words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is sitting in the living room and Phoebe is standing in the kitchen as the phone rings.]
[Cut to Las Vegas, Joey is on the phone and wearing his gladiator costume.]
[Cut to Monica and Rachel's]
Joey: Uhh, my stunt double. Yeah, and y'know, he's getting a little too familiar for my tastes.
Chandler: (To Phoebe) Y'know what? I have been trying to apologize to him all week! If he's not gonna let me do it on the phone, I'm gonna go down there and do it in person.
Chandler: No-no-no-no, I've supported you one hundred percent and I want to prove that to you in person!
Joey: Uh, Entertainment Tonight. [Cut to Chandler] Yeah, okay so, good talking to ya and don't come out here. All right. (Hangs up the phone and poses for that picture.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering.]
Monica: It was, it was really nice. We started talking and I-I ended up having lunch with him.
Monica: The strange part was, he was really nice, umm and he looks great, but I didn't feel anything at all!
Monica: Because it would totally freak him out and tomorrow's our anniversary. I just don't want anything to spoil that.
Monica: (grabbing the gift from him and opening it) Okay! There you go! It's two tickets to Vegas!
Monica: Oh, he just doesn't want us to go through any trouble. Think of how excited he'll be when we go out and surprise him! Plus we get to have our own, ani-Vegas-ary! A-Nevadaversary!
Chandler: Y'know Pheebs, it's kinda our (His and Monica's) anniversary.
Ross: So Rach, maybe you and I could fly out together Saturday.
Ross: Yeah? All right I'll call the airlines. (Picks up the phone and does so)
[Scene: An airplane cabin, Phoebe has the aisle seat, Chandler the window, and Monica's stuck in that horrible middle seat.]
Phoebe: Ah-ha! Okay, (takes out a notepad) Las Vegas 1, London 0! I'll be right back. (Gets up and heads aft.)
Chandler: Okay! (He grabs his carryon and starts rummaging through it.) Oh man! Dont tell me I did this!
Monica: Okay, I umm, I ran into Richard yesterday and he asked me if I wanted to go for a bite and I did. The only reason I didn't tell you is because I knew you'd get mad and I didn't want to spoil our anniversary.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is coming out of the bathroom after a shower wearing only her bath robe, walks into the kitchen, and opens the fridge. As she bends over to grab a bottle of wine, her robe falls open (Damn this network primetime programming, we didn't see anything!) and she quickly closes it again. But then realizes she didn't have to do that. So she closes the fridge and stands next to the table, thinks about it for a little while and ]
Rachel: (takes off her robe) Oh! Look what happened! {Don't get your hopes up guys, we only get to see her from the back or from the neck up. Its times like these I wish that the networks would broadcast some nudity other than Denis Franz's butt.} (In her head.) Huh, check me out! I'm in my kitchen naked! I'm picking up an orange. (Does so) I'm naked! (Goes into the living room) Lighting the candles, naked, and carefully. (She backs anything that might have a point like a candle on her body away.)
[Cut to Ross's apartment, he's sitting by his window looking at an art book. As he's turning the page, he glances up and notices something.]
[Cut back to Monica and Rachel's apartment, Rachel is singing along with a song and dancing while facing the big picture window. Y'know, I think I'd pay real good money to be on the other side of that window!]
Rachel: (singing) Love to love ya baby! Ow! Love to love ya baby! Ow! (There's a knock on the door, she turns off the music, puts on her robe, and goes to answer the door.) Love to love ya, baby! (There's another knock.) Darnit! (Looks through the peephole and turns on the lights.) Ugh. (She opens the door to Ross who's leaning against the door jam.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the scene is continued from where we left off before the break.]
Rachel: And um, what-what is that Ross?
Ross: No! No! (Grabs his coat) No! (Grabs a shoe.) No-no-no-no. (Grabs the other one and heads for the door.)
[Scene: Las Vegas, we have the typical glamour shots of Vegas, the Strip, slot machines, a couple other gaming tables all set to the tune of you guessed it, Money. Anyhoo, we finally get through that and watch Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe enter Caesar's Palace carrying their luggage.]
Phoebe: Hey you guys wait! Guys! (Catches up to them.) This place is so much better than London! Okay? This lady dressed like Cleopatra gave me a coupon, 99 cent steak and lobster dinner. Huh!
Phoebe: Hey! Joey! (They all head over to him, he spots them coming and panics.) Hey! Hey!! Wow! (She hugs him.)
Joey: They uh director. Uhh, her. (Points to an old woman standing behind him. Who glares at him and walks off.) All right, all right, it's not a gladiator movie. I work here.
Chandler: When you go lunching with hunky moustache men and don't tell me about it!
[Scene: An aircraft cabin, Ross and Rachel are on their way to Vegas.]
[Scene: Chandler's hotel room, he's sitting there with Joey who's talking about his helmet and running his hand through that feathery thing at the top.]
