words in movies
Joey: Ohh-oh, wasnt he cheating on you with her?
Rachel: Yeah, but that just means that he was falling asleep on top of her instead of me.
Rachel: Well, apparently she caught him cheating on her with someone else. Isnt that sad? (Giggles.) God, could you imagine if I actually married him?! I mean how different would my life be?
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Ross: (recognizing her) Oh my God! Rachel Green?
Ross: Good-good, Im-Im married. (Shows her his ring.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Fat Monica, and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch. Monicas boyfriend is getting up to get something. For future reference, for the rest of this episode Monicas fat, I wont be calling her Fat Monica throughout.]
Monica's Boyfriend: (kisses her) Okay.
Joey: Thats an idea! (To Chandler) Hey, if I hired an assistant, would-would you take money from her?
Phoebe: Ohh thats so sweet! (Her cell phone rings.) Oh! Hang on! (Quickly grabs a cigarette and starts to light it as her phone rings.) Hang onnnnnn!!! (Gets the cigarette lighted and answers the phone.) (On phone.) Go!! No! No-no! I said sell when it hits 50! 5-0, its a number! It comes after 4-9!! No, its okay. Its okay, youre allowed one mistake. Just kidding, you are of course fired.
Monica: (gets up and gasps) Oh my God! Rachel!! (Rachel is stunned to see that her long lost friend is still fat.) (Monica goes over and gives Rachel a big bear hug, which is quite easy for her.) You look terrific!
Ross: And thats Phoebe over there! (Points to her.)
Joey: (holding a plate of what looks like Rice Crispies Treats) I know, here-here!! (Hands her the plate.)
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Phoebes cell phone rings and she goes through her little routine of lighting a cigarette before answering the phone.]
[Scene: A hospital, Phoebe is recovering from her heart attack as Ross, Monica, and Chandler are there to comfort and support her.]
Phoebe: I dont know. You could tie her up, she could tie you up; you could eat stuff off each other
Phoebe: Yeah! Or too, you could be two stockbrokers and youre-youre-youre rolling around naked on the trading floor and everybodys watching! (Ross looks at her.) It never happened.
Monica: Wait a minute! (Quickly checks her pockets and pulls out ) My last Kit-Kat bar!
Ross: Come on. (Helps her into bed as her phone rings.) I got it.
(He does a kara-tay move to silence her, then answers the phone.)
[Scene: Rachel and Barrys bedroom, Rachel is watching Days of Our Lives. Of course its a Dr. Drake Remoray scene. Its set in a hospital room, and Dr. Wesley and a nurse are talking about a female patient with a bandage around her head.]
Nurse: Youve done all you can Dr. Wesley. You have got to let her go.
Monica: (handing her a cup) Here you go sweetie.
Chandler: No, the doctors say it may kill her.
Chandler: (To Ross) But I think we should tell her.
Rachel: Pat the dog. Oh! Oh! I get it!! (Laughs and finishes her drink.)
Rachel: Oh, I probably shouldntso I will! (Joey starts making her refill and Rachel notices that rain thing Joey has.) Oh! Wow! Its like its raining!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is pouring wine for her boyfriend, Dr. Roger.]
Susan: (not taking her eyes off Carol) Hello Ross. (Takes off her coat and hands it to him.) I love what youve done with this space.
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Rachel is now three sheets to the wind and Joey is watching her.]
(He takes her hands in his and kisses each one, then kisses her on the lips. When the break the kiss, Rachel starts to get nauseous and throw up. Joey backs away in horror.)
Monica: I have no moves. (He moves in to kiss her and she laughs and backs away.) Okay, whatcha doin there?! (Giggles.) Oh yknow what? Im sorry, this is just too weird.
[Scene: Monicas bedroom, she has just lost her flower to Chandler.]
Rachel: But I thought that ring stood for Caprices undying love for her brother.
[Scene: Phoebes hospital room, Joey and Ross enter as Phoebe comes out of the bathroom wearing her robe.]
(She goes out into the hall and when shes there and the door is closed; she rips off her robe to reveal her work clothes.)
Phoebe: Lets go! Come on! Move it! (Grabs her coat.) Come on! (To an old man whos holding her shoes and briefcase.) Shoes! Briefcase! (Takes them both.) Thanks Lou, good luck with the gall bladder. (She leaves.)
