words in movies
(Joey and Ross enter. Phoebe and Mike are sitting on the couch, reading a magazine.)
Chandler: It was pretty simple actually, I came up with a couple of cost-cutting solutions, wrote out a list and Monica told me to go to hell.
Ross: There's no way around it Pheebs, you just gonna have to accept the fact that this is gonna cost you a lot of money.
Mike: I heard that weddings are like a 40 billion dollar a year industry.
Ross: No, no, no. The next time it's gonna be a Hawaii at sunset. [pause] But maybe the time after that!
Joey: Hey, is this person who decides whether or not you... get a baby?
Joey: Hey, maybe I should stop by! She could be a soap opera fan! It's very impressive when the little people know a celebrity.
Monica: Ok, so there's not a magazine under the couch, or a pack of cigarettes taped to the back of the toilet tank, or a filthy video in the VCR?
Phoebe: Yes. We're here to make a rather sizeable donation to the children.
Phoebe: Well, I think you're gonna appreciate it the crap out of this one (she gives him a check)
Phoebe: Oh, look! And we get these free t-shirts! (she takes a t-shirt which was on the counter)
Rachel: Hi! Emma will be up in a minute!
Ross: There was one! She's it! All the rest look like they should live under a bridge!
Rachel: (upset) All right, well, if you must know... I had a traumatic... swing incident... when I was little.
Rachel: Yes, I was 4 years old and I was on the swing and then all of a sudden my hair got tangled in the chain. And to get me out my mom had to-had to cut a big chunk of my hair! (crying) And it was uneven for weeks!
Rachel: Irrational, huh? All right, well, I’ll remember that the next time you freak out about a spider in your apartment!
Monica: We’re waiting for the adoption lady, but, hey, I’m glad you’re here. I was cleaning this morning and I found this (she puts a box on the table and opens it). I don’t know if you wanna use it, but…
Phoebe: Awe, this is so sweet of you! But you know what? I won’t be needing a veil, I actually won’t be wearing a dress at all!
Monica: I told you! I am not coming to a naked wedding!
Phoebe: No, no, no, we’re not having a big reception, we took the money we were gonna spend on a wedding and we donate them to the children charity.
Phoebe: We, you know, we’re different! We don’t care about having a huge party. (She picks up the veil) This is really nice for you, but, oh, please, I put this on? (she puts it on) And, ow, I look (she looks her reflex image on a toaster), why, well, radiant. (pause) All right, well, who cares, I don’t need a pretty veil and a fancy dress.
Monica: That’s right. You’re making a commitment and that’s the same, whether you do that at the Plaza or, where are you gonna do it?
Phoebe: It’s ok, it’s ok. I made my decision. What I really want is a great big wedding (she covers her mouth)
Rachel: Awe! (Emma laughs) Oh my God! Looks, she’s a little dare-devil! Oh, let me push, can I push?
Ross: Ok! (he takes the camera and walks backwards to take a shot) See? Scared of swings, I bet you feel pretty silly (a swinging boy knocks him down) Ow!
Phoebe: Yeah. See, that money was for a big wedding, that we thought we didn’t want, but it turns out we do.
Charity guy: Hey, it’s not my business, (he takes their check from a drawer) besides it’s probably a good thing. We really would have been spoiling the children, all those food, and warm clothing…
Phoebe: Hey, that’s not fair! A person’s wedding is important! And especially to me! Ok? I didn’t have a graduation party! And I didn’t go to Prom. And I spent my sweet sixteen being chased round a tire yard by an escaped mental patient who is his own words wanted to “kill me” or whatever. So I deserve a real celebration and I am not gonna let some sweaty little man make me feel badly about it.( She storms out)
Chandler: Oh, because we love kids. Love ‘em to death.Well, not actually to death, that's just a figure of speech - we love kids the appropriate amount... as allowed by law.
Monica: Ah, thank you. This building does have a wholesome family feel to it.
Monica: Is that that couple on the first floor? Because we should get a baby before them. Yeah! That guy tried to sell me drugs. (Laura looks shocked)
Laura: Oh, it's nothing. I went on a date with a guy who lived in this building and it didn't end very well.
Laura: Yeah, we had a really great night and in the morning he promised he would call me and he didn't.
Joey: (form the other side of the door) Hellooo? Anybody in there order a celebrity? (He starts to enter the apartment and Chandler runs to the door and shuts it back in his face) OW!
