words in movies
Chandler: (coming from the bedroom) Say goodbye elves, I'm off to Tulsa.
Chandler: Yeah, we have all this paperwork that needs to be filed by the end of the year. If I don't get it done, I'll be fired.
Chandler: So, who does?
Chandler: I'm sorry, I won't be here.
Chandler: Thanks. (they kiss) I'll see you New Year's Day.
Chandler: Did I not mention that?
Chandler: (thinks for a second, then waves his arms, exclaiming:) AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT! (and runs out of the apartment)
[Scene: Chandler's Office in Tulsa, in the conference room. Chandler's staff/co-workers are sitting round the table; Chandler is walking around, when he notices a piece of paper attached to the back of his chair.]
Chandler: All right everybody, I know that it's Christmas Eve and you'd rather be with your families, but there's *no* call (he takes it off) for writing "Screw you, Mr. Bing!" on the back of my chair! (he looks at it) -- By the way, you can all call me Chandler.
Chandler: Hey. Where've you been?
Chandler: (to the others) You hear that? You may not be with your families, but at least it's gonna smell like ham in here.
Chandler: Y'know what, I know what will cheer you guys up! (he starts spreading envelopes among them) I had a little talk with the boys in New York, told 'em about all the hard work you've been doing and that a little Christmas bonus may be in order.
Chandler: Well, that's like money in your pocket! - Alright look, you want me to say it? This sucks. Being here sucks! This work sucks!
Chandler: I'm sorry. Hey, at least you guys get to go home and be with your families tonight. I have to go back to an empty hotel room and lay down on a very questionable bedspread. And then tomorrow morning, you get to have Christmas morning in your own houses, wich, by the way, none of you have invited me to.
Chandler: Haha, no thanks!
Chandler: Oh, thanks! I'm... actually thinking about becoming a motivational speaker.
Chandler: Typical Christmas-y stuff, you know? Our holidays are pretty traditional...
Monica, Moncia, have a happy Hanukkah. Saw Santa Claus, he said hello to Ross. And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy! And Rachel and Chandler, have err-umm-glander!!"
[Flashback to 610 - TOW The Routine] [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment, Chandler is there. Phoebe and Rachel enter.]
Chandler: I can save you time ladies, I'm right here.
Phoebe: Yeah, Chandler why don't you take a walk? This doesn't concern you.
Chandler: What? That's terrible!
Chandler: Oh well, that, that makes it not terrible.
Chandler: No not okay, you can't look for Monica's presents!
Chandler: No, you don't have to, and you can't because I, I live here too.
Chandler: Why?
Rachel: Chandler, aren't you worried about what to get Monica for Christmas?
Chandler: No, I have a great idea for a present for her.
Phoebe: Oh, that's it? (Mimics Chandler) A great idea! Oh yeah.
Rachel: Chandler, that's not enough. I mean what if she gets you a great present, two medium presents, and a bunch of little presents? And you've just gotten her one great present? I mean that's just gonna make her feel bad. Why would you do that to her Chandler? Why? Why?
Chandler: If I help, we can find 'em faster!
Rachel: (Reading from a tag that's attached to the shoe) "Dear losers, do you really think I'd hide presents under the couch? P.S.: Chandler, I knew they'd break you."
[Flashback to 209 - TOW Phoebe's Dad] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey and Chandler are giving out their Christmas presents out of a cardboard box from a case of motor oil.]
Chandler: OK, Pheebs, your turn.
Chandler: And, a lemon lime.
Chandler: And last but not least.
(Chandler and Joey give Monica a pack of condoms.)
[Flashback to 710 - TOW The Holiday Armadillo] [Scene: Monica, Chandler and Phoebe's, Ross is costumed as an Armadillo.]
Chandler: (entering in a Santa costume) Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
Ben: Santa! (Runs to Chandler and hugs him)
Chandler: Hey! (Grunts as Ben hits him at full speed.)
Chandler: Well, I'm here to see my old buddy Ben. What are you doing here, weird...turtle-man?
Chandler: What?
