words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler, Rachel, and Joey are there as Ross enters.]
Chandler: Ahh, Hotties of the Paleontology Department, theres a big selling calendar, eh?
Chandler: A hot girls at stake and all of the sudden hes Rain Man.
Chandler: Oh, is that against the rules?
Chandler: I see.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler are eating breakfast as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey Chandler! Yknow that girl you went to college with who-who became a movie director?
Chandler: Oh yeah, Dana Keystone. She was in my Movement class.
Monica: Its Chandlers way of pretending he didnt take mime.
Chandler: Oh, I dont know man. I havent talked to her in like ten years.
Joey: No-no-no, please-please Chandler I-I-I would owe you so much!
Chandler: You do owe me so much. You owe me three thousand, four hundred
Chandler: Oh okay, Ill-Ill try.
Chandler: Yeah so, Tuesday?
Chandler: (sarcastically) Thank you.
Chandler: You just thought of that in there?
Monica: Come on! (The girls all run out and Joey holds up Chandler by smiling.)
Chandler: What are you smiling about? What is so funny?
Monica: Joey! Hes working! (To Chandler) You would look good in that.
Chandler: Hows your room Rach?
Chandler: Have you figured out what started the fire Mr. Fireman?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is on the phone as Joey enters.]
Chandler: God, its great to catch up! I cant believe how long its been!
Joey: Chandler, is that (Mimes someone using a movie camera and Chandler nods yes.)
Chandler: (on phone) Oh thats great! Good for you.
Joey: Hey-hey listen (Chandler waves him away.)
Chandler: Okay! So yeah, maybe we can get together umm (Joey mimes throwing something in the air, catching it, rolling it out, putting it in an oven and cutting it.) Can you hold for one second please? (To Joey) What?!
Chandler: (on phone) Hi! Im back. (Goes to hang up the phone.) Yeah, that sounds great. (Listens) Okay. Well, well do it then. (Listens) Okay, bye-bye. (He hangs up the phone and turns around to see Joey standing close to him and screams.)
Chandler: Hi.
Chandler: (To Joey) We didnt get to the audition. Im gonna take her to coffee and then well do it then.
Chandler: Honey, it is not a date! I havent talked to her in ten years! You cant just call up somebody you havent talked to in ten years and ask them for a favor. There are rules, yknow? You gotta, you got to put in some time.
Chandler: No, we only went out once.
Chandler: Not once!
Joey: Hey, you wanna do Joey a favor, maybe you go out with Joey. (He turns around to see Chandler glaring at him.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is having coffee with Dana.]
Chandler: (laughs) Oh thats great, my friend Joeys in the movie business.
Chandler: (giggles) My friends name is Joey.
Chandler: Yeah, Ive always hated that Howie.
Chandler: The nerve huh?
Chandler: Refill?
Chandler: (entering) Hey.
Chandler: I couldnt do it.
Chandler: Hey, relax I just need more time. Were going to dinner tonight.
Chandler: Uh, Dana Keystone from college.
Chandler: No, that was Dana Caplin.
[Scene: A Restaurant, Chandler is having dinner with Dana.]
Chandler: Great story again! The yarns that you weave! Woo-hoo-hoo!
Chandler: Oh no-no-no! Stay! Stay! Because you-you should you-you-you should stay!
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, thats notNo-no-no!
Dana: Im sorry Chandler, yknow you are such a sweet guy and I, I dont want to hurt you. Oh, I wish there was something I can do to make you feel better.
Chandler: No-noReally?!
Chandler: (breaking up) Well, it just hurts so bad. I uh
Chandler: Well maybe there is one thing you can do.
Chandler: Well, I umm, I mean this is just off the top of my head now, umm but I have this friend. This actor friend and he would kill me if he thought I was doing this umm, but umm would it be possible for him to get an audition for your movie say on Thursday?
Chandler: Well, the heart wants what it wants. Ill see you later. (He runs off and leaves her with the bill, which the waiter promptly delivers.)
Chandler: (entering, sees Rachels throw) Ni-hi-ice!
Chandler: (To Joey) So, you busy Thursday?
Joey: Oh, very funny. I dont know if you remember, but my audition was supposed to be Thursday. (Chandler doesnt say anything until Joey figures it out.) You got me the audition?! Lets hug it up! (They hug.)
