words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler, Rachel, and Joey are there as Ross enters.]
Chandler: Ahh, Hotties of the Paleontology Department, theres a big selling calendar, eh?
Chandler: A hot girls at stake and all of the sudden hes Rain Man.
Chandler: Oh, is that against the rules?
Chandler: I see.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler are eating breakfast as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey Chandler! Yknow that girl you went to college with who-who became a movie director?
Chandler: Oh yeah, Dana Keystone. She was in my Movement class.
Monica: Its Chandlers way of pretending he didnt take mime.
Chandler: Oh, I dont know man. I havent talked to her in like ten years.
Joey: No-no-no, please-please Chandler I-I-I would owe you so much!
Chandler: You do owe me so much. You owe me three thousand, four hundred
Chandler: Oh okay, Ill-Ill try.
Chandler: Yeah so, Tuesday?
Chandler: (sarcastically) Thank you.
Chandler: You just thought of that in there?
Monica: Come on! (The girls all run out and Joey holds up Chandler by smiling.)
Chandler: What are you smiling about? What is so funny?
Monica: Joey! Hes working! (To Chandler) You would look good in that.
Chandler: Hows your room Rach?
Chandler: Have you figured out what started the fire Mr. Fireman?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is on the phone as Joey enters.]
Chandler: God, its great to catch up! I cant believe how long its been!
Joey: Chandler, is that (Mimes someone using a movie camera and Chandler nods yes.)
Chandler: (on phone) Oh thats great! Good for you.
Joey: Hey-hey listen (Chandler waves him away.)
Chandler: Okay! So yeah, maybe we can get together umm (Joey mimes throwing something in the air, catching it, rolling it out, putting it in an oven and cutting it.) Can you hold for one second please? (To Joey) What?!
Chandler: (on phone) Hi! Im back. (Goes to hang up the phone.) Yeah, that sounds great. (Listens) Okay. Well, well do it then. (Listens) Okay, bye-bye. (He hangs up the phone and turns around to see Joey standing close to him and screams.)
Chandler: Hi.
Chandler: (To Joey) We didnt get to the audition. Im gonna take her to coffee and then well do it then.
Chandler: Honey, it is not a date! I havent talked to her in ten years! You cant just call up somebody you havent talked to in ten years and ask them for a favor. There are rules, yknow? You gotta, you got to put in some time.
Chandler: No, we only went out once.
Chandler: Not once!
Joey: Hey, you wanna do Joey a favor, maybe you go out with Joey. (He turns around to see Chandler glaring at him.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is having coffee with Dana.]
Chandler: (laughs) Oh thats great, my friend Joeys in the movie business.
Chandler: (giggles) My friends name is Joey.
Chandler: Yeah, Ive always hated that Howie.
Chandler: The nerve huh?
Chandler: Refill?
Chandler: (entering) Hey.
Chandler: I couldnt do it.
Chandler: Hey, relax I just need more time. Were going to dinner tonight.
Chandler: Uh, Dana Keystone from college.
Chandler: No, that was Dana Caplin.
[Scene: A Restaurant, Chandler is having dinner with Dana.]
Chandler: Great story again! The yarns that you weave! Woo-hoo-hoo!
Chandler: Oh no-no-no! Stay! Stay! Because you-you should you-you-you should stay!
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, thats notNo-no-no!
Dana: Im sorry Chandler, yknow you are such a sweet guy and I, I dont want to hurt you. Oh, I wish there was something I can do to make you feel better.
Chandler: No-noReally?!
Chandler: (breaking up) Well, it just hurts so bad. I uh
Chandler: Well maybe there is one thing you can do.
Chandler: Well, I umm, I mean this is just off the top of my head now, umm but I have this friend. This actor friend and he would kill me if he thought I was doing this umm, but umm would it be possible for him to get an audition for your movie say on Thursday?
Chandler: Well, the heart wants what it wants. Ill see you later. (He runs off and leaves her with the bill, which the waiter promptly delivers.)
Chandler: (entering, sees Rachels throw) Ni-hi-ice!
Chandler: (To Joey) So, you busy Thursday?
Joey: Oh, very funny. I dont know if you remember, but my audition was supposed to be Thursday. (Chandler doesnt say anything until Joey figures it out.) You got me the audition?! Lets hug it up! (They hug.)
