words in movies
Written by: Jeffrey Astrof and Mike Sikowitz. .
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler are sitting at a table. Rachel is working. Monica and Phoebe enter.]
Chandler and Ross: Hey.
(Camera cuts to Chandler and Ross at table.)
(Ross keeps staring at her, head on table. Chandler smacks him with a newspaper. Joey enters, Ross and Chandler laugh at him.)
Ross: Oh, guys, you should've seen him. 'Read 'em and weep.'
Chandler: And then he did.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the guys are teaching the girls how to play poker.]
Phoebe: OK, I just need two... the, um, ten of spades and the six of clubs.
Monica: Alright, here we go. We've got salmon roulettes and assorted crudites.
Phoebe and Rachel: OOooooo!
Phoebe: A-ha! And... what is bluffing? Is it not another word for... lying?
Monica: And you know what? We want a rematch.
Chandler: Yes, and I get my ya-yas from Ikea. You have to put them together yourself, but they cost a little less.
[Scene: Ross' apartment. Chandler and Joey are there. Ross enters with a pizza.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe are there.]
Monica: Uh, Aunt Iris? This is Phoebe, and that's Rachel...
(Ross shuts off the CD player. Marcel runs into the bedroom and slams the door.)
Chandler: Um, ok... the... the fifth dentist caved and now they're all recommending Trident?
Rachel: Noooo... the interview! She loved me! She absolutely loved me. We talked for like two and a half hours, we have the same taste in clothes, andoh, I went to camp with her cousin... And, oh, the job is perfect. I can do this. I can do this well!
Rachel: Oh God, oh, and then she told the funniest story...
Monica: OK, great. You'll tell us and we'll laugh. Let's play poker.
Joey: Alright now listen, you guys, we talked about it, and if you don't want to play, we completely understand.
Phoebe and Rachel: Yes, we should. I think we should.
Ross: So, Phoebs owes $7.50, Monica, you owe $10, and Rachel, you owe fifteen big ones.
Monica: You know what? This is not over. We will play you again, and we will win, and you will lose, and you will beg, and we will laugh, and we will take every last dime you have, and you will hate yourselves forever.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there ready for another poker game.]
Phoebe: (holding a card and waving it in front of her face) Hey you guys, look, the one-eyed jack follows me wherever I go. (they look at her) Right, OK, serious poker.
Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no-no, I'm still waiting to hear from that job and the store closes at nine, so you can eat then.
Rachel: Your fly is open, Geller. (he checks it, and zips up)
Rachel: Well, well, well, hop back in bucko, cause I got four sixes! (lays down cards) I won! I actually won! Oh my God! Y'know what? (collects chips) I think I'm gonna make a little Ross pile. (holds up a chip) I think that one was Ross's, and I thinkohthat one was Ross's. Yes! (Starts singing): Well, I have got your money, and you'll never see it...
Rachel: And your fly's still open...
Rachel: Uh, I will see you... and I'll raise you. (throws chips in pot) What do you say... want to waste another buck?
(Rachel goes back and sits down. The rest don't know what to say.)
Rachel: I see your fifty cents... and I raise you... five dollars. (throws it in)
Rachel: Well, I just lost a job, and I'd like to raise the bet five bucks. Does anybody have a problem with that?
(Everyone says no and folds, except for Ross, who thinks about it.)
(Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe back their chairs away from the table.)
Ross: No, I fold. (lays cards down, and gets up)
(Ross thinks it over, finally sits down and picks up his cards.)
Rachel: OK... see your two... and I raise you twenty. (throws it in)
Rachel: See your twenty-five...and...uh, Monica, get my purse.
Rachel: (to Monica): Thank you. (to Ross): I saw your twenty-five, and I raise you... seven.
(Monica and Phoebe get up and start celebrating in the kitchen, pouring wine and singing. Rachel, shocked, goes to join them.)
(Chandler and Joey look at her, and then look back at him. They dive for Ross's hand to see what he had, and he tries to stop them from looking.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, all six are playing Pictionary at Monica's apartment. Monica is drawing a picture, and the three guys are guessing. She draws what looks like an airplane.]
Joey: Oh! Hey right! Not a problem. (He starts taking off his clothes.) I totally understand. You need to yknow make sure I dont have any horrible scars or tattoos. Dont you worry; I have nothing to hide. (He drops his pants and stands back up and looks down.) So there you go, thats me. (We cut to a camera angle looking at the casting director and movie director through Joeys legs.) One hundred percent natural! (Suddenly, theres a thud as something falls off.) (Everyone is shocked.) I tell ya, that has never happened before.
JOEY: I can't believe it's Christmas already. Ya know, I mean, one day your eatin' turkey, the next thing ya know, your lords are a-leapin' and you geese are a-layin'.
Phoebe: I'll have to get back to you on that. Okay, bye! (Hangs up.) Oh my God! He wants me to come over and feel his bicep and more!
