words in movies
Written by: Doty Abrams Transcribed by: Eric Aasen With Scenes Taken From Episodes Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips, guineapig, Ruth Curran, Josh Hodge, and Me.
Phoebe: (she stops reading from the script) Oh my God.
Joey: Yeah, youre great! Okay, lets take it from
[And with that we go into the save the budget portion of the show, which features flashbacks from previous episodes. The first set of auditions feature high lights or low lights of Joeys acting career. The first flashback is from The One With The Lesbian Wedding.]
Joey: (there's a gunshot on TV) There's my scene, there's my scene. [Joey on tv] "Mrs. Wallace, I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray, your sister's neurosurgeon. I'm afraid the situation is much worse than we expected. Your sister is suffering from a..." (Does the smell-the-fart look.)
[The next flashback is from The One With The Butt. The gang is watching Joey in Freud!]
[The next flashback is also from The One With The Butt and it's also on the soundtrack. He's Joey telling everyone about his big break in Monica and Rachel's apartment.]
Joey: And I know both of them, theyre really good. One of them is the guy from those allergy commercials whos always getting chased by those big flowers
[Thus starts another series of flashbacks all dealing with the pressure the rest of the Friends have to deal with in their jobs. The first flashback is from The One With The Stoned Guy.]
[The next flashback is from The One With The Prom Video. Monica is at a job interview at a new restaurant.]
[The next flashback is from The One With Rachel's Crush.]
[The next flashback is from The One With The Dozen Lasagnas, Phoebe is telling everyone but Rachel about the pass Paulo made on her.]
[The next flashback is from The One With Ross's Sandwich, Ross his confronting his boss about him eating Ross's sandwich.]
Chandler: Oh come on guys, its not like I moved to Europe! I just moved across the hall! And we would have you over all the time if it werent for (struggles to get this out) Monicas allergies. (The duck quacks.) Youre right, I could never lie to you. She hates you. (The phone rings.) Should I get that? (Laughs, then answers the phone.) Hello? (Listens) Uh no, Joeys not here right now. Can I take a message? (Listens) Yeah, okay so the audition has been moved from 5:00 to 2:30? (Listens) Okay great. (Listens.) Bye. (Hangs up the phone and goes to write the message on the Magna-Doodle on the door but Monica walks in and forces him to jump out of the way.)
Chandler: You mean you didnt get it from this?
[Joey just laughs as a third set of flashbacks featuring Chandlers mistakes starts. The first flashback is from The One With The Prom Video. It's Chandler telling Phoebe how much he hates the bracelet Joey bought him. They're both at Central Perk.]
Chandler: You know he coulda gotten me a VCR, he coulda gotten me a set of golf clubs, but no, he has to get me the woman repeller! The eyesore from the Liberace house of crap!
Chandler: Oh, yeah, easy for you to say, you don't have to walk around sporting some reject from the Mr. T collection. [Joey walks in behind Chandler]
[The next flashback is from The One Where Chandler Crosses The Line. He's telling Joey that he kissed Cathy.]
[Chandler proceeds to point out Joeys errors in this forth set of flashbacks. The first flashback is from The One With The Cat. Chandler has just returned home to see that their apartment has been cleaned out and finds Joey trapped in the entertainment center.]
[The next flashback is from The One With The Candy Hearts. Joey and Chandler are waiting at a restaurant as Lorraine and her friend arrive.]
[The next flashback is from The One With Ross's New Girlfriend. Chandler is telling Ross and Joey that Joey's tailor took advantage of him.]
[We then go into another set of flashbacks of famous fights. The first is the second breakup of Ross and Rachel from The One With The Jellyfish.]
Rachel: Yeah! You and that girl from that copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!!
Chandler: (coming out from behind the door) I KNEW IT!!!!
[The next flashback is from The One After The Superbowl, Part II. Monica and Rachel are fighting over who gets to see Jean-Claude Van Damme.]
[The next flashback is from The One Where No One's Ready. Joey is retaliating against Chandler hiding his underwear by wearing a whole bunch of clothes.]
[The next flashback is from The One Where Eddie Moves In. It's the sequence where Joey and Chandler are both saddened that they're not living together anymore. All By Myself is playing in the background.]
