words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the entire gang is there, eating breakfast. Phoebe is on the couch, fidgeting.]
(She throws them into the kitchen and Rachel picks them up with the handle of a large spoon. Chandler and Monica have horrified looks on their faces.)
(Rachel turns and stares at him.)
Rachel: (waving them in his face) Take 'em! (Joey makes a noise and jumps out of the way.) Joey, you can touch them! They're your underwear.
(Follows Joey into their apartment and shrugs on his way out.)
Joey: That's it! I'm tired of covering for you two! This has got to stop! (Realizes he still has the underwear in his hand.) Ahh! (Throws them towards Chandler's room.) And tighty-whiteys! What are you, 8?
Joey: Oh hey, no, you're not welcome. Okay, look, I hate this! You guys keep embarrassing me! (To Monica) Yesterday, Rachel found your razor in our bathroom and I didn't know what to say, so I said it was mine and-and that I was playing a woman in a play. And one thing led to another and (He puts his leg on the chair and pulls up his pants leg to reveal that he now has shaved legs.)
Monica: (inspecting his leg) Wow! And around the ankles, y'know that is a tough spot.
Monica: We'll try to be more careful okay? It's just that, we don't want everyone to know because this is going really well, and maybe the reason it's going really well is because it's a secret.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there as Phoebe enters with her nose stuck in a book.]
Phoebe: Umm, Wethering Heights. I'm taking a literature class at the New School and I have to finish it for the first session tomorrow.
Phoebe: Yeah! Well, I really liked that Lamaze class I took! Y'know and this time I thought I'd go for something, y'know a little more intellectual, with a less painful final exam.
Ross: Just a sandwich? Look, I am 30 years old, I'm about to be divorced twice and I just got evicted! That sandwich was the only good thing going on in my life! Someone ate the only good thing going on in my life!
Ross: (quietly) That-that would be incredible. Thank you so much. I-I still can't believe someone ate it!! I mean, look, I left a note and everything.
Phoebe: Okay, this will keep them away from your stuff. (Writes him a note and the gang reads it.)
[Scene: Phoebe's class, the class has already started and Rachel walks in late.]
Rachel: Well yeah, but then I remembered I started it and there was this pep rally and I was, I was on top of the pyramid but anywayumm, what is this book about?
Phoebe: Okay, umm, it's this tragic love story between Cathy and Heathcliff and umm, it takes place on like these really creepy mores in England. Which I think represents the wildness of Heathcliff's character. I totally get symbolism.
Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, symbolism! And uh, the-the uh, wildness of the mores, which I think is-is mirrored in the wildness of Heathcliff's character.
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is there as Phoebe and Rachel return from the class.]
(Joey casually pushes Ross over the back of the couch and sits down proud of himself.)
(He goes to open the door to his apartment, but finds it locked. As he's getting out his keys, Chandler and Monica quickly jump up from making out in the living room and run to Chandler's bedroom. The apartment has about 20 candles burning all over the place. Joey opens the door and ushers Cynthia in.)
Cynthia: Oh, candles! (Notices something.) What is that? A blanket? A video camera? Oh my God! (As she storms out, Rachel returns and overhears the conversation.)
Cynthia: I can't believe you thought that you were going to video tape us having sex on the first date! (She storms away and Rachel enters to confront Joey.)
Rachel: And with Chandler in the next room. What are you, what are you sick?
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's; continued from earlier. Joey is closing the door after Rachel leaves and is about to confront Chandler and Monica.]
Joey: Well, I'm telling everyone about you! That's the only way to explain the underwear and the video camera that doesn't make me look like a pig!
Joey: All right. Hey, but it better make me look really, really good. (Starts for his room.) Oh, and another thing, the video camera? Nice!!
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's class; Rachel walks in, on time this time.]
Phoebe: Umm, Rachel and I were just discussing it and she had some very interesting insights.
Ross: Uh-huh. Well, when the psychiatrist told me I had to take a leave of absence because I yelled at my boss I started to get worked up again, so he offered me a tranquilizer. And I thought was a good idea so, I took it.
Chandler: And you're okay with that?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are returning from class.]
Rachel: (entering, angrily) Ugh, that was so embarrassing! I can't believe you let me go on and on like that!
