words in movies
[Scene: Joey and Janines, Chandler knocks on the front door. Joey answers the door.]
Chandler: Hi, my names Chandler. I just moved in next door and I was wondering if you would be interested in battling me in a post-apoplectic world for control of the galaxies last remaining energy source?
Chandler: So, is Janine around?
Chandler: Can I check out what she did to my room?
Joey: Yeah, but, hey look, dont go through her stuff. She gets really mad.(Chandler gives him a look and walks to the door of his old room.)
Chandler: (The room is filled with flowers and a floral print sheet on the bed.) Oh my God. What is th its like a guy never lived in here. Look, youve got to be careful. This girl thing is dangerous. (Looking around the living room.) Its spreading already.
Chandler: (Picking up a pillow.) Yeah, is this your pretty pink pillow on the couch?
Chandler: (Pointing to the table and picking up the box.) Is that your tiny little box, thats too small to put anything in?
Chandler: No! Ok, this is not good. You are a guy. Ok? This is a guys place. If you let this go, youre going to be sitting around with your fingers soaking in stuff.
Chandler: Yes talk to her. Be a man.
Chandler: Defend yourself.
Monica: Chandler come on. We have to hem the new dust ruffle.
Chandler: Be right there sweetums. (Monica leaves. To Joey.) A totally different situation.
Chandler: Hey, how was your breakfast with Hillary?
Chandler: Ohh, yeah.
Chandler: Thats weird. I dont think my boss likes me either.
Chandler: Yeah lets head off to work.
[Scene; Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are on the couch. Ross walks in.]
Chandler and Monica: Hey.
Chandler: You know Oh My God.
Chandler: (Sarcastically) Really.
Chandler: Yeah, what was wrong with your old human teeth.
Chandler: No, no no no. Youll be fine. (turning to Monica) Hillarys bind, right?
Chandler: Yeah. (Rachel walks in.)
Chandler: What???
Chandler: I am proud of all my friends today.
Monica: My God, Rachel, I cant believe Phoebe made out with Ralph Lauren. Ohh, Im so jealous. (Chandler looks at her.)
Chandler: Hi, Im Chandler. Your live-in boy
Monica: Chandler, please, come on. Look at him. (Pointing to a picture of Ralph on a magazine,.)
Chandler: Oh, I am no women, but that is one tasty dish. (Phoebe walks in.)
Phoebe: Hey. Here. (Hands Chandler a copy of her flyer and sees the picture of Ralph.) Ohh, whos the silver fox?
[Scene: Chandlers and Monicas apartment, Chandler and Monica are sitting at the kitchen table making potpourri sachets.]
Chandler: Yes, God forbid we throw out old underwear. You-you know what? Im going to go over to Joeys.
Chandler: Yes, but I feel like Ive really gotten in touch with my feminine side enough today. You know. In fact I think were two sachets away from becoming a lesbian couple.
Chandler: Nah, Nah, its okay. I feel like I need to be in guy place. You know, do kind of like a man thing.
Chandler: You know when guys hang out they dont just drink some beer and hammer up drywall?
Monica: When girls hang out, we dont have pillow fights in our underwear. (Chandler gets a hurt look on his face.) Im sorry. We do. We do. I dont know why I said that.
[Scene: Joey and Janines apartment, Chandler walks in. Joey and Janine are knitting at the kitchen counter.]
Joey: Hey Chandler. Come on in. Were knitting pot holders.
Chandler: No thanks, Josephine.
[Scene: Rosss apartment, Chandler enters. Ross is putting on makeup.]
Chandler: Hey Ross, I was wondering if Oh my God!! Where are all the men???
[Scene: Joey and Janines apartment, Joey and Monica are arranging flowers. Chandler walks in.]
Chandler: Monica, could you excuse us for a second? I need to talk to the girl with the flowers.
Joey: Ohh, I love birds. (Monica leaves. Chandler shuts the door.)
Chandler: What is the matter with you ?!?