[Cut back to her room, Joey and Ross are sitting there waiting for her.]
[Scene: Rachel and Barrys bedroom, Rachel is returning from her disastrous attempt at an affair to find that Barry was much, much more successful with his.]
Jack: (approaches her) Phoebe, listen
Jack: Take it easy. (Sits her down.)
Ross: Uh, in her defense, shes right. I am stronger. I would destroy you.
Dr. Green: Who is the father? Oh no! Please dont tell me its her! (Points at Phoebe.)
Monica: Okay! I will! Mrs. Green? Mrs. Green! (She ignores Monica and Monica follows her out into the hall with Phoebe in tow.) It is rude to leave a party without saying good-bye to the host! Yeah, and-and also when someone apologizes to you the decent thing to do is to accept it! Now what I did to you, it wasnt on purpose! But what youre during to me now is just plain spiteful!
Ross: Well I I havent actually told her yet. I dont want to scare her off, yknow?
Monica: Wow! Wow! And its definitely all gone? Theres nothing there to work with? (Joey glares at her.) What were you thinking?
Ross: No, its not what I want either. I mean I-I cant force myself to fall in love with her again now.
Ross: All right then. (Follows her in and checks the place out.)
Caitlin: Y'know what? That's okay, you guys have ordered so many that this one is on me! (Runs for her life.)
Ross: (to Mona) Oh but not that way. I mean I mean Im not in love with her. I love her like a, like a friend.
Joey: Maybe Monicas playing a joke on ya. Yknow? Getting her own husband a hooker, thats pretty funny.
[Scene: Phoebes, Frank and her, are sitting on the counh, watching TV]
Ross: Oh I know, isn't it? Ooh... what'd you do to get her to laugh?
Joey: You shut up! (To Phoebe and Rachel) I love arguing with her. (To Erin) Ill be right back.
Chandler: (angrily) Did she call? You-you told her I was sick right? Always tell her I am sick!
Rachel: All right, I promise. Ill fix this. I swear. Ill-Ill-Ill-Ill talk to her.
Phoebe: Ohh! All right! All right. Heres what well do, Ill get twice as drunk as Monica and then no ones will even notice her.
Phoebe: (running up) Okay. Okay, heres what were gonna do. Okay, Im gonna break into this mini-van and put it in neutral. You guys push it forward so Ross can drive out of his spot. Okay? All right, here we go. (She opens her coat and reveals that thing car thieves use to break into cars as Ross jumps in behind the wheel. She inserts the device, unlocks the door, opens it, and the alarm goes off.) Haul ass!!!! (Runs off.)
Monica: I swear I didnt know she was a hooker! I mean whDid you let her smoke in here?
Monica: You go back out there and you seduce her till she cracks!
Rachel: (looking at her fingers) Oh my God! Let me see that! (Grabs the book from him.)
Monica: Fine. Im just glad I didnt give her my secret ingredient.
Will: Nope. Uh, its okay. Its just uh, God I hated her.
[Scene: A grocery store that Janice shops in. Chandler is on purpose, accidentally bumping into her.]
Will: You went out with her?! We had a pact!
Rachel: Umm, okay. But while you dial, let me show you the features of my new ringing handbag. (Rachel dials her phone and Phoebes bag starts to ring.) Oh, it does work! (Rachel grabs the phone and takes it out of Phoebes handbag.)
(Joey is now looking at Rachel, and since Rachels standing and hes sitting down and hes not looking at her face You get the picture.)
Chandler: (To Monica) Wow! Listen, we had a good run. What was it? Four? Five months? I mean, that's more than most people have in a lifetime! So, good-bye, take care, bye-bye then! (He kisses her and starts to climb out the balcony window.)
Rachel: Ohh, theres a picture of her in the yearbook actually.
Chandler: Well, she probably wasnt familiar with the process having spent most of her life sitting for oil paintings!
Monica: (to Chandler) Hey, you think, you can keep it another night? (She has a really teasing look on her face and keeps twirling Chandler's beard.)
Will: Hold on! You got her pregnant?
Theodore: I can't imagine what he sees in her.
Chandler: She had a point. (Shows her the receipt.)
