words in movies
Written by: Perry Rein and Gigi McCreey Transcribed by: Aaron D. Howard-Miller
[Scene: Joey and Janines, Chandler knocks on the front door. Joey answers the door.]
Chandler: Hi, my names Chandler. I just moved in next door and I was wondering if you would be interested in battling me in a post-apoplectic world for control of the galaxies last remaining energy source?
Joey: Yeah, but, hey look, dont go through her stuff. She gets really mad.(Chandler gives him a look and walks to the door of his old room.)
Chandler: (The room is filled with flowers and a floral print sheet on the bed.) Oh my God. What is th its like a guy never lived in here. Look, youve got to be careful. This girl thing is dangerous. (Looking around the living room.) Its spreading already.
Chandler: (Pointing to the table and picking up the box.) Is that your tiny little box, thats too small to put anything in?
Joey: (Grunting) Hmm. (Monica opens the front door and comes in.)
Phoebe: (Walking over and Sitting down.) Hey.
Phoebe: Im, uhh, making up flyers trying to get new massage clients. So, can I come to Bloomingdales and use the copy machine.
Rachel: But, Pheebs, you can still use the copy machine where I actually work. But, just come by at lunch so my boss doesnt see you. Cause Kim will just freak out and she already doesnt like me very much.
Phoebe: Now you will not believe this. But, I was in the copy room, making copies, and Ralph Lauren came in.
Phoebe: Yeah. I was just in there. He introduced himself and the next thing I know, were making out. You know.
[Scene: Joey and Janines apartment, Joey stares at a picture of a bay on the wall. Janine comes out of her room.]
Joey: Look I dont know this baby. I dont know if shes a famous artist or not. You know, and I dont want to be a jerk but youre changing too much around here.
Joey: Yeah but its too much stuff. You know like, you got the candles and the foofy schmoofer thing here and over here you got a picture of a watering can.
Joey: Im sure its a famous watering can, okay. But, come on and what is with the really hot stick in the bathroom?
Joey: Ohh, well, thats ok then. But, okay my towels for instance. I come in to the bathroom here and my towel is not on the floor where keep it. Its up here on some hook..and smells different.
Rachel: So you know, I I handed in that marketing report and I never got to hear what you thought.
Rachel: So I hear the Ralph Lauren fooled around with someone in the copy room. (Kim stops the elevator and turns to Rachel.)
[Scene; Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are on the couch. Ross walks in.]
Chandler and Monica: Hey.
Rachel: Yeah I know. She ran into him at my office and they just made out. And the craziest thing is, now my boss likes me because I told her about it and she said it was the best gossip shed heard all year.
Phoebe: Hey. Here. (Hands Chandler a copy of her flyer and sees the picture of Ralph.) Ohh, whos the silver fox?
Phoebe: Yeah, no, Ralph doesnt look anything like that guy. Hes-hes young and hes got long hair and a beard and a hacky sack.
Rachel: Oh..Go..Oh..and I told my boss that someone made out with Ralph Lauren. If she finds out that I lied to her, she is going to hate me even more. Phoebe!!
[Scene: Rosss Apartment, Ross and Monica are there.]
Monica: (Holding a shirt in front of Ross.) Okay, maybe this will make your teeth look less white. (Ross has a big smile.) Nope. Okay, colors that dont work are blue, yellow, green, red, black, white, orange, and purple.
Monica: All right, half the people. I mean, just try it and see.
[Scene: Chandlers and Monicas apartment, Chandler and Monica are sitting at the kitchen table making potpourri sachets.]
Monica: Now are drawers will smell nice and we didnt waste these pantyhose.
Monica: Yeah. Go over to Joeys. Go over to Joeys and drink some beer and hammer up some drywall.
Chandler: You know when guys hang out they dont just drink some beer and hammer up drywall?
[Scene: Joey and Janines apartment, Chandler walks in. Joey and Janine are knitting at the kitchen counter.]
[Scene: Elevator at the Ralph Lauren offices, Kims waiting for it. The door opens and Rachel is inside.]
Kim: Oh thats interesting? Because I checked and only one keycard was used to access the copy machine yesterday during lunch and that keycard belonged to you, Rachel.
[Scene: Hillarys apartmen,. Hillary and Ross are having dinner. He is avoiding opening his mouth.]
Hillary: And after that, what could I do except become a chef.
Hillary: And someday soon, I hope to open my own restaurant.
Hillary: You know, youre a really great listener. Most guys I go out with, they just talk and talk.
