words in movies
Originally written by Chris Brown Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips [mmatting@indiana.edu] Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein.
[Scene: At Chandler and Joey's. Ross and Chandler are there. Ross is watching wrestling.]
JADE: Hello, I'm looking for Bob. This is Jane. I don't know if you're still at this number, but I was just thinking about us, and how great it was, and, well, I know it's been three years, but, I was kinda hoping we could hook up again. I barely had t he nerve to make this call, so you know what I did?
JADE: I got a little drunk...and naked.
JADE: Oh, you know, the usual, teaching aerobics, partying way too much. Oh, and in case you were wondering, those are my legs on the new James Bond poster.
CHANDLER: Ok, pure evil, horny and alone. I've done this.
(At Monica and Rachel's)
CHANDLER: Hey, come on, we got the gift, the concert, and the cake.
JOEY: Well I guess I gotta start savin' up for Ross's birthday, so I guess I'll just stay home and eat dust bunnies.
RACHEL: Do you guys ever get the feeling that um, Chandler and those guys just don't get that we don't make as much money as they do?
JOEY: Yes! Yeah, it's like they're always saying "let's go here, let's go there". Like we can afford to go here and there.
PHOEBE: Yes, yes, and it's, and we always have to go to, you know, someplace nice, you know? God, and it's not like we can say anything about it, 'cause, like this birthday thing, it's for Ross.
MONICA: I'm at work, ordinary day, you know, chop chop chop, sauti, sauti, sauti. All of a sudden, Leon, the manager, calls me into his office. It turns out they fired the head lunch chef, and guess who got the job.
MONICA: Fortunately, it is me. And, they made me head of purchasing, thank you very much. Anyway, I just ran into Ross and Chandler downstairs, and they think we should go out and celebrate. You know, someplace nice.
JOEY: Yeah, someplace nice. (to Phoebe and Rachel) How much do you think I can get for my kidney? (at Central Perk)
ROSS: Go over there and tell that woman the truth.
CHANDLER: I don't know. I just had this weird sense. You know, but that's me. I'm weird and sensitive. Tissue?
MONICA: Oh, wait, and I got a beeper!
MONICA: Yes, I will start with the carpaccio, and then I'll have the grilled prawns.
WAITER: And for the gentleman?
JOEY: Yeah, I'll have the Thai chicken pizza. But, hey, look, if I get it without the nuts and leeks and stuff, is it cheaper?
WAITER: (whispers) And what will that be on the side of?
WAITER: And for you?
PHOEBE: Um, I'm gonna have a cup of the cucumber soup, and, um, take care.
PHOEBE: I'm sorry, Monica, I'm really happy you got promoted, but cold cucumber mush for thirty-something bucks? No! Rachel just had that, that, that salad, and, and Joey with his like teeny pizza! It's just...
RACHEL: Basically, there's the thing, and then there's the stuff after the thing.
MONICA: If it makes anybody feel better, then we can just forget the thing, and we'll just do the gift.
CHANDLER: No, the thing was, we were gonna go see Hootie and the Blowfish.
ROSS: Hootie and the--oh my. I, I can catch them on the radio.
ROSS: No, look, hey, it's my birthday, and the important thing is that we all be together.
(at Monica and Rachel's)
MONICA: Why, it's dinner for six. 5 steaks, and an eggplant for Phoebe.
MONICA: Yeah, we switched meat suppliers at work, and the new guys gave me the steaks as sort of a thank-you.
CHANDLER: Why, it's six tickets to Hootie and the Blowfish! The Blowfish!
PHOEBE: Oh, well, then you'll have extra seats, you know, for all your tiaras and stuff.
CHANDLER: Yeah. Just let me grab my jacket and tell you I had sex today.
JADE: Hey, Bob, it's Jade. Listen, I just wanted to tell you that I was really hurt when you didn't show up the other day, and just so you know, I ended up meeting a guy.
JADE: It was just so awkward and bumpy.