Ross: (to Chandler) What are you doing?
Chandler: You called everyone and said you were having trouble finding a Santa costume, so I borrowed one from a guy at work!
Chandler: Why?
Chandler: But I didn't get to shake my belly like a bowl full of jelly.
Ross: I'm sorry Chandler, but this, this is really important to me.
Chandler: Fine, I'll give the suit back.
Monica: (to Chandler) Hey, you think, you can keep it another night? (She has a really teasing look on her face and keeps twirling Chandler's beard.)
Chandler: Santa? Really?
Chandler: Did your Dad ever dress up like Santa?
Chandler: Then it's okaaay! (They kiss.)
Chandler: You know what, everybody? Go home. You should be with your families. It's bad enough that we're working New Year's Eve.
Chandler: Did I not tell *anyone* about New Year's Eve? -- Alright, look, go! Go home, okay? Merry Christmas! Go.
Chandler: Good, God's speed, good people! (he starts to close the door, turns around and sees Wendy) You're not gonna go?
Chandler: Ah. Thanks.
Chandler: Ah. (The phone rings; he answers it) Chandler Bing.
[Scene change back an forth: Monica and Chandler's Apartment, Monica's on the other end of the line. The phone's speaker is turned on, so the rest of the gang, sitting around the phone, can hear Chandler.]
Chandler: Ahh, Merry Christmas; I miss you guys!
Chandler: Ah, well no, it's just uh, me and Wendy.
Chandler: It is. Did I... not tell you about her?
Chandler: I sent them home.
Chandler: Uhh, uh...
Chandler: I don't know!
Chandler: I don't think of her that way, you know, she's a, she's a colleague.
Chandler: Oh, she's regional Vice President; She's... just below me.
Chandler: BE-LOW me!
Chandler: Well, she... she didn't win...
Chandler: Well, second prettiest that year; I mean, of *all* the girls in Oklahoma, she's probably...
Rachel: (interrupting him) Oh Chandler, stop talking!
Chandler: Honey, there's really nothing to worry about.
Chandler: I'm serious!
Chandler: Merry Christmas.
Chandler: Merry Christmas, you guys!
Chandler: (hanging up the phone) The wife says "Hi!".
Chandler: Ah well, she's got this weird idea, that, uh, y'know, just because you and I are alone, that something is gonna happen.
Chandler: This is probably the wrong thing to be worrying about, but... you're getting ham on my only tie.
[Scene: The conference room in Tulsa again, Chandler is trying to evade Wendy]
Chandler: Whoa-ho, back off, Missy! (He takes a step back, but she still keeps her grip on his tie.)
Chandler: I don't know; I'm not used to girls making passes at me! ... (She lets go of his tie) Wait a minute... am I sexy in Oklahoma?
Chandler: (flattered) No,... no... (realizing) NO! (He quickly gets several steps away from her.) Look, I'm, I'm married!
Chandler: I'm *happily* married.
Chandler: Right. So, I'm sorry...
Chandler: Well look, it's not easy to spend this much time apart, you know. She's entitled to be a little paranoid... or, in this case: right on money! ... You know, she's amazing, and beautiful, and smart, and if she were here right now, ...she'd kick your ass. Look, you're a really nice person... ham stealing and adultery aside. But, what I have with my wife is pretty great, so nothing is ever gonna happen between us.
(Chandler starts to think about it...)
Chandler: I mean, you were the most beautiful woman in the room tonight!
Chandler: You kidding? You're the most beautiful woman in most rooms... (She jumps up and kisses him.) (Breaking the kiss.) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's going on? You and I just made out! You and I are making out?
Chandler: But we don't do that.
Chandler: How drunk are you?
Chandler: (thinks) That's the perfect amount!
Chandler: What?
Chandler: I know.
Chandler: Well, I have kissed over four women. (They kiss again.) Do you wanna get under the covers?
Chandler: Okay!
Chandler: It bodes well for me that speed impresses you.
Chandler: Yep!
Chandler: Count of three?
Chandler: Two!
