words in movies
Chandler: I missed most of the party (pause) Charlie's a girl, right?
Ross: Oh, I don't know, they seem to have a shared interest in each other's tonsils...
Phoebe: Wow, Joey and a professor! Can you imagine if they had kids and if the kids got her intelligence and Joey's raw sexual magnetism... Oh, those nerds will get laaaaaid!
Chandler: (to Joey) So, a professor, uh?
Charlie: You know, actually I'm a little surprised to myself. I mean, Joey is so different from the guys I usually date. I mean, they're all professors, and intellectuals, and paleontologists mostly, you know, very cerebral...
Joey: Hey, if you wanna grab a bite before work we'd better get acrimonious. No? Am I getting close?
Phoebe: Hey you guys! Look what I just got. (she shows them a pair of slippers)
Rachel: (after a pause) Phoebe, Shania Twain is still alive!
Rachel: Oh, it's a gift certificate to this new SPA in SOHO.
Rachel: Ah, why, now I can't get a massage? There are so many things that she disapproves of! I can't eat veal, I can't wear fur, I can't go hunting...
Rachel: Phoebe, come on, I don't wanna waste it! It would be like throwing away a hundred bucks!
Phoebe: I feel really strongly about this, Rachel. Please, don't use this gift certificate. I'm asking you as a friend.
Rachel: Oh, not as a friend, Phoebe!! Fine, I won't use it!
Monica: Ok, trying to turn me on by making a mess? Know your audience! Besides, tomorrow we're doing those fertility tests and until then you need to keep your tadpoles in the tank.
Monica: Honey, we've been trying to have a baby for over a year. I think it's a good idea to find out if everything's ok. Just a few routine tests.
Chandler: But I don't wanna do it in a cup!
Chandler: It's weird! In a doctor's office?
Monica: It's not ok to do it in a doctor's office but it is ok to do it in a parked car behind a Taco Bell?
Chandler: (embarrassed) I cannot believe Ross told you that! (pause) And in my defense, it was a Wendy's!
Monica: Look, I don't wanna do this test either, but I really do think it's a good idea!
Chandler: Yeah, ok. I'm sure that doctor's office can't be worst than on a class trip to the Hershey's factory!
Joey: (sipping red wine from a glass) Who says that wine has to cost more than milk!
Joey: Can I offer you a drink?
Charlie: Please, I've been crazed all day! I had a meeting with the Dean, and my syllabus for summer school is due and I'm writing the Foreword for a friend's book...
Joey: Uh-oh. I hade a pretty hectic day at work too, today I had to open a door and go (looking scared) ohhhh!
Joey: Hey, if you need a tour guide... (point to himself)
Charlie: And there is a collection of Walt Whitman letters on display at the public library.
Rachel: Oh, hi. I have a massage appointment under Rachel Green, and here is my gift certificate.
Receptionist: Have a seat through the glass doors.
Phoebe: But that woman can't know I work here. She's a friend of mine and I made this big stink about how awful this massage chains are.
Receptionist: Well, I think this is a great place to work!
Joey: Yeah, I'm... I'm kind of having a little problem.
Ross: (after a short hesitation) Fine.
Ross: Yeah, most of it it's a place packed with confused angry baseball fans!
Ross: Yeah, uh, uh, ok, there's this great rare bookstore on Madison Avenue. You know what? She loves architecture, you know what you should do? You should take a walk down fifth to the Saint Patrick's Cathedral and there there's this great little pastry shop that she'd love.
Chandler: I have a weird feeling about this place. (pause) How do I know that they are not gonna secretly videotape me and put it all over the internet.
(a nurse walks in)
Chandler: Deposit my specimen? You know, usually I have to call a 900 number for that kind of talk. Thanks, got it.
Janice: Oh! Someone's a little cranky today cuz they have to do it in a cup! (laughs) Oh! They gave you the kiddy size (looking at the cup in his hand).
