words in movies
[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is getting a cup of coffee as Joey and Phoebe enter and sit down.]
Joey: You know what I want? I want a lot of things! I want to be with the woman I love on Valentines Day! And I want her to love me back! And I want just one moment of relief from the gut-wrenching pain of knowing that thats never going to happen!
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers. Phoebe and Ross are sitting in the living room talking.]
Phoebe: So, how does Mona feel about you and Rachel living together?
Ross: All right. (reading the label) Candy and Cookie?
[Scene: Joey and wait just Joeys. Joey is sitting at the counter eating a pizza.]
Phoebe: (knocking and entering) Hey. Look, I know youve been really depressed lately, so I brought someone over to cheer you up. Right outside this door is a real, live, furry playmate.
(Phoebe goes into the hall and brings a dog inside!)
Phoebe: This is the happiest dog in the world. I borrowed him from my friend Wendy. Now, you can only keep him until he cheers you up. And he will cheer you up!
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers. Chandler enters with a bouquet of roses.]
Monica: (from her bedroom) Okay! Ill be right out. Im slipping into something a little less comfortable, and a little more slutty.
Chandler: (picking up a video from the table) Candy and Cookie. Candy and Cookie? Monica got me porn?! Girl-on-girl porn?! She really must love me!! (Chandler runs over to the TV, puts the tape in, and sits down to enjoy some "porn")
(The woman groans, moans, grunts, and screams. Chandlers eyes get huge!)
Joey: Get the ball, ready? Get the ball, get the ball! (Joey pretends to throw it, but really doesnt, and the dog goes running off.) Well, youre cute, but youre not too smart!
Rachel: I accidentally packed these with my stuff. (looks at the dog and gasps) Who is this?
Rachel: (talking with a higher voice, and puckered lips kind of like you do to a baby or...well a puppy its hard to explain. Just use your imagination!) Oh, well, you are so cute! I wish I could play with you more, but Ive got to go to work! I hope I stop talking like this before my marketing meeting, yes I do. Yes I do. (still talking like that) Bye-bye, Joey. Oh, I seriously cant stop it. (exits)
Joey: (to the dog) Cmere. Hey. Cmere. Thats Rachel. Shes the one who used to live here. Might as well be honest with youwe love her. But we cant have her. I really miss her. Well, hey, you understand, right? Youre a guy. (thinks about it and picks up the dog and looks) Well, you used to be.
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers. Chandler is sitting on the couch staring at the tape on the coffee table with his eyes huge and his mouth wide open.]
(Chandler glances up at Monica with his mouth still wide open and his eyes still huge)
Chandler: Oh, beautiful? Really? Beautiful? You think this is beautiful? (picks up the remote and presses a button, and he immediately makes a face that just looks like hes going to throw up!)
Mona: Huh, could you imagine. I go away for a few days, and come back, and my boyfriend is living with some woman he got pregnant! (Mona laughs yes again!)
(Ross fake laughs, obviously not finding this funny, and hes starting to panic, so he shoves the whole saltwater taffy hes eating in his mouth)
Ross: (with his mouth full) Just a second! (he fake laughs, but turns his head and starts to break down)
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.]
Ross: Oh, no, no, no, I will! I just want to butter her up, first! You know, Im going to take her to an amazing Valentines dinner. Do all this romantic stuff, and then, just when she thinks Im the best boyfriend in the world, then Im going to tell her that my pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with me.
[Scene: Joeys. Joey is laying on his recliner, depressed, and the dog is laying on the footrest.]
Joey: So, between her and me being friends, and her history with Ross, it just isnt going to happen. It would be like you falling in love with a cat.
Phoebe: Oh Joey, you bummed him out! This was the happiest dog in the world, and he spends half a day with you, and look at him!
Joey: No, no, no, no! Hes fine! Look, look, look! (picks up the ball) Heres your ball! Get your ball! Get your ball! (he throws the ball and it bounces right next to the dog) Get your ball! My God, what have I done to you, huh? I broke the dog! Pheebs, I broke the dog!
[Scene: Ross and Rachels I guess I have to call it that now. Rachel is reading on the couch as Ross enters.]
Rachel: Oh, Ive got big Valentines plans! Ive got my Chinese food on the way, and the rest of your saltwater taffy!
Ross: No, no. Shes way to emotional. And by emotional I mean crazy.
Rachel: You know what Im going to do? Im going to get in my sweats, and eat this in bed! (exits)
Ross: And you thought she was going to be in our way! So, why dont you, uh, open the champagne, and Ill be right back. Ive got a surprise for you.
