words in movies
Rachel: Oh good. (She walks to the closed bathroom door, opens it, and finds a naked woman wrapped in a towel.) Ahhh! My God, sorry! (She closes the door and confronts Joey.)
Joey: YeahHey, dont worry, shes a terrific girl. And hey listen, could you do me a favor? When she comes out could you just mention that Im not looking for a serious relationship; thatd be great.
Joey: Just casually slip it in, yknow lay the groundwork. Tell her uh, Im a lonerNo! An outlaw! Tell her she doesnt want to get mixed up with the likes of me.
Rachel: Yknow what? Thats a lot to remember, cant I just tell her youre a pig?
Ross: Okay, okay take a guess.
(An old woman pushes a cart full of books past.)
Ross: Okay, okay, I was typing names into the library computer earlier, yknow-yknow for fun, and I typed mine in and guess what came up? My doctoral dissertation! Its here! Yeah, its right-its right down here! In the biggest library in the university! (They start heading that way, towards a secluded section behind the racks.)
Ross: (stopping quickly) Oh umm, theres also a book here by a woman named Wendy Bagina. (They both laugh, but stop when the hear moaning coming from the next aisle.) What is that?
(They go around the last row of bookshelves and find a couple doing what college coeds do in secluded corners of university libraries. For those of you who dont know what Im talking about, lets just say that clothing is undone. Ross gasps and the couple gets up and runs away.)
[Scene: Monicas Restaurant Kitchen, Monica is cooking as a waitress enters carrying a plate of food that has been sent back.]
(The waitress lets her in as Monica is about to throw a lobster into a pot of boiling water (Although, she hasnt taken off the rubber bands that hold the claws, so she cant be that good of a chef). Anyway, guess who the Colonel is by the following phrase.)
Monica: Well, she actually has a boyfriend yknow herself, named Clark. Uh, she also kinda invited herself to our wedding. Clark too.
Chandler: What do you think shes just gonna sit there quietly? You dont think shes gonna want to make a toast? You dont think shes gonna want to grab the microphone and sing Part-time Lover?!
Chandler: No! That was a lie! See how easy that was?
Rachel: Yeah, we ended up spending the day together and had such a great time!
Joey: My beers?! Look you guys, shes a very nice girl. Okay? We had a good time, but I justI dont see it going anywhere.
Rachel: Yeah, maybe if you gave this girl a chance it would go somewhere.
Ross: Let me ask you something, at your school was there a like uh a place on campus where students went to uh, fool around.
Joey: Now hold on a second, fifth floor against that back wall?
Rachel: Hi! Well, we were just about to take off and see a movie. Oh no!
Phoebe and Rachel: A birthday party.
Rachel: (does a retching sound) Wait a minute! Why dont you guys do something?!
Ross: Excuse me. Hi, Im a professor here. Do you know the Paleontology section, fifth floor, stack 437?
Ross: Hi, I was wondering if it is possible to increase security in the Paleontology section? See I-I wrote a book up there and instead of reading it people are-are-are well, rolling around in front of it.
Joey: Yeah that really calms me down. And! We have so much in common! She loves sandwiches, sports, although she is a Met fan, not much of an issue now but if were ever to have kids, well thats a
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are on their date with Janice and Clark, however Clark is a no show and Janice is crying the Mississippi River about it.]
Chandler: Well actually uh, there was something we wanted to tell you about the wedding. Um, its going to be a small ceremony. Uh, tiny! Were not even sure why were having it.
Erin: Look, hes a really great guy and I know that you really want this to work out, but I just dont see this having a future.
Erin: I really dont think he does. And yknow what? Maybe you guys could help clue him in. Yknow, tell him Im-Im not interested in a serious relationship or something.
Phoebe: Yeah, you mean like that youre kind of a loner.
Phoebe: Yeah, and maybe that youre a real (She says something in Italian, and it doesnt matter what she said. Its not important so I dont need everyone who speaks Italian telling me what she said.)
Phoebe: No, just a regular old flying dwarf.
[Scene: The librarys Paleontology section, Ross is patrolling as a couple walks up.]
Ross: Oh-oh, youre-youre fellow scholars. What exactly were you looking for, hmm? Perhaps, (Grabs a book from the shelf behind him) perhaps Dr. Chester Stocks musings on the Smiledon Californicus?
