words in movies
Written by: Perry Rein and Gigi McCreey Transcribed by: Aaron D. Howard-Miller
[Scene: Joey and Janines, Chandler knocks on the front door. Joey answers the door.]
Chandler: Hi, my names Chandler. I just moved in next door and I was wondering if you would be interested in battling me in a post-apoplectic world for control of the galaxies last remaining energy source?
Joey: Yeah, but, hey look, dont go through her stuff. She gets really mad.(Chandler gives him a look and walks to the door of his old room.)
Chandler: (The room is filled with flowers and a floral print sheet on the bed.) Oh my God. What is th its like a guy never lived in here. Look, youve got to be careful. This girl thing is dangerous. (Looking around the living room.) Its spreading already.
Chandler: (Pointing to the table and picking up the box.) Is that your tiny little box, thats too small to put anything in?
Joey: (Grunting) Hmm. (Monica opens the front door and comes in.)
Phoebe: (Walking over and Sitting down.) Hey.
Phoebe: Im, uhh, making up flyers trying to get new massage clients. So, can I come to Bloomingdales and use the copy machine.
Rachel: But, Pheebs, you can still use the copy machine where I actually work. But, just come by at lunch so my boss doesnt see you. Cause Kim will just freak out and she already doesnt like me very much.
Phoebe: Now you will not believe this. But, I was in the copy room, making copies, and Ralph Lauren came in.
Phoebe: Yeah. I was just in there. He introduced himself and the next thing I know, were making out. You know.
[Scene: Joey and Janines apartment, Joey stares at a picture of a bay on the wall. Janine comes out of her room.]
Joey: Look I dont know this baby. I dont know if shes a famous artist or not. You know, and I dont want to be a jerk but youre changing too much around here.
Joey: Yeah but its too much stuff. You know like, you got the candles and the foofy schmoofer thing here and over here you got a picture of a watering can.
Joey: Im sure its a famous watering can, okay. But, come on and what is with the really hot stick in the bathroom?
Joey: Ohh, well, thats ok then. But, okay my towels for instance. I come in to the bathroom here and my towel is not on the floor where keep it. Its up here on some hook..and smells different.
Rachel: So you know, I I handed in that marketing report and I never got to hear what you thought.
Rachel: So I hear the Ralph Lauren fooled around with someone in the copy room. (Kim stops the elevator and turns to Rachel.)
[Scene; Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are on the couch. Ross walks in.]
Chandler and Monica: Hey.
Rachel: Yeah I know. She ran into him at my office and they just made out. And the craziest thing is, now my boss likes me because I told her about it and she said it was the best gossip shed heard all year.
Phoebe: Hey. Here. (Hands Chandler a copy of her flyer and sees the picture of Ralph.) Ohh, whos the silver fox?
Phoebe: Yeah, no, Ralph doesnt look anything like that guy. Hes-hes young and hes got long hair and a beard and a hacky sack.
Rachel: Oh..Go..Oh..and I told my boss that someone made out with Ralph Lauren. If she finds out that I lied to her, she is going to hate me even more. Phoebe!!
[Scene: Rosss Apartment, Ross and Monica are there.]
Monica: (Holding a shirt in front of Ross.) Okay, maybe this will make your teeth look less white. (Ross has a big smile.) Nope. Okay, colors that dont work are blue, yellow, green, red, black, white, orange, and purple.
Monica: All right, half the people. I mean, just try it and see.
[Scene: Chandlers and Monicas apartment, Chandler and Monica are sitting at the kitchen table making potpourri sachets.]
Monica: Now are drawers will smell nice and we didnt waste these pantyhose.
Monica: Yeah. Go over to Joeys. Go over to Joeys and drink some beer and hammer up some drywall.
Chandler: You know when guys hang out they dont just drink some beer and hammer up drywall?
[Scene: Joey and Janines apartment, Chandler walks in. Joey and Janine are knitting at the kitchen counter.]
[Scene: Elevator at the Ralph Lauren offices, Kims waiting for it. The door opens and Rachel is inside.]
Kim: Oh thats interesting? Because I checked and only one keycard was used to access the copy machine yesterday during lunch and that keycard belonged to you, Rachel.
[Scene: Hillarys apartmen,. Hillary and Ross are having dinner. He is avoiding opening his mouth.]
Hillary: And after that, what could I do except become a chef.
Hillary: And someday soon, I hope to open my own restaurant.
Hillary: You know, youre a really great listener. Most guys I go out with, they just talk and talk.
