words in movies
Written by: Doty Abrams Transcribed by: Eric Aasen With Scenes Taken From Episodes Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips, guineapig, Ruth Curran, Josh Hodge, and Me.
Phoebe: (she stops reading from the script) Oh my God.
Joey: Yeah, youre great! Okay, lets take it from
[And with that we go into the save the budget portion of the show, which features flashbacks from previous episodes. The first set of auditions feature high lights or low lights of Joeys acting career. The first flashback is from The One With The Lesbian Wedding.]
Joey: (there's a gunshot on TV) There's my scene, there's my scene. [Joey on tv] "Mrs. Wallace, I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray, your sister's neurosurgeon. I'm afraid the situation is much worse than we expected. Your sister is suffering from a..." (Does the smell-the-fart look.)
[The next flashback is from The One With The Butt. The gang is watching Joey in Freud!]
[The next flashback is also from The One With The Butt and it's also on the soundtrack. He's Joey telling everyone about his big break in Monica and Rachel's apartment.]
Joey: And I know both of them, theyre really good. One of them is the guy from those allergy commercials whos always getting chased by those big flowers
[Thus starts another series of flashbacks all dealing with the pressure the rest of the Friends have to deal with in their jobs. The first flashback is from The One With The Stoned Guy.]
[The next flashback is from The One With The Prom Video. Monica is at a job interview at a new restaurant.]
[The next flashback is from The One With Rachel's Crush.]
[The next flashback is from The One With The Dozen Lasagnas, Phoebe is telling everyone but Rachel about the pass Paulo made on her.]
[The next flashback is from The One With Ross's Sandwich, Ross his confronting his boss about him eating Ross's sandwich.]
Chandler: Oh come on guys, its not like I moved to Europe! I just moved across the hall! And we would have you over all the time if it werent for (struggles to get this out) Monicas allergies. (The duck quacks.) Youre right, I could never lie to you. She hates you. (The phone rings.) Should I get that? (Laughs, then answers the phone.) Hello? (Listens) Uh no, Joeys not here right now. Can I take a message? (Listens) Yeah, okay so the audition has been moved from 5:00 to 2:30? (Listens) Okay great. (Listens.) Bye. (Hangs up the phone and goes to write the message on the Magna-Doodle on the door but Monica walks in and forces him to jump out of the way.)
Chandler: You mean you didnt get it from this?
[Joey just laughs as a third set of flashbacks featuring Chandlers mistakes starts. The first flashback is from The One With The Prom Video. It's Chandler telling Phoebe how much he hates the bracelet Joey bought him. They're both at Central Perk.]
Chandler: You know he coulda gotten me a VCR, he coulda gotten me a set of golf clubs, but no, he has to get me the woman repeller! The eyesore from the Liberace house of crap!
Chandler: Oh, yeah, easy for you to say, you don't have to walk around sporting some reject from the Mr. T collection. [Joey walks in behind Chandler]
[The next flashback is from The One Where Chandler Crosses The Line. He's telling Joey that he kissed Cathy.]
[Chandler proceeds to point out Joeys errors in this forth set of flashbacks. The first flashback is from The One With The Cat. Chandler has just returned home to see that their apartment has been cleaned out and finds Joey trapped in the entertainment center.]
[The next flashback is from The One With The Candy Hearts. Joey and Chandler are waiting at a restaurant as Lorraine and her friend arrive.]
[The next flashback is from The One With Ross's New Girlfriend. Chandler is telling Ross and Joey that Joey's tailor took advantage of him.]
[We then go into another set of flashbacks of famous fights. The first is the second breakup of Ross and Rachel from The One With The Jellyfish.]
Rachel: Yeah! You and that girl from that copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!!
Chandler: (coming out from behind the door) I KNEW IT!!!!
[The next flashback is from The One After The Superbowl, Part II. Monica and Rachel are fighting over who gets to see Jean-Claude Van Damme.]
[The next flashback is from The One Where No One's Ready. Joey is retaliating against Chandler hiding his underwear by wearing a whole bunch of clothes.]
[The next flashback is from The One Where Eddie Moves In. It's the sequence where Joey and Chandler are both saddened that they're not living together anymore. All By Myself is playing in the background.]
