words in movies
Rachel: Well, my eye is a little itchy.
Rachel: (flinches) Ross! Come on! That's all right! Fine--Okay, I have a weird thing about my eye. Can we not talk about it please?
Phoebe: Ohh, give him a kiss for me!
Phoebe: Uh, it's a piece of paper and it says, "Ross" on it.
Joey: (entering, depressed) Hey. I just got off the phone with Estelle and guess what. (Pause, then very excitedly) I GOT THE LEAD IN A MOVIE!!!!!!
Chandler: You got the lead in a movie? That's amazing! What's the movie about?!
Joey: It's called Shutter Speed, it's really cool! Yeah, umm, I meet this girl in the subway and we fall in love in like a day, right? And then, she disappears But I find out where she lives and when I get there this like old lady answers the door and I say, "Where's Betsy?" Right? And she says, "Betsy's been dead for 10 years."
Joey: Road trip! Yeah, we can rent a car! I just have to be there by Tuesday!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is reading a map as Phoebe enters.]
Joey: I can't decide which route to take to Vegas. Hey, you've traveled a lot right?
Phoebe: Ooh, if you take the northern route there's a man in Illinois with a beard of bees. {Okay, I must protest this, I've lived in Illinois all my life and know of no man with a beard of bees! Wisconsin, on the other hand, might be a different story.}
Phoebe: But on the southern route there's a chicken that plays tic-tac-toe.
Phoebe: Oh, I know a way that you can decide! All right, I'm going to ask you a series of questions and you answer as quickly as you can.
Phoebe: Good, but wait. Okay, all right, here we go. Now I want you to relax. Take a deep breath. Clear your mind. (Quickly) Which do you like better peanut butter or egg whites?
Phoebe: Which would you rather be a fireman or a swimmer?
Joey: A swimmer!
Ross: Uhh, not much. You guys want to see a movie tonight?
Phoebe: Umm, no thank you. (She gets up and moves to the couch. They were at a table previously.)
The Doctor: I'm Dr. Miller. Monica told me you were a little nervous, but don't worry everything's gonna be just fine.
Dr. Miller: This is a glaucoma test.
Dr. Miller: But your chin here. (She does so.) Now, you'll feel a small puff of air in each eye.
Monica: A small puff of air, now come on!
Dr. Miller: Okay. You've got a small, minor infection in that left eye. I want you to take these drops three times a day and you'll be as good as new.
Dr. Miller: And I'll fit you for a glass eye.
Monica: I sure do! (She runs over to a drawer, opens it, and grabs a lollipop.) (To Rachel) And you don't get one!
Rachel: Y'know, I-I gotta tell ya, those eye drops are a miracle. My eye is a 100% better.
Chandler: Yeah, listen, how cold is it going to be there? Do I need a coat or will all these sweater vests be enough? (Holds up 3 of them in different colors.)
Phoebe: Thanks a lot! I just got that jerk out of my mind!
Chandler: Hey, so where are we staying? Is the movie putting us up in a big hotel suite?
Joey: Uh no, not really. It's an independent film y'know? So we don't have a real big budget. I figured I'd just stay in your room.
Chandler: I see, but once you get your first paycheck you'll be springing a big hotel suite, right? I mean, lead in a movie, they must be paying you a lot?
Joey: Did you not hear the plot of the movie? "She's been dead for ten years." I'm gonna be a millionaire!
Ross: I just wanna say good-bye to you guys and to see if you guys will place a little bet for me, huh? Twenty bucks on black 15.
Rachel: Well, wait a minute! The puss is good! It means it's healing! (Runs after him.)
Ross: Hey Pheebs, what 'cha reading? (Phoebe ignores him) Pheebs? (Turns away) Hello? (He sits down next to her and she moves over a bit.) Phoebe? (He moves closer and she keeps moving away.) Phoe-Phoebe! (They end up hanging over the arm rest.) Come on! (He grabs the magazine away from her.)
Phoebe: Oh no, I am mad at you. I know that much. But, I am sorry about the fat ass thing. You actually have a very sweet little hiney.
Chandler: We've been driving for a half-hour, and you haven't looked at the road once.
Joey: Don't worry, it's out there! (Just then a horn honks and Joey quickly looks at the road.) I think I just need lunch.
Joey: Ooh, hey, I know how we can decide! All right, uh, I'm gonna ask you a bunch of questions and then you have to answer real fast. Okay? So uh, clear your mind Clear it right out! Clear it out! Clear!
Joey: You don't think this is going to be a big break for me?
Joey: What are you talking about?! I'm the lead in a movie!
Chandler: They're not even paying ya! This doesn't even sound like a real movie!
