words in movies
[Scene: Central Park, Ross is teaching Ben how to ride a bike. Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are they also.]
Phoebe: I never had a bike of my own.
Phoebe: Well, we didnt have a lot of money. But the girl across the street had the best bike! It was pink and it had rainbow colored tassels hanging off the handle grips, and-and-and a bell and this big, white wicker basket with those plastic daisies stuck on.
Phoebe: No! But she gave me the box that it came in. It had a picture of the bike on the front. (Theyre all speechless) So I would sit on it and my step-dad would drag me around the backyard.
Monica: Im gonna hang this basket (Points to the one sitting on the table) on the door and when the neighbors walk by they can all take a piece.
Joey: I do. Theres uh, lets see, Guy With a Mustache, Smokes-A-Lot Lady, Some Kids Ive Seen, and A Red-haired Guy Who Does Not Like To Be Called Rusty.
Chandler: Eh, somebodys in a good mood!
Rachel: Well, why shouldnt I be? I have great friends! I have a wonderful job!
Rachel: Come on, its not a big deal! We stayed up all night coming up with a plan so that us dating will not be a problem.
Rachel: (pauses as she thinks and exhales loudly) We We are not going to let it be a problem.
Rachel: Hi. Tag, I have a conference call today is that correct?
Rachel: Well, youve been here for two months now and your boss is required to hand in a performance evaluation. But yknow, there is one thing that I have yet to evaluate. (She turns around and sweeps the stuff off of her desk and hops up onto it.)
(She storms into his apartment to find him with a towel around his shoulders, a bowl on his head, and Phoebe with scissors in her hand.)
Joey: Uh well yeah, that was the plan, but by the time I got to it there was only a couple of pieces left!
Joey: Hey Mon, you might wanna make some more lasagna too, because something mightve happened to a huge chunk of it.
Ross: Mine stole my newspaper! Its like a crime wave!! (Monica runs to make more candy.) Pheebs, you uh, you got a second.
(He goes out into the hall and re-enters with a bike exactly like the one Phoebe described earlier.)
Phoebe: Not that way! But the bike brought you a lot closer!
Ross: Ah! (She hugs him.) Well uh-uh, t-take it downstairs, yknow give it a test ride.
Monica: (turning a light on) Who is that?!
Chandler: (laughs) 4:00 A.M.
Rachel: (worried) Okay please, youre kidding right?! I wrote that one as a joke for you!
Tag: A joke they would appreciate?
Rachel: Umm, I said I thought you were a good kisser, and uh, and that I like your tiney-tiny touchie.
Rachel: Well, it gets worse. When asked if you take initiative I wrote, "Yes, he was able to unhook my bra with minimal supervision," and under Problems with Performance I wrote, "Dear God, I hope not," and then uh, then I drew a little smiley face, and then a small pornographic sketch.
Ross: Wait a minute, she was walking the bike? Both times?
Ross: Pheebs you uh you do know how to ride a bike dont you?
Phoebe: Okay. (The gang is giggles then Phoebe gets the bike out of the rack, gets on, pushes off, rolls a few feet, and falls over.) See?
Joey: That sketch you mentioned? Might it have looked a little something like this? (He shows her what hes been drawing.)
(There is a knock on the door and Monica answers it. There is a woman standing there.)
Chandler: Is that why you became a chef? So that people would like you?
Phoebe: (hopping off the bike) Wait! This seat is really uncomfortable! Yeah, maybe before we start we should just get another one. Perhaps, like an airplane seator a beanbag chair!
Ross: Phoebe, you cant get out of this! Okay? You have to learn how to ride a bike!
Ross: Well let therewhat if a man comes along and puts a gun to your head and says, "You ride this bike or Ill sh Ill shoot you."
Phoebe: Okay, I would ring the bell to distract him and then I would knock the gun out of his hand with a Chinese throwing star.
