words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler, Rachel, and Joey are there as Ross enters.]
Chandler: Ahh, Hotties of the Paleontology Department, theres a big selling calendar, eh?
Chandler: A hot girls at stake and all of the sudden hes Rain Man.
Chandler: Oh, is that against the rules?
Chandler: I see.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler are eating breakfast as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey Chandler! Yknow that girl you went to college with who-who became a movie director?
Chandler: Oh yeah, Dana Keystone. She was in my Movement class.
Monica: Its Chandlers way of pretending he didnt take mime.
Chandler: Oh, I dont know man. I havent talked to her in like ten years.
Joey: No-no-no, please-please Chandler I-I-I would owe you so much!
Chandler: You do owe me so much. You owe me three thousand, four hundred
Chandler: Oh okay, Ill-Ill try.
Chandler: Yeah so, Tuesday?
Chandler: (sarcastically) Thank you.
Chandler: You just thought of that in there?
Monica: Come on! (The girls all run out and Joey holds up Chandler by smiling.)
Chandler: What are you smiling about? What is so funny?
Monica: Joey! Hes working! (To Chandler) You would look good in that.
Chandler: Hows your room Rach?
Chandler: Have you figured out what started the fire Mr. Fireman?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is on the phone as Joey enters.]
Chandler: God, its great to catch up! I cant believe how long its been!
Joey: Chandler, is that (Mimes someone using a movie camera and Chandler nods yes.)
Chandler: (on phone) Oh thats great! Good for you.
Joey: Hey-hey listen (Chandler waves him away.)
Chandler: Okay! So yeah, maybe we can get together umm (Joey mimes throwing something in the air, catching it, rolling it out, putting it in an oven and cutting it.) Can you hold for one second please? (To Joey) What?!
Chandler: (on phone) Hi! Im back. (Goes to hang up the phone.) Yeah, that sounds great. (Listens) Okay. Well, well do it then. (Listens) Okay, bye-bye. (He hangs up the phone and turns around to see Joey standing close to him and screams.)
Chandler: Hi.
Chandler: (To Joey) We didnt get to the audition. Im gonna take her to coffee and then well do it then.
Chandler: Honey, it is not a date! I havent talked to her in ten years! You cant just call up somebody you havent talked to in ten years and ask them for a favor. There are rules, yknow? You gotta, you got to put in some time.
Chandler: No, we only went out once.
Chandler: Not once!
Joey: Hey, you wanna do Joey a favor, maybe you go out with Joey. (He turns around to see Chandler glaring at him.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is having coffee with Dana.]
Chandler: (laughs) Oh thats great, my friend Joeys in the movie business.
Chandler: (giggles) My friends name is Joey.
Chandler: Yeah, Ive always hated that Howie.
Chandler: The nerve huh?
Chandler: Refill?
Chandler: (entering) Hey.
Chandler: I couldnt do it.
Chandler: Hey, relax I just need more time. Were going to dinner tonight.
Chandler: Uh, Dana Keystone from college.
Chandler: No, that was Dana Caplin.
[Scene: A Restaurant, Chandler is having dinner with Dana.]
Chandler: Great story again! The yarns that you weave! Woo-hoo-hoo!
Chandler: Oh no-no-no! Stay! Stay! Because you-you should you-you-you should stay!
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, thats notNo-no-no!
Dana: Im sorry Chandler, yknow you are such a sweet guy and I, I dont want to hurt you. Oh, I wish there was something I can do to make you feel better.
Chandler: No-noReally?!
Chandler: (breaking up) Well, it just hurts so bad. I uh
Chandler: Well maybe there is one thing you can do.
Chandler: Well, I umm, I mean this is just off the top of my head now, umm but I have this friend. This actor friend and he would kill me if he thought I was doing this umm, but umm would it be possible for him to get an audition for your movie say on Thursday?
Chandler: Well, the heart wants what it wants. Ill see you later. (He runs off and leaves her with the bill, which the waiter promptly delivers.)
Chandler: (entering, sees Rachels throw) Ni-hi-ice!
Chandler: (To Joey) So, you busy Thursday?
Joey: Oh, very funny. I dont know if you remember, but my audition was supposed to be Thursday. (Chandler doesnt say anything until Joey figures it out.) You got me the audition?! Lets hug it up! (They hug.)
Chandler: Okay. Okay. (Joey puts him down.) What are you gonna do to me if you get the part?
Phoebe: Okay. Oh umm, Chandler, Monica is looking for you.
