words in movies
[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is on a coffee break. Shelley enters.) Shelley: Hey gorgeous, how's it going?
Chandler: Dehydrated Japanese noodles under fluorescent lights... does it get better than this?
Chandler: Ah, y'see, perfect might be a problem. Had you said 'co-dependent', or 'self-destructive'...
Chandler: Yes please.
Chandler: He's a he?
Chandler: ...Couldn't enjoy a cup of noodles after that. I mean, is that ridiculous? Can you believe she actually thought that?
Chandler: You did?
Chandler: Huh. Did, uh... any of the rest of you guys think that when you first met me?
Chandler: You're kidding! Did you tell her I wasn't?
Chandler: Well, this is fascinating. So, uh, what is it about me?
Chandler: Ross is smart and funny, d'you ever think that about him?
Chandler: WHAT IS IT?!
Chandler: Oh, oh, a quality, good, because I was worried you guys were gonna be vague about this.
Rachel: Monica, your dad just beeped in, but can you make it quick? Talking to Rome. (Showing off to Phoebe and Chandler) I'm talking to Rome.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe, Joey, and Rachel are there.]
Chandler: I just have to know, okay. Is it my hair?
Rachel: (exasperated) Yes, Chandler, that's exactly what it is. It's your hair.
Phoebe: Hm, I mean maybe no-one ever really goes. Ever since my mom died, every now and then, I get the feeling that she's like right here, y'know? (She circles her hand around her right shoulder. Chandler, sitting on her right, draws back nervously) Oh! And Debbie, my best friend from junior high- got struck by lightning on a miniature golf course- I always get this really strong Debbie vibe whenever I use one of those little yellow pencils, y'know? ...I miss her.
Joey: Now, see, I don't believe any of that. I think once you're dead, you're dead! You're gone! You're worm food! (realises his tactlessness) ...So Chandler looks gay, huh?
[Scene: Chandler's Office, Shelley is drinking coffee; Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey, gorgeous.
Chandler: No, nono, don't- don't worry about it. Believe me, apparently other people have made the same mistake.
Chandler: So, uh... what do you think it is about me?
Chandler: ...Quality, right, great.
Chandler: Lowell? Financial Services' Lowell, that's who you saw me with?
Chandler: Well, yeah... 's'no Brian in Payroll.
Chandler: No! Uh, I d'know! The point is, if you were gonna set me up with someone, I'd like to think you'd set me up with someone like him.
Chandler: Excuse me? You don't think I could get a Brian? Because I could get a Brian. Believe you me. ...I'm really not.
Joey: (entering with Chandler) Morning. We ready to go?
Chandler: Well, don't we look nice all dressed up?...It's stuff like that, isn't it?
(Joey listens to his overcoat for a second and sighs, then notices Chandler watching)
Chandler: Nothing, just your overcoat sounds remarkably like Brent Mussberger.
Chandler: You're watching a football game at a funeral?
Chandler: You are a frightening, frightening man.
(Cut to Chandler and a woman, Andrea, reaching for the same slice of meat)
Chandler: Oh, no-
Chandler: Hi, I'm Chandler, and I have no idea who Dorothy is.
Ross: ...Chandler!
Chandler: Hey.
Andrea: (turns to a friend) You were right. (They walk off and leave Chandler.)
Chandler: Who are those people?
[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is on a coffee break as Lowell enters.]
Chandler: Hey, Lowell.
Lowell: Hey, Chandler.
Chandler: So how's it going there in Financial Services?
Chandler: Good, good. Listen, heh, I dunno what Shelley told you about me, but, uh... I'm not.
Chandler: Really.
Chandler: So- you can tell?
Chandler: So you don't think I have a, a quality?
Chandler: He is?
Chandler: Out of my league. I could get a Brian. (Brian enters behind him) If I wanted to get a Brian, I could get a Brian. (Sees him) Hey, Brian.
Monica: David, can you help me?! I'm trying to explain to Chandler how a plane stays in the air.
Chandler: Yeah, that's the same as "it has something to do with wind".
Chandler: (upset) She does?
Chandler: I wouldn't read too much into it.
David: (to Chandler) Well, Phoebe's still pretty hung up on that Mike, uh?
Chandler: Seriously, we're gonna do this?
Chandler: What?
Chandler: Well, you're welcome! Glad I could help.
Chandler: David, I'm pretending to read here!!
Chandler: I didn't mean now...
Chandler: She doesnt know. Says she loves us both. Y'know I woke up this morning and I was in love, well I was happy. Y'know it serves me right for buying that twelve pack of condoms. And now I cant even return them, because she choked on the reciept!
Chandler: All right, I will help you out but you have to promise me you will not tell anyone what I am about to tell you.
Chandler: Well, I don't know what mad him so mad, y'know? All I said was that uh, I didn't think this wasn't gonna be his big break, that this movie wasn't going to do anything for him, and that uh, y'know it didn't sound like a real movie--Okay, he should've pushed me off of the bridge.
[Scene: Back in New York, Monica and Chandler in Central Perk on the couch]
Chandler: David is going to propose to Phoebe.
Monica: Chandler, we have talked about this. You are not supposed to give people advice! Now couldn't you just have made some sort of inappropriate joke?
Chandler: I did! A penis one! Look, just so I know, what was so wrong about what I said?
Chandler: Be-cause, we were talking about ways that he could beat Mike and I told him that Phoebe wanted to get married.
(Monica and Chandler reach the group)
Joey: Come on, I'll show you guys where to check in (Joey, Chandler and David leave)
Chandler: Man, that's some bad advice!
(Rachel turns around and sees Chandler and Monica arriving)
Monica: (to Chandler) Oh, honey, can you make sure we get a King size bed!
