words in movies
[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is getting a cup of coffee as Joey and Phoebe enter and sit down.]
Joey: You know what I want? I want a lot of things! I want to be with the woman I love on Valentines Day! And I want her to love me back! And I want just one moment of relief from the gut-wrenching pain of knowing that thats never going to happen!
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers. Phoebe and Ross are sitting in the living room talking.]
Phoebe: So, how does Mona feel about you and Rachel living together?
Ross: All right. (reading the label) Candy and Cookie?
[Scene: Joey and wait just Joeys. Joey is sitting at the counter eating a pizza.]
Phoebe: (knocking and entering) Hey. Look, I know youve been really depressed lately, so I brought someone over to cheer you up. Right outside this door is a real, live, furry playmate.
(Phoebe goes into the hall and brings a dog inside!)
Phoebe: This is the happiest dog in the world. I borrowed him from my friend Wendy. Now, you can only keep him until he cheers you up. And he will cheer you up!
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers. Chandler enters with a bouquet of roses.]
Monica: (from her bedroom) Okay! Ill be right out. Im slipping into something a little less comfortable, and a little more slutty.
Chandler: (picking up a video from the table) Candy and Cookie. Candy and Cookie? Monica got me porn?! Girl-on-girl porn?! She really must love me!! (Chandler runs over to the TV, puts the tape in, and sits down to enjoy some "porn")
(The woman groans, moans, grunts, and screams. Chandlers eyes get huge!)
Joey: Get the ball, ready? Get the ball, get the ball! (Joey pretends to throw it, but really doesnt, and the dog goes running off.) Well, youre cute, but youre not too smart!
Rachel: I accidentally packed these with my stuff. (looks at the dog and gasps) Who is this?
Rachel: (talking with a higher voice, and puckered lips kind of like you do to a baby or...well a puppy its hard to explain. Just use your imagination!) Oh, well, you are so cute! I wish I could play with you more, but Ive got to go to work! I hope I stop talking like this before my marketing meeting, yes I do. Yes I do. (still talking like that) Bye-bye, Joey. Oh, I seriously cant stop it. (exits)
Joey: (to the dog) Cmere. Hey. Cmere. Thats Rachel. Shes the one who used to live here. Might as well be honest with youwe love her. But we cant have her. I really miss her. Well, hey, you understand, right? Youre a guy. (thinks about it and picks up the dog and looks) Well, you used to be.
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers. Chandler is sitting on the couch staring at the tape on the coffee table with his eyes huge and his mouth wide open.]
(Chandler glances up at Monica with his mouth still wide open and his eyes still huge)
Chandler: Oh, beautiful? Really? Beautiful? You think this is beautiful? (picks up the remote and presses a button, and he immediately makes a face that just looks like hes going to throw up!)
Mona: Huh, could you imagine. I go away for a few days, and come back, and my boyfriend is living with some woman he got pregnant! (Mona laughs yes again!)
(Ross fake laughs, obviously not finding this funny, and hes starting to panic, so he shoves the whole saltwater taffy hes eating in his mouth)
Ross: (with his mouth full) Just a second! (he fake laughs, but turns his head and starts to break down)
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.]
Ross: Oh, no, no, no, I will! I just want to butter her up, first! You know, Im going to take her to an amazing Valentines dinner. Do all this romantic stuff, and then, just when she thinks Im the best boyfriend in the world, then Im going to tell her that my pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with me.
[Scene: Joeys. Joey is laying on his recliner, depressed, and the dog is laying on the footrest.]
Joey: So, between her and me being friends, and her history with Ross, it just isnt going to happen. It would be like you falling in love with a cat.
Phoebe: Oh Joey, you bummed him out! This was the happiest dog in the world, and he spends half a day with you, and look at him!
Joey: No, no, no, no! Hes fine! Look, look, look! (picks up the ball) Heres your ball! Get your ball! Get your ball! (he throws the ball and it bounces right next to the dog) Get your ball! My God, what have I done to you, huh? I broke the dog! Pheebs, I broke the dog!
[Scene: Ross and Rachels I guess I have to call it that now. Rachel is reading on the couch as Ross enters.]
Rachel: Oh, Ive got big Valentines plans! Ive got my Chinese food on the way, and the rest of your saltwater taffy!
Ross: No, no. Shes way to emotional. And by emotional I mean crazy.
