words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey is getting ready for a fishing trip and Phoebe is asking him about the fishing lures. Ross is playing with the rod, and Monica is pretty much just watching the on goings.]
Phoebe: (holding a lure) So now, what is this now?
Joey: (examining it) Ohh, a hunk of sandwich from last year. (Monica drops the sandwich)
Ross: (pretend fishing in the living room) Ohh, Gellers got one hooked! Ohh! Looks like a big one! Yeah, ohh! Ohh! (Swinging the rod back and forth) Its the classic struggle between man and(swings the rod and knocks over a lamp.) Someone knocked over a lamp.
Joey: (going over and picking up the rod) Thats all right. Hey you guys, you know whats going to be great about the fishing trip this year? When my dad gets me out in the middle of the lake and gives me that, "Joey, what are you doing with your life?" stuff. I can say, "Well, Im doing a movie with Charlton Heston dad. What are you doing with your life?"
Joey: Gettin drunk and going to a strip club.
Rachel: How does going to a strip club help him better?
[Scene: Bloomingdales, Rachel is still dressing Joshua. He is trying on a pair of pants.]
Mr. Waltham: (entering) Rachel! Could I have a moment?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is in his sweats flinging playing cards into a pot.]
Joey: Yeah, three days on the lake without a shower. Plus! I fell in that big tub of worms at the bait stand! Hey, how-hows he doing?
(Theres a knock on the door.)
Ross: You want me to take some girl Ive never met to the opera so you can go to a club and flirt with some guy, hmm, that-that is a toughie.
Rachel: Ill be right there! (to Ross) Okay, Ross, please come on! I thought we have moved on! I thought weve gotten to a place where we could be happy for each other! I mean was that just me?
Rachel: Theres been a teeny-teeny change in plans. It turns out that Im not free tonight. So
Emily: Oh, no-no-no, thats not rude! Its perfectly in keeping with a trip that Ive already been run down by one of your wiener carts, and been strip-searched at John F. Kennedy Airport, apparently to you people, I look like someone whos got a balloon full of cocaine stuffed up their bum.
Joey: (running from his bedroom) Oh my God! I overslept! I was supposed to be on the set a half an hour ago! I gotta get out of here!
Rachel: Heywhoa, slow down. (Gets a whiff of him) No, keep moving. (Joey runs off.) Wow!
Rachel: Well, I didnt see Joshua last night, but I did punch a girl in the face.
Rachel: The whole night was horrible, it was pouring down rain, and when I got there, there was no Rachel Green on the list, but there was a Rachel Greep.
Rachel: No, she was already in, but then this big bitch behind me tried to steal my umbrella, so I clocked her. Ohhh! I cant believe this, all I wanted was a few hours outside of work to see Joshua, so he can go ahead and start falling in love with me.
Chandler: They got a breakfast buffet.
Monica: Hes with Emily at a Bed and Breakfast in Vermont!
Ross: When we first met her, she was soaking, her feet were wet! Who wouldnt be miserable? Im telling you when I got her into a dry pair of shoes, she was a totally different person.
Emily: (rushing in) Ross! Come quickly! Theres a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard!
Ross: Ive gotta go, theres a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard! (He hangs up and runs out.)
Monica: He had to go, theres a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard.
Monica: A couple of days.
Monica: What are you doing?! Chandler! You cant just go back a phase!
Phoebe: Yknow you, you just stop being such a wuss and get those off and you come with us and watch naked girls dance around!!
The A.D: Calm down, we got time, were running a little late.
(Just then, Charlton Heston walks out of his dressing room and starts eating a liquorice whip.)
Joey: Look at that, Charlton Heston eating a liquorice whip!
The A.D: Yeah, we loves em. Ive never seen him with(He gets a whiff of Joey and starts smelling around.)
The A.D: You.
The A.D: You?
The A.D: What?
Joey: Yeah, the man wreaks! Smells like he went on a three day fishing trip and then ate some liquorice.
The A.D: Theres no way he smells, hes the only one around here with a shower in his dressing room.
Joey: Really, a shower huh? And uh, which-which room might that be?
The A.D: The one with "Heston" on it.
[Scene: A strip club, the girls are there with Chandler, who isnt enjoying himself.]
(A man sits down next to Phoebe and lights up a cigarette.)
Monica: Very good, (getting up and sliding a One into the dancers hot pants) so good.
Monica: (to the waitress) When you get a sec, another round of daiquiris.
Phoebe: Remember, a virgin for me please.
Chandler: No! That was a test! In a couple of hours Im gonna get really drunk and wanna call Kathy and you guys are gonna have to stop me! And then after that, Im gonna get so drunk, Im gonna wanna call Janice
[Scene: Silvercup studios, Joey is taking a shower in Charlton Hestons dressing room. Heston enters the room, Joey panics, and walks over to the shower and confronts Joey about the use of his shower.]
