words in movies
Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan and Scott Silveri Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, and Rachel are sitting on the couch and Ross is sitting on the chair, and theyre all talking.]
Joey: Probably Monica and Chandler.
Woman: Thatd be great, thanks. (Gunther goes and gets them.)
Rachel: Wh(Turns and looks at the gang whos staring)Why dont I tell you over here? (She walks Melissa away from the gang.)
Melissa: So last I heard you were gonna get married. (Grabs Rachels hand and notices that she doesnt have a ring on it.) (Sadly) Oh poor Ray-ray.
Rachel: Shes actually very sweet and we used to be very close.
Rachel: No we werent! It was nothing! It was one night, senior year we went to a party, had a lot of sangria and yknow, ended up kissing for a bit.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is working on the seating chart while Chandler looks on and Rachel reads.]
Monica: (telling Chandler the seating arrangement) Okay so this is where the band is. (Points.) And this is where the bar is. (Points) And all these pins have peoples names on them. (She has pins to show the seating at each of the tables.) And Rach, here you are. (Points to Rachels place.)
Rachel: Oh wow. Why dont we just take me (Grabs her pin) and put me with a Manhattan in my hand, talking to the cute bartender. (Puts her pin at the bar and laughs. Monica just glares at her.) These pins arent for playing are they?
Monica: (To Chandler) Okay, the red ones are my guests and the blue ones are yours.
Rachel: Oh, get out of here! (Jumps back and walks away.)
Rachel: (motioning to a rack) So now, these are all the tuxedos that we make and if theres anything that you like, we can make you a deal. Anything at all. (Grabs a few) But these are the three that Monica pre-approved.
Rachel: Oh they are nice. We-we custom-make tuxedos for celebrities and then when theyre done with them they just send em back.
Rachel: Honey, might I suggest watching a little more ESPN and a little less E!?
Rachel: He plays for the Yankees. Seriously, ESPN! Just once and a while, have it on in the background. (Chandler nods and Rachel grabs another tux) Ooh, this one was Pierce Brosnan!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Phoebe are moving chess pieces around on the board and hitting the timer at random.]
Phoebe: I like our way. Oh! (Grabs a piece and jumps a bunch of Joeys like in Checkers.) Chess!
Rachel: So Joey I just hooked Ross and Chandler up with some tuxedos for the wedding, do you need one?
Joey: Multi-colored robes! Ooh, and maybe a hat.
Rachel: Hey, come on! I had this friend from college and I made the stupid mistake of telling Joey that one time she and I yknow kissed a little bit.
Rachel: Yeah, it was senior year in college. It was after the Sigma Chi luau and Melissa and I got very drunk! And we ended up kissing! For several minutes!
Phoebe: (To Joey) Which means she had a couple spritzers and a quick peck on the cheek.
Phoebe: Okay! I justI didnt know that you are a lesbian. (Joey smiles and nods lewdly.)
Phoebe: Okay, it just seems pretty wild and youre soyknow so vanilla.
Rachel: Im not vanilla! Ive done lots of crazy things! I mean I got-I got drunk and married in Vegas!
Rachel: All right, yknow what? If you dont want to believe me about this, why dont you just come with me to dinner tonight and she will tell you.
Ross: Thats right! Made expressly for Val Kilmer and worn by him in the hit film that Batman film he was in.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is still working on the seating chart as Joey enters.]
Monica: Hey. Oh good-good youre here! All right, I figured it out. Im gonna take two tables of eight, Im gonna add your parents, and Im gonna turn them into three tables of six. Okay? And I called the caterer; I added two extra meals, we are good to go!
Joey: I dont know. Just uh, just tell em it was a mix-up with the invitations, orNo-no-no! Blame it on the post office. They hate the post office. And the Irish! But I dont think you can blame it on them so (He dials the phone and hands it to Monica.)
Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Yeah, hi! Mrs. Tribbiani? (Listens) Hi, this is Monica Geller. (Listens) Yeah Im just calling to say that Chandler and I uh, really hope you can make it to the wedding. Yeah, apparently a bunch of invitations that we sent werent delivered. Umm, I guess there was some screw up at the damn post office! (Joey nods his approval.) (Listens) T-Tell me about it! (Listens) Yeah, yeah, the US Post Office? No, more like US lost office! (Listens) What are they Irish?! (Joey gives her a thumbs up.)
[Scene: A restaurant, Melissa, Rachel, and Phoebe are talking.]
Melissa: anyway, his name is Allan and weve been going out for three years. He was my first client when I became a party planner. He was planning a party for his girlfriend at the time. Oh well. (Rachel and Phoebe politely laugh) And he was Theta Beta Pi at Syracuse.
Rachel: (changing the subject) Anyway, speaking of drinking too much. I was uh, tellin Phoebe about that one crazy night after the Sigma Chi luau where you and I uh, we made out.