[Scene: Las Vegas, we have the typical glamour shots of Vegas and the strip before we arrive at 4 Queens bar, where Chandler and Monica are sitting at a table waiting for the show to start.
Chandler: No! No! I dont want him to know were yet! Im not sure Im ready for that. And besides hes not gonna be too happy to see me either.
Chandler: Oh, okay, thanks. (He goes back to the couch and rejoins Monica, Joey, and Phoebe.)
A Waiter in Drag: (to Chandler and Monica) Has someone taken your order yet?
Chandler: And theres daddy!
[Scene: Richard's apartment. There's a knock on the door.The listing agent opens the door for Chandler and Joey.]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen please welcome the incomparable Helena Handbasket!
Rachel: Oh come on Ross!! (She tries to switch places with him and goes under his leg.)
Chandler: Hey, Im going for sushi does anybody want.. (enters and sees the bed) Whoa-whoa, somebody missed the off ramp.
(The teacher smiles, but her eyebrows go up. Susan and Carol pat each other affectionately.)
Rachel: Oh yes, absolutely! Yknow, its weird uh, but I had a dream last night where I was stopped by a policeman. And then he uh well I probably shouldnt tell you the rest.
Policeman: And you promise youll get this taken care of right away?
Monica: Relax! Youll be fine. (Chandler exhales and turns off the table light.) Oh much better. Youre invisible now.
Helena: (standing at a table and asking the guy sitting there) Where are you from?
Joey: Listen, you know how uh, when youre wearing pants and you lean forward I check out your underwear?
Policeman: And in the meantime you better let him drive. Does he have a license?
(He gets up to walk out, but Helena spots and stops him.)
Joey: Check it out. (He turns around, pulls down his pants, and shows Phoebe that hes got panties on.) How much of a man am I?!
Phoebe: Wow! Nice! Manly and also kind of a slut.
Joey: Yeah! And you have so many more choices than you do with mens underwear!
Joey: Pantyhose! Yknow? They way they start at your toe and go all the way up to here (He mimed that and stops when he realized he went to far.) I should go take these off shouldnt I?
Ross: Oh, I uh, hope you don't mind, I kinda uh, jazzed it up a little. Check this out. (He plays the greeting, and We Will Rock You starts to play and Ross's voice comes over it.) We will, we will, call you back!
(Joey agrees and heads to take them off.)
Chandler: Actually Monica and I are engaged.
Phoebe: Yeah. I was just in there. He introduced himself and the next thing I know, were making out. You know.
Monica: Damnit! Yknow this whole time we were concentrating on watching the babies and, and no one was watching Chandler! (He does it again.)
Rachel: Well maybe he saw your hand slip briefly from the ten and two oclock position.
Roger: Aaaah, what's wrong, c'mon. (Pats his leg. She lies down and rests her head in his lap)
Joey: Yeah! Okay! (He notices a beautiful woman sitting behind the couch and goes to talk to her.) Hey! Hi!
Joey: Oh, let me get this. (He takes out his wallet, but the panties come with it. The woman and waitress are shocked.) (Realizing) (To the woman) These are for you.
Chandler: The young hot ball and chain.
Chandler: Yep! From now on its gonna be the four of you guys and me and the misses. The little woman. The wife. The old ball and chain.
Chandler: (smiling) Hey, I hear what your saying, okay? And, thanks for the warning.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the girls are having breakfast.]
Joey: Well anyway, the guy they wanted backed out and now they want me! I start shooting today!
Joey: (entering) Hey! You guys! Remember that audition I had a while ago and didnt get the part?
Rachel: Oh, see now I feel bad for the kid! I had a crush on a teacher once and it was so hard! Yknow youI couldnt concentrate and I blushed every time he looked at me. I mean come on, you remember whats its like to be 19 and in love.
Richard: No, we still have food in the basement! I saw potatoes and some dry pasta!
The Director: Okay, all right. Lets do it. (He walks off.) And Action!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is standing in the kitchen ready to leave for the rehearsal dinner.]
(Chandler freaks out and loosens his tie.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica has hit a writers block as Rachel and Phoebe enter.]
Chandler: Yeah. Yknow I keep thinking that something stupid is gonna come up and Ill go all Chandler. But nothing has.
(She exits and as Chandler picks up his coat, the phone rings and the answering machine gets it.)
(Phoebe and Rachel walk up.)
Chandler: Mr. and Mrs. Bing! (Walks away.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, his massage client is on the table and Ross is reluctantly starting his massage. He spreads some lotion in his hands, and doesnt like it.]
Phoebe: Well maybe you dont talk about your feelings back then. Maybe you just say something about yknow all the things that hes taught you. Like (They all try to think about one example and dont succeed.) Or all the things you taught him.
Helena: (To Monica) And who is your friend?
(Chandlers Mom enters and Chandler meets her by the door.)
(Monica and her parents walk up.)