Ross: Ah Ah Get out of here! (The couple retreats. Ross starts looking through the previously mentioned book as a beautiful woman walks into the section.) Uh, meeting someone? Or-or are you just here to brush up on Marions views on evolution?
Ross: Im a professor here uh, Ross Geller.
[Time Lapse, Ross and the woman are now in a state of partial undress and are standing in front of the head librarian with two security guards watching them.]
Joey: Oh, it was great! I mean we walked all around the village. We went to this ice cream place, split a milkshake, 70/30 but still And guess what, Im thinking about taking her upstate to one of those bed and breakfasts.
Joey: No-no-no-no-no! Its a surprise, but its gonna be tricky thought because she said she was gonna be pretty busy at work for a while.
Rachel: Jo-Joey, look honey we-we need to talk okay? Umm, I kinda got the feeling from her today that uh, shes not lookin for a serious relationship.
Rachel: Well, she told me. She said shes kinda a loner.
Joey: No hey Rach, its cool okay? Yknow Im a loner too! (Heads for his room.) Right?
Rachel: Yeah and honey I promise next time that I will just say good-bye and tell em youre not looking for a relationship.
(Theres a knock on the door and Janice enters.)
Janice: Well umm, I thought I was going to go back to my apartment but then I just felt I couldnt really be alone tonight. (Joey walks into view of the open door behind Janice, sees her, gets a terrified look on his face, and flees in horror.) I was wondering if I could maybe stay here with you, just I really feel that I need to be with family.
Chandler: Arent you just a tinsy bit curious?
Chandler: Honestly? Our apartment is a hotbed for electromagnetic activity. Now Monica and I have been immunized, but sadly you have not.
Janice: Okay, Im going to need a comforter, but did you have a hypoallergenic one because otherwise I get very nasal. (Makes some weird sound) Do you have a cat? Cause its already happening. (Makes a nasal sound) Do you hear that? (She keeps making the nasal sound.)
Janice: Oh my Gawd, I-I understand. I-I am so sorry, Ill go. (Starts for the door.) Good-bye Monica (hugs her), I wish you a lifetime of happiness with him. Chandler, (hugs him) you call me when this goes in the pooper. (Hurries out.)
[Scene: The librarys Paleontology section, Ross is on patrol and stops a security guard through the stack of books.]
Ross: (to the guard) Dont sweat it, Ive got this section covered. Yeah, in fact Ive got this little baby (Turns on a mini-flashlight) to shine in peoples eye(The guard walks away)Okay, see you later.
Phoebe: (Thinks for a few moments) Uhm... Stockholm.
Phoebe: It's a normal Swedish name... Ikea...
Joey: No idea! But the guy I said it to dies in the next scene so I guess it means "you're gonna get eaten by a bear".
Phoebe: Yeah and I-I found you one too who is not a weirdo.
Joey: Well to tell you the truth, they uh, (Pause) they had a problem with the bag!
Chandler: (Slightly panicky) Yeah, but what if it's not? What if there is a reason why we can't have a baby?
Janice: Oh! Sid is still in his room. I don't allow porn at home so this is like a vacation for him. So did you do it? Did you make your deposit?
Monica: Im fine. (She goes into one of those half sneezing, half-coughing fits that you get with a bad cold or flu.)
Chandler: (stares at her intently, then yells) It was a "Wendy's!! "
Janice: What, you can do it in the parking lot of a Taco Bell, but you can't do it at a doctor's office?
Rachel: Yes you do, if you're going to make me feel guilty for getting a free massage!
Rachel: Wow, Ikea... what a rich culture. Uhm, you know what? I have a friend who is a masseuse.
Rachel: For like a half an hour! Man, you can lie about Sweden!
Joey: (pretending to be an announcer) And the winner is Joey Tribbiani! (He then gets excited and goes over to the counter to practice his acceptance speech using a bottle of maple syrup as the award.) Oh Wow! I honestly never expected this. I uh, I didnt prepare a speech. But umm, Id like to thank (Rachel enters quietly) my parents, whove always been there for me. Id also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, Rachel
Ross: (shaking head) Oh Joey, Joey! But still, I mean, it seems like you guys are having a great time together.
Ross: (perplexed for a moment) Wait a minute... when you guys walked into the Met, did you go to the right?