Chandler: Joey? Got you a Joey Special, two pizzas! Joe? (The phone rings and he answers it) (On phone) Hello? (Takes the phone away from his mouth when he realizes what he just did and yells.) Damnit! (Back on phone.) Hello? (Listens.) No, Joeys not here right now, but I can take a message I think. (Listens) Hes still got a chance for the part?! Oh, thats great news! (Listens) Well no obviously not for the actor who was mauled by his dog. (Listens) Oh well, thats great. I will give Joey the message. Thank you! (Hangs up and goes to write the message on the Magna-Doodle.) Yes! (Reading what hes writing) Okay, Mac audition at 2:00. Allergy actor attacked. (Pause) By dog not flowers.
[What follows is the final set of flashbacks that feature a whole lot of lovin between Chandler and Joey. Theres no words, just hugs and even the kiss from The One With The Monkey. All of this is set to the song, Youve Really Got a Hold on Me!]
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey and Phoebe are reading a scene from Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.]
(Suddenly Ross jumps up from behind the counter armed with a plastic gun. By the way, hes overacting too.)
Monica: (entering from her room) Phoebe! (Motions for the earrings. Phoebe gives her the one-minute sign.)
[Scene: a NYU lecture hall, the scene is continued from earlier, only Ross has dismissed the class and is now talking to Monica and Rachel.]
Phoebe: Okay! (Runs that way and hears another whistle blast.) Hey! (Heads the other way and hears another blast.) What do I do?!! (She runs in the second direction and finds that the whistling is coming from inside a rack. She moves the dresses out of the way to find Rachel curled up in a fetal position frantically blowing on the whistle.) What are you doing? (Rachel doesnt stop.) Did you find the dress? (Rachel wont stop so Phoebe pinches her nose shut which causes her to spit the whistle out.)
[The next one is from Episode 401: The One With The Jellyfish, where Monica, Joey, and Chandler are relating that tragic day they spent on the beach.]
[Scene: The hallway between the two apartments, Pete and Monica are returning from their date.]
Chandler: Little baby girl Chandler, where I have heard that before? Oh right, Coach Ruben. (Tries to get her to drink a little more from the bottle when he suddenly smells something. Its times like these Im glad Smell-O-Vision hasnt been invented.) Do you know what Pheebs? When youre done over there, we kinda have a situation over here too. (Phoebe is changing hers.)
(Thudding sounds can be heard from the bedroom.)
Phoebe: I know her! I bought homemade soap from her at a Dead show!
Ross: Okay. (He leans in to kiss her again, but she leans back preventing him from making contact.) Wow, its-its 5:30 in the morning. (Rachel laughs) So, Id better get cracking on this baby.
[Scene: Joey and now Rachel's apartment, Joey has the fridge pulled out away from the wall and is in the process of pulling off the cooling grate behind it.]
Monica: Oh, whatd ya bring me?! (She opens the gift) Awww, hotel toiletries from Japan. Oh, these are gonna go in my permanent collection. You want some coffee?
Chip: Oh yeah, I still hang with Simmons and Zana, y'know. I see Spindler a lot. Devane, Kelly, and I run into Goldie from time to time. Steve Brown, Zuchoff, McGwire, J.T., Breadsly.
Monica: A jazz trio for cocktails. The Bay City Rollers for dancing. Wait, that was from my sixth grade wedding.
Mrs. Bing: Car's waiting downstairs, I just wanted to drop off these copies of my book for your friends. Anything you want from Lisbon?
JOEY: Pretty good. It's like you said. It's mostly just putting numbers from one column into another column.
Monica: I just checked my messages, and he said that when he gets back from Atlanta, we need to talk.
(Rachel takes the ball from his hands and bounces it off of Rosss forehead and Chandler catches the rebound.)
Chandler: No no no! Look, Carol, can I call you Carol? (Pause) Wh-why would I when your name is Elaine? Oh what a great picture of your son, strapping! (She glares at him.) Thats a picture of your daughter, isnt it, well shes lovely. I like a girl with a strong jaw. Ill call you from Tulsa. (Exits.)
Rachel: Wow! Have you ever rescued anyone from a burning building before?
Mr. Oberblau: I'm just saying, I have a cabin in the Adirondacks if you ever want to get away from the city, well, that'd be (pause) just nifty!
(He opens his present to find Phoebes sock bunny from earlier.)
Monica: And-and-and if I die, from a long illness. And youre writing out my eulogy and you open a desk drawer and you find a note from me that says, "I will always be with you," and you still cant shed one tiny tear, I know youll be crying a river inside.
Chandler: Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the 50's.
