words in movies
Directed by: Ben Weiss Written by: Mark Kunerth Transcript by: David Buehrle
The Teacher: Are you one of Bens mothers?
Rachel: Ohh, okay. (Ross has a sign on his back that reads Poop.) WhAh-ha! (Ross stops and turns.) Wait a minute. Uh Ben, I cant do it.
Joey: Well, I've been thinking about this whole commercial thing, y'know me going up against Ben, the two of us competing, and that can't lead to anything good. So, I think I'm just gonna step aside. I'm gonna tell them that I won't audition.
Ross: Oh, Im just over here with Ben. I thought wed say hi.
Ross: Umm, did you notice anything wierd about Ben today?
Ross: (sets Ben down) Well, it's not for sure but umm, we met this guy in the park who thought Ben was really cute--y'know, which he is--so umm anyhoo, he uh, he gave us his card and told us to bring him down for this commercial he's auditioning.
Phoebe: Now Ben, sometimes people may seem like jerks on the outside, but they have famous fathers.
Ross: (answering the phone) Hello? (Listens) Hey Mon, hows the packing going? (Listens) Ben? Hes fine. Yeah, hes rightOh my God! (He looks over at the fake Ben and notices that the head has fallen off.) Get your head of your shirt there son! (He tries to push the pumpkin through the neck hole.) What? (Listens) Yeah, its a pumpkin. Ill come pack.
The Casting Director: Actually, that can't happen. Yeah because you all have such different looks, we're putting you with Raymond and Kyle with Ben. So it'll be either you two (Points to Joey and Raymond) or you two. (Points to Kyle and Ben.) (Exits.)
Ross: (looking astonished) What? NO! I am not going to give them Ben!
RACHEL: I don't know, you tell me. One minute I'm holding Ben like a football, the next thing I know, I've got two kids, I'm living in Scarsdale complaining about the taxes.
Ross: Give daddy the Barbi! Ben, give, give me the Barbi. Okay, how 'bout, don't you want to play with the monster truck? (makes a monster truck sound) No. Okay, oh, oh, how about a Dino-soilder? (squawks like a dinosaur)
Ross: Look Ben, it's a toy that protects U.S. oil interests overseas!
Trudie Styler: I gather Jack and Ben havent been getting along lately.
Joey: (goes over to Ben) Hi Ben! So you wanna be an actor huh? I gotta tell ya, it's no picnic. There's tons of rejection. No stability. One day you're Dr. Drake Remoray, the next day you're eating ketchup right out of the bottle.
[Scene: Rosss apartment, Carol has come to pick up Ben.]
Rachel: All this stuff takes up a lot of room. Hey how uh, how serious are you about keeping Ben in your life?
Ben: (prompting her) What did we agree?
Ross: There's my boy! Here's my boy! And here's his Barbi (Ben is holding a Barbi doll) What's ah, what's my boy doing with a Barbi?
Phoebe: And maybe I could teach Ben about the Christmas skull and how people die.
Ross: Ben, you ready? All right, gimme your foot. Ok, on three, Ben. One, two, three. Ok, That's it, Ben.
Trudie Styler: Im told there are two sides to this story, but all Ive heard is that Bens a bit of a poo-poo head.
Ross: Apparently, Stings son made fun of the fact that Bens moms are lesbinims.
Ross: (pause) I think on some level, you-you sabotaged your own audition so that Ben would get the part.
Rachel: Are you, are you, are you sure its ah, a new bump? I mean, no offense, Ive always thought of Ben as a fairly bumpy headed child.
Phoebe: (reading the nametag on the uniform) Hi, I'm Ben. I'm hospital worker Ben. It's Ben... to the rescue!
Ross: (thinking) How 'bout Ben?
Ross: (to Monica): Could you take it to Carol's every now and then, and show it to Ben, just so he doesn't forget me?
(Monica holds Ben.)
[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there, Ross is showing pictures of his new baby boy, Ben, to the group.]
Susan: I like Ben.
Ross: (to Ben) I know, I know. Everybody, there's someone I'd like you to meet. Yeah. This is Ben. Ben, this is everybody.
Carol: Ben. Ben. Ben's good. How come you never mentioned Ben before?
Joey: Ben, Ben, hey Ben. Nothing. I don't think that's his name.
Ross: And here's little Ben nodding off...
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are showing off Ben to the gang.]
Carol: I guess so. (Carol starts to breast feed Ben.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol is dropping Ben off for Ross to watch.]
Phoebe: Oh, look at these! Hey, Ben. Just do it. (Ben starts to cry) Oh my God, oh, ok, was that too much pressure for him?
Phoebe: Ben, dinner!
[Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross is holding Ben.]
Rachel: They took Ben to the park. Where've you been?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ben is playing in his crib while Chandler and Ross are leaning against the rim and are completely asleep.]
