words in movies
Chandler: All right Joey, be nice. So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?
Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex.
Chandler: Sounds like a date to me.
Chandler: Then I look down, and I realize there's a phone... there.
Chandler: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I don't know what to do, everybody starts looking at me.
Joey: And you never knew she was a lesbian...
Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (They all stare at him.) Did I say that out loud?
Monica: Oh really, so that hysterical phone call I got from a woman at sobbing 3:00 A.M., "I'll never have grandchildren, I'll never have grandchildren." was what? A wrong number?
Joey: Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?
(Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts to search the room.)
Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.)
Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!
(They go to hug but Ross's umbrella opens. He sits back down defeated again. A moment of silence follows as Rachel sits and the others expect her to explain.)
Rachel: Oh God... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden- (to the waitress that brought her coffee)Sweet 'n' Lo?- I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, I always knew looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. (to Monica) So anyway I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city.
Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue... [Scene: Monica's Apartment, everyone is there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV and are trying to figure out what is going on.]
Ross: (in a deep voice) I'll have whatever Christine is having.
Rachel: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! It's like, it's like, all of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I'm not saying I want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy!
[Time Lapse, Rachel is breating into a paper bag.]
Phoebe: (sings) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens, (Rachel and Monica turn to look at her.) bluebells and sleighbells and- something with mittens... La la la la...something and noodles with string. These are a few...
Joey: (comforting her) And hey, you need anything, you can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler live across the hall. And he's away a lot.
Joey: What, like there's a rule or something?
Chandler: Please don't do that again, it's a horrible sound.
Monica: Maybe. Joey: Wait. Your 'not a real date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy?
Chandler: Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment.
Phoebe: What does that mean? Does he sell it, drink it, or just complain a lot? (Chandler doesn't know.)
(There's a knock on the door and it's Paul.)
Ross: A wandering?
Joey: Here's a little tip, she really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot over and over and over again until it starts to get a little red.
Rachel: Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight. It's been kinda a long day.
Phoebe: (singing) Love is sweet as summer showers, love is a wondrous work of art, but your love oh your love, your love...is like a giant pigeon...crapping on my heart. La-la-la-la-la- (some guy gives her some change and to that guy) Thank you. (sings) La-la-la-la...ohhh!
Ross: (squatting and reading the instructions) I'm supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things, using a bunch of these little worm guys. I have no brackety thing, I see no whim guys whatsoever and- I cannot feel my legs.
Joey: I'm thinking we've got a bookcase here.
Chandler: It's a beautiful thing.
Joey: (picking up a leftover part) What's this?
(Joey checks that Ross is not looking and dumps it in a plant.)
Ross: (clutching a beer can and sniffing) This was Carol's favorite beer. She always drank it out of the can, I should have known.
Joey: Ross, let me ask you a question. She got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did you get?
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are eating.]
Paul: I know, I know, I'm such an idiot. I guess I should have caught on when she started going to the dentist four and five times a week. I mean, how clean can teeth get?
Monica: My brother's going through that right now, he's such a mess. How did you get through it?
Rachel: Barry, I'm sorry... I am so sorry... I know you probably think that this is all about what I said the other day about you making love with your socks on, but it isn't... it isn't, it's about me, and I ju- (She stops talking and dials the phone.) Hi, machine cut me off again... anyway...look, look, I know that some girl is going to be incredibly lucky to become Mrs. Barry Finkel, but it isn't me, it's not me. And not that I have any idea who me is right now, but you just have to give me a chance too... (The maching cuts her off again and she redials.)
Chandler: You must stop! (Chandler hits what he is working on with a hammer and it collapses.)
Chandler: Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento. You, however have had the love of a woman for four years. Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it! I don't think that was my point!
Joey: What are you talking about? 'One woman'? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Lemme tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get 'em with Jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, like, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon!
Chandler: Stay out of my freezer! [Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are still eating.]
Paul: No, it's, it's more of a fifth date kinda revelation.
Monica: Oh, so there is gonna be a fifth date?
Paul: Well, ever-ev-... ever since she left me, um, I haven't been able to, uh, perform. (Monica takes a sip of her drink.) ...Sexually.
Ross: (scornful) Grab a spoon. Do you know how long it's been since I've grabbed a spoon? Do the words 'Billy, don't be a hero' mean anything to you?