Joey: Is that why you're on this trip, huh? Make me feel like a loser? 'Cause if it is, I'll tell ya, I-I-I'd rather be alone.
Chandler: All right, I'll tell ya what, the next time you ask me a question like that I'll lie.
Rachel: Oh, did you beat him at a board game? He turns into such a baby when he starts to lose.
Chandler: I don't know! He went crazy! Y'know, we were playing that game where you-you ask a question and you answer it really fast.
Chandler: Well, I don't know what mad him so mad, y'know? All I said was that uh, I didn't think this wasn't gonna be his big break, that this movie wasn't going to do anything for him, and that uh, y'know it didn't sound like a real movie--Okay, he should've pushed me off of the bridge.
Monica: Yes! All right, y'know what? Why don't we start with a practice run? Okay?
Rachel: Wow, y'know if Joey and Chandler walked in right now, we could make a fortune! (Monica is straddling Rachel and holding her arms down. In a rather risqu� pose, at least for primetime TV.)
Joey: (on a pay phone holding a box) Not as upset as he's gonna be when he finds out what I did with his sweater vests!
Joey: Let's just say there's a well-dressed pack of dogs in Ohio. Hey Monica listen is-is Phoebe there? I gotta ask her something about the car.
Monica: Yeah, she's here. Hold on a second. (She hands the phone to Phoebe.)
Phoebe: Oh that's my grandma. (Joey holds the box away from him.) And thanks Joey she's having a really great time. (Joey is happy now.)
Chandler: That's a good idea. I wonder where I could (Pause) get a basket of porn
Phoebe: Y'know what you should send him? A cartoon of cigarettes. 'Cause that why he could trade it for protection. No. That's prison.
Phoebe: Oh, come on! Yes, remember that time on the frozen lake? We were playing chess, you said I was boring, and then you took off your energy mask and you were Cameron Diaz! (Realizes) Okay, there's a chance this may have been a dream.
[Scene: The desert outside of Las Vegas, Joey is arriving and we hear the song, Name. Y'know, (singing) I've been through the desert on a horse with no name! It felt good to be out of the rain. In the desert, you can't remember your name, 'cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain. La la la-la-la, la, la, la, la-la-la. You get the idea. Anyhoo, he pulls up and stops. As he gets out of the car, he spills a huge pill of fast food containers out of the foot well.]
Stanley: It's a money thing, we don't have any.
Stanley: I don't know. A week? Maybe two? The money will turn up! People will always wanna invest in movies! Hey, you're not rich are ya?
Stanley: Eh, worth a shot. (Gets into his car.) Look Joey, let me know where you're staying, okay? (The car peels away.)
(I think one of the grips walk up to Joey, mainly because there's a credit for The Grip. What the heck is a grip anyway?!)
The Grip: These got left for ya. (He hands him a bunch of helium balloons.)
(The rest of the crew start to drive away leaving Joey sad, alone, and holding his congratulatory balloons as the song comes up again. La-la-la. See, I've been through the desert on a horse with no name! It felt good to be out of the rain! In the desert you can't remember your name, 'cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain. La-la-la, la, la, la )
Monica: Hey Joey! Aww, you remembered even though you're a big star!
Monica: Joey, what's it like on a movie set, huh? Do you have a dressing room? Do you have a chair with your name on it?
[Cut to Joey hanging up the phone in Vegas. He's wearing a Roman gladiator's uniform and goes over to join a family to pose for a picture. You see, he's apparently taken a job at Caesar's Palace.]
Joey: Everybody smile! (The picture is taken) Okay, thanks a lot! Enjoy your stay at Caesar's! We hope it's toga-rrific! (The family leaves.) Kill me. Kill me now.
Joey: Yknow, Monica and Chandler are married. Ross and Rachel are having a baby. Maybe you and I should do something.
Ross: Yeah. Uh, uh we promised we werent gonna tell anybody this but uh, about a month ago Rachel and I slept together.
Ross: Wow! I thought you would be a little more shocked.
(She lets her hair down and whips her hair around in Baywatch-esque slow motion with a Barry White song in the background. Chandler needless to say cant help but stare along with the rest of the male and lesbian population of North America.)
Ross: Yeah, I guess I should. (Starts to leave.) Man, yknow what I have to realize? Maybe Im just not the type of guy women can have just one night with. Yknow, they-they always seem to want a little bit more. I should remember that. (He pauses and then exits.)
[Cut to a hospital room set on the Days of Our Lives stage. Two nurses are standing next to a bed with a man whose face is completely covered in bandages and reading his chart.]
Mr. Treeger: You said there was a gas leak in here.
(They hear a knocking sound coming from the hallway and go to investigate.)
