words in movies
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Chandler are there. They have lots of brochures about adoption in front of them.]
Chandler: There's a hair in my coffee.
Chandler: You know, it's funny. Every time you say "triplets," I immediately think of three hot blonde 19-year olds.
(Chandler looks like he did the time he swallowed the toy in 605 TOW Joey's Porsche. It's the hair in his coffee.)
(Little Chandler is pulling Chandler's sweater, while Leslie is throwing bagels at him.)
Frank Jr.: Oh, that's Frank Jr. Jr. pulling the tampons out of the lady's purse. And that's Chandler climbing on Chandler, and that's Leslie throwing bagels at him.
[Scene: Bill and Colleen's apartment. Chandler and Monica enter.]
Chandler: So, a lot of malfunctioning wee-wees and hoo-hoos in this room, huh?
Chandler: I mean, you have a lovely home.
Monica: Thank you. (To Chandler.) I think I just had a tiny orgasm.
Chandler: That's great. (To Monica.) Can I see the book?
Chandler: You want me to wash my hands first, don't you?
(Chandler leaves.)
(Cut to the hall. Owen is wearing his scout-uniform and is looking through a box when Chandler walks up to him.)
Chandler: Hey, you must be Owen.
Chandler: I'm Chandler. Hey, I was in the scouts too.
Chandler: Yeah, in fact my father was a den-mother.
Chandler: You know how to use a compass?
Chandler: You do? That's fantastic!
Chandler: I'd love to, but I gotta get back to talking to your parents. They're telling us all about how they adopted you.
Chandler: What?
(Chandler tries to come up with a good answer.)
Chandler: I got nothing.
Phoebe: Alright, so that leaves Chandler.
Frank Jr.: Oh, no, no, you can't have Chandler, no. No, no. She's my little genius. I got big hopes for her. She's gonna be a doctor or a realtor..
[Scene: Bill and Colleen's apartment. Chandler comes running into the living room. Monica is the only one there.]
Chandler: Where are Bill and Colleen?
Chandler: We have to leave!!
Chandler: I didn't get to the bathroom. I bumped into Owen on the way, and he didn't know he was adopted. And there's a slight chance I may have told him.
Chandler: But kids are so intuitive. Don't you think on some level he already knows?
Chandler: See? Intuitive!
Chandler: Which technically now you should give back!
Chandler: I'm so sorry, but you should have a sign out there or something. Or at least whisper it to people when they come in the door. "Owen doesn't know he's adopted, and he also thinks that Santa is real."
Chandler (to Monica): We have to get out of here, baby!
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Chandler enter to find Phoebe there with the triplets.]
Chandler: Owen didn't know he was adopted, and Monica told him.
Chandler: Yeah, but how would you like it if someone told the triplets that you gave birth to them?
Chandler: I'm gonna go tell Emma she was an accident. (Runs off.)
Chandler: Look you dont understand, Gandolf is amazing. Yknow youre never know whats gonna end up happening, you go out for a couple of beers and end up on a fishing boat to Nova Scotia!
Chandler: Well, close to (Notices Rachel leaning in to hear and decides to write it on a piece of paper and hand it to Monica as Phoebe averts her eyes.)
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Joey is telling Ross how he didn't get the part.]
Chandler: Oh-oh, I'm a duck! I go, "Quack, quack!" Im happy all the time!
Chandler: Why?
Chandler: You wanna play?
Chandler: Okay, I'll stop.
Chandler: Scared me out of ever wanting to live with him.
Chandler: Of course!
(Chandler makes it into the bowl.)
Chandler: Yes! Chandler Bing, 7! Chandler Bing, 0.
Chandler: I'm intrigued.
Chandler: Well, so, play for the next 30 minutes and then write until he gets home.
Rachel: What do you get? (She throws her pom-poms to Joey and Phoebe and performs a cartwheel.) Emily!! (Tries to do another one.) EmilWhoa!! (She falls in Chandlers room.) Okay! So thats me as a cheerleader! Ta-dum! (Gunthers the only one that claps.)
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Ross is reading what Joey wrote.]
Rachel: Ohh, gosh. You guys, come on, this isI have to meet Joshua! This is my one chance for him to see the fun Rachel. Yknow the "Wouldnt it be great if she was my wife" Rachel. Ohh, all right! Are Joey and Chandler back?
Chandler: Okay!
(Rachel goes into her room and closes the door. Which allows Monica to let Chandler out of her room.)
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Ross is cleaning the foosball table, Joey is working on his script.]
Chandler: (entering from his bedroom) Guys, come on! Let's go! The puck drops in 20 minutes! Come on, Joe!
Joey: (To Chandler) I didn't finish my five pages.
Chandler: Well, why can't you do them tomorrow?
Chandler: I paid for those tickets!
(Ross leans in and kisses her. They both look at each other for a moment, and then embrace in a more passionate kiss, only to be interrupted by Joey and Chandler coming outside.)
Chandler: Night-night.....Janice. (he starts thinking to him self) 'Look at all that room on her side, you good fit a giant penguin over there. That would be weird though. Okay, hug and roll time. I'm huggin', I'm huggin', your rollin', and....yes! Freedom! (his one arm is still under her) Except for this arm! I'm stuck. Stuck arm! Okay, time for the old table cloth trick, one fluid motion. Quick like a cat, quick like a cat! And 1...2...3!' (Pulls his arm out from under her and she is spun off of the bed.)
Chandler: When did that happen to you?!
Chandler: Oh my God! Someones killed Square Man!
Chandler: Oh yeah! (Makes an unintelligible taunting sound.)
Chandler: Oh yes! Bye Bye Birdie, starring Joseph Stalin. Joseph Stalin is the Fiddler on the Roof.