Joey: Yeah, sure! Sure! They would uh, they would scrub the floors with it! They would use it to get the mud off their shoe. And sometimes underneath the horse would get dirty so they would stick it right
Joey: Yeah-yeah, he was playing blackjack for like an hour and he won $5,000. Can you believe that? $5,000!
Chandler: Y'know, if I won $5,000 I'd join a gym, y'know build up my upper body and hit Richard from behind with a stick! (Mimics it.)
Joey: Wait a minute! Why don't I do what that guy did? I'll take this $100 and turn it into $5,000! And then I'll turn that into enough money to get my movie going again!
[Scene: The casino bar, Phoebe and Monica are sitting at the bar, while Wayne Newton's signature song Danke Schoen is playing in the background.]
Phoebe: Y'know Monica you had a minor setback in your relationship with Chandler. Big deal! It's only Chandler. (Monica turns and stares at her.) I am so sorry.
Phoebe: So go fix it! Go find Chandler! He's probably up in your room! Tell him that you're sorry and that you love him.
[Cut to the casino, Monica is walking through it past the craps table when she notices a chip on the floor. She picks it up and heads to the table.]
Monica: Anybody lose this? (Holds up the chip and the woman next to her shakes her head no.)
The Croupier: Comin' out. Place your bet. (Monica does so.) Dice are out. (The woman next to Monica rolls the dice.) Double or nothin'! Pay the front line! (Monica won and doubled the chip.)
[Scene: An airplane cabin, Ross and Rachel are both reading as a guy stops by their row.]
(Ross keeps giggling and Rachel decides upon revenge. She gets up and kisses the rather large man in the seat in front of Ross on the back of his head. The guy turns around angrily.)
[Time lapse, Ross is drinking something and decides to get Rachel again.]
[Time lapse, Rachel pushes the flight attendant call button, takes Ross's drink, and spills it into his lap.]
Rachel: (to the flight attendant who appears in record time. It was only seconds after Rachel pushed the call button was she there. Once again, more proof that TV isn't real, IRL she would've been waiting for the rest of the flight and by then Ross's pants would be dry.) Hi!
Joey: Hit me! (He does so.) Ohh man! (Joey busts and loses all the money, but when the dealer starts to collect the cards Joey notices something.) Wait! (He holds his hand next to the dealer's hand.)
(Joey starts to leave to embark on his genius moneymaking scheme, but is freaked out slightly when as he goes to open the door, there's a mysterious knock. He calms himself down and opens the door to reveal Phoebe.)
Chandler: Okay. (He gets up and goes to find her.)
Phoebe: Good. (After he leaves, she puts on Joey's gladiator helmet and checks herself out in the mirror) I should really start wearing hats!
[Scene: Caesar's Palace Casino, Chandler is looking for Monica while Tom Jones's signature song is playing in the background (Getting the theme yet? Tom Jones, Wayne Newton, casinos They're in Vegas people! Catch up!) It's Not Unusual, y'know, "It's not unusual to be loved by anyone! It's not unusual to have fun with anyone! But when I see you hanging about with anyone, it's not unusual to see me cry! I wanna die." Well, while that's playing he spots Monica playing craps and in victory hug the guy next to her. Chandler turns and walks out.]
[Scene: That same plane cabin, Ross is working on a crossword puzzle and Rachel is asleep against his shoulder. She shifts a little bit and Ross suddenly gets an idea. An evil idea when he looks at his pen. Then we have a little time lapse, the plane has landed and everyone is disembarking. The flight attendant is saying bye-bye to everyone.]
(Rachel approaches and we see the fruits of Ross's evil plan. He has drawn a moustache and beard on Rachel. The flight attendant just ignores it.)
[Scene: The casino, Ross and Rachel are entering.]
(A young boy sees Rachel, points, and starts laughing.)
Rachel: Hello! (She makes a face and the kid laughs harder. Finally, his parents drag him off.) Ohh, kids love me.
Phoebe: (sees Ross and Rachel) Hey!
Phoebe: (sees Rachel's face) What? Did you go to a costume party? Let me guess umm Pancho Vila? (Points at Rachel) and you're Bob Saget. (An old lady has sat down at the slot machine Phoebe was just at.)
Rachel: What are you talking about Pheebs? (Takes out her compact) I don't (She gasps when she looks in the mirror and sees her face.) (To Ross) Oh my God, you drew on me?!
Ross: Rach! Wait! The men's room is that way. (Points in the other direction. Rachel hits him with her purse and heads for the ladies room.)
Ross: Okay when you're playing a machine and it hasn't paid out, a lurker waits for you to give up and then
Ross: No. They swoop in and steal your jackpot.
Joey: Who's your friend? He's hot! (Ross laughs and Rachel smacks him with her purse.)
Monica: What? Wait! Why? (He turns and heads for the door and she chases after him.) Chandler! Chandler! Wait! Im sorry, I was just playing for one second! I was trying to find you to tell you that, look if you don't want me to see Richard again, I won't! He means nothing to me!
Chandler: Come on! I was there! (He's propped up with his hand on a statute of a naked guy. He winces and pulls his hand away.) I know he's the love of your life.