Mona: No, no. Listen, Ross is too nice to say anything, but this is his apartment, and, and, we gotta have some boundaries, so why dont you go back to your place and give us some privacy?
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch still staring at the screen.]
Monica: Okay, well, we have to get past this! Why dont we get rid of the tape and pretend it never existed?
(Chandler takes the tape and sticks it under the chair cushion)
(Chandler crawls over to Monica and they move in to kiss, but they cant do it and back up. They move in to kiss again, and kiss very awkwardly for a second, until someone knocks on the door.)
(Monica and Chandler both look at each other and run over to the window to watch the action in Ross apartment)
Chandler: Oh, and we should warn you, before you watch it: dont watch it.
Chandler: (with his arm all the way under the cushion, moving it around) This reminds me of a very specific part of the tape. (Chandler puts the tape in, and they all sit down) Okay, here we go.
(Monica and Rachel both cover their eyes)
Monica: Oh, look at those little fingers and toes!
Chandler: And look how happy the mom is now!
Ross: Well, with everything thats been going on lately, I havent exactly been the perfect boyfriend. You know, I, uh, I didnt tell her I got Rachel pregnant. I gave her a key to my apartment, and then had the locks changed! And then I lied to her about Rachel moving in with me. In a way, I actually judge her for not breaking up with me sooner, you know?
(Two girls sitting at a table next to them look up in disgust, and Ross and Joey move away)
Joey: Well, its complicated. Shes with this other guy. For a long time. Someone from work, too. And I could never do that to the guy, because were really good friends.
Ross: Anyway seriously, uh just just talk to the guy, okay? And tell me how it goes. (walks towards the door until )
[Scene: Ross and Rachels. Rachel is standing in front of the TV holding a video.]
Rachel: (thinking) Youre going to have a baby, and you need to be prepared. Now, youre going to make yourself watch the whole thing. Just do it! (Rachel puts the tape in the VCR)
[Scene: Dr. Longs Office, Ross and Rachel are waiting for the doctor. Ross is drumming his fingers on the bed.]
Ross: Well uh, yknow what? Even if she doesnt know anything, I do! I have a son. And his mother and I didnt live together, and whenever he was with me I took care of him all the time, by myself.
Rachel: What?! You mean theyre not coming to a social event where theres no men and theres no booze?! Thats shocking! I dont care, as long as my moms here.
Joey: (To Chandler) Okay, this is it. Its my big fight scene coming up. (He looks over and Chandler and notices that hes asleep.)
Chandler: Not to shabby, I got this all off myself using my wifes tools. (He takes the door off the frame and we finally get to see whats behind the green door! It is stacked, floor to ceiling, with junk.) Oh my God!
Dr. Long: taking a long walk, and then theres the one thats proved most effective: sex.
(Rachel turns and looks at Ross.)
[Scene: Joeys Premiere, the movie is ending and it takes the applause to wake up Chandler.]
Rachel: Thank you. (He leaves and she proceeds to plant the folder in his bottom drawer. She then picks up the phone and holds it to her breasts.) Hello? (Hangs up the phone.) I still dont get it.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Rachel are there as Phoebe and Monica enter.]
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is there as Joey enters.]
(Rachel turns her head to Ross and Phoebe and mouths, "No way.")
Monica: Okay fine! I keep betting Phoebe that youre gonna have the baby and I dont want to lose again!
Joey: Okay, so thats another five hundred. Five hundred and five hundred, thats (Pauses to figure it out.)
Phoebe: Yeah, right! See, he gave up something, but then he got those magic beans. And then he woke up, and there was this, this big plant outside his window, full of possibilities and stuff.. And he lived in a village, and you live in the Village..
Bitter lady: (now yelling) Well, you're not gonna get one! Because in life there are no intermissions, people. Chapter 7: Divorce is a 4 letter word. (Now standing right in front of Chandler and bending down almost to his level as if speaking to him, yelling even louder) How could he leave me?!?!
The A.D: Yeah, we loves em. Ive never seen him with(He gets a whiff of Joey and starts smelling around.)
Ross: Okay here, have one of these peppers. Oh ha Oh God! So so hot! (Rubs his eyes.) Oh my(Laughs.) By the way, you dont want to touch the pepper and then touch your eye.
Rachel: Oh, I know it. Youre right. Thats not sexy. Oh Oh! (Drops a fork on the floor.) Whoops! Oh, I seem to have dropped my fork. Let me just bed over and get it. (Tries too, but cant quite seem to make it.) Oh God!