Chandler: (looking at the answering machine) Hey, there's two messages. These could be from work!
ROSS: No look I wasn''t right, that's what I came here to tell you. I was totally hung up on, on my own stuff. Listen, I'm someone who needs the whole security thing, ya know. To know exactly where my next paycheck is coming from buy you, you don't need that and that's amazing to me. I could never do what you do Joey.
Carol: (running over and grabbing the phone away from Ross) (on phone) Phoebe, hang on a second. (Hands Ross her keys) Here, take my car, go pick up your friends.
Joey: Ah. (Joey walks to Chandlers bag by getting as far away from Chandlers bed as possible.)
(Chandler struts out from his apartment)
Chandler: Okay! Okay! Everybody down! Everybody down! (Rachel turns off the lights and everyone crouches. As everyone crouches, a ripping noise erupts from the assemblage.)
Phoebe: That sucks! That's not a trip! I just came from the park! What are we gonna high five about at the stupid Central Park? "Well, it's right by my house, all right!"
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is working on her book at the kitchen table, Monica is on the couch, and Chandler is entering from the bathroom carrying a package of toilet paper.]
Phoebe: (she takes the bowl from Rachel's hands and she starts running around the room and yelling) OOOOOHHHHH!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, (now) Joey is watching Baywatch, as Chandler enters from his bedroom.]
Rachel: Listen yknow what sir? For the last time, I dont care what the computer says, we did not take a bag of Mashuga nuts from the mini-bar and we did not watch Dr. Do-Me-A-Little!
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Joey: And, a brownie! (Hands her a bag with the brownie in it.) Well, half a brownie. Actually, its just bag. Its been a long walk from the flower shop and I was startin to feel faint so
Joey: Hey little buddy, how are you feeling? (The duck does not get sick and Joey recoils in horror and heads for the couch.) What the hell is in that face cream? (Hes about to try out the couch but notices the bed in Rachels room. He walks into her room and feels the bed.) Thats so soft. (He pulls back the comforter.) Pillowcases! (He climbs in and groans in delight. Suddenly, he feels something under him and pulls out a little beat up paperback book. He opens it and starts to read from it.) (In his head.) Zelda looked at the chimney sweep. Her father, the vicar (Stops reading and thinks.) The vicar? (Continues reading) wouldnt be home for hours. Her loins were burning. She threw caution to the wind and reached out and grabbed his (Out loud.) Whoa! (Reads on in silence.) Whoa-ho-ho-ho! This is a dirty book! (Continues to read.)
(Phoebe smiles, when Joey takes her face in his hands and kisses her. Joey gets up to leave but stops suddenly. Phoebe silently shouts "Oh, whoa!!" to herself, and leans back in the sofa to recover, a hand to her tingling lips. A thoughtful Joey is also feeling his lips, so he hesitates for a moment, then returns for a better view, he thinks again, cocking his head from side to side to regard her profile from various angles, then...)
[Scene: Another restaurant. Rachel is studying the menu together with her date, Steve. Steve is the stoned restaurateur from 115 TOW the Stoned Guy.]
[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]
Sarah: They are delicious (takes a few from the plate, puts one in her mouth and places the rest on her plate, then starts to reach over to Joey's platter again)
Joey: How could I not get the part? The play was about a 29-year-old Italian actor from Queens.
Rachel: Oh my God. Oh my God Ross, no, hang up the phone, give me the phone Ross, give me the phone, give me the phone, give me the. . . (She jumps the couch and lands on Ross's back, finally getting the phone from him. Ross has a confused expression on his face.)
[Scene: A newsstand, Phoebe is looking at a magazine as the guy from before walks by and picks up a newspaper.]
Joey: Yeah, I guess it is. And so Im gonna get on this spaceship, (Smoke starts pouring in from the ceiling, and a ladder comes down, with flashing, colored lights on the side of it) and Im gonna go to Blargon 7 in search of alternative fuels. But when I return, 200 years from now, youll be long gone. But I wont have aged at all. (Gets on the ladder) So you tell your great-great-granddaughter to look me up, because Adrienne baby Im gonna want to meet her.
Joey: The big deal is that it is the exact equal distance from the bathroom to the kitchen and its at the perfect angle so you dont get any glare coming of off Stevie.
Ross: Well, when you're subletting an apartment from your wife's cousin and then you get a divorce, sometimes the cousin suddenly wants his apartment back.