Monica: Really! (They hug and kiss) All right? Let's forget about this going home stuff and celebrate our anniversary. (She picks up his suitcase.) Okay, this is empty.
[Scene: A blackjack table, it's the same one Joey's hand twin was working at, only he's not there anymore and has been replaced by a beautiful woman.]
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's hotel room, Rachel is still trying to get the ink off and Ross is on the phone to the company. Wait a minute, why exactly are they sharing a hotel room? Didn't they like break-up or something? Did I miss a memo? Or maybe, it's just foreshadowing things to come. Who knows? Maybe the answer's at the bottom of the page. Then again, maybe it isn't and it's just one of those things TV writers just don't explain. Anyhoo ]
Ross: (on the phone) Yes, hello. I have a question. Umm, I used your pen to draw on my friend's face. (Listens) A beard and a moustache. (Listens and laughs) Thank you. (Rachel turns around and glares at him.) No, she didn't think so. (Listens) I know it's like (turns and sees Rachel staring at him and quickly changes the subject) anyway, umm well make-up didn't cover it and we've tried everything to get it off and nothing's worked. What-what do we do? (Listens) Yeah. (Listens) Uh-huh. (Listens) Yeah. (Listens) Oh! Okay. (Listens) Okay, thank you! (Rachel gets excited at his tone.) (Hangs up the phone) Yeah, it's not coming off.
Ross: Umm, he said he thought I was funny. So (Rachel stares at him.) Okay, look-look umm, let's just go downstairs, we'll have some fun, and you will forget all about it.
Ross: Look, just because some idiot drew on your face doesn't mean you shouldn't have any fun! Okay? And besides, hey-hey-hey no one is even gonna look at you. Okay? This is Vegas! Hello! There are tons of other freaks here! (Rachel turns around and glares at him.) There are tons of freaks here. No other. No. Come on! No one will notice, I swear!
Ross: Okay, there was some staring and pointing.
Ross: Oh, hey y'know, they-they really overcharge you for that stuff. (Rachel glares at him.) But who cares?! Because it's all on me! (Rachel reaches into the fridge and pulls out two handfuls of those mini booze bottles.) (Watching her.) That is, one big drink!
Rachel: Nope! (She puts one in her mouth and spits it out, then does it again in another direction.)
[Scene: The Men's room, Joey is entering and sees his hand twin washing his hands.]
Joey: Oh-oh-oh, yeah! (He grabs some towels and takes them to him.) That's right, you take good care of those babies!
Joey: Look, you and I have been given a gift. Okay? We have to do something with it. Like-like, hand modeling! Huh? Or-or magic! And you know NASA's gonna wanna talk to us!
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's room, Ross is drinking a beer while Rachel is examining herself in the mirror.]
Ross: (gets up) All right. Y'know what? We dont have to go downstairs! We can bring Vegas up to us! (He grabs a deck of cards and pulls up a chair.) All right, come on, come on, we'll play some blackjack. Here we go. (Deals the cards.) 13.
[Scene: The Craps Table, Monica is still on her roll, only this time Chandler's with her and she has a huge crowd of people around.]
Chandler: Thank you, Mister Drunken Gambler! Okay, you get this and uh, we get the biggest suite in the place! (Everyone cheers) Wait-wait-wait-wait! We (motions to Monica and him.) get the biggest suite in the place.
Chandler: Okay, okay, I tell you what. You roll another hard eight; (pause) and we get married here tonight.
Chandler: You roll another hard eight and we get married here tonight.
Chandler: Okay, so if an eight comes up, we take it as a sign and we do it! {Whoa! Where have I heard that before? Matthew Perry talking about signs in Las Vegas. I guess it must've been some movie I saw.} What do you say?
Chandler: (spots one) Okay! That's a four! And where-where's the other one?
(He searches to his right; she searches to her left. They're both on their hands and knees when they spot the die. It's propped up against the table leg, and it's not lying flat. Both the four and the five are showing.)
(Cue up the music as they move in and kiss. This time I think it's Perry Como, but I'm not sure. It's Everybody loves somebody, sometime! Everybody falls in love somehow! Something in your kiss, just told me, my sometime, is now!)
Phoebe: Oh well, lost again. (She gets up and slowly moves away. The lurker scurries in and takes her spot, only this time Phoebe set a trap for her and catches her in the act.) That's it! You and me, outside!
Phoebe: Yeah, from now on everyone you lurk, I'm gonna lurk first! You move on to someone else, I'm gonna be one step ahead of you, every single time! And then I'll be on your ass every hour of every day 'til Monday, because that's when I go home. When do you leave?
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's room, they've pretty much consumed the entire mini-bar. Needless to say, they're feeling no pain and are still playing blackjack.]
Rachel: Yeah, and also we need more umm, drinks. Hold on a second. (Gets up but stumbles a little bit.) Whup, okay. (She makes it to the phone and picks it up, without dialing.) Hello! Vegas? Yeah, we would like some more alcohol, and y'know what else? We would like some more beers. Hello? Ohh, I forgot to dial!