Joey: Great story! But, I uh, I gotta go, I got a date with Andrea--Angela--Andrea... Oh man, (looks to Chandler)
Ross: Y'know, here's the thing. Even if I could get it together enough to- to ask a woman out,... who am I gonna ask? (He gazes out of the window.)
Joey: Listen, while you're on a roll, if you feel like you gotta make like a Western omelet or something... (Joey and Chandler taste the coffee, grimace, and pour it into a plant pot.) Although actually I'm really not that hungry...
(Monica and Paul walk to the door and talk in a low voice so the others can't hear. The others move Monica's table closer to the door so that they can.)
Joey: That wasn't a real date?! What the hell do you do on a real date?
Chandler: All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers,... it doesn't make much of a difference...
Joey: Look, it was a job all right?
Chandler: 'Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.'
Chandler: You're right, I'm sorry. (Burst into song and dances out of the door.) "Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy..."
Joey: You should both know, that he's a dead man. Oh, Chandler? (Starts after Chandler.)
Rachel: I can see that. You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth.
Rachel: Want a wedding dress? Hardly used.
Monica: I think we are getting a little ahead of selves here. Okay. Okay. I am just going to get up, go to work and not think about him all day. Or else I'm just gonna get up and go to work.
Joey: (sitting on the arm of the couch)Of course it was a line!
Joey: (bursts out laughing again) I can't believe you didn't know it was a line!
(Monica pushes him off of the sofa as Rachel enters with a shopping bag.)
Ross: You got a job?
Rachel: They're my new 'I don't need a job, I don't need my parents, I've got great boots' boots!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is sitting around the kitchen table. Rachel's credit cards are spread out on the table along with a pair of scissors.]
Phoebe: Give her a break, it's hard being on your own for the first time.
Rachel: Y'know what? I think we can just leave it at that. It's kinda like a symbolic gesture...
Monica: Rachel! That was a library card!
Chandler: (as Rachel is cutting up her cards) Y'know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream.
[Time Lapse, Rachel and Ross are watching a TV channel finishes it's broadcast day by playing the national anthem.]
Ross: Okay. (They split it.) You know you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a, um, major crush on you.
Ross: Oh. Listen, do you think- and try not to let my intense vulnerability become any kind of a factor here- but do you think it would be okay if I asked you out? Sometime? Maybe?
Ross: I just grabbed a spoon. (Ross exits and Monica has no idea what that means.)
Monica: I said that you had a nice butt, it's just not a great butt.
Joey: Oh, you wouldn't know a great butt if it came up and bit ya.
Rachel: (walks up with a pot of coffee) Would anybody like more coffee?
All: Yeah. Yeah, I'll have a cup of coffee.
Monica: (entering from her room, excitedly) Im getting married today!!! (She trips and falls.) (Getting up) I think I just cracked a rib. But I dont care because todays my wedding day! My day is finally here!! (Runs back into her room.)
(They all throw their pieces back as there is a knock on the door.)
(They all walk over to get a slice.)
Joey: (taking a bite) Oh, great! Can you believe I found it on the second floor?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering with a pizza and finds everyone but Ross there.]
Joey: Uhh, just a minute officer!!
[Cut to the living room where Monica is helping pack a box.]
Cop: Yeah, but I kinda don't have a choice, it's my job. I mean, you understand right?
Phoebe: Yep! As long as you understand that I'm going to call my lawyer and once he puts you on the stand he'll make you look like a fool. A fool!
Chandler: Oh, yeah, well, poor Richard. Y'... I can grow a moustache!
Gary: Okay, so it's a date.
Chandler: (To Rachel) He has a gun!
Gary: Okay. (He starts to leave.) So I'll come by in a couple hours and pick you up?
[Scene: The couch store, Ross is talking to a saleswoman.]
Rachel: Well, I have a job interview at Ralph Lauren tomorrow!
Ross: Look, I am a reasonable man. I will accept store credit.
Ross: Yeah, hey I-I have clothes, I even pick them out. I mean for, for all you know I could be a fashion..... monger.
Monica: Hey Rach, arent these candlesticks (holds up a pair) mine?
(We see Ross through the window and he acts like a swimmer that gets attacked by a shark, picture one of the many, many, many Jaws movies they made and you get the idea.)
Chandler: Oh, that would be Monica. Hey, listen, I wanna borrow a coupla things, Aurora spent the night, I really wanna make her breakfast.
Allesandro: (entering) I want a retraction! Our food is not inedible swill!
