words in movies
Rachel: Yeah, but that just means that he was falling asleep on top of her instead of me.
Chandler: What if I had had the guts to quit my job? Id probably be writing for the New Yorker, getting paid to be funny. But my jobs fun too! I mean tomorrow, I-I dont have to wear a tie.
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Ross: No, its okay. Some-some kid asked me to pick it up for him, but I dont
Rachel: But! Dont you have to give him his money back?
Chandler: Hey, I may have no money, but I still have my pride.
Joey: All right, heres a list of things for you to do today. Man, this going to be so great! Thank you so much! All right, I got to go to work Im delivering twins today, but only one of them is mine! (Exits.)
Chandler: But the Kit-Kats are all right?!
Chandler: I always thought having a heart attack was natures way of telling you to die! (Phoebe glares at him.) But youre not gonna die. I mean, you are going to die, but youre not gonna die today. I wish I was dead.
Rachel: (laughs) Wow! Umm, yknow, I-I would really love to, but I-I shouldnt.
Joey: Uh, yeah but uh, (In Drakes voice) I may have said those things before but, I never truly meant them. Until now.
(Chandler tries to take it, but Monica wont let go. He tugs harder, and she still doesnt budge.)
Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey Chandler look, I know youre mad, but I just want to say Im sorry. I-I was a total jerk. Completely o-over the line. Uh, I just I hate pulp! Yknow? I mean, yknow how Monica feels about low fat mayonnaise?
Chandler: Well uh, Archie needs money to fix his jalopy (Joey laughs), uh but he doesnt want Reggie to just give him the money. So Reggie hires him as his assistas his butler. And then makes him do all these crazy things like bring him milkshakes that cant have lumps in them.
Monica: Well, yknow its none of my business, but arent you married?
Monica: Its not like, I havent any opportunities. I mean, yknow, Im just waiting for the perfect guy. Im seeing this guy Roger, all right? Hes not perfect, but umm, I think maybe I should just get it over with. Yknow, give him my flower.
Carol: Yeah. Ooh, and I know Gail Rosten is in there twice, but she is so
Monica: But, I put some honey in it.
Chandler: (To Ross) But I think we should tell her.
Phoebe: I know! But if I didnt work there, what else would I do?
Joey: Pretty cool, huh? But if youre thinking you can put a fish in there and it wouldnt get sucked up into the mechanism, well youd be wrong.
Dr. Roger: Yknow, its funny, but when we were studying communicable diseases
Monica: Yeah but see I have nothing to compare it too. So even if youre horrible, how would I know?
Joey: Yes! Yes!! And every time you look at it, I want you to remember that you are a good person. Okay, youve had the chance to cheat, and with me, but you didnt. And thats what this ring stands for.
Rachel: But I thought that ring stood for Caprices undying love for her brother.
Joey: (not quite sure of how to answer that) Well uh, look Ross I uh, I think Carols great and Im sure youre a very attractive man, but I .
Joey: Huh. But still Ross, youre worst day with two women, pretty much better than any other day! Yknow what I mean?
Joey: But you got to be with both of them, right?
Monica: Great! Its so amazing! I mean, last time Dr. Roger came over, I was so nervous, but then after being with you Im all like, "Can the doctor see me now?"
Monica: Yknow, I dont have an appointment, but I sure could use a physical. (He laughs halfheartedly) Are you sure youre okay?
Rachel: Me? Im great! Im fine! Im sooo good!! But, you know whos not great?! Men! Youre a man right Ross?!
Chandler: Yeah! When you were talking about Roger, that was killing me! Look, things like last night they dont just happen. Yknow? Or at least not to me. Or with the other two women, in the morning yknow I was just lying there and I couldnt wait to just go hang out with my friends, but with you I always yknow with a friend.
It only takes two heart attacks to finally make you see One of them wont do it, but the second one will set you free Tell all your hate and anger, its time to say good-bye And that is just what I will do, soon as those bastards I work for die! La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
Phoebe: Monica, if you get five cool points, you get to make somebody take off one item of clothing. It hasnt happened yet, but were all very excited.
Chandler: Okay, this is good, this is good. All right listen, I have one. Janice likes to cuddle, at night, which, you know I'm all for. But, uh, you know when you want to go to sleep, you want some space. So, uh, how do I tell her that without, you know, accidentally calling her fat or something.