Ross: SON OF A BITCH! (turns to his right to see three kids staring at him) (To the kids) Oh relax! I didn't say the 'F' word! (They go away)
Rachel: If you hold a spider.
Rachel: IF you hold a spider.
Chandler: Oh yeah! He has a caretaker. His older brother... Ernie.
Mike: Well, hey, at least you're getting a proper wedding. I mean, you really deserve that.
Phoebe: Yeah, I really do. You know, I had nothing growing up. (thinks for a few seconds) Just like the kids I took the money from.
Phoebe: Look, I can't have a wedding with this money now. It's tainted.
Phoebe: And if that guy at the charity gives us a hard time, my friend hasn't shot anyone in a really long time.
Laura: Well, I must say, this seems like a lovely environment to raise a child in.
(Joey enters through the side window and jogs towards the kitchen holding a baseball bat)
Chandler: We don't have a code word.
Joey: Really? Think about it. Come on! You're a beautiful woman, smart, funny, we had a really good time, huh? If I had your number, why wouldn't I call you?
Joey: (acting sad) NO! I waited a long time, I can't wait anymore... (and closes the door behind him)
Charity guy: Yeah... And I'm giving it back to you... Come on! Consider it a contribution. (gives the check to Phoebe)
Charity guy: Please, take the check, go have a great wedding and a wonderful life together.
Mike: Well, I mean... It sounds good to me. And that way we can save up, come back in a few years and make an even bigger donation.
Monica: It was Laura... She gave us a great report and we are officially on the waiting list.
Monica: Now we just have to wait for a call and... and someone tells us there's a baby waiting for us. Oh...
(Chandler and Monica hug and after a while the telephone rings again... Monica's eyes get bigger. Chandler answers.)
Rachel: Ok... I got a spider. There were two, I picked the bigger one.
Ross: (Gasps and speaks at a higher pitch) This feels perfectly normal. Ok, get on the swing!
Ross: Well... (realizes, screaming like a little girl, trying to get rid of the spider) Whaa... aaah... aaahhh...
Monica: (in a French accent) Bonjour, monsieur.
Chandler: Now Monica, I know youre upset, but dont forget. There is going to be a wedding, you are going to throw the bouquet, and then theres going to be a honeymoon, maybe in Paris.
(There is a knock on the door.)
Phoebe: Okay, you said I could sing at your wedding so, Im just gonna need a small deposit.
[Cut to the living room, Joey is eating a sandwich.)
Joey: (singing) You've got to pick a pocket or two. Boyyyyssss, (picks a handkerchief from the pianist's pocket) you've got to pick a pocket or two..........
Chandler: What a great apology! (To Monica) And you accept! Okay, bye-bye!
Ross: (To Rachel) Hey, heres a thought.
Ross: Uh, Rachel, Ive been thinking. I dont think us getting together tonight is such a good idea. Im calling it off.
(Theres a knock on the door.)
Rachel: Okay well Ross! Stop it please! Wait a minute! (Motions for him to follow her lead, but he angrily shakes his head no. So she pokes him.)
Chandler: (interrupting her just in time) Hey! Heres a dollar, consider it a deposit. Please sing at our wedding.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, everyone is there having breakfast and Joey enters carrying a loaf of bread.]
RICHARD: Hear that? She likes me best, and apparently there've been a lot.
[Scene: A Classroom, Ross is giving a lecture.]
Monica: (returning) Okay! (Sets down a huge 3" 3-ring binder on the table.)
Phoebe: Well, umm, not much. But, I was just thinking that since those guys just got engaged that maybe it would be nice if they had some privacy, yknow? So, could I just move in with you for a couple days?
Ross: And that should conclusively prove that I had the idea for Jurassic Park first! Now lets take a look at (Phoebe rushes in.)
Joey: Yeah. Sorry about that. (He walks away and knocks on the next door which is answered by a little girl.) Oh, hey little girl. Uhh, is-is your mommy, or sister, or babysitter by any chance a hot girl?
Ross: Do you realize I have a classroom full of students?
Monica: All right umm, a string quartet for the procession.
Monica: A jazz trio for cocktails. The Bay City Rollers for dancing. Wait, that was from my sixth grade wedding.
Chandler: Yes, well, I expect this from her. Okay? She's always been a Freudian nightmare.
Rachel: Joey, there is a perfectly good couch across the hall!
