words in movies
Written by: Doty Abrams Transcribed by: Eric Aasen With Scenes Taken From Episodes Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips, guineapig, Ruth Curran, Josh Hodge, and Me.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Phoebe is helping Joey rehearse for an audition. Phoebe is overacting her part.]
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey is memorizing his lines. Chandler, Rachel, and Phoebe are there as well.]
Joey: Oh, its a new TV show. Yeah. Im up for the part of Mac Macaveli or "Mac." Yeah, Im a detective and I solve crimes with the help of my robot partner. Hes a, hes a Computerized Humanoid Electronically Enhanced Secret Enforcer or-or "C.H.E.E.S.E."
Rachel: So Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
[And with that we go into the save the budget portion of the show, which features flashbacks from previous episodes. The first set of auditions feature high lights or low lights of Joeys acting career. The first flashback is from The One With The Lesbian Wedding.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there to watch Joey's first scene as Dr. Drake Remoray.]
Joey: Yeah, and oh she's really nice too. She taught me all about how to work the cameras, and smell-the-fart acting.
Joey: (on stage in an Austrian accent) Vell, Eva, ve've done some excellent vork here, and I vould have to say, your pwoblem is qviiite clear. (He goes into a song and dance number.)
[The next flashback is also from The One With The Butt and it's also on the soundtrack. He's Joey telling everyone about his big break in Monica and Rachel's apartment.]
Joey: I play Al Pacino's butt. All right? He goes into the shower, and then- I'm his butt. Monica: (trying not to laugh) Oh my God. Joey: C'mon, you guys. This is a real movie, and Al Pacino's in it, and that's big! Chandler: Oh no, it's terrific, it's- it's- y'know, you deserve this, after all your years of struggling, you've finally been able to crack your way into show business. Joey: Okay, okay, fine! Make jokes, I don't care! This is a big break for me! Ross: You're right, you're right, it is.
[Cut back to Joey about to leave for his audition for Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are playing chess and are both studying the board intently.]
Joey: Yeah-yeah, its down to me and two other guys.
Joey: And I know both of them, theyre really good. One of them is the guy from those allergy commercials whos always getting chased by those big flowers
Chandler: (on phone) Yes, Fran. I know what time it is, but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm not happy!
Rachel: (on the phone) Monica, Im quitting! I just helped an 81 year old woman put on a thong and she didnt even buy it! (Pause) Im telling you Im quitting! Thats it! Im talking to my boss right now! (Pause) Yes I am! (Pause) Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Okay bye, call me when you get this message. (Hangs up.)
Phoebe: Well, he came in for a massage and everything was fine until... (The flashback shows Paulo lying face down on the massage table and slowly moving his hands up Phoebe's legs and grabbing her butt.)
Phoebe: And all of the sudden his hands weren't the problem anymore. (The flashback shows Paulo rolling over and showing Phoebe his equipment.)
Joey: I want this part so much! Yknow? If I dont get this part Im never gonna eat Macaroni and Cheese again!No, I didnt say that! Thats a lie.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Chandler is there talking to the chick and duck.]
Chandler: Oh come on guys, its not like I moved to Europe! I just moved across the hall! And we would have you over all the time if it werent for (struggles to get this out) Monicas allergies. (The duck quacks.) Youre right, I could never lie to you. She hates you. (The phone rings.) Should I get that? (Laughs, then answers the phone.) Hello? (Listens) Uh no, Joeys not here right now. Can I take a message? (Listens) Yeah, okay so the audition has been moved from 5:00 to 2:30? (Listens) Okay great. (Listens.) Bye. (Hangs up the phone and goes to write the message on the Magna-Doodle on the door but Monica walks in and forces him to jump out of the way.)
Chandler: Oh right, your allergies. (Monica leaves and to the chick and duck) All her, she hates you. (Chandler leaves without finishing the message for Joey.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey and Chandler are playing foosball and Joey scores a goal.]
(The phone rings and Joey answers it.)
Joey: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) What are you talking about? The auditions not til 5:00! (Chandler suddenly remembers and looks at the unfinished message then tries to sneak over and finish it as Joey listens.) Well, nobody told me! (Listens) Whod you talk to? (Listens and turns around to see Chandler trying to finish the message.) Nevermind! (Hangs up.)