Ross: Nooo, but it, but its great.
Joey: But, hey, look, you know the good thing is, is that we spent the whole day together and I survived, and what's even more amazing, so did she. It was bat day at Shea Stadium.
Ross: No, actually I was just saying it looks like we're not sitting together. But now you mention it, there was ice there that night... It was the first frost...
Rachel: Noo! Maybe! I, I dont know. Ross, I still cant forgive you for what you did, I cant, I just, but sometimes when Im with you I just, I feel so...
Joey: But I made cards!!
Doug: No-no, I heard what you said, funny. I like funny. (Chandler starts to leave) This team is about hard work, but its also about having fun. Good to have you aboard Bing! (smacks him on the butt, and Chandler leaves shocked.)
Joey: All right, youre probably not gonna want to hear this but ah, if it was me, and this is just me, (Chandler gets ready to throw another dart) I would ah, I would bow out.
Emily: Oh, no-no, yknow I absolutely adore Rachel its just that, well it might be a awkward for you. But its absolutely your decision. (Gets up.) More tea?
Phoebe: All right, fine, fine, but if youre my next victim, dont come back as a poltergeist and like suck me into the TV set.
Ross: I dont know whether hes testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control. But, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine, "supposedly" by accident.
Ross: (calming down) Yeah, I know. I mean, no, youre right. Yeah I guess Ill let it go. But you-you understand how-how hard it is to forget about this.
PHOEBE: [cutting Mrs. Greene off] Ha-ha, that's great, ha-ha. I can't wait to hear the rest of it, ya know, but I really have to go to the bathroom so... Hey, come with me. Yeah, yeah, it'll be like we're gal pals, ya know, like at a restraunt. Oh, it'll be fun, c'mon. [they go in the bathroom]
Phoebe Sr.: Sorry. But just one last thing. Y'know you came looking for family. Im family, Im it. Now, now Im done. (starts to leave)
Phoebe: But, its not like were losing anything. Y'know?
Phoebe: Uh-huh, well! But umm, still Im-Im mad at you.
Phoebe: Ok, well that's bad. But don't you think it might be different with someone else? Perhaps a blonde who always uses a toilet. Except for once in the ocean.
Phoebe Sr: No, no, thats just Chuck Magioni, I-I sold him a house last year! And Im very sorry, but I dont know where your Father is, and thats the truth.
Rachel: Oh, youre one of those. But yknow what? I have two sisters of my own and we just-just tortured each other.
(Ross wants to say something, but just smiles and leaves.)
Rachel: (pause) He is, isnt he? I dont know, I dont know, I mean maybe its just being here at the beach together or, I dont know. But its like something... (shes interrupted by the sound of Bonnie entering)
Chandler: (not knowing the true meaning of her exclamation) I know, but just let me say it.
Monica: Oh, but its made her so happy.
Ross: Yeah, but you were the one who got him back, y'know? You, you were great. ...Hey, we uh, we still have that, uh, that bottle of wine. You in the mood for, uh, something grape?
PHOEBE: Oh, I am sorry but I am incredibly talented.
Chip: Oh yeah, but I can stay out as late as I want.
Rachel: How are you? (She goes to kiss him on the cheek, but stops because of the dates and pats him on the shoulder.)
Joey: (approvingly) Oh! ok, yeah, I think I can do that. Yeah ok, there's this party scene coming up.. and Olivia and her husband are there and all Drake wants to do is grab her and kiss her, but he can't... And that makes me think about all those times when I wanted to grab you and kiss you, but you didn't know so I would just pretend everything was cool, but really, it was killing me.
Phoebe Sr: Well, yes, its kindve an unusual house. It has umm, three beautiful bedrooms and ah, no baths. But y'know, the ocean is right there.
Joanna: (Coming out of the shower wearing nothing but a towel) Hello, Rachel. (She goes into Chandlers bedroom)
Joey: No! No. But ah, try the classifieds, people sell everything in there.
(They start kissing again, but are interrupted by the phone.
Rachel: Okay, swear you wont tell, but when Mark left he gave me a key to Joannas office. Do you wanna see the list?