Phoebe: Well, yeah! Fun is good, but y'know I also wanted to learn. Y'know, people are always talking about what they learned in high school and I never went to high school.
Monica: (yelling and waving her hand in the air) I know! I know! I know!
(She sits back defeated, and Phoebe groans with disgust.)
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's; Joey returns carrying a bucket of chicken, and starts going through the mail. While doing this, Monica's picture falls out. He bends over to pick it up and gasps. While he's staring at the picture, Rachel decides to come over and sees him looking at the picture.]
Rachel: Yes! He has a naked picture of Monica! He takes naked pictures of us! And then he eats chicken and looks at them!
(Ross stares in shock at him as he angrily puts down the chicken and takes off his coat.)
(He walks over and stands behind Joey.)
Joey: What?!! (He turns around and stares at Chandler who's silently pleading with Joey to go along with it.) No I'm not!!
Rachel: And the video camera?
Monica: I guess I set up the video camera to try and entice Joey.
Monica: I'm Monica. I'm disgusting. I stalk guys and keep their underpants.
Joey: Well, I think we've all learned something about who's disgusting and who's not. Eh? All right, now, I'm going to get back to my bucket. I'm only eating the skin, so the chicken's up for grabs. (Offers it to everyone.)
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's class; the class has ended and Phoebe is talking to one of her classmates.]
Chandler: Ross is smart and funny, d'you ever think that about him?
Rachel: Ok, I, I hear what you're sayin'. I'm with you. Um, but I, but I'm trying really hard. And I think I'm doing better. I really do. Does anybody need coffee? (everyone in the place raises their hand) Oh, look at that.
Director: And cut. Hey, Butt Guy, what the hell are you doing?
Chandler: And this from the cry-for-help department. Are you wearing makeup?
Chandler: (faking sympathy) And so young.
Ross: (mimicking) Ooh, ooh. Because she's my ex-wife, and will probably want to bring her, ooh, ooh, lesbian life partner.
[Scene: Carol and Susan's apartment, Susan is there. Ross enters.]
Ross: Thanks. Yeah, Carol borrowed it for a class, and I have to get it back to the museum.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there but Rachel.]
Ross: Listen, I know you wanted to talk to me, but I have an idea that may make you want to stay married. (Rachel shakes her head.) We register, and you get to keep all the presents!
Phoebe: Oh, I believe it. I think the baby can totally hear everything. I can show you. Look, this will seem a little weird, but you put your head inside this turkey, and then we'll all talk, and you'll hear everything we say.
Supervisor: So basically this is very easy. You read from the script and try to sell as much toner as you possibly can.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey enters, upset.]
Monica: All right, fine. Tonight's potatoes will be both mashed with lumps, and in the form of tots.
Chandler: Yeah, sure. What do you need? We got lace, satin, sateen, raffia, gingham, felt, (Pause) and I think my testacles may be in here too.
(In slow motion, Phoebe snaps the ball, Rachel goes long. Joey and Chandler and all over Phoebe, leaving Rachel wide open. Ross starts to rush Monica, who sees Phoebe is double covered, in desperation she throws to Rachel. We see flying through the air, and then Rachel running underneath it, then the ball, then Rachel again, then the ball, then Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey staring at it in shock. Then with the grace of Jerry Rice (no offense to Jerry Rice), Rachel catches the ball, and she stops and spikes the ball. Both Phoebe and Monica erupt in celebration.)
(He tries pushing against the chest of drawers. Then he opens one of the drawers and climbs into the closet using that; he falls behind the chest of drawers with a shout.)
Phoebe: Ohh, yeah. I think his exact words were (She makes two clicking sounds with her tongue and purrs.)
[Scene: Carol and Susan's, Ross is preparing to talk to her belly.]
Monica: I don't need an actual man, just a couple of his best swimmers. And there, there are places you can go to get that stuff.
[Scene: Carol and Susan's, Carol is reading, Ross is talking to her stomach.]
Ross: (singing) Hey, hey, you're my baby, and I can't wait to meet you. When you come out I'll buy you a bagel, and then we'll go to the zoo.
[Scene: The Hallway, Joey has a tray full of keys, and is trying each one in the lock.]
