words in movies
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and a beautiful blonde (Cheryl) are standing outside. The rest of the gang is watching from inside.]
Chandler: Ross and the most beautiful girl in the world.
[Cheryl walks away and Ross walks inside. Everyone stares at him in disbelief.]
Ross: I've seen her at work, but I always figured, ah-huh? But, uh, I made her dinner. We had a great time. And we're going out again tomorrow.
Rachel: Well maybe she and her friends are just having a contest to see who can bring home the biggest geek.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there. Chandler enters.]
Phoebe: Yeah, but remember you said you ordered something special, and it just hasn't come yet?
Phoebe: Yeah, and what a great way to say, "I secretly love you, roommate's girlfriend!"
Ross: How do you think it's gonna look when you get her something incredibly meaningful and expensive and her boyfriend Joey gives her an orange?
Monica: Really? Cause I'd need like $500 for all the food and the supplies and stuff.
Rachel: Yes, you have to get her something, and it should be something really nice.
Rachel: And not one of your coupons for an hour of "Joey Love."
[cut to a new scene, also in Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting, Phoebe is nearby.]
Rachel: No! I'm sorry, honey, it's just that last week I got all but three answers and I really want to finish a whole one without any help.
Monica: Oh my God, it was the best funeral ever! I mean, everyone loved the food, and guess what? I even got another funeral for tomorrowthe dead-guy-from-today's best friend. I mean, it is like I am the official caterer for that accident!
Monica: Oh. Well, I didn't realize that you needed it back right away. I mean, you told me to go and be a caterer. So I went. I beed. I mean, I... I used it to buy all this stuff. But lookI've got another job tomorrow, so I'll pay you back with the money I make from that.
[Scene: Outside Cheryl's apartment, Ross and Cheryl are kissing]
[They go into the apartment. Inside the apartment it looks like a sewage dump exploded and landed in her living room. There are clothes and food and junk covering every square inch of space. I mean pigs have nicer pens. Ross is completely shocked.]
Ross: (mouths "where?") Uh... Oh hey, do you, uh (steps on some garbage and falters) ...do you have any, um, Cinnamon Fruit Toasties?
[Scene: A kitchen where Phoebe and Monica are finishing up a catering job]
Monica: Um, and, well there's the.. the the small matter of...
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is on the couch still doing the crossword. Chandler is in the kitchen.]
Rachel: And you know which one we should see? The 1996 Tony award winner. Do you happen to know the name of that one?
Rachel: What did you get her? (Joey opens up a rectangular black box and holds up a pen.)
Chandler: Because she's not eleven! And it's not the seventh night of Hanukkah!
Joey: (whining and heading toward the door) Look, it's too late, and I got an audition. I can't shop anymore! I...
Chandler: All right. I will go out and I will try to find something for her, okay?
Joey: Thanks, man. And oh, while you're at it, could you get her a card?
Phoebe: Pay the caterer! Look, I've had a lot of jobs, okay, and there are some people who just always try to get out of paying. It's either, you know, "that massage wasn't long enough, or, "I don't recognize any of those songs," or, you know, "these sombreros aren't big enough. Bad little white girl!"
Mrs. Burkart: (singing) You're a grand ol' flag, you're a high-flying flag, and forever in peace may you wave....
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Joey are standing and talking, Ross is tying a tie.]
Ross: Well, like that, only instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day, it's the end of time, and garbage is all that has survived! (Ross takes the loosely tied tie off and hands it to Joey who puts it on.) Here.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel, Rachel is there, Chandler enters.]
Rachel: All right, look. Why don't you just return the book, let Joey give her the clock pen, and you give her something worse than that. Like... a regular pen.
Rachel: Oh! Pathetic! (Grabs the crossword puzzle and starts writing.)
[cut to Monica and Phoebe in the kitchen]
Mrs. Burkart: (Singing) Come on along and listen to...
Phoebe: Excuse me. Excuse me! (Mrs. Bukart stops singing) Thanks. Um, clearly this is a very, very hard time for you. Um, but, um, we provided a service, and we deserve to be paid because you ate that service, and, um, we are not leaving here until we're paid every penny. 'Cause you know what, lady? We're part time caterers, and we have no place else to go.
Phoebe: Good. (Phoebe and Mrs. Burkart go into the other room, leaving Monica with everyone staring at her.)