Ross: Its a legitimate learning technique. (Looking around and seeing the woman behind him glaring at him.) Wow!
Ross: By the way, the week before your wedding you may not see a lot of me. (She glares at him and he quickly makes his way to Phoebes room.)
Phoebe: Well, I would love to but the bike got stolen and the police have no suspects. (Ross just happens to have his hand on a sheet that is covering something that suspiciously looks like a bike.)
Mr. Zelner: Hello Rachel, you uh, got a minute?
Mr. Zelner: Well, Id be forced to file a report. Id have to consult with the legal department, and your future at the company would be in jeopardy.
Mr. Zelner: You wrote that you have a cute touchie?
Tag: (pause) Yes. I have a weird sense of humor, and Im kinda strangely proud of my butt.
Mr. Zelner: Its kind of a risky joke Tag, and what is-what is this drawing I cant figure out what this is?
Mr. Zelner: Yeah, its not like I dont have a sense of humor, huh? Hell, I even enjoy a naughty limerick now and then. But theres a time and a place, huh?! Unless you uh, have a limerick right now? (They both nod no.) No? Okay, well uh, youve (Grabs the chocolates.) got my fax number. (Exits.)
Tag: Are you kidding me?! With a cute butt like this, Id find work.
Chandler: (asking a man leaning against the wall) What is going on?
Chandler: Get in here! (They head for the door and Chandler sees Smokes-A-Lot Lady standing next to the door and smoking, to her) Hey, and you can not smoke in here! (Takes the cigarette and takes a drag for himself.) (Exhaling in ecstasy) Merry Christmas.
Chandler: All right everybody! Just be quiet! Be quiet! Be quiet!! Pipe-pipe-pipe down! (They settle down) What is the matter with you people?! This woman was trying to do a nice thing for you. She was making candy so she could try to get to know all of you, and Ill bet that not one of you can tell me her name! Am I right?
Monica: Im fine now, but it was really scary there for a while. I mean, someone slipped a-a threatening note under the door.
Phoebe: I cant believe it! I did it! I rode a bike! I never thought Id be able to do that! Thank you Ross.
Joey: So that if we went out on a date, shed be there.
Susan: Look, I dont see why I should have to miss out on the coaching training just because Im a woman.
Teacher: Good. Now imagine your vagina is opening like a flower.
Chandler: A cool phone number, and a possible name for the kid.
Monica: Well, if you think about it, I am kind of like a Reverend. I mean, as a chef, I serve God, by feeing the hungry and poor. (looks very convinced about what she just said)
Fran: Look, youre cold, I have to pee, and... (indicating the sign) ..theres a cup of coffee on the window. How bad could it be?
Monica: I cant believe you. You still havent told that girl she doesnt have a job yet?
Ross: Both logic and math are taking a serious hit today.
(There is a loud knocking at the door through which Joey has just entered.)
(Joey lets himself in, carrying a large paper shopping bag.)
Joey: Phoebe, could you do me a favour? Could you try this on? I just wanna make sure it fits.
Monica: Okay, he's a senior in college.
Dr. Long: (To Joey) Uh, if you have any questions, heres some information on Braxton-Hicks. (Hands Joey a pamphlet.) Oh and by the way, you did the right thing by bringing her in. Youre gonna make a wonderful father.
[Scene: Lamaze class, Ross is again on the floor, cradled in Susans lap, but now Carol is cradled in his lap, and she has a pretend baby, on her lap. The teacher is showing her class a video, which is about to end.]
Teacher: Lights please? And thats having a baby. Next week is our final class.
Soothing male voice: ..a sound Mom and Dad never forget. For this after all, is the miracle of birth.
Ross: Im gonna be a father.
[Scene 13: Central Perk, the gang is gathered around Monica comforting her brother, who in a slight state of shock is cuddling a cushion for security.]
Joey: A meatball Sub? Thanks! (he got a meatball sandwich)
Mr. Douglas: I see. I guess you never really know whats goin on inside a persons head.