JOEY: Well, well that one has ducks on his t-shirt, and this one has clowns. And Ben was definitely wearing ducks.
ROSS: What about Ben? We can't bring a baby to a hospital.
(Chandler and Joey are loaded down with baby stuff, and Ben)
Joey: No, it's just ah, I care so damn much about little Ben that uh, it was more important to see him succeed.
Phoebe: Hi, Ben. I'm your father. I am... the head. Aaaaaahhhh.... (puts picture down, sees Ross staring at her) Alright, this barbecue is gonna be very fun.
Ben: Seriously, your dad doesnt like pranks.
ROSS: There we go. All better. (gives Ben back to Monica)
MONICA: There's my little boy. (Ben starts crying again)
CHANDLER: Can I uh see something? (Takes Ben. When he puts him close to Monica, Ben cries. When he moves Ben away, he stops crying.)
(Ben starts crying)
BOTH (but to different babies): Oh, Ben! Hey, buddy!
MONICA: Aw, my little nephew. Come here, little one. There's my little baby Ben. Hey, my little boy. Hey, he's not crying.
ROSS: Will you hold Ben for a sec? Come here. Come here.
ROSS: I hope Ben has a little sister.
CHANDLER: Hey, Ben, remember us? Ok, the mole came off.
MONICA: So your first whole weekend without Ben, what're you guys gonna do?
[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is working. Ross enters with Ben.]
ROSS: Have a good time. Ok, Ben.
CHANDLER AND JOEY: (running after bus) Ben! Ben! Ben!
ROSS: Let me hold him for a sec. There. (Ben stops crying) Huh? There we are.
ROSS: [childishly] OK. OK, this is a picture frame from Ben to my parents, huh.
RACHEL: Oh, yeah sure, Ok. [she takes Ben and holds him at arms length]
[Monica pushes Ben down the aisle in a stroller. Susan is escorted by both her parents. Carol is escorted by Ross.]
CHANDLER: Isn't Ben in this?
RACHEL: Uh, I'm holding Ben.
ROSS: Yeah. Ya know, a boy and a girl. Hopefully the girl will come first so Ben here won't feel too competitive.
ROSS: Hi, we're visitiing. It's Ben and his da-da. Da-da. Can you say da-da? Look, I'm gonna tell your momies you said it anyway so you might as well try.
RACHEL: Ok, we can do this now, can't we Ben? Yes we can, yes we can. [finishes the diaper] There. I did it. I did it. Look at that, oh, stays on and everything. Hi.
[at Ross's. Carol and Susan are picking Ben up]
BEN: Bye.
ROSS: Bye Ben.
BEN: Bye.
BEN: Bye.
BEN: Bye.
RACHEL: Guess what. Ben just said his first word.
BEN: Hi.
RACHEL: Ben just said hi.
Chandler: You bet I did, Ben, put it there! (He shakes Ben's hand, but the money falls out of his hands) (to Monica) Well, it would have worked this time, if his hands weren't so damn small! (Realizes, that Ben is standing right there) Ho, ho, ho!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Richard and Monica are playing with Ben.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is still trying to get Ben to play with something other than the Barbi doll.]
RACHEL: I'm sorry, what did you just say? Did you just say hi? Oh my God, Ross, Ross, Ben just said 'Hi'.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are dropping off Ben]
PHOEBE: [pauses the tape] Ok, Ben, this is the part where Ernie buries Bert in the sand and can't find him. Now, I've looked ahead on the tape and he does find him again. But, ok, before that happens, there's some pretty rough goin' for a while but I think we can handle it. And, there's just the alphabet but we know that ends well so. Ok, here we go. [starts the tape again]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are picking up Ben, while Monica is pouring chocolate syrup, lots of it, into her ice cream.]
Ben: Monica.
Monica: So, do you want me to watch Ben for you?
Monica: (to Ben) Whos so brave, youre so brave, yes you are, youre so brave.
Ben: Monica bang!
Ben: Monica bang!
Ben: Monica.
Ben: Monica bang!
Ross: Oh my God, he just said your name, thats great! Good job Ben.
Monica: Hey, hey, look. Look Ross, Ben drew a picture of you! (Shows him Ben's picture.) Huh? You're-you're a cowboy!
Rachel: Okay. Okay honey, hes fine, hes fine, lets just put him down. Come here, Ben. (sets him on the couch) See thats a good boy. (to Monica) How could you do that to him!! Ross trusted me, what is he going to say?!
Monica: Here. Ben, do you wanna play the airplane game, do you wanna show Rachel? Come here. (takes Ben) Were gonna do something fun. Okay. (throws Ben up in the air a little bit and catches him) Weee!! (moves into the living room and does it again) Weee!! (starts to walk back into the kitchen as she does it again, and hits Bens head on that wooden beam across the ceiling.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross has just finished putting Ben to sleep, and is entering from Rachels room.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are babysitting Ben.]