Ross: Hmm-Hmm-Hmm. (Putting his hand up to block his mouth.) Okay. I, uh, am from Long Island. I-I came to the city for college. Um, I, um, have a 5 year old son and in my spare time I like to read spy novels. But, but, lets talk more about you. Hmm.
[Scene: Joey and Janines apartment, Joey and Monica are arranging flowers. Chandler walks in.]
Monica: Okay. Oh but Joey, come over later because Im going to teach you to make a bird feeder out of just a pine cone and some peanut butter.
Joey: Hey. Hey look I am still Joey, okay. Flowers theyre just, you know, theyre nice to look at. And that happens to be a picture by a famous artist. Of a famous baby.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are there.]
Rachel: Now, she thinks that I made out with him and I did it to get her job.
[Scene: Hillarys apartment, Hillary and Ross are finishing up their date.]
Ross: (Giggling) Hmm-Hmm-Hmm. (Picking up a piece of bread and covering his mouth.) Me, neither. Ive had a really good time too, you know. (Putting the bread down.)
Hillary: Okay. (She goes to turn the lights off and Ross sits on the couch. She has some black light posters on the wall.)
Ross: (Looking at the posters.) Wow, cool poster. Or should I say groovy poster? (They sit down on the couch. Ross smiles and the black light fluoresces his teeth.) So, ahh, where were we?
Rachel: Okay..Okay.. Look. Im sorry that I lied to you before. You were right. Ralph and I were an item but were not anymore.
Rachel: (Faking crying.) Yeah, he dumped me. He said, "Rachel, I cant do this. Even though you are a very, very, very beautiful women. I cant do this. Im married and Im sorry." And then I dont know why but he said, "and you will never get promoted. Especially not above Kim, who is an integral cog in the Ralph Lauren machine."
Rachel: Of course its true and it hurts so bad.
Rachel: You and Ralph?
[Scene: Joey and Janines apartment, Joey paces the floor waiting for Janine. She walks in.]
Joey: Great Great and thanks for being so understanding. I mean, I didnt want to make a big deal out of this, you know. (She starts to collect all the girlie stuff up.) You could, uh, put the picture of the famous baby in my room. I mean, if you want to.
Joey: And, uhh, maybe the watering can there.
Joey: And a couple of these little tiny boxes.
Joey: Hold on. Hold on. (Picking up a note pad and writing and reading the message aloud.) Rachel coming. Do...Something.
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, The phone rings and Joey answers it.]
Rachel: How about you guys? (Points to Phoebe and Joey.)
Phoebe: That fan kinda looks like ours. And the birdcage and the wait a sec! This is our exact living room!
Joey: (To Ross) Uh, Rachel's here, so good luck man, let me know how it works out. (He hangs up the phone and strands Ross in the bathroom.)
JOEY: Well I guess I gotta start savin' up for Ross's birthday, so I guess I'll just stay home and eat dust bunnies.
Rachel: Or Carol! But theyre funny to kids and who is it hurting?!
Chandler: You dont think Ive tried? You think I like having 50 dollars taken out of my bank account every month? No, they make you go all the way down there! Then they use all of these phrases and peppiness to try and confuse you! Then they bring out Maria.
(Ross opens the door and steps into the living room. He has fully removed his pants and holds them wrapped into a ball in front of his crotch. His legs are covered in the powder and lotion paste. He looks terrible.)
Ross: They're still, they're still not coming on man and the lotion and the powder have made a paste!
Ross: This year was supposed to be great! But, it's only the second day and I'm a loser with stupid leather pants that don't even fit!
[Scene: The Atlantis Resort, Chandler and Monica are arriving to check in, but are behind the couple from before again.]
Phoebe: Bye! (She exits, leaving Rachel and Joey alone.)
[Time lapse, Monica is now wearing the dress while doing the dishes and is making like she is thanking her guests for coming to her wedding. Paging Dr. Crane. Dr. Fraiser Crane!]
Monica: Are you nuts?! We've got George Stephanopoulos' pizza! (Rachel pays him, Monica grabs some binoculars, and runs to the window.)
Rachel: (quietly) Yeah. Well. (Pause.) Hey uh Joe, would mind going over to Chandler's bedroom and get that book back that he borrowed from me?
Rachel: I'm not gonna tell you, but if you found out on your own, that would be okay and then we could talk about it. Right?
Rachel: AND YOU KNOW!!!
Emily: I wish I could know if youd heard any of that. I suppose Ive either just told you I love you or given my neighbours a good laugh. Mrs. Newman if youre listening, bugger off this in none of your business. I suppose theres not much chance you did heard that, and theres the call waiting so, I should go. Oh well. (Answers the call waiting.) Hello.
