words in movies
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Monica and Chandler are making out on one of the chairs.]
Joey: Well, I'm sorry if I'm not a middle-aged black woman! (Starts for his room.) And I'm also sorry if sometimes I go to the wrong audition! Okay, look, if I have to pretend I don't know about you two, then you two are gonna have to pretend there's nothing to know about.
Chandler and Monica: Okay.
(They wait for Joey to go into his room and close the door and then start making out again.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, and Monica are there as Phoebe enters carrying a large box.]
Phoebe: Yeah, my mom sent me a family heirloom that once belonged to my grandmother. Can you believe it?! A year ago I didn't even have a family, and now I have heirlooms for crying out loud.
(She puts her leg up on the chair and removes this huge knife from her boot to open the box with. The guys are shocked at the knife's existence.)
Phoebe: Eeeee-(She opens the box and removes its contents and sees that it's a fur coat.)-ohh!! God! (She throws it at Joey.)
Ross: Look, if I can just do what Emily wants and get her to New York, I'm sure everything will be fine.
Phoebe: Oh my God! You got off easy! When my friend Silvie's husband said someone else's name in bed, she cursed him and turned his thingy green.
(Ross suddenly gets up and heads for the bathroom.)
[Scene: The Storage Room in the basement of Monica and Rachel's building, Monica and Rachel are looking for something.]
(The single light flickers and goes out. Leaving the room in total darkness.)
(Rachel grabs the bug bomb, activates it, throws it at the figure, and they both run out through the fog.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are there.]
Ross: Nothing. Oh, actually, great news! I just got off the phone with Emily and it looks like I'm moving to a new apartment. Woo-hoo!
Ross: Well, her thought is, and I agree, fresh new furniture, why not a fresh new apartment? Her cousin has this great place to sublet, it's got a view of the river on one side and Columbia on the other.
Chandler: Now that's so funny, because last Christmas I got the gift of space. We should get them together and make a continuum.
(Monica and Rachel enter breathless.)
Monica: We were, we were just in the storage area and we saw this really creepy man!
Monica: And he came at us with an axe, so Rachel had to use a bug bomb on him!
Rachel: (proud of herself) Yeah, I-I-I just pulled the tab and I just fogged his yeti ass!
[Scene: Their Building, Monica and Rachel are going to apologize to Danny. Rachel knocks on his door, which he opens and he has this really bushy beard and long hair. Picture Paul Bunyan.]
(He closes the door. Rachel's not happy with that and knocks again. He opens the door.)
(He closes the door again. Once again, Rachel knocks (harder this time) and he answers it.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is making a drink as Phoebe enters with the fur coat.]
(Rachel enters from the bathroom and sees the coat.)
Rachel: What? Uhh, Phoebe, honey, honey, I know you're quirky and I get a big kick out of it, we all do actually, but if you destroy a coat like this that is like a crime against nature! Not nature, fashion!
Phoebe: This is fashion?! (Grabs the coat from Rachel.) Okay, so to you, death is fashion?! That's really funny. (She puts the coat on and starts to model it.) Here's Phoebe umm, sporting uh, y'know, cutting edge hairy carcass from y'know, the steal traps of wintry Russia. I mean, you really thing this looks good? (Sees herself in the mirror.) 'Cause I do.
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, the gang is helping Ross move out by carrying boxes. Chandler has picked a particularly large and apparently heavy box, because he takes a running start at it and still can't budge it.]
(He picks up a smaller box and carries it to the moving van as Joey returns.)
Joey: Ohh. Hey, remember when I ran into this thing (The shutters that close off the kitchen.) and it kinda knocked me out a little?
Joey: It's not right what Emily wants you to do! She is totally-(The gang enters behind Joey and Phoebe pinches him again.)-Owww!! Stop pinching me! Look, now you guys said I only had to keep my mouth shut as long as Ross was happy, right? Well he just told me that he's not entirely happy.
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler are recovering from Ross's rebuke.]
(Monica and Chandler turn and stare at him.)
Phoebe: Well, I've been reading up and for your information, minks are not very nice. Okay, I admit it! I love this coat! Okay, Iit's the best thing I've ever had wrapped around me, including Phil Huntley! (She starts to leave but stops and says to Monica.) Remember Phil Huntley? He was fine!
