words in movies
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Chandler are there. They have lots of brochures about adoption in front of them.]
Chandler: There's a hair in my coffee.
Chandler: You know, it's funny. Every time you say "triplets," I immediately think of three hot blonde 19-year olds.
(Chandler looks like he did the time he swallowed the toy in 605 TOW Joey's Porsche. It's the hair in his coffee.)
(Little Chandler is pulling Chandler's sweater, while Leslie is throwing bagels at him.)
Frank Jr.: Oh, that's Frank Jr. Jr. pulling the tampons out of the lady's purse. And that's Chandler climbing on Chandler, and that's Leslie throwing bagels at him.
[Scene: Bill and Colleen's apartment. Chandler and Monica enter.]
Chandler: So, a lot of malfunctioning wee-wees and hoo-hoos in this room, huh?
Chandler: I mean, you have a lovely home.
Monica: Thank you. (To Chandler.) I think I just had a tiny orgasm.
Chandler: That's great. (To Monica.) Can I see the book?
Chandler: You want me to wash my hands first, don't you?
(Chandler leaves.)
(Cut to the hall. Owen is wearing his scout-uniform and is looking through a box when Chandler walks up to him.)
Chandler: Hey, you must be Owen.
Chandler: I'm Chandler. Hey, I was in the scouts too.
Chandler: Yeah, in fact my father was a den-mother.
Chandler: You know how to use a compass?
Chandler: You do? That's fantastic!
Chandler: I'd love to, but I gotta get back to talking to your parents. They're telling us all about how they adopted you.
Chandler: What?
(Chandler tries to come up with a good answer.)
Chandler: I got nothing.
Phoebe: Alright, so that leaves Chandler.
Frank Jr.: Oh, no, no, you can't have Chandler, no. No, no. She's my little genius. I got big hopes for her. She's gonna be a doctor or a realtor..
[Scene: Bill and Colleen's apartment. Chandler comes running into the living room. Monica is the only one there.]
Chandler: Where are Bill and Colleen?
Chandler: We have to leave!!
Chandler: I didn't get to the bathroom. I bumped into Owen on the way, and he didn't know he was adopted. And there's a slight chance I may have told him.
Chandler: But kids are so intuitive. Don't you think on some level he already knows?
Chandler: See? Intuitive!
Chandler: Which technically now you should give back!
Chandler: I'm so sorry, but you should have a sign out there or something. Or at least whisper it to people when they come in the door. "Owen doesn't know he's adopted, and he also thinks that Santa is real."
Chandler (to Monica): We have to get out of here, baby!
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Chandler enter to find Phoebe there with the triplets.]
Chandler: Owen didn't know he was adopted, and Monica told him.
Chandler: Yeah, but how would you like it if someone told the triplets that you gave birth to them?
Chandler: I'm gonna go tell Emma she was an accident. (Runs off.)
Chandler: Youre coming on to the entire room! (He goes over to pick up a stack of magazines next to her, and to get her attention, he throws them back down.) Im Chandler.
Chandler: Hey, that monkey's got a Ross on its ass!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is lamenting to Chandler and Rachel about his troubles in his new building.]
Chandler: (To Rachel) Sounds like a fun party.
Chandler: Yeah, so, what's that supposed to mean?!
Rachel: Umm, Chandler, you do realize that those ideas are probably already in Monica's head.
Chandler: Okay. It's not different at all, is it?
Chandler: Hmm.
Monica: Couldn't you just stay like this forever? (His eyes snap open.) Chandler! Couldn't you just stay here forever?
Chandler: What?!
Chandler: I'm just hanging out. Y'know, having fun. Y'know with the girl that I'm seeing casually.
Chandler: Well, you do want all that stuff, right?
Chandler: Well, I did not know that.
Chandler: By me?
Chandler: I asked myself that very question, sir. Uh, (Points to Monica) this is Monica. (Points to his boss.) This is my boss, Doug. Doug this is Monica.
Chandler: Monica. (Goes to talk to her.)
Chandler: Just tell me what I need to do to make things right.
Chandler: Well, that's what we do. Y'know, I-I mess up and then you tell me how to fix it and then I do and then y'know you think I'm all cute again.
Chandler: Yes! You want babies! You have baby fever!
(Chandler turns to watch her go and then sees Ross and Joey both with huge grimaces on their faces.)
Joey: Okay, now uh, in terms of the invite list, Ive got you, me, and Chandler and Im gonna invite Gunther cause, well, weve been talking about this pretty loud.
Chandler: It's gonna be okay, right? I mean she's not gonna leave me? This is, this is fixable.
Chandler: Where's Monica?! Where is she? I need to talk to her! It's urgent! Is she here?
Chandler: Bad London! (Takes a spoon and smacks the turkey.)
Chandler: Wh-wh-why?!
Chandler: Will you marry me?
Chandler: Are you okay? I'm so sorry, he wouldn't leave. He kept asking me about chicken.
Chandler: I need to talk to you, it's urgent!
