words in movies
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Chandler are there. They have lots of brochures about adoption in front of them.]
Chandler: There's a hair in my coffee.
Chandler: You know, it's funny. Every time you say "triplets," I immediately think of three hot blonde 19-year olds.
(Chandler looks like he did the time he swallowed the toy in 605 TOW Joey's Porsche. It's the hair in his coffee.)
(Little Chandler is pulling Chandler's sweater, while Leslie is throwing bagels at him.)
Frank Jr.: Oh, that's Frank Jr. Jr. pulling the tampons out of the lady's purse. And that's Chandler climbing on Chandler, and that's Leslie throwing bagels at him.
[Scene: Bill and Colleen's apartment. Chandler and Monica enter.]
Chandler: So, a lot of malfunctioning wee-wees and hoo-hoos in this room, huh?
Chandler: I mean, you have a lovely home.
Monica: Thank you. (To Chandler.) I think I just had a tiny orgasm.
Chandler: That's great. (To Monica.) Can I see the book?
Chandler: You want me to wash my hands first, don't you?
(Chandler leaves.)
(Cut to the hall. Owen is wearing his scout-uniform and is looking through a box when Chandler walks up to him.)
Chandler: Hey, you must be Owen.
Chandler: I'm Chandler. Hey, I was in the scouts too.
Chandler: Yeah, in fact my father was a den-mother.
Chandler: You know how to use a compass?
Chandler: You do? That's fantastic!
Chandler: I'd love to, but I gotta get back to talking to your parents. They're telling us all about how they adopted you.
Chandler: What?
(Chandler tries to come up with a good answer.)
Chandler: I got nothing.
Phoebe: Alright, so that leaves Chandler.
Frank Jr.: Oh, no, no, you can't have Chandler, no. No, no. She's my little genius. I got big hopes for her. She's gonna be a doctor or a realtor..
[Scene: Bill and Colleen's apartment. Chandler comes running into the living room. Monica is the only one there.]
Chandler: Where are Bill and Colleen?
Chandler: We have to leave!!
Chandler: I didn't get to the bathroom. I bumped into Owen on the way, and he didn't know he was adopted. And there's a slight chance I may have told him.
Chandler: But kids are so intuitive. Don't you think on some level he already knows?
Chandler: See? Intuitive!
Chandler: Which technically now you should give back!
Chandler: I'm so sorry, but you should have a sign out there or something. Or at least whisper it to people when they come in the door. "Owen doesn't know he's adopted, and he also thinks that Santa is real."
Chandler (to Monica): We have to get out of here, baby!
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Chandler enter to find Phoebe there with the triplets.]
Chandler: Owen didn't know he was adopted, and Monica told him.
Chandler: Yeah, but how would you like it if someone told the triplets that you gave birth to them?
Chandler: I'm gonna go tell Emma she was an accident. (Runs off.)
Phoebe: Im just saying, get his number just in case. But no Chandler is in an accident and cant perform sexually and he would want you to take a lover to satisfy the needs that he can no longer fulfill.
CHANDLER: Alright, alright, but you better be wearing clothes when I open my eyes.
Chandler: Almost over man.
Chandler: Why am I looking?
(Joey and Chandler both run to shut off the tape.)
Chandler: (To Monica) Hey!
(Goes over to Chandler.)
Chandler: You ready?
Chandler: Let me see the earrings.
Chandler: Rachel got Ross the tuxedo that Val Kilmer wore in Batman. Okay Batman is so much cooler than James Bond!
(He turns to get his coat and Monica gives Rachel and Phoebe two thumbs up as Chandler walks over to Ross.)
Chandler: (To Ross) Thanks for picking out the earrings man.
Chandler: Hey man, what's up?
Chandler: (looking at them) They look great! Does your boyfriend have the best taste or what?
Monica: Of course not. I mean gosh, Chandler what you did, it's, it's a wonderful thing and I really appreciate it. I know I have this weird thing where I want everything to be in the perfect place, but I'd never expect you to worry about that.
(Ross spots Chandler and starts chasing him around the kitchen table. Chandler runs and hides behind Monica.)
Chandler: Yeah, yeah! Me too!
Chandler: Yeah.
Chandler: It is starting to get dark out there.
Ross: It's theChandler!!
Chandler: Your tax dollars?
(Chandler starts laughing at his joke.)
Joey: (dejected) Yeah okay. (To Chandler) Even though my tax dollars paid for this car.
Chandler: Oh the humanity.
Chandler: Okay.
Chandler: I can't smell your sandwich?
Chandler: Yeah.
Chandler: You couldn't have at least changed your shirt.
Chandler: (leans in and takes a sniff of Joey's sandwich) Wow! That sandwich really does smell good.
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Ross enter in sweats carrying rackets.]
Chandler: Y'know, when you say partner it doesn't sound cop. It, it sounds gay.
Chandler: How do you figure that?