Ross: That must be our alcohol and beers! (Gets up to answer it.)
Rachel: Ohh, I love Joey! Joey lives with a duck! (Goes and hugs Joey.)
Ross: I'll do it. Hey, whatever you need me to do, I'm your man. (He starts to sit down on the bed. There's one problem though, he's about two feet to the left of it. Needless to say, he misses and falls on his butt.) (Looking up at Joey.) Whoa-oh-whoa! Are you, are you okay?
Joey: Yeah! I'm fine! Thanks! (He starts to leave, but gets an idea and stops.) Hey Rach, how you doin'?
[Cut to the casino, a very drunk and doodled on Rachel is walking arm in arm with an equally drunk and doodled on Ross are walking through the casino and greeting people on their way through. Ross has some whiskers and his nose colored in, along with his name on his forehead.]
Ross: Excuse me sir, you've got a little something right here. (He points to the corner of his mouth and they both laugh.)
Ross and Rachel: (bowing) Hello!
(They both continue on and Ross meows like a cat.)
[Scene: The slot machines, we see some guy not having any luck. Both Phoebe and the Lurker are lurking him and each stick their heads around the corner at different times This is all set to that Pink Panther song. Finally the guy gives up and walks past the lurker's position, thus giving her the advantage. She scurries in and quickly drops a coin in the slot before Phoebe gets there. Phoebe arrives slightly later and pulls the arm just after the lurker deposits the coin and wins.]
[Scene: The Gift Shop, Monica and Chandler are entering.]
Monica: Okay, come on, I can't get married until I get something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue.
Chandler: Okay, all right, all right, all right! Okay! (Picks up a blue sweater.) Okay, here's something, here's something blue and new.
(She does so and it makes her look pregnant.)
[Scene: A blackjack table, Joey is moving in to try and get his hand twin (who's dealing) to join him in his evil plot to rule the world! "Join me, and together we'll rule the universe as father and son!" (Sorry, I had a little Star Wars creep in thereOoh, I have a big spoiler for The Phantom Menace, Yoda lives at the end! Ha-ha, spoiled it! Now you don't have to see it!)]
Joey: (throws down a small wad of money, and as his hand twin starts to unfold it, Joey once again brings attention to their special gift to the world. {Y'know, looking at it now, they really don't have that similar of hands. Joey's are bigger.}) Ooh-ho-ho! (The dealer stares at him and he stops.)
Phoebe: (entering and sitting down at the table.) Hello. My name is Regina Phalange. I'm a businesswoman in town on business. Would you like to see my card? (Looks down) Ooh, what did I do with my file-a-facts? I must've left it in conference room B.
Joey's Hand Twin: (To Joey) If you leave now, I will chop off my hand and give it too you!
(The security guard from before approaches and Phoebe tries to turn her back on him.)
[Scene: A Little White Chapel, Chandler and Monica are entering.]
Chandler and Monica: All right.
(Suddenly the doors burst open, and ROSS AND RACHEL COME OUT ARM-IN-ARM!!!!! And Rachel's carrying a bouquet!!! THEY GOT MARRIED!!!!)
(She goes one way; he goes the other. The camera pans back to Chandler and Monica, and needless to say, they're standing there dumbstruck as The King's (Elvis Presley to the yougin's) Viva, Las Vegas begins to play. Sing along with me now, "Viva! Las Vegas! Vivaaaaaa! Vivaaaaa! Las Vegassssss!!" Fade to Black.)
[That's all folks, no teaser; just the big cliffhanger for season 6. Yes, there will be a season 6, and it'll start again in September. Have a good summer everyone!]
Ross: A new place for a new Ross. I'm gonna have you and all the guys from work over once it's y'know, furnished.
Joey: Oh, come on! Last night I was finishing off a pizza and she said (aping Amy badly) "Uoh oh oh, a moment on the lips, forever on the hips!" I don’t need that kind of talk in my house!
[Scene: Ross' apartment, Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon (the original, not that cruddy Urge Overkill version) is playing. Ross and Celia are kissing passionately.]
Joey: Oh uh, me and Ross can be the judges.
Phoebe: Ohh, Im getting too pregnant for this, lugging around a stupid massage table. Yknow, I have to find a job where I carrying a smaller table. (She goes over and stands in front of the TV.)
Ross: Remember the Russian satellite, Sputnik? (They all look at him.) Well, Im a potato or a spud. And these are my antennae. (Points to the colander with an old TV antenna glued on top that hes wearing.) So Sputnik, becomes (Theyre still confused) Spud-nik. Spudnik!
JOEY: All right.� All right.� Then, maybe you won't mind if me and my friend take a look around, huh?� (He checks the bathroom shaking the bat.� Then he proceeds to their bedroom.)� Bwa-ah-ah!
Monica: Ohhh, I knew you loved her! Then you need to go to the airport and tell her. Youre probably just gonna catch her just as shes about to go to the gate. Youre gonna call out her name and say, "I love you!" And shes gonna say, "I love you, too!" And you guys are going to have the most amazing kiss, everyone at the gate will applaud.
