words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers. Phoebe and Ross are sitting in the living room talking.]
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers. Chandler enters with a bouquet of roses.]
Chandler: Happy Valentines!
Chandler: (picking up a video from the table) Candy and Cookie. Candy and Cookie? Monica got me porn?! Girl-on-girl porn?! She really must love me!! (Chandler runs over to the TV, puts the tape in, and sits down to enjoy some "porn")
Chandler: I love you, St. Valentine.
(The woman groans, moans, grunts, and screams. Chandlers eyes get huge!)
Chandler: Woah, woah, thats not pretty!
Chandler: Worst porn ever! Worst porn ever! (Chandler starts to press buttons on the remote control, frantically.)
Chandler: I am trying!
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers. Chandler is sitting on the couch staring at the tape on the coffee table with his eyes huge and his mouth wide open.]
(Chandler glances up at Monica with his mouth still wide open and his eyes still huge)
Chandler: (pointing at the video) Why did you get me this?
Chandler: Its yelling bleeding dilating. Oh, the dilating
Chandler: I thought maybe you got me porn for Valentines Day.
Monica: Chandler, if you thought I was going to get you porn for Valentines Day (pulls a video out of a basket) you were right! Apparently, its about a young girl who moves to the big city, you know, in search of stardom, but ends up having sex with a lot of guys! Yeah, it got four starts! (looks closer) Oh, wait a minute. Those arent stars. Anyway, you want to take a look?
Chandler: Well, Im not really in a sexy mood right now.
Chandler: Well, remember the first time we saw Jaws?
Chandler: How long it took to go back in the water?
Monica: Chandler, we cant let this tape wreck Valentines Day!
Chandler: You dont know. You didnt see it.
Chandler: Oh, beautiful? Really? Beautiful? You think this is beautiful? (picks up the remote and presses a button, and he immediately makes a face that just looks like hes going to throw up!)
Chandler: See, honey, theres(puts his hand on her leg)
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch still staring at the screen.]
Chandler: 90 seconds.
Chandler: You know, it haunts me? Up til now, the worst thing I ever saw, was my father doing tequila shots off the naked houseboy. After this, I would gladly make that my screensaver!
Chandler: I can do that.
(Chandler takes the tape and sticks it under the chair cushion)
Chandler: Okay. Now all weve got to do is get rid of this chair.
(Chandler crawls over to Monica and they move in to kiss, but they cant do it and back up. They move in to kiss again, and kiss very awkwardly for a second, until someone knocks on the door.)
Chandler: Oh, I know!
Chandler: Poor Ross.
(Monica and Chandler both look at each other and run over to the window to watch the action in Ross apartment)
Chandler: Oh, great. We have to watch him do yoga in his underwear, but for this he closes the drapes!
Chandler: Oh, and we should warn you, before you watch it: dont watch it.
Chandler: Well, lets just say its ironic how footage of someone being born can make you want to kill yourself.
Chandler: (with his arm all the way under the cushion, moving it around) This reminds me of a very specific part of the tape. (Chandler puts the tape in, and they all sit down) Okay, here we go.
Chandler: Why have I seen this thing three times?!
Chandler: Wait, you guys, look!
Chandler: No, the babys out! Look, look!
Chandler: And look how happy the mom is now!
(Chandler hands Phoebe an envelope, and some more to Monica)
Chandler: I'm sorry. Hey, at least you guys get to go home and be with your families tonight. I have to go back to an empty hotel room and lay down on a very questionable bedspread. And then tomorrow morning, you get to have Christmas morning in your own houses, wich, by the way, none of you have invited me to.
Chandler: (to Mon) So, Zack's pretty nice, uh?
Phoebe: Yeah thats right Chandler does still think Im pregnant. He hasnt asked me how Im feeling or offered to carry my bags. Boy, I feel bad for the woman who ends up with him. (Monica looks at her.) After you of course.
Chandler: (he enters) Hey honey!
Chandler: Is Monica not here?
PHOE: Your boobs are fine. Look, I never should have said anything. Come here. Come here. [hugs Chandler but holds her hands apart behind his back] Oh, can't make.... hands... meet....
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment]
Chandler: Oh... I don't know, I really don't think you're right for the part.
Joey: Hey, Im gonna call her later! Honest! Oh come on, Chandler used to do it! Hed even make the girl pancakes! Plus, hed make extras and leave em for me.
Chandler: Oh its been going on way to long now. Yknow, I mean the first time he said it we were just passing each other in the hallway, so I didnt say anything. And then the next time he said, "Hey Toby, do you want a donut?" And I-I wanted a donut. And now its five years later, the donuts gone and Im still Toby.
Phoebe: And how none of it matters when the people really love each other. (Chandler and Monica kiss.) And how people will believe anything you tell them as long as its a compliment.
Chandler: (angry) Funniest guy she's ever met! (to the door) I'm funny, right...? What do you know, you're a door... You just like knock-knock jokes... (laughs about himself, but then gets determined again) Save it for inside! (he enters)
Chandler: I didn't get to the bathroom. I bumped into Owen on the way, and he didn't know he was adopted. And there's a slight chance I may have told him.
Monica: Uh, Chandler did! What does he want you to give up? Phoebe: A bunch of stuff. And the worst one... he wants me to get rid of Gladys.
Chandler: Joe, I told you, you're just not right for the part.
Chandler: Hey you guys.
Chandler: Joe...
Chandler: Fine!
Chandler: Work, Joe!
Chandler: Hey, I'm sorry, I should have given you guys my black book when I got married! Although it wasn't so much a book as a... napkin. With Janice's phone number on it.
Chandler (to Rachel): What am I gonna do now?
Chandler: Again, let's journey back... As I recall what Rachel said, was she had never notice the shape of your skull before. And Joey... Well, Joey didn't realise that there was anything different.
