words in movies
Chandler: Oh! Good for you Pheebs, way to go! (Breathes a sigh of relief)
Phoebe: No, I like him a lot but I don't think I'm ready for this!
Phoebe: Because you are so afraid of commitment! You talk to him, make him scared like you! Make him a man!
Chandler: I'll try, but I'm not sure what good it would do, y'know? Because I'm a lot less afraid of commitment than I used to be.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are playing catch with a little foam globe.]
Joey: Yeah. I realized it about a half-hour ago but I didn't want to say anything 'cause I didn't want to jinx it.
Joey: Oh, I-I, I think that's the first time I ever missed a meal! (Checks his pants.) Yeah, my pants are a little loose!
Rachel: All right listen umm, I just bought something I'm not sure she's gonna like it, and it's gonna seem a little crazy, but this is something that I wanted since I was a little girl.
(Joey turns and looks at quite possibly one of the ugliest pets that you can possibly buy on the planet. Rachel has bought herself a hairless cat. Yep, a hairless cat! Joey and Ross start to get sick.)
Rachel: It's a, it's a cat!
Joey: That, is not a cat! {I have to agree with Joey on this one.}
Rachel: Excuse me! But this is a purebred, show-quality Sphinx cat!
Rachel: Well, it was a little extravagant, but I a pretty good deal.
Rachel: A thousand bucks.
Ross: ON A CAT??!!!!
Joey: It's not a cat!
Rachel: All right listen ball boys! My grandmother had one of these when I was a little girl and it was the sweetest thing! I mean it was so cute, it would sit in my lap and purr all day long, and I would drag a shoestring on the ground and he would chase it!
Ross: Free cats do that too, y'know. {Which reminds me, if I might get a little political here, support your local animal shelter. Pet shops are not the place to buy dogs and cats from, you get a much better deal from the shelter, plus they probably won't die on you in a week and a half. If you want a leash, go to the pet shop. If you want the dog for that leash, go to the shelter and save it's life. Now back to regularly scheduled programming.}
Joey: It's not a cat!
Rachel: Ugh! Look you guys, I'm really excited about this! Okay? I don't care what you think! I'm gonna go set up a little litter box for Mrs. Whiskerson. (They both glare at her.) Well, what am I gonna call her? Fluffy?!
[Scene: the 5th Precinct, Gary's precinct, Chandler has come to talk to him about commitment. And as he's walking through the door he notices a couple of "Ladies of the night" sitting there. (If you know what I mean.)]
Chandler: Gary, I'm here to report a crime.
Chandler: It is a crime that you and I don't spend more time together.
Chandler: Well, I heard that you thinking about asking Phoebe to move in with you and I thought maybe, we should have a talk. Man to uh, me.
Ross: now when they found the remains of the Mesozoic Mastodon they discovered what appeared to be the remains of a Paleozoic Amphibian in its jaws! How did it get there?!
{Y'know, sometimes I think the script writers throw in a line like that to try to trip me up. But it won't work. I'll always have the last laugh! <manical_laugh.wav> Okay, so maybe I'm a little deluded, it's probably just my spellchecker. But, I must admit I did get Mesozoic and Paleozoic on the first attempt. Yay me! Anyhoo }
Joey: Maybe this should be more of a quiet game.
Ross: How do you know? You don't have a watch.
Monica: (on phone, faking she's sick) I-I'm not gonna be able to make it into work today, I don't feel very good. (Joey makes a high throw and Monica has to catch it way over her head.) (Not sounding sick) Yes!! (Realizes what she just did.) (Sounding sick again) Wow! Uh, for a second there I thought I was really better, but I'm not. (Hangs up and keeps throwing the ball.)
Rachel: Oh, wow! Congratulations, that's quite a waste of time.
Rachel: Oh yeah, I got a cat.
Monica: I don't want a cat!
Joey: Oh, don't worry, it's not a cat.
Ross: Doesn't sound as crazy as paying a thousand dollars for a cat.
Monica: (To Rachel) What?! You paid a thousand dollars for a cat when you owe me 300!!
Chandler: He's a great guy, y'know? And he loves you a lot, you are a very lucky lady.
Gary: (To Phoebe) Hi sweetie. (Kisses her.) Hi, can I talk to you for a second?
Phoebe: No that's not true. If you're not moving forward, you're just staying still. And staying still is good. Watch this. (She stays still for a brief second.)
Phoebe: That is so sweet. But don't you think it's a little too soon? I mean there's so much we don't know about each other.
Phoebe: I really don't want to mess up what we have. I'm justI'm worried it's gonna be a big mistake.
Monica: He's a dropper!
