words in movies
Originally written by Chris Brown Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips [mmatting@indiana.edu] Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein.
[Scene: At Chandler and Joey's. Ross and Chandler are there. Ross is watching wrestling.]
JADE: Hello, I'm looking for Bob. This is Jane. I don't know if you're still at this number, but I was just thinking about us, and how great it was, and, well, I know it's been three years, but, I was kinda hoping we could hook up again. I barely had t he nerve to make this call, so you know what I did?
JADE: I got a little drunk...and naked.
JADE: Oh, you know, the usual, teaching aerobics, partying way too much. Oh, and in case you were wondering, those are my legs on the new James Bond poster.
CHANDLER: Ok, pure evil, horny and alone. I've done this.
(At Monica and Rachel's)
CHANDLER: Hey, come on, we got the gift, the concert, and the cake.
JOEY: Well I guess I gotta start savin' up for Ross's birthday, so I guess I'll just stay home and eat dust bunnies.
RACHEL: Do you guys ever get the feeling that um, Chandler and those guys just don't get that we don't make as much money as they do?
JOEY: Yes! Yeah, it's like they're always saying "let's go here, let's go there". Like we can afford to go here and there.
PHOEBE: Yes, yes, and it's, and we always have to go to, you know, someplace nice, you know? God, and it's not like we can say anything about it, 'cause, like this birthday thing, it's for Ross.
MONICA: I'm at work, ordinary day, you know, chop chop chop, sauti, sauti, sauti. All of a sudden, Leon, the manager, calls me into his office. It turns out they fired the head lunch chef, and guess who got the job.
MONICA: Fortunately, it is me. And, they made me head of purchasing, thank you very much. Anyway, I just ran into Ross and Chandler downstairs, and they think we should go out and celebrate. You know, someplace nice.
JOEY: Yeah, someplace nice. (to Phoebe and Rachel) How much do you think I can get for my kidney? (at Central Perk)
ROSS: Go over there and tell that woman the truth.
CHANDLER: I don't know. I just had this weird sense. You know, but that's me. I'm weird and sensitive. Tissue?
MONICA: Oh, wait, and I got a beeper!
MONICA: Yes, I will start with the carpaccio, and then I'll have the grilled prawns.
WAITER: And for the gentleman?
JOEY: Yeah, I'll have the Thai chicken pizza. But, hey, look, if I get it without the nuts and leeks and stuff, is it cheaper?
WAITER: (whispers) And what will that be on the side of?
WAITER: And for you?
PHOEBE: Um, I'm gonna have a cup of the cucumber soup, and, um, take care.
PHOEBE: I'm sorry, Monica, I'm really happy you got promoted, but cold cucumber mush for thirty-something bucks? No! Rachel just had that, that, that salad, and, and Joey with his like teeny pizza! It's just...
RACHEL: Basically, there's the thing, and then there's the stuff after the thing.
MONICA: If it makes anybody feel better, then we can just forget the thing, and we'll just do the gift.
CHANDLER: No, the thing was, we were gonna go see Hootie and the Blowfish.
ROSS: Hootie and the--oh my. I, I can catch them on the radio.
ROSS: No, look, hey, it's my birthday, and the important thing is that we all be together.
(at Monica and Rachel's)
MONICA: Why, it's dinner for six. 5 steaks, and an eggplant for Phoebe.
MONICA: Yeah, we switched meat suppliers at work, and the new guys gave me the steaks as sort of a thank-you.
CHANDLER: Why, it's six tickets to Hootie and the Blowfish! The Blowfish!
PHOEBE: Oh, well, then you'll have extra seats, you know, for all your tiaras and stuff.
CHANDLER: Yeah. Just let me grab my jacket and tell you I had sex today.
JADE: Hey, Bob, it's Jade. Listen, I just wanted to tell you that I was really hurt when you didn't show up the other day, and just so you know, I ended up meeting a guy.
JADE: It was just so awkward and bumpy.
CHANDLER: Well, maybe he had some kind of uh, new, cool style, that you're not familiar with. And uh maybe you have to get used to it.
(at Monica and Rachel's)
ROSS: It wasn't so much a party as...a gathering of people, with food, and music, and, and the band.
JOEY: You partied with Hootie and the Blowfish?
CHANDLER: Yes, apparently Stevie and the band are like this.
PHOEBE: Oh! I can't believe it. I can't believe this. We're just like, sitting at home, trying to guess Joey's fingers, and you guys are out like partying and having fun, and you know, all, "hey, Blowfish, suck on my neck".
JOEY: And we don't work hard?
JOEY: And you feel like we hold you back.
MONICA: Leon, Leon. Shhh! Guys. Wait, I don't understand. Those steaks were just a gift from the meat vendor. That was not a kick back. I'll just replace them and we can forget the whole thing. What corporate policy? No. Yeah. All right. I just got fired.
JADE: Hi, it's me. Listen, Bob. I'm probably way out of line here. I mean, It has been 3 years, and you're probably seeing someone else now, but if we could just have one night together, just for old time's sake, one hot, steamy, wild night...
(Joey lunges for phone and misses.)