Charlton Heston: Hello! Whos in there? (He opens to curtain to reveal a naked and wet Joey.)
Joey: No-no-no, no, no, wait. You see, Im an actor, Joey Tribbiani, Im doing a scene with you today, and well, I stink.
Joey: Yeah-yeah, Im one of the cops that wont work with you cause you a lose cannon. Anyway, look, Im really sorry, but I stink!
Charlton Heston: (tosses him a towel, motions for him to get out of the shower and sits down on the couch) Every actor at one time or anotheropp! (Joey tries to sit down next to him and Heston makes him sit somewhere else.) Every actor thinks he stinks, even Lawrence Oliver at sometimes thought he stank, Bob Redford wont even watch himself.
Charlton Heston: I dont know one actor worth his salt that didnt say at one time or another, "God, I stink!" Hell, I just did a scene out there, first take, I stunk the place up. But, the important thing you must remember, no matter how badly you think you might stink, you must never, ever bust into my dressing room and use my shower! Do you understand me?!
Charlton Heston: Wait a minute! Take your pants.
Chandler: Look, forget it. We tried, but Phase Three is a lost cause, Okay? Those strippers were insanely hot, and I couldnt picture myself with any of them. (Sits back in disgust.)
Monica: Yknow, I think if I were going to be with a woman. (Chandler is intrigued.) Itd, itd be with someone like Michelle, she was so oh, she was so petite.
Rachel: Well, are we all together? Like in a group?
Chandler: Where I dont want to have a relationship ever! I just want to have sex with strippers and my friends!!
Ross: Emily is incredible. I mean there-there are no words to describe it, I mean the whole weekend was like a dream. (Sees Rachel coming back from the bathroom.) Oh! And you! Rach!
Ross: Uh, what you said, about us being in a place where we could finally be happy for each other.
Ross: Joshua guy at that club, dancing and having a good time, the thought of it kinda yknow.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is there and is getting ready to direct a bunch of strippers, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe on what to do in the upcoming orgy of lesbian lust. Yes, its a dream sequence, this isnt cable.]
Chandler: All right ladies, heres what were gonna do. (Points to a stripper.) You are gonna take off my clothes. (To another two strippers) You two, go get the oils. (To another stripper) And you just constantly scream at the top of your voice, "Chandlers the king! Chandlers the king!"
Chandler: What do you want from me, Ive never met the guy. So anyway, Rachel, Im sorry you cant stay, (Rachel is upset about leaving the orgy with the cigarette guy.) but the rest of us have a lot of work to do. (The cigarette guy starts rubbing Chandlers back.) What are you doing? (The guy just nods) All right, listen, Ive got to wake up!
Joey: Yeah, youre roommate is a soap opera star.
[Flashback to: The Street in front of Central Perk, Ross and Joey are holding a yellow tape across the road and everyone is cheering Phoebe as she bounces around the corner on a hippity-hop.]
Chandler: Ross, a sports car? Wouldnt it have been cheaper to just stuff a sock down there?
Ross: Thats not what this is about okay? I-I am a sports car enthusiast. I have always been into cars.
Rachel: In the afternoon. Mr. Zelner came into my office after lunch. He put them on my desk, and then I put a Post-It on it (Looks down onto her desk and finds the folder with the Post-It on it that contains the contracts she imagined she gave Tag) that said, "Must go out today." So you just keep looking in there! All right?
Ross: Hey! That was a practical purchase! I needed that car for transportation! Okay? I-I have a child!
Ross: Thats right! Thats right, dont you play a woman?
Rachel: Really! God Ross, what were you thinking? (To Phoebe, quietly) I know its really shallow, but a part of me wants him again.
Phoebe: Oh, well get in line missy. (To Ross) So, can I have a ride stud?
Joey: A woman in a mans body.
Joey: Oh-ho-kay, Im talking to the king. (starts to go to a back room)
Monica: I dont know! Time to kiss a guy maybe?! (Ross laughs.) What are you laughing at Pampers? (He stops laughing and glares at her.)
Rachel: So what?! Yknow what? The way I see it(Phoebe pulls out a hair from the back of her head)Ow! Son of a bitch!!
[Flashback to Monica and Chandlers apartment. Chandler has a bunch of people over in formal wear to give Monica a surprise birthday party. Joey is coming out of the bathroom and removing his tie.]
Mrs. Geller: (To Chandler) Youve done a wonderful job with this party Chandler. Everything looks so lovely.
(He goes out into the hall and finds a very drunk Monica lying up against Joey and Rachels door.)
Chandler: Okay, here is the thing. We have thrown a very formal surprise party for you in there! All of your friends are in there and your parents!
Chandler: Thats still yours. Okay, now remember its a surprise party. So, when you go in, act surprised.