Rachel: You know what Im going to do? Im going to get in my sweats, and eat this in bed! (exits)
Ross: And you thought she was going to be in our way! So, why dont you, uh, open the champagne, and Ill be right back. Ive got a surprise for you.
Mona: No, no. Listen, Ross is too nice to say anything, but this is his apartment, and, and, we gotta have some boundaries, so why dont you go back to your place and give us some privacy?
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch still staring at the screen.]
Monica: Okay, well, we have to get past this! Why dont we get rid of the tape and pretend it never existed?
(Chandler takes the tape and sticks it under the chair cushion)
(Chandler crawls over to Monica and they move in to kiss, but they cant do it and back up. They move in to kiss again, and kiss very awkwardly for a second, until someone knocks on the door.)
(Monica and Chandler both look at each other and run over to the window to watch the action in Ross apartment)
Chandler: Oh, and we should warn you, before you watch it: dont watch it.
Chandler: (with his arm all the way under the cushion, moving it around) This reminds me of a very specific part of the tape. (Chandler puts the tape in, and they all sit down) Okay, here we go.
(Monica and Rachel both cover their eyes)
Monica: Oh, look at those little fingers and toes!
Chandler: And look how happy the mom is now!
Ross: Well, with everything thats been going on lately, I havent exactly been the perfect boyfriend. You know, I, uh, I didnt tell her I got Rachel pregnant. I gave her a key to my apartment, and then had the locks changed! And then I lied to her about Rachel moving in with me. In a way, I actually judge her for not breaking up with me sooner, you know?
(Two girls sitting at a table next to them look up in disgust, and Ross and Joey move away)
Joey: Well, its complicated. Shes with this other guy. For a long time. Someone from work, too. And I could never do that to the guy, because were really good friends.
Ross: Anyway seriously, uh just just talk to the guy, okay? And tell me how it goes. (walks towards the door until )
[Scene: Ross and Rachels. Rachel is standing in front of the TV holding a video.]
Rachel: (thinking) Youre going to have a baby, and you need to be prepared. Now, youre going to make yourself watch the whole thing. Just do it! (Rachel puts the tape in the VCR)
Monica: Then youd be going back and forth all the time, I mean it doesnt make any sense.
(He walks dejectedly into his apartment to find it lit with about a thousand candles and Monica standing in the living room.)
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe are there reading. Rachel is sitting on the couch flanked by Ross and Monica. She suddenly stops reading and starts blinking her left eye as if it's bothering her. The problem is that Joey is on her left and thinks she's winking at him and winks back. Ross is watching this and isn't quite sure of what to make of it.]
Rachel: Look, yknow I know my lifes going pretty well, but I look around and I just see so many people whove accomplished so many other goals by the time theyre thirty.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are on the couch as Joey and Ross enter.]
(He turns to look at Joey who smiles slyly and closes the door leaving them alone.)
Monica: Come in! Come in! (Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe burst through the door.) Were engaged!!!
(The crowd goes wild as he puts the ring on her finger. They hug and kiss this time as an engaged couple.)
(Everyone screams and has a group hug.)
Ross: Hmm -you know, actually this'll work out well. Cause when you have to move back in with Joey, Joey's hot new roommate can come and live with me.
(Joey leaves and Monica comes up for air.)
(Joey gives him a thumbs up and heads for the chicken.)
(They both grab him and stop him.)
Chandler: Oh, nononowaitwaitwaitnono! Uh... we may not know anything about radiators per se, but we do have a certain amount of expertise in the heating and cooling... mileu.
(Ross starts jumping and screaming incoherently and hops over and joins in on the group hug.)
Rachel: Yes, I know! And Joey knows! But Ross doesn't know so you have to stop screaming!!
Phoebe: CHANDLER AND MONICA!!!!
Phoebe and Rachel: Ohhh!!!
Rachel: (trying to divert his attention from the window by jumping up and down) HI!! Hi!
[Cut to Phoebe in Rosss new apartment looking at Monica and Chandler and what theyre about to do in The One Where Everybody Finds Out.]
Phoebe: (screaming) Ahhh!! Chandler and Monica!! Chandler and Monica!!
Phoebe: Okay, so now they know that you know and they don't know that Rachel knows?
[Cut to later in that episode. Rachel and Phoebe are going to a movie from Monica and Chandlers, and as Phoebe walks by Chandler she pinches him on the butt and exits.]