Chandler: (To Monica) If this is the way all the Gellers flirt, we don't have a problem.
Chandler: I gotta check out this hot girl! (He heads to the window but realizes something, stops, turns and points at Monica.) There she is! (He dances over to her and kisses her.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there. Joey is holding a deck of cards out to Chandler.]
Chandler: What's going on?
Chandler: (deadpan) Oh, hurry up. I want to sign that.
Chandler: That's why for an entire year people called me Sir Limps-A-Lot?!
Chandler: Uh, HELLO!!
Chandler: (returning) Oh my God! (Storms out.)
Chandler: Who jumps at loud noises!
Chandler: Oh, I just went for a walk, around the living room. Whatever
Chandler: I do not hate Ross!
Chandler: What picture?
Chandler: You dove in front of Ross! Ross!
Chandler: Much sense?!
Joey: I know it sounds crazy, but Chandler this is (Goes and picks up the sandwich) the greatest sandwich in the world!
Chandler: Really?!
Chandler: I thought you were showing me how much you mean to me.
Chandler: So you didn't uh, choose Ross before me.
Chandler: (examining the hat) And the bunny got away. (Turns and starts looking for the bunny as Joey puts the hat on.)
Chandler: Thanks. (He grabs the sandwich.)
Phoebe: (To Chandler) Check it out! Cup hat! (Points to her hat.) Cup banner! Cup chandelier! And the thing that started it all, the cup! (Holds up one.)
(They all turn and look away. Suddenly a loud bang sounds out and in slow motion Joey slowly throws his body over Ross. Gary is shocked at what he sees while Chandler is obviously hurt.)
(Chandler takes a bite.)
Chandler: Well, I was kinda hoping we could do this without him. (She starts to take off her latex gloves.) Oh no-no-no, leave the gloves on.
Joey: Yeah! In fact, to prove how much you mean to me, (He unwraps the sandwich and holds it out for Chandler) here.
Chandler: You dont want to be guys, youd be all hairy and wouldnt live as long. (Starts to go to his bedroom)
Chandler: Hiya doin' pumpkin?
Chandler: Okay.
(Monica leaves and Chandler moves to talk to Phoebe.)
Phoebe: Nope. (Chandler nods in agreement.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Gary, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler are there.]
Chandler: (terrified) Right, because it's fast. Because, it's so fast. It's fast!
Chandler: So, what are you gonna do?
Chandler: I'll try, but I'm not sure what good it would do, y'know? Because I'm a lot less afraid of commitment than I used to be.
Chandler: Me?! Why me?
Chandler: (starts to laugh, but then gets serious) So umm, you-you flirt with guys all the time?
Chandler: (pouting) It was a car backfire!
[Scene: the 5th Precinct, Gary's precinct, Chandler has come to talk to him about commitment. And as he's walking through the door he notices a couple of "Ladies of the night" sitting there. (If you know what I mean.)]
Chandler: Gary, I'm here to report a crime.
Gary: Hey Chandler, what are you doing here?
Chandler: Hey ladies! What are you in here for? (Laughs at his joke.)
Chandler: You mean scared.
Chandler: Well, is there any chance you were looking into a bright, shiny thing called a mirror?
Chandler: Scared? Happy?
Gary: Chandler, what-what are you doing?
Chandler: Yeah, I think I do! Y'know what? You move in with her! You move in with her right now! Maybe I should in with Monica!
Chandler: (pause) Yeah, you're right about that.
Chandler: Were you're parents happy, or something?
Chandler: Wow, y'know when you say it, it doesn't sound so scary.
Chandler: I am trying to open your eyes, my man! Don't you see, if you lived with Phoebe she's always gonna be there. You're gonna get home, she's there. You go to bed, she's there. You wake up and oh yes, she's there!
Chandler: (entering, happily, with a bottle of champagne, thinking that Monica is the only one there) Ha-ha-ha-(sees everyone)-enh-enh. I'm so glad you guys are all here! My office finally got wrinkle free fax paper!
Chandler: Yes I did, and I think you should do it.
Chandler: Im sorry. (Pause) If you ask me, I'd move in with him.
Chandler: Hi!
Gary: Hey Chandler.
Chandler: He's a great guy, y'know? And he loves you a lot, you are a very lucky lady.
Phoebe: Ohh!! God! (Gary enters and she sees him) Ooh! (To Chandler) Get out of here, good for nothing.
Chandler: What?
Chandler: Four hours? You guys have been doing this for four hours?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are watching Three's Company.]
Chandler: Hi.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is in the kitchen as Chandler enters.]
Monica: Chandler! Everyone--no one's eating my Tuscan finger food 'cause they're all filling up on Phoebe's snow cones!
Chandler: You're shooting with Althea?!
(As she walks away, Chandler mouths a scream to Monica. How motions and mouths, "It's okay, it's okay.")
Chandler: Not fun anymore?
Chandler: Oh that is over!
Chandler: You guys wanna eat here?