CHANDLER: Well, maybe he had some kind of uh, new, cool style, that you're not familiar with. And uh maybe you have to get used to it.
(at Monica and Rachel's)
ROSS: It wasn't so much a party as...a gathering of people, with food, and music, and, and the band.
JOEY: You partied with Hootie and the Blowfish?
CHANDLER: Yes, apparently Stevie and the band are like this.
PHOEBE: Oh! I can't believe it. I can't believe this. We're just like, sitting at home, trying to guess Joey's fingers, and you guys are out like partying and having fun, and you know, all, "hey, Blowfish, suck on my neck".
JOEY: And we don't work hard?
JOEY: And you feel like we hold you back.
MONICA: Leon, Leon. Shhh! Guys. Wait, I don't understand. Those steaks were just a gift from the meat vendor. That was not a kick back. I'll just replace them and we can forget the whole thing. What corporate policy? No. Yeah. All right. I just got fired.
JADE: Hi, it's me. Listen, Bob. I'm probably way out of line here. I mean, It has been 3 years, and you're probably seeing someone else now, but if we could just have one night together, just for old time's sake, one hot, steamy, wild night...
(Joey lunges for phone and misses.)
Chandler: Hi, I'm Chandler, and I have no idea who Dorothy is.
(The group does the same horrible dance that Joey did earlier in the show, except they're all out of sync and they do the jazz hands at the end.)
[Scene: Max and David's lab, they are working. Phoebe knocks on the door]
Joey: Oh hey, no, you're not welcome. Okay, look, I hate this! You guys keep embarrassing me! (To Monica) Yesterday, Rachel found your razor in our bathroom and I didn't know what to say, so I said it was mine and-and that I was playing a woman in a play. And one thing led to another and (He puts his leg on the chair and pulls up his pants leg to reveal that he now has shaved legs.)
David: Yes I can. Because if I go it means I have to break up with you, and I can't break up with you.
David: Right. But, see, the longer I waited, the more phenomenal the kiss had to be, and now we've reached a place where it's just gotta be one of those things where I just like... sweep everything off the table and throw you down on it. And, uh, I'm not really a, uh, sweeping sorta fella.
Phoebe: Ooh, sorry. Um, and, and then you put your arms around me. And then you put your arms around me. (He does so) And, um, and then you tell me that you love me and you'll never forget me.
Chandler: And the moment of joy is upon us.
Phoebe: And then you say that it's almost midnight and you have to go because you don't wanna start the new year with me if you can't finish it. (They kiss) I'm gonna miss you. You scientist guy.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, time lapse.]
Chandler: Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento. You, however have had the love of a woman for four years. Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it! I don't think that was my point!
Monica and Phoebe: (in unison) Thanks.
[Scene: A Street: Monica and Phoebe are walking to a newsstand.]
Phoebe: I just wish there was something we could do. (Bends down and talks to him) Hello. Hello, Coma Guy. GET UP, YOU GIRL SCOUT! UP! UP! UP!
[Time lapse. Monica and Rachel, fixed up somewhat, emerge from a bedroom]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe are telling everyone about their coma guy.]
Phoebe: Um, yeah. Look, I mean, Im not saying shes like evil or anything. She just, you know, shes always breaking my stuff. When I was eight, and I wouldnt let her have my Judy Jetson thermos, so she threw it under the bus. And then, oh, and then there was Randy Brown, who was like... Have you ever had a boyfriend who was like your best friend?
Monica: Oh my God. (Grabs Phoebe and turns her away) Phoebe. Don't look now, but behind us is a guy who has the potential to break our hearts and plunge us into a pit of depression.
Chandler: ...And then he burst into flames.
[Scene: The Hospital, it's a montage of Monica and Phoebe's visit to the hospital with My Guy playing in the background. It starts with Monica reading a newspaper to him.]
Joey: Oh! My head! Oh! (Hes sitting on the chair, lies back, and puts his feet up for Monica to rub.) Oh!
Monica: Why did I 'woo-hoo'? I mean, what was I hoping would happen? That-that he'd turn round and say 'I love that sound, I must have you now'?