Chandler: I'd love to stay, but I have eh... (points at the cup) got a hot date... (starts to leave)
Janice: Please... go! (Then shouts after him) Just let me know if you need a hand!
Phoebe: (In a strange heavy accent) Hello "ja", it's time for your massage, ja! Put your face in the hole.
Rachel: Wow, a Swedish massage from a real Swedish person. (Puts her head in the hole and Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: It's a normal Swedish name... Ikea...
Phoebe: (Thinks for a few moments) Uhm... Stockholm.
Joey: No idea! But the guy I said it to dies in the next scene so I guess it means "you're gonna get eaten by a bear".
Janice: Oh! Sid is still in his room. I don't allow porn at home so this is like a vacation for him. So did you do it? Did you make your deposit?
Chandler: (Slightly panicky) Yeah, but what if it's not? What if there is a reason why we can't have a baby?
Janice: What, you can do it in the parking lot of a Taco Bell, but you can't do it at a doctor's office?
Chandler: (stares at her intently, then yells) It was a "Wendy's!! "
Rachel: Wow, Ikea... what a rich culture. Uhm, you know what? I have a friend who is a masseuse.
Phoebe: Or... maybe she has trouble loosening your knots because you're such a high maintenance tight ass!
Rachel: For like a half an hour! Man, you can lie about Sweden!
Rachel: Yes you do, if you're going to make me feel guilty for getting a free massage!
Phoebe: Because I was ashamed ok? I sold out for the cash! And then they give me benefits like medical, and dental, and a 401K. But you know... you pay a price. Now I'm this Corporate stooge and punching a clock and Ugh! paying taxes!
Ross: (perplexed for a moment) Wait a minute... when you guys walked into the Met, did you go to the right?
Ross: (shaking head) Oh Joey, Joey! But still, I mean, it seems like you guys are having a great time together.
Ross: What, I mean, a little, but no, what, go on.
Ross: (slowly) Yeah. But you know what? I think you should give Joey a chance. I mean, he's a great guy, and sure he doesn't know that much about art but you know, you can always talk about that with someone else.
Chandler: (picking up a plastic cup similar to the one he deposited his specimen in) It is not okay that I'm aroused by this now.
Monica: With good news? (very quickly and wringing hands) Of course it is not good news, you just said (deadpan) "Doctor Connelly just called". If it was good news you would have said (excitedly) "Doctor Connelly just called! " But so what is it? Is there a problem, uh? Is there a problem with me or with you?
Chandler: It means that my guys won't get off their barcaloungers and you have a uterus that is prepared to kill the ones that do. (pause) It means...
Chandler: (seriously) It means that we can keep trying, but there's a good chance this may never happen for us.
Phoebe: Rachel Green? (angrily) Son of a bitch, she came back?
Phoebe: (through the door, with a Scottish accent) Are you ready for your Scottish massage? Put your face in the hole, lassy.
Rachel: (to Gunther) Ill take a coffee. (To Ross) So how was your big date last night?
Monica: What? We took a walk, nothing happened. I can back with nothing all over me.
Chandler: (totally not crying) Well see now that I can see crying over, but Bambi is a cartoon!
Chandler: Hey, will you grab me a cruller? (Joey starts to groan and get up.) Sit down! Will you go to the hospital?!
Chandler: No, I guess I just never really cried. Yknow? Im not a crying kind of guy.
Chandler: Cry?! I just found a talking puppy, Im rich!
Rachel: Wiper blades. I don't even have a car.
Chandler: No! Look, I dont cry! Its not a big deal! Okay?!
Phoebe: All right, whats going on there? (Points to a picture.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is putting away her guitar as a man approaches.]
The Fan: Wow! Wow, thanks a lot! I just wanna say, I think youre really talented.
Joey: (to the fan) So, you saw me on Days Of Our Lives huh? Want me to, want me to do a little Dr. Drake Remoray for ya?