Joey: Okay, so will you meet with her?
Rachel: Oh thank you! (Wiping her nose.) Oh God! (She throws it out.) Can I have another one?
Rachel: Yes! Id love to! Have her come by the office.
[Scene: Monicas Restaurants Kitchen, shes cooking as one of her waiters, Stu, comes over to talk to her.]
Chandler: (spotting her) Oh-hey-hey-hey! There you are!
(Rachel waves her hands in disgust and starts to head for her room.)
Trudie Styler: Hi! (By the way, its actually her.)
CHANDLER: Wow, it sounds even cooler when somebody else says it. I was awesome, ok? She was biting her lip to stop from screaming.
Mike: All right, stop! You know, all Phoebe has done tonight is trying to get you to like her. And maybe that hasn't been clear all the time, but she did her best. And yeah... She's a little different than you are...
Rachel: I know, I lied! I didnt want her to think I was a terrible mother! I cant even see my own baby!
Rachel: (To Dina) Really? (Nods her head at Bobby.)
Phoebe: Okay, so maybe you dont get her a ring. Maybe you-maybe you do something different. Yknow? Maybe you get her an engagement bracelet, yknow? Or an engagement tiara? Orooh! An engagement Revolutionary War musket! (Picks one up from the display in the corner.
Rachel: Yknow what, I-I have to go talk to her, would you let me just get changed?
Rachel: So forcing her to marry Bobby is gonna make that happen?
Phoebe: The Police? Here? A reunion?! (She gets out her camera.)
Rachel: Now, now the one in the feather boa, that's Dr. Francis. Now, she used to be a man. Okay, now look, see, there's Raven. We hate her. We're glad she's dying. Okay- (Marcel pushes down a cushion to reveal a shoe) Wh- wh- Marcel, are you playing with Monica's shoes? You know you're not supposed to pl- whoah. Marcel, did you poo in the shoe? (Takes the shoe into the kitchen) Marcel, bad monkey! Oh! Oh! (She notices the newsletter and taps the contents of the shoes onto it, then folds it shut) Sorry, Barry. Little engagement gift. I'm sure you didn't register for that. (She leaves the apartment holding the newsletter at arm's length. However, she leaves the door open. Marcel runs out in the opposite direction. There is a shot from the TV and Rachel runs back in) Who died? Who died? Roll him over! Oh, c'mon, roll him over! Oh...! Well, we know it wasn't Dexter, right Marcel? Because- (Looks down and notices he is missing) Marcel? Marc- (Notices the open door)
Chandler: Ill take it! All right look, I gotta know. Are you finished with me? (Janice shakes her head no) Are you finished with him? (Janice shakes her head no) Do you still love him? (Janice shakes her head yes) Do you still love me? (Janice shakes her head yes) All right look, (grabs the bag) Im gonna need an actual answer here okay, so which is it, him or me? (his phone starts to ring)
Monica: (entering quickly) Shes a hooker! Shes a hooker! Shes a (Stops as she sees her.) Hi! Uh, we spoke on the phone. (Goes and shakes the hookers hand.)
Chandler: (on phone) Laundry. Huh. Is that my new nickname? (Rachel is absolutely stunned, she opens her mouth in absolute amazement.)
Phoebe: Oh. Okay, well I-I was kinda hoping that I would just be alone yknow to think about my mom and her suicide.
Monica: Making her a mixed tape?
Rachel: Okay get your coat! (They get their coats and start to leave. Rachel suddenly stops and sticks the hand up the back of her shirt.) Oh! When did you unhook this? (Her bra.) Nice work!
Phoebe: Give her a key to your apartment.
Monica: Like asking her to move in with you?
Chandler: Oh uh well tomorrows no good for her either.
Rachel: You gave her a key to your apartment?!
(They both go into their rooms and after a little while Rachel pokes her head into the living room.)
Rachel: Oh, right. Sorry. But Tag's not coming; his girlfriend came into town, so he's spending Thanksgiving with her.
Chandler: Well, she seems very nice and everything, but that whole thing about her coming all the way down here, just to see if I was okay? I mean,... how needy is that?
Joey: No, Im picking you up for our date. These are for you. (Hands her some flowers.)