Rachel: No, I didn't. I wouldn't say I had the keys unless I had the keys, and I obviously didn't have the keys.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is holding the cat, Monica is treating the scratches on Ross' back. Joey is holding the menorah over the wound.]
[Scene: The Hospital, Monica and Rachel are waiting for the doctors to arrive. They enter and are played by Noah Wyle and George Clooney.]
Monica: Well, sure, what with it being her funeral and all.
Ross: (pause) I am a doctor! Yknow what? Im just gonna go and talk to Rachel myself.
Chandler: Nothin! This is the nine millionth ring store weve been too and I cant find the perfect ring! (Goes over to another display counter and starts pointing at rings.) Ugly ring! Ugly ring! Ugly ring! (Notices that one of the jewelers is watching him.) Its a beautiful selection. (The jeweler walks away slowly.)
(In the apartment below, Mr.Heckles is trying to relax and read his newspaper, but Rachel is helplessly dangling upside-down with her ankle wrapped up in the Christmas lights.)
Chandler: Ok, who wants light cheese, and who wants dark cheese?
[Scene: Madison Square Garden. Mike and Phoebe are walking to their seats.]
Joey: Okay, all right, this is how its going to work. Were gonna give you hypothetical maid of honor situations and you will be scored on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the highest.
He's finally happy with that and walks away.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.]
Ross: And hey, here's to a lousy Christmas.
Joey: Uhh, well Ive got an audition down the street and I spilled sauce all over the front of my shirt. (Removes his hand to reveal a huge sauce stain.) You got an extra one?
Rachel: Hey, do you guys know what you're doing for New Year's? (They all protest and hit her with cushions) Gee, what?! What is wrong with New Year's?
Ross: Hey, hello! mmwa! (kisses Carol) I brought all the books, and Monica sends her love, along with this lasagna.
Excuse me, excuse me! Yeah, noisy boys! (They stop talking and look up) Is it something that you would like to share with the entire group?
Monica: No! No, she doesnt. Uh Phoebe, what she makesthats uhtheyre sock rabbits. They are completely differentOkay! Okay! Okay! I didnt make it! Im sorry! I totally forgot about tonight and the fact that were supposed to make the presents!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Joey is decorating for Christmas.]
(Phoebe takes a slice of pumpkin pie and waves it in front of Chandler's face.)
Ross: Oh, that'd be great! Okay, but if you do, make sure it seems like you're there to see him, okay, and you're not like doing it as a favour to me.
Rachel: (laughs and pushes the chair back in) Yeah, well, y'know umm No honey, listen I think it's a great idea to become friends with someone before you date them, but I think the way you do it is y'know you meet someone, become their friend, build a foundation, then you ask them out on a date. Don't hit on your existing friends!
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, oh, I'm sure of it. You should just do it, just sweep and throw me.
Joey: Look, I told ya, Im not going to any clinic! I dont have a problem, youre the one with the problem! You should go to a "Quit being a baby and leave me alone" clinic!
David: Okay, what the hell, what the hell. (Sweeps the remaining papers off the desk and grabs Phoebe) You want me to actually throw you or you-you wanna just hop?
Monica: I'm sorry, okay. It's just that Chandler has somebody, and Phoebe has somebody- I thought I'd ask Fun Bobby.
Rachel: (Glances at Joey and then sips his coffee) There. Now there is.
Joey: Yeah, and I met this really hot single mom at the store. What's an elf to do?
Chandler: It's great. Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some puppies.
David: Daryl Hannah was the most beautiful woman that he'd ever seen in his life and I said yeah, I liked her in Splash, a lot, but not so much in- in Wall Street, I thought she had kind of a
Monica: It is so great to meet a guy who is smart and funny, and has an emotional age beyond, like eight.
Ross: Well, we believe it originated here. (He uses a pointer and points to the point of origin.) In the Aroma Room.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the party has started.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the group is coming back from the roof.]
(Joey and Monica look at each other and shrug. Ross enters with Marcel on his shoulder)
Rachel: Wait, wait, Chandler, this is what you're havin' for Thanksgiving dinner? What, what, what is it with you and this holiday?
Joey: Sandy! Hi! C'mon in! (She enters, followed by a young boy and a younger girl)...You brought your kids.