Chandler: Okay. Okay. (Joey puts him down.) What are you gonna do to me if you get the part?
Phoebe: Okay. Oh umm, Chandler, Monica is looking for you.
Chandler: Really?
Chandler: No! No! No! I was so careful! (Runs out.)
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey is eating pizza as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey!
Chandler: So?!
Chandler: Its Thursday! How was the audition?!
Joey: Wh? Monday, one day. Tuesday, two day. Wednesday, when huh what? Thurs(He gasps in horror.) Oh! (Runs out and Chandler just shakes his head. After a second Joey runs back in to grab a piece of pizza and runs back out.)
Joey: (shocked) Dah!! (Chandler motions for him to calm down.)
[Flashback, year 1987. Chandler enters the school's corridor. Ross is hanging some flyers on the wall. Both have a funny 80s hair and clothes.]
Missy: Well, Chandler and I used to make out! A lot!
Ross: Oh, well, uh, this is gonna sound kinda silly, but, do you remember my roommate Chandler Bing?
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is coaching Chandler on how to break up with Janice.]
Chandler: Ross, that was 16 years ago!
(Chandler looks at the other two guys, embarrassed)
Chandler: Oh really?
Chandler: Oh really!?
Chandler: I believe the foundation of our friendship was unfortunate hair. (Ross just stares at him) All right, look, if we're really gonna do this... it's not like you never broke one of the pacts.
Chandler: Oh please, and you knew how much I liked her.
Chandler and Ross: Hey! Hey Adrienne. (They move away from her)
Chandler: (to the two guys) Excuse me. (Chandler and Ross move away from them). That didn't make us sound gay at all!
Chandler: Really?
Rachel: I know. But if some guy who looks like Corey Haim wants to kiss me tonight, I'm sooo gonna let them! (They spot Chandler)
Chandler: Aren't you...?
Monica: Look, there's Chandler. You knew, that stupid friend of Ross'. Said I'm fat. You know I've already lost 4 pounds!
Chandler: Hi Monica.
Chandler: (smiling at Monica) Right. (to Rachel) So how're you doing?
(Cut to Chandler. He's walking around looking for Ross. He sees him kissing a girl next to a vending machine)
Chandler: O-kay. I'll see if I can find Ross. (Goes off to find Ross.)
Ross: Cool! (They start kissing again and Chandler looks shocked)
[Scene: We cut back to the present. The reunion where Chandler and Ross are talking.]
Chandler: Not her!
Chandler: Soo... you girls having fun?
Chandler: Nude... (Ross looks at him)... pictures of Anna Kournikova. I'm so sorry.
Chandler: So where are you applying to?
Chandler: Well maybe if you go to school here next year we can totally hang out.
Ross: Yeah, the phone was facing the other way. (Chandler fixes it and a picture frame off the table.) And that goes back up there.
Chandler: All right, I'd say we make a pact. Neither of us will go out with Missy Goldberg.
Rachel: Oh well, You know, I think it's kinda really important that I go somewhere where there's sun, so I'm sort of... (Chandler leans in an kisses her) (She pulls away) Hey!
Chandler: Yeah, I don't know why we hang out with married couples more often.
Chandler: (sighs) Just one more thing. I was so pissed at you that night that I wanted to get back at you. So I thought, who does Ross like the more than anybody?
Ross: Did you know Chandler kissed Rachel?
Chandler: Why?
Chandler: Well, maybe you can get in on a beauty scholarship.
Joey: Girls Chandler could never get?
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. Monica's there and Ross and Chandler walk in.]
Chandler: You kissed her that night too?
Chandler: Seriously, where did this happen?
Chandler: Is it me, or have the greetings gone downhill around here?
Chandler: Yeah, but it was like a million years ago, so it doesn't matter.
Chandler: I'm pretty sure I put her on my bed.
Chandler: Oh wait... What bed did you say she was on?
Monica: YES! (Chandler gets an "oh no!" look on his face)
Chandler: Why would I kiss a girl, and then put her on your bed?
Chandler: What did I marry into?
Chandler: Maybe we finish this for him! (he sits down on the sofa and he start typing on Ross' computer) "Also I cloned a dinosaur in my lab. She's now my girlfriend. I don't care what society says. It's the best sex I've ever had"... aaand SEND!
