words in movies
Rachel: Yeah, but that just means that he was falling asleep on top of her instead of me.
Chandler: What if I had had the guts to quit my job? Id probably be writing for the New Yorker, getting paid to be funny. But my jobs fun too! I mean tomorrow, I-I dont have to wear a tie.
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Ross: No, its okay. Some-some kid asked me to pick it up for him, but I dont
Rachel: But! Dont you have to give him his money back?
Chandler: Hey, I may have no money, but I still have my pride.
Joey: All right, heres a list of things for you to do today. Man, this going to be so great! Thank you so much! All right, I got to go to work Im delivering twins today, but only one of them is mine! (Exits.)
Chandler: But the Kit-Kats are all right?!
Chandler: I always thought having a heart attack was natures way of telling you to die! (Phoebe glares at him.) But youre not gonna die. I mean, you are going to die, but youre not gonna die today. I wish I was dead.
Rachel: (laughs) Wow! Umm, yknow, I-I would really love to, but I-I shouldnt.
Joey: Uh, yeah but uh, (In Drakes voice) I may have said those things before but, I never truly meant them. Until now.
(Chandler tries to take it, but Monica wont let go. He tugs harder, and she still doesnt budge.)
Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey Chandler look, I know youre mad, but I just want to say Im sorry. I-I was a total jerk. Completely o-over the line. Uh, I just I hate pulp! Yknow? I mean, yknow how Monica feels about low fat mayonnaise?
Chandler: Well uh, Archie needs money to fix his jalopy (Joey laughs), uh but he doesnt want Reggie to just give him the money. So Reggie hires him as his assistas his butler. And then makes him do all these crazy things like bring him milkshakes that cant have lumps in them.
Monica: Well, yknow its none of my business, but arent you married?
Monica: Its not like, I havent any opportunities. I mean, yknow, Im just waiting for the perfect guy. Im seeing this guy Roger, all right? Hes not perfect, but umm, I think maybe I should just get it over with. Yknow, give him my flower.
Carol: Yeah. Ooh, and I know Gail Rosten is in there twice, but she is so
Monica: But, I put some honey in it.
Chandler: (To Ross) But I think we should tell her.
Phoebe: I know! But if I didnt work there, what else would I do?
Joey: Pretty cool, huh? But if youre thinking you can put a fish in there and it wouldnt get sucked up into the mechanism, well youd be wrong.
Dr. Roger: Yknow, its funny, but when we were studying communicable diseases
Monica: Yeah but see I have nothing to compare it too. So even if youre horrible, how would I know?
Joey: Yes! Yes!! And every time you look at it, I want you to remember that you are a good person. Okay, youve had the chance to cheat, and with me, but you didnt. And thats what this ring stands for.
Rachel: But I thought that ring stood for Caprices undying love for her brother.
Joey: (not quite sure of how to answer that) Well uh, look Ross I uh, I think Carols great and Im sure youre a very attractive man, but I .
Joey: Huh. But still Ross, youre worst day with two women, pretty much better than any other day! Yknow what I mean?
Joey: But you got to be with both of them, right?
Monica: Great! Its so amazing! I mean, last time Dr. Roger came over, I was so nervous, but then after being with you Im all like, "Can the doctor see me now?"
Monica: Yknow, I dont have an appointment, but I sure could use a physical. (He laughs halfheartedly) Are you sure youre okay?
Rachel: Me? Im great! Im fine! Im sooo good!! But, you know whos not great?! Men! Youre a man right Ross?!
Chandler: Yeah! When you were talking about Roger, that was killing me! Look, things like last night they dont just happen. Yknow? Or at least not to me. Or with the other two women, in the morning yknow I was just lying there and I couldnt wait to just go hang out with my friends, but with you I always yknow with a friend.
It only takes two heart attacks to finally make you see One of them wont do it, but the second one will set you free Tell all your hate and anger, its time to say good-bye And that is just what I will do, soon as those bastards I work for die! La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
Jessica Lockhart: (crying) Oh, my baby! (Hugs Dina, but moves Dinas head to her other shoulder so that shes the only one in the picture.)
Rachel: Uh-huh! Nice try, but you dont get that chair anymore! All right? That is my chair now! You can sit on my lap! (Joey starts to get up.) No I take that back!
Mr. Geller: Well, I dont know whats in the boxes down here, but I do know there are six or seven Easy Bake Ovens in the attic.
Cecilia: All right Joey, I will help you. Not because I-I owe it to this stupid show, but because I owe it to Jessica.
Cecilia: Yeah but Jessica doesnt have an English accent.
Cecilia: But Well now, nows a different time for me. (Starts to cry.)
Rachel: (fake disappointment) All right. All right Phoebe I will let you have him, but you owe me; you owe me big!
Rachel: (turning and looking at Tom again) No-no they do but, you just have to wait.
Cecilia: Id love to, but my lawyer said I cant do that anymore.
Rachel: Oh wow! (She takes a bite, but holds the sandwich vertically so that the stuff falls out.)
Cecilia: Well of course not, but you were very good.
