words in movies
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are sitting at the bar, in their bathrobes, eating cereal]
CHANDLER: That's what's weird? Joey, the man's been captain of a cereal for the last 40 years.
CHANDLER: Waaa-aaah.
CHANDLER: The spoon. You licked and-and you put. You licked and you put.
CHANDLER: Well don't you see how gross that is? I mean that's like you using my toothbrush. [Joey gets a sheepish look] You used my toothbrush?
CHANDLER: Mine is the red one! Oh God. Can open, worms everywhere.
CHANDLER: Because soap is soap. It's self-cleaning.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Phoebe are sitting at the table, Joey and Chandler enter.]
CHANDLER: Hey.
CHANDLER: Excuse me, you guys are getting tattoos?
CHANDLER: Wow, that's lucky. What if her name was Big Ugly Splotch?
CHANDLER: Oooh, Rich is goin' to the party too, huh?
[Scene: Joey's co-star's apartment. Chandler and Joey are at the brunch.]
CHANDLER: I know, this is a great apartment.
CHANDLER: Wow, there's my fantasy come true. No, seriously.
CHANDLER: [being left behind] Oh that's all right fellas, I saw a kitchen this morning - on TV. Stop talking. OK.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are returning from their brunch.]
CHANDLER: Oh please, I saw the way you were checking out his mouldings. You want it.
CHANDLER: Well it wouldn't kill you to say it once in a while.
CHANDLER: What?
CHANDLER: Woah, woah, woah. I don't need a roommate either, OK? I can afford to live here by myself. Ya know, I may have to bring in somebody once a week to lick the silverware.
CHANDLER: Look, you know what? If this is the way you feel, then maybe you should take it.
CHANDLER: Well then maybe you should take it.
CHANDLER: Fine with me.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is at the bar and Joey enters.]
CHANDLER: Hey.
CHANDLER: Yeah me too.
CHANDLER: Yeah. So do we need to hug here or. . .
CHANDLER: So I got ya something. [tosses Joey a bag of plastic spoons]
CHANDLER: Lick away my man.
CHANDLER: What?
CHANDLER: No-no, I mean what, what's this about your new place?
CHANDLER: Well I didn't think that was serious. [grabs the spoons back] Ya know I thought that was just a fight.
CHANDLER: Well, there you go.
CHANDLER: Hey, no, I've never been lower or wetter. I'll be fine. I'll just turn your, uh, bedroom into a game room or somethin', you know, put the foosball table in there.
CHANDLER: I did pay for half of it.
CHANDLER: Alright I'll tell you what, I'll play you for it.
CHANDLER: Your little men are gonna get scored on more times than your sister.
[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler and Joey are playing foosball for the table.]
CHANDLER: Stop talkin' to your men. [Joey scores]
CHANDLER: Congratulations. [Chandler leaves]
CHANDLER: Oh yeah, you got the big TV. We'll be over there all the time. . . [Chandler gives him a look] except when we are here.
CHANDLER: [quietly] Yeah, I remember.
[Everyone except Joey and Chandler leave.]
CHANDLER: So, uhh, em, you want me to uh, give you a hand with the foosball table?
CHANDLER: Thanks.
CHANDLER: Yeah, right, yeah, I guess so.
JOEY: Listen, uh, I don't know when I'm gonna see you again. CHANDLER: Well, I'm guessing uh, tonight at the coffee house. JOEY: Right, yeah. OK. Um, take care. CHANDLER: Yeah. [Joey walks out and after a few seconds comes back in and gives Chandler a big hug. He then leaves for good and Chandler is left alone in his apartment.] CLOSING CREDITS
Monica: (Shocked) Oh my God! Chandler!
Chandler: Where the hell is everybody?
[Scene: The theater. Chandler is sitting in the otherwise empty front row, looking around nervously]
(She heads for the kitchen and Chandler watches her leave and admires the view.)
Phoebe: Monica, you might want to remember that you are married. Where is Chandler anyway? (Looks around)
Rachel: Yeah, well, I guess I have forgotten about Joey and clearly you've forgotten about Chandler!
Chandler: Oh, no-no-no-no. Last time I left a spontaneous message I ended up using the phrase "Yes indeedy-o."
[Scene: Chandler in the theater]
Chandler: I... I don't know... you seem lovely.
Chandler: (To himself) oh yes, God yes!!
Chandler: (to Monica) So, how did you enjoy the play?
(Chandler walks in)
Chandler: Well you should be. You missed the most powerful three hours in the history of the theater.
Chandler: Did somebody sign your bra?
Rachel: Please, what about you and Chandler?
Phoebe: Hey, thank you so much for these tickets, Chandler.
Chandler: I missed most of the party (pause) Charlie's a girl, right?
Chandler: (to Joey) So, a professor, uh?
Chandler: We really need to take those tests?
Chandler: Oh, yeah?
Chandler: But I don't wanna do it in a cup!
Chandler: It's weird! In a doctor's office?
Chandler: Oh, yeah! RACHEL TALKS TOO!
Joey: It's like my favorite fairy tale come true! (Chandler looks at him) The princess, the stable boy and the lesbian!
Chandler: Deposit my specimen? You know, usually I have to call a 900 number for that kind of talk. Thanks, got it.
Chandler: I have a weird feeling about this place. (pause) How do I know that they are not gonna secretly videotape me and put it all over the internet.
Chandler: Yeah, I guess!
