words in movies
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Chandler are there. They have lots of brochures about adoption in front of them.]
Chandler: There's a hair in my coffee.
Chandler: You know, it's funny. Every time you say "triplets," I immediately think of three hot blonde 19-year olds.
(Chandler looks like he did the time he swallowed the toy in 605 TOW Joey's Porsche. It's the hair in his coffee.)
(Little Chandler is pulling Chandler's sweater, while Leslie is throwing bagels at him.)
Frank Jr.: Oh, that's Frank Jr. Jr. pulling the tampons out of the lady's purse. And that's Chandler climbing on Chandler, and that's Leslie throwing bagels at him.
[Scene: Bill and Colleen's apartment. Chandler and Monica enter.]
Chandler: So, a lot of malfunctioning wee-wees and hoo-hoos in this room, huh?
Chandler: I mean, you have a lovely home.
Monica: Thank you. (To Chandler.) I think I just had a tiny orgasm.
Chandler: That's great. (To Monica.) Can I see the book?
Chandler: You want me to wash my hands first, don't you?
(Chandler leaves.)
(Cut to the hall. Owen is wearing his scout-uniform and is looking through a box when Chandler walks up to him.)
Chandler: Hey, you must be Owen.
Chandler: I'm Chandler. Hey, I was in the scouts too.
Chandler: Yeah, in fact my father was a den-mother.
Chandler: You know how to use a compass?
Chandler: You do? That's fantastic!
Chandler: I'd love to, but I gotta get back to talking to your parents. They're telling us all about how they adopted you.
Chandler: What?
(Chandler tries to come up with a good answer.)
Chandler: I got nothing.
Phoebe: Alright, so that leaves Chandler.
Frank Jr.: Oh, no, no, you can't have Chandler, no. No, no. She's my little genius. I got big hopes for her. She's gonna be a doctor or a realtor..
[Scene: Bill and Colleen's apartment. Chandler comes running into the living room. Monica is the only one there.]
Chandler: Where are Bill and Colleen?
Chandler: We have to leave!!
Chandler: I didn't get to the bathroom. I bumped into Owen on the way, and he didn't know he was adopted. And there's a slight chance I may have told him.
Chandler: But kids are so intuitive. Don't you think on some level he already knows?
Chandler: See? Intuitive!
Chandler: Which technically now you should give back!
Chandler: I'm so sorry, but you should have a sign out there or something. Or at least whisper it to people when they come in the door. "Owen doesn't know he's adopted, and he also thinks that Santa is real."
Chandler (to Monica): We have to get out of here, baby!
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Chandler enter to find Phoebe there with the triplets.]
Chandler: Owen didn't know he was adopted, and Monica told him.
Chandler: Yeah, but how would you like it if someone told the triplets that you gave birth to them?
Chandler: I'm gonna go tell Emma she was an accident. (Runs off.)
Chandler: (answering the door) Hey!
Rachel: So-so, you missed a message from who? Chandler or your mom? Or Chandler? Or your mom?
Chandler: Well I was I was exactly expecting company after (He looks at his watch.) 9:15.
Chandler: Oh yes!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, they are just finishing up another game of foosball.]
Chandler: Okay.
Chandler: Hey, Kicky. What're you doing?
Chandler: Well, last time I saw him he was heading out the door with the brides maid and a bucket of strawberries. So uh, youre not still upset about what that guy told ya are ya?
Chandler: No! No! No! No(Joey looks at him)one can beat me.
Chandler: See? Now, thats why only the little fake men are supposed to do all the kicking.
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Phoebe is settling a dispute between the chick and the duck.]
[Scene: The smoker's balcony, Kim and Nancy are out smoking as Chandler sticks his head out the door.]
Chandler: Still broken?
Chandler: Ill teach ya! Come on, come on, its really easy and really, really fun.
Chandler: Okay, uh, how about, how aboutyknow what? We could play a new game. A new game, its fun.
Chandler: Cups.
Monica: Come on Chandler, come on! Itll give us great practice for when(realizes what shes about to say and changes)people with babies come to visit.
Chandler: Youre kidding right?
Chandler: Well thats a full cup! (Pays him again.)
Chandler: Ho-ho, you win! 50 dollars!
Chandler: You win.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, theyre still playing Cups.]
Chandler: Not 700 exactly?
Chandler: As in Barbara Streisands husband James Brolin?
Chandler: Well you see in Cups, once you get $700, you have to double it.
Chandler: Okay, I'll give them back. (Exhales strongly through his nose and Joey just glares at him.) Look! What is so great about that sandwich?
Chandler: Double it! (He does.)
Chandler: You kidding? Youre the most beautiful woman in most rooms (She jumps up and kisses him.) (Breaking the kiss.) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whats going on? You and I just made out! You and I are making out?
[Scene: Monicas, Monica is coming out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a towel, as Chandler is entering.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is siting on the couch as Ross and Chandler enter after playing basketball.]
Chandler: Well, there are other ways of winning back your money, how about a little uh, a little Blackjack? (Holds up a deck of cards.)