(Ross hesitates then leans down trying to get her to kiss his cheek, but she moves his head around and kisses him on the lips again.)
(Ben starts to go, but Ross stops him.)
Rachel: Ben, its Rachel! (He closes the door.) But whatever.
Chandler: Guys thank you very much but neither of you is marrying us.
Emily: (on answering machine) Hello Ross? It's Emily. (Rachel runs back into the room with the tequila.) I know this is out of the blue but uh, I'm getting married tomorrow. Well, maybe I am. I keep thinking about you and I'm wondering if-if we made a mistake giving up so fast. Are you thinking about me? Of course you're not, but if you are, call me tonight. Okay, bye.
Ben: But youre not anymore!
Chandler: No, but Horny for Monica Minister called, wanting to know if we were still together.
Rachel: Yeah, I-I-I-Im funny Ben, but Im not stupid. Okay?
Monica: (hands the tape back to Joey, but doesnt let him grab it) Yknow maybe a little bit!
Chandler: Yknow its funny I started it but, now its scary me. So could you come out here please?
Monica: Oh. I guess you can. Okay but; I-I have to return it, so you cant like it.
Monica: Yeah but Im not keeping it.
Monica: Okay! But you cant rip it. Well, maybe a little.
Chandler: Oh thats great! Great! Thanks! But that dress I mean its like yuck! Its terrible! It makes me wanna just rip it right off of you!
Ross: Yeah, laugh all you want but in ten minutes were gonna have younger looking skin!
Lewis: But like how?
Ross: Well Im sorry but, that-thats really not my problem.
Monica: Op, can I just tell you something? Very flattered but umm, Im engaged. (Points to her ring.)
Phoebe: I did, but that was really fun.
Joey: Yeah. No-no I-I know I might not win, but its just Ive never even been nominated before! I want it so much.
(Elizabeth leaves and Ross starts to remove his clothing right there in the middle of the living room where someone can see him. Of course, someone almost does, but he hears a door opening and )
Monica: Thats sounds great, but how are you going to afford it?
Monica: Okay, but all right youre a guy, does it not freak you that youre never gonna sleep with anybody else?
Chandler: Well yeah! But now that I know that youre having these thoughts, Im back to panic, anxiety, and uh Im definitely gonna need some kind of sports drink.
Joey: Well, no not yet. But the audition went really good.
Monica: Okay. (They both jump up to head for there room, but Monica stops.) But wait, we cant. My Cousin Cassie is in the guest room, were supposed to have lunch.
Monica: But you told them you werent?
Monica: But you are?
Phoebe: Okay but look! Look at what I got! Its her address book! (Holds it up.) We have a guest list!
Phoebe: But ifno look, okay. These jerks might not care about you, but the universe does! And that says a lot!
Ross: Yeah! Oh yeah, youll be fine! It-itll be uh, just like bungy jumping. Yknow? But instead of bouncing back up you-you wont.
Monica: Okay? (To a different group) Over here we have pink suede, which is nice. But umm, if it gets wet then you know its gonna shrink.
Joey: Okay. Yeah. (She leaves and he goes to pick up a box marked books, but decides to take the box marked pillows instead.) Yeah, Ill grab this one. (He follows her upstairs.)
Monica: I'm sorry honey, but we're gonna take you shopping. It's gonna be fine.
Phoebe: Yeah. Well, we called everyone in your phone book and bunch of people came, but it took us so long to get you here that they-they had to leave.
Joey: But why?! I shouldve won one and I really want it and she didnt even care enough to come to the thing! It could also be a Grammy.
Cassie: Thanks for letting me stay here! I mean Monicas place was nice, but her fiancee sure stares a lot.
Gunther: Oh umm, uh we dont sell cigarettes, but they have them at the newsstand across the street. (Points.)
Chandler: Look, I may have jumped the gun here. (she tries to kiss him, but he ducks it and moves away) Um, I just got out of a relationship and Im not really in a, in a commitment kind of place.
Monica: Oh thats too bad. Its true, but too bad.
Phoebe: Yeah! Yknow, we were really huge too, but then they had to shut us down when Regina Philange died of alcohol poisoning.
Ross: No, youve heard my practice. Okay? Just-just give me a chance to perform for you and then decide whatever you want. And Im not going to tell you what song Im gonna play either. But uh, lets just say when its over Ill bet there will be a we bit o celebration.
Joey: Listen, I know the invitation says 6:00, but does that mean that you want people to get there at six, or the show is gonna start right at six?
Monica: (entering from her bedroom carrying a present) Ok, these were unbelievably expensive, and I know he's gonna grow out of them in like, 20 minutes, but I couldn't resist. (There a little pair of Nike shoes.)
Joey: Right. Right. The wedding, gotcha. But I mean, its gonna start a little late right? I mean, weddings start late. Right?
Rachel: Yeahbut come onListen, Im sorry I dont want to make you uncomfortable, but I told Phoebe that it happened and she doesnt believe me.
Chandler: I would but mine doesnt fit. The pants are a little tight.
Rachel: Yes, it bothers me Ross, but y'know if he was a regular at the coffee house, Id be serving him sneezers.