Joanna: (on speaker phone) Im really sorry but I may be a little while longer.
Ross: Wait, wait a minute, there's no light on the back wall! How do I know when it's gonna start? Hello? (he slowly turns and the spraying begins, on his face) Ah, oh, ah! (he turns, but then he turns again and is sprayed in the front again) Ah! (he spits and angrily goes out of the spray-on tan booth and the assistant enters the room) The same thing happened again!
Chandler: It did enter my mind! But then something happened that made it, shoot right out.
Rachel: No, theres nothing to make up, shes gonna know that I have a key to her office, Ive got to get you locked up back the way you were! (She tries to drag him over to the chair, but Chandler stops her.)
Monica: (getting up) All right, Ill go down there. But, Im not gonna serve the lasagna. Im gonna serve something I make.
(She goes for his magazine and he grabs it away before she reaches it. But she was only using the magazine as a decoy because she grabs his cookie and coffee, takes a bite out of the cookie and drinks some of the coffee.)
Monica: Well, I was going for wrong, but we can use your word.
Doug: Ha! (goes to smack him on the butt, but stops, faking Chandler out) Ahhhhhhh!
Phoebe: No but, why does that have to be a bad thing. Just change what it means. Y'know? Go down there and prove your Mother wrong. Finish the job you were hired to do, and well call that pulling a Monica.
(Rachel goes to hug him but Ross is holding one of her hands and doesnt let go, so she can only put one arm around him.)
Rachel: Oh yeah, I know, but the garbage was full.
Monica: Okay ah, please dont freak out. Umm, but ah, theres a blue fingernail in one of the quiche cups, and theres no way to know which one.
Phoebe: Yeah, well, everybody does! Im a really cool person. And y'know you had 29 years to find that out, but you didnt even try! Y'know what, you walked out on me, and Im just, Im gonna do the same thing to you.
Ross: Ohh! Thank you! I like mail. (He goes to kiss her again, but she turns away.)
(Joey does so, and they both start dancing. Treeger tries to spin Joey, but ends up throwing him into the door.)
Rick: Wow! I had no idea! But you know, I could always find another masseuse.
Kathy: Oh. Well uh, (to Chandler) you not being able to talk may make this easier. Listen umm (She looks at the gang who are watching, they take the hint and leave them alone.) Listen I dont wanna be someone who comes between two best friends. I just, I cant stand seeing what this is doing to you guys, and I dont wanna be the cause of that. So, I dont think we can see each other anymore. Im gonna go to my moms in Chicago, Im gonna stay there for awhile. I think this couldve be something really amazing, but yknow this is probably for the best. Yknow? Im gonna miss you. Good-bye, Chandler.
Phoebe: (getting up) Oh, for god�s sake, Judy, pick up the sock! Pick up the sock! Pick up the sock! (everybody scared) I�m sorry, was that rude? Di-did my, my li-little outburst blunt (?) the hideousness (?) that is this evening? Look, I know, you all have a lot going on, but all I wanted to do was have dinner with my friends on my birthday. And you are all so late and you didn�t even have the courtesy to call. (her cellular rings) Well, it�s too late now.
Rachel: Ooh, I just wish we hadnt lost those four months, but if time was what you needed just to gain a little perspective...
Phoebe: Oh yeah, oh and I know, but this isnt what it looks like, cause Rick is my ahh, husband.
Mr. Treeger:: Ahh, thanks but no. You see I-I think Im ready to dance with girls.
Mr. Treeger:: Yeah, but yknow, I think the reason were not getting that spin right is because my apartments too small.
Monica: Just be yourself. But, not too much.
Chandler: Oh yeah, gym member. I try to go four times a week, but Ive missed the last 1200 times.
Kathy: I'm sorry, you're right, I apologize, but I should tell you that I'm waiting for a date. (Joey enters) Oh, and there he is now.
Ross: (reading from a notepad) I mean, we've been accepting Leakey's dates as a given, but if they're off by even a hundred thousand years or so then you can - you can just throw most of our assumptions, you know, right in the trash. (he throws the notepad in the waste bin) So-so what I am saying is - is is that (he picks the notepad back from the waste bin) is that the repercussions could be huge! I mean, not just in palaeontology, but if-if you think about it, in evolutionary biology, uh, genetics, geology, uh, I mean, truly the mind boggles!
