words in movies
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Chandler are there. They have lots of brochures about adoption in front of them.]
Chandler: There's a hair in my coffee.
Chandler: You know, it's funny. Every time you say "triplets," I immediately think of three hot blonde 19-year olds.
(Chandler looks like he did the time he swallowed the toy in 605 TOW Joey's Porsche. It's the hair in his coffee.)
(Little Chandler is pulling Chandler's sweater, while Leslie is throwing bagels at him.)
Frank Jr.: Oh, that's Frank Jr. Jr. pulling the tampons out of the lady's purse. And that's Chandler climbing on Chandler, and that's Leslie throwing bagels at him.
[Scene: Bill and Colleen's apartment. Chandler and Monica enter.]
Chandler: So, a lot of malfunctioning wee-wees and hoo-hoos in this room, huh?
Chandler: I mean, you have a lovely home.
Monica: Thank you. (To Chandler.) I think I just had a tiny orgasm.
Chandler: That's great. (To Monica.) Can I see the book?
Chandler: You want me to wash my hands first, don't you?
(Chandler leaves.)
(Cut to the hall. Owen is wearing his scout-uniform and is looking through a box when Chandler walks up to him.)
Chandler: Hey, you must be Owen.
Chandler: I'm Chandler. Hey, I was in the scouts too.
Chandler: Yeah, in fact my father was a den-mother.
Chandler: You know how to use a compass?
Chandler: You do? That's fantastic!
Chandler: I'd love to, but I gotta get back to talking to your parents. They're telling us all about how they adopted you.
Chandler: What?
(Chandler tries to come up with a good answer.)
Chandler: I got nothing.
Phoebe: Alright, so that leaves Chandler.
Frank Jr.: Oh, no, no, you can't have Chandler, no. No, no. She's my little genius. I got big hopes for her. She's gonna be a doctor or a realtor..
[Scene: Bill and Colleen's apartment. Chandler comes running into the living room. Monica is the only one there.]
Chandler: Where are Bill and Colleen?
Chandler: We have to leave!!
Chandler: I didn't get to the bathroom. I bumped into Owen on the way, and he didn't know he was adopted. And there's a slight chance I may have told him.
Chandler: But kids are so intuitive. Don't you think on some level he already knows?
Chandler: See? Intuitive!
Chandler: Which technically now you should give back!
Chandler: I'm so sorry, but you should have a sign out there or something. Or at least whisper it to people when they come in the door. "Owen doesn't know he's adopted, and he also thinks that Santa is real."
Chandler (to Monica): We have to get out of here, baby!
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Chandler enter to find Phoebe there with the triplets.]
Chandler: Owen didn't know he was adopted, and Monica told him.
Chandler: Yeah, but how would you like it if someone told the triplets that you gave birth to them?
Chandler: I'm gonna go tell Emma she was an accident. (Runs off.)
[Scene: Library. Phoebe is getting ready to sing for the kids. Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.]
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Phoebe, and Chandler are sitting.]
CHANDLER: Hey Phoebs, can I have the milk after you?
CHANDLER: What's this?
JOEY: Nice, nice. Hey I got somethin' for you. [hands Chandler an envelope.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is playing foosball by himself, Joey enters]
CHANDLER: Well, thanks man. Now I can get my pony.
Joey: Rach, I told you everything I knew last night! Look, it's not that big of a deal, so Monica and Chandler are doing it.
Chandler: (rubbing his temples) Oh, no-no-no-no-no....
CHANDLER: I don't know. It's a bracelet.
CHANDLER: I so am.
CHANDLER: Alright, one of you give me your underpants.
CHANDLER: Oh, she's goin' somewhere.
Joey: Dude-dude, who would you rather have kiss your sister, me or Chandler?
CHANDLER: Oh, yeah, easy for you to say, you don't have to walk around sporting some reject from the Mr. T collection. [Joey walks in behind Chandler]
CHANDLER: No, I'm alright, thanks.
PHOEBE: Chandler, Chandler.
(He happily gestures at Chandler that there was nothing to worry about, then exits. Rachel and Monica are concerned for poor Phoebe, who slides back down next to Ross.)
[Chandler rips off the sheet of paper from the printer.]
JOEY: Hold it hold it. I gotta side with Chandler on this one. When I first moved to the city, I went out a couple of times with this girl, really hot, great kisser, but she had the biggest Adam's apple. It made me nuts.
[Scene: The Restaurant, Joey, Lorraine, Chandler, and Janice are at the table. Joey and Lorraine are seated very close, Chandler and Janice have backed their chairs away from one another.]
CHANDLER: That's great. All right, I gotta get to work, I got a big dinosaur bone to inspect.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is there. Joey enters.]
JOEY: You know what the. . . [sees Chandler on his knees, holding the couch cushions]
Chandler: What are you crazy? That's a baby!
CHANDLER: Oh no no no, she's a total wack job. Yeah, she thinks that Joey is actually Dr. Drake Remore.
Chandler: See, I'm finding out all this stuff about you today, like you like the Law & Order and that you flirted with every guy in the Tri-State area!
CHANDLER: I can't believe it.
CHANDLER: Well this one's for you.
CHANDLER: Hey.
PHOEBE: Hey now you have two. [Chandler looks annoyed] Oh, now you have two.
