words in movies
[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is on a coffee break. Shelley enters.) Shelley: Hey gorgeous, how's it going?
Chandler: Dehydrated Japanese noodles under fluorescent lights... does it get better than this?
Chandler: Ah, y'see, perfect might be a problem. Had you said 'co-dependent', or 'self-destructive'...
Chandler: Yes please.
Chandler: He's a he?
Chandler: ...Couldn't enjoy a cup of noodles after that. I mean, is that ridiculous? Can you believe she actually thought that?
Chandler: You did?
Chandler: Huh. Did, uh... any of the rest of you guys think that when you first met me?
Chandler: You're kidding! Did you tell her I wasn't?
Chandler: Well, this is fascinating. So, uh, what is it about me?
Chandler: Ross is smart and funny, d'you ever think that about him?
Chandler: WHAT IS IT?!
Chandler: Oh, oh, a quality, good, because I was worried you guys were gonna be vague about this.
Rachel: Monica, your dad just beeped in, but can you make it quick? Talking to Rome. (Showing off to Phoebe and Chandler) I'm talking to Rome.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe, Joey, and Rachel are there.]
Chandler: I just have to know, okay. Is it my hair?
Rachel: (exasperated) Yes, Chandler, that's exactly what it is. It's your hair.
Phoebe: Hm, I mean maybe no-one ever really goes. Ever since my mom died, every now and then, I get the feeling that she's like right here, y'know? (She circles her hand around her right shoulder. Chandler, sitting on her right, draws back nervously) Oh! And Debbie, my best friend from junior high- got struck by lightning on a miniature golf course- I always get this really strong Debbie vibe whenever I use one of those little yellow pencils, y'know? ...I miss her.
Joey: Now, see, I don't believe any of that. I think once you're dead, you're dead! You're gone! You're worm food! (realises his tactlessness) ...So Chandler looks gay, huh?
[Scene: Chandler's Office, Shelley is drinking coffee; Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey, gorgeous.
Chandler: No, nono, don't- don't worry about it. Believe me, apparently other people have made the same mistake.
Chandler: So, uh... what do you think it is about me?
Chandler: ...Quality, right, great.
Chandler: Lowell? Financial Services' Lowell, that's who you saw me with?
Chandler: Well, yeah... 's'no Brian in Payroll.
Chandler: No! Uh, I d'know! The point is, if you were gonna set me up with someone, I'd like to think you'd set me up with someone like him.
Chandler: Excuse me? You don't think I could get a Brian? Because I could get a Brian. Believe you me. ...I'm really not.
Joey: (entering with Chandler) Morning. We ready to go?
Chandler: Well, don't we look nice all dressed up?...It's stuff like that, isn't it?
(Joey listens to his overcoat for a second and sighs, then notices Chandler watching)
Chandler: Nothing, just your overcoat sounds remarkably like Brent Mussberger.
Chandler: You're watching a football game at a funeral?
Chandler: You are a frightening, frightening man.
(Cut to Chandler and a woman, Andrea, reaching for the same slice of meat)
Chandler: Oh, no-
Chandler: Hi, I'm Chandler, and I have no idea who Dorothy is.
Ross: ...Chandler!
Chandler: Hey.
Andrea: (turns to a friend) You were right. (They walk off and leave Chandler.)
Chandler: Who are those people?
[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is on a coffee break as Lowell enters.]
Chandler: Hey, Lowell.
Lowell: Hey, Chandler.
Chandler: So how's it going there in Financial Services?
Chandler: Good, good. Listen, heh, I dunno what Shelley told you about me, but, uh... I'm not.
Chandler: Really.
Chandler: So- you can tell?
Chandler: So you don't think I have a, a quality?
Chandler: He is?
Chandler: Out of my league. I could get a Brian. (Brian enters behind him) If I wanted to get a Brian, I could get a Brian. (Sees him) Hey, Brian.
[Scene: Central Perk. The entire gang is there, and Chandler and Monica are handing out presents.]
Monica: No! No-no theyre not. Theyre still very angry! But yknow Chandler is also half-Swedish. You know what the Swedish people are famous for? Sitting down and being quiet.
Chandler: Rachel... with handcuffs! Interesting! (he looks excited)
Chandler: Really? Then what are they doing in our guestroom?
Chandler: Oh yeah, right! Good luck getting another scarf dance from me!
Chandler: (he doesn't look excited anymore). Well played.
Monica: Chandler? I was just in our bedroom and I found these (she holds the furry handcuffs) on my pillow.
Chandler: Just not enough to put us in the original wedding party.
Ross: Well it's okay. Chandler is talking to her.
(Chandler slides the bowl to the far end of the counter. He tries again, but he hits the spoon to hard and the ball goes flying away.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, later that morning. The porn is still on, there are three women getting ready to shave the chest of some guy. Joey and Chandler are wondering why that guy is letting them shave his chest, and Monica and Rachel are eating breakfast at the foosball table.]
Chandler: Uh, Rach?
Chandler: (to Rachel) Uh, Rach... I think I have something that belongs to you. (shows her the cuffs)
Chandler: Don't say Richard! Well, if they're not Monica's and they're not yours, then whose are they?
Chandler: No, no, no... They're really yours. We... found them in your old room.
Chandler: Pheebs!
Chandler: I think these are yours.
Phoebe: Where do you think Mike really is? (she giggles, Chandler looks aghast)
Rachel: (to Chandler) Can I talk to you alone for a minute?
[Scene: The guest bedroom. Chandler and Rachel.]
Chandler: Let me just say something... Because once we get into this, I'm gonna get all uncomfortable and probably make some stupid joke... I just want to say that I... I love you... And, I'm gonna miss you. And I'm so sad that you're leaving.