Chandler: That's kind of a masculine name, don't you think?
Phoebe: But it's just so unfair that our date has to get cut short just 'cause some guy shot at a store clerk.
Monica: Wow! For just a week you guys are really close, huh?
Phoebe: Yeah, it's weird. I can't help it though he's so sweet, he's like this little puppy dog, y'know? But like a really tough one that shots bad guys. Ohh, I just love beginning parts of relationships, y'know?! You just like can't keep your hands off each other.
Chandler: I was shrieking... like a Marine.
Rachel: (in disbelief) You WHAT? And I missed it? Because I was giving a makeover to that stupid hippie?
Rachel: Ugh, it was horrible! And-and the interview part went so well, y'know? I even made him laugh. He said something about a boat and I was like, "Well, yeah! If you've got enough life jackets!" (She starts laughing; Chandler and Joey are not amused.) Trust me, it was actually, it was very funny. Anyway, so we were saying good-bye and ugh!
Rachel: I can't believe it! I got a second interview!
Rachel: What-what, wait a minute, you don't think that's why he wants me back?
Joey: I bet that kiss isn't looking like such a big mistake now, is it?
Monica: (entering from the bathroom) Hey Rach, a guy from Ralph Lauren called, you got a second interview!
Monica: A kiss? What are you talking about?
Joey: Yeah! (Chandler makes a noise) No?
ROSS: No, there is no way he was a velociraptor. No Tony, look at the cranial ridge, OK. If Dino was a velociraptor, he would have eaten the Flintstones. Yeah, yeah. [Monica comes out of her room] Oh, were you takin' a nap?
Joey: What are you talking about? It was a big deal. I mean, come on you cant tell me last night didnt mean something to you. I-I was there, youre not that good an actress.
[Scene: Ross's building, Joey is knocking on a door again. It's again answered by Ross.]
Joey: (Looking around) Uhh do you happen to have a hot girl in there?
Ross: Yes. I lived with you guys for a while and then I found this place. (Joey just stares at him) I'm Ross.
Joey: Later! (He runs away down the hall and hides behind a corner to a whole other corridor.) Oh man! (Walks down the hallway in desperation.) Hot girl! Hot girl!!
Monica: What's a 'niffle'?
Joey: Yeah, sure. (He takes it off and starts reading.) Well, you must be new here. Maybe we shouldI'm sorry, can I ask you something? (He stops and asks a question.)
Rachel: Op! Wait, you dropped a pea.
Monica: Phoebe, do you want to go see a movie after dinner tonight?
Phoebe: No I'm not. No! If anything I'm making you look better! They'll see you talking to me and that's--I'm a hit!
Monica: So! So we've got to go upstairs and have a lot of sex to prove them wrong!
Monica: Oh umm, that's because I just wanted to y'know walk in on me and Chandler while we were, y'know, doing it all night. Will you excuse me for just a second?
Monica: Okay. (She gets up and walks over to Chandler.) Chandler? Can I see you for a second?
Monica: 'Cause, Gary and Phoebe think they're a hotter couple than we are!
Joey: Uhh, look Katie, uh listen, we-we need to talk. Okay? Umm, look I like you. I-I really do, I like you a lot. Okay? But sometimes when you, when you playfully punch me like that it-it feels like someone's hitting me with a very tiny but very real bat.
(A man walks up.)
Ross: Well, y'know how I'm trying to work things out with Emily. Well, there's this one thing Okay, (Rachel has her back turned to the camera, and Ross isn't looking at her.) here goes. I made a promise that-(they cut to the other camera and Ross notices something coming out of Rachel's nose)-Oh hey!
Ross: Jen, I know this may sound a little (makes some kind of crazy noise) But uh, would you maybe wanna grab a cup of coffee sometime, or
Ross: I will give you a call.
Mr. Zelner: Y'know what? I may regret this but uh, I'm going to give you a shot.
Rachel: Really? Oh thank you! Oh Oh, would it be completely inappropriate to give you a hug?
Phoebe: Happy Holidays. Feliz Navidad. Allo, and Merry Christmas. (A man put some change in her bucket.) Ohh thank you sir. Here's some joy. (She waves her hand up and down as if she is spreading joy.)
Phoebe: Ohh, (laughs) umm, we kinda took a little detour on the way over here.
Monica: The park huh? A public place.