Ross: Yeah, yeah, I was watching. (The instructor just nods and walks away.) Umm, hey, a couple of questions though. Umm, about that-that-that last move where the woman tripped you and then pinned you to the floor, what-what-what-what would you do next?
Joey: (sitting up from the couch) Hey Mon, do you have another pillow? (Holds up one.) Yknow, something a little snugglyer?
[Scene: Rosss apartment, Phoebe has moved in and has a massage client on her table shes set up in the living room. Ross enters and is shocked to see a naked man lying on the table.]
Phoebe: Im sorry, Im with a client right now.
(The guys takes a hockey stick and slips it through the handles then proceeds to take the stereo and Chandlers computer and walk out.)
Ross: The big deal is I dont want naked, greasy strangers in my apartment when I want to kick back with a puzzlebeer! Cold beer.
Joey: Okay, look Im sorry, I went in there to take a nap and I know I shouldnt have, but you got porn!
PHOEBE: Yeah? Are you sure, really. [She picks up a mirror and sees the white splotches all over her face.]
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are having dinner with her parents.]
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is coming out of the living room carrying his salad and a puzzlebeer! Cold beer. And he decides to fold up Phoebes massage table, but being Ross has trouble with it as there is a knock on the door. He sets the table back up and opens the door to reveal a beautiful woman.]
Mr. Geller: Which means you had seven years of beach fun and you cant put a price on that sweetie.
Mr. Geller: What?! They wanted a scary story!
Chandler: What a sweet story.
Monica: Oops! (Covers its eyes.) Yknow, your birthday is in a month-and-a-half, what do you say I forget to get you a present for that too?
[Scene: A Restaurant, scene continued from before the break.]
Mr. Geller: It seemed like such a simple idea.
Rachel: Wait, but theres no money! Well this is terrible! You guys are gonna have to get married in like a, rec. center!
Chandler: Well, close to (Notices Rachel leaning in to hear and decides to write it on a piece of paper and hand it to Monica as Phoebe averts her eyes.)
Joey: All right! Now hey, I need to use the bathroom. Since I dont need any assistance in there, take a break!
Ross: Hey, theyre going to the gym together! Two women! Stretching! Yknow they-they take a steam together! Things get a little playfuldidnt you see Personal Best?
Chandler: Well, come on, Ive been saving this money for six years and I kinda had some of it earmarked for the future, not just for a party.
Phoebe: Wow, money and a firm hand. Finally a Chandler I can get on board with.
Phoebe: My massage client, Arthur? His daughter called and said that some guy that worked for me gave him a really weird massage this afternoon.
Chandler: Sure I do. In fact, I think the whole concept of marriage is unnatural. I mean look at pigs. Lets take a second here and look at pigs. Okay pigs dont mate for life. I mean a pig can have like a hundred sexual partners in a lifetime, and thats just an ordinary pig not even a pig thats good at sports!
Phoebe: Well, hes never coming back! Okay? You just cost me eight dollars a week!
Monica: Honey, umm I-I love you, (laughs) but umm, if you call our wedding a party one more time, you may not get invited. Okay? (Laughs) Listen, we could always earn more money, okay? But uh, were only gonna get married once.
Chandler: Uh, four, a boy, twin girls and another boy.
Chandler: Clearly I did not start drinking enough at the start of the meal. (Starts to make up for lost time and takes a big swig of his drink.)
Monica: No, I want everything you just said. I want a marriage.
Monica: (laughs) Yknow what? I-I dont want a big, fancy wedding.
Rachel: Do you even know what a vicar is?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is balancing her checkbook as Joey enters from his room wearing a hockey helmet, gloves, and shin guards.]
Monica: No. No. Not it. Not it. Not it. (Checks another rack and another woman tries to reach around her.) (To the woman) Dont crowd me! (Finds it) This is it! This is the dress! Oh my God, its perfect! (She takes it off of the rack and someone has a hold of it on the other side of the rack and tugs on it.) Im sorry, this ones taken! (The other woman tugs harder pulling Monica through the rack.) Whoa!
Joey: Like a goalie, right?
Ross: As a romancer of the elderly.
Rachel: Oh, come on now, dont keep me waiting. Get those clothes off! But, I would keep that helmet on because youre in for a rough ride! (He backs into the door.)