Phoebe: (pointing at Mike and shouting) I sleep with him!
Rachel: Perfect. Fasten your seatbelts, it's peepee time. (She goes into Joey and Chandler's apartment, where Mr. Tribbiani is reading the paper) Hey, Mr. Trib.
[Scene: A couch store, Ross is trying to decide on a new couch for his place. He has dragged Rachel along for the trip, and she's not too happy about it. Ross is sitting on it in different ways to see how it feels. He tries to just sit on it normally, and then he tries flopping on it. One thing about this couch, it's huge. It's like twice the size of a normal full size couch. Whoever designed this thing, needs help and fast.]
[Scene: Street, Phoebe is being followed by some guy, as they pass a flower vendor. Phoebe turns around and the guy quickly picks up some flowers and continues following her.]
(We see Joey who has puffed up his cheeks and Chandler nonchalantly reaches down and pinches Joeys nose shut. In a few seconds, Joey has to move because hes now forced to actually hold his breath.)
(She opens the door to reveal Chandler and Ross. Unfortunately, they seem to have their holidays mixed up. They think it's Halloween and they're going as Crockett and Tubbs from that legendary TV show of the late 80's, Miami Vice. God, we looked silly back then!)
Phoebe: Oh my God!! (She grabs Rachels hand and drags her towards Monica.) Excuse me! Excuse me! (Shes knocking women and veils out of the way as she moves.)
Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah thats too bad. I really want to go to his concert Friday night, but its totally sold out. I know! Why dont you meet him and get tickets?! If you get two Ill take you.
Joey: Yeah, I-I-I'm down with that. (He turns back to the woman.) Okay, here goes. (Thinks.) How (Holds up his hand like an Indian) you (Points at her) a-doin'? (Does a little twisting motion with both hands and ends up pointing at her, he then winks. She smiles and waves again.) (To Monica) It worked! She's waving me over. (Towards the woman.) Okay, I-I-I'll be right over. Let's see, she's on the third floor
[Scene: Monica and Phoebes, Monica is vacuuming.]
Richard: Its so great seeing you guys again. Id like to make a toast. (Everyone raises their glasses) Uh, as a poet once said, "In the sweetness of friendship, let there be laughter and sharing of pleasures for in the due of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed."
Rachel: Come on you guys! Listen, if Emily knew I was here having dinner you with you she would flip out and you know it. It's okay, I really I don't mind.
Mrs. Bing: Oh, please, honey, listen, if I can do it, anybody can. You just start with half a dozen European cities, throw in thirty euphemisms for male genitalia, and bam! You have got yourself a book.
Ross: Nah ah! Nah ah! (stops him form doing so) No no no! No ad-libbing and dude, you can't touch the paintings.
Rachel: Oh, please, I don't care about you enough to bug me. In fact, from now on, I'm going take the high road. And I'm going be very very nice to you, you "momma's boy", starting right now.
Rachel: You see, now, I would date this girl. Shes cute, shes outdoorsy, you know, and she knows how to build a fire. I mean, thats got to come in handy
Joey: (voice-over) Oh-oh! And then Rosss new girlfriend, Bonnie, shows up and Rachel convinced her to save her head. And then Ross and Rachel kiss, and now Ross has to choose between Rachel and the bald girl and I dont know what happened there either...
Minister: Friends. Family. We are gathered to celebrate here today the joyous union of Ross and Emily. May the happiness we share with them today be with them always. Now Emily, repeat after me. I, Emily...
Melissa: anyway, his name is Allan and weve been going out for three years. He was my first client when I became a party planner. He was planning a party for his girlfriend at the time. Oh well. (Rachel and Phoebe politely laugh) And he was Theta Beta Pi at Syracuse.
Rachel: Right! But, none of that compared to how kind and-and how gentle and thoughtful he is. (Rubbing his shoulder.)
Chandler: The Bings have horrible marriages! They yell. They fight. And they use the pool boy as a pawn in their sexual games!
Chandler: Honey, it is not a date! I havent talked to her in ten years! You cant just call up somebody you havent talked to in ten years and ask them for a favor. There are rules, yknow? You gotta, you got to put in some time.
Phoebe: No that's not true. If you're not moving forward, you're just staying still. And staying still is good. Watch this. (She stays still for a brief second.)
Chandler: I know you probably dont want to go out with me, yknow because I make too many jokes and Ive never been in a serious relationship and I guess Im not technically a "doctor "
(He moves Rosss coat to get the tissues and the engagement ring box Mrs. Geller gave him falls out of the pocket it was inside. Joey goes to one knee, picks up the box, opens it, and sees that its an engagement ring.)
MONICA: All right people, we're in trouble here. We've only got 12 hours and 36 minutes left. Move, move, move!
Joey: Are you kidding? Rachel loves to shop! And she has great taste! Yeah, she's the one who taught me, you don't wear white after labour day and that you always, always, always have to put on underwear when you're trying on clothes.