Chandler: Well, maybe we can fix it yknow? Maybe we can send him some-some big-big flowers and scare him!
Chandler: I pity the fool who puts on my jewelry, I do, I do. I pity the fool that. . . [turns around and sees Joey] Hi!
Chandler: Yeah, I mean when you were late last night, Kathy and I got to talking, and one thing to another and
Joey: And what?! Did you sleep with her?!
[Cut back to Joey and Rachels apartment.]
[Chandler proceeds to point out Joeys errors in this forth set of flashbacks. The first flashback is from The One With The Cat. Chandler has just returned home to see that their apartment has been cleaned out and finds Joey trapped in the entertainment center.]
Chandler: What the hell happened?!! How were you locked in?!! And where the hell is all of our stuff?!!
[The next flashback is from The One With The Candy Hearts. Joey and Chandler are waiting at a restaurant as Lorraine and her friend arrive.]
Chandler: ...And what did you bring?
Lorraine: She's checking the coats. Joey, I'm gonna go wash the cab smell off my hands. Will you get me a white Zinfandel, and a glass of red for Janice.
[The next flashback is from The One With Ross's New Girlfriend. Chandler is telling Ross and Joey that Joey's tailor took advantage of him.]
Chandler: Oh come on! He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite...
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Rachel are consoling Chandler.]
Monica: Yknow what? He will forgive you. And I like to bring a pad with me when I go answer the phone just in case (Chandler gets that disgusted look back.) Okay
[We then go into another set of flashbacks of famous fights. The first is the second breakup of Ross and Rachel from The One With The Jellyfish.]
Rachel: Yeah! You and that girl from that copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!!
Ross: It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for 18 pages. Front and back!! (they go into the living room, trapping Monica, Chandler, and Joey in the kitchen) (to Rachel) Oh-oh-oh, and by the way, Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means you are, Y-O-U-R means your!
Ross: (starts to cry) FINE BY ME!! (he opens the door and traps Chandler behind it)
Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, its not that common! It doesnt happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!!
[The next flashback is from The One After The Superbowl, Part II. Monica and Rachel are fighting over who gets to see Jean-Claude Van Damme.]
Rachel: OK, well, you wouldn't let me finish and I was jus- [Monica flicks her back] Ow. That hurt [flicks Monica]
(They wrestle on the couch for a little while until Monica gets the upper hand and pulls Rachel off of the couch by her sock. Monica removes Rachel's sock and starts beating her with it.)This leads to wrestling on the floor. This finally angers Phoebe.)
(Phoebe grabs each of them by an ear.) Monica and Rachel: Ow! Ow! Ow!
[The next flashback is from The One Where Eddie Moves In. It's the sequence where Joey and Chandler are both saddened that they're not living together anymore. All By Myself is playing in the background.]
[Joey's place. He goes to say something to Chandler in the other chair but no one's there. He goes to call Chandler but decides not to and throws the phone back down.]
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Chandler is entering with a peace offering of a Joey Special, two pizzas.]
Chandler: Joey? Got you a Joey Special, two pizzas! Joe? (The phone rings and he answers it) (On phone) Hello? (Takes the phone away from his mouth when he realizes what he just did and yells.) Damnit! (Back on phone.) Hello? (Listens.) No, Joeys not here right now, but I can take a message I think. (Listens) Hes still got a chance for the part?! Oh, thats great news! (Listens) Well no obviously not for the actor who was mauled by his dog. (Listens) Oh well, thats great. I will give Joey the message. Thank you! (Hangs up and goes to write the message on the Magna-Doodle.) Yes! (Reading what hes writing) Okay, Mac audition at 2:00. Allergy actor attacked. (Pause) By dog not flowers.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey is entering to find Chandler waiting patiently for him.]
Chandler: Well thats good. Because you didnt! And Im incredibly happy for ya!!
[What follows is the final set of flashbacks that feature a whole lot of lovin between Chandler and Joey. Theres no words, just hugs and even the kiss from The One With The Monkey. All of this is set to the song, Youve Really Got a Hold on Me!]