Chandler: Well I think it's safe to say that our friendship is effectively ruined.
Chandler: Eh! (They start making out again)
[Flashback to 503 - TOW The Triplets] [Scene: A hallway in the hospital, Monica and Chandler are talking.]
Chandler: So, are you really gonna go out with that nurse man?
Chandler: Y'know, I don't know if you've ever looked up the term goofing around in the dictionary... Well, I have, and the technical definition is, two friends who care a lot about each other and have amazing sex and just wanna spend more time together. But if you have this new fangled dictionary that gets you made at me, then we have to, y'know, get you my original dictionary. I am *so* bad at this.
Chandler: Really? Okay, so...
Chandler: Y'know, I sensed that I should stop. So we're okay?
Monica: Yeah. (They kiss and as she starts to leave, Chandler starts to dance. Without turning around:) Don't do the dance.
Chandler: Right!
[Flashback to 524 - TOI Vegas, Part II] [Scene: The Gift Shop, Monica and Chandler are entering.]
Chandler: Okay, all right, all right, all right! Okay! (Picks up a blue sweater.) Okay, here's something, here's something blue and new.
Chandler: Let's go! (Starts to leave.)
Chandler: Oh, okay, I have condom in my wallet that I've had since I was twelve.
Chandler: I don't think so.
Chandler: (looks around) Here just...take this. (Hands her the sweater.)
Chandler: No, we'll-we'll bring it back! Just put it under your dress.
Chandler: Okay, one thing at a time. (They run out to get married.)
[Flashback to 702 - TOW Rachel's Book] [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is looking at the wedding book as Monica enters.]
Chandler: Ehh.
Chandler: Look, I thought about it too, and I'm sorry. I think we should spend all of the money on the wedding.
Chandler: Yeah, I'm putting my foot down. Yeah look, when I proposed I told you that I would do anything to make you happy, and if having the perfect wedding makes you happy, then, then that's what we're gonna do.
Chandler: Eh, forget about the future and stuff! So we only have two kids, y'know? We'll pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college.
Chandler: Yeah.
Chandler: Uh, four, a boy, twin girls and another boy.
Chandler: Well, stuff like where we'd live, y'know? Like a small place outside the city, where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and stuff. Y'know, we could have a cat that had a bell on its collar and we could hear it every time it ran through the little kitty door. Of course, we'd have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old.
Chandler: Sure you do.
Chandler: You sure?
Chandler: I love you so much.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's Apartment, everyone except Chandler is there; they're opening their presents]
(Shortly after that, Chandler enters.)
Chandler: Hey!
Chandler: I wanted to be with you. I missed you so much.
Chandler: Monica.
Chandler: I never want to leave you again!
Chandler: Turns out they can't fire me. Because I quit.
Chandler: Yeah! It's a stupid job, and I could not stand leaving you. And why should I be the only one who doesn't get to do what he *really* wants to do?
Chandler: (realizing) I have *not* thought this through!
Chandler: I know, I, I should have talked to you first about it.
Chandler: Thanks!
Phoebe: Chandler, your being here is the best Christmas present I could have ever imagined.
Chandler: (flattered) Ahh...
(Chandler hands Phoebe an envelope, and some more to Monica)
Phoebe: (to Chandler) Thank you.
Chandler: (to Monica) Here, pass these, will ya.. (points to the others)
Chandler: I... thought it was a timely start to thinking about other people. Besides, this gift still says I love you guys.
Chandler: I don't have a *job*!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's Apartment, Monica is cleaning up, Chandler is sitting on the couch, checking the Job offers in a Newspaper.]
Chandler: Actuary... no. Book-keeper... no. Topless dancer... (he looks down on himself, checking, then nods satisfied and marks the offer with a pen) (to Monica:) Hey, d'you know what I just realized? You are the sole wage earner. *You* are the head of the household. I don't do anything - I'm a kept man!
Monica: You are! (she picks up a bill from the table, handing it to Chandler) Hey, here's twenty bucks. -- Why don't you go buy yourself something pretty while I'm at work tomorrow?