Chandler: Wish I could switch with someone. I really don't wanna sit with Allen Iverson over there.
Chandler: No stupid jokes. I thought that was for the actual wedding.
Chandler: Hey!
(cut to Ross, Chandler and Rachel)
Chandler: (to Rachel) You know what I just realized? We have no idea what we're doing in the wedding tomorrow.
Chandler: Heh.
Chandler: Thank you.
Ross: What? (Ross and Chandler don't know what to say, so there's an embarrassing long pause)
Chandler: What happened?
[Scene: Class of '91 reunion. Ross is walking angrily towards Chandler, who is talking to two other guys.]
(Ross spots Chandler and starts chasing him around the kitchen table. Chandler runs and hides behind Monica.)
Chandler: I know, I hate being left out of things.
Chandler: Fine. We're just sitting here. Alone. Doing nothing. It's our rehearsal for tomorrow.
Chandler: Pick me, I look great in a tux and I will not steal focus.
Chandler: Oh, I will. But I will need a mirror... as he is me!
Ross: (to Chandler) Well, if Phoebe's choosing, then say hello to Mike's next groomsman.
(Cut to Chandler and Ross. Phoebe comes out of the ladies room and they run toward her.)
Chandler: (almost crying) I wouldn't know, I didn't make it! (they hug)
Chandler: Mike didn't tell you? You have to chose one of us to be in your wedding. One of his groomsmen fell out.
Chandler: No, Im not mocking you, (in a mocking voice) or you beautiful guest room. (Exits.)
Mike: Is that what you say to Chandler?
Chandler: Did I? Let's refresh. I believe what I said was that I could see your scalp.
Chandler: (Picks up the "Miss Congeniality" DVD) She's an FBI agent, posing as a beauty contestant.
Phoebe: YOU'RE FIRED! (mimes the CUT again) (pause and she raises her glass) Cheers! (Chandler raises his, smiling and Monica stares at him and he puts down his glass.)
Rachel: Well, Chandler said that it's really important to him too!
Chandler: By the way, that fight was totally arousing.
Ross: Listen, listen. Whoever you pick is gonna walk down the aisle with you! Now, I promise I won't say a word, but if you pick Chandler he's gonna be whispering stupid jokes in your ear the whole time!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Chandler is pacing and Rachel walks in.]
Chandler: (To Monica) Wow! Listen, we had a good run. You know, what was it? Four? Five months? I mean, that's more than most people have in a lifetime! So, good-bye, take care, bye-bye then! (He kisses her and starts to climb out the balcony window)
Chandler: How's it going?
Chandler: You too.
Chandler: You told us both we could be in the wedding? (they both stare at Rachel)
Chandler: I'm not supposed to tell you.
Chandler: (smiling to himself too) That's what I was doing too.
Chandler: Me too.
Chandler: Rach, Rach, knock knock.
(They walk passed each other, Ross towards the door, Chandler towards the counter, suddenly they turn around to face each other)
Chandler: I'll tell you at the wedding.
(Ross and Chandler look shocked)
Chandler: Well, it's just with uhm, work and the stress of adoption, we just don't feel like we have the energy. Plus, we don't think it's fair that every year the burden falls on us.
(Chandler lets her into the apartment and reveals that Monica is getting a massage from another woman.)
Chandler and Ross: I'll do it!
Chandler: So technically, would this person be in the wedding?
Ross: No, but Chandler, hello... Aren't you scared of dogs?
Chandler: I'm not scared. (moves towards Mike and Chappy) I'll just take little Chappy and... (he backs out) HE CAN SENSE MY FEAR. MY THROAT IS EXPOSED.
Chandler: (quickly) I'll do it.
Phoebe: Oh, okay. Hi new dad. (Chandler waves)
Monica: Okay, Mike and Joey, get in position. Chandler, come with me. (they walk off, Ross looks down to Chappy, who he's holding and he gets a whiff of the dog's smell. He is clearly disgusted by it.)
Chandler: Oh yeah! (Monica walks outside)
Chandler: (to Monica) Is it okay that I want you to wear that head set in bed tonight?
(Cut to inside Central Perk where Rachel is helping Phoebe. Chandler and Monica enter.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joeys Bathroom: Chandler is watching the duck swim in the bathtub.]