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey and Phoebe are reading a scene from Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.]
Ross: Thank you! And I have to say that first scene when you meet Mac
Joey: Yknow what? I think thats enough for today. Thanks for your help! (He grabs their scripts and heads for his room.)
Phoebe: Hi, Bubbles. Manly. Well, I just thought I would drop by and let you know how it went with Joey.
Chandler: (sarcastically) Yes were all in here and we would love for you to join us!
(They all hug and then turn and look at Chandler)
Rachel: (entering) Hey! Ross and I were looking for you! What are we all doing in here? (Looks at Chandler) Oh, my! (Covers the spot where Joey wants bubbles to be replaced.)
Chandler: Yeah. And what youre doing feels so good.
[Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe walks up to and knocks on Chandler and Monicas door.]
[Scene: Chandler and Monicas bathroom. Both are sitting on opposite ends of the bathtub.]
Phoebe: Great! Umm (Monica closes the door again and Phoebe knocks again.)
Phoebe: Oh are you and Chandler
(Chandler lets her into the apartment and reveals that Monica is getting a massage from another woman.)
(Finally, the baby is delivered and starts crying.)
Rachel: And I hope its not an inappropriate time to say this but, youre the best sex I ever had.
<Ross and Rachel are putting baby stuff together like they're going to be going somewhere.>
Rachel: Oh, okay! (She goes over to him and he feels her belly.)
Monica: Y'know, so I don't read as many important books as you do, and I don't write trick poems that seem to be about one thing but are actually about something else. And y'know what, I get excited about stupid stuff, like when I my People magazine comes on Saturday, and the new Hold Everything catalog. Y'know but that does not mean that I'm empty, I care about things. I care about my friends and family. You have no right to make that kind of judgment about me.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica has opened another wedding present as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, I will do it. Honey, you have to learn to sit down and relax and let your husband take care of things once and awhile. (Tries the door.) Its locked, you have to help me. Why is it locked?
Chandler: Oh yknow, Ive been living here a while and Ive never seen whats inside that closet. What is, what is in there?
Monica: Thank you! (He tries the door again and Monica glares at him.)
Joey: All right look, yknow how-yknow how when youre dating someone and you dont want to cheat on them, unless its with someone really hot?
Monica: Thats different, we were roommates! And when?!
Chandler: Phoebe if it helps Alexandra has only been massaging Monica for like three years. (Phoebe rolls her eyes and walks away and Monica glares at him.) If! I said, "If it helps!" (Goes to the bedroom.)
Rachel: Last night! I just felt it and I went into Joeys room and he was sleeping
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Rachel are there as Ross enters.]
Ross: What?! It is?! (He tries to quickly remove his gloves, but runs into trouble and finally throws them off of his hands like a hockey player in a fight and grabs Rachels belly.)
Phoebe: But Im a professional! And Im really good! Look, if youre uncomfortable we can stop. Just give me a chance, okay. Please?
Mr. Geller: It is off. Right Ross? (pans over to see Ross with an afro and moustache)
Ross: Yeah and we'd want to make sure Emma has someone like Monica who is more uh. uh discliplinarin.. someone who can be firm and strict.
(Phoebe turns on some music and grabs some oil.)
Joey: Well off the top of my head uhh, maybe shes having her cake and eating it too. You being the cake and Richard being the too. Or!
Chandler: I wasnt trying to open your closet! I wasnt trying to open your closet! I swear! (Running into the kitchen and sees its Joey.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler has a box of keys and is trying them on the secret closet when someone enters.]
Chandler: And here we go
Rachel: Joey. Joey, something feels weird and not good weird. I dontWhoa!! (Winces in pain.)
[Scene: The Men's room, Joey is entering and sees his hand twin washing his hands.]
Chandler: Pheebs, wake up and smell the restraining order.
Monica: I will prove it to you! Okay? About a week ago I was wearing those jeans and I dropped a pen in my lap and it left an ink stain on the crotch. Now when she comes back I will find it and show you that stain!
Rachel: Thank you doctor. (Dr. Long exits.) (To Joey) Oh thank you for being so nice and calm.
Joey: And-and theres no danger to her and the baby?