JOEY: Well, what about the fact that you insulted the bracelet and you made fun of me?
ROSS: [puts the message in the cupboard] I don't know, I don't get, I don't get it, I mean, wh, wh, two months ago Rachel and I were like, this close. Right now, what, I'm takin messages from guys she, she meets at the movies? I mean this, this Casey should be takin' down my messages, ya know, or, or, Rachel and I should be together and, and we should get some kind of me, message service.
(Chandler nods along and they enter the whirlpool room and remove their robes. Only Chandler is lacking a certain item of clothing. You see this is a coed whirlpool, which means swimsuits, and in fact there are two women already there and Chandler didnt seem to wear his. Needless to say, everyone is shocked, including Chandler.)
Joey: Good evening. Im Mr. Tribbiani. And I will be teaching acting for soap operas. Now um, on my first day as (proudly) Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our Lives, (looks for a reaction from his students, and gets none.) I learned that one of the most important things in soap opera acting is reacting, this does not mean acting again, it means, you dont have a line, but someone else just did. And it goes like this. (looks all intense for a moment and then gasps, the students cheer him) Thanks, thanks, a lot. Oh, by the way, before I forget to work in soap operas some of you will have to become much more attractive. All right, moving right along.
Rachel: Thank you. (Mr. Thompson walks away and after hes left.) Okay, (writing her bid down) twenty dollars.
Kathy: Well, uh, when Joey gave it to me, he said, "This is 'cause I know ya like Rabbits, and I know ya like cheese." Thanks. I love it. And I know how hard it must have been for you to find.
Chandler: In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy.
Joey: Well whats complicated? You spin the Wheel of Mayhem to go up the Ladder of Chance. You go past the Mud Hut through the Rainbow Ring to get to the Golden Monkey; you yank his tail and boom! Youre in Paradise Pond!
Joey: (on phone) Uh huh.. uh huh... oh my God! Okay! Okay, I'll be there! (He hangs up and to all.) That was my agent. (He tosses and catches the phone.) My agent has just gotten me a job...in the new Al Pacino movie!
Phoebe: Im sorry I wont be able to make it to your imaginary wedding, but Im really busy that day. Yeah, I already have a unicorn baptism and a leprechaun bar mitzvah.
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Die Hard has ended, only I dont think Joey and Ross know that yet. As you see, they are both asleep. And theyre on the same couch. Which means theyre sleeping together. Not like Joey is at one end and Ross is on the other, they both happen to be lying down and sleeping together. Well, there hasnt been any clothes removed so not that kind of sleeping together. Not that theres anything wrong with that. That is unless youre a Republican in which that kind of thing will bring about the downfall of Western society, especially if they should happen to want to get married. Anyway, let me recap. No, there is too much, let me sum up. Ross and Joey are taking a nap together on top of each other and both wake-up at the same time, realize what they just did, scream, and jump up.]
Phoebe: Yeah no, Im telling you Rachel has such a great eye for this stuff. Ross, yknow if you ever decide you need to redecorateAnd I think that you should. You should, you should ask Rachel to help.
(They start to go into Monica and Rachels, their apartment is filled with all of the old Christmas trees from Joeys work.)
Phoebe: Oh, well that's ok. I think you and I will do much better if you're just... here as a bridesmaid.
Rachel: Barry, I'm sorry... I am so sorry... I know you probably think that this is all about what I said the other day about you making love with your socks on, but it isn't... it isn't, it's about me, and I ju- (She stops talking and dials the phone.) Hi, machine cut me off again... anyway...look, look, I know that some girl is going to be incredibly lucky to become Mrs. Barry Finkel, but it isn't me, it's not me. And not that I have any idea who me is right now, but you just have to give me a chance too... (The maching cuts her off again and she redials.)
Ross: That is a great idea! And! I know Ugly Naked Guy because we've been watching him for like five years so that gives me back my edge! Oh, let's see now he had the trampoline.
Joey: (sadly) There will come a time in each of your careers when youll have a chance to screw over another soap opera actor. I had such an opportunity in the recent, present. And Im ashamed to say that I took it, I advised a fellow actor to play a role, homosexually. Yeah, we both auditioned for the part, and uh, as it turned out, they ah, they liked the stupid gay thing and cast him. And now, hes got a two year contract opposite Susan Luchhi, the first lady of daytime television, and me, me Im stuck here teaching a bunch of people, most of whom are too ugly to even be on TV. Im sorry, Im sorry, Im sorry. (he gets a huge round of applause from his students.) Thank you.
Ross: (To Katie) Yeah, Im just gonna grab my coat. And uh, and my whip. (Katie looks worried.) Yknow because of the Indiana Jones? (Katie laughs) Not-not because Im-Im into S&M. (Katies worried again.) Im not-Im not into anything weird. Yknow? Just-just normal sex. (Katie is uncomfortable.) So, Im gonna grab my coat. (Does so, leaving Katie and Rachel alone.)
Rachel: Yeah. Yknow umm, uh, umm, about that, umm, Ross I really appreciate your offer to let me move in and everything, but dont you think its gonna be weird?