[Scene: Their building's lobby, Danny is checking his mailbox as Rachel enters carrying shopping bags and goes to her mailbox. Danny has shaved his beard and cut his hair, Rachel doesn't recognize him.]
Danny: Come on, you got the shopping bags and the Sack's catalog.
Rachel: And stop saying that! I hate that!
(Rachel decides not to give up that easily and follows him to his apartment and bangs on the door, which he opens.)
Rachel: Fine! I judged you. I made a snap judgement. But you did it too! And you are worse because you are sticking to your stupid snap judgement! You can't even open up your mind for a second to see if you're wrong! What does that say about you?
Joey: Look, Ross, I feel really bad. I mean, you're going through all this stuff and I just acted like a jerk.
Phoebe: Yes! Exactly! And that's why
Monica: Why don't you come over tonight? And I'll make you favorite dinner.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang, minus Rachel, are getting ready for dinner.]
Rachel: Come on you guys! Listen, if Emily knew I was here having dinner you with you she would flip out and you know it. It's okay, I really I don't mind.
[Time lapse, dinner is now finished and Ross is looking out the window.]
Joey: Well uh, I don't know about who's here, but I can tell you for damn sure who's not here and that's Rachel!!
(Rachel waves her hands in disgust and starts to head for her room.)
Ross: Emily that's ridiculous. Look, I'm-I'm moving for you, I'm cutting friends out of my life for you. Please, just get on the plane and come to New York. Okay, you'll see you're the only person I want to be with.
Emily: I'll feel better when I'm there, and I can know where you are all the time.
Joey: You can totally tell! Here look, watch me. (He stands up and turns his back to them so that he is facing the window.) Smile! Frown. Smile! Frown. (The camera cuts to Ross outside hanging up the phone.) Smile! (Ross turns around and sees Joey alternately smiling and frowning and just stares at him for a second and heads back inside.)
[Scene: A curbside newsstand, Phoebe is whistling and walking up to it wearing her fur coat. She stops and starts to look through a magazine and notices a squirrel on a nearby tree chirping at her.]
Phoebe: (to the squirrel) Okay, stop tormenting me! This mink! Okay, they're mean! And they hate squirrels! And y'know, okay, most of these probably wanted to be coats! (The squirrel stares at her.) All right, fine, now I get it. (To the clerk.) Here. (She hands him her coat.) You take it. (To the squirrel.) Are you happy now? I'm cold!
Phoebe: 'Cause he was creepy, and mean, and a little frightening... alright, still, it's nice to have a date on Valentine's Day!
Ross: Now that is funny. Hey, do you think...would it be too weird if I invited Carol over to join us? 'Cause she's, she's alone now, and pregnant, and, and sad.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, firemen are there to handle the bonfire that got out of control.]
Ross: Are you sure? Great. Carol? Wanna come over and join us?
Carol: All you need is a woman who likes men and you'll be set.
Angela: Bob is great. He's smart, he's sophisticated, and he has a real job. You, you go on three auditions a month and you call yourself an actor, but Bob...
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving Joey, Ross, and Monica their drinks.]
Rachel: And a nice hot cider for Monica. (Hands it to her.)
(She takes the pencil out of Monica's coffee and Monica puts her cup down in disgust.)
Chandler: Yeah, can I get a 3-piece, some cole slaw, some beans, and a Coke-(Yelps in
Rachel: Oh! That's why. (Rachel checks behind her ear, and finds a cinamon stick.) I'm sorry!
Phoebe: Hey you guys! Chandler's coming and he says he has, like, this incredible news, so when he gets here, we could all act like, you know...
Phoebe: Hi! (turns back to Chandler, then to Monica) Oh, yeah, no, I know. You're a chef. I know, and I thought of you first, but um, Chandler's the one who needs a job right now, so....
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler walks in, wearing a suit.]
(Chandler, Monica and Phoebe looks at him)
Chandler: Was it formerly owned by a blonde woman and some bears?
Rachel: (pause) And Monica, what are you going to make?
Phoebe: Ooh! I know what you could make! (runs over to join Monica and Rachel in the kitchen) I know! Oh, you should definitely make that thing... you know, with the stuff? (Monica doesn't know.) You know, that thing... with the stuff...? OK, I don't know. (sits down)
Chandler: And he's not speaking metaphorically.