Joey and Rachel: Hey!
Rachel: Dr. Long, Ive been at this for seventeen hours! Three women have come and gone with their babies, you gotta give me some good news! How many centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine?
Rachel: Chandler and Monica?!! Oh, this is unbelievable!! How long have you known?
Joey: Yeah-yeah. And the craziest thing is that I just ate a whole pizza by myself! (Laughs)
Monica: And he came at us with an axe, so Rachel had to use a bug bomb on him!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Ross, and Monica are there.]
Joey: Too long! Oh my God, Rach, I've been dying to talk to someone about this for so long! Listen, listen, we can't say anything about this to anybody, they're so weird about that! Listen (Phoebe returns and interrupts them.)
(He points to where she's sitting and she jumps up quickly.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is trying to pry more information about Chandler and Monica from Joey who's sitting on the couch and busy downing a pizza.]
Joey: Sorry. Monica and Chandler are making love.
Joey: Rach, I told you everything I knew last night! Look, it's not that big of a deal, so Monica and Chandler are doing it.
[Scene: Chandler's office, Monica and him are at a party his office is throwing.]
Monica: Ooh, and I can do this. (She kisses him on the cheek.)
Monica: I think this is so cool because none of our friends are here and we can be a real couple. We don't have to hide.
Rachel: I know, I know! I just can't keep this one in, so I pick up the phone (Joey in a childish attempt to not hear what Rachel is about to say, puts his fingers in his ears and starts to scream loudly. Rachel turns and walks out upon seeing that Joey's not gonna listen, and as she exits Chandler walks in and sees Joey in his current state.)
Rachel: Awful, absolutely awful. (Plus other negative comments from Phoebe and Monica.)
Doug: Hi! And this is my wife Kara.
Rachel: Oh umm, y'know I lent it to Joey and I never actually got it back.
Rachel: Well yeah, I do, but I decided to take a long lunch and spend some time with my friend Monica. Y'know I-I feel that we don't talk anymore. How are you? What is new with you?
Phoebe: Nothing! (Picks up and sets the chick down on the floor.) (To the chick.) This is not over!
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Phoebe is settling a dispute between the chick and the duck.]
ROSS: Well, uh, for your information, there's a woman at the museum, who's curator of moths and other... uh... winged things... who's, uh, let it be known that she is drawn to me much like a... well, you know. But so far I've been keeping her at bay, but, uh, if this is the deal...
Ross: Yeah, I'm gonna stay and read my book. I just wanna be alone right now.
Kara: (out of breath and mouths) I'm not all right.
(Hits the ball towards Chandler who returns it back to him. He then hits the ball at Monica who slams it and it bounces off Kara's leg.)
Ross: Yeah, okay, hold on! (He puts the phone down and proceeds to spread a large amount of powder on his legs and makes another attempt at pulling up his pants. It doesn't work, and without picking up the phone leans down to it.) (Almost in tears.) They're not coming on man.
Doug: Yeah, Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe.
(She serves to Doug who returns it to Chandler. As it bounces over his head Chandler swings and misses.)
Monica: You had a bathroom break at 2030. Pee on your own time, Mike! (to Phoebe and Mike). Now, in regard to the toast, okay, you wanna keep them short, nothing kills a rehearsal dinner like long speeches. Okay. You just get in, do your thing and get out!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Chandler are returning from the game.]
(Chandler cuts in front of her and hits the ball high and long.)
Krista: Oh, this is so good (A piece of cake.) you have got to try it. (She takes some on her finger and feeds it to Danny. Then takes a little more and does it again. Meanwhile, the rest of the gang stares on in shock. Then they pick up a part of it and some filling falls into his lap.)
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, the next morning the girls are there with Joey.]
Joey: Oh. Are you sure you don't want to come? Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, they get mail and stuff.
Rachel: Hey, can I borrow the key to your house so I can run across the street and make a copy?
[Suddenly the door opens and Ross's mystery girl enters. I'll give you a hint to who it is: OH .MY .GAWD!! Uh-huh, it's Janice.]
Monica: Oh my God! (She goes to hug him, stops short, and hits him on the shoulder.) Where the hell have you been?!!
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, continued from earlier.]
Janice: Oh! Okay! (To Ross) You, Mister Right Place at the Right Time, call me! (Does her famous, or is that infamous, laugh and exits.)
Joey: (entering) Hey guys! I was at the library all morning and I already finished my five pages for today!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is going through her purse as Rachel rushes in.]