Chandler: Ooh, not so tight... (blows raspberry, and the hug ends) I'm sorry, just give me one more chance.
(Chandler blows raspberry again)
Chandler: That old woman was being scammed by her mechanic.
Chandler: Mine was a humdinger
CHANDLER: Yeah, Ross can't go so it's between my friend Eric Prower who has breath issues and Dan with the poking. [starts poking Monica in the shoulder] 'Did you see that play? Do you want some more beer? Is that Spike Lee?'
Chandler: Well, you can't say we don't know how to throw a party.
Chandler: Monica's grandmother.
Chandler: Joey and I can finish up in the guest room.
Chandler: Hey Mon, I think I figured out whose handcuffs they are.
Chandler: (to Joey) You couldn't be cool. (he goes to the guest bedroom)
Chandler: Well, I was cleaning out the closet and I found some pictures of them... being used.
Chandler: Oh my God!
Chandler: Great, at a hundred dollars an apple, we're there!
Chandler: Honey, it's gonna be okay.
Chandler: If I turn into my parents, I'll either be an alcoholic blond chasing after twenty-year-old boys, or... I'll end up like my mom.
Chandler: You obviously haven't tasted my Palmolive potatoes!
Chandler: Relax! We just get her some antacids.
Chandler: What?
Joey: Chandler, wait, wait, wait...
(there's a lot of supportive cheers from all. Erica, Monica and Chandler leave.)
Chandler: Oh my God!
Chandler: Where are you going?
Chandler: Hah. May not wanna mention this. So, you ever wonder which is worse, you know; going through labor or getting kicked in the nuts?
Chandler: Okay.
Chandler: This is exactly the kind of social situation that I am not comfortable with!
Chandler: You can't leave me alone with her.
Chandler: Next time, can I say breathe?
Chandler: Oh well, this was a really important experience for me, and I wanted to share it with you.
(Monica leaves, and Chandler closes the door. Erica just looks at him.)
Chandler: Well, it's just interesting. You know, because no one will ever know, because no one can experience both.
Chandler: Sure. (to Phoebe) You don't really handcuff guys to waterpipes do you?
Chandler: It's just that we've never spent any time, you know, alone together.
Joey: It's my house-warming present for Monica and Chandler.
Ross: Chandler, you don't have a sister so you can't understand how much this bums me out.
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment.]
Joey: Yeah, Erica went into labor last night. Monica and Chandler are at the hospital right now!
Ross: Chandler!!! Chandler!!! (He opens the door to the apartment but is stopped by the chain; Chandler and Monica quickly stop making out and try to get dressed.) Chandler, I saw what you were doing through the window! Chandler, I saw what you were doing to my sister! Now get out here!
Chandler: Is it really that bad?
(Monica gives Chandler a look.)
Chandler: I'm okay.
Ross: I have to talk to her about this groomsman situation, ok? I'm not gonna watch Chandler up there while I'm sitting in the seats like some chump! (he goes to Rachel's room, knocks the door and enters the room). (very fake gasp) Oh! My God! You're breathtaking!
Chandler: Wow!
Monica: Chandler, you don't wanna miss this. This is the birth of your child! It's the miracle of life!
Chandler: Alright. Wow, that is one disgusting miracle.
Monica: Oh! Oh my God! That is the most beautiful top of a head I have ever seen! Chandler, you have to see this!
(A nurse gives Monica a pair of scissors. Monica gives it to Chandler, and they cut it together.)
Chandler: Okay.
Chandler: I know. He has your eyes.
Chandler: No, no I just ah, didnt do them. Instead, I ah, hung out with a couple of friends and had a couple of beers so I certainly dont deserve any praise, verbal or otherwise.
Chandler: Well, that's spongy.
Chandler: I mean, I know that's not possible, but he does.
Monica: (to her son) Oh, hey handsome! Oh, I'm gonna love you so much that no woman is ever gonna be good enough for you! (To Chandler, on the verge of tears) Oh, we are so lucky!
Chandler: Oh, yeah! These are the faces of two people in the know!
Chandler: How do you feel?
Chandler: What do we do?
Chandler: Well, gosh. That makes me feel so special and good.
Monica: Chandler, you're panicking!
Chandler: (panicking) Twins! Twins!!
Chandler: Interesting! (To Monica) Can I see you for a second?
Chandler: Uh-huh! Join me, won't you?! Okay, what do you say we keep one, and then just like have an option on the other one?
Chandler: What if they're not? What if it's adopted by a king?
Chandler: Okay.
Chandler: (To Monica) Well, now we have one of each! (To the doctor) And that's enough!
Chandler: (smiles) Okay. Shhh...
Chandler: Okay!
Chandler: Why not? We could give each of them half a medallion, and then years later, they'll find each other and be reunited. I mean, that's a great day for everybody.
Chandler: (shocked) She? It's a girl?
Chandler: Monica, we are not ready to have two babies!
(Monica and Chandler run back to Erica's bed.)
(Joey makes a sound imitating one person making a bed creak and Chandler turns and glares at him.)
Joey: Yeah, I figure they'll love it at the new house, you know? It has that big backyard. And then, when they get old, they can go to that special farm that Chandler took the other chick and duck to.
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. Chandler is still leaning against the door, keeping Joey out, who is still banging and shouting on the other side.]
Chandler: Bye!
Chandler: Have fun at church-camp!
[Scene: The hospital. Monica and Chandler are holding the twins, while two nurses are taking care of Erica.]
Chandler: Okay.
Chandler: I know! You ready to trade?
Chandler: We could trade later.
Erica: Anyway, I'm gonna go and get some rest. I'm really glad I picked you guys. You're gonna make great parents. Even Chandler.