Chandler: Joey? Got you a Joey Special, two pizzas! Joe? (The phone rings and he answers it) (On phone) Hello? (Takes the phone away from his mouth when he realizes what he just did and yells.) Damnit! (Back on phone.) Hello? (Listens.) No, Joeys not here right now, but I can take a message I think. (Listens) Hes still got a chance for the part?! Oh, thats great news! (Listens) Well no obviously not for the actor who was mauled by his dog. (Listens) Oh well, thats great. I will give Joey the message. Thank you! (Hangs up and goes to write the message on the Magna-Doodle.) Yes! (Reading what hes writing) Okay, Mac audition at 2:00. Allergy actor attacked. (Pause) By dog not flowers.
[What follows is the final set of flashbacks that feature a whole lot of lovin between Chandler and Joey. Theres no words, just hugs and even the kiss from The One With The Monkey. All of this is set to the song, Youve Really Got a Hold on Me!]
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey and Phoebe are reading a scene from Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.]
(Suddenly Ross jumps up from behind the counter armed with a plastic gun. By the way, hes overacting too.)
Ross: (enters from the bed room) Okay I put most of the stuff away.
[Scene: The hallway, Joey, Janine, Monica, and Chandler are returning from their second date.]
Chandler: OK, I'm officially unpacked. Thanks for helping me man. (Turns around and sees that Joey isn't there.) Joe? (Hears giggling coming from a box) Well, I guess Joey went home. Oh and look, there's still one box that I have to unpack. (Hears the giggling again)
Monica: They all came from the list you handed out to us two weeks ago.
Phoebe: Yeah, no kidding, this just proves no good can come from having sex with Ross!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, continued from before the commercial break. Monica is walking into the apartment followed by Ross and Rachel.]
Ross: (Enters from his bedroom)Who the hell was that?!
Monica: No. I can't be away from you for that long.
Phoebe: (interrupts him) No, no, we don't really have time for this right now. Okay, we have to keep Chandler away from my bedroom.
Joey: (Laughs) From school.
Phoebe: I am shocked! Shocked!! (She storms off leaving Ross to defend himself from the angry looks from onlookers.)
Chandler: I was being Shelly Winters from The Poseidon Adventure.
Ross: I'm Ross, Phoebe's friend from the coffeehouse.
Phoebe: Okay, so maybe you dont get her a ring. Maybe you-maybe you do something different. Yknow? Maybe you get her an engagement bracelet, yknow? Or an engagement tiara? Orooh! An engagement Revolutionary War musket! (Picks one up from the display in the corner.
Mike: I'm not blowing her off, I actually just got off the phone with her, were going out tomorrow night, I mean I hope that's ok with you stranger from the coffee house.
Ross: Then we have to await the data from recent MRI scans and DNA testing which call into question information gathered from years of simple carbon dating.
[Scene: Chandler arrives home from work.]
Phoebe: Well, Im returning a call from a certain mom at the B-E-A-C-H. I just spelled the wrong word. (goes into Monicas room)
Phoebe: (from outside) Trick or treat! (It�s obviously Halloween eve, the night of her birthday dinner.)
Maitre D�: Good evening, Miss. (Phoebe turns her head away) Miss? (from the opposite side) Miss? (she turns again) Miss!
Chandler: You are incredible. Unless, I�I�m not gonna smoke again. And if I do, I promise, I will hide it so much better from you. (they kiss)
Chandler: (on phone) Hey Mr. Kostelic! How's life on the fifteenth floor? (Listens) Yeah, I miss you too. (Listens) Yeah, it's a lot less satisfying to steal pens from your own home, you know? (Listens) Well, that's very generous (Listens) er, but look, this isn't about the money. I need something that's more than a job. I need something I can really care about.... (Listens) And that's on top of the yearly bonus structure you mentioned earlier? (Listens) Look, Al, Al... I'm not playing hardball here, OK? This is not a negotiation, this is a rejection! (Listens) No! No! No, stop saying numbers! I'm telling you, you've got the wrong guy! You've got the wrong guy! (Listens) I'll see you on Monday! (slams the phone down)
Ross: Somehow over time it got easier to be apart from you.