Chandler: I'm not a dropper!
Ross: It's really a uh-uh three person game, y'know?
Joey: Whoa-whoa you guys, it's not a cat!
Chandler: Maybe that's because she's a minion of the anti-Christ.
Rachel: Well, they said would but they would only give me store credit. I mean, what am I going to do, get a thousand regular cats?
Rachel: No Mon that's not the point. I'm out a thousand dollars, I'm all scratched up, and I'm stuck with this stupid cat that looks like a hand! (Storms out.)
Monica: Oh my God, the cat's made my eyes water! Don't-don't throw it to me! My vision's been compromised!! (Quickly grabs a tissue to wipe her eyes.) Oh God! Okay. Okay. It's okay. Man, that was close.
Phoebe: I couldn't tell him no. He got so sad. Maybe it'll be all right. I do really like him a lot and probably do it eventually anyway and plus, think of all the money I'll save on stamps.
Monica: Why, do you write him a lot?
Phoebe: No, as soon as something opens up we'll move right in. Unless it doesn't have a pool, I need a pool. (Turns away from him.)
Gary: Phoebe, can I talk to you for a second?
(He takes her into one of those typical interrogation rooms you see on TV and in the movies. Which is really appropriate here, since this is a TV show. What are the odds of that?)
Gary: Take a seat. You okay? You feeling all right? (Closes the door and takes off his coat.)
Gary: In a minute. You-you checked today's Post?
Gary: Phoebe, it's okay that you feel this way. I mean it is soon. And there's a lot of things we don't know about each other, and I just figure that everything I really like. And the things I don't know, I get to learn about at someplace with both our names on the mailbox.
Rachel: Show cat! Quality show cat! Show cat! (A woman approaches.)
Rachel: It's not a baby! It's a cat!
Woman No. 2: Maybe. I was thinking about getting a cat, I was just going to go to the shelter (Good for her) but Okay, why not?
Rachel: Okay, a thousand.
Rachel: Well, I do, but you're just gonna have to actually look at this as more of an investment than a cat.
Woman No. 2: Okay, yeah, I just wanted a cat. (Starts to leave.)
Rachel: It's not! I'm defrosting a chicken. (Pause) Oh, I uh sold Mrs. Whiskerson.
Monica: Wow! You made a profit!
Phoebe: I like waking up with you too. (Looks out the window) Oh! It's such a beautiful morning. (Some birds are singing outside the window) Oh, I can stay here all day.
Gary: Wait, just a second.
Chandler: Come on! Gary's such a great guy! Whatever the problem is, you can work it out!
Phoebe: He shot a bird!
Chandler: Y'know, how did I get this reputation as a dropper? Okay? I'm anything but a dropper. (We see various scenes of him dropping a football, a mug of coffee, the phone, an apple, a Frisbee, a record, and the final scene has a ball bouncing off of his chest. I'm not going to describe them, you'll have to see them.)
Phoebe: (A woman with large breasts walks in the door) Ohh knockers will help us figure it out. (She walks by and he checks her out.)
Phoebe: Oh no not that guy there. That guy right there. (Pointing to an attractive man sitting at a table behind them.)
Phoebe: That wasnt a date! That was, that was just friends getting together (quietly) having sex.
Phoebe: No way! No way! You just broke with Tag a week ago.
Phoebe: I don't know. I haven't been out on a date in so long.
Rachel: Phoebe, you had a date three days ago.
Joey: Oh-oh-oh-oh, how I do it is, I look a woman up and down and say, "Hey, how you doin?"
Joey: See, there was kind of a mix up in my agent's office, but I'm still on TV and that's good exposure.
Cecilia: Im supposed to meet and hug a fan whose dying, but thats not supposed to be until (to no one in particular) later!
Joey: (laughs that one off) Yeah. So uh Ross, well nowwhy did that first marriage breakup? Was it because the woman was straight or she was a lesbian?
Joey: No. No, Im Joey Tribbiani; we did a scene together yesterday. I-Im the guy in the coma!
Cecilia: Oh that was a real person?!
Joey: Ms. Monroe (She slaps him) Oh there you go. (She storms off, leaving Joey standing next to Dina. They share a nod at the ferocity of the slap they just received.)
Joey: That was a great scene! And-and-and that slap looks so real! How do you do that?
Cecilia: And if it were true, how dare you come to me ask me for tips about a character that Ive been playing for 20 yearsIll give you a tip! (She throws her drink in his face.)
Phoebe: Okay, a meat eater. Fine, thats one for you.
Phoebe: So you dont know thats Barneys the store! That can be yknow his friends house, or a bar. Who has Barneys the store on their speed dial?