Ross and Rachel while looking at each other surprised and shocked: Jill?
Monica: Okay, I-Im sorry. You and Joey, your both focusing on this uncomfortable thing, what you need to do is to change the subject. Next time you see him try to get him talking about something else.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey and Chandler are still working on the door.]
Monica: Nothing. (She backs away a little bit but is still in his arms and looks up at his eyes.) I dont knUmm. I dont know. Umm
Chandler: Okay. (They switch places and Chandler gets out a credit card.) So uh, Ross is kinda bummed huh?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler have gone through the phone book and found Greg and Jennys number which Monica has just dialed.]
Mike: So what? I mean if even I can get past that, it shouldn't bother you. And you don't have to like her. You just have to accept the fact that I do. I mean, if you even can't be civil to the woman I love...
Chandler: I know, me too. Hey! Y'know what if we went away for a whole weekend? Y'know we'd have no interruptions and we could be naked the entire time.
Phoebe: Oh, great! We couldnt keep our eyes off each other all night and then every once and a while yknow, hed kinda lean over and stroke my hair and touch my neck. (Does that to Monica.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is balancing an aluminum can on her stomach as Ross enters.]
Rachel: Oh Ross!! (Runs to the bathroom and closes the door.)
Rachel: Honey, y'know I just gotta tell you, I think this is such a terrific thing you're having these babies for Frank and Alice.
Rachel: Oh. <opens door preparing herself and then happily says> Amy! Happy Thanksgiving.
Ross: No I-I-I would love to be around for you and the baby. And we-we can just try it like on a temporary basis.
Rachel: But Ross, its you and me!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is pounding out the hinge pins on the closet door to get it open.]
Ross: Oh Rach thats great. Thats great. (They hug and Joey breathes a sigh of relief.)
Chandler: Yes! And look, now that I know if I got some extra stuff lying around can we, can we share the closet.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is drinking a gallon of orange juice as Chandler enters.]
Phoebe: Yeah, say my name. Say it! (She stops when she realizes what shes doing.) And now Im going to cover you back up, and umm were never doing this again.
[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is getting a cup of coffee as Joey and Phoebe enter and sit down.]
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers. Phoebe and Ross are sitting in the living room talking.]
Phoebe: So, how does Mona feel about you and Rachel living together?
Ross: All right. (reading the label) Candy and Cookie?
[Scene: Joey and wait just Joeys. Joey is sitting at the counter eating a pizza.]
Mr. Geller: And if you see Rita Moreno, let her know Im looking for her.
Phoebe and Monica: (sympathetic) Ohh!
<Amy runs towards Rachel and Rachel puts her arm out, hand on Amy's head and Amy starts trying to hit her but is missing, Rachel is moving backwards towards the table when her hand swipes the one plate left on the table on to the floor>
(Phoebe goes into the hall and brings a dog inside!)
Phoebe: This is the happiest dog in the world. I borrowed him from my friend Wendy. Now, you can only keep him until he cheers you up. And he will cheer you up!
Monica: (from her bedroom) Okay! Ill be right out. Im slipping into something a little less comfortable, and a little more slutty.
Phoebe: Wow! This place is incredible! (Gasps) Stings pen that he gave to Phoebe. (Puts the pen in her purse and goes over to a floor-to-ceiling bookcase) Come on! Secret passageway! (Starts pulling books at random as Trudie enters.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers. Chandler enters with a bouquet of roses.]
(The woman groans, moans, grunts, and screams. Chandlers eyes get huge!)
Monica: No, no its going to be great. Really! Mom, Dad, when I got married, one of the things that made me sure I could do it was the amazing example the two of you set for me. For that and so many other things I want to say thank you. I know I probably dont say it enough, but I love you. (Pretends to cry hoping her parents will join her.) When I look around this room, Im-Im saddened by the thought of those who could not be here with us. Nana, my beloved grandmother who would so want to be here, but she cant because shes dead. As is our dog Chi-Chi. I mean look how cute she is. (Holds up the picture and pretends to cry again). Was. (To an old man by the stage.) Do me a favor and pass this to my parents. Remember shes dead. Okay, her and Nana, gone. Wow! Hey does anybody remember when Debra Winger had to say goodbye to her children in Terms of Endearment? (Chandler covers his ears) Didnt see that? No movie fans?! You want to hear something sad? The other day I was watching 60 Minutes these orphans in Romania, who have been so neglected, they were incapable of love. (Waits for people to cry, but doesnt get any tears.) You people are made of stone! Heres to mom and dad! Whatever!