(They all turn and glare at Ross.)
Ross: (entering) Hey! So, uhh, Amanda just-just dropped me off. Yeah, that's one of the things I love about her, she's...uh, she's old enough to drive. (to Monica) So uhh, I guess you're not going to mom and dad's tonight?
Monica: Are you crazy?! We own those two! I mean look at 'um, he can't breath and she's popping pills.
Rachel: I overheard you guys on the phone the other day, and you said, "I'll just tell Rachel that I'm doing laundry for a couple of hours." And he said, "Laundry? Is that my new nickname?" And you said, "No! You know what your nickname is, Mr. Big."
Rachel: Ugh, Monica, I know about you and Chandler.
Monica: Me and Chandler?! (Does her fake laugh.)
Rachel: All right. So you're telling me that there is nothing going on between you and Chandler.
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Phoebe and Joey are there.]
Joey: All right. Let's get the contestants out of their isolation booths. (He removes the waste bucket that's over the duck and the laundry basket that's over the chicken.) And they're off! (He puts his foot in front of the chick, stopping it from moving.)
(Neither of them turns around from watching the chick and the duck look for the tasty treat.)
Joey: And the duck gets the Nutter-Butter!
(Doug and Kara go get the coffee.)
[Scene: Doug's house, Chandler, Monica, and them are just finishing dinner.]
Doug: But seriously, I believe that we should all support President Clinton. And her husband Bill. (Chandler does the laugh.)
(Joey starts playing with a toy alligator and has it attack him.)
Ross: I dont know! Just-just talk to him-entertain him and keep him alive.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is going through the mail as Joey enters.]
[Cut to Chandler, Joey, and Ross's apartment, Rachel enters and sneaks up to Chandler's bedroom where she overhears Chandler and Monica talking.]
Joey: Oh well, Chandler and Monica are over there and it's kinda hard to concentrate.
Joey: Oh, it's easy. Yeah, I-I can do it with anything. Watch uh, (snaps his fingers and in a sexy voice) Grandma's chicken salad
[Cut to Elizabeth Hornswoggle's bathroom, Ross frantically pulls his shirt out and drops his pants. He exhales in sheer ecstasy as the coolness of the bathroom envelops his legs. He sits on the cast iron bathtub, again gasping in pleasure. He next grabs a magazine and starts to blow air on his exposed legs, but that doesn't work the way he wants it to. So he throws the magazine down, looks around for another idea, and finds one. He jumps up and hops to the sink. He turns on the water and starts to splash some on his legs, cooling them further.]
(Rachel decides not to confront them and starts to walk out, knocking over a lamp in the process.)
MONICA: I wanna buy 5 shares of SGJ and I wanna buy them now. C'mon time is money my friend. Thank you. Wooo.
Rachel: 'Kay. (Pause.) Congratulations on your new job. (She goes and hugs Monica and is almost in tears.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Janice are sitting on the couch.]
Janice: I know! I know! And then you lose your apartment! And then you lose your job! And then your ex-wife gets married so fast! And now the coffeeahh!! Ross, we need to talk.
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Chandler is reading a magazine as Ross hands him a beer.]
Ross: (entering) Okay, that's it. I cannot make this decision! It is too difficult, so I'm just gonna leave it entirely to the gods of fate. (He holds up and starts shaking a )
Chandler: And, I want you to remember that I gave you twenty (counts his money) seven dollars. No strings attached. Now, if you can't remember that, I think we should write it downlet's write it down!
(She starts the massage, only she is doing extremely hard and Chandler is gasping in pain.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch.]
Chandler: I'm telling you, she gives the worst massages ever!! Okay, it was like she was torturing me for information. And I wanted to give it up I justI didn't know what it was!
Chandler: (examining the hat) And the bunny got away. (Turns and starts looking for the bunny as Joey puts the hat on.)
Ross: (walking up with Rachel and carrying coffee) Hey.
(Chandler picks up a basket from the table and puts it on his head.)
Ross: Ive been back and forth.
Phoebe: Well umm, okay we were in the market and she bent down to get some yogurt and she just never came back up again.
Ross: I was up all night writing this really nasty letter to Emily! It was perfect and now it's all covered in-in (The duck quacks.) Actually, thanks!
Phoebe: It's okay. Actually y'know what, it's kinda cool. 'Cause it's like y'know, one life ends and another begins.
Phoebe: It's okay, I mean she had a really incredible life. And it's not like I'm never gonna see her again, y'know she's gonna visit.