Chandler: Okay, bye! (To the gang.) Oh my God!!
Chandler: I don't believe they're brother and sister.
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Ross is there as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: What is up?
Chandler: I am sorry, Ross.
Chandler: No, it was me. I'm sorry. I over reacted.
Chandler: (To Ross) I'm sorry too.
(Ross and Chandler start to read Joey's script aloud.)
Ross: (reading from the script.) I am sorry, Chandler.
Chandler: Could I be more sorry. (Looks at Joey.)
Chandler: This took you all day?!
Chandler: (deadpan, standing next to Monica) We're very happy for you.
Chandler: Oh thats so sweet! I want to show you something too!
Chandler: We wanted to kiss at midnight, but nobody else is going to so y'know
Joey: Come on, Chandler, Ross is our friend. He needs us right now, so why don't you be a grown up and come and watch some TV in the fort!
Joey: Chandler.
Chandler: (banging on the bottle again) Okay, okay, a little announcement, I just want everyone to know that the position of my best man is still open! And uh, (to the stripper) so is the position of the bride.
Joey: So? Who would you rather have kiss you, me or Chandler?
Chandler: Do you want us to leave the room, or?
Chandler: (To Monica) Happy New Year!
Chandler: I'll take that bet my friend. And you know what, paying me the 50 bucks could be the "new thing you do that day!" (Ross looks at him.) And it starts right now!
[Scene: Atlantic City, New Jersey, Chandler and Monica are about to start their weekend of sex, sex, nothing but sex.]
(Both Joey and Chandler and Monica and Rachel jump up and down for joy.)
Chandler: Yknow? So I was thinking that we could get one of those signs and hang it over our bed. Because, thats you and I together! Merge!
Chandler and Joey: Hey!
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is talking to a beautiful woman as Chandler and Joey enter.]
Chandler: Nice!
Ross: Okay! (She leaves.) (To Chandler and Joey.) Hey!
Joey: You all right Chandler? Is there something funny about that name?
Phoebe: Hornswoggle? (To Chandler) Ooh, this must be killing you.
Chandler: Nothing for you, you have Paolo. You don't have to face the horrible pressures of this holiday: desperate scramble to find anything with lips just so you can have someone to kiss when the ball drops!! Man, I'm talking loud!
Chandler: Really?!
Chandler: All right. (Takes a copy.)
Chandler: (Answering the phone at work) Hello, Chandler Bing.
Chandler: They have that on the napkins at the club.
Chandler: (notices something) Ross is wearing leather pants! Does nobody else see that Ross is wearing leather pants? (Pause, no one speaks.) Someone comment on the pants!
Chandler: Oh come on!! (Storms out.)
Chandler: We'll take a brief time out while Messier stops to look at some women's shoes.
Ross: (To Chandler) And shame on you! You should know better, Joey needs to work. (To Joey) Now come on!
Chandler: Y'know, I can't believe I'm getting my nails done! And you said it was gonna be fun! (pause) Which it kinda is. Also, you said there would be other guys here. There are no other guys here!
(Ross walks in, eating cotton candy. Monica nudges Chandler who hides the picture in his magazine. Ross sits down on the chair, he seems kinda out of it.)
Kim: (to Nancy) So we talked about the (Chandler sneaks closer to her cigarette) whole presentation yesterday at lunch (Closer) and he wondered if one person would be enough (Closer) to get a take on the trip (Still closer) and I said, "Yeah, absolutely!" (She's interrupted by Chandler who has reached his goal and takes a drag from her cancer stick.)
[Scene: Joeys bedroom, hes snoring again and Chandler is there to roll him over.]
Chandler: Really? What do you do? You just sit in there stewing in your own filth.
Chandler: Ahh, come on! Yknow whatyknow what, I think Im just gonna go home and call Kathy.
(Chandler sees that there is a gorgeous model inside the vestibule with him. He makes a gesture of quiet exuberance.)
Chandler: Oh my God!
[Scene: Chandler and Joeys, there is lumber all over the apartment]
Chandler: Oh yeah, me too. Y'know if this shirt is dirty. (Smells it.) Yep.
Chandler: Oh, come on! Its not like this is an everyday occurrence for me! I mean usually Im pretty much just in there by myself.
Chandler: And here is the bottle of wine for you to bring over tonight. (Hands it to him.) You were also going to buy Monica flowers but you couldnt afford it, because you paid dinner last night.
Chandler: No. No, I just think that maybe I-I'd heard it somewhere before. (Sits down rubbing his temple.)
Rachel: Chandler and Monica?!! Oh, this is unbelievable!! How long have you known?
Chandler: What an interesting approach to guitar instruction. Y'know some might find it amusing, I myself find it regular.
Joey: Sorry. Monica and Chandler are making love.
Chandler: Sorry man.
Chandler: I know, I can do this. (He takes her hand.)
Chandler: Oh, we had a lot of liquor left over from the Christmas party.
Chandler: Okay, here you go. (He deals out two cards each.) I have two queens, what do you have?
Chandler: No, sir.
Chandler: Oh, that was my work laugh.
Chandler: What?
Chandler: Okay.
Chandler: It was terrible. I fought with (Pause) my colleagues y'know, the entire time. Are you kidding with this? (Throws away another Rollo)
(Chandler does a fake laugh.)
Chandler: Hey! Everybody at work loved you last night!
Chandler: Okay, good luck with that. (Exits.)
Monica: Yeah. Umm, Chandler can I talk to you outside for a second?
Chandler: Let them win one.
Chandler: Okay, easy Martina. I think we should let them win the next game.
Chandler: You're not even giving them a chance!