Phoebe: No, no, no, I actually it's any baby animals: kittens, fish babies... You know... especially veal... and this, this nice vein of fat running through it... (she cuts the meat, picks it up with her fork and holds it in front of her mouth, which she keeps closed, trying to overcome her vegetarian thoughts... and... puts it in her mouth... Clearly not enjoying the meat...) Hmmm... yummy (everybody seems okay with it, except Mike. He's making a hmmmm.... face... Then Phoebe swallows it) Hmmm... (at first she likes it, but then, in an instant puts her hand in front of her mouth and runs from the table. You hear a door slamming.)
Joey: (angrily and monotone) Any one of the brilliant actresses nominated for this award tonight deserves to take it home. Unfortunately only one can. (Shakes his head in disgust.) The nominees for Best Supporting Actress are from Passions Erin Goff. (There is applause, which Joey disgustedly waits to dye out.) From One Life to Live Mary Loren Bishop (They start to applaud again, but Joey interrupts in with the rest of the nominees), from All My Children Sarah Mchann, and from Days of Our Lives Jessica Ashley. And the winner is (Opens the envelope) Jessica Ashley from Days of Our Lives. (Applause) Uh, unfortunately Jessica couldnt be with us tonight so Ill be accepting this award on her behalf. (Realizes something) And Im sure that Jessica would like to thank my parents who always believed in me. Shed also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel whos sittin right there! (Points at Rachel.) (The music starts and his microphone is turned off, this angers Joey again and he disgustedly exits.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is recovering from her haircut, Phoebe is playing her doctor and is coming in from the bedroom.]
Monica: (running from the bathroom to her room, wearing only a towel) Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! Not yet! (gets to her room and closes the door, as Rachel gets up to answer the door.)
[The next clip is from The One With The East German Laundry Detergent.]
[Scene: The hallway and stairs outside Chandler and Monica's apartment.� Chandler enters from the stairs.� Joey is sitting with a baseball bat.]
Joey: (entering) Thats my line! (He walks up the aisle and to the rabbi) I can take it from here, thanks. (To all) Dearly beloved, Im sorry Im a little late. You may be confused by this now, (Hes still in costume) but you wont be Memorial Day weekend 2002. Well, lets get started before the groom takes off again. Huh? (Monica is shocked and looks around.) We are gathered here today, to join this man and this woman in the bonds of holy matrimony. Ive known Monica and Chandler for a long time, and I can not imagine two people more perfect for each other. And now, as Ive left my notes in my dressing room. We shall proceed to the vows. Monica?
Joey: No! Forget it! OkayI mean thanks, but Im done taking money from you. All right, I can take of myself. Now, whats next? Come on.
(inside Chandlers apartment, Chandler is coming in from his bedroom, sees Mr. Heckles, and screams.)
Joey: Now go! Cause you can still catch her! And Merry Christmas from youre secret Santa! (Chandler runs out and closes the door.)
Monica: Yeah, but he wants to talk to you before anything really happens with her. And as his friend, I mean, don't you think he deserves the same from you?
[Scene: The hospital. Rachel is pouring her self a cup of coffee. Ross approaches from behind.]
(We hear a noise coming from Monica and Rachels apartment.)
[Cut to Joey and Rachel's, with the giant entertainment center Joey is exiting from his room.]
Joey: Yeah, and Im a little tired from digging the hole.
Ross: Okay, for instance. Let's say, Janice is coming back from a trip and she gives you two options. Option number 1 she'll take a cab home from the airport. Option 2 is you can meet her at baggage claim. Which do you do?
[This starts a series of flashbacks; the first one is from Episode 106: The One With The Butt, Joey is in a play called Freud!.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is entering and Mona from the wedding recognizes him.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is on the phone, Chandler and Monica are sitting in the living room, and Ross is in the kitchen as Rachel enters from her bedroom.]
ROSS: Hello.� (listens)� Ah, no, she's not here right now.� Can I take a message?� (grabs a pad and pen)� Bill from the bar?� (writes)� Okay, "Bill from the bar."� I'll make sure she gets your number.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's kitchen. Ross got a beer from the refrigerator and opens the bottle. Rachel now also enters the kitchen.]
Rachel: Okay! (Picks up the phone and starts dialing.) (In an Irish accent) "Hello Ross, this is Dr. McNeeley from the Fake Accent University, wed like you to come on board with us full time! (Hangs up.)
(Joey slides a plate away from Monica towards Chandler, who hides it under the table.)