Chandler: Really?
Chandler: No! No! No! I was so careful! (Runs out.)
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey is eating pizza as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey!
Chandler: So?!
Chandler: Its Thursday! How was the audition?!
Joey: Wh? Monday, one day. Tuesday, two day. Wednesday, when huh what? Thurs(He gasps in horror.) Oh! (Runs out and Chandler just shakes his head. After a second Joey runs back in to grab a piece of pizza and runs back out.)
Chandler: Well, what if all my stuff was here?
Chandler: Okay. What if we lived together and you understand what Im saying?
Chandler: Oh my God.
Monica: Chandler In all my life I never thought I would be so lucky. (Starting to cry.) As to fall in love with my best my best Theres a reason why girls dont do this!
Joey: Look, Chandler I dont think us getting our asses kicked is a solution. Okay? Just go and find Monica!
Chandler: I've had a very long, hard day.
Chandler: (motioning with his hands) Im not worried, Im uh, Im fascinated. Yknow its like uh, Biology! Which is funny because in high school I uh, I-I failed Biology and tonight Biology failed me. (Exits as Phoebe enters from her room with her guitar.)
Chandler: Hey Joe!
Chandler: Ahh, no thanks. No chicken, bye-bye then.
Chandler: Are you okay? I'm so sorry, he wouldn't leave. He kept asking me about chicken.
[Scene: Ralph Lauren, Rachel is hooking Chandler up with another tuxedo.]
Chandler: No-no-no-no-no! You can't!
Chandler: It happened in London.
Chandler: Can you people not see me?! (He waves his arms around to get their attention.)
Phoebe: CHANDLER AND MONICA!!!!
[Cut to Phoebe in Rosss new apartment looking at Monica and Chandler and what theyre about to do in The One Where Everybody Finds Out.]
[Cut to later in that episode in Central Perk, a meeting with Phoebe, Rachel, and Joey where they discuss Chandler and Monica.]
Chandler: Okay, so now do you believe that she's attracted to me?
Phoebe: Bye Chandler! (She walks up to him.) (Quietly.) I miss you already. (She pinches his butt.)
[Cut to later in that episode. Phoebe is telling Rachel in Monica and Chandlers that Chandler wants to make a date with Phoebe.]
Chandler: Phoebe knows about us!
Chandler: An invitation for the At First Sight premiere? Oh my God! Val Kilmer didnt wear this in Batman! He wore it to the premiere of some tooty-fruity love story where he played a blind guy!
Chandler: Listen, this is totally getting out of hand! Okay? She wants me to put lotion on her!
[Cut to later in that episode. Chandler is in his bathroom with Monica, and hes panicking on how far Phoebe is pushing him.]
Chandler: Oh, you're-you're going?
Chandler: Okay, give me a second! (Pause) Did you clean up in here?
Rachel: Joey look, just look at it this way, the sooner Phoebe breaks Chandler the sooner this is all over and out in the open.
Chandler: Well, I guess there's nothing left for us to do but-but kiss.
Chandler: Not if I kiss you first.
Chandler: (swallowing hard) It's very, very nice. Well, come here. I'm very happy were gonna have all the sex.
Chandler: Love her! That's right, I LOVE HER!!! I love her!! (They walk together and hug.) I love you, Monica.
Chandler: Okay! Okay! Okay! You win! You win!! I can't have sex with ya!
Chandler: Because I'm in love with Monica!!
Monica: I love you too Chandler. (They kiss.)
Chandler: Yes, and we'd appreciate it if no one told him yet.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's. Ross lays a lot off small papers, shaped like the U.S. states onto the floor making a map with the states. Phoebe enters]
Chandler: Who are those people?
Chandler: Whats going on?
Monica: Yeah, I dont hear Chandlers and he doesnt hear mine.
Chandler: So we both finished our vows.
(They spilt into their sexes and the girls read Monicas and the guys read Chandlers. The girls gasp and groan and the guys laugh hysterically.
Monica: Chandler!!
Ross: (To Chandler) Oh man, this is hilarious.
Chandler: Dont worry honey, well make yours funnier.
Joey: (To Chandler) (laughing) Funny one! Thats good!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Ross and Joey are reading Chandlers new vows.]
Chandler: You really like it?
Chandler: I stole Monicas and changed the name.
Chandler: Joey's a sex addict.
Chandler: Well, I thought you guys were cuddlily sleepers.
Chandler: Oh yes, somebody just said, "Can you hear anything?"