Ross: Yeah see? And you are so excited about moving in together before, and you know what? You should be. It's a big deal!
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. Chandler enters. Rachel and monica are seated at the table.]
Monica: Well, my breasts are going to get bigger weather you like it or not! And you know what? It's not just my breasts. My ass is going to get bigger too.
Rachel: Man, don't be surprised if her hands and her feet get bigger too!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Emma has fallen asleep in her playpen, and Chandler has fallen asleep right next to her on the floor. He's even sucking on a pacifier.]
Chandler: Alright look, if it means that much to you, a may be able to get on more with the big boobs. But the giant ass and the big clown feet?
Joey: OK so I'm out four thousand dollars and nobody's boobs are getting any bigger?
Rachel: Oh my god Chandler! If you can't handle this, what are you going to be like in the hospital? With the blood and the screaming and the little present that's shooting out of her!?
Rachel: I dont know, let me think. I was walking down the street thinking, Im gonna tell the father today and then bam!
[Cut to Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Monica is getting Chandler ready for his half of the plan.]
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. Ross is helping with the packing, Phoebe and Mike are also there.]
Rachel: (giggles) (To Ross) I can imagine you in a short plaid skirt and knee socks.
(Chandler, Monica, Joey and Rachel are carrying a couch through the door)
Phoebe: I haven't exactly had a normal life and I never really felt I was missing out on anything but it just feels that now it's my turn some of the regular stuff.
Phoebe: Because I just didn't know how much I wanted it. And I love you, and I wanted to live with you.
[Scene: Ross' apartment , Chandler and Joey enter]
[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey is struggling with the fridge. He finally gets it open and falls on the floor]
Chandler: Great, a faster way to tell people that I'm unemployed and childless .
Ross: Uh uh... well, her Internet Company went under and she lost an ear in a boating accident...
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment]
Rachel: She was just crawling around and she found him, so I just let her sleep with him. That's all right? Isn't it?
Phoebe: Ok. I mean I know I did the right thing. You know, Mike never wants to get married and I shouldn't be in a relationship that has no future... but... pretty soon I'm gonna miss him so much. I'm gonna wanna see him again and you have to stop me from doing that.
Rachel: Well, first of all, Paulo and I are not back together. It was just a stupid thing I did, and if I could go back in time and do it again, well, I wouldn't. Um, second of all (Ross is laughing), what?
Phoebe: That was a test and you just failed.
[Scene: Rachel's room. Rachel and Emma are sleeping; Joey sneaks in and approaches the crib]
ROSS: It's just, it's, it's me. You, you know I've only been with one woman my whole life and she turned out to be a lesbian. So now I've got myself all psyched out, you know, and it's become, like this, this thing and I. . . Well, you just must think I'm weird.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's. Chandler is looking at the screen of his laptop, shaking his head.]
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment.� Chandler is seated in the chair and Monica stands behind the sofa.]
Chandler: Hang up, hang up. And that was a great movie! (Monica hangs up) I'm so gonna get back at Ross... oh yeah, this will show him, here we go (starts typing something).
[Time lapse, still Chandler and Monica's, but only Chandler is there. Enter Ross]
Chandler: (on machine) Youve reached Monica and Chandlers, if youre listening to this message, were probably screening. (to himself) Yeah we are.
(They run for Phoebe's purse, Phoebe gets there first and takes the cell. Monica tries to take it away from her)
Monica: And now your cell.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's. Enter Joey]
(they fight a little, the phone falls and Monica picks it up)
Joey: Hey, look who's here! It's Joey, and he brought home a friend.
Ross: Well, when you're subletting an apartment from your wife's cousin and then you get a divorce, sometimes the cousin suddenly wants his apartment back.
Rachel: Should I be concerned that a button fell off the old Hugsy and I can't find it?
(Monica opens the door and Mike is standing at the doorway)
Mike: Look, if I wanna see Phoebe and she wants to see...
Phoebe: Okay (she takes a huge, clearly obsolete cellphone she keeps in a closet and gives it to Monica)
Monica: Sure! If you're just gonna hang out as friends, then maybe I'll join ya. You know, I'm your friend (to Phoebe) and Mike's friend (Mike is sceptical).
(Phoebe and Mike sit next to each other)
[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Carol is working on something at the table and Ross is reading a newspaper on the couch.]
Monica: You know, on the way over here, I saw this drunk guy throw up. And then a pigeon ate it!
BEST MAN: What, (to Barry) you hired the same band I can't use the same speech. (gets a 'da-doom-chesh' from the drummer) Thank you, thank you very much. Anyway, I wish you both a wonderful life together. And Rachel...
Ross: uhu uhu, check this out. (Chandler sits down and looks at laptop screen)
Chandler: Huh! So that's what I would look like if I worked out... and was being serviced by a policeman. You're not actually going to send these out are ya?
Ross: Exactly!! (sits back down at his laptop and starts typing)
Ross: What are you talking about? You get sixty responses just for coming out of the closet! I didn't get one response! And I'm dead!
Ross: oh, too late, too late! It's sent... oops sorry and so is the picture of you and the police man...