(A beautiful woman approaches.)
(Rachel looks bored. At this point, Rossa figment of Rachel's imagination shows up on the balcony and starts talking to her.)
Ross: Well yeah! Someone sent us a basket at work once and people went crazy over those little muffins. It was the best day.
[Scene: Phoebes birthday, shes taking the hippity-hop to Ursulas apartment as a gift. She knocks on the door and Ursula answers it.]
Ursula: Yeah, I got a big box of family stuff when my mom died.
Phoebe: I just lost a whole year of my life.
Phoebe: (sips it) Its so good. (Monica and Rachel breath a sigh of relief.) Oh, thanks.
Chandler: Monicas a little drunk.
Mr. Geller: Happy birthday, sweetie! Give us a hug! (Starts to get up.)
Ross: Well yes, yes I have. In fact umm, just the other day Kristen and I were talking about how Ive been married and how I have a son.
Rachel: Okay, but taking care of a drunk, naked woman seems like a job for Joey.
Joey: Now that youre a couple, we dont get two presents from you guys?
Chandler: For my last birthday you gave me a hug! (To Rachel) Okay, read the card! Read the card!
Chandler: No, because youre not a grandmother!
Rachel: Okay! Yknow what? I realized it was stupid to get upset about not having a husband and kids. All I really needed was a plan. See I wanna have three kids
[Scene: Rachels birthday, a time lapse has occurred. Rachel is coming back into the living room carrying a notepad.]
Rachel: No I know, because to be a grandmother you have to be married and have children and I dont have any of those things. Thats why its so funny. (Runs into her room crying.)
Rachel: No, so I dont have to get married until Im 33! Thats three years, thats three whole yearsOh, wait a minute though. Ill need a year and a half to plan the wedding, and Id like to know the guy for a year, year and a half before we get engaged Which means I need to meet the guy by the time Im thirty.
Chandler: (to a waiter) Oh thats great! Right there! Can we get some of that over here please? (The waiter comes over) There we go.
(We hear Tag scream out in the hallway and jump into view of the open door on the scooter. He gives a hearty thumbs up to the group and rides off, with Joey following breathlessly behind.)
Chandler: (To Monica) Now all you have to do is just get through a little bit more, okay? Then we can put you in bed, okay? Just smile and dont talk to anyone.
Phoebe: (hopping off the bike) Wait! This seat is really uncomfortable! Yeah, maybe before we start we should just get another one. Perhaps, like an airplane seator a beanbag chair!
Phoebe: No, I just feel like being by myself for a while. All right? Ill see you guys later. Thanks. (Gets up and exits.)
Phoebe: I lost a whole year! I cant believe it! This is so unfair!
Joey: Thats not gonna happen. No. (Looks up) Because we have a new deal!
Ross: Yes. And another time after that. Boy Im getting hungry! Hey Joey, have you ever been so hungry on a date that when a girl goes to the bathroom you eat some of her food?
Monica: I really like to say that Im-um (Pause) Yknow what Id really like to say? Im drunk!! (Mrs. Geller pulls the camera down.) Thats right mom and dad your little Harmonica is hammered!! (Ross grabs the camera out of his dads hands.) And guess what! Ive been drunk before! And Ive smoked a cigarette! And I got a box of Ding-Dongs hidden in my underwear drawer! Its all okay. Its okay because I turned thirty today. And, and I can do anything I want! Because I am a grown up. (Falls over sideways with Ross filming the fall.)
Elizabeth: Its a bathing suit?
Rachel: Ohh Tag, umm youre such a great guy and we have sooo much fun together but I dont-I dont
Rachel: Yeah, it is! But youre just a kid! I mean youre 25!
Rachel: Well said. And a uh good example of the fun I was referring to uhh, but I just think Im past the point where I think I can yknow, just have fun.
(Just as they are about to pull away, a big, fat, bald guy pulls up in the exact same car as Ross and stops next to him.)
Chandler: Well, here we are, just a bunch of thirty year olds.
Monica: Im glad youre here, we have a couple of things to ask you about the wedding ceremony.
Ross: You wanna buy a car?
Rachel: Oh! I would love to read a poem.
Rachel: (crying) Itll be a short one.
Rachel: Wait, what do you mean youre getting a new brain?
Rachel: Okay, come onJoey, Ill buy you a new one! All right? Well go down to the store right now and well-well get you a new chair.
Joey: And-and-and not only that, Im gettin a new brain!!
Joey: Well, I think its ridiculous that you havent had sex in three and a half months.
Ross: What? A brain transplant?!
Rachel: She is so good at throwing drinks in peoples faces, I mean I dont think Ive ever seen her finish a beverage.
Joey: Yes, but in Drake Remorays body. (Ross laughs unbelievably.) Why is this so hard for you to get? I thought you were a scientist!