Rachel: Yeah, sure. Umm, they didnt have poppy seed bagels, so I (Enters Joannas office and sees her handcuffed to her chair wearing nothing but a slip) Oh my word!
Kathy: No, but this wonder broom is amazing!
Phoebe: I don't know. But, God, Joey seems to be handling it suprisingly well.
Ross: Well, I was just playing with him, and y'know we were doing the alphabet song, which he used to be really good at, but suddenly hes leaving out e and f. Its like they just ah, I dont know, fell out of his head.
MRS GREEN: Oh, am I! I just danced with a wonderfully large woman. And three other girls made eyes at me over the buffet. Oh, I'm not saying it's something I wanna pursue, but it's nice to know I have options.
Monica: Actually there is. Chandler usually helps me with this, but hes really into the game so I dont want to bother him. Could you help me fold these napkins? (Hands her a stack of them.)
Joey: All right! Ill try! But if I cant, you can stay with Chandler and I until you get settled.
PHOEBE: I know it's kind of weird, but I mean, she was a big part of my life there, you know, and now I just feel kind of alone.
Joey: I want you to like her! But if that's too damned difficult for you, then the least you can do is pretend.
Joey: Well, that's pretty good. But you might wanna tone it down a little.
Chandler: Okay, but that's, like, the easiest era.
Monica: Probably the only time I'll ever say this, but did you see the ass on her?
Phoebe: Yeah, but remember you said you ordered something special, and it just hasn't come yet?
Phoebe: There you go, that's the spirit! Okay! Now, if you need money, I will lend you money, but just get moving!
Phoebe: Yes, but I'm doing this.
Phoebe: Fine. But you can't help me develop my new universal language.
Cheryl: Okay, um, don't take this the wrong way, but your place kinda has a weird smell.
Phoebe: But Mon, you have to get our money!
Chandler: But if we win, we get your apartment.
Joey: Oh. Maybe. But hey I know how I can find out. Were going to a New Years Eve party, right? So at midnight, I can kiss her. And if she kisses me back, great! Yknow? But if she says Dude, what the hell are you doing? I can say It wasnt me, it was New Years!
Ross: Uh-uhWow! Uh, I thought you guys were just like making jokes, I had no idea. What you know what? You guys are wrong. Uh yes, there is a chronological age difference but I never notice it. You know why? Because she is very mature. Besides, it doesnt really matter to me what you guys think. I mean, Im the one dating Elizabeth, not you!
ROSS: But I don't know it. What I do know is that you owe $2300 at Isn't it Chromantic.
Ross: Yeah, just a little in high school, but then I really got into it in college. I mean thats-thats when I really found my sound.
Monica: Oh God! Orange juice just came out of my nose, but it was totally worth it. Oh my God, I completely forgot about your sound.
Chandler: Oh, so, forget about the birds, but big red insects suggest fine dining!
Phoebe: Ugh, okay, I have an enormous crush on you. But because youre a client, I cant ask you out, even though you give me yknow, the feeling.
Joey: Me too, but I guess I do have a couple of more(his time runs out for real)
Kathy: Yeah, I do. Of course, I learned at my aunts dog grooming shop, but hey, what do you say?
Rachel: Yeahh, but, but those really go better with pants. Maybe I should wear pants?
Kathy: Chandler, I like Joey a lot, but with you
Kathy: No, but thats bad!
PHOEBE: I'm sorry, but sometimes they need help. That's fine. Go ahead and scoff. You know, there're a lot of things that I don't believe in, but that doesn't mean they're not true.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is opening the door, but Chandler has the chain on it.]
Joey: Good, and hey! My treat. (He turns to go into his bedroom then stops.) But that's only because you're not eating anything, right?
Chandler: Yes, but I-I uh, dont have too.
Joey: But hey, listen just so you know, you might have youre work cut out for you. Cause when I talked to her, I kinda got the feeling that shes into some other guy. So
Chandler: Look, Im sorry! But theres nothing I can do, I think Im in love with her!
Joey: I dont know! But its the same!
Chandler: Look I never should have kissed your girlfriend, but Im (Joey hangs up the phone again.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone but Joey and Chandler are there getting ready for Thanksgiving.]