Joey: (aside to Ross) So.... back to your place...you thinking, maybe... (gestures with hands, back and forth) huh-huh?
Ross: Oh, I just thought we could go out to dinner, and then maybe bring her back to my place and I'd introduce her to my monkey.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, 3:02 A.M., Chandler is up. There's a knock on the door and Chandler answers it.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there but Ross and Chandler. Monica is making food, and having everyone try it.]
Janice: Hello, Joey, our little matchmaker. I could just kiss you all over, and I'm gonna!
Janice: You seek me out. Something deep in your soul calls out to me like a foghorn. Janice, Janice. You want me. You need me. You can't live without me. And you know it. You just don't know you know it. See ya.
Rachel: (comes up and rubs him on the chest) Oh Chandler, I know, I know... oh, hey! You can see your nipples through this shirt!
Rachel: I dunno.. I-I thought it looked better there. And I- and also, it's an extra seat around the coffee table.
Joey: I'm telling you, that monkey is a chick magnet! She's going to take one look at his furry, cute little face and it'll seal the deal.
(They get into a wrestling match, that ends with Ross making Rachel paint her forehead with the nail polish. They both end up lying next to each other, stop, and look at each other for a moment.)
Monica: But, you see, it's just... this night has to go just perfect, you know? And, well, Wendy's more of a... professional waitress.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Ross are there, discussing what happened last night.]
Joey: Why not? Come on! Just, just close your eyes and tell me what you'd like to be doing right now.
Ross: ....and....
Ross: I want to take my tongue... and...
(Chandler leans back against the wall and Ross and Joey hear him. Ross and Joey both notice at the same time. They slowly stop, and then very slowly turn around to see Chandler staring at them.)
Joey: And again, and again, and again... (phone rings, he answers) Hello? (hands phone to Chandler) And again.
(At this point, Chandler walks into the living room from his bedroom. Ross and Joey both have their backs to him, so they don't notice. Chandler sees the situation and remains quiet, watching.)
Tommy: (noticing the chick) Ooh, hey! Hey, there little fella. (picks up the chick) Mr. Fuzzy-Man, how are you doing? (starts to pet him) Aww. (The chick poops on his hand.) Eww! Oh! Eww! Gross! Idiot!! Stupid little, fuzzy, yellow creature!! Oh look at me, Im so cute, Im a little chick whos disgusting! God, youre so stupid, how are you not yet extinct!! (the duck wattles behind him and quacks) (to the duck) Quack-quack, quack-quack!! What are you quacking about?! Dumb Donald Doo-Doo!!
Monica: Well umm, we were just talking about the yknow, the Swing Kings and just wondering whether yknow, they were the right way to go.
Rachel: And here we have the last of Paulo's grappa.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the phone. Rachel walks in and overhears the conversation.]
(They leave on the tour and Rachel goes to follow them but Phoebe stops her and drags her into the kitchen.)
Steve: Well, smack my ass and call me Judy! These are fantastic!
Joey: Oh yeah-yeah. And I got the duck totally trained. Watch this. Stare at the wall. (The duck complies.) Hardly move. (The duck complies.) Be white. (The duck complies.)
Steve: Macaroni and cheese! We gotta make this!
Monica: You know, if you just wait another... six and a half minutes...
Chandler: Varrrrrroom! Hey! Watch it lady! Varrrrrrrrrrom! (makes a screeching sound as he pretends to stomp on the brakes.) Hey-hey good lookin! (honks the beds little horn on the steering wheel.) Varrrrrrrrroom. (notices Rachel and stops) All right, Ill leave. My beds so boring.
ROSS: Look, do you love her? And you don't have to be too emphatic about this.
(Ross gets up and goes over to the counter and Joey follows him.)
Joey: Whoa! And the... (gestures with hands) huh-huh?
Phoebe Sr: (on phone) Ah, oh, hang on a second. (to Phoebe) Come in, come in. (on phone) All right, so think about it, and call me back. (hangs up)
Phoebe: You guys wanna try and catch a late movie or something?
(Joey listens to his overcoat for a second and sighs, then notices Chandler watching)
Phoebe: There you go! (She continues to work him over with her elbows and he continues to yell in pain.)
(Ursula notices Joey waving his hand, and comes over.)
Ursula: Right, yeah, cause its close to where I live, and the aprons are really cute.