[Cut to later in that episode in Central Perk, a meeting with Phoebe, Rachel, and Joey where they discuss Chandler and Monica.]
Rachel: I have so got it. Theres gonna be rumours about this, theres no way to stop it. Sophie knows, Monica and Phoebe know.
Phoebe: Or, we could not tell them we know and have a little fun of our own
Joey: Dude! Hernia operations cost like, a lot probably. Besides its getting darker and more painful, that means its healing.
[Cut to later in that episode. Monica and Chandler are confronting Joey in his apartment about Phoebes knowledge.]
[Cut to later in that episode. Phoebe is telling Rachel in Monica and Chandlers that Chandler wants to make a date with Phoebe.]
Joey: And Rachel. I would've told you but they made me promise not to tell!
Chandler: (to Richards date) And uh, you dont have a mustache which is good. (She just smiles.) Im Chandler; I make jokes when Im uncomfortable.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, Chandler is turning on the light to awaken a now sleeping Monica.]
Joey: Uhhh, Phoebe and Joey.
[Cut to later in that episode. Chandler is in his bathroom with Monica, and hes panicking on how far Phoebe is pushing him.]
Rachel: Joey look, just look at it this way, the sooner Phoebe breaks Chandler the sooner this is all over and out in the open.
Monica: No Phoebe, those are like the side affects and stuff.
Monica: You go back out there and you seduce her till she cracks!
Phoebe: Umm, not without you, lover. (She slowly walks over to him and is showcasing her bra.) So, this is my bra.
[Cut back to the living room. Chandler slowly exits the bathroom and gets pushed from behind by Monica and sees Phoebe closing the apartment door.]
(Rachel spins the bottle and it lands on .wait for it .Joshua. (You thought I was going to say Ross, didnt you?) Rachel squeals in delight and starts a slow sexy crawl over to Joshua, making sure he and everyone else watching gets a good look at her cleavage.)
Phoebe: And why not?!
(Monica comes out of the bathroom like a bolt, and Rachel and Joey both enter.)
Chandler: Yes, and we'd appreciate it if no one told him yet.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Rachel, Joey and Ross are talking.]
[Cut to later in that episode. Ross is showing his boss his new place and notices something in the window.]
Chandler: Love her! That's right, I LOVE HER!!! I love her!! (They walk together and hug.) I love you, Monica.
Phoebe: How could it not be? I mean pretty soon theyre gonna be having kids, and then theyre just gonna be hanging out with other couples who have kids. And then maybe theyre gonna have to leave the city to be near a Volvo dealership.
[Cut back to Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are entering.]
Monica: Oh, that's Nana, right there in the middle. (Reads the back) 'Me and the gang at Java Joe's'.
Monica: Yeah, I dont hear Chandlers and he doesnt hear mine.
(They spilt into their sexes and the girls read Monicas and the guys read Chandlers. The girls gasp and groan and the guys laugh hysterically.
Ross: Looks like a fun gang. (They all look at each other and smile)
Rachel: Well, we were just talkin about you guys gettin married and how great it is.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Ross and Joey are reading Chandlers new vows.]
Chandler: I stole Monicas and changed the name.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are sitting around the kitchen table as Ross enters.]
Monica: Yeah, well hes my brother! And plus he drives so slow he could never hurt it.
Rachel: Wait a minute! (To Monica) You let Ross drive the Porsche and when I ask you, you say youre the only one whos allowed to drive it.
Joey: I dont know. Just uh, just tell em it was a mix-up with the invitations, orNo-no-no! Blame it on the post office. They hate the post office. And the Irish! But I dont think you can blame it on them so (He dials the phone and hands it to Monica.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Rachel, Ross, Joey, and Phoebe are there waiting for Chandler's cyberchick to arrive]
ROSS: Wow, well uh, uh, actually, Julie's downstairs getting a cab, I just need the cat toy, did Monica say. . . What? Why, why are you looking at me like that? RACH: I don't know, I, I feel like I had a dream about you last night but I, I don't remember. ROSS: OK. Oh, oh, oh. [runs over and picks up the cat toy] RACH: Did we speak on the phone last night? Did you call me? ROSS: No, I stayed at Julie's last night. RACH: Huh. ROSS: Oh, actually I haven't even been home yet. Do you mind if I check my messages? RACH: Oh yeah, go ahead. [Rachel walks in her room. Ross picks up the phone and dials his machine to check his messages.] ROSS: Rach, I got a message from you. [pauses] Who's Michael? [Rachel comes out of her room, suddenly she remembers leaving the message.]