Cheryl: I'll be right back. Make yourself comfortable. (Ross attempts to clear a place for his coat and fold it small enough to fit. Then hit sits on the couch. Something falls on him from above and he brushes his neck off frantically.)
Ross: Oh! (She kisses him) Ah. (They kiss more, and move down onto the couch. Ross's hand moves under some garbage) Aw! (His hand is covered with something brown and gooey.)
[They sit up, moaning in excitement, and Cheryl straddles Ross. Ross finds a slice of bologna and moans higher and louder, then a bag of potato chips on the coffee table starts to move. Ross throws Cheryl off his lap, grabs a tennis racket and a toilet brush and starts pounding the bag.]
Rachel: I did it! Oh! I finished it! I did it all by myself! And there's nobody to hug!
[From the background we hear a crash and Gunther comes running out of the back room, pushing people aside, reaching for Rachel.]
[Gunther slips and falls just before reaching the back of the couch. Monica and Phoebe come into Central Perk.]
[Gunther gets up slowly from behind the couch and walks away sadly]
Monica: And I'm a wuss. And we should be partners.
Phoebe: Yeah. Hard Ass and Wuss. We could fight crime!
Monica: Wait a minute, Phoebe! We should be partners. We should be catering partners. I mean, think about it! You're not working right now, and we have such a great time together!
Monica: I can cook and you can take care of the money.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is there, Joey enters.]
Joey: Oh, man, she loved it! She's over there showing Monica and Rachel right now.
Chandler: See, you think it's just a pen, but then you turn it over and it's also a clock.
Kathy: Well, uh, when Joey gave it to me, he said, "This is 'cause I know ya like Rabbits, and I know ya like cheese." Thanks. I love it. And I know how hard it must have been for you to find.
Monica: Yeah. Anyway, he told me about your apartment. And, um, I couldn't sleep, thinking about it. So, uh, would it be okay if I cleaned it?
[Monica looks around the hallway, pulls out a sponge and starts scrubbing the door frame.]
Phoebe: Its Joey! (Joey turns and looks at her and she mouths I love you to him.)
Joey: About a month ago this guy spent the night with Rachel, I didnt see who it was but (He walks out and closes the door.)
Phoebe: (gasps) Oh my God! I know who the father is (She walks into Monica and Chandlers.)
(They follow him and meet him in the hall coming out of his apartment carrying a sweater.)
Phoebe: Look, I feel really bad about how I freaked you out before, so I called the father and asked him to meet you here so you can tell him. Go!
[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are about to go inside.]
Chandler: Get ready to run. (Chandler walks over to the new bride.) Congratulations on your wedding. (He grabs her, kisses her, Ross takes the picture, and they both run out.)
Phoebe: Rachel has something that she wants to tell you and umm, I believe that this is your red sweater.
Tag: Thank you. (Gets up and hurries out.)
Rachel: Tag is not the father! And Joey knows now?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Obsessive Monica has finished opening all the presents. Shes ashamed of this, at least, because as someone enters ]
(Phoebe and Rachel enter.)
Rachel: Are you joking? Check out is not til noon and he has a good (checks her watch) eleven minutes left.
Joey: I do Rach. I do, and I so happy for you. (They hug.)
(Chandler and Ross enter with the new pictures.)
Rachel: Now, if you will excuse me I am going to go and lie down. (Exits.)
Monica: Yeah! Oh and interesting because I found the cameras in one of our bags! (Throws them into his chest.)
(Paul screams like a chicken and breaks down into tears again.)
Monica: Okay! (They high-five and he walks out.)
Joey: I kn-I know! I know! Okay? And apparently tomorrow when I go in to meet the director I have to take off my clothes so that they can see what my body looks like.
Monica and Phoebe: Oh my God!!
(He exits leaving a stunned Phoebe and Monica.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are getting ready to go on their honeymoon. Monica is entering from the bedroom.]
(Joey looks at him, Phoebe tries not to smile, and Chandler is shocked.)
Ross: (breaking the hug) Ohh, I gotta go to the flower store! (Runs to the door.) Check it out, no one will tell me where Emily is, so I'm gonna send 72 long-stem, red roses to Emily's parent's house, one for each day that I've known and loved her. That oughta get her talking to me again.
Rachel: And I also wanted you guys to know that I am telling the father today. (They all look at her expectantly) What? What? What?