Ross: I always knew I was havin a baby, I just never realised the baby was having me.
Nina: Do you have a sec?
Chandler: Ah, well, maybe thats, ah, because youre getting a big raise.
Chandler: Oh, you dont know. (Presses a button.) Helen, could you make sure we put through the paperwork on Miss Bookbinders raise?
Nina: Oh my god! (Rushing over to give him a big hug) Youre amazing!
(Nina puts her hands on her hips, then gives Chandler a quizzical look.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachels, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Phoebe are sharing a bowl of popcorn, while Monica carefully reads the instruction manual for her television set.]
Monica: (gasps) We had a characturist!
Chandler: Pretty well. Except for the stapler thing. (He holds up a bandaged hand.) Little tip: if youre ever in a similar situation, never ever leave your hand... (he mimes Nina taking her revenge) ..on the desk.
Phoebe: Um, yeah. Look, I mean, Im not saying shes like evil or anything. She just, you know, shes always breaking my stuff. When I was eight, and I wouldnt let her have my Judy Jetson thermos, so she threw it under the bus. And then, oh, and then there was Randy Brown, who was like... Have you ever had a boyfriend who was like your best friend?
Rachel: Oh please, theyve been going out a week. They havent even slept together yet, I mean, thats not serious.
Rachel: (Tapping the clipboard) well, now, wait a second, who did I just put as my "In case of emergency" person?
Rachel: (Like a big baby) Um... unless, unless I use yours.
Monica: I have no idea, but X-rays alone could be a couple hundred dollars.
Nurse: You are an idiot. (She hands over a blank form).
Ross: I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.
Joey: Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.
Chandler: Hey, you're gonna be fine. You're one of the most caring, most responsible men in North America. You're gonna make a great dad.
Chandler: What are you crazy? That's a baby!
Ross: Anyway, suddenly I'm down field, and I realise that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right? Only I know there is no way I'm gonna get there in time, so I am running, and running, and that, that is when I woke up. See I, I am so not ready to be a father.
(Joey looks at his friends, thinks a bit more, then realises.)
Phoebe: (with a deep voice) Mr. Bing's office. (Listens) No I'm sorry, he's in a meeting right now.
Rachel: Aren't you a little cute to be a doctor?
Rachel: ..so, he said it was just a sprain, and that was it.
Chandler: I'm not in a meeting. I'm right... Whoops.
Ross: Her name is Celia. She's not a bug lady. She's curator of insects at the museum.
Joey: Check it out, Giants-Cowboys. (He has a pocket TV)
(There is a knock at the door. Someone turns the music off, then the whole party runs and hides, except for Monica and Rachel who answer their door. Ross stands in the doorway, holding a box, but everyone is too keyed up to notice that it's him.)
(The party falls flat. Chandler tries to think of a witticism, but even he can't help...)
Mr. Geller: I tell you one thing, I wouldn't mind having a piece of this sun-dried tomato business. Five years ago, if somebody had said to me, here's a tomato that looks like a prune, I'd say "get out of my office!"
Ross: Thanks, Dad, really, I ju... you know, I just, I just needed to know, um... when did you start to feel like a father?
Chandler: Man, if you tried something like that on my birthday, you'd be starin' at the business end of a hissy fit.
Phoebe: From the nursery rhyme. 'There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while...'
Chandler: Because that's who I am, okay? I'm sure a mature man like Richard could see a tape like that and it wouldn't bother him. Just'd be another saucy anecdote for him to share at his men's club over brandy and moustaches.
Rachel (as Monica): You know what, it's feeling a lot better, thank you, um... Well, listen, why don't you two sit down and, and we'll get you some glasses... okay... (They don't know what to do with their coats and Monica points to the living room) STAT!
Monica: A wuss? Excuse me for living in the real world, okay?
Rachel: Oh, Monica! Would you stop being such a wuss?