Ross: Hmm-Hmm-Hmm. (Putting his hand up to block his mouth.) Okay. I, uh, am from Long Island. I-I came to the city for college. Um, I, um, have a 5 year old son and in my spare time I like to read spy novels. But, but, lets talk more about you. Hmm.
[Scene: Joey and Janines apartment, Joey and Monica are arranging flowers. Chandler walks in.]
Monica: Okay. Oh but Joey, come over later because Im going to teach you to make a bird feeder out of just a pine cone and some peanut butter.
Joey: Hey. Hey look I am still Joey, okay. Flowers theyre just, you know, theyre nice to look at. And that happens to be a picture by a famous artist. Of a famous baby.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are there.]
Rachel: Now, she thinks that I made out with him and I did it to get her job.
[Scene: Hillarys apartment, Hillary and Ross are finishing up their date.]
Ross: (Giggling) Hmm-Hmm-Hmm. (Picking up a piece of bread and covering his mouth.) Me, neither. Ive had a really good time too, you know. (Putting the bread down.)
Hillary: Okay. (She goes to turn the lights off and Ross sits on the couch. She has some black light posters on the wall.)
Ross: (Looking at the posters.) Wow, cool poster. Or should I say groovy poster? (They sit down on the couch. Ross smiles and the black light fluoresces his teeth.) So, ahh, where were we?
Rachel: Okay..Okay.. Look. Im sorry that I lied to you before. You were right. Ralph and I were an item but were not anymore.
Rachel: (Faking crying.) Yeah, he dumped me. He said, "Rachel, I cant do this. Even though you are a very, very, very beautiful women. I cant do this. Im married and Im sorry." And then I dont know why but he said, "and you will never get promoted. Especially not above Kim, who is an integral cog in the Ralph Lauren machine."
Rachel: Of course its true and it hurts so bad.
Rachel: You and Ralph?
[Scene: Joey and Janines apartment, Joey paces the floor waiting for Janine. She walks in.]
Joey: Great Great and thanks for being so understanding. I mean, I didnt want to make a big deal out of this, you know. (She starts to collect all the girlie stuff up.) You could, uh, put the picture of the famous baby in my room. I mean, if you want to.
Joey: And, uhh, maybe the watering can there.
Joey: And a couple of these little tiny boxes.
Ross: and then, we couldve gone from the ceremony to the reception with you in the sidecar!
Rachel: No, I know, I know, and I'm sure your little boy is not going to grow up to be one.
(Phoebe's and Rachel's lines overlap)
(Joey and Chandler run in)
Joey and Chandler: What is it?
Girls: Yes, you're having a boy! (Monica runs over and hugs Ross)
Joey and Chandler: We already knew that! (they hug)
Joey: Then she came back with "The question is, when are you gonna grow up and realise I have a bomb?"
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there with her boyfriend Roger, talking to Rachel and Monica.]
[Next is a shot of them dragging an enormous plant into the room, then Monica knitting a sweater, then Phoebe singing, then Phoebe shaving him and chatting to Monica]
Rachel: He's so cute! And he seems to like you so much.
Phoebe: Oh, honey, honey, tell them the story about your patient who thinks things are, like, other things. Y'know? Like, the phone rings and she takes a shower.
Joey and Chandler: Shut-out!! (They both start heading for their rooms.)
Monica: You guys are always hanging out in my apartment! Come on, I'll only use my left hand, huh? Come on, wussies! (Joey and Chandler pick her up) All right, ok, I gotta go. I'm going, (they throw her out) and I'm gone.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Mr. Tribbiani is on the phone.]
Mr. Tribbiani: Oh, 'scuse me. So Ross, uh, how's the wife? (Ross whines and lays his head on Chandler's shoulder) Off there too, uh? Uh, Chandler, quick, say something funny!
Mr. Tribbiani: Joe, your dad's in love big time. And the worst part of it is, it's with two different women.
Roger: (Intercom) And Rog.
Ross: Fine! Thank you for warning me. At breakfast Ill be on full alert for room painting and sex weapons.
(Cut to Chandler, Ross and Roger sitting at the table. Ross is upset)
Rachel: I know, I mean, why can't parents just stay parents? (She walks over near Chandler and his gaze stays very obviously on her chest) Why do they have to become people? Why do they have... (Notices Chandler) Why can't you stop staring at my breasts?
Monica: Y'know, all these years, I thought you were on my side. But maybe what you were doing was sucking up to Mom and Dad so they'd keep liking you better!