Chandler: That's why our honeymoon photos look like me and Diana Ross!
Rachel: Not Joey, no, I was just lusting after Chandler.
Chandler: (slaps him on the shoulder) Nice! (goes to Monica)
Chandler: David is going to propose to Phoebe tonight!
Chandler: That would be advice!!
Chandler: (offended) What? (pause) May I?
Chandler: I dont know. (He picks the chick up and turns it over, trying to determine the sex of the chick, and blows on it.) I cant tell, what ever it was went back in too quickly.
Chandler: Oh, is it on the computer, cuz I'd love to give it a read...?
Chandler: Someone I don't know sent me an e-mail and I opened it.
Chandler: Your computer, I don't know wha... everything's gone!
Chandler: (at the laptop) Oh, no, no, no dear God, no!
Chandler: It must be a virus. I think it erased your hard drive.
Chandler: Well, it didn't say "This is a virus"!!
Ross: What... what am I gonna do? My speech is gone, Chandler!
Chandler: Well, you must be pretty mad at yourself right now...!
Chandler: I just feel awful.
Ross: Get out! (Chandler runs out)
Monica: (shouts to Chandler) And make sure our room isn't next to theirs (points to Phoebe).
[Cut back to the living room. Chandler slowly exits the bathroom and gets pushed from behind by Monica and sees Phoebe closing the apartment door.)
Chandler: (pretending not to sense the tone) Oooh! I hope you're happy too, honey!
Chandler: Yeah. I know it must be important to you when you start chattering like a monkey.
(Chandler walks in)
Chandler: Phoebe is going to say "yes"? That's, that's great!
Chandler: And there's not chance that will work?
Chandler: This vacation sucks!!
Chandler: Wait, if we're lucky, and we're really really really quiet, we may be able to hear the sound of a condom breaking!
Ross: If you want to check your email, just ask! (Chandler tries to look offended)
Chandler: So great things are happening at work and in your personal life!
Chandler: I think we have some time. Have you ever heard him talk? (doing David) "Uh, Phoebe, uh, I would be honoured, uh..." Spit it out, David!
Chandler: That's fast math! We could use you in Tulsa.
Chandler: You know, it's very hard to take you seriously when you look like that.
Chandler: Yes but there's six of us so we'd only have to get struck by lightning 7 times.
Chandler: What a minute, I know that hat! I was taken aboard that hat! They did experiments on me! I cant have children!!
Chandler: What are you talking about? The couch is perfectly in line with the carpet. And then I can just walk over here and casually just put my feet right up on the...(Tries to rest his feet on the coffee table but they won't reach) OK, OK, here's what we do, we just uh, move the couch closer to the coffee table.
Chandler: Oh, ain't this nice? It's so quiet, I could just lie here all day.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's room. Monica and Chandler are in bed.]
Chandler: Ladies? Ross's speech is in 45 minutes.
(the paleontologist glares at Chandler)
Chandler: (to a paleontologist sitting next to him) Not to mention the cold sores.
Chandler: (to the one sitting next to him) Really?
Chandler: How can she be great if shes from Poughkeepsie? (laughs, at they all look at him) That joke wouldve killed in Albany.
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartement. Chandler and the guest are in the living room, Monica in the kitchen]
Chandler: (To Phoebe, behind Monica's back) Still terrified, I'll take care of it. No problem. (When Monica turns back he smiles and kisses her, when she turns away he nods that he'll do it to Phoebe.)
Chandler: You hear that! That is her chose, mister Ill let you have her! I win! You suck! I rule all! A mini-wave in celebration of me!! (does the wave.)
[Scene: the hotel lobby. Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Mike walk in from the outside.]
Chandler: Oh, yeah? What happened when we played last time?
Chandler: And...?
Chandler: I don't think so!
(Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Mike walk away, sipping their drinks)
(Chandler turns to Mike and gives him a "See what I mean?" look)
Chandler: Because you know how competitive you get and well, I say it's cute, others disagree, and I'm lying!
Chandler: I'm not playing with you.
Chandler: (to Phoebe) Did you know this about him?
Chandler: (interrupting her) OK!
Chandler: Honey, try to focus the trash talk on him!
Chandler: (nearly whispering) Oh dear God, there's two of them!
Monica: (going through her pockets) No... (to Chandler and Phoebe) Either of you girls got a quarter?
Chandler: Ye.... (stops because he realises what Joey just said, and stares at him. At this moment Monica enters)
Chandler: Yeah Ross, I mean... we're excited to hear the speech but the rest of the time we're gonna wanna do, you know, "island's stuff".
Chandler: So what do you think? I want that guys genes for my kid! Those eyes, those cheeckbones!
Chandler: (to Phoebe) Do you really find this attractive on him?
Chandler: I think this is the first time in our marriage that I've felt like the more attractive one.
Chandler: Should I use my invisibility to fight crime or for evil?
Chandler: Okay-dokay, you've each won a game and I've lost what's felt like a year of my life. So everybody goes home a winner.
Chandler: (exhausted) Ok, look! Enough is enough!
(She runs to the bathroom, while Chandler starts acting like a chicken in front of Emma. Emma is silent, however.)
(Chandler and Phoebe look bored to death. Monica scores and laughs)
Chandler: But...
Chandler: No, you didn't.
Chandler: You ok?
Chandler: Because I'm gonna play for ya.
Chandler: What about the obsessive cleaning?
Monica: (to Chandler) Honey, you don't have to do this.
Chandler: (Still in a loving voice) You're welcome, sweetheart.
Chandler: All right Mike, let's get this over with. Sudden death. Whoever wins this point, wins.
Chandler: I don't know.
(Chandler scores and wins the match)