Rachel: Remember?! Wecome on both had the sarongs on, and we had the-the coconut bikini tops
Rachel: we went back the house and we got really silly and we we made out.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is on the couch as Chandler disgustedly enters.]
Monica: How about you go put on your 007 tuxedo and Ill make you a nice martini.
Joey: Ah. Yeah. Well look, the thing is its the same day as my nieces christening and I really want my parents to be there in time to see me. Cause my parts just in the beginning Im not even in the rest of the showWedding!
Joey: Yeah! Yeah yknow, like warm up the crowd. Ask em where theyre from. Cause in Joey Tribbiani you get a minister and you get an entertainer. Im a minis-tainer! (Rapping) There is no one better! There is no one greater!
Rachel: Wh Come on! Remember? We were on the sleeping porch! We couldnt stop giggling? And our coconuts kept knockin together?
Rachel: Yeahbut come onListen, Im sorry I dont want to make you uncomfortable, but I told Phoebe that it happened and she doesnt believe me.
Melissa: Im sorry Ray-ray. I mean if I thought it happened I would say it. Maybe I passed out and you did stuff to me while I was sleeping.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are working on the seating chart as Ross enters carrying his tux around.]
Monica: Between you and
Ross: Gunther. (To Chandler) Hey-hey! Why dont we put them on? Yknow get a picture of Batman and James Bond together.
Monica: A little tight? I could see double-oh and seven in those pants.
Ross: Okay, but just the jacket. Double-oh and seven are not gettin in there.
Ross: Let me see that! (Grabs the invitation and reads it.) Oh man!
Chandler: The only superpower you have is a slightly heightened sense of smell. (Hands him the jacket and walks away.)
Monica: All right thats it, I give up! Whatever you want you can have it! You wanna sing a song? You wanna do a dance? You want your mom stand at the Alter and scream racial slurs? I dont care!
Chandler: Well, youre welcome. And tell them were really glad theyre coming.
Joey: Okay. I will. Ohh! Check out what they got me to wear for the ceremony! (Runs to his apartment and returns wearing a rather silly hat.) Huh? I wear it like this when I marry you guys, and then this (He tilts it to the side of his head) is for party time.
[Scene: Outside the restaurant, Melissa, Phoebe, and Rachel are emerging.]
Melissa: Okay. (To Phoebe) Well, it was great meeting you. And uh Rachel, I-I dont think Ill be calling you (hails a cab) because umm, yknow youve gotten weird. (The cab pulls up.) Take care you guys.
Rachel: What?! Wait a minute! No wait a minute! (She does so.) Okay? Look, that night was the one wild thing I have ever done in my entire life, and Im not gonna let you take that away from me! Okay, so if you dont remember that, maybe you will remember this! (She grabs Melissa and kisses her on the lips.)
Melissa: Of course I remember our kiss. I think about it all the time. I can still hear the coconuts knockin together I (Phoebe is shocked.) I just didnt want to tell you cause I didnt think that youd return my love, and now that you have (Leans in to kiss Rachel.)
Melissa: Aww, look whos being suddenly shy. You cant tell me you dont feel what I feel. Nobody can kiss that good and not mean it. (Goes in again.)
Melissa: (laughs) Oh you dont have to be (Laughs again) sorry. Im Im obviously kidding. Im not in love with you. (To Phoebe) Im not in love with her. I dont hear coconuts banging together. Yeah, I dont picture your face when I make love to my boyfriend. Anyway, I gotta go. Eh kiss good-bye? (Rachel stares at her stunned.) No? Okay. (Hurries into the cab and drives off.)
(Suddenly, Phoebe leans in and kisses her on the lips!)
Rachel: And?
Phoebe: (to Monica) Anyway, Im going out with Sergei again tonight, and um, could you come and be the translators date? So that when we, its time for our alone time, you two could split off. Y'know, hes really, hes kinda cute.
[They all turn around and look at Joey.]
Ross: (to Rachel) Look both, Joey and Monica feel the same way that I do. No-no-no-no.
Joey: Yeah, and not put us in the middle.
[Scene: Carol and Susans, Carol is running to answer the door.]
[Ross tries to start the truck, and discovers the batterys dead.]
[They all get in the cab and drive away.]
Carol: Yeah, okay, bye. (closes the door, turns out the lights, and runs back to the bedroom)
(He goes and sits down next to Rachel and puts a cigarette in his mouth, which Rachel takes away from him. He puts another cigarette in his mouth, and Rachel takes it away again.)
(Chandler hands him the cigarette, and he takes a long drag.)
Chandler: Oh. (takes the cassette and puts it on his arm like the stop smoking patch, and it falls off.) Nope, that patch is no good. (Joey and Monica both do their fake laughs.)
Frank: Yeah, so we just thought wed stop by and let you know theres still no pressure.