(He shuts the door and Ross and Monica fling cookies at it)
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Joey are just leaving Monica and Rachel's.]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ronni is talking to Chandler. Joey's dad is not around.]
Joey: That's right, mister, and I don't care how old you are, as long as you're under my roof you're gonna live by my rules. And that means no sleeping with your girlfriend.
(Joey looks down and his look turns from shock to satisfaction.)
Phoebe: Probably? Yeah, I don't like that word. (Chandler and Monica look surprised) Kind of what probably really means. Yeah, uh-huh. Yeah, oh, "Your mom probably won't kill herself," yknow? I'm sorry, but I'm not hanging all my hopes of Rachel and I living together on-on "Probably!" Yknow? You gotta take care of yourselves! (She starts to walk out) In this world history teaches us nothing! (Exits)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, morning. Someone knocks on the door and Monica gets it.]
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, its just Monica and Chandler dancing to Wonderful Tonight on the Slowhand album by Eric Clapton. And you can buy that album from the CFSI, just click on the CDNow link.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is lamenting to everyone about hid dad's affair.]
(She opens the door and whips back the curtain. It's Joey. They both scream)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is cooking Thanksgiving dinner. Chandler is standing in the doorway, not wanting to participate in the festivities.]
Rachel: All right, all right, all right. Last night, I had a dream that, uh, you and I, were...
Rachel: But Joey, I dont think Ross wants me to move into his apartment and disrupt his life like that. I mean(Ross turns to her with wishful eyes.)Or he does.
Phoebe: Intense and creepy.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Both of them sitting on the couch, interviewing a nanny candidate.]
(She sets down her bag and we travel back to slow motion world. She once again whips her hair around in slow motion with the love doctor Barry White singing in the background. And Id also like to take this opportunity to mention that she can also be seen in Starship Troopers and that she was born in Downers Grove, Illinois which just happens to be a few miles from where I live. Anyway Cousin Ross is now staring.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Phoebe is reading the paper and Joey enters.]
Phoebe: I don't know, I mean, he's a good person, and he can be really sweet, and in some ways I think he is so right for me, it's just... I hate that guy!
Joey: Yeah, you're gonna go up to her and say, "Here's your egg back, I'm returning your egg."
Chandler: ...And what did you bring?
[Scene: The bathroom at the restaurant, Chandler and Joey are talking.]
[Scene: A Restaurant, Joey and Chandler are there, waiting for their dates to show up.]
Chandler: Yes! Way to go, man! (Chandler and Ross hug. Something crunches in Ross' shirt pocket.) Still got the egg, huh?
Chandler: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're right. (gets up right behind Joey and yells in his ear) Come on, do it, do it, go, come on!!!
Ross: Hey, if they have a ball maybe you can stick razor blades in it and teach them a new game, Gonna Need Stitches Ball.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are all there, discussing their bad luck with men.]
(Enter Rachel and Paolo. They are both somewhat flustered)
Lecturer: Were beginning to see a lot of layering of sheer fabrics and colours. For instance a sheer navy blouse over a pink....
Mr. Tribbiani: Remember when you were a little kid, I used to take you to the navy yard and show you the big ships?
[Scene: Hospital, the guy is in a coma and Mon and Pheebs are visiting.]
Chandler: Tell me it's "you and me" we.
(Chandler and Joey leave the table.)
Rachel: Wh Come on! Remember? We were on the sleeping porch! We couldnt stop giggling? And our coconuts kept knockin together?
Chandler: Well, I got a job interview. Its kinda a big deal too. Its a lot more money and Id be doing data reconfiguration and statistical factoring.
{Transcriber's Note: The credits list two characters, Tia and Samantha, who I assume are the sweaty women Joey and Chandler meet. However, I don't know which is which, so I've simply called them Woman #1 and Woman #2.}
Ross: Well, her thought is, and I agree, fresh new furniture, why not a fresh new apartment? Her cousin has this great place to sublet, it's got a view of the river on one side and Columbia on the other.
Chandler: No... no! And yet it did. Good-bye, Janice.
[Scene: Chandler's bedroom, Chandler wakes up, and finds someone else's hand on his chest. He rolls over and is shocked to see Janice there.]