Chandler: Okay. Okay. (Joey puts him down.) What are you gonna do to me if you get the part?
Phoebe: Okay. Oh umm, Chandler, Monica is looking for you.
Chandler: Really?
Chandler: No! No! No! I was so careful! (Runs out.)
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey is eating pizza as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey!
Chandler: So?!
Chandler: Its Thursday! How was the audition?!
Joey: Wh? Monday, one day. Tuesday, two day. Wednesday, when huh what? Thurs(He gasps in horror.) Oh! (Runs out and Chandler just shakes his head. After a second Joey runs back in to grab a piece of pizza and runs back out.)
Chandler: (a little hurt) Okay but what about y'know my pinchable butt and my bulging bicepsShe knows!
[Chandler throws his coat on the couch]
Monica: (on phone) Okay, great! Bye. (Hangs up as Chandler enters.) So guess whos coming to Thanksgiving dinner?
Chandler: Oh! Thats great, they havent seen the place since I moved in!
Monica: (not amused by Chandlers joke) I miss Rachel. (To Chandler) No, my parents.
Chandler: (shocked at the news) Why cant I tell them that we live together?
Chandler: Why havent you told them?!
Chandler: Why havent you told them?! Wouldnt they be happy?!
Chandler: Hey! (Sees Ross is there) Oh, good, Ross! Youre parents like me, right?
Chandler: Is this why they dont like me or why you dont like me?
Joey: (entering) Look, what am I gonna do? I'm not flirting but still, I'm drawing her to me like - like a moth to a flame! (Tries to put his feet on the coffee table...they won't reach and looks around.) What the hell's going on over here?!?!? (Points to Chandler) Monica's gonna kill you! Look I need your help, I have to do something to-to repel this woman! Wait a minute, wait a minute, you guys repel women all the time.
Chandler: Why wouldnt they be happy?
Chandler: Theyre in my bag over there. (Points.)
Chandler: What? What? Why?!
Chandler: Oh, I figured you guys would all be mad at me. So I got you some gifts that I found on the side of the road. (Looks into the bag.) Who wants the teddy bear with one leg?
Chandler: Well Monica just told me that they dont.
Monica: (hugging Chandler) I dont think youll ever get my parents that drunk!
Chandler: Hey.
Chandler: She is gonna recognize that I did a nice thing and-and, appreciate it.
Chandler: [mocks that last comment].
Janine [to Chandler]: Hey.
[Chandler exits]
Chandler: This is great, another Thanksgiving with nothing to give thanks for.
Chandler: (annoyed) Do you know why?
Janine: Are you guys going to Chandlers for Thanksgiving?
[Chandler starts to leave as Janine enters]
Chandler: Maybe I could give thanks by taking my Playstation over to my new apartment.
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers, Phoebe enters with a paper turkey.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Gary and Chandler and Monica are all there.]
Monica: Dad [kisses Jack], Mom [kisses Judy]. Look! Look who it is its Chandler!
(They turn back around to see the baby Monica's carrying, but then they realise what the surprise is. Ross, Mike, Phoebe and Rachel gasp and stare at Chandler and his baby. Joey hasn't figured it out yet.)
Chandler: You got the lead in a movie? That's amazing! What's the movie about?!
Mrs. Geller: (less than pleased) Oh yes of course, hello Chandler.
Chandler: Uh, could you leave me one?
Chandler: Whoa, snowing out there?
Chandler: Mr. and Mrs. Geller, you look wonderful, it is great to have you hear, let us take off your coats!
[Monica rushes over to Chandlers side.]
Rachel: Hey, yknow what? Youre the one who wants to make this big change and move in with Chandler! You should be the one to go! Why should I have to leave?!
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel at counter, Phoebe, Chandler, and Fun Bobby at the couch.]
Monica: Dad, Chandler was just laughing at your joke.
Chandler: (coming all the way in) Listen, I just wanted to apologize about this afternoon and the whole massage thing. Y'know? I-I really like 'em.
[Chandler, trying to make nice with Jack, laughs at his joke and points at Jack.]
Chandler: Yeah.
Chandler: Oh yeah, and what would my opening line be? 'Excuse me. Blarrglarrghh.'
Chandler: No I-I-Im fine.
Chandler: Ba dum bumb cheshhh!