Phoebe: Umm, Im trying to move that pencil. (Theres a pencil lying on the table.)
Jen: Oh! My number is on there. (Hands him a business card.) Give me a call.
Monica: Wasn't it a lot more exciting when we were y'know all over each other all the time?
Monica: Okay, I freaked out a little.
Chandler: Little?! You freaked out big time! Okay? And I fixed it! We have switched places! I am the relationship and king and you are the crazy, irrational screw up! (Does a dance of joy.) (Monica glares at him.) And now we're back.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there. Joey is holding a deck of cards out to Chandler.]
Joey: Okay, pick a card.
Carol: Guess what? Ben is going to be in a TV commercial!
Joey: (reading the card) Whoa! This guy is like the biggest commercial casting director in town! (Ross gasps) Ben takes one lousy walk in the park and gets an audition!! (Ross and Carol stare at him, then Joey realizes what he just said.) I mean, way to go Ben! (Gives Ben the thumbs up, which Ben returns.) Man! I've been in that park a million times and no one offered me an audition.
Rachel: Okidoki! (and she slams the door in the nanny's face while Ross crumples up the application form) Wow! We're never gonna find a nanny.
Joey: Oh Rachel look, don't say that, I think you just need a hug from Joey. Come on. Come on. (She hugs him and Joey looks out the window.) She's back! Hot girl's back!
Joey: Ross!! We're having a surprise party for Rachel!!
Phoebe: Okay, let's discuss Rachel's birthday. I say we throw a surprise party this weekend.
Phoebe: Yeah but if we throw her a party on her birthday, then it's not a surprise.
Joey: Okay! Well need a six-pack of Zima.
Joey: Whoa-whoa dad? There's a dad in the commercial?
(As she walks away, Chandler mouths a scream to Monica. How motions and mouths, "It's okay, it's okay.")
[Scene: Ben's audition, Carol, Ross, and Ben along with about 10 more families are in a waiting room as Joey enters happily.]
Carol: (noticing a kid who has picked up a copy of Variety to read) Hey, that kid looks familiar.
Rachel: (laughing nervously) Oh, what a fun office.
Kim: I don't know which one, but I do know I need a cigarette. So what do you say we take a break, we go outside, and we'll figure this out when we come back?
Phoebe: So wow, it looks like you took care of everything. Thanks a lot, co-host.
Phoebe: Oh wait, I change my mind! (She slams the door on them.) Okay, let's talk about the party! I have so many ideas! (Holds up a cocktail napkin.)
Ross: Yeah well, he's not gonna get this one. Ben is way cuter than that kid. I mean look at him, look at you, (Starts to whine like a baby and Joey just glares at him.)
Monica: Wait a minute, I can get ice at the restaurant
Monica: You got a callback too didn't you?
Ross: (Pause) Yeah I am! Yeah, Ben got a second audition!
Monica: Wait a minute, are you doing Joey's (sadly) "Audition didn't go so well. (Happily) Yeah it did?"
Monica: That is so sweet. I know that I was acting a little crazy but umm, I feel the same way.
RACH: Oh my God. Oh my God Ross, no, hang up the phone, give me the phone Ross, give me the phone, give me the phone, give me the. . . [jumps the couch and lands on Ross's back, finally getting the phone from him. Ross has a confused expression on his face.]
Carol: Is it a good sign that they asked us to hang around after the audition?
Phoebe: Yeah well, maybe she shouldve spent a little less time decorating and a little more time in the bedroom.
[The next flashback is from The One With The Candy Hearts. Joey and Chandler are waiting at a restaurant as Lorraine and her friend arrive.]
Ross: Seriously that's a lot of cups.
RICHARD: If I have to I'll, I'll do all again , I'll do the 4 o'clock feeding thing, I'll go to the P.T.A. meetings, I'll coach the soccer team.
Phoebe: (singing) "Little, tiny Tarzan, swinging on a nose hair. Swinging with the greatest of ease " Darn it! Now, I dont know who to get to the next verse.
Joey: You just give him a spoon baby!
Rachel: No well, no it's not that bad, y'know? I mean yeah, my tongue feels a little fuzzy and these fingers sort of smell, I actually feel like I can throw up.
Joey: Hmmm, soup! (Tries again.) Hmm soup! (Tries again, with a little caveman thrown in.) Hmm, soup!
Ross: Rach, uh, you still looking for a place?
The Casting Director: Is there a problem?