[Scene: A Mexican Restaurant, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler and his mom are there.]
Ms. McKenna: The numbers we are seeing New York, Chicago, and London are consistently solid, but many of our officers have reported disappointing fields.
(Rachel feeds something to Paolo. He eats it and licks her hand)
Chandler: Myyy mother, ladies and gentlemen.
Ross: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. (A woman emerges from the toilet behind him and he tries to pretend he was in the other one)
Ross: Thank you. (She walks off) C'mon, Marcel, whaddya say you and I do a little mingling? (Marcel runs off) Alright, I'll, uh... catch up with you later.
(He thinks for a moment and sweeps the stuff off the table)
(Chandler opens the door and startles them. He picks up the paper)
(Ross drags Joey into the hall and slams the door)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the next morning. Joey is getting the door in his dressing gownit's Ross.]
Ross: Uh.. uh.. Well, Joey and I had discussed getting in an early morning racquetball game. But, um, apparently, somebody overslept.
Joey: Yeah, well you didn't call and leave your grip size.
(Joey and Ross go into Monica and Rachel's apartment)
Ross: Then, uh, then we got dressed, and I-I... I walked her to the- (looks up, realises, and points) -the bus stop... I'm fine.
Rachel: Okay! No accountants. Oh, and no one from like legal. I dont like guys with boring jobs.
(She and Paolo walk a little way down the hall)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is talking to Chandler. Joey is making a snack at the bar.]
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except for Chandler. Rachel is writing something and Monica walks up.]
Phoebe: OK, I just need two... the, um, ten of spades and the six of clubs.
Carol: Marty's still totally paranoid. Oh, and, uh-
Joey: Ah! (Points to door) Huh? (Leaves and slams the door)
(Monica and Rachel's door opens and Rachel and Paolo emerge)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's Chandler is talking with his mom.]
Monica: This is so typical. Y'know, we give, and we give, and we give. And then- we just get nothing back! And then one day, y'know, it's just, you wake up, and "See you around!" Let's go, Phoebe.
Joey: I'm telling ya... (his eyes open wide and he looks like his eyes are about to pop out. He stares at Ross like this without blinking) I can do it.
Phoebe: Me too! Oh! Did you ever see An Officer and a Gentleman?
Mrs. Bing: Alright, well, be good, I love you. (Kisses him and goes to leave)
[Cut to the hallway, Joey is listening to Chandler and his mom's conversation through the door as Ross walks up.]
Joey: No, no. He said "When are you gonna grow up and start being a mom?"
Joey: Shh. He did it. He told her off, and not just about the kiss, about everything.
Joey: Hard to tell, they're so tiny and upside-down. Wait, wait. They're walking away... they're walking away... No, no they're not, they're coming right at us! Run! Run!
Ross: 'Kay, wait a minute, are you sure she didn't say "When are you gonna grow up and realise I am your mom?"
Ross: Uh, if you guys don't mind, I'd like to take a moment, just me and him.
(Ross knocks on Monica and Rachel's door)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is handing out copies of her book to the gang.]
(Joey runs off down the hall. Ross tries Monica and Rachel's apartment, but it is locked so he has to stand in the hall and pretend he wasn't listening. Chandler and his mom come out)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the phone in the kitchen.]
Rachel: Okay. Now this is just the first chapter, and I want your absolute honest opinion. Oh, oh, and on page two, he's not 'reaching for her heaving beasts'.
(Camera moves to Chandler, Phoebe, Ross, and Joey sitting in living room)
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there. Ross working on crossword puzzle, starts humming theme from The Odd Couple. Chandler joins in, followed by Monica and Phoebe, then the whole gang. Ross starts humming theme from I Dream Of Jeannie.]
All: Oh, sure. Sure, absolutely. (They just stand there, then realise what he means and go to the other end of the room)
(They almost kiss and then Joey realises her kids are staring at them)
Chandler: And, we're done with the yogurt. (Sets yogurt down on table)
Chandler: Good save! We're back on track, and I'm... (grimacing) ..chewing someone else's gum. This is not my gum. Oh my God! Oh my God! And now you're choking.