(They hug and then kiss one more time.)
(The phone rings and Monica answers it.)
[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, Courtney is dancing in the fat suit and after shaking her groove thing sits down in exhaustion.]
(Phoebe and Monica walk in from getting some coffee.)
Rachel: Ross, you stay here and talk, Im gonna go have a baby.
Chandler: Man, if only youd gotten here sooner. (Ross turns and glares at him.)
Rachel: Because (laughs), because, I just heard it. I heard it, and it's ridiculous! I mean, you're married. You're-you're married and it's just ridiculous, and it's like, it's like when said it, I sort of like, I floated up out of my body, y'know? And, and-and then I heard myself say it and then the floating Rachel (laughs) was like, "You are such an idiot!"
Nurse: Yes, I see that here. Unfortunately we cant guarantee a private room and currently theyre all unavailable.
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Rachel is in bed, Ross is fooling around, and Dr. Long is checking on Rachel.]
Dr. Long: Well youre only two centimeters dilated and we need to get to ten. Itll be a while.
Rachel: We cant find Chandler (Phoebe sticks her head and motions that they found Chandler)s vest. We cant find Chandlers vest.
Ross: Yeah, guess so. Whew! Check these out! (Hes looking at the stirrups on the other bed in the room and Rachel groans. Ross then hops into the bed and puts his legs into the stirrups.) Never done this before.
Phoebe: All right, all right, so up until 92-93 he was very trusting, then 94 hit, Carol left him and bamn! Paranoid city!
Monica and Phoebe: No-wait-no-no!!!!!!!
Marc: Hey! Smile! (Points his camera at Ross and Rachel.)
Julie: Yeah, we are going to share every moment of this with you. And I think were gonna have some fun.
Chandler: Okay. Ive been thinking about it too, and I, I think were ready.
Joey: (voice all high and weird) What?! Are you crazy?!
(Joey says nothing, but enters the room and kisses her. They are kissing passionately only to stop for a brief "oh" from Rachel. They continue their passionate kiss and Joey closes the door with his foot and it shuts in the camera's "face". And that's the end of the ninth season.)
[Scene: The Hallway, Ross comes out and hugs Mrs. Geller.]
Phoebe: Ooh. Oh. It looks like, like a tiny little person drowning in your cereal. (Ross gives her this look, like 'Yeah, doesn't it', and gets up to dump it down the drain.)
Ross: Gimmie! (Takes the ring and puts it in his coat pocket as Rachel enters the hallway.)
Colleen: Everything is broken down into categories, and then cross-referenced, and then colour-coded to correspond with the forms in the back.
ROSS: I, I don't know, it's got all this stuff about wind and trees and there's some kind of sacred pool in it. I mean, I don't really get it but she's, she's pretty upset about it.
Ross: she came and dragged me out of the labor room to ask me why Im not with Rachel.
Chandler: No, no, no, guys. She's right. We should get to work. I'll take stuff out of the closet, Joey you pack 'em and Ross you re-pack whatever Joey packs.
Phoebe: Right. And with who again? (Ross exits.)
Mrs. Green: Now dont worry! Everythings gonna be okay. (Hugs Rachel while she is standing and Rachel is sitting, seeing this Monica decides to join in on the hugging by hugging Mrs. Green from behind her back.)
Rachel: Well they have uh, some unusual pet names for each other. Including umm, evil bitch and uh, sick bastard. Oh God oh! Contraction!
Ross: No-no, Im Im sure no one was looking. Just want some privacy. (He closes the screen and stares wide-eyed at Rachel.)
Rachel: What?! She just called and said that she was gonna be working late! She keeps lying to me! That's it! Y'know what? I'm just gonna go over there and confront them right now!
(Ross shrugs his shoulders to Rachel and Sick Bastard closes the screen all the way.)
Monica: And its so clean!!
Phoebe: Because, I'm just, I'm incredibly anal and an unbelievable control freak.
Joey: Nope-op! I insist! (He hugs Chandler again and whispers to him.) You get the wine right?
Man: Well umm, if you have sometime yknow and maybe you might want to visit someone else
Amy turns to Ross and Rachel: Why does she keep making that noise?
[Scene: Another Waiting Room, Phoebe and Joey are trying to find out where the guy with the broken leg is.]
PHOEBE: Bye you. [Ryan's cab drives off. As Phoebe is going back in, she sees the Central Perk sign in the window and laughs.]
Phoebe: (coming back for Joey) No! (Grabs Joey and drags him away.)