Chandler: Youre arranging flowers! (Pointing to the dish on the table.) You got dead flowers! You got a picture, a picture, of a baby dressed like flowers! This is not Joey!!
Chandler: Youre turning into a women.
Chandler: Now Ive upset you? What did I say?
Chandler: Oh, I can't believe my sperm have low motility because, let me tell you, when I was growing up they sure seem to be in a hurry to get places!!
Chandler: (looking at the picture of the female reproductive system) Wow! Fortunately she has a very pretty face!
Chandler: Oh, DAMN IT!
Chandler: Hi.
(Dr. Connelly glares at Chandler)
Chandler: (sitting down on the couch) Ok.
Chandler: (entering) Hey guys!
Chandler: But you come first!
Chandler: Yeah.
Chandler: Aside from adoption the only other choice is insemination, so... we're talking about sperm donors.
Chandler: (stopping Joey) ah-ha!
Chandler: it was like the Algonquin kids table. (They all laugh, but Joey only laughs not to be left out.)
Chandler: I wish there was an easier way for us to have a child but I don't think there is one.
Chandler: Honestly? Me too.
Chandler: Hey! Look I brought a friend for dinner, this is Zack, from work!
[Scene: Monica's apartment, Chandler walks in with a friend of his while Monica is putting fruit in a bowl.]
Chandler: I'm telling you, he's great! I mean, even if my sperm worked fine, I'd think he'd be the way to go!
Monica: Chandler, this is crazy! What did you even say to him! "Come up, meet my wife! Give us your sperm"!
Chandler: So, how would you like to have a baby that's half yours and half his!
Monica: Chandler!
Chandler: Ok!
Chandler: So you might say, the ring is irreplaceable? (Gives Joey a little squeeze.)
Chandler: (bringing the beer to Zack) Zack!
CHANDLER: Achhh.� It's always better to lie than to have the complicated discussion.� (pause)� Except with you.
Chandler: You don't like him.
Zack: Oh! I'm gonna go wash up first. (Chandler points him the bathroom) Thanks!
Chandler: (very seriously) That's really not the kind of thing we are looking for Zack.
Chandler: Alright! Just follow my lead!
Chandler: You know what's not funny? Male Pattern Baldness (Monica stretches her neck to look behind Zack's head and then gives Chandler an "ok" sign)
Monica & Chandler: Sure! Alright...
Chandler: I noticed you were enjoying that Ravioli with a beautiful set of teeth. Did you have braces as a child?
Chandler: Oh good, 'cause I've already thought of 3... 4! I've just thought of a fourth (he goes towards the counter)
Chandler: I'm sorry, he's a little bit wound up, we had to stop at every maple candy stand on the way here.
Chandler: You sure you don't wanna stick around a little longer?
Chandler: Ok.
Chandler: I think we've found our sperm!
Chandler: Yeah, you think so, well? Should I ask him?
Chandler: (smiling) Yeah.
Chandler: So you know this leaves us with...
Chandler: (sighs with relief) Thank God, because I don't wanna do this either. You know, I was just doing because I thought that was what you wanted to do. You know, I'm the husband, I'm supposed to... bring the sperm.
Chandler: Really? Are you sure?
Chandler: Yeah, he's better!
Chandler: How do you feel about that?
Zack: (hardly enthusiastic) Hey Chandler.
Chandler: Hey, Zack!
Chandler: Look, I just wanted to apologize for last night. I got the feeling we made you a little uncomfortable.
Chandler: We are gonna be great parents.
Chandler: Really?
Chandler: Hang up, hang up. And that was a great movie! (Monica hangs up) I'm so gonna get back at Ross... oh yeah, this will show him, here we go (starts typing something).
Chandler: You wouldn't know if Jeanette's planning on keeping her baby, would ya?
Chandler: You guess I'm right? When we stayed at that bed and breakfast, you wouldn't have sex with me because you thought a deer was staring through the window.