(A woman walks by and smiles at Rosss hair.)
Ross: Youre fast and irresponsible. That adds up to a bad driver.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Phoebe are counting the invitations as Chandler exits from the bathroom.]
Phoebe: Okay, I think I need to do some shopping. (Gets up and leaves.)
Monica: So what! As long as hes not wearing a white dress and a veil I dont care.
Chandler: Well he doesnt have to know! Its not like we run in the same circles. I hang out with you guys, and he stars in a drag show in Vegas.
[Scene: A Street, Rachel is throwing her coat into the Porsche and getting in.]
Ross: (interrupting her) Lift!! And slide!
Ross: No ah-ah-ah! Do not start this car! (She starts the car.) Okay! Okay! I will give you twenty bucks if you get out of this car right now! (He looks for the twenty Rachel stole and doesnt find it.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Phoebe are on the couch as a man enters.]
Joey: So! You and Phoebe huh? How long have you been going out?
Phoebe: What? (He leans in to kiss her.) Oh. (They kiss and Phoebe pauses.) Ooh. (Pause) Whoa! That one kept going. (Exits.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is entering from the bedroom carrying two bags of luggage.]
Monica: No you didnt. Oh and honey just so you know, now that youre marrying me, you dont get to win anymore.
Monica: Were going to Las Vegas to see your dad. Its time you two talked, and I want to get to know my father-in-law.
Chandler: Yknow we already went over this and I won!
Monica: Joey, I think you should consider something a little less risky. I mean, I think in this market, real estate is your best investment.The Fed. just lowered the rates and the interest on your mortgage is totally deductible. (looks at Chandler) That's right, I know some stuff!
Monica: Hey, the point is that he was at everyone of your swim meets and he was there cheering you on! Okay? Thats a, thats a pretty great dad.
Phoebe: I think so too. And that little flap? Great for holding my lipstick.
Joey: Oh! Hey right! Not a problem. (He starts taking off his clothes.) I totally understand. You need to yknow make sure I dont have any horrible scars or tattoos. Dont you worry; I have nothing to hide. (He drops his pants and stands back up and looks down.) So there you go, thats me. (We cut to a camera angle looking at the casting director and movie director through Joeys legs.) One hundred percent natural! (Suddenly, theres a thud as something falls off.) (Everyone is shocked.) I tell ya, that has never happened before.
JOEY: I can't believe it's Christmas already. Ya know, I mean, one day your eatin' turkey, the next thing ya know, your lords are a-leapin' and you geese are a-layin'.
Phoebe: I'll have to get back to you on that. Okay, bye! (Hangs up.) Oh my God! He wants me to come over and feel his bicep and more!
[Scene: Las Vegas, we have the typical glamour shots of Vegas and the strip before we arrive at 4 Queens bar, where Chandler and Monica are sitting at a table waiting for the show to start.
Chandler: No! No! I dont want him to know were yet! Im not sure Im ready for that. And besides hes not gonna be too happy to see me either.
Chandler: Oh, okay, thanks. (He goes back to the couch and rejoins Monica, Joey, and Phoebe.)
A Waiter in Drag: (to Chandler and Monica) Has someone taken your order yet?
Chandler: And theres daddy!
[Scene: Richard's apartment. There's a knock on the door.The listing agent opens the door for Chandler and Joey.]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen please welcome the incomparable Helena Handbasket!
Rachel: Oh come on Ross!! (She tries to switch places with him and goes under his leg.)
Chandler: Hey, Im going for sushi does anybody want.. (enters and sees the bed) Whoa-whoa, somebody missed the off ramp.
(The teacher smiles, but her eyebrows go up. Susan and Carol pat each other affectionately.)
Rachel: Oh yes, absolutely! Yknow, its weird uh, but I had a dream last night where I was stopped by a policeman. And then he uh well I probably shouldnt tell you the rest.
Policeman: And you promise youll get this taken care of right away?
Monica: Relax! Youll be fine. (Chandler exhales and turns off the table light.) Oh much better. Youre invisible now.
Helena: (standing at a table and asking the guy sitting there) Where are you from?
Joey: Listen, you know how uh, when youre wearing pants and you lean forward I check out your underwear?
Policeman: And in the meantime you better let him drive. Does he have a license?
(He gets up to walk out, but Helena spots and stops him.)