Monica: This is so great! And Im gonna be your babys aunt!
Ross: Dad dad, please! As I was saying umm, Im Dr. Ross Geller. Uhh, and Im the best man. And uh, this marriage is doubly special for me umm, because not only is the groom my best friend but uh, the bride is my little sister. And, shes the greatest sister a guy could ask for. So if youd all please join me in raising a glass to the, the couple were here to celebrate. (Everyone does so.) To the Bings.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Phoebe are entering.]
Phoebe: You mean the time you broke the ketchup bottle and cleaned it up with Monicas guest towels?
Monica: Good! Now I need you to be careful and efficient. And remember, if I am harsh with you, it is only because you are doing it wrong.
Joey: Yknow, Monica and Chandler are married. Ross and Rachel are having a baby. Maybe you and I should do something.
Phoebe: (deadpan) And?
(Phoebe and Joey trade looks)
Phoebe: Oh sorry. (Shocked) And?!
Joey: Please, just-just, just go and talk to Rachel.
Ross: Yeah, I guess I should. (Starts to leave.) Man, yknow what I have to realize? Maybe Im just not the type of guy women can have just one night with. Yknow, they-they always seem to want a little bit more. I should remember that. (He pauses and then exits.)
Monica: (to the couple) Hi! Can you do that and walk? Cause she said, "Next."
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe and Joey are playing Rock em, Sock em Robots.]
Monica: Oh no, you see were on our honeymoon. So umm, can you do your little thing and bump us up to first class?
Phoebe: Of course I do! And Im gonna give it back to you as soon as theyre done with it at the key shining place.
Monica: Fine. (Starts to walk away then she runs over and grabs an orange before she exits.) Go! Go! Go!
[Scene: The Hallway Outside Rosss Apartment, Ross is walking towards his apartment and sees Rachel sitting in front of the door.]
Rachel: No, she was already in, but then this big bitch behind me tried to steal my umbrella, so I clocked her. Ohhh! I cant believe this, all I wanted was a few hours outside of work to see Joshua, so he can go ahead and start falling in love with me.
(They hear a knocking sound coming from the hallway and go to investigate.)
Ross: I mean look, that-that one night we had was fun and and certainly passionate, but dont you think its better if we just stayed friends?
Ross: Oh sure. (He sits on the apothecary table and touches her hand.)
Chandler: All right buddy, time to roll over. (Rolls him over, and discovers a surprise) (Looking down) No-no! (Covers his eyes) No, no-n-n-n-no!! You are going to a clinic! Youre going to a clinic, and a pyjama store!
Phoebe: Hey! Ive got a great idea for party favors for the shower. Okay, we get some uh mahogany boxes and carve everyones names in them and inside is everyones individual birth stone.
Mike: Yeah, you do that, and I go check my dad for signs of internal bleeding. (Mike walks away and Bitsy walks in the same direction.)
Ross: By the way, the week before your wedding you may not see a lot of me. (She glares at him and he quickly makes his way to Phoebes room.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Mr. Treeger has finished inspecting Monica and Chandlers apartment.]
Joey: (eating) Huh. So then I can heat this up? (Goes and does so.)
Tag: Yknow, Im actually glad Phoebe called. (He pulls out a stool and Rachel sits down.) I know we broke up because you thought I wasnt mature enough, but Ive really grown up and think we should get back together.
(Treeger leaves and Ross notices the door.)
Melissa: (laughs) Oh you dont have to be (Laughs again) sorry. Im Im obviously kidding. Im not in love with you. (To Phoebe) Im not in love with her. I dont hear coconuts banging together. Yeah, I dont picture your face when I make love to my boyfriend. Anyway, I gotta go. Eh kiss good-bye? (Rachel stares at her stunned.) No? Okay. (Hurries into the cab and drives off.)
Ross: Yeah but uh Okay, okay look you guys know that Rachel and I slept together, but theres something else. (Pause) Rachels pregnant.
Chandler: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you! (To his girlfriend) And you are about to marry a wonderful man! (She stunned and hes horrified.) Hey! Im marrying a dead woman!
Monica: What? (Monica sees the first couple and gasps.)
Ross: Okay. (He sits her down in a chair.) Uh, Ross and Rachel. Rachel and Ross. Thats been one heck of a see-saw hasnt it?