CHANDLER: What am I gonna do, huh? [Joey walks in behind him]
CHANDLER: That's what they'll call us.
CHANDLER: OK, I was wrong, that's what they used to cover Connecticut.
(He knocks on the girls door and walks in. Surprise! The girls, obviously using Star Trek technology, have completely moved everything in both apartments back to their original positions, all in the time it took for the guys to go to a basketball game. Wow! Anyhoo, Chandler is stunned, and Joey doesnt even realise it.)
CHANDLER: Ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you?
(Ross keeps staring at her, head on table. Chandler smacks him with a newspaper. Joey enters, Ross and Chandler laugh at him.)
CHANDLER: Well, of course, lambs are scarier. Otherwise the movie would've been called Silence of the Ducks.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Ross is up in arms about the Rachel/Julie situation.]
CHANDLER: Work on your music?
JOEY: Ten years I've been waiting for a break like this Chandler, ten years! I mean, Days of Our Lives. That's actually on television.
CHANDLER: [sits down] Ohh yes.
CHANDLER: Congratulations!
CHANDLER: So uh, which one is mine?
CHANDLER: [walks over to the woman] I know what you're thinking, Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy's.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are sitting in their recliners watching TV. Monica, Ross, and Phoebe are there.]
CHANDLER: I didn't know it was a big secret.
Chandler: You're right, I'm sorry. (Burst into song and dances out of the door.) "Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy..."
CHANDLER and JOEY: Woah, hey, yo. [Rachel and Ross move]
(Chandler kicks the door closed, angrily. His clothes are askew, he looks beat.)
CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey, yo. [they move from out of in front of the TV]
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Phoebe enter.]
CHANDLER: Sweet mother of all that is good and pure.
CHANDLER: I'll cancel the sodas.
Chandler: Oh, Im taking my ex-girlfriend of my speed dialer.
CHANDLER: So how'd it go?
CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey.
CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey.
CHANDLER: It's the Miracle Wax.
CHANDLER: Listen can you guys uh, speak up, it's harder for us to hear you when you lower your voice.
Phoebe: You mean whenever Monica and Chandler where like y'know doing laundry or going grocery shopping orOh! All that time Monica spent on the phone with sad Linda from camp!
CHANDLER: Phoebs, let me ask you something, were, were these, uh, funny brownies?
CHANDLER: She's one of us now.
CHANDLER, JOEY, and PHOEBE: Hey.
CHANDLER, JOEY, and PHOEBE: Goodnight.
CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey, woah, hey, woah.
CHANDLER: Well maybe he was nervous.
CHANDLER: Hey. Hold on a second. [shoots a goal] Huh?
CHANDLER: That's a good plan, Joe. Next time we wanna pick up women, we should just go to the park and make out. Taxi, taxi!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, with a blanket draped over her shoulders, opens the door to a similarly clad Chandler.]
CHANDLER: That thing, it's a uhh. . . yeah it's, it's a little flashy.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Everyone is sitting at the couches, Chandler enters.]
Chandler: So, who's up for a big game of Kerplunk?
CHANDLER: Hey.
CHANDLER: Because soap is soap. It's self-cleaning.
CHANDLER: Excuse me, you guys are getting tattoos?
CHANDLER: Waaa-aaah.
CHANDLER: Oooh, Rich is goin' to the party too, huh?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment, Joey is trying to turn the sofabed back into a sofa. Someone knocks on the door and it rears up at him.]
CHANDLER: I know, this is a great apartment.
Chandler: (to Joey) Noo!! I dont care! Im not, Im not gonna playing one-on-one strip poker with you for practice!
CHANDLER: Wow, there's my fantasy come true. No, seriously.
Chandler: Ho-ho, so hard we had to throw out your underwear again?
Chandler: But only because I was up all night worried about this meeting, aint that funny? Irony? Not a fan, alright (he sits down). See, heres the thing. I went home and told my wife about Tulsa and she wont go. See, me, I love Tulsa! Tulsa is heaven! Tulsa is ItalyPlease dont make me go there!
Chandler: The abridgment.
Chandler: I know, I went to the tanning place and the same thing happened to me. You have to let me in.
Chandler: Well, its not your fault. What are you gonna do? Not take her to the hospital? Yknow? Youre doing nothing wrong. (Pause) Except for harboring an all consuming love for the woman whose carrying his baby. (He loses his card behind the door.) Richard? If-if youre in there, could you pass me my credit card?
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is alone as Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Joey enter dejectedly in softball gear.]
CHANDLER: Chandler. [waves his arm around, exposing the bracelet]
CHANDLER: What?
CHANDLER: Look, you know what? If this is the way you feel, then maybe you should take it.
CHANDLER: Well it wouldn't kill you to say it once in a while.
CHANDLER: Well then maybe you should take it.
CHANDLER: Fine with me.
Chandler: Janice I didnt even know you were pregnant! Whos the unwitting human whos essence youve stolen?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is eating breakfast as Chandler comes out of his bedroom, ripping his coat in the process.]
Chandler: Listen er..I need to ask you a favor but you can't tell Monica anything about it.
CHANDLER: Yeah. So do we need to hug here or. . .
CHANDLER: Hey.
CHANDLER: Yeah me too.