Phoebe: (A woman with large breasts walks in the door) Ohh knockers will help us figure it out. (She walks by and he checks her out.)
Phoebe: Oh no not that guy there. That guy right there. (Pointing to an attractive man sitting at a table behind them.)
Phoebe: That wasnt a date! That was, that was just friends getting together (quietly) having sex.
Phoebe: No way! No way! You just broke with Tag a week ago.
Phoebe: I don't know. I haven't been out on a date in so long.
Rachel: Phoebe, you had a date three days ago.
Joey: Oh-oh-oh-oh, how I do it is, I look a woman up and down and say, "Hey, how you doin?"
Joey: See, there was kind of a mix up in my agent's office, but I'm still on TV and that's good exposure.
Cecilia: Im supposed to meet and hug a fan whose dying, but thats not supposed to be until (to no one in particular) later!
Joey: (laughs that one off) Yeah. So uh Ross, well nowwhy did that first marriage breakup? Was it because the woman was straight or she was a lesbian?
Joey: No. No, Im Joey Tribbiani; we did a scene together yesterday. I-Im the guy in the coma!
Cecilia: Oh that was a real person?!
Joey: Ms. Monroe (She slaps him) Oh there you go. (She storms off, leaving Joey standing next to Dina. They share a nod at the ferocity of the slap they just received.)
Joey: That was a great scene! And-and-and that slap looks so real! How do you do that?
Cecilia: And if it were true, how dare you come to me ask me for tips about a character that Ive been playing for 20 yearsIll give you a tip! (She throws her drink in his face.)
Phoebe: Okay, a meat eater. Fine, thats one for you.
Phoebe: So you dont know thats Barneys the store! That can be yknow his friends house, or a bar. Who has Barneys the store on their speed dial?
[Cut to Rosss apartment, he his playing the Bagpipes, badly. Hes worse than that whole keyboard thing a few years ago.]
Monica: He cannot play at our wedding! I mean everyone will leave! I mean come on, that is just noise! Its not even a song!
Joey: No. It just seems like Ross is the kind of a guy that would marry a woman on the verge of being a lesbian and then push her over the edge.
Phoebe: That is a different phone.
Phoebe: (To Rachel) Shhh! Im on a call! (On phone) Umm well yeah, you can pick it up tonight, say 8:30? At-at my apartment. Its umm, its umm 5 Morton Street, Apartment 14, umm and then maybe yknow after we can grab a bite to eat or whatever. (Listens) Okay, well okay Ill see you then. (Listens) Bye. (Hangs up.)
Ross: Its called the Bapstein-King comet, okay? (Joey starts to groan.) Hey! Hey! Bapstein was a very well respected astronomer!
Cecilia: Joey, well thank you. That is so sweet. Oh, excuse me. (She throws her drink on a passing writer.)
Cecilia: (to him) Im having a conversation here! (To Joey) You were saying?
The Fan: Can-can I get your autograph, Im your biggest fan. (Holds out a napkin and a pen.)
Phoebe: Ooh. Oh. It looks like, like a tiny little person drowning in your cereal. (Ross gives her this look, like 'Yeah, doesn't it', and gets up to dump it down the drain.)
PHOEBE: Well, 'cause, I mean, what if, what if he's not this great dad guy? I mean, what if, what if he's just still the dirtbag who ran out on my mom and us? You know what? I've already lost a fake dad this week and I don't think I'm ready to lose a real one.
Joey: Hey! Now, Ive been watching some tapes, hows this? (In a British accent.) "Jessica Lockhart will never step foot in this place again! Ever!!"
Joey: Have you ever slept in the same bed as a monkey?!
Ross: Am I! Am I! Am I out of my mind! Am I losing my senses!! This dreamy guy is taking my girlfriend out for a meal.
Ross: A lesson in the importance of unagi. (He starts doing the finger thing every time now.)
Ross: No, youve heard my practice. Okay? Just-just give me a chance to perform for you and then decide whatever you want. And Im not going to tell you what song Im gonna play either. But uh, lets just say when its over Ill bet there will be a we bit o celebration.
Joey: Oh wellHey-hey! Maybe, maybe uh, maybe this is a good thing. Yknow? Itll-itll give you a chance to shake things up, play different characters. Youre so talented.
Phoebe: Pay the caterer! Look, I've had a lot of jobs, okay, and there are some people who just always try to get out of paying. It's either, you know, "that massage wasn't long enough, or, "I don't recognize any of those songs," or, you know, "these sombreros aren't big enough. Bad little white girl!"
Joey: Fine! Have you ever got stuck in a pair of your own leather pants?!
Cecilia: But Well now, nows a different time for me. (Starts to cry.)
Cecilia: Oh yeah-yeah, we should get the (Pause) So when Jessica kisses a man, she usually puts umm, both her hands on the mans face. (She does so.)