(With a final swing the door gives way.)
Mr. Treeger: Because by the time I find it on this thing (Holds up a huge key ring with a thousand keys on it), the whole place might have exploded. If that happens at another building that I manage, people are gonna start asking questions. (To the fireman) Come on! Hurry up.
Chandler: Oh thats all right, I have it memorized. Its 1A.
Airline Employee: (grabbing the ticket from him) Sir, this is not a first class ticket. Im sorry.
Chandler: All right buddy, time to roll over. (Rolls him over, and discovers a surprise) (Looking down) No-no! (Covers his eyes) No, no-n-n-n-no!! You are going to a clinic! Youre going to a clinic, and a pyjama store!
Dina: Well, at least Im not a murderer! (Jessica slaps her.)
Ross: Yeah, I need uh Im justI dont knowI dont understand, umm, how this happened? We-we used a condom.
Ross: By the way, the week before your wedding you may not see a lot of me. (She glares at him and he quickly makes his way to Phoebes room.)
Tag: Yknow, Im actually glad Phoebe called. (He pulls out a stool and Rachel sits down.) I know we broke up because you thought I wasnt mature enough, but Ive really grown up and think we should get back together.
Mr. Treeger: Well Im gonna have to put on a new lock, theyll find out anyway.
Ross: Okay. (He sits her down in a chair.) Uh, Ross and Rachel. Rachel and Ross. Thats been one heck of a see-saw hasnt it?
Phoebe: A little bit.
Front Desk Clerk: As a wedding gift to you, the hotel would like to give you the honeymoon suite.
Joey: And-and you wont blame us for any damage? (Gives Phoebe a thumbs up.)
Nurse: The doctor will be here in a minute to do your sonogram.
Joey: Uh, okay Ill-Ill-Ill break it down. (He hands the phone to Phoebe, gets up, picks up a chair, and starts banging it on the floor.)
Ross: Freaked out? Hey no, Im not freaked out! Im indignant! As a consumer!
Ross: What? Oh yeah. (He moves next to her head.) Im sorry. I mean I-I think I went a little crazy. I mean I was thinking about myself when I (Wanders towards Rachels feet) reallyI should have been thinking about you Rach
(Theres a knock on the door and Ross enters.)
Ross: Im just saying if you cant eat by yourself, how do you expect to have a baby by yourself?
Ross: Well certain other people take two hours to eat a bowl of soup!
Dr. Long: Congratulations. Ill give you two a minute.
Ross: Come on! Come on! Here, okay-okay, you see this? (Points) This tiny thing that looks like a peanut?
Phoebe: Also uhm... I just want you to know what a wonderful man your son is.
Chandler: Wait. Before we go in, I just want you to know I love you. I had a great time on our honeymoon, and I cant wait to go in there and spend the rest of our life together.
Joey: A couple? Like two people? Like (points to himself) one (points to Phoebe), two people?
Chandler: Im sorry, were just kinda excited because we finally have a couple to hang out with.
Chandler: We really didnt get a chance to
Monica: This is different! Greg and Jenny are in a relationship.
Chandler: Listen, they are really great. If you just got a chance
Monica: It was great! It was great! How about you?! I mean youre having a baby!
Ross: (laughs) Umm thats thats a little misleading.
Rachel: Oh! Look! I have a sonogram picture!
Ross: Yes lets. Yknow what? Uh, its-its not important. What is important is that, is that were having a baby. And its notDoesnt matter who came on to who.
[Scene: The Rehearsal Dinner, Chandler and Monica are greeting guests as they arrive. A woman enters.]
Joey: Yeah! You gotta tell a girl before you tape her. Such a rookie mistake.
Joey: All right! Ill have a sandwich!
Ross: Okay, listen I am not a pervert!
Monica: They gave us a fake number? Why? Why would they do that?
Chandler: Yknow who has a great video camera?
Ross: Do you have a minute? Id like to talk to you about something Im, Im really uncomfortable talking about.
Ross: Well, I mean its not all bad. Im learning to appreciate the uh, smaller things in life. Like the sound of a bird and the color of the sky.
Joey: Excuse me, Aaron? (The director turns around.) Hi! Umm, I have a little problem with the schedules. Originally, I wasnt supposed to work today, and I have this wedding that I really have to be at. Its my best friends, and Im officiating so I really cant work past four.
Ross: Please, help me! I have a date tonight. It has to go well okayIm scared for my health!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is reading a cereal box as Ross enters wearing the red sweater.]
Joey: Have a nice six more months Ross! (Starts to leave.)
Kristen: I studied for a year in Barcelona. (Ross is stunned and worried.)