Ross: I've seen her at work, but I always figured, ah-huh? But, uh, I made her dinner. We had a great time. And we're going out again tomorrow.
Eric: She, now I knew that and now Im sweating. Look at me, Im really sweatingNow Im saying, "Look at me," Im getting even sweatier. I think I probably should go.
Rachel: I accidentally packed these with my stuff. (looks at the dog and gasps) Who is this?
Rachel: Well, you know what? This is great. Finally, I have someone I can pass on my wisdom too. Let me tell you about a couple of things I learned while working at the coffeehouse. First of all, the customer is always right. (Joey nods.) A smile goes a long way. (Joey smiles) And if anyone is ever rude to you? Sneeze muffin.
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers. Chandler is sitting on the couch staring at the tape on the coffee table with his eyes huge and his mouth wide open.]
(Chandler glances up at Monica with his mouth still wide open and his eyes still huge)
Joey: (to the dog) Cmere. Hey. Cmere. Thats Rachel. Shes the one who used to live here. Might as well be honest with youwe love her. But we cant have her. I really miss her. Well, hey, you understand, right? Youre a guy. (thinks about it and picks up the dog and looks) Well, you used to be.
<Amy bending over fiddling with her purse when Emma cries and she hears Emma>
Chandler: Oh, beautiful? Really? Beautiful? You think this is beautiful? (picks up the remote and presses a button, and he immediately makes a face that just looks like hes going to throw up!)
Mona: Huh, could you imagine. I go away for a few days, and come back, and my boyfriend is living with some woman he got pregnant! (Mona laughs yes again!)
Ross: (with his mouth full) Just a second! (he fake laughs, but turns his head and starts to break down)
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.]
Ross: Oh, no, no, no, I will! I just want to butter her up, first! You know, Im going to take her to an amazing Valentines dinner. Do all this romantic stuff, and then, just when she thinks Im the best boyfriend in the world, then Im going to tell her that my pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with me.
[Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe comes up the stairs and hears drumming coming from Joey and Rachel's, so she enters smiling and then sees that Rachel, not Joey, is the one playing.]
Joey: So, between her and me being friends, and her history with Ross, it just isnt going to happen. It would be like you falling in love with a cat.
[Scene: Ross and Rachels I guess I have to call it that now. Rachel is reading on the couch as Ross enters.]
Joey: No, no, no, no! Hes fine! Look, look, look! (picks up the ball) Heres your ball! Get your ball! Get your ball! (he throws the ball and it bounces right next to the dog) Get your ball! My God, what have I done to you, huh? I broke the dog! Pheebs, I broke the dog!
Announcer: And his opponent, from Hunnington Beach, California! Hes a 300 pound street fighter, Tank Abbottttttt!!!!
Ross: No, no. Shes way to emotional. And by emotional I mean crazy.
Rachel: You know what Im going to do? Im going to get in my sweats, and eat this in bed! (exits)
Mona: No, no. Listen, Ross is too nice to say anything, but this is his apartment, and, and, we gotta have some boundaries, so why dont you go back to your place and give us some privacy?
Ross: And you thought she was going to be in our way! So, why dont you, uh, open the champagne, and Ill be right back. Ive got a surprise for you.
Rachel: Oh, Ive got big Valentines plans! Ive got my Chinese food on the way, and the rest of your saltwater taffy!
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch still staring at the screen.]
Joey: I guess I'm going to have to come up with a really good reason why I wasn't there. The producers are going to be so mad at me. They sat us all down yesterday and said "Everyone has to be there at 6:00 AM sharp, that means you Tribbiani." Like.. like I was some kind of idiot.
(Chandler crawls over to Monica and they move in to kiss, but they cant do it and back up. They move in to kiss again, and kiss very awkwardly for a second, until someone knocks on the door.)