Chandler: Well, stuff like whered we live, yknow? Like a small place outside the city, where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and stuff. Yknow, we could have a cat that had a bell on its collar and we could hear it every time it ran through the little kitty door. Of course, wed have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old.
Chandler: Are you kidding? Okay, Ill give you a hint; Ill give you a hint. (Points to his glasses.)
Chandler: Thats okay Pheebs, were not having a party or anything, so you dont have to get us
Joey: Oh, its great! Its a great place to just kinda, sit, hang around, drink a few beers, eat some chips. (He says that as he sits, hangs around, drinks a beer, and eats a chip.)
[Scene: Mr. Geller's party. Mr. Geller and a friend are questioning Richard while Ross observes.]
Chandler: Well, its good that you finally have a place to do that.
Chandler: Then free as a bird. Whats up?
Chandler: Uh why, do you have a lecture?
Phoebe: See no-no, I made a batch and I froze it, and this is the only one left.
Chandler: Okay, we owe you a present.
Monica: No!! Why didnt you make a copy and-and keep it in a fireproof box and keep it at least a hundred yards from the original?!!
Rachel: Yeah-yeah, did-didnt you use to have a pair? They were really round, burgundy, and they made you look kind of umm
Joey: (drinking a beer) Look at this clown! Just because hes got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river. (Yelling) Get out of the way jackass! (To Rachel) Who names his boat Coast Guard anyway?
Monica: I hadn't! Photo 152 was a prototype.
Monica: You dont? (Laughs) Well, thats the difference between a professional and a layman.
Rachel: Dont just say yes! This isnt a game, Joey you can really get hurt out here. Okay, so do you want to pay attention or do you want to die?!
[Scene: The Mr. Bowmont (Joeys boat), shes shown to be in one of the waterways around New York, but in reality shes in a sound stage on the Warner Bros. lot and we see New York from the water in some rather poor green screen shots. Rachel and Joey are on board.]
Chandler: Daddy. All right look, heres the story. (Flashback to Chandler about to enter the steam room as he does the voice-over.) Well, we had just finished playing racquetball and we were gonna take a steam. I walk into the steam room and it was really steamy. (The flashback shows his glasses fog up and him trying to find his way around the steam filled room. He takes off his glasses.) So I take off my glasses and thats when in happened.
Ross: Well I had a great time! Umm, Chancy on the other hand
Monica: You gave my father a lap dance!
Chandler: Not that big a deal? There there was touching of things.
Phoebe: Come on, its not that big a deal!
Monica: I was trying to help out a squirrel.
Ross: Whoa-whoa, arent you a little over dressed?
Rachel: Oh, okay. Is that what you want to do? You wanna go over and give a little shout out to the old, hot chickas? Okay, lets do that Sailor Joe. Quick question though, (grabs some of the rigging) whats this called?
Rachel: Look Joey, Im sorry if-if you thought that was mean, but I gotta tell ya something. That was not mean. Okay, my father is mean. He used to yell at me all the time on the boat, I mean it was horrible. I was just being a good teacher.
Joey: Six and a half! You knocked that last one out of my hand! Remember?
Phoebe: Yeah, they thought I was a whore.
Phoebe: Oh, what was that for? Like a bake sale?
Monica: No, just a Friday night.
(They all take a bite.)
Ross: Lets give it a shot.
Rachel: Yeah, yeah, I was just about to take a break anyways, so
Ross: Yeah, ooh yeah, I think there is one from batch 17 left, uh (Grabs a cookie and takes a big bite out of it and doesnt like it.) Its batch 16! 16 people! Get out of the way! (Gets up and runs for the bathroom.)
Rachel: Its left sweetie, but thats okay sweetie, thats a tough one.
Rachel: (angrily) No! All right?! I did not see the bird! I did not see the fish! I did not see the piece of Styrofoam that was shaped like Mike Tyson! I did not, because I was trying to teach you how to sail a boat! Which obviously is an impossible thing to do!
Joey: Oh, yknow what? Since Im here, I think Im gonna have me a little beer on the port side. (Grabs and opens one.)
David: Uh, I-I-I was hoping to run into you here. I didnt know whether I should call or not, yknow I-I was only in town for a few days. And yknow, I didnt want to intrude on your life or-or anything like that, but I-I really wanted to see you andbut I didnt know if you wanted to see me.
Joey: Uh, wow, you just said a bunch of stuff I didnt know there.
Joey: Does a good teacher say, "Put down the beer pinhead!?"