[Scene: Chandler's office building. Joey and Jeannie are talking.]
Rachel: Oh right, cause you always pull your pants down at the count of three and play Wipe-out on your butt cheeks.
Phoebe: (laughing and banging her spoon on the table) Knock, knock, knock, knock, hi. Um, could you please tell Sergei that um, I was fascinated by what Boutros Boutros Gali said in the New York Times.
Phoebe: But, also, what happened between you and your Mom?
(Both Chandler and Phoebe have shocked looks on their faces.)
Ross: And so now you guys are gonna be married?
Phoebe: All right, y'know forget hypnosis. The way to quit smoking is you have to dance naked in a field of heather, and then bath in the sweat of six healthy young men.
Alice: And he was my best student.
Monica: And y'know what, I just realised, in the last year Ive only gone out with two guys, Richard and Julio. You gotta help me out here, you gotta set me up, you gotta get me back in the game.
Monica: Havent you and I covered that topic?
Rachel: Well, that shouldnt be a problem. I mean I work in fashion and all I meet are eligible straight men.
Pete: Well, if that were true, Id dating my Aunt Ruth. And the two times we went out were just plain awkward. (to Rachel) Come on, you think she should go out with me, dont you?
Monica: Aww, the only reason you want to go out with me because my blond wig, and the big boobs, and the fact that I serve you food.
Phoebe: Huh? Can you just imagine getting down on one knee and handing her this gorgeous piece of weaponry?
Ross: Pheebs, if you dont tell him, soon hes gonna be married, and then youre gonna hate yourself.
Phoebe: Yeah, but if I do tell him, then hes gonna hate myself. I mean look at him and his Mom, I cant. (pause) But, you guys can, please you gotta talk him out of it.
Ross and Joey: No.
Ross and Joey: No-no-no-no-no. (They start to turn away, but Phoebe stops them, and turns them back to face her.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Monica are entering.]
Phoebe: No, I know, I know, that this is Franks life, (walks behind them, they turn around in the leather chairs to face her) y'know. Y'know, I dont want to be all judgmental, y'know, but this is sick, its sick and wrong!
Rachel: Hey Mon, lets give Pete a chance Come on, he was funny, he seems really nice, and that check thing was adorable.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Joey are talking to Frank.]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, its after Ross and Joeys talk with Frank, and Phoebes is finding out what happened.]
(As Phoebe stands there in shock and disbelief, Chandler comes out of the bathroom and walks to his bedroom. Hes just got out of the shower and has the towel wrapped around himself high across his chest, and another towel wrapped around his head, like women wear towels. Joey watches Chandler wondering what the hell hes doing.)
Chandler: And then Tineals.
Ross: First of all its Professor Pittain! And second of all, that little bone, proved that, that particular dinosaur had wings, but didnt fly.
[Scene: Phoebes, she is coming home. She turns on the lights, and sits down on the couch.]
Ross: Yeah, marriage... stinks! I mean if you wanna see a man gain weight and a woman stop shaving? Get them married.
Phoebe: No, Im really okay with this. Yknow why? Cause look at them, and I made that, so I know its gonna be like a million times harder to give up a baby but, oh my God, its gonna feel like a million times better, right? I wanna do this. (To Frank and Alice) I wanna carry your baby.
Monica: Phoebe, you have to lift it and point.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is getting Monica ready for her date. The guys are also there. The door buzzes.]
Phoebe: Yeah well, maybe she shouldve spent a little less time decorating and a little more time in the bedroom.
[Scene: Phoebes, Frank is watching TV, and hes very depressed as Phoebe enters.]
(He starts to walk to the bathroom and hears the hypnosis tape from Chandlers bedroom.)
Pete: One meal! Thats all Im asking for. Please? We go out, we eat, and if you dont have a good time, I give you ten grand, we call it even.
(Chandler wakes up and stares at the tape.)
(Gunther gets this hurt expression on his face and goes into the back room)
Ross: Okay, 'you' can't, or (Points to Chandler) you can't? (Chandler grabs his finger) Okay, that's my finger. (Chandler twists it and Ross goes down on one knee) That's, that's my knee. (To Central Perk) Still doing the play. Aaah!
[Scene: The hallway between the two apartments, Pete and Monica are returning from their date.]
Ross: Oh, and also, hes, hes walkin kind of funny, his left leg is moving a lot faster than his right leg, and hes in there just sort of y'know... (walks around in a circle)
Pete: (turns off the TV) Youre taking this all wrong. Because, if I didnt leave you that tip, you wouldnt of come down here, we wouldnt be having this argument, and there wouldnt be this ah, heat between us.
(She goes into her apartment and sees Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross sitting there.)
Monica: All right then. (He leans in to kiss her goodnight, but she quickly kisses him on the cheek and pats his shoulder.) Bye.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is repacking the furniture into boxes to return it.]