Chandler: (sings in a helium voice) First I was afraid, I was petrified (very happy)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next day, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are baby-sitting the triplets. They each have one baby.]
[Scene: The Hallway, Monica and Chandler are returning and Monica finds her basket is empty.]
Chandler: Well, I'm off to Tulsa, so if your Maitre D. friend has any funny Oklahoma jokes, tell him to e-mail me at www.hahanotsomuch.com.
Chandler: Software that facilitates inter-business networking e-solutions?
(Joey gives him the okay symbol, and Ross rushes towards him to be stopped by Chandler. Meanwhile, Phoebe goes over to the snack table as some guy, which turns out to be Ursula's fianc�e Eric, walks in and smacks her butt.)
Monica: (to Chandler) See?
Monica: David, can you help me?! I'm trying to explain to Chandler how a plane stays in the air.
Chandler: Yeah, that's the same as "it has something to do with wind".
Chandler: (upset) She does?
Chandler: I wouldn't read too much into it.
David: (to Chandler) Well, Phoebe's still pretty hung up on that Mike, uh?
Chandler: Seriously, we're gonna do this?
Chandler: What?
Chandler: Well, you're welcome! Glad I could help.
Chandler: David, I'm pretending to read here!!
Chandler: I didn't mean now...
Chandler: She doesnt know. Says she loves us both. Y'know I woke up this morning and I was in love, well I was happy. Y'know it serves me right for buying that twelve pack of condoms. And now I cant even return them, because she choked on the reciept!
Chandler: All right, I will help you out but you have to promise me you will not tell anyone what I am about to tell you.
Chandler: Well, I don't know what mad him so mad, y'know? All I said was that uh, I didn't think this wasn't gonna be his big break, that this movie wasn't going to do anything for him, and that uh, y'know it didn't sound like a real movie--Okay, he should've pushed me off of the bridge.
[Scene: Back in New York, Monica and Chandler in Central Perk on the couch]
Chandler: David is going to propose to Phoebe.
Monica: Chandler, we have talked about this. You are not supposed to give people advice! Now couldn't you just have made some sort of inappropriate joke?
Chandler: I did! A penis one! Look, just so I know, what was so wrong about what I said?
Chandler: Be-cause, we were talking about ways that he could beat Mike and I told him that Phoebe wanted to get married.
(Monica and Chandler reach the group)
Joey: Come on, I'll show you guys where to check in (Joey, Chandler and David leave)
Chandler: Man, that's some bad advice!
(Rachel turns around and sees Chandler and Monica arriving)
Monica: (to Chandler) Oh, honey, can you make sure we get a King size bed!
Chandler: That's why our honeymoon photos look like me and Diana Ross!
Rachel: Not Joey, no, I was just lusting after Chandler.
Chandler: (slaps him on the shoulder) Nice! (goes to Monica)
Chandler: David is going to propose to Phoebe tonight!
Chandler: That would be advice!!
Chandler: (offended) What? (pause) May I?
Chandler: I dont know. (He picks the chick up and turns it over, trying to determine the sex of the chick, and blows on it.) I cant tell, what ever it was went back in too quickly.
Chandler: Oh, is it on the computer, cuz I'd love to give it a read...?
Chandler: Someone I don't know sent me an e-mail and I opened it.
Chandler: Your computer, I don't know wha... everything's gone!
Chandler: (at the laptop) Oh, no, no, no dear God, no!
Chandler: It must be a virus. I think it erased your hard drive.
Chandler: Well, it didn't say "This is a virus"!!
Ross: What... what am I gonna do? My speech is gone, Chandler!
Chandler: Well, you must be pretty mad at yourself right now...!
Chandler: I just feel awful.
Ross: Get out! (Chandler runs out)
Monica: (shouts to Chandler) And make sure our room isn't next to theirs (points to Phoebe).
[Cut back to the living room. Chandler slowly exits the bathroom and gets pushed from behind by Monica and sees Phoebe closing the apartment door.)