Ross: Its from France In Europe Western Europe. Yknow umm, a few years ago I actually was backpacking across Western Europe.
Joey: How long since youve seen a girl naked?
Joey: Well youre not selling the story! Its like; its like you dont believe it! Look, I gotta go. I got a date, but try this. Do what I do when Im preparing for an audition. Okay? Ill set you up with my video camera and you can record yourself and-and see what youre doing wrong.
Joey: (trying not to laugh) That means a lot to me man. (Exits.)
(Ross pours himself a glass of wine, hits record, and sits down in front of the camera.)
Monica: I still don't get why Greg and Jenny would give us a fake number.
Ross: What a great idea! That will get Rachel to forgive me!
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is watching Jessica Lockhart perform a scene.]
Ross: Well, uh, do you have a Santa-outfit left?
Chandler: I had to! Okay, imagine you were married... and you found a tape of your wife in another guys' apartment... Wouldn't you need to know what was on it?
[Scene: Monicas Restaurant Kitchen, she is frantically working and is handing two finished dishes to a waitress.]
Melissa: So last I heard you were gonna get married. (Grabs Rachels hand and notices that she doesnt have a ring on it.) (Sadly) Oh poor Ray-ray.
Monica: Hey Tim? I need a calamari and a Caesar salad. And umm, could you get me the pesto?
Chandler: You know me sir. Oh ah, I do have a question for ya. Do you know how I get around the office computer network so I can access the really good Internet porn?
Rachel: (on tape) (Ross hands her a glass of wine) I cannot believe that I did this. Especially after Monica just went on and on and on about it! (Mimicking Monica) "Okay Rachel! Here are the invitations Rachel! Now be very careful Rachel! Please, drinking no liquids around the invitations Rachel!" (She tilts her wine glass above and moves it back and forth across the invitations) Whoa oh! Oh-oh-oh! Oh oh-oh-oh
Mr. Franklin: Youre a joker Bing. (Walks away.)
Bob: Hey Toby! Have a good night. (Walks by.)
Chandler: You like the Purple Rain display! (A guy walks up.) Hey Bob.
Joey: Oh, did I not mention? Carl is a guy I hired to be my identical twin for a medical research project.
Chandler: Oh its been going on way to long now. Yknow, I mean the first time he said it we were just passing each other in the hallway, so I didnt say anything. And then the next time he said, "Hey Toby, do you want a donut?" And I-I wanted a donut. And now its five years later, the donuts gone and Im still Toby.
Chandler: Shh! It is a family name!
Ross: Chandler Muriel Bing. Boy, your parents never gave you a chance did they?
[Scene: Days Of Our Lives set, Joey is doing a scene with a co-star as Rachel watches on a monitor.]
(Dramatic music plays and Joey does a little Smell-the-fart acting.)
Monica: All right, I still need a calamari and a Caesar salad.
MR. GELLER: Apparently, he told Johnny Shapiro that she's quite a girl. In fact, he told Johnny that he thinks he's falling in love with her.
Phoebe: Well maybe he was just nervous, yknow you can be very intimidating. And besides Ive met your pastry chef and she can stand to be taken down a peg or two.
Rachel: Oh! Oh, I think Im gonna throw up a little bit. What did you say?
Rachel: I thought I was a complete idiot.
Rachel: Well, Joey probably thinks Ill just embarrass him. Yknow, he thinks Im some kind of a soap opera nutWhich Im not! Im not. Although I do know that your uh, your favorite ice cream flavor is butter pecan. (Starts stroking his arm) And uh, and that your-your dogs name is Wally. Well look at that, Im just stroking your arm.
Joey: Rach look, I really dont think thats such a great
Chandler: Were on a semi-first name basis.
Joey: Guess I don't know. My experience: if a girl says yes to being taped... She doesn't say no to much else, I tell ya...
Mr. Franklin: (laughs) Thats a good one. (Walks away.)
Chandler: What does a guy have to do to be taken seriously around here?!
Phoebe: Come on! The boss that fires a guy thats just been dumped, bitch! And the woman who dumps a guy thats just been fired, blond bitch!
Bob: Hey Toby, you got a sec?
Rachel: Oh no, I cant. I got a date.
Joey: No. No. But Ill go see a normal person movie with ya.
Ross: (entering with a pizza and beer) Hey!
Ross: A date?! Shes-shes got a date?! With who?
Ross: A date?
Ross: A ferry? My baby is going on a ferry? Do you have any idea how dangerous those are?!
Ross: Hi. I-I hear youre going on a ferry tonight.
Ross: Why dont they just jump out of an airplane?! Huh?! That-thats a fun date! Or burn each other with matches?! Thats fun too! Whew!!