Ross: Well I I told him that if he ever hurt you I would hunt him down and kick his ass! (The girls all laugh.) What?! What?! What is the matter with everybody?! I am serious! I would kick his ass! (The laugh harder.)
(Mr. and Mrs. Geller start to walk away.)
(He goes to the bathroom and after he leaves Rachel goes through his coat and grabs the keys along with a $20 bill. The woman from before watches her do this.)
[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Geller talking to Ross.]
Chandler: Oh my God! (He and Monica walk away.)
Ross: Thanks you guys. (Walks away happily and his parents smile.)
Rachel: Man in the black dress (Monica walks away and Rachel looks around to find a woman in a black dress.) (To her) Hi! Im Rachel! Im a friend of Monica and Chandlers!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are in the kitchen.]
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is wearing sunglasses and as he exits his bedroom, Ross enters the apartment.]
Ross: (going up to Rachels closed door) Chandler? (He opens the door and looks inside and doesnt see him.) Chandler? (He checks the bathroom and still doesnt find him. He then finds a note on the counter. He picks it up and reads it.)
Phoebe: (walking up) Whats up? (Rachel hands her the note and she reads it.) Tell Monica Im sorry. (Pause) Tell her yourself!
[Scene: The Hallway, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel are discussing the note.]
Ross: I think it means he freaked out and left!
(Ross laughs and Phoebe points harder.)
(Hes still spitting and Joey holds his script in front of his face.)
Ross: LookOkay, Im just gonnaIm gonna have to go find him and bring him back! Okay? You-you make sure Monica does not find out, okay?
Phoebe: Dont be so negative! Good God! Isnt it possible that Sorry is sitting in there (Joey and Rachels apartment) right now?!
Rachel: You guys are gonna love meee! Okay, check it out, Thursday night, five tickets, Calvin Klein lingerie show, and you guys are coming with me. (theyre all silent and look away) Okay, I said that out loud right?
[Scene: The Movie Set, Richard and Joey are doing a scene.]
(Joey and Richard both wipe their faces and are given towels.)
Richard: Oh youre awesome! And, in that last speech? You soaked me.
(Ross points at him and exits.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the next morning, Rachel and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]
Rachel: God! DontWe cant let her start getting ready! This is too awful! Oh God, but wait shell be in the gown and then he wont show up and then shes gonna have to take off the gown
Monica: How about you go put on your 007 tuxedo and Ill make you a nice martini.
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers bathroom, the scene is continued from earlier.]
(They slowly and hesitantly move their lips together and kiss gently. Phoebe has her eyes wide open in shock and Chandler is squinting. He finally breaks the kiss after only a short while and pushes Phoebe away.)
(Phoebe reaches into the trash can, pulls one out, and hands it to Rachel.)
Phoebe: There was a pregnancy test in the garbage, and its positive. Monicas pregnant. (Rachel covers her mouth.) So I guess she wont be totally alone.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is just hanging up the phone as Rachel and Phoebe enter.]
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe and Rachel are in the kitchen as there is a knock on the door. Rachel answers it.]
Monica: (Interrupting) Oh, what about that guy over there? (She points at another guy and Gunther is deflated.) Remember? That is the guy you flirted with at the counter that time.
Monica: Hey! Okay, so I thought wed start with my make up and then do my hair.
(Phoebe and Ross go to look for Chandler and Rachel enters Monica and Chandlers.)
Phoebe: Ross, youre tired. Youve been looking all night. And clearly you suck at this.
The Director: Look Joey, theres nothing I can do. Besides, youre probably gonna be out by four anyway. Weve just got one short scene. Its just you and Richard, and God knows hes a pro. Youll be fine. (Walks away and sees Richard entering.) Morning Richard.
Phoebe: No, its not! We were just goofing around and I dared him to try them on.
[Scene: A Street, Phoebe and Ross are exiting a pizza place.]
Chandler: Panicking! And using the Internet to try to prove that Im related to Monica. How is she?
Ross: Shes fine. She doesnt know youre gone. And she doesnt have to know, okay? Now come on, were going home.
Ross: Chandler, have you ever put on a black cocktail dress and asked me up to your hotel room?
Monica: Oh. (turns and looks at Joey, who gives a way-to-go thumbs up and smile.)
Joey: You know what it is? It's a nice place but I gotta see I don't know if I see myself living here. Oh, oh, oh, let me see... (Joey sits down on the couch, mimes opening a can and puts his hand down his pants) Yeah, I could see it.
Monica: (interrupting) The days and nights are hard! I get it! Okay? Look umm, Rachel Im sorry! I have to start getting ready! Im getting married today!
Ross: Yknow, okay. Youre right. It is huge. So why dont we take it just a little bit at a time? Okay? Umm, forget getting married for a sec; just forget about it. Can you just come home and take a shower?
(Monica goes into the bathroom and Rachel thinks quickly.)