[Cut to Rosss apartment, he his playing the Bagpipes, badly. Hes worse than that whole keyboard thing a few years ago.]
Monica: He cannot play at our wedding! I mean everyone will leave! I mean come on, that is just noise! Its not even a song!
Joey: No. It just seems like Ross is the kind of a guy that would marry a woman on the verge of being a lesbian and then push her over the edge.
Phoebe: That is a different phone.
Phoebe: (To Rachel) Shhh! Im on a call! (On phone) Umm well yeah, you can pick it up tonight, say 8:30? At-at my apartment. Its umm, its umm 5 Morton Street, Apartment 14, umm and then maybe yknow after we can grab a bite to eat or whatever. (Listens) Okay, well okay Ill see you then. (Listens) Bye. (Hangs up.)
Ross: Its called the Bapstein-King comet, okay? (Joey starts to groan.) Hey! Hey! Bapstein was a very well respected astronomer!
Cecilia: Joey, well thank you. That is so sweet. Oh, excuse me. (She throws her drink on a passing writer.)
Cecilia: (to him) Im having a conversation here! (To Joey) You were saying?
The Fan: Can-can I get your autograph, Im your biggest fan. (Holds out a napkin and a pen.)
Phoebe: Ooh. Oh. It looks like, like a tiny little person drowning in your cereal. (Ross gives her this look, like 'Yeah, doesn't it', and gets up to dump it down the drain.)
PHOEBE: Well, 'cause, I mean, what if, what if he's not this great dad guy? I mean, what if, what if he's just still the dirtbag who ran out on my mom and us? You know what? I've already lost a fake dad this week and I don't think I'm ready to lose a real one.
Joey: Hey! Now, Ive been watching some tapes, hows this? (In a British accent.) "Jessica Lockhart will never step foot in this place again! Ever!!"
Joey: Have you ever slept in the same bed as a monkey?!
Ross: Am I! Am I! Am I out of my mind! Am I losing my senses!! This dreamy guy is taking my girlfriend out for a meal.
Ross: A lesson in the importance of unagi. (He starts doing the finger thing every time now.)
Ross: No, youve heard my practice. Okay? Just-just give me a chance to perform for you and then decide whatever you want. And Im not going to tell you what song Im gonna play either. But uh, lets just say when its over Ill bet there will be a we bit o celebration.
Joey: Oh wellHey-hey! Maybe, maybe uh, maybe this is a good thing. Yknow? Itll-itll give you a chance to shake things up, play different characters. Youre so talented.
Phoebe: Pay the caterer! Look, I've had a lot of jobs, okay, and there are some people who just always try to get out of paying. It's either, you know, "that massage wasn't long enough, or, "I don't recognize any of those songs," or, you know, "these sombreros aren't big enough. Bad little white girl!"
Joey: Fine! Have you ever got stuck in a pair of your own leather pants?!
Cecilia: But Well now, nows a different time for me. (Starts to cry.)
Cecilia: Oh yeah-yeah, we should get the (Pause) So when Jessica kisses a man, she usually puts umm, both her hands on the mans face. (She does so.)
Cecilia: That was good, that was really good. But I-I think your hands maybe a little off, they should be maybe right like (She grabs the back of his neck and kisses him passionately causing them to fall onto the couch.)
(There is a knock on the door.)
Phoebe: Can you believe this? (Rachel exhales in amazement.) We were waiting for a hot guy and then an even hotter one shows up!
Phoebe: Yeah! Youre such a great friend!
Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God!! Ohh, Jessica Lockhart!! In my apartment!! I am such a huge fan! I am such a huge fan!
Monica: (breaks away) Oh wait, just one more thing! One more minute! (To Cecilia) Umm, youre a stupid bitch.
Joey: (flipping to the last page) Ew, you get thrown from a horse into an electric fence.
Joey: Well no, Im just in a coma. This must mean I have lines! (Realizes what that means.) Oh
Ross: now remember you have to imagine me in a kilt.
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, a scene is being shot where Dina and Fredrick are celebrating Jessicas horrible accident by drinking champagne.]
(Hearing the screaming Chandler and Joey rush in. Joey has a pan, Chandler has a tea kettle.)
Cecilia: A film in Guadalajara!
Cecilia: (running out to Joey) That was so wonderful! (Hugs him) Ohh, I think that youre a better Jessica than I ever was!
Joey: Thats a really long time.
Cecilia: Yeah, but you can come and visit me. I bet that you could uh, own a few places down there.
Cecilia: That is a tricky one. Well, Joey I really wanna thank you. Youve, well you made a very difficult time for me a little less painful.