Joey: What?! (Grabs his condoms from his pocket and looks.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey is on the phone and Phoebe is watching him.]
Joey: Hey Monica its Joey. Listen uh, Phoebe and I smell gas comin from your apartment.
Joey: Yeah and wed go check it out, but you took away our keys.
Joey: Yeah, theres this guy from Chicago whos supposed to be the next Martin Scorcese, all right? But then this guys right after him. (Joeys cell phone rings and he answers it.) Hello!
(Theres a knock on the door and Ross enters.)
Ticket Agent: Congratulations. Okay, Mr. Bing youll be in 25J and Mrs. Bing youll be in 25K.
Rachel: When certain people leave the table and I am not finished!
Dr. Long: Okay, everything looks good. Here it is on the screen. (We see Ross and Rachel looking at the screen.) Here is your uterus. And right here is your baby.
(Dr. Long exits and Rachel starts to cry.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Phoebe are there as Rachel and Ross return from the doctors appointment.]
Ross: Oh. (He takes the picture and hugs her.
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Monica are returning from their honeymoon.]
(Joey and Phoebe burst forth from his apartment.)
Chandler: Wait. Before we go in, I just want you to know I love you. I had a great time on our honeymoon, and I cant wait to go in there and spend the rest of our life together.
Chandler: Theyre terrific, and they live right here in the city.
Joey: Hey! Youre back! (Hugs and kisses all around.)
(They grab the luggage and drag it into Joey and Rachels forcing Monica and Chandler to follow.)
Joey: Yknow what? Why dont you just give us our souvenirs and get the hell out of here?
Monica: This is different! Greg and Jenny are in a relationship.
JOEY: Great, well, I'm happy for ya. [picks up the orange juice carton and it's empty] Alright that's it. He just comes in here, Mr. Jonny Neweggs, with his, his, his movin' the mail and his, his 'see ya pals'. And now there's no juice. There's no juice f or the people who need the juice and want the juice. I need the juice.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Ross and Rachel are entering with the rest of the gang already inside.]
(Rachel looks at Ross and gets his approval.)
Joey: Uh, okay Ill-Ill-Ill break it down. (He hands the phone to Phoebe, gets up, picks up a chair, and starts banging it on the floor.)
Rachel: Okay. (Opens the card and reads it.) Happy birthday Grandma! Its better to be over the hill (starting to cry) then buried under it. (Breaks down as everyone glares at them.) All our love Monica and Chandler. (Crying) Thats funny, yeah!
Ross: Yes lets. Yknow what? Uh, its-its not important. What is important is that, is that were having a baby. And its notDoesnt matter who came on to who.
[Scene: The Rehearsal Dinner, Chandler and Monica are greeting guests as they arrive. A woman enters.]
Rachel: Oh please. Okay, anyone in this room think that I would send Ross begging symbols, please show of hands. (Ross raises his hand and no one else.)
Joey: Well I can promise you, at least one person will be crying. (Points to himself) Im an actor, and any actor worth himself can cry on cue. (snaps fingers)
Phoebe: (nasally) Greg and Jenny?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, time has lapsed, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Monica are sitting at the kitchen table.]
(Joey and Phoebe laugh.)
Joey: Yeah! Yeah sure, just long as its handled tastefully and that barn is not too cold.
(Monica goes over and dials their number.)
Monica: Yeah, well you call her and tell her that yknow when we were kids her precious little Frannie tried to undress me several times, okay? And if I hadnt have stopped her, there probably wouldnt even be a wedding to go too.
Phoebe: Excuse me, I dont want Greg and Jennys rejects.
Joey: Yknow what? Dont worry about it, you still got me and Phoebe.
Joey: The skys blue Ross and I had sex yesterday!
Phoebe: Okay, I cant believe that Monica and Chandler are getting married. I remember talking about this day with Rachel while we were showering together, naked. (Raises her glass and drinks.)
Ross: (in his head) Shes your cousin. Shes your cousin! If she knew what was going on in your head shed think you were sick! (She grabs some popcorn.) Or would she? Lets back up a second. She was the one who suggested opening a bottle of wine. She was the one who turned down the lights. She was the one that wanted to rent Logans Run, the sexiest movie ever. (She grabs the blanket from behind him and looks at him.) Oh, I know that look. Forget it. I want it. She wants it. Im going in.