Rachel: (moves away again) I-I-I-Im just Im just a good kisser!
Ross: (slowly) Yeah. But you know what? I think you should give Joey a chance. I mean, he's a great guy, and sure he doesn't know that much about art but you know, you can always talk about that with someone else.
Ross: What, I mean, a little, but no, what, go on.
Chandler: (seriously) It means that we can keep trying, but there's a good chance this may never happen for us.
Chandler: It means that my guys won't get off their barcaloungers and you have a uterus that is prepared to kill the ones that do. (pause) It means...
Mike: I put that tube top on as a joke.
Joey: I dont know! Its not like its porn! This is a serious, legitimate movie. Yknow? And the nudity is really important to the story.
Phoebe: (through the door, with a Scottish accent) Are you ready for your Scottish massage? Put your face in the hole, lassy.
Monica: With good news? (very quickly and wringing hands) Of course it is not good news, you just said (deadpan) "Doctor Connelly just called". If it was good news you would have said (excitedly) "Doctor Connelly just called! " But so what is it? Is there a problem, uh? Is there a problem with me or with you?
Phoebe: Rachel Green? (angrily) Son of a bitch, she came back?
Charlie: (while Joey's giving her a massage) Oh! That feels sooo good!
Rachel: (speaking to herself and reading Cosmopolitan) Oh, lucky me! Coffee and a live sex show!
Phoebe: Oh... Mike's sister just invited me to a party tonight, he's gonna be there. And she was like "Oh, don't worry! I asked him. He's totally ok with seeing you!". So now I have to go so he'll think that I'm totally ok with seeing him!
Chandler: (looking at the picture of the female reproductive system) Wow! Fortunately she has a very pretty face!
Monica: Oh, I so can't believe this! My uterus is an inhospitable environment? I was trying so hard to be a good hostess!
Ross: Hey Pheebs, you know I'm i'm really glad you came to talk to me the other day and I hope I was a little helpful.
Chandler: Oh, I can't believe my sperm have low motility because, let me tell you, when I was growing up they sure seem to be in a hurry to get places!!
Doctor Connelly: Above all, even though your chances of conceiving through natural means aren't great, you never know! So, keep having sex on a regular basis.
Ross: Yeah, right! What was last time he met a submission deadline for an abstract (he and Charlie laugh, then Joey starts laughing too without any reason) Well, why are you laughing?
Joey: (to Charlie) Alright, have a good time. (they kiss)
Chandler: Is that a hint? Because we love you Doctor Connelly but we don't think we'd want you to be our child! (Dr. Connelly glares at him) Wow, talking about an inhospitable environment!
Ross: Professor Sherman, yeah. I've a meeting with him today.
Rachel: Oh... you're not gonna do a magic trick, are ya?
Charlie: He's a pretty tough guy to impress.
Joey: Just... seeing what it'd be like to be a paleontologist... it's fun, yeah!
Monica: Well then somebodys snoozing. Joey, not that this uh should affect you at all, but if you were to pick me, I was planning on wearing a sequined dress, cut down to here. (Points to her stomach just above her belly button.)
Ross: Wait a minute, you guys. Oh, I wanna ask you something. I-I I may get to speak at this paleontology convention and if I do, I'd love for you guys to come and hear me.
Chandler: Well... there's surrogacy, but Monica has dreamt her whole life of carrying a child, she has felt that watching a surrogate would be... too hard for her.
Chandler: Not as much fun as last time. Apparently you only get porn if you're giving a sperm sample.
Joey: Come on Ross, be a good guy. Step up and do it!
Chandler: I wish there was an easier way for us to have a child but I don't think there is one.
Phoebe: Ok. Oh good, I'm dating a Russian cab driver. (to the shop assistant). Seriously does anyone buy this? I smell like beets!
Shop assistant: (to a girl) Incentive For Men?
Rachel: You know that depends on what it is! I've done a lot of stuff.
Charlie: See, I told you I needed someone! Oh, you know, by the way, as a "thank you", I would really love to take you out.
Phoebe: (picks up a dress) Hey Rach, will you come with me to a dressing room?
Chandler: Hey! Look I brought a friend for dinner, this is Zack, from work!
Phoebe: Oh well, as long as it is under control, you know, you can't do anything about it, he's already dating her, and she is a nice person, that wouldn't be right.