Joey: Well I tell ya, I should probably buy a place in the city first. (Realizes.) And I just got what you meant againThat isI tell ya, that is a tricky one!
Cecilia: I am. I am, but I dont know you know. An actor of a certain age is not that easy.
Ross: Hi, we have a little bathroom emergency.
Ben: Whats a virgin?
Chandler: Easy for you to say; youll be wearing a veil.
Monica: Well then we still have a problem.
Phoebe: Yes! A friend of mine did it and its totally legal!
Rachel: Ben yknow when uh, when you were a baby, you and I used to hang out all the time. Cause I was, I was your daddys girlfriend.
Rachel: Hey! We were not on aOkay. Thats fine! Fine. Yknow what Ben? One day when you are a lot older I am going to tell you that entire story over a pitcher of real margaritas, okay?
Ben: Cause you guys were on a break.
Ben: (laughs) Thats a good one.
Phoebe: Oh, I have a headache. A horrible headache!
Joey: All right!!! Okay!! All right! Okay-okay, I gotta get started on my speech! Oh, wait a minute, Internet ministers can still have sex right?
Ross: I have a bone to pick with you.
Ross: Yes! Ben learned a little trick.
(She opens the door to reveal Ross with a pencil mark from his forehead to his chin.)
Rachel: Oh, come on! Saran Wrap on the toilet seat, you dont think thats just a little funny?!
Monica: No, Im wearing a wedding dress.
Chandler: Oh you got a wedding dress? Thats great!
Rachel: Yes okay. (Checking the speed dial again.) Well now see this isnt telling us anything. (Reading the speed dial) Joe. Carlos. Peter. Ooh! Peter Luger! T hats a steak house!
Joey: Yeah, I just got off the Internet! Man, there is a lot of porn out there!
[Scene: Carol and Susans, there is a knock on the door and Carol opens it to reveal Rachel.]
Carol: What a nice surprise! What are you doing here?
Rachel: Id love that. I would loooove (Carol goes to make the coffee and she sits down.) So uh, so where is sweet little Ben? I would love to have a little...
Rachel: Yeah! If you don't I will! Of course your body's gonna change. Your breasts are gonna get bigger, your ass is gonna get bigger, you're gonna lose bladder control. (she starts sobbing) God! It's just such a magical time!
Monica: Okay! But you cant rip it. Well, maybe a little.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are watching a basketball game on the couch.]
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's. Ross lays a lot off small papers, shaped like the U.S. states onto the floor making a map with the states. Phoebe enters]
Joey: Yeah! (Monica goes in the bedroom.) Yknow, she could use a little (Whistles that she needs to do what theyre doing.) (Something happens on the game.) Oh nice shot!!! (They all cheer.)
Phoebe: Oh! Here it is! (Noticing it next to the door.) Ooh, Joey! Why did you sign it, "Son of a bitch?" (Son of a bitch is written across the entire picture.)
Joey: No, no, no! Its real! And it has been since 1998. (Rachel returns from the bathroom.) Hey Rach! Rach! Im up for a Soapie!
Joey: No! Im up for a Soapie!
[Scene: N.Y.U, Ross is giving a lecture.]
Ross: Well we-we dont know for sure. But in my head it-it sounded something like this. (He makes a high pitched noise and Alan doesnt know what to make of it.) Of course, this is just conjecture. Okay, thats uh, thats all for today. (Everyone starts to get up.) Uh Mr. Morse, can I see you for a moment?
Ross: Just a high pitched intimidating noise.
Ross: Well that brings me in the loop a little.
Janice: Okay, Im going to need a comforter, but did you have a hypoallergenic one because otherwise I get very nasal. (Makes some weird sound) Do you have a cat? Cause its already happening. (Makes a nasal sound) Do you hear that? (She keeps making the nasal sound.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are drinking coffee and Phoebe notices a cute guy checking them out.]
Rachel: What? No! Its not a big deal! I do that too, with my shampoo bottle.
[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is sitting on the bar, bouncing a ball against the door. Joey walks in right as he throws the ball and catches it.]
Phoebe: You sound like a guy.
Phoebe: Youll have a last kiss.
Joey: (laughs) Yeah! Right! (points at Monica) People eat birds... Bird meat... Now do they just fly into your mouth or you go to... you go to a restaurant and you say: "Excuse me, I'll have a bucket of fried bird." (laughs again) Or... or maybe just a wing or... (realises...)
Joey: Ross has a boyfriend.
Monica: Ah, well then there are gonna be a few surprises!
(Elizabeth leaves and Ross starts to remove his clothing right there in the middle of the living room where someone can see him. Of course, someone almost does, but he hears a door opening and )