Monica and Phoebe: Oh.
Chandler: Wow!! Can Joey and I put them on and fight?
Monica: Hes great! I mean we have such a good time together! Hes so funny, and sooo sweet, and Im not attracted to him at all!!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is waiting for Janice to arrive, and is angrily fllipping through a magazine.]
Joey: Good. (He sets his stuff down and starts talking to Kate, another cast member.) Hey.
(She goes over to the snack table, and Joey quickly runs over and pours her a cup of coffee.)
(Shes interrupted by a loud crash and the sound of braking dishes. Followed quickly by another crash. Everyone turns and looks at the back room, as Gunther emerges.)
Rachel: Okay sir, um-mm, let see if I got this right. Ah, so this is a half-caf, double tall, easy hazel nut, non-fat, no foam, with whip, extra hot latte, right? (the guy nods) Okay, great. (she starts to walk away and under her breath) You freak.
Rachel: I mean I think Id say no to anybody right now. (Hearing this Gunther swoops back to cleaning tables.) Oh, but it was so strange. I mean Im standing there with this charming, cute guy, whos asking me to go out with him, which Im allowed to do, and I felt guilty. Y'know, like Id be cheating on Ross or something.
Chandler and Joey: Hey!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is there as Ross enters, walking very confidently.]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is telling Chandler about Kate.]
Phoebe: Oh, I-I gave them the puppy and it made them so happy that I decided Im gonna carry their baby.
Rachel: Oh, y'know, its just like hats, and a shirt, and CDs, just sort of stuff that youve left here.
Ross: Well I'm thinking that Chandler's our friend and Janice makes him happy, so I say we just all be adult about it and accept her.
Ross: Small... (Rachel comes back into the living room and catches Ross mocking her.)
Chandler: And youre our age. Youre our age.
[Scene: Central Perk, the gang minus Rachel and Ross are talking to Pete.]
Joey: Oh, and Mississ-Pete is?
[Scene: The Theatre, Joey and Kate are rehearsing for the play.]
Joey: Well, why dont you tell me what youre supposed to be! Huh? Because I sure as hell cant figure it out! I talk to you and nothin. You look at me, and its nothin. (He kisses her) Nothing.
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Ross are returning from working out.]
Chandler: Maybe we finish this for him! (he sits down on the sofa and he start typing on Ross' computer) "Also I cloned a dinosaur in my lab. She's now my girlfriend. I don't care what society says. It's the best sex I've ever had"... aaand SEND!
[Rachel comes out of her apartment, followed by Mark, and they leave on their date, without saying a word to Ross. Ross is stunned.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are sitting at the table.]
Ross: No!! Y'know-y'know dont do me any favours. In fact, where, wheres the rest of my stuff?! Huh? Like-like my umm, (picks up a book) Hey, this book is mine!! And-and-and, and that T-shirt you sleep in? Id like that back too. Yes, I do.
(He starts to exit, but Chandler tries to stop him by climbing on his back and grabbing hold of the foosball table.)
Ross: I dont know, but I ah, I have the feeling that my being there will do it. Ill go over and I will borrow something. Juice!! I need juice!!
Chandler: Listen to me!! (Chandler turns him around and closes and holds the door shut with his feet.)
(She sits down, and Mark leans over and kisses her. Rachel doesnt react. He tries it again, and Rachel jumps back quickly.)
Chandler: I am your friend, and I am not gonna let you do this!! (Ross is now dragging Chandler and the foosball table to the door) You are surprisingly strong!
Mark: No. And I dont think Im gonna want to.
(They both kiss, and Richard picks her up and goes over to the bed and starts to lie down.)
Ross: Yeah and he didnt really ask for you, he asked for Chancy, I assumed he meant you.
Ross: Look, you guys, you guys should go. (Joey tries to say something, but Ross cuts him off.) No, Im, you, you planned this all out, and I dont want to ruin it, so you guys should just go.
Mark: Yeah. I can just go home and get back at him by myself.
Chandler: And hats off to Phoebe. Quite a competitor. (Pause) And might I say your breasts are still showing.
[Scene: A Hospital Reception, Monica and Pete are there.]
Chandler: Oh-ho, come here. (goes and hugs her) Listen, you are one of my favourite people and the most beautiful woman Ive ever known in real life.
MRS GREEN: Oh, am I! I just danced with a wonderfully large woman. And three other girls made eyes at me over the buffet. Oh, I'm not saying it's something I wanna pursue, but it's nice to know I have options.
(She is rubbing his chest and her voice trails off into silence, a long pause follows.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is sitting in one of the black chairs, and turns to face the other one.]
Pete: Come on, you gotta admit that our relationship is ah, is hitting a new level now. Cause you used to be like the chef, and I was the customer, and now were like this-this couple that fights.
[Scene: The Theatre, Kate and Joey are rehearsing the same scene as before.]