Chandler: Bye, momi-moo.
Rachel: But honey, I think shes moving in with Chandler.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, (Ohh, thats the last time Im ever gonna type that line. Its just so sad.) Joey is entering, angrily.]
Chandler: Whats wrong?
Chandler: Oh man!!
Chandler: All right, lets play one more hand! One more!
Chandler: When did I try to give you money?
Chandler: Im just trying to help you out! Okay? I wanna make sure that youre okay.
Chandler: I cant take the big white dog! You love it!
Chandler: (entering) Hey.
Chandler: Sure!
Chandler: I know. (He kisses her.)
Chandler: Exactly.
[Scene: Rosss apartment, Chandler is trying to get Joeys money back from Ross.]
Chandler: At a fake game!!
Chandler: Its not a real game! I made it up!
Chandler: But we dont do that.
PHOEBE: Ooh, this is it, 74. [screeches to a halt, Joey and Chandler are thrown into the plexiglass wall in the cab]
Chandler: (not amused) And I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.
Joey: No! (She nods no to Chandler) Because he didn't believe in my movie! Which is a big mistake because it is real! Real!
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers new apartment, Ross and Chandler are there.]
Chandler: I didn't nail the boxes to the floor.
Ross and Chandler: Hey!
Chandler: Yes, and while I'm doing that, Ross has a great computer story for you.
Monica: Oh, so you like her too Chandler?
Chandler: Unbelievable
Chandler: Hey, I didnt make up the rules. Now, after you receive the doubling bonus, you get uh, one card. Now that one card could be worth $100 bringing your total to 1,500. (Joey gets excited.) Dont get to excited because thats not gonna happen unless you getNo way! (He takes the top card, which is the two of clubs. Of course, any card wouldve won. Chandler pays him.)
Chandler: No-no
Chandler: Now imagine you live at the supermarket.
CHANDLER: Okay, I'll do it!
(Suddenly, the tape cuts away from Joey's impromptu scene, to Chandler standing really, really close to the camera.)
Chandler: How drunk are you?
Ross: All right, all right. You-you-you know what I'm going to do? I am going to order another pizza and when Caitlin gets here, you-you--I will show how well I flirt. Yeah! I will, I will get her phone number! (To Chandler) And not the one on the menu!
Chandler: Oh yeah! Okay, lets play again. (He deals out two cards each again.) What do you got?
Chandler: So, uh, wh-where ya from?
Chandler: (pretending) Oh my God! You-almost-gave-me-a-heart-attack.
Chandler: No, really youre gonna freeze.
Chandler: Yes, you got something from the Screen Actors Guild.
Joey: You know, uh... [Joey moves the pen case out onto the counter.] Chandler got you a gift, too.
[Scene, Monica and Chandlers, Chandler is there. Everything is out of its place and Chandler's cleaning.]
Chandler: (thinks) Thats the perfect amount!
Emily: I uh, I got it from the gift shop. They have really lax security there. (Chandler is shocked.) Its a joke. (They all laugh.)
Chandler: Yeah, now how's that going though? Are you okay with the not-flirting thing?
Chandler: Yes I'm gonna put it back (Mocking Ross) exactly where I found it.
Chandler: What does it look like I'm doing? I am cleaning!
Chandler: She's not gonna care if I put her stuff back in the same stupid place.
Chandler: Hey Mon, how's it going?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are returning from their brunch.]
Chandler: Oh come on, come on, it can't be that bad.
Chandler: We should start with the big stuff. Yknow? That'll be the easiest. Uh, let's start with the couch. (He picks up one end and Ross doesn't help) I got it. (He moves it back to where he thinks it goes.)
Chandler: No! No-no-no-no-no-no. It sounds like they really need you down there.
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers, continued from earlier.]
Chandler: OK well here, we'll just move the coffee table closer to the couch.
(Chandler goes to his bedroom and opens the door. However, only the top half opens, and he trips into his bedroom over the bottom half.)
Chandler: Yeah, Monica doesn't like that either, Maybe I should stop doing that.
Chandler: What?
Chandler: And they don't like it when you explain why your jokes are funny.
Chandler: That's not specific to girls.
Chandler: Man, I'm so lucky I have Monica.
Chandler: Yeah, not bad right? You know what, Monicas gonna be working late, so I'm gonna make this place spotless. You know what else I'm gonna do, know what else I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go downstairs, I'm gonna get her some flowers. Now who wouldn't wanna live with me?
Chandler: Is not as important as the fact that Phoebe took care of the babies all by herself.
Chandler: I know.
Chandler: Okay, is this lamp in the same place?
Chandler: I figure that $1,500 would cover him for a few months, yknow? But I have to trick him into taking it so I wont hurt his pride.
Chandler: (to Ross) I couldn't say that I was naked because she's allowed too see me naked.
Monica: Is it the same thing that Chandler had?
Ross: I-I had to show Chandler something?
Chandler: Bye! Thank God
Chandler: Well, I have kissed over four women. (They kiss again.) Do you wanna get under the covers?