Rachel: It's just physical and I have it totally under control! Ok? It's just, when I see them together, sometimes I just get a little jealous!
[Scene: Monica's apartment, Chandler walks in with a friend of his while Monica is putting fruit in a bowl.]
Rachel: I know, I know, so it is just not a big deal.
Chandler: You guys haven't actually met before, but, boy! You're both polite! (pause) Go to have a seat Zack, and I'll get you a beer.
Phoebe: Any chance Charlie has a deaf twin?
Chandler: So, how would you like to have a baby that's half yours and half his!
Chandler: No, I invited him to dinner so you could get a chance to get to know him! I mean, if we go through a sperm bank you never meet the guy, get to check him out.
Monica: I'm not going to be a part of this! You can't just bring some random guy at home and expect him to be our sperm donor!
Zack: Thanks! Do you have a coaster? I don't wanna make a ring.
Rachel: Oh, thank God I can't hear a word that you're saying!
Monica: Im fine-d. Im fine-d! Yknow, its a really hard word to say.
(A strange woman sticks her head out from a third changing cubicle to the far right)
Phoebe: Ooh! We have a problem.
Joey: Fine, I'll rent a car and drive...! Ross, you have to get that job!
Chandler: Oh! Thanks, I'm crazy about our place. Hey! speaking of crazy... do you have a history of mental illness in the family?
Zack: You guys have such a great place here.
Zack: You guys don't have people for dinner a lot, huh?
Zack: Ok. I heard a joke today. It's pretty funny...
Zack: (after a pause, very confused) No...
Zack: Ok listen, you guys have shown a lot of interest in me tonight and I'm flattered and... and quite frankly a little frightened. Can we just talk about something else?
Chandler: I noticed you were enjoying that Ravioli with a beautiful set of teeth. Did you have braces as a child?
Monica: Oh, friends first, drunk in London, you know the story. I've got a better question for you: Do you or any of your blood relatives have diabetes?
Rachel: (after a pause) Yeah.
Rachel: (pretends to be stunned) Oh! Wi... in the dres... in the dressing room!? Well, that's so weird! Phoebe and I were just trying on clothes in the dressing room. God it's just such a small world!
Charlie: You know, by the way. I heard you tell her not to do anything. Thanks for sticking up for me. You are such a nice person.
Charlie: It's just that... I don't understand it... I mean, Phoebe likes Joey and then she comes here to buy a dress to impress another guy...?
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey is sitting on the sofa, eating a cookie.]
(Phoebe walks in wearing a fancy, revealing dress, and stands before Joey)
Molly: There is a man behind your curtain. I have a mace in my purse.
Phoebe: Mike knows I'm coming, and if I don't show up he'll think it's because of him! And I don't want to lose face! That's a very serious thing in my culture.
(Joey gives Phoebe a thumbs up. Phoebe walks out)
Chandler: Yeah. I know it must be important to you when you start chattering like a monkey.
David: She's also a scientist, so she's very smart and pretty and... well, it's actually because of you, really, that we're together, I mean, I saw what you had with that Mike guy, and I just said "Boy, I want that".
David: Yeah, I know. Well... this is probably a stupid question, seeing that you look like that, but do you have some place that you need to be right now?
David: Do you wanna get a drink?
Charlie: There's a third guy?
Chandler: You sure you don't wanna stick around a little longer?
Chandler: Are you just tired now or are you always tired, 'cause that could be a sign of clinical depression.
Monica: Don't worry, after a while he'll tune it out.
Chandler: Wait, if we're lucky, and we're really really really quiet, we may be able to hear the sound of a condom breaking!
Chandler: Look, I just wanted to apologize for last night. I got the feeling we made you a little uncomfortable.
Ross: Ok, I gotta say. I mean, it means so much to me that you guys are coming all the way over there to hear me do my speech! UH! And I've a surprise, uh... I had to pull some strings but I was able to get everyone passes to the entire conference! That's right! (he gives them their passes) This babies will get you into all the paleontology lectures and seminars.
Ross: Oh, that's right! (to Emma) Daddy and uncle Joey are going on a trip today. We're going to a conference in Barbados, right?
Joey: Im a doctor Cliff, not a mathematician.
Phoebe: I think David would probably wanna hear a few lectures.
Ross: Oh, right, because he's a scientist!