Chandler: Oh, Come on!
Chandler: (to Heaven) No no no... I mean, why? why is she here??
Chandler: Why are you here?
Chandler: What!?
Chandler: I'd love to stay, but I have eh... (points at the cup) got a hot date... (starts to leave)
Chandler: (disgusted) I think it just fell off. (Leaves)
Chandler: Ok, you know how most kids get their allowance from mowing the lawn or taking out the garbage, well I earned mineby plucking the eyebrows of my father and his �business� partners.
Chandler: Well no, Charlie's gonna get that.
[Scene: The Fertility Clinic; Chandler walks out one of the rooms]
Chandler: Yeah! yeah... The hard part is over!
Janice: Oh, Chandler, look. You and Monica are meant to have children. I am sure it's gonna be just fine.
Chandler: Okay, so, I'm in Las Vegas... I'm Liza Minelli-
[Cut to the city street. Monica and Chandler are jogging. Chandler is lagging behind so he hops in a cab and takes off, leaving Monica behind]
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's. Chandler is sitting on the sofa, reading the newspaper.]
Chandler: Doctor Connelly just called.
Chandler: I'm sorry.
Monica: Chandler?
Chandler: Hello? Oh hi, Doctor Connelly. (pause) No, she's not here but, you know, I can tell her. Should I be sitting down for this? (his smile fades as he hears the answer) Oh. (pause) Well, so what does that mean? (pause) Ok. Ok, thank you. Thanks. (hangs up)
Chandler: Actually it's both of us.
Chandler: (seriously) It means that we can keep trying, but there's a good chance this may never happen for us.
Chandler: It means that my guys won't get off their barcaloungers and you have a uterus that is prepared to kill the ones that do. (pause) It means...
Chandler: Well, we're gonna... we're gonna figure this out.
Chandler: Oh, I can't believe my sperm have low motility because, let me tell you, when I was growing up they sure seem to be in a hurry to get places!!
Chandler: (looking at the picture of the female reproductive system) Wow! Fortunately she has a very pretty face!
Chandler: Oh, DAMN IT!
Chandler: Hi.
(Dr. Connelly glares at Chandler)
Chandler: (sitting down on the couch) Ok.
Chandler: (entering) Hey guys!
Chandler: But you come first!
Chandler: Yeah.
Chandler: Aside from adoption the only other choice is insemination, so... we're talking about sperm donors.
Chandler: (stopping Joey) ah-ha!
Chandler: it was like the Algonquin kids table. (They all laugh, but Joey only laughs not to be left out.)
Chandler: I wish there was an easier way for us to have a child but I don't think there is one.
Chandler: Honestly? Me too.
Chandler: Hey! Look I brought a friend for dinner, this is Zack, from work!
[Scene: Monica's apartment, Chandler walks in with a friend of his while Monica is putting fruit in a bowl.]
Chandler: I'm telling you, he's great! I mean, even if my sperm worked fine, I'd think he'd be the way to go!
Monica: Chandler, this is crazy! What did you even say to him! "Come up, meet my wife! Give us your sperm"!
Chandler: So, how would you like to have a baby that's half yours and half his!
Monica: Chandler!
Chandler: Ok!
Chandler: So you might say, the ring is irreplaceable? (Gives Joey a little squeeze.)
Chandler: (bringing the beer to Zack) Zack!
CHANDLER: Achhh.� It's always better to lie than to have the complicated discussion.� (pause)� Except with you.
Chandler: You don't like him.
Zack: Oh! I'm gonna go wash up first. (Chandler points him the bathroom) Thanks!
Chandler: (very seriously) That's really not the kind of thing we are looking for Zack.
Chandler: Alright! Just follow my lead!
Chandler: You know what's not funny? Male Pattern Baldness (Monica stretches her neck to look behind Zack's head and then gives Chandler an "ok" sign)
Monica & Chandler: Sure! Alright...
Chandler: I noticed you were enjoying that Ravioli with a beautiful set of teeth. Did you have braces as a child?
Chandler: Oh good, 'cause I've already thought of 3... 4! I've just thought of a fourth (he goes towards the counter)
Chandler: I'm sorry, he's a little bit wound up, we had to stop at every maple candy stand on the way here.
Chandler: You sure you don't wanna stick around a little longer?
Chandler: Ok.
Chandler: I think we've found our sperm!
Chandler: Yeah, you think so, well? Should I ask him?
Chandler: (smiling) Yeah.
Chandler: So you know this leaves us with...
Chandler: (sighs with relief) Thank God, because I don't wanna do this either. You know, I was just doing because I thought that was what you wanted to do. You know, I'm the husband, I'm supposed to... bring the sperm.
Chandler: Really? Are you sure?
Chandler: Yeah, he's better!
Chandler: How do you feel about that?
Zack: (hardly enthusiastic) Hey Chandler.
Chandler: Hey, Zack!
Chandler: Look, I just wanted to apologize for last night. I got the feeling we made you a little uncomfortable.
Chandler: We are gonna be great parents.
Chandler: Really?
Chandler: Hang up, hang up. And that was a great movie! (Monica hangs up) I'm so gonna get back at Ross... oh yeah, this will show him, here we go (starts typing something).
Chandler: You wouldn't know if Jeanette's planning on keeping her baby, would ya?
Chandler: You guess I'm right? When we stayed at that bed and breakfast, you wouldn't have sex with me because you thought a deer was staring through the window.