Chandler: I dont even know the man. Okay? Were not the close. I havent seen him in years.
Monica: Chandler! Hes your father; he should be at the wedding.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Phoebe are counting the invitations as Chandler exits from the bathroom.]
Chandler: (entering in a Santa costume) Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
Chandler: Oh! Right. Umm, maybe thats because I didnt send him an invitation.
Chandler: Well he doesnt have to know! Its not like we run in the same circles. I hang out with you guys, and he stars in a drag show in Vegas.
Chandler: No, we'll-we'll bring it back! Just put it under your dress.
Chandler: OH MY GAWD! I am so sorry sweetie, are you okay? You didnt tell her we were getting married, did you?
Chandler: (angrily) Well next time ask! Or at least wait for me to ask! (He storms out.)
Chandler: Whats this?
Chandler: Are you serious?! I mean like eloping?! No more stupid wedding stuff?! No more these flowers or these flowers or these flowersThink of the money well save!! (Monica just looks at him.) Were not eloping. I love the flowers. Can our wedding be bigger please?
Monica: (Comes up for below the covers and looks concerned.) Do you think he knew I was here? (Chandler quickly looks at Monica not knowing what to say.)
Chandler: Look forget it okay? I dont want to go. I dont want to see him. I dont wanna.
Monica: Chandler, look I-I know that your dad embarrassed you. I know
Chandler: Yknow we already went over this and I won!
Chandler: Does it matter?!
Chandler: Oh, its not just that, I would be Englands most powerful weapon. Jet setting heartbreaker on her majestys secret service. A man who fears no one; with a license to kill. (Worried.) Would Monica let me wear this?
Chandler: So I really never get to win anymore?
Monica: Chandler, youre not fourteen anymore. Okay? Maybe its time that you let that stuff go. If your fathers not at your wedding youre gonna regret it for the rest of your life.
[Scene: The Restaurant, Monica and Chandlers and Richard and Lisas tables have been pushed together and theyre all eating and talking.]
Chandler: I was not staring at her. Okay? I was just listening intently. Its called being a good conversationalist. Watch. (Stares at Monicas eyes.) Say something.
Monica: Joey, I think you should consider something a little less risky. I mean, I think in this market, real estate is your best investment.The Fed. just lowered the rates and the interest on your mortgage is totally deductible. (looks at Chandler) That's right, I know some stuff!
Monica: (To Chandler) How does that laugh not give you a headache?
Chandler: Ohh, umm, y'know what, I already ate.
Monica: Uh oh yeah, she did. Uh, he did. (To Chandler) She? (To the waiter) Im-Im sorry Im new. I dont
Waiter in Drag: (To Chandler) Hm-mmm?
Chandler: Oh, okay, thanks. (He goes back to the couch and rejoins Monica, Joey, and Phoebe.)
A Waiter in Drag: (to Chandler and Monica) Has someone taken your order yet?
Chandler: No! No! I dont want him to know were yet! Im not sure Im ready for that. And besides hes not gonna be too happy to see me either.
Rachel: Here we go. Im serving my last cup of coffee. (the gang starts humming the graduation theme) There you go. (hands it to Chandler) Enjoy. (they all cheer)
[Scene: Richard's apartment. There's a knock on the door.The listing agent opens the door for Chandler and Joey.]
Chandler: And theres daddy!
Chandler: I dont know if Ive told you this, but hes kinda tried to get in contact with me a lot over the last few years
Chandler: Believe me, Ive been saying that for years. Oh my God!
Chandler: Thats Mr. Girabaldi playing the piano.
Chandler: Hes coming into the audience. Hes coming into the audience.
Monica: Relax! Youll be fine. (Chandler exhales and turns off the table light.) Oh much better. Youre invisible now.
Joey: Hi I'm Joey. This is Chandler.
Chandler: It cant happen like this. Okay? Ill meet you back at the hotel.
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler is returning from work to see the hallway jammed full of people waiting outside their door.]
Helena: Chandler? What an unusual name! You mustve had terribly fascinating parents.
Chandler: Oh, theyre a hoot.
Chandler: I know it would make me happy, maam.
Monica: (looks at Chandler) In in two weeks.
Chandler: Wait! Wait! Wed really love it if you could be there.
Monica: (To Chandler) You okay?
Chandler: Yeah. Thanks for making me do this.
Chandler: Actually Monica and I are engaged.
Monica: Damnit! Yknow this whole time we were concentrating on watching the babies and, and no one was watching Chandler! (He does it again.)