[Flashback to 710 - TOW The Holiday Armadillo] [Scene: Monica, Chandler and Phoebe's, Ross is costumed as an Armadillo.]
Joey: Alright!! Fine! It's original Hugsy! No, now I know that Emma wants him but he's mine and I need him..
Rachel: Yeah! And she's comforted by him because she loves her uncle Joey so much.
[Scene: The Banquet Room, Ross and Chandler are in their tuxes and have started to fake the pictures.]
Ross: Well, um, actually, I-I took her to the planetarium. Thats-thats where we had our first date. Um, she walked in and I had the room filled with lilies, her favorite flower
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment: Phoebe, Monica and Mike sitting on the couch]
Monica: And I blame you too.
Joey: Err...Well I...Know how much you used to make and I know how much your rent is. (shrugs)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment]
Monica: Oh (realizes her pants are undone and zips them up)!
(Chandler and Monica go open the door)
Ross: Ok, ok! I'm gonna go hide! Oh, this is so exciting, my first mourner! (he hides in the bedroom and closes the door)
Chandler: You gave them one day's notice, not everyone in our class checks the web site everyday and Monica... it's probably the way you stand!
Ross: (coming in) I'm dead and no one cares?
Chandler: Oh, that's not true. You had an impact on me, I mean, it's 15 years later and we're still best friends. Doesn't that count for something?
Chandler: I didn't know Ross and you were so close.
Chandler: (To Monica) Wow! Listen, we had a good run. What was it? Four? Five months? I mean, that's more than most people have in a lifetime! So, good-bye, take care, bye-bye then! (He kisses her and starts to climb out the balcony window.)
Kori: I thought so many times about calling him and asking him out. I guess I really missed my chance.
Kori: We weren't but we had one class together. He was such a great guy and he talked so passionately about science. I always remembered him.
[Scene: Chandler's hotel room, he's sitting there with Joey who's talking about his helmet and running his hand through that feathery thing at the top.]
Kori: You sick freak, who does that? I can't believe I had a crush on you! (she leaves and slams the door behind her)
Monica: And what else is it not?
Rachel: Yeah me too. oh! I have an idea. Why don't we all pitch in 50 bucks, we'll pool our money together and then if we win, we'll split it!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica, Chandler, Rachel and Joey are in the kitchen]
(phone starts ringing and Chandler comes running out of the bathroom)
Joey: Have a seat. (Mike sits on his bed, and Joey towers over him. He starts talking in an Italian godfather-type voice) Last night, I tried to welcome you into my family... and instead, you disrespect me... (shakes his head) I cannot allow this.
Joey: (sounding panicky)Oh my god Ross! You don't have Emma! And Rachel you don't have Emma! (Starts yelling) Where's Emma? Who has Emma!?
Rachel: Oh er... well you know Emma started crawling? I realised that this place, is very unsafe for a baby. So I went to the store and got some stuff to baby-proof the apartment.
Phoebe: (excited)Hey you guys! Ok, you're not going to believe this! I just saw my psychic and she said I was definitely gonna win the lottery tonight!
Ross: I went thru this with Ben and Carol. One cup of coffee won't affect your milk.
(Phoebe and Joey both grab one side of the wishbone)
Rachel, Chandler and Monica: Please, just do it!
Ross: Ok, I've heard myself on tape and I sound nothing like that.
Monica: Because I know that you think the lottery is "boohaki" but we're all here and gonna watch the numbers and have fun. And you're my brother, and I want you to be a part of this.
Joey: Ooh, ooh, I know! We should pool all own money and buy the Knicks!
Ross: You don't have to do that, I'll pay for myself. But just the fact that you want me to have fun with you guys - that's so sweet! Come here (they kiss and hug)
Monica: Ok, fine!! I bought 20 extra tickets for me and Chandler.
Rachel: Ok, well Monica, suppose one of your "special" tickets win? How are you gonna feel when you win the lottery and you lose all your friends?
Monica: Fine! Don't be my friends! I'll buy new friends! Yeah, and then I'll pay for their plastic surgery so they'd look just like you!
Monica: No, no! We should divide them up (picks up the bowl) and I should get extra because we used my card to buy them!
Phoebe: (she takes the bowl from Rachel's hands and she starts running around the room and yelling) OOOOOHHHHH!
Phoebe: (keeping on running and yelling) OOOOOHHHHH! (she stops) Fine, I can't take it anymore! I'm putting an end to this! (she goes out to the balcony)
Phoebe: Oh, you guys! We've got to keep all the tickets together (takes the bowl from Ross and puts it on the table)
Phoebe: If we are not doing it together, we're not doing it at all! So, say goodbye to your tickets! (She holds out the bowl, and makes as to drop the tickets on the street).
Monica: They're all in there! Even these five that I hid in my bra (takes some tickets out of her bra and gives them to Phoebe)...
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment.]
Joey: I would, but this is a nice place and my T-shirt has a picture of Calvin doing Hobbs.
Phoebe: What a beautiful night to be running around the street, looking for tickets. And the wind sure made it fun.
Rachel: (To Ross) You know what? We should call my mum's house and say goodnight to Emma before she goes down.