CHANDLER: You got a Cheeto on your face man.[Joey removes the Cheeto and eats it]
CHAN: Ok, all right, look. Let's get logical about this, ok? We'll make a list. Rachel and Julie, pros and cons. Oh. We'll put their names in bold, with different fonts, and I can use different colors for each column.
Ross: (picks up a surgical instrament and mimes a duck with it) Quack, quack..
Monica: (kneels with him) Chandler, umm, I want you to take just a minute and I want you to think about how ridiculous this sounds.
Phoebe: Forget her! You enjoy this!! (Pulls him back up and starts applauding again. Joey waves and does a salute.]
(Rachel stands there for a moment, starting to cry. Then gasps and runs over and hugs him. While hugging her, Ross tries to find the Does it? part in the letter.)
Joey: Not like we used to. Remember? You and me used to be inseparable. Yknow now its like things are different.
Monica: See, Ive been waiting my whole life to be engaged, and unlike some people Im only planning on doing this once. So, uh yknow, maybe this is selfish and Im sorry about it, but I was kinda hoping tonight could just be about that.
[He tries to blow it out, and obviously, it doesnt work. He runs over to the sink to get a glass of water to put out the fire, but since Monica is in the shower the water pressure is very low and takes a long time to fill the glass. In desperation he takes the half full glass over and dumps it on the fire, it doesnt work. He then picks up the dollhouse and considers bringing it over to the sink, but decides to take it into the bathroom and use the shower to put it out. He kicks open the door and we hear Monica scream at the top of her lungs.]
Joey: Monica-Monica-Monica-Monica, listen-listen, listen, listen, would-would it make you feel better if we all stop talking about Ross and Rachel.
Joey: No-no, stay right there. (Monica stops and Joey flips her a pancake, which flies over her head and lands in the living room.) Gettin closer.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica have gathered to hear Ross perform his interpretation of Celebration by Cool and the Gang on the bag pipe. Yes, I typed that earlier. Were seeing this again, only this time Ross as already started playing.]
Joey: Yeah! Yeah yknow, like warm up the crowd. Ask em where theyre from. Cause in Joey Tribbiani you get a minister and you get an entertainer. Im a minis-tainer! (Rapping) There is no one better! There is no one greater!
Phoebe: 'Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this- (Searches in her purse) -football phone as our free gift.' Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone!
Joey: Well uh, I wanted to have a few beers, but uh, I got rid of those because Rachel couldnt stand the smell of them. But I have thrown back a lot of orange juice with calcium though. And uh, its a couple weeks past its expiration date, so its got a bit of a kick.
Rachel: (thinks) Yknow, I dont-I dont know. Let me, let me check. (As she heads for her office, she stops glances over her should at Tag, looks into her office, and finds the folder on her desk.)
PHOEBE: I can see that, 'cause they both have those big brown eyes and, ya know, the little pouty chin. MONICA: And the fact that they're both monkeys.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Brenda is shaking out the rugs on the balcony as Monica pouts in the living room.]
Joey: I play Al Pacino's butt. All right? He goes into the shower, and then- I'm his butt. Monica: (trying not to laugh) Oh my God. Joey: C'mon, you guys. This is a real movie, and Al Pacino's in it, and that's big! Chandler: Oh no, it's terrific, it's- it's- y'know, you deserve this, after all your years of struggling, you've finally been able to crack your way into show business. Joey: Okay, okay, fine! Make jokes, I don't care! This is a big break for me! Ross: You're right, you're right, it is.
Chandler: 25J and K, any chance those arent together?
Phoebe: Im a lady Monica, I dont kiss and tell. But this hickey speaks for itself. (She starts to open up her blouse.)
Phoebe: Does a dog's lips move when he reads? (Joey makes an `I don't know' face, and looks to Chandler and Rachel, who're also stumped) Okay, no they don't.
(Gunther goes up to the guy and holds a sign that reads, "We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.")
Chandler: It's football... It's just football... This is great! This is the first time I've ever enjoyed football... It may be customary to get a beer... (Chandler walks to the fridge, his back turned to the TV and a moaning sound replaces the cheering of the crowd... Joey's eyes double in size...) What the... (Chandler turns around, but Joey already took a sprint for Chandler, jumps, and floors Chandler in the open space in front of the apartment door...) What are you doing?
Referee: Here we go gentlemen, here we go! (to Tank Abbott) Are you ready? (He nods, and takes out his teeth) (to Pete) Are you ready? (Pete nods, Yes.) Lets get it on!!
Joey: Rach?! (He walks over to the fridge to put it in, but it cannot be opened either) Rachel!!!!? (He walks to the bathroom and tries to lift the toilet seat cover. It won't come up.) So I can't do anything I like????