Monica: Listen uh, I-Ive been doing some thinking, and I dont know whether its because were here or Rachels giving birth but umm, I think we should try to have a baby.
Joey: And what is his name?
(He hops onto the bed and they start making out.)
[Scene: An Empty Hospital Room, Chandler and Monica enter.]
Phoebe: Yeah! How would you like it if I sent you to Lee Majors house and told you that he liked you, and you went down there and you found out that he didnt like you? How would you feel?
Phoebe: No not you, Dr. Drake Remoray. You can ask him questions and see whats he like. People tell doctors everything.
Monica: Okay. Lets hurryOh wait! Do we have a condom? (He looks at her.) Oh right! (Laughs and they resume making out when a nurse catches them in the act.)
Rachel: Honey, I don't know how to tell you this, but um, if something were to happen to Ross or to myself <Ross and Rachel knock on wood> um you wouldn't get the baby.
(Another woman with a nurse and doctor enter, the woman is screaming.)
Dr. Long: We are moving along, just slowly. (Rachel lies back and sighs.) Dont worry, youre doing great. Ill be back soon. (Exits.)
Joey: Okay. And uh, are you married.
Doctor: And here it is! (The baby cries.)
Joey: Excellent! Excellent! And uh, finally, are you into any weird stuff yknow, sexually?
Joey: Hmm. Do you sleep with women and never call them again?
Joey: Oh really? So, 33 and still single, would you say you have commitment issues?
Joey: Well, I'm sorry if I'm not a middle-aged black woman! (Starts for his room.) And I'm also sorry if sometimes I go to the wrong audition! Okay, look, if I have to pretend I don't know about you two, then you two are gonna have to pretend there's nothing to know about.
(Ross and Rachel are, needless to say, stunned at the arrival of Janice.)
Ross: And yet somehow its true!
Ross: (To Rachel) Squeeze your legs together and cover the babys ears!
Chandler: But you did like us. And you should. My wife's an incredible woman. She's loving and devoted and caring. And don't tell her I said this but the woman's always right... I love my wife more than anything in this world. And I... It kills me that I can't give her a baby... I really want a kid. And when that day finally comes, I'll learn how to be a good dad. But my wife... she's already there. She's a mother... without a baby... Please?
Joey: He seemed like a stand up guy. Oh, and hes not into anything weird sexually.
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Chandler and Monica are entering to see if they in fact did hear Janice.]
Chandler: If its not, then theres two of them. And that would mean its the end of the world!
(Suddenly they hear Janice laughing, and it ruins the moment.)
Chandler: Weirdest thing. Did I hear(A nurse opens the privacy screen and Chandler sees Janice)Mother of God its true!
Chandler: Alright. Once I got on the subway, right, and it was at night, and I rode it all the way to Brooklyn... just for the hell of it.
Phoebe: Oh, Ill get it. (She gets up and grabs a spoon.)
Rachel: Ooh, I miss dating. Gettin all dressed up and going to a fancy restaurant. Im not gonna be able to do that for so long, and its so much fun! I mean not that sitting at home worrying about giving birth to a sixteen pound baby is not fun.
Rachel: Oh thats five Ross. Five women have had five babies! And I have had no babies! Why doesnt she want to come out?
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Janice is being moved to the delivery room and is screaming in pain.]
Pete: Y'know I have a torn rotator cuff, a hairline fracture in my right forearm, and a severely bruised Adams Apple, but that really hurt.
Rachel: Doctor you gotta do something! I think you gotta give me drugs or you gotta light a fire up in there and just smoke it out.
Amy: I don't believe this, hold on a second. You guys die and I don't get your baby?
Cliff: And then you tried to make me think that I was crazy.
Rachel: Yeah, yeah sure! Yeah! (mouths "Good luck" to Joey and gets up from her seat)
Joey: Hey and look he brought flowers. Thanks Ross, but Im really more of a candy guy. (Laughs.)
Phoebe: Umm, look we dont, we dont really know each other so it would be really easy to just forget about this, but there seems to be something between us. And I dont know about you but that doesnt happen to me a lot.
Joey: I mean seriously, shes like the perfect woman. I mean I know she turned me down, but if she hadnt and wanted to be with me, I would take her in my arms and (Realizes everyone is staring.) I havent bummed you guys out like this in a while have I?
Ross: You have no idea how much this hurts. (All of the women in the room turn and glare at him.) Keep going! Keep going!
Joey: Hi! Im Dr. Drake Remoray and I have a few routine questions I need to ask you.
(Ross and Rachel look into each others eyes and kiss.)