Monica: Yknow dad, Chandler is one of Rosss very best friends!
[Chandler and Monica exchange worried looks.]
Chandler: Defend yourself.
Joey: Yeah, Chandler finds me so intimdating that its better if were on the same team.
Chandler: Well, I like danger.
Joey: (turning to Chandler in a scolding tone) Chandler!
Chandler: Oh, I am no women, but that is one tasty dish. (Phoebe walks in.)
Chandler: Well, if you're gonna work for mechanics, those are the ones to work for.
Monica: Mom, uh, Chandler was just saying how beautiful your sweater is.
Mrs. Geller: Oh, thank you Chandler! I just bought it.
Chandler: (shocked) What?
[Ross and Chandler get up and go into Rachels old room.]
Richard: (approaching them with a woman in tow) Monica! Chandler!
Chandler: How could it not matter?!
Chandler: What?! Why did you do that?
Chandler: You do? Why?
[Cut back to Monica and Chandler telling Phoebe and Joey the story.]
Doug: (entering) Uh, I gotta apologize for Kara's coffee. Y'know, I feel sorry for it if it ever got in a fight, it's not strong enough to defend itself. (Chandler does not laugh.) Did you hear what I said Bing?
Ross: Okay, okay, Ill tell em it wasnt Chandler who got high. Now who should I say it was?
Chandler: The reason we havent told them were together is because they hate me, okay? So will you fix this?
Chandler: Okay! Okay! Everybody down! Everybody down! (Rachel turns off the lights and everyone crouches. As everyone crouches, a ripping noise erupts from the assemblage.)
Monica: Chandler come on. We have to hem the new dust ruffle.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is showing off the entertainment center.]
[Monica and Chandler make What was that? gestures. Joey and Ross go into Rachels old room.]
Chandler: I'm sor... Just go. Just go. I can't, I can't.
Chandler: Yeah, Im not gonna pay for those acting classes anymore.
Ross: Look Chandler, Monica is really weird about this kind stuff all right. Believe me, I lived with her for 16 years. She is going to freak out. Oh my God, she's going to sit on you.
Phoebe: No Chandler, they can swallow one of those little parts! And also, look at his smooth area, thats just gonna mess them up.
Chandler: Janices birthday is coming up, I want to get her something speacial. Come in here with me.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is telling Chandler and Monica how she fought crime in her own way with the badge she found.]
Chandler: Uhh, yeah. She uh, she uh, she uh might've mentioned him.
Joey: Oh (To Chandler) Can you imagine if I hadnt left you that last one? You two mightve never gotten together. Ooh-ooh! Could you imagine if I sent that hooker up to the room like I was gonna?! Its like it was in the stars!
[Chandler exits to the balcony.]
Chandler: No problem roomie. (She turns around and hugs him.)
Ross: Wha? No no! Ah! (Ross scarfs all of his trifle down in about a second. He looks like hes going to throw up.) (Lying) All gone! So good! Maybe Chandler has some left.
[Chandler makes a fake "I know I couldnt believe it either" gesture.]
Chandler: All right, just, just take the entertainment center, and then when you get home, throw the canoe away!
[Inside Monica and Chandlers. Joey is almost done explaining the situation to everyone.]
Chandler: Look I'm very glad that you saved Ross from the car backfire, but y'know, it could've been a bullet and you y'know, you didn't try to save me!
Ross: Well I told you it was Chandler who was smoking the pot but it was me. Im sorry.
Chandler: Ye-ye-yeah, yes I do!
Mr. and Mrs. Geller: Yes. (They look at Chandler angrily.)
Ross: Monica and Chandler are living together!
[Chandler is mega shocked!]
Chandler: Thank you!
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers, Everyone is helping clean the table.]
Mr. Geller: No! Thank you! (Hugs Chandler) Monica, and Ross! I dont know what Im gonna do about the two of you!
Chandler: See now it feels like Christmas!
Chandler: I need you to come to this bachelor party for my weird cousin Albert, y'know he's the botanist.
Chandler: I dunno what it is, it just doesnt quite feel like Christmas to me.
Chandler: Hey Joe whats up?
Chandler: I can see why thats hard to resist.
Chandler: Ah, youre still just a little fat girl inside arent you? (He kisses her on the cheek)
Chandler: What, what are you laughing at?