Phoebe: Youre just saying that because youre my biggest fan. (The fan leaves and Joey approaches.) (To Joey) Joey listen, take good care of that guy, okay? (Points) Hes a fan. (To the fan as shes leaving) Bye! (Exits)
Joey: Hey Gunther, dont let that guy in here anymore! He just said Phoebes a porn star!
Ross: Oh, we went to see a collection of Victorian doorknobs and the Cupert-Hewitt museum.
Ross: Hi (sees Rachel and forgets her name for a moment).
Rachel: Ohhh well. Yknow what honey? The best thing to do to get over a guy is to start dating someone else. Oh! There is this great guy you will love at work named Bob! Hes a real up-and-comer in Human Resources.
Monica: (noticing the bag Joeys carrying) Oh great! Did you get a movie?
Joey: What?! Thats not fair! Its not my fault! I was off with my brides maid! And whos to say I wouldve even said yes?! (To Monica) I mean I wouldve said yes. Chandler look y-y-you are making way to big a deal out of this, all right? Look, everything worked out okay!
Joey: (holds up the movie) Phoebes a porn star!
Chandler: Hey, I had a terrible childhood and I dont do porn.
(Ross stands next to him for a second, then goes and watches the movie.)
Monica: (hands the tape back to Joey, but doesnt let him grab it) Yknow maybe a little bit!
Monica: Hold on a second! What is that on her ankle?
Rachel: Oh, its a tattoo! Thats weird, Phoebe doesnt Wait thats Ursula! Thats not Phoebe that is Ursula!
Chandler: Yeah I know, but I figured a shot yknow? Maybe one of those stories would make me cry and then you wouldnt think I was yknow, all dead inside.
Rachel: Well its hard to tell (Rachel gets up to get a closer look, only shes having some trouble.) Oh God, if she would just stop moving.
Chandler: No, I mean, come on, seriously think about it, we get married, were up at the altar and Im like this. (Makes a bored face.)
(They click their glasses and take a sip. That sip turns into a gulp, which quickly progresses into their mutual draining of their glasses at once.)
Prospective nanny: (in a sweet, caring voice) I think that's really smart. The easier we can make the transition for her, the better. (Ross and Rachel seem pleased with the answer.)
Joey: Wh? Monday, one day. Tuesday, two day. Wednesday, when huh what? Thurs(He gasps in horror.) Oh! (Runs out and Chandler just shakes his head. After a second Joey runs back in to grab a piece of pizza and runs back out.)
Jill: Oh great! Thanks Ross, youre such a good friend!
Jill: Rachel and I had a really big fight, can I come in? I-I mean I know were not supposed to see each other anymore and Im okay with that, its just that I dont know anybody in the city and I really need somebody to talk to about it.
Phoebe: You bought your sheets at a flea market? Ross come on, you gotta loosen the purse strings a little.
Phoebe: Me taking care of you is no problem, huh? You guys feel safe. Right? Okay, Im gonna take that spit bubble as, "Yeah, I do!" Okay, after I get rid of this dirty diaper Leslie, Ill set you up with a clean one. (She throws it at the garbage without looking, misses, and knocks over a vase and flowers, which fall to the floor and break.) Okay, Im sorry. I didnt mean to scare you. I just have to clean that up. Okay? Cause lets face it, were at Monicas. (She crawls over, disposes of the diaper, picks up the flowers, and the vase.) I broke it. All right. Well, thats just the way that goes. (She throws out both the flowers and the vase.) Okay, good. (She turns around and only counts two babies.) Why are there only two of you? Where is Leslie? Well, you cant answer. (She starts looking for her) Leslie? Where are you Leslie? Leslie, now would be a good time for your first words! (She turns around and finds that Leslie has managed to crawl into the bottom drawer of the TV cabinet.) Well, look at you! Hey! You are a little bit mischievous! My gosh! (She picks her up and notices a surprise is waiting in the drawer.) Oh, youre a lot mischievous! Well, itll dry. (Closes the drawer with her foot.) (To Leslie) Okay, you sit with your brother and sister nowwho arent there! (They both have disappeared as well.)