Phoebe: (crossing her fingers and closing her eyes) Please dont be a space ship. Please dont be a space ship. (She turns on the light and looks around and finds that its the smoke detector thats beeping.) Oh thank God! (She moves a chair over and starts to investigate how to make the beeping turn off, in frustration she yanks the thing off of the wall. She sets it down and heads for bed, just as she gets there it beeps again. She opens the cover and removes the battery, but it still beeps.) How could you be beeping?! I just disconnected you! I took out your battery! How can
CAROLINE: You know, my brother and his boyfriend have been trying to adopt for three years. What agency did you two go through?
[cut to a new scene, also in Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting, Phoebe is nearby.]
Ross: Okay, forward. ForwardStop! (The car moves an inch and Ross runs to the back of the car.) Okay, backStop! (The car barely moves and Ross runs back to the front.) Okay, forwardStop! Stop! Stop!
Rachel: Yeah. I'm-I'm telling you he's really sweet and he's really funny and he's just ugh, got a good heart. And besides, I y'know, I think he really likes you.
Chandler: (excited) Guys, guys, I've got great news! Guess what Joey: Uh, ah, Monica's pregnant?! Monica: (shocked) Really? (She looks around, suddenly embarrassed) Let's get past the moment. Phoebe: What's your news? Chandler: Thank you. I got a job in advertising. (Everybody cheers) Monica: (hugging Chandler) Oh, honey, that's incredible! Phoebe: (inquisitive) Gosh, what's the pay like? (Everybody stares at her indignantly) Oh, come on people (defending) come on, now, if I don't know who makes the most, how do I know who I like the most! (She looks at Joey) Hey Joey! (Joey winks at her) Chandler: Actually, it pays nothing. It's an internship. Joey: Oh, that's cool. We have interns at 'Days Of Our Lives'. Chandler: Right. So, it'll be the same except less sex with you. (Joey nods) Ross: So, uh, what kinda stuff do you think they'll have you do there? Chandler: Well, it's a training program, but at the end, they hire the people they like. Phoebe: (enthusiastic) That's great. Chandler: Yeah, I mean, there's probably gonna be some ground work which will probably stink, you know, grown man getting people coffee is a little humiliating (At the same time, Gunther puts down a cup of coffee in front of Chandler) Chandler: (grinning awkwardly) Humiliating and noble! (Gunther shoots a nasty look at him while leaving) Ross: You know, if I didn't already have a job, I think, I would have been really good in advertising. Monica: Ross, you did not come up with "got milk?" Ross: Yes, I did, I did! (He turns to Joey, disappointed) I should have written it down!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is walking from the bathroom to his bedroom and walks past a pile of Rachels laundry, which just happens to include a selection of panties. He stops, goes back to the basket, looks for Rachel, picks up a lavender thong, and heads for his bedroom. However, he decides he doesnt like his selection and goes back this time picking up a red low-cut silk brief and heads for his room, flexing along the way to prove his masculinity.]
Phoebe: And a glass of tepid water. (She gathers up all of these things.)
[Scene: The Hallway Between The Apartments, Ross and Rachel are coming back from the hospital. Ross is helping her up the stairs.]
Monica: Umm. Well, theres Rachel, and umm, I think thats it. How bout you?
Chandler: Oh, so what you're saying is you're not completely fulfilled by Rick, Ethan and myself?
Phoebe: Yeah? And, hes-hes so centered and mature and confident.
Ross: Well, and how about this? There is an anthropologist at school who totally came on to me during the inter-departmentalPotluck dinner.
Rachel: Honey, its going to be okay. Hes been incredibly supportive of me, and if he gets a little upset; thats what the meatball sub is for. (She gives Dina a sandwich wrapped in aluminum foil.)
Ross: Okay, come on! (blows on the dice) Daddy needs a new pair of electromagnetic microscopes for the Prehistoric Forensics Department! (They all look at him, and he shuts up and rolls the dice.) (he moves his piece) Okay. (reading a card) Take Pinky Tuscadero up to Inspiration Point, collect three cool points!! Yeah! Which gives me five, and lets see who is gonna lose their clothes. Ummmm, I think I pick our strip poker sponsor Mr. Joey Tribianni.
Chandler: Okay, wait. All right, thats it, okay, Im out of here. I am not going to be embarrassed anymore! (He trips over a box, falls into a flower stand and walks away trying to be cool.)
Phoebe: Well, okay, Mike's taking a shower, which by the way there's no law against. And then we're gonna grab some food, so if you want...
Phoebe: (sings) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens, (Rachel and Monica turn to look at her.) bluebells and sleighbells and- something with mittens... La la la la...something and noodles with string. These are a few...
Chandler: Its not just their marriage! I mean, look at yours. Look at everybodys! The only person that can make marriage work is Paul Newman! And Ive met me; I am not Paul Newman. I dont race cars! I dont make popcorn! None of my proceeds go to charity.
Tim: Wow! Umm, okay. Umm (To Phoebe) I-I-I realize I came on a little strong but, its only because I think youre so amazing. (To Monica) And uh, I-I just wanna, I just wanna tell you how much I appreciate you giving me an opportunity here because Iyoure the most talented chef Ive ever worked for. Anyway (Starts to leave and Phoebe and Monica trade looks.)