Joey: Hey Ross, listen, you know that right now, your baby's only this big? (measures about 2 inches with his thumb and index finger) This is your baby. (in baby-like voice) Hi Daddy!
(Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts to search the room.)
Ross: So is everybody here? I got here a little early myself. Let us begin. Now, the hydrosaurids have been unearthed in two main locations. (He moves to the map and we see why he made it to class on time, hes wearing in-line skates and hasnt taken them off.) Here. (Points to the map, somewhere in the Middle East, then spins on the skates and points to the map.) Here. (China.) Now as for the hydrosaurs
(Camera pans to Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe in the kitchen)
Joey: I love babies, with their little baby shoes, and their little baby toes, and their little baby hands...
Ross: Hey, when did you and Susan meet Huey Lewis?
Carol: Totally and completely healthy!
Ross: No, no, no, no, no, I don't want to know, absolutely not. I think, you know, I think you should know until you look down there, and say, oop, there it is! (pauses) Or isn't...
Ross: Ah, the forbidden love of a man and his door.
Ross: Oh, that's great, that is great! (Hugs and kisses Carol. Then picks up a picture frame)
Carol and Susan: It's a...
Ross: (on intercom) Uh, never mind, I don't want to know. (Carol and Susan laugh)
Phoebe: (singing) New York City has no power, and the milk is getting sour. But to me it is not scary, 'cause I stay away from dairy.... la la la, la la, la la... (she writes the lyrics down)
[Scene: The Hospital, Mr. and Mrs. Geller are there, along with Aunt Lillian. Ross and Monica enter and everyone says hi and kisses.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler use their knees as a table to support the lasagna.]
Phoebe: (looking out the window) Oh, look! There's Monica and Chandler! (Starts yelling.) Hey! Hey, you guys! Hey! (Chandler and Monica start taking each other's clothes off.) Ohh!! Ohh! Ahh-ahhh!!
Chandler: It's just that we bought a hibachi together, and then he ran off and got married, and things got pretty ugly.
Chandler: Yeah, well, you wouldn't think it was cool if you're eleven years old and all your friends are passing around page 79 of 'Mistress Bitch.'
Monica: And Monica knows...
Joey: So what's it gonna be? (Monica whispers in Joey's ear. Ross gets up and waves arms frantically in protest)
...My mother's ashes Even her eyelashes Are resting in a little yellow jar, And sometimes when it's breezy...
Ross: Waitohheyhuh, oh great now he knows, and I don't know!
Joey and Chandler: Hey Phoebe!
(Joey and Chandler come back)
Ross: Well, like that, only instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day, it's the end of time, and garbage is all that has survived! (Ross takes the loosely tied tie off and hands it to Joey who puts it on.) Here.
Phoebe: Well, he came in for a massage, and everything was fine until. (A flashback starts Paolo, lying on massage table, moving his hands up Phoebe's legs.)
Chandler: Fine. (Joey and Chandler walk towards the door)
Chandler: Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked.
[Scene: The Table Store, Joey and Chandler and looking for their new table.]
Chandler: See, I'm finding out all this stuff about you today, like you like the Law & Order and that you flirted with every guy in the Tri-State area!
Phoebe: Oh yeah, I'm sure. (Flashback resumes with Phoebe doing a voiceover.) And all of a sudden his hands weren't the problem anymore. (Flashback continues: Paolo rolls over, Phoebe looks down, then quickly looks up, bites lip, shakes her head)
Rachel: Oh man! This is so great! I actually feel like Im going on a real date! Although, I have a hint of morning sickness, and Im wearing underwear that goes up to about (She snaps the waistband on her underwear that is just slightly below her breasts) there.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel folding and packing clothes in suitcases as Phoebe enters.]
Chandler: Not like that, I won't! (pauses) Kip would have liked the birds! (Joey turns and gives Chandler a dirty look)