Ursula: Yknow, twin stuff is always a real big seller.
Ross: So thats the only reason she could be here huh? It couldnt have anything to do with the fact that-that maybe Im a good listener and I uh I put on a great slide show!
Rachel: (teasingly) And while Im gone dont you boys sneak a taste.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is reading a paper as Phoebe enters.]
Joey: Thats great, but isnt it gonna bother that people still think youre a porn star?
Phoebe: No! No! I just went to pick up Phoebe Buffays checks; there were a lot of them.
Chandler: (starts crying) I-I cant believe Jills gone. (They all look at him.) I cant help it, I opened a gate.
Jen: Sure, I'll just get my coat. (There's a knock on the door.) Could you get that?
Ross: The first time! No seriously, imagine if Carol hadnt realized she was a lesbian.
Rachel: Hey, you guys! Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce!
Joey: Yeah for like a half an hour one night! Chandler, she wants you for the rest of her life! Youre so lucky! Look what I missed out on by not being there! Although you know what? It could never have worked like you guys did, cause you guys are perfect for each other. Yknow, we look at you and-and we see you together and it just it-it fits. Yknow? And you just know its gonna last forever.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is entering numbers on a calculator as Ross reads off how much hes sold.]
RACH: She is not Rachem. What the hell's a Rachem? Is that some stupid paleontology word that I wouldn't know because I'm just a waitress.
Chandler: What if I had had the guts to quit my job? Id probably be writing for the New Yorker, getting paid to be funny. But my jobs fun too! I mean tomorrow, I-I dont have to wear a tie.
[Scene: A newsstand, Ross is buying a magazine and gets in line behind a woman.]
Ross: Ok, well, uh, I can maybe grab a sleeping bag, or...(There's one of those moments. They're staring at each other, no word uttered, and then she leans toward him in order to kiss him, but he ducks and avoids her more than once.) Oh, oh. (he then hugs her and when she tries to kiss him again, he stands up and she falls down on the bed). No, Rach! I'm sorry, I just don't think this, this, this is a good idea.
Ross: Uh-huh. (Steps to a random kid nearby and hands him his money.) Hey, here you go buddy. Sorry, no porn for you. (To Rachel) Okay, lets go see Monica!
Phoebe: Yeah. (She notices some guy putting a coat on his girlfriend is trying to remember where hes seen her before.) (To him) Youre trying to figure out where you know me from? All right, Ill give you a hint. From porn! Okay? (He tries to rush his girlfriend out.) Yeah your pervert boyfriend watched me in a porno movie! (To Joey) See?
Joey: Yeah, the man wreaks! Smells like he went on a three day fishing trip and then ate some liquorice.
Monica's Boyfriend: Yeah. Yknow, the hazelnut actually not a nut, its a seed.
(As Joey goes to the bathroom, Corporate Phoebe enters. Shes wearing a business suit and carrying a briefcase.)
Monica: You are so sweet to notice! Yes, I lost three and a half pounds!
Monica: (gets up and gasps) Oh my God! Rachel!! (Rachel is stunned to see that her long lost friend is still fat.) (Monica goes over and gives Rachel a big bear hug, which is quite easy for her.) You look terrific!
Phoebe: Oh, Ode To A Pubic Hair?
(They both get up and Monica expects Joey to take the lead, but he doesnt, and they fumble around for a little bit.)
Monica: Rach, hes a friend of ours.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Phoebes cell phone rings and she goes through her little routine of lighting a cigarette before answering the phone.]
Joey: (scores) Yes! I win again! Ha-ha! Thats like 500 bucks you owe me! Whoo-ho-hoo! (Goes over to the fridge and starts opening and closing the door rapidly.) $500 that is a loooot of electricity! (By the way, theres nothing in the fridge.) Whoo-ho-ho! (Notices the sparseness of the fridge.) I gotta buy some food.
Joey: All right, heres a list of things for you to do today. Man, this going to be so great! Thank you so much! All right, I got to go to work Im delivering twins today, but only one of them is mine! (Exits.)