(Chandler looks at the bill, thinking... then looks at the offer in the Newspaper and makes some dancing moves to see if he's up for the job...)
Chandler: I know.
Chandler: Okay, a quick one. Come on hug it out. (Paul rushes over and hugs Chandler tightly.) Oh hey! There you go. (The hug continues.) Okay. (The hug continues.)
(Ross and Joey urge Chandler to tell Rachel.)
Ross: Chandlers gonna ask Monica to marry him!
Chandler: Check out the ring.
Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh Chandler!! (Hugs him.) You guys are gonna be so happy!
(Chandler laughs, turns, and sees that Ross and Joey arent happy.)
Joey: Oh, very funny. I dont know if you remember, but my audition was supposed to be Thursday. (Chandler doesnt say anything until Joey figures it out.) You got me the audition?! Lets hug it up! (They hug.)
Chandler: Okay, well tonights the big night.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is showing Ross, Rachel, Joey, and Phoebe his engagement ring again.]
Chandler: Shes not gonna say no.
Chandler: Yeah.
Chandler: Hey!
Chandler: (with his mouthful) Hi Monica.
Chandler: Im not gonna mess it up.
Chandler: (To Phoebe) Give me it!
Chandler: Phoebe!
Chandler: Hey!
Chandler: I just get mad when Rachel doesnt remember where were going.
(Chandler stares at him.)
Chandler: (glaring at her) Well, Monica and Chandler cant go. Were going to dinner remember?!
Chandler: Chicks dont swim.
Chandler: Im gonna ask Monica to marry me.
Chandler: Oh, so youre already doing your part for the kids.
Chandler: No. How are ya Paul? (Starts to look for his credit card.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is practicing proposing.]
Chandler: Okay, now will you guys get out of here? I want this is to be a surprise and shes gonna know.
Chandler: Yeah, right here in my pocket. (Pats his pocket. Phoebe smiles, goes over to hug him, and removes the ring from his pocket.) Pheebs?
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Chandler are entering and theyre arguing.]
Chandler: Okay! (They hug.) I was gonna wait til uh, it was official yknow? But I got so excited I just had to tell you guys because youre my best friends.
Paul: (acting manly to try and cover up his crying) Okay. Chandler, did your dad ever hug you?
Chandler: And protected them from a tornado?
Chandler: Okay, our news. My company has asked me to head up our office in Tulsa , so as of Monday I'm being officially relocated.
Chandler: Oh, yeah. (Starts to take it off and then realizes) Uh, no you cant have my jacket! Because then I would be cold! If you thought that you were going to be cold, you shouldve brought your own jacket. But uh, other than that, are you okay? Are you okay?
Chandler: Okay umm, before I meant you I had really little life and I couldnt imagine growing old with
Chandler: Yes! Im fine. In fact Ive been fine for a long time now and I think, the reason is you.
Ross: (going up to Rachels closed door) Chandler? (He opens the door and looks inside and doesnt see him.) Chandler? (He checks the bathroom and still doesnt find him. He then finds a note on the counter. He picks it up and reads it.)
Chandler: Look, uh, just come later, we'll get everything squared away and you can come back later.
Joey: Hey-hey-hey-ho-ho, I got this one. Here you go. (Hands Gunther Chandlers card.) Yknow I gotta tell ya, sometimes I justI dont get Chandler. Yknow, me and him do stuff all the time without you and you dont get all upset.
Chandler: Hi.
Chandler: No, but waitwhat if I bought it from you, yknow? And your nice gesture would be giving it to me at a reasonable price, say (Gets choked up) $1,500?
[Scene: A Jewelry Shop, Chandler and Phoebe are looking at engagement rings.]
Chandler: Yeah, Ill sit down. (He slides back into his chair.)
Chandler: Hey-hey, hey! (Gets up and hugs him.) I dont know why I did that!
Chandler: (goes to hug him and stops short) HeyyyyWhat?
Chandler: Yes. (Thinking hes gone.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Rachel are sitting on the couch.]