Monica: You go back out there and you seduce her till she cracks!
Joey: Yknow what? Bring her both, and Ill have the same. (The waitress leaves.)
Phoebe: Oh I do! (She grabs her huge purse and starts rummaging through it and taking out various items in a futile search for the gum.) Oh, yknow what? No. (Pause) Wait a second. (She removes a bag filled with water that has a goldfish swimming in it.) I know its in here somewhere.
Rachel: (closes her magazine) Can I get you some water?
Joey: Oh. (She kisses him.) Yeah. (She goes into her room.) Me to. (He then starts to freak out.)
Monica: Dont touch her!!
Monica: Really! That long?! (Chandler slowly turns and looks at her.) (To Chandler) Look all you want, its happening!
Chandler: One more score to go! You can do it! (Touches her shoulder.)
Joey: Oh yeah, sure. (She gets up, walks towards the bathroom, and Joey watches her go.) Ehhh.
Chandler: I will explain it to her.
Rachel: (coming from her room) Hi, sweetie.
Chandler: Yeah, she was at Rockefeller Center skating with her husband, she looked so happy. I almost feel bad for whipping that kids pretzel at them.
Joey: This is so exciting for her. Well, Ill let you two fash ists get down to business. (Exits.)
Rachel: (on tape) (Ross hands her a glass of wine) I cannot believe that I did this. Especially after Monica just went on and on and on about it! (Mimicking Monica) "Okay Rachel! Here are the invitations Rachel! Now be very careful Rachel! Please, drinking no liquids around the invitations Rachel!" (She tilts her wine glass above and moves it back and forth across the invitations) Whoa oh! Oh-oh-oh! Oh oh-oh-oh
Chandler: (To Monica) You told her?!
Phoebe: Oh, en chante. (She holds out her hand for him to kiss it, but he only shakes it.)
Joey: (slowly turning and glaring at her) Shes not even cold yet!
Rachel: Oh, okay! (She goes over to him and he feels her belly.)
Ross: Come on. These people'll scooch down. You guys'll scooch, won't you? Let's try scooching! Come on. Come on. Uh, Kristen Riggs, this is Carol Willick. Carol, Kristin. Uh, Carol teaches sixth grade. And, Kristin, Kristin...(struggling)...does something that, funnily enough, wasn't even her major!
Chandler: Veronica. Look, its got to be Veronica, the girl in the red skirt. I definitely stuck my tongue down her throat.
Rachel: No, she was already in, but then this big bitch behind me tried to steal my umbrella, so I clocked her. Ohhh! I cant believe this, all I wanted was a few hours outside of work to see Joshua, so he can go ahead and start falling in love with me.
Rachel: I-I forgot my underwear. (Ross lets her go.)
Ross: (To Joey) So, thanks so much for bringing her to the hospital.
Rachel: You are not. You have never been able to break up with her.
Mike: So what? I mean if even I can get past that, it shouldn't bother you. And you don't have to like her. You just have to accept the fact that I do. I mean, if you even can't be civil to the woman I love...
Rachel: Oh my God .Whats he gonna do now? I cant watch! (Drags Joey closer to her and cowers into his chest.) Oh. Seriously, how can you watch this? Arent you scared?
Ross: I cant believe this! I shouldnt be the one making her throw up!
ROSS: (entering from Rachel's bedroom) Come on out, honey! I'm telling you look good! (turns around, and under his breath, to the rest of the guys) Tell her she looks good, tell her she looks good.
Ross: Oh no-no-no, were just two people who happen to run into each other here at the coffee house. (He winks at her.)
<Amy grabs her arms>
Ross: I think Chandlers gone. (He hands her the note.)
Ross: Oh! ...Yeah, they were gross. Oh, you know what I loved? Her Sweet 'n' Los. How she was always stealing them from- from restaurants.
Monica: (from her bedroom) Okay! Ill be right out. Im slipping into something a little less comfortable, and a little more slutty.
Mona: Cant we just ask her to go?
Monica: (entering from her bedroom) So what do you think? (referring to her outfit)
Phoebe: Okay. (They shake hands and she pulls away suddenly) Oh my God! What did I ever do to you?! (Rubbing her hand.)
Chandler: See, honey, theres(puts his hand on her leg)