(He leaves. Cut to Monica entering Chandler and Joey's apartment. She sneaks up to the shower door)
Joey: I was just outside Barcelona hiking in the foothills of Mount Tibidabo. I was at the end of this path and I came to a clearing and there was a lake, very secluded. And there were tall trees all around. (Whispering) It was dead silent. Gorgeous. (Softly) And across the lake I saw a beautiful woman bathing herself but she was crying
[The next flashback is from The One Where Eddie Moves In. It's the sequence where Joey and Chandler are both saddened that they're not living together anymore. All By Myself is playing in the background.]
Rachel: Its a truffle. Its got all of these layers. First theres a layer of ladyfingers, then a layer of jam, then custard, which I made from scratch, [Joey and Ross make impressed faces] then raspberries, more ladyfingers, then beef sauteed with peas and onions, [Joey and Ross look like somethings wrong.] then a little more custard, and then bananas, and then I just put some whipped cream on top!
Ross: The blond woman is my ex-wife, and the woman touching her is her... close, personal friend.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are holding their boyfriend bonfire.]
Ross: Oh, and she's pregnant with my baby. I always forget that part. (to Carol and Susan) Helloo!
Rachel and Phoebe: Eww!
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are there. Chandler is preparing to dump Janice again.]
Ross: Its like that everywhere, Joey! Okay, Mon, back me up here. Where you work the uh, waiters eat with the waiters, right? And the chefs eat with the other chefs, right?
Phoebe: 'Cause he was creepy, and mean, and a little frightening... alright, still, it's nice to have a date on Valentine's Day!
Ross: Now that is funny. Hey, do you think...would it be too weird if I invited Carol over to join us? 'Cause she's, she's alone now, and pregnant, and, and sad.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, firemen are there to handle the bonfire that got out of control.]
Ross: Are you sure? Great. Carol? Wanna come over and join us?
Carol: All you need is a woman who likes men and you'll be set.
Angela: Bob is great. He's smart, he's sophisticated, and he has a real job. You, you go on three auditions a month and you call yourself an actor, but Bob...
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving Joey, Ross, and Monica their drinks.]
Rachel: And a nice hot cider for Monica. (Hands it to her.)
(She takes the pencil out of Monica's coffee and Monica puts her cup down in disgust.)
Chandler: Yeah, can I get a 3-piece, some cole slaw, some beans, and a Coke-(Yelps in
Rachel: Oh! That's why. (Rachel checks behind her ear, and finds a cinamon stick.) I'm sorry!
Phoebe: Hey you guys! Chandler's coming and he says he has, like, this incredible news, so when he gets here, we could all act like, you know...
Phoebe: Hi! (turns back to Chandler, then to Monica) Oh, yeah, no, I know. You're a chef. I know, and I thought of you first, but um, Chandler's the one who needs a job right now, so....
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler walks in, wearing a suit.]
(Chandler, Monica and Phoebe looks at him)
Chandler: Was it formerly owned by a blonde woman and some bears?
Rachel: (pause) And Monica, what are you going to make?
Phoebe: Ooh! I know what you could make! (runs over to join Monica and Rachel in the kitchen) I know! Oh, you should definitely make that thing... you know, with the stuff? (Monica doesn't know.) You know, that thing... with the stuff...? OK, I don't know. (sits down)
Chandler: And he's not speaking metaphorically.
Joey: (aside to Ross) So.... back to your place...you thinking, maybe... (gestures with hands, back and forth) huh-huh?
Ross: Oh, I just thought we could go out to dinner, and then maybe bring her back to my place and I'd introduce her to my monkey.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, 3:02 A.M., Chandler is up. There's a knock on the door and Chandler answers it.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there but Ross and Chandler. Monica is making food, and having everyone try it.]
Janice: Hello, Joey, our little matchmaker. I could just kiss you all over, and I'm gonna!
Janice: You seek me out. Something deep in your soul calls out to me like a foghorn. Janice, Janice. You want me. You need me. You can't live without me. And you know it. You just don't know you know it. See ya.
Rachel: (comes up and rubs him on the chest) Oh Chandler, I know, I know... oh, hey! You can see your nipples through this shirt!
Rachel: I dunno.. I-I thought it looked better there. And I- and also, it's an extra seat around the coffee table.
Joey: I'm telling you, that monkey is a chick magnet! She's going to take one look at his furry, cute little face and it'll seal the deal.
(They get into a wrestling match, that ends with Ross making Rachel paint her forehead with the nail polish. They both end up lying next to each other, stop, and look at each other for a moment.)
Monica: But, you see, it's just... this night has to go just perfect, you know? And, well, Wendy's more of a... professional waitress.