Monica: No! But I know exactly what Im going to say.
Ross: Okay, but just the jacket. Double-oh and seven are not gettin in there.
Phoebe: No! Think about it okay? This isnt even my regular job! Okay? And my first day on the job, youre my first call! And-and somebody else mightve hung up on you, but I wouldnt do that because I know about this stuff. My mom killed herself.
(They move into kiss but are interrupted by Joey knocking on the door.)
Monica: Yes, but you cannot tell anyone! No one knows!
Ross: No. Rachel hooked me up with a tux! But not just any tux, Batmans tux!
Joey: But it is a big deal!! I have to tell someone!
Rachel: Yes, I know! And Joey knows! But Ross doesn't know so you have to stop screaming!!
Monica: Oh man, they think they are so slick messing with us! But see they don't know that we know that they know! So
Joey: And Rachel. I would've told you but they made me promise not to tell!
PHOEBE: Well I have a video, you have to pay attention. No this, this voice woman, she's so talented but, according to the producer people, they said she doesn't have like the right look or something, ya know. I mean, it's like, she's like one of those an imals at the pound who like nobody wants 'cause they're not pretty enough or you know. Like, like some old dog who's just kind of like stinky and. Huuuuh, oh my God, she's smelly cat. Oh, oh that song has so many levels.
Monica: Nice work everybody! So much for the yknow, "You can drive it, but dont tell Rachel" plan!
Ross: (grabbing the car) Okay! Okay! Okay! (He gets in, but into the back seat.)
Chandler: I dont know if Ive told you this, but hes kinda tried to get in contact with me a lot over the last few years
(The teacher smiles, but her eyebrows go up. Susan and Carol pat each other affectionately.)
MICH: No, no, I am, but only because for the last hour and a half I've been playing the movie Diner in my head.
(He gets up to walk out, but Helena spots and stops him.)
Joey: Im sure its a famous watering can, okay. But, come on and what is with the really hot stick in the bathroom?
Rachel: Well yeah, but then I remembered I started it and there was this pep rally and I was, I was on top of the pyramid but anywayumm, what is this book about?
Joey: Oh, let me get this. (He takes out his wallet, but the panties come with it. The woman and waitress are shocked.) (Realizing) (To the woman) These are for you.
Joey: No, I-I just heard lunch. But yeah, I can go. Sure! (They all exit.)
Chandler: But youre still my friend?
Monica: I'm sorry. But not that sorry, 'cause you don't have to live with it. Um, we have a reservation under the name Chandler Bing.
Cecilia: I probably shouldve just left years ago when the offers were pouring in, but yknow I just got so comfy here! And Ohh, I turned down some amazing work!
Monica: (laughs) I dont have anything like that, but let me go see if Rachel does.
Monica: Im sorry but nothing.
Chandler: Yeah. Yknow I keep thinking that something stupid is gonna come up and Ill go all Chandler. But nothing has.
Rachel: Noo! Oh no! No! God no! He should not get back together with her. I know that! You know that! Even Ross knows that! But that still doesnt give us the right to erase his message!
Rachel: Yeah! But I dont know what he looks like!
The Woman Dealer: I don't know about the hands, but the guy that was here before me just went to the bathroom.
Monica: It's weird, but you know what I don't wanna throw this away. I mean this is like all I have left of him, gross, drain hair. Ooh! (drops it in Ross's cereal)
ROSS: Wow, well uh, uh, actually, Julie's downstairs getting a cab, I just need the cat toy, did Monica say. . . What? Why, why are you looking at me like that? RACH: I don't know, I, I feel like I had a dream about you last night but I, I don't remember. ROSS: OK. Oh, oh, oh. [runs over and picks up the cat toy] RACH: Did we speak on the phone last night? Did you call me? ROSS: No, I stayed at Julie's last night. RACH: Huh. ROSS: Oh, actually I haven't even been home yet. Do you mind if I check my messages? RACH: Oh yeah, go ahead. [Rachel walks in her room. Ross picks up the phone and dials his machine to check his messages.] ROSS: Rach, I got a message from you. [pauses] Who's Michael? [Rachel comes out of her room, suddenly she remembers leaving the message.]
Rachel: Yeah but, maybe its not what we think. Maybe its tell Monica Im sorry I drank the last of the milk.
Phoebe: Yeah, but youve got to pull yourself together! Monica cant see you like this! Then shell know somethings wrong!
Rachel: Okay uh, but before you do that. I-I, I need you to talk to me.
Chandler: Well, I'll stay, but only because I wanna hear about Hanukkah. Ben, will you sit here with Santa and learn about Hanukkah?
Cecilia: I am. I am, but I dont know you know. An actor of a certain age is not that easy.
The Director: But youre supposed to work on Monday.
The Director: But youre not bald.
Joey: Yeah, I-I just made up the stuff about the wedding because I didnt want you to worry about me. But, Im having surgery today.
Joey: You know what it is? It's a nice place but I gotta see I don't know if I see myself living here. Oh, oh, oh, let me see... (Joey sits down on the couch, mimes opening a can and puts his hand down his pants) Yeah, I could see it.