Chandler: Well, actually its a hockey team, so its angry Canadians with no teeth.
Chandler: Phoebe, are you having a heart attack?!
Monica: Lets take a walk. (They start to leave.) Yknow maybe you should consider writing for Talking Out of Your Ass magazine! (They exit.)
[Scene: A hospital, Phoebe is recovering from her heart attack as Ross, Monica, and Chandler are there to comfort and support her.]
Ross: Come on Pheebs, its not that bad! Yknow most people would be excited if they didnt have to work for a couple of weeks.
Monica: Honey, having a heart attack is natures way of telling you to slow it down.
Chandler: I always thought having a heart attack was natures way of telling you to die! (Phoebe glares at him.) But youre not gonna die. I mean, you are going to die, but youre not gonna die today. I wish I was dead.
Ross: Well umm, Ive been doing a lot more of my kara-tay.
Phoebe: That fan kinda looks like ours. And the birdcage and the wait a sec! This is our exact living room!
Joey: Well, that is a large piece of television equipment. (Points at a large piece of television equipment as an old man walks by.) And uh that is an old man! Hey old man!
Ross: Maybe this wouldve happened if Id been more nurturing, or Id paid more attention, or I... had a uterus. I cant believe this!
Joey: Why? (In Drakes voice.) Why cant the world stop turning, just for a moment? Just for us?
Joey: (holding a plate of what looks like Rice Crispies Treats) I know, here-here!! (Hands her the plate.)
Rachel: Thats a line from the show too!
Joey: Oh my God, Im sorry, Im being so rude. (Turns to Rachel.) Rachel, would like a soda or something? Because Chandler would run right out and get it.
Phoebe: Yeah, and I know you guys dont know a lot about psychic readings, but that one is pretty much the worse one you can get.
RICHARD: Well, that's not bad at all. I mean, you had me thinkin it was like a fleet.
Carol: Yeah! And maybe someday we could get a place with two bathrooms.
Ross: Well I dont know umm, (Pause) what if we were too tie each other up? (Carols shocked and obviously doesnt like that idea.) Umm, some people eat stuff off one another. (Carol doesnt like that idea either.) Nah! Umm, yknow we-we could try dirty talk? (Carol still says no.) Umm, we could, we could have a threesome.
Chandler: Who sold a story to Archie Comics?!
Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey Chandler look, I know youre mad, but I just want to say Im sorry. I-I was a total jerk. Completely o-over the line. Uh, I just I hate pulp! Yknow? I mean, yknow how Monica feels about low fat mayonnaise?
[Scene: A judges chambers, Rachel and Ross are filing their annulment papers.]
Joey: Yeah, o-o-o-o-okay anyway, I just wanted to say Im sorry. Here. (Hands him a cup.)
Chandler: Oh you wouldnt uh, care. Its just a stupid comic book story.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is recapping last season, and as she talks we see a montague of scenes from Ross and Rachel.]
Monica: Yeah, a lot. A lot, a lot!
Rachel: Oh Mon, listen I have to ask! Okay, Joey Tribbiani invited me back to his apartment, now does he do this with a lot of girls?
Joey: Wait a minute. That sounds a little familiar! Did they already do that one? Cause I think I read it!
Rachel: Jill this is not about me being jealous of you! This is about you being a brat! Wanting what you cant have!
Rachel: Yeah. Oh I just wish we could not be married for a little bit! Yknow I just wish we could be like on a break!
Rachel: Oh my God! Youre a 30 year old virgin!
(He does a kara-tay move to silence her, then answers the phone.)
Phoebe: No! Its not a cigarette! The smoke is coming out of me!
(He goes to turn off a machine. Suddenly, Dr. Drake Remoray appears at the door with two cops!)
Dr. Drake Remoray: Not so fast Wesley! (Rachel does a silent clap.)
Dr. Drake Remoray: Thats right Wesley! I just stopped by to say that, youre not a real doctor! And that womans brain, is fine!