Monica: Honey! Do you know that none of that stuff came from me?! I mean I never said I wanted to have babies and get married right now!
Ross: What? Oh, okay. Wait here. (Goes to get it, but before he gets there Aunt Millie sits down on it forcing him to pull it out from behind her which gets her attention.)
Ross: (entering from the bathrooms) Hey Chandler, what are you doing tonight?
PHOEBE: Well, I mean, I'm not married married, ya know, he's just a friend and he's gay and he's just from Canada and he just needed a green card.
Rachel: Oh, really, really good. But enough about me, come on! Where-where are you from? What do you do?
Mike: Phoebe, I love you. I mean, I missed you so much these last few months and I thought we were apart for a good reason, but then I suddenly realized that there was no reason good enough to keep me from spending the rest of my life with you.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey returns from his audition and finds everyone but Phoebe there.]
(Chandler and Monica enter from their room and Joey quickly hides the bag of potato chips behind his back.)
[Scene: Allesandros, continued from earlier. The other waiters are gone and Monica is confronting Joey about his not speaking up.]
Phoebe: Whoa-whoa-whoa! No drinks near the bucket! Set it down over there and then you can make a contribution! (The guy starts to walk away with a hurt look on his face.) And you can leave the hurt bunny look over there too! (Her boss and a co-worker walk up.) Hi Bob! (The same old lady from before walks bye.) (To the old lady.) I thought I told you to get outta here!
Mr Zelner: (Takes a long look at the egg while he considers it) Wow, that's pretty cool (Takes the egg from Ross)
Monica: Do you hear something? (Chandlers stands up and goes to the door to look out from the peephole)
Chandler: Yes, well, I expect this from her. Okay? She's always been a Freudian nightmare.
Joey: More back talk. And yes, I may be borrowing a few lines from my recent unsuccessful audition for "Family Honor 2: Thissa Time Itsa Personal."
Phoebe: Yes, yes I do. God, oh its just perfect! Wow! I bet it has a great story behind it too. Did they tell you anything? Like yknow where it was from or
RACHEL: Yeah, I mean, you know it, I mean, if it were me I, I, you know, I'd want you to, I don't know, like catch me off guard, you know, with like a really good kiss, you know really, sort of um, soft at first, then maybe um brush the hair away from my face, and look far into my eyes in a way that let's me know that something amazing is about to happen.
Monica: Me? What are you talking about? Nobody could steal me from you. I mean, just because I'm friends with her doesn't make me any less friends with you. I mean, (starting to cry) you're my...We're, we're...Oh, I love you.
(Ursula picks up a fork and begins eating the meat, while Phoebe removes a present from her bag.)
(She starts checking her form. Chandler sees movement near the window from the corner of his eye and when he looks he spots Joey climbing up the fire escape and onto their balcony. He warns Monica silently.)
(She starts walking across the darkened room and hits her head on a wind chime hanging from the ceiling, to stop it from making a noise she grabs it and Shhhs it. She goes into the kitchen and finds Phoebe Sr.s appointment book, to read it she opens the freezer. Just as she starts to read, Phoebe Sr. jumps out from her bedroom with a coat hanger, startling Phoebe.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is entering from the bedroom carrying two bags of luggage.]
(Joey is sitting in an armchair and wearing a diving mask. He pulls out a grape from a bunch of fake grapes on the coffee table, puts it on the snorkel's breathing tube and blows it out, then giggles to himself)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are hosting a New Year's party. So the place is crowded and in a shameless promotion for NBC they're watching Jay Leno's coverage of New Year's from Time Square.]
Joey: (excitedly) Can I come?! I wont even talk! Youll just hear the noise from my video camera.
(Joey, whose new diet is working out great, he looks like he only weighs 375 down from 420 enters from the bedroom.)
[Scene: The street in front of Central Perk. Rachel and Steve are walking home from their date. Steve is sobbing.]
Chandler: It's "Ride of the Valkyries" from "Apocalypse Now"... See, here's the thing: The corn rose were really a solution to your frizzy hair problem. And now that we're home, we don't have that problem anymore, so if you think about it... I hate them!
Joey: Hey Chandler, while you were sleeping that guy from your old job called again.
Ross: All right then. (Gets up, in an announcers voice) Rachel Green! Lets play Bamboozled! (Reading from a note card.) How do you test the temperature of the babys bath water?
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is cooking, Joey is eating, and Chandler is entering from the bedroom.]