Monica: I said we are not going to do it, okay? Sometimes you can be such a, a big baby.
Monica: Sure, every time, you're such a princess...
Dr. Mitchell: ..you add a pinch of saffron, it makes all the difference.
Rachel: (as Monica) Thanks! I've been here about six years, and Rachel moved in a few months ago.
Rachel: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! It's like, it's like, all of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I'm not saying I want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy!
Rachel: (as Monica) And by the way, have I mentioned that back in high school, I was a cow?
Chandler: Now that I untangled you, how 'bout you doing a little something for me?
Monica: (as Rachel) Yeah... Yeah, I know it's pretty selfish, but haha, hey, that's me. (Indicating a dish on the table) Why don't you try the hummus?
Phoebe: Ooh! A Salami Buddy!
Rachel: Would you excuse me for a second?
(Meanwhile, Rachel has taken another call, from a nurse she'd hoped never to hear from again.)
Dr. Rosen: This is a great place. How long have you lived here?
Phoebe: Um you, you got a minute?
Phoebe: Um, oh, I got you a birthday present.
(Ursula picks up a fork and begins eating the meat, while Phoebe removes a present from her bag.)
(Ursula gets up to fetch a box from her bag by the counter.)
(A waiter comes over for the stolen chicken. Ursula turns to him.)
Ursula: Excuse me. Doesn't this come with a side salad?
Phoebe: No. No food with a face.
Ross: You have to tell her! You have to tell her! It's your moral obligation, as a friend, as a woman, I think it's a feminist issue! Guys? Guys? (waiting for guys to chime in)
[Scene: Carol and Susan's, there's a knock on the door and Carol answers it to Ross.]
(Monica smiles a sweet apology of regret, until she's distracted by Marcel as he clambers all over her nice furniture.)
Rachel: (as Monica) Yeah, and and, I'm just gonna pay for this with a check.
Ross: Do you have a point?
Phoebe: Yeah, well hed prefer water colors, but y'know, he has easy access to a lot of charcoal.
Chandler: Okay, worst case scenario. Say you never feel like a father.
Ross: You've got to help me my monkey swallowed a 'K'!
Ross: I had a 'K'. Where's where's my 'K'?
RACH: [obviously drunk] I mean, it's a cat, y'know, it's a cat. Why can't they get one of those bugs, y'know, one of those fruitflies, those things that live for like a day or something? [belligerently] What're they called, what're they called, what're they called?
Dr. Mitchell: I'll take a look at him.
Ross: It's just a fur ball.
Phoebe: Oh, I love you Hexadrin! (She kisses the box.) Oh look! It comes with a story! (She pulls out the instructions and side affects paper.)
Chandler: (to Phoebe) You know what's weird. Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always put a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about?
Rachel: (as Monica) Aahh, I'm a... chef at a restaurant uptown.
Ross: Yes, I do have a laundry room in my building, um, but there's a.... rat problem. Apparently they're attracted to the dryer sheets, and they're goin' in fine, but they're comin' out all.... fluffy. Anyway, say, sevenish?
[Scene: The Hospital, Marcel lies on the operating table while recovering from the anaesthetic, tucked up under a sheet like an infant in a huge bed. Ross sits beside him, as a smiling Chandler, Monica and Rachel look on.]
Chandler: (Tapping Ross on his shoulder) So, you feel like a dad yet?
(The others rush to the window for a look.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Joey is there. Rachel is looking out of the window and Ross is handing out some Chinese takeout. There's a small SAP in the corner of the screen.]
Rachel: Hey, look, you guys, I'm going for anything here, OK? I cannot be a waitress anymore, I mean it. I'm sick of the lousy tips, I'm sick of being called 'Excuse me...'
Monica: Do you really want a job with Popular Mechanics?
Joey: Oh no, I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few.
[Scene: Petes office, he is participating in a conference call with three other employees, each of whom are on a different TV screen that he controls with a remote.]