Ross: Okay. He was more embarrassed about that than anyone. Okay? And for him to have the courage to walk back in here like nothing happened...
Phoebe: And then... your face is bloated?
Joey: Hey, I got one keyhole and about a zillion keys. You do the math.
Rachel: And a crappy New Year.
Chandler: We just finished this magnificent Thanksgiving dinner. I have--and I remember this part vividly--a mouthful of pumpkin pie, and this is the moment my parents choose to tell me they're getting divorced.
Chandler: Hi, I'm Chandler, and I have no idea who Dorothy is.
(The group does the same horrible dance that Joey did earlier in the show, except they're all out of sync and they do the jazz hands at the end.)
[Scene: Max and David's lab, they are working. Phoebe knocks on the door]
David: Yes I can. Because if I go it means I have to break up with you, and I can't break up with you.
David: Right. But, see, the longer I waited, the more phenomenal the kiss had to be, and now we've reached a place where it's just gotta be one of those things where I just like... sweep everything off the table and throw you down on it. And, uh, I'm not really a, uh, sweeping sorta fella.
Phoebe: Ooh, sorry. Um, and, and then you put your arms around me. And then you put your arms around me. (He does so) And, um, and then you tell me that you love me and you'll never forget me.
Chandler: And the moment of joy is upon us.
Phoebe: And then you say that it's almost midnight and you have to go because you don't wanna start the new year with me if you can't finish it. (They kiss) I'm gonna miss you. You scientist guy.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, time lapse.]
Chandler: Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento. You, however have had the love of a woman for four years. Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it! I don't think that was my point!
Monica and Phoebe: (in unison) Thanks.
[Scene: A Street: Monica and Phoebe are walking to a newsstand.]
Phoebe: I just wish there was something we could do. (Bends down and talks to him) Hello. Hello, Coma Guy. GET UP, YOU GIRL SCOUT! UP! UP! UP!
[Time lapse. Monica and Rachel, fixed up somewhat, emerge from a bedroom]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe are telling everyone about their coma guy.]
Phoebe: Um, yeah. Look, I mean, Im not saying shes like evil or anything. She just, you know, shes always breaking my stuff. When I was eight, and I wouldnt let her have my Judy Jetson thermos, so she threw it under the bus. And then, oh, and then there was Randy Brown, who was like... Have you ever had a boyfriend who was like your best friend?
Monica: Oh my God. (Grabs Phoebe and turns her away) Phoebe. Don't look now, but behind us is a guy who has the potential to break our hearts and plunge us into a pit of depression.
Chandler: ...And then he burst into flames.
[Scene: The Hospital, it's a montage of Monica and Phoebe's visit to the hospital with My Guy playing in the background. It starts with Monica reading a newspaper to him.]
Joey: Oh! My head! Oh! (Hes sitting on the chair, lies back, and puts his feet up for Monica to rub.) Oh!
Monica: Why did I 'woo-hoo'? I mean, what was I hoping would happen? That-that he'd turn round and say 'I love that sound, I must have you now'?
[Scene: A Mexican Restaurant, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler and his mom are there.]
Ms. McKenna: The numbers we are seeing New York, Chicago, and London are consistently solid, but many of our officers have reported disappointing fields.
(Rachel feeds something to Paolo. He eats it and licks her hand)
Chandler: Myyy mother, ladies and gentlemen.
Ross: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. (A woman emerges from the toilet behind him and he tries to pretend he was in the other one)
Ross: Thank you. (She walks off) C'mon, Marcel, whaddya say you and I do a little mingling? (Marcel runs off) Alright, I'll, uh... catch up with you later.
(He thinks for a moment and sweeps the stuff off the table)
(Chandler opens the door and startles them. He picks up the paper)
(Ross drags Joey into the hall and slams the door)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the next morning. Joey is getting the door in his dressing gownit's Ross.]
Ross: Uh.. uh.. Well, Joey and I had discussed getting in an early morning racquetball game. But, um, apparently, somebody overslept.
Joey: Yeah, well you didn't call and leave your grip size.
(Joey and Ross go into Monica and Rachel's apartment)
Ross: Then, uh, then we got dressed, and I-I... I walked her to the- (looks up, realises, and points) -the bus stop... I'm fine.