Mike: Oh, thank God. (he laughs nervously, and Phoebe gets her keychain from her bag.)
Chandler: So.. let me get this straight. So my two friends die, I get Emma. Then my wife dies, then Emma the one tiny ray of hope left in my life gets taken away from me?
Chandler: (laughs, but then moves to Phoebe) And don't get me started on the way that people from Tulsa talk.
Cop: (following her) Hey by the way, I'm sure Sipowicz is gonna be all right. I heard that kid from Silver Spoons is really good. (Phoebe's stunned) And where did you find my badge?
Monica: (on machine) "Hi, it's Monica. I'm just checking in 'cause I got this message from you and I didn't know if it was old or new or what. So, I'm just checkin'. So let me know, or don't, whatever. I'm breezy."
Ross: (picks up a cookie) Okay, okay, see... that... that is the problem. He is too sensitive. (takes a bite from the cookie)
Joey: (kind of emotional) I am learning so much from you.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica and Joey are sitting at the dinner table. Chandler comes from the bedroom with his suitcase.]
Rachel: (from bedroom) Oh, damn you Geller!
Rachel: (from behind the bedroom door) YOU! You feel!
Rachel: (from the bedroom) Huh ha ha!
[This starts another series of flashbacks about Joeys hobbies. The first one is from Episode 703: The One With Phoebes Cookies, Rachel is teaching Joey how to sail his boat, the Mr. Bowmont.]
Rachel: All right Joey! That is enough! (Grabs him and pulls him away from Bobby and Dina) Listen, as beautiful and moving as this ceremony is, its not legal. Okay? They-they dont have a marriage license, they dont have any witnesses, and the groom only has on one shoe!
Joey: Uhm... A penis model. (Monica can't believe what's she's hearing and Ross pats Joey on the back.) Anyway, hey... Did you tell Chandler that some guy from work is the funniest guy you've ever met?
Chandler: So those were pity laughs? PITY LAUGHS? (Joey and Ross walk away from the kitchen)
MONICA: Really?� But tomorrow night is the only night I get off from the restaurant.� If you go to the game, we won't have a night together for another week.
Rachel: Well, he's coming from Jersey, he said he would get here as fast as he could!
PHOEBE: Really?� You're moving on from Ross?
PHOEBE: (calling from the bar on her cell phone.) Hey, Mike, it's me.� Listen, is um, is Ross near you?
(At this point a stream of obscenities burst forth from Phoebes mouth just in time for Ben and Ross to enter and hear most of it, and in slow motion Ross tries to shield his innocent son from Phoebes vulgarity.)
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment.� Mike is reading from a book.]
PHOEBE: All right. (She takes the phone from Rachel.)� Hello?� Hi.� I'm sorry about her, but she wasn't wrong about the dirty stuff.
Chandler: (coming from the bedroom) Say goodbye elves, I'm off to Tulsa.
[Flashback to 410 - TOW The Girl From Poughkeepsie] [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing her holiday song.]
Rachel: We are looking for our Christmas presents from Monica.
Molly: No, you stay, I'll do it (takes Emma from Rachel).
Chandler: (yelling from the changing room) All right! I found one that fits!
PHOEBE: [entering the kitchen from the party] That's funny, no. Cadillac, cataract, I get it, no I get it, you stay out there.
Ross: Its from France In Europe Western Europe. Yknow umm, a few years ago I actually was backpacking across Western Europe.
JOEY: (spots the suitcase just inside the door where Chandler left it) Whoa, whoa.� Wait a minute.� Wait a minute.� If you just got back from Tulsa, how did your suitcase beat you here?
Monica: (from inside) Again, you're welcome.
Monica: Alright heres something, it says to try holding the baby close to your body and then swing her rapidly from side to side.
Rachel: Aww. Well, ok, well that's very nice. And you wrote a card (opens the card). "From Gavin"
Ross: OK! Last night after the party I saw Rachel kissing that jerk from her office out on your balcony.
Monica: Oh nothing Im justjust was yawning. (Mimics the groan from before and stretches.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Phoebe are counting the invitations as Chandler exits from the bathroom.]