Chandler: Hey Joe!
[Scene: Chandler walks into Joey's apartment]
Chandler: (looks surprised) What!? Of course I did!
Chandler: I'm not lying to you, I watched it!
Chandler: (now yelling) (pretending to look shocked) I did!
Chandler: I watched it!
Chandler: (Hands the tape back to him) I'm sorry man.
Chandler: (following him) I'm telling you, I watched the tape. (Reaches Joey's room and Joey slams the door in his face)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Chandler and Rachel are talking.]
Chandler: What did I just say?
Chandler: That's good! I liked it, they didn't. (he sees Joey out of the window hitting on a girl) Joey, for God's sake, go to work! (Joey runs away).
Rachel: Well, this is going well. (Chandler looks worried)
Chandler: Why are you so sure I didn't watch this tape?
Chandler: Yes, and I have to say, I am not just hurt. I am insulted. When I tell somebody I did something...
Joey: (Yelling at Chandler) And that's how I know you didn't watch the tape! (goes back to his room and slams the door).
Chandler: He really is a chameleon.
Chandler: Look, I'm sorry I didn't give them your tape. And I promise, next time to submit you whether I think you are right for the part or not.
Chandler: Lying is wrong!
Chandler: I know. You're right. What's it gonna take for you to forgive me?
Joey: That's not the point Chandler. The point is that you lied.
Chandler: How about the dinosaur twins in the other room? No-one is manning that wall!
(we see Joey and Chandler standing there, and Chandler is wearing the blue Ichiban lipstick!)
Chandler: I'm a pretty little girl.
Chandler: Yeah, I miss that too. I tell you what; from now on well make time to hang out with each other.
Chandler: Are you just tired now or are you always tired, 'cause that could be a sign of clinical depression.
Chandler: That's funny, we were doing the same thing!
Chandler: Yeah it is really pricey. I mean, I freaked when I first heard the numbers.
Chandler: Hey!
Chandler: You know you don't want me to help. You can't have it both ways!
(Monica is cleaning the table, Chandler is sitting on the sofa. Joey enters.)
Chandler: (to Ross) Maybe you do that next time you get married!
[Flashback to Joey interrupting a bath Monica and Chandler are sharing in The One With All The Kissing. Monica dives underwater as Joey opens the door.]
Chandler: (pointing at himself) Little people?
Chandler: What...? NO!
Monica: Chandler?
Chandler: And yet, believable. So I decided not to fire her again until I can be assured that she will be no threat to herself, or others.
Chandler: I'll admit to the cigarettes and the magazine, but that tape is not mine.
Chandler: If I'd known you guys were coming over, I would have brought more pizza. (they all burst out in a thundering laugh)
Chandler: Ok, ok, here we go.
(Chandler hangs up and calls Monica who is reading a book on their sofa as the phone rings.)
Chandler: (interrupting) Oh-no-no-no! Dont! Dont! See-see, youre getting me confused, Im starting to urn.
Chandler: I don’t think you can do that!
Joey: Hey, finished my recommendation. (he hands it over to Chandler) Here. And I think you’ll be very, very happy. It’s the longest I ever spent on a computer without looking at porn.
Chandler: But you already gave all your money to charity!
Chandler: (To Monica) Now all you have to do is just get through a little bit more, okay? Then we can put you in bed, okay? Just smile and dont talk to anyone.
Monica: Hi, I am Monica and this is Chandler. Please come in.
Chandler: What?
[Chandler and Joey enter]
Chandler: Of course it was!
Chandler: RAT BASTARD!
Chandler: Well, I tried Billy Jean King, but... (Ross glares at him) you know, you and Monica have the same "I'm gonna kill you" look...? I can usually make it go away by kissing her... (Ross continues to glare at him and Chandler leans in as if he's going to kiss Ross)
Chandler: Oh, just like I said. That crazy... Bert... roaming the halls. (Joey bangs on the door again)
Chandler: (nervous smile) You can't make this stuff up!
Chandler: What the hell are you doing?
Chandler: Well, we're not.
Monica: (To Chandler) What room should we see next?
Chandler: We don't have a code word.
Monica: So that was the baby's room. (They come out and Chandler throws Joey behind the couch and puts his foot on him. Monica looks at Chandler)
[Scene: The beach house, its still raining. Chandler is building a sand castle, Rachel is doing Monicas nails, and theyre all drinking margaritas, obviously bored.]
Chandler: Ok!
Chandler: What?
Chandler: Any room that isn't behind this couch! (laughs nervously)
Chandler:(In a sarcastic "of course not"!-tone) No!
Laura: (embarrassed towards Chandler and Monica) Well, I'm pretty sure I gave you my number.
Joey: (to Chandler) Bert! Bert! Bert! Bert!
Chandler: I can explain... Joey...
(Joey leaves and closes the door behind him. Chandler walks towards the living room, but then Joey enters again.)
Monica: Okay, weve been out here for two hours and we havent seen any stupid comets. Can we go now? I mean, Chandlers getting chilly. (She walks over to where Chandler is bundled up in a big coat and shivering.)
Chandler: Oh, that's really ok.
(Chandler and Monica hug each other, and then Joey enters the apartment again.)
Joey: (to Chandler) Dude, Phoebes mom has got a huge peni...
Chandler: Well I would've been happy because I would've be able to spend the rest of my life with the woman that I love. Or, you would've seen a Chandler shaped hole in that door. (Points at the door.)
Chandler: Hey Joe! How's the second draft of the letter coming?
(Chandler and Monica hug and after a while the telephone rings again... Monica's eyes get bigger. Chandler answers.)
Chandler: Wrong number?
Chandler: That's great!
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. They are sitting in their living room when the phone rings.]