Monica: Chandler.
Chandler: (getting out a ring box) Monica
Chandler: I'm doing this because I'm sorry?
Monica: Chandler, why are you doing this?
Chandler: I don't know. But I know I'm not afraid to do this.
Chandler: I didn't think I was!
Chandler: Yeah I know, but I was really confused and then I talked to these guys. (Turns to look at Ross and Joey.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler are entering after the play. Phoebe and Joey are already there.]
Chandler: Okay, how long is this going to go on.
Rachel: Oh no wait Pheebs, I think for something like that you just ask them to move in with you. But I'm not sure, Chandler?
Chandler: That's not funny.
Chandler: Hey!
Chandler: Okay, I've been doing a lot of thinking about us, y'know a lot of uhh, us thinking. And uh, well I guess there's only one-one way to do this. (He slowly and awkwardly gets down on one knee.)
Chandler and Monica: Okay.
Monica: Anyway, were really excited about our wedding plans, and well I guess pretty soon well be making a big withdrawal from the Monica wedding fund. (Chandler and her laugh, but her parents dont.) What?
Chandler: Absolutely! Yknow, because touchie can mean both ass and good worker.
Chandler: Hey!
Chandler: Great! Now, we can go to the Ranger game! (Pause) Last night!
CHANDLER: It's about cutting my people a little slack, ya know, for morale. Look, if you wanna see some rough numbers, I can get them to you by Wednesday.
CHANDLER: All right, call it in the air.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching Yasmein Bleeth running on TV, and the duck starts quacking.]
Monica: See Chandler? Im getting a lot of use out of them already! Theyre very practical. See, you can wear them with dresses, with skirts, with pants
Chandler: He could be alone. This morning I heard him do push-ups, and then talk to his triceps.
Chandler: Hi, Joe.
Chandler: Well there you have it!
Monica: Or, it could mean that-that you saw Chandler and me together and we y'know were being close and stuff and then you just want to have that with someone too.
Chandler: Joey, look, are you attracted to Monica? Right here, right now, are you attracted to her?
Chandler: All right, look, look. What did... what did you get for Angela Delveccio for her birthday?
Chandler: Oh yeah, it's actually in my bedroom.
Chandler: Yeah, big zero gravity moon steps.
Joey: Well, the reason I think Monica and Chandler are so great
Chandler: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Okay.
Ross: Come on, Chandler.
Chandler: (looking at the sketch) Oh, I see. I thought you just really, really liked your new couch.
Ross: Chandler?! You brought Chandler?! The next best thing would be Monica!
Chandler: Yeah.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and the guys are watching Days of Our Lives.]
(Chandler and Ross head for opposite ends of the couch.)
Chandler: Okay, I don't think we can turn anymore!
(Chandler has moved forward and is now underneath the couch as it heads up the first set of stairs.)
Chandler: Okay, yeah, I think it's really stuck now.
Chandler: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!!
Chandler: Okay, but impersonating a police officer is a serious thing. You could get arrested.
Chandler: Oh, y'know, what did you mean when you said pivot?
Chandler and Rachel: You think?!
Chandler: (stopping him) Hey, whoa-whoa! What's she like?
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, Chandler and Joey are there looking at pictures from the trip to London.]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is returning and finds Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.]
Chandler: Ooh, I do! I do! I do!
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler are recovering from Ross's rebuke.]
Chandler and Joey: Nice!
Phoebe: (entering, hurridly) Hey, you guys! Look what I found! Look at this! (She hands Chandler a picture) Thats my Moms writing! Look.
Phoebe: Umm Wow, all right. (Checks the book.) Wow! Yay! Ooh, Im gonna meet a guy! And really soon! And hes gonna be the man of my dreams. Probably not the guy I had a dream about last night. (Points at Chandler.)
Chandler: Ooh! Israeli champagne. And it's vanilla!
Chandler: (To Rachel) He has a gun!
CHANDLER: Yeah, and someday when you're ready, you'll make it past the hedges.
Joey: (sheepishly) I finished my book. (Chandler and Monica slowly retreat back to bed.)
Phoebe: Let's just say, I'm glad I'm not Chandler.
Chandler: I would have to say that is an 'L'-shaped bracket.
Chandler: That's kind of a masculine name, don't you think?
Rachel: (to Chandler) O-o-o-okay, how did it go? Tell me everything.
Phoebe: So-so how long did that last for you and Chandler?
Chandler: So what happened?
Chandler: Oh hey, how'd the interview go?
Chandler: No. No. Actually I forgot, what is the deal with that again?
Chandler: No, the best reason to get married is pregnancy. Sorry is pretty much fourth y'know, behind being ready and actually wanting to get married. (Laughs.) Will you be my wife?
Rachel: Thanks Chandler.
Chandler: Our adoption social worker is coming by today so we are cleaning the apartment.
Chandler: Well you coulda tried, not kissing him.
Chandler: Come on, Rach.
Joey: Yeah! (Chandler makes a noise) No?