Joey: Hey!! We are so in luck! Treeger said that we could have all this cool stuff from the basement. Wait right there. (Goes back into the hall)
Ross: What about the guy from the bar?
Chandler: (stopping him from going any further) Before you say anything, have we got a story for you! Guess who we bumped into at dinner!
Joey: She's probably exhausted from all that adorable screaming she did last night.
Ross: I know and I was going to, but I thought it was better that you heard it from Rachels father. Look I I made a mistake, but its only because I really, really like you. Really!
Monica: Hey sweetie. Oh good. (Takes the baking dish from her.)
Monica: Okay, just so you know, I'm gonna be ovulating from tomorrow until the sixth, so don't touch yourself in the next 48 hours.
[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier, Ross is handing Rachel a cup of coffee.]
Cheryl: I'll be right back. Make yourself comfortable. (Ross attempts to clear a place for his coat and fold it small enough to fit. Then hit sits on the couch. Something falls on him from above and he brushes his neck off frantically.)
(She goes into the freezer to get it herself, and leaves the door open. The waiter from earlier comes by and closes the door.)
Joey: I thought you didn't have secrets from Monica.
(They run for Phoebe's purse, Phoebe gets there first and takes the cell. Monica tries to take it away from her)
Joey: Dude! (he opens his arms to receive the ball from Ross' hands)
Monica: Alright, wait a second, why would Ross tell everyone in your class that you are as... (reads from the screen) "gay as the day is long"?
Monica: You are! (she picks up a bill from the table, handing it to Chandler) Hey, here's twenty bucks. -- Why don't you go buy yourself something pretty while I'm at work tomorrow?
Mike: My friend Manny. I asked him to keep me away from you.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Chandler is entering to find Joey bingeing on the food from the fridge. Joey isnt doing all that well.]
(Monica is getting up from the couch)
Rachel: No Phoebe! You cannot get the phone that way; thats not fair! Okay look, I have an idea. Why dont we, why dont we see what kind of number he has on his speed dial, and then from that we can tell who has more in common with him. And then whoever does gets the phone.
Ross: Yeah, I uh, totally forgot about that. You mind if I take a rain check? I'm waiting for a call from Emily.
Joey: You're not gonna let me buy the Knicks?? I can't believe you're taking this away from me!
Monica: Hey that reminds me, I thought we could use some extra luck so I brought a wishbone home from work.
[Scene: A bar.� Rachel and Phoebe are bringing their drinks from the bar to a sofa.]
Phoebe: Oh, you guys! We've got to keep all the tickets together (takes the bowl from Ross and puts it on the table)
Rachel: All right, believe me.If you win the lottery, it's the last you're gonna hear from us!
Joey: Hey, if anybody gets extra tickets, it should be me! This all thing was my idea! (takes the bowl from Monica)
Monica: (she draws out a ticket from a pocket of her pants) 131! (they kiss)
(Joey comes in from the back of the coffee house)
Chandler: Ah, the "I'm sorry I rejected you" phone call. I'm not used to getting it from guys. (on the phone, getting up from the sofa) Hey, Steve.
Monica: You bet! No TV or anything! (she gets up from the sofa and goes to the kitchen area)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica has just gotten back from brunch and is telling Chandler about it.]
Chandler: Yes, you got something from the Screen Actors Guild.
Joey: Right... (pause) ok, so just from the top of the page, right here.
(he picks up the suitcase, which falls open, revealing all the stuff they have taken from the hotel. The receptionist just looks at them.)
[Scene: A random apartment building, Chandler and Monica are knocking on the door of the woman from the beginning.]
Chandler: I also got this great salt and pepper shaker from the restaurant.
Chandler: I got you something from Vermont! (Sits down at the table)
Rachel: (gets up from the sofa and moves to the kitchen but Joey blocks her way) Oh, sorry... Oops, sorry.
Ross: This... this is exactly what I'm talking about. What kind of a guy makes... makes... delicate French cookies, huh? They're not even... butch, manly cookies with... with... you know with... with chunks. (takes a careful bite from the cookie)
(All are returning from the street after picking up dropped lottery tickets)
Rachel: I know them from work.