Chandler: No, the doctors say it may kill her.
Chandler: Its your parents anniversary and youre going to talk about their dead pet?
Chandler: What?!
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler are there as Ross enters and sees Gunther.]
Chandler: I got a good one, I got a good one! I once walked in on both my parents making love to the same guy.
Chandler: Richard!
Chandler: Oh you knew that. Good!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Chandler are returning to find Ross is there waiting for them.]
Phoebe: Yeah, but theres a two-year wait. And then what if you get engaged in two years and then you got to wait another two years for this place. Thats four years. Chandlers not gonna wait that long. Hes gonna find somebody else, yknow? Someone, someone who did put their name on the list. (Rachel agrees.)
Chandler: For camp!
Chandler: Wh-How did you lose at Cups?!
Chandler: (To Monica) You are beautiful.
Chandler: Hey, you have to forget about Elizabeth. I mean if youre not careful you may not get married at all this year!
(She takes it out of her mouth and hands it to him as Monica returns from her room and this time forcing Chandler to put the ring in his mouth.)
Chandler: I haven't... I haven't even thought about the results yet... I just assumed that everything was gonna be ok.
Monica: Chandler, wh-why dont we sit down?
Phoebe: Ohh, let me see it! Let me see your hand! (Chandler is frantically trying to wave them off.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is taking out the garbage as Phoebe and Joey enter. Phoebe gasps.]
Chandler: (after the door closes) What did you guys just do?!
Chandler: Richard was there so I couldnt do it!
Chandler: This is terrible. What am I going to do?
Chandler: Im gonna do it tomorrow yknow, and-and surprise her, but now youve ruined it!
Chandler: I can do that, Ive had 30 years of practice.
Chandler: Thats right, I can throw her off. I can make her think marriage is the last thing on my mind.
Chandler: Hey!
Chandler: Okay, okay, here she comes! (Sits on the couch next to him.) How do I look? Do I look like a guy who doesnt want to get married?
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is looking out the window and Joey is sitting on the couch.]
Chandler: Eh
Chandler: Yeah, well Yknow, it just got me thinking though, why would anybody ever want to get married huh?
Ross: (to Chandler) Thats a duck.
Rachel: Isnt it incredible?! Monica and Chandler, gettin married.
Joey: Hey uh, have you guys scene Chandler?
Chandler: What?! Im Chandler! (She nods towards the doorway, Chandler turns and looks) Oh, thats Richard!
Chandler: If marriage worked, Id be all for it. But do you know what the divorce rate in this country is? 97%.
Monica: Come on Chandler, come on, I can handle Ross. (They go to the door. Ross is trying to stick his hand through and undo the chain; Monica pushes his hand back.) (To Ross) Hold on! (She opens the door.) Hey Ross. What's up bro?
[Scene: A Pizza Joint, Chandler and Monica are eating lunch.]
Richard: Okay thats fine, Ill walk away. And Ill never bother you again, but only if you tell me Chandlers willing to give you everything I am.
Chandler: Well, never say never but yknow probably uh yeah, never.
Chandler: (to them) Its okay, I got a plan.
[Joey's place. He goes to say something to Chandler in the other chair but no one's there. He goes to call Chandler but decides not to and throws the phone back down.]
Joey: Well, you know Chandler.
Monica: No I dont know Chandler! Not anymore! Its like its like somethings changed.
Joey: Chandler giving you a hard time huh?
Joey: Chandler loves marriage!!
Chandler: What?!
Chandler: MyOh my God!
Chandler: Youre right.
Chandler: Well what Yknow what Im gonna do? Im gonna go over there; Im gonna kick his ass! (Pause) Will you help me?!
Chandler: Hes not supposed to ask my girlfriend to marry him! Im supposed to do that!
Chandler: What?!
Chandler: Okay great.
Monica: (entering) Chandler is such an idiot!
Chandler: Okay. (Starts running for the bedroom) Im gonna get the ring! Im gonna get the ring! (Does so) Im gonna go find her and (starts running for the door) Im just going to propose!