Chandler and Joey: No, no, no!
JULIE: And my second grade teacher was Ms. Thomas, and my first grade teacher was Mrs. Cobb.
Ross: Rachel says sharing's great and supposedly, you know, we outta be doing it. Do you wanna?
Ross: And then, like three days in a row he got to the newspaper before I did, and peed all over the crossword.
Chandler: All right, now look at her and tell me she doesnt look exactly like her sister.
Chandler: You know that thing, when you and I talk to each other about things?
Phoebe: Ok, I've got milk (takes thermos from her bag and starts to pour a cup) Here you go... (Rachel drinks straight from thermos) Oh!(Rachel finishes thermos) Better?
Rachel: So, is this just gonna be you and Carol?
(Rachel grins as Ross removes the girlie jacket, grabs his own, and rushes out.)
[Scene: The Lamaze class, several couples and one trio sit on the floor, introducing themselves to the teacher, whos got as far as a woman sitting next to Ross, Carol, and Susan.]
Carol: Susan and I live together.
Ross: All right, all right, it's just that you left a red sock in with all your whites, and now, everything's kinda pink.
Chandler: And (he imitates the buzzer) to you too, Helen.
RYAN: If I had one wish, it would be to build a time machine, go back to when I was 7, when Jimmy Hauser had the chicken pox. I would grab that kid and rub him all over my face.
Amanda: (noticing the bottle of wine he has) Oh, I don't mean to be a square, but I'd really appreciate it if you wait and drink your wine after the kids are asleep? Oh uh, thanks for this, I hope I can do the same for you sometime. (She leaves)
Ross: Oh my God. Ohh, my little sister and my best friend shaking up. Oh, thats great. Thats great. (Kisses and hugs her.)
Phoebe: Well, I mean, Im not my sisters, you know, whatever, and um... I mean, its true, we were one egg, once, but err, you know, weve grown apart, so, um... I dont know, why not? Okay.
Joey: Loud and clear! (Mouths, "Youll show me," and nods.)
Chandler: It was an accident. Not like I was across the street with a telescope and a box of donuts.
Rachel: He plays for the Yankees. Seriously, ESPN! Just once and a while, have it on in the background. (Chandler nods and Rachel grabs another tux) Ooh, this one was Pierce Brosnan!
Chandler: A cool phone number, and a possible name for the kid.
Ross and Susan: What? What? What?
Chandler: And?
Phoebe: Ok, and I have the, uh receipt for my dinner with Nokululu Oon Ah Ah.
Chandler: Hey, listen, I know I came in late last week, but I slept funny, and my hair was very very –
(Nina gasps in surprise and relief.)
Fran: Look, youre cold, I have to pee, and... (indicating the sign) ..theres a cup of coffee on the window. How bad could it be?
Phoebe: Well, what I really want is for my mom to be alive and enjoy it with me.
(Phoebe turns away so that the two weird women wont see the face she pulls, and sits down.)
Phoebe: (Smiling blankly) Right, and its me.
Rachel and Chandler: Hey.
Ross: Both logic and math are taking a serious hit today.
Joey: Hey, Phoebe, I asked you, and you said it was okay.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, sure. I just hope you, hope you dont accidentally suck it up through your nose and choke on it.
Joey: So what, like people are gonna come in and think, "Uh-oh, I'm outside again?" Of course!
David: Uhm... uhm... Goodbye... Uh... Schto ya ztez vigul... ui... (David holds his hands gently on the back of Phoebe's neck. There's a sound of a a bunch of keys rattling, and the door opens... It's Mike)
Dr. Long: (To Joey) Uh, if you have any questions, heres some information on Braxton-Hicks. (Hands Joey a pamphlet.) Oh and by the way, you did the right thing by bringing her in. Youre gonna make a wonderful father.
Teacher: Lights please? And thats having a baby. Next week is our final class.
The Producer: This is Wayne, the man who created and operates C.H.E.E.S.E.
Chandler: Whoa! And this manchild has no problem with how old you are?
Written by: Adam Chase and Ira Ungerleider Transcribed by guineapig
Soothing male voice: ..a sound Mom and Dad never forget. For this after all, is the miracle of birth.
Chandler: You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that, that monkeys and babies are actually different.
(Joey walks toward the door, then hesitates and turns back.)