words in movies
Joey: Ohh-oh, wasnt he cheating on you with her?
Rachel: Yeah, but that just means that he was falling asleep on top of her instead of me.
Rachel: Well, apparently she caught him cheating on her with someone else. Isnt that sad? (Giggles.) God, could you imagine if I actually married him?! I mean how different would my life be?
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Ross: (recognizing her) Oh my God! Rachel Green?
Ross: Good-good, Im-Im married. (Shows her his ring.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Fat Monica, and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch. Monicas boyfriend is getting up to get something. For future reference, for the rest of this episode Monicas fat, I wont be calling her Fat Monica throughout.]
Monica's Boyfriend: (kisses her) Okay.
Joey: Thats an idea! (To Chandler) Hey, if I hired an assistant, would-would you take money from her?
Phoebe: Ohh thats so sweet! (Her cell phone rings.) Oh! Hang on! (Quickly grabs a cigarette and starts to light it as her phone rings.) Hang onnnnnn!!! (Gets the cigarette lighted and answers the phone.) (On phone.) Go!! No! No-no! I said sell when it hits 50! 5-0, its a number! It comes after 4-9!! No, its okay. Its okay, youre allowed one mistake. Just kidding, you are of course fired.
Monica: (gets up and gasps) Oh my God! Rachel!! (Rachel is stunned to see that her long lost friend is still fat.) (Monica goes over and gives Rachel a big bear hug, which is quite easy for her.) You look terrific!
Ross: And thats Phoebe over there! (Points to her.)
Joey: (holding a plate of what looks like Rice Crispies Treats) I know, here-here!! (Hands her the plate.)
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Phoebes cell phone rings and she goes through her little routine of lighting a cigarette before answering the phone.]
[Scene: A hospital, Phoebe is recovering from her heart attack as Ross, Monica, and Chandler are there to comfort and support her.]
Phoebe: I dont know. You could tie her up, she could tie you up; you could eat stuff off each other
Phoebe: Yeah! Or too, you could be two stockbrokers and youre-youre-youre rolling around naked on the trading floor and everybodys watching! (Ross looks at her.) It never happened.
Monica: Wait a minute! (Quickly checks her pockets and pulls out ) My last Kit-Kat bar!
Ross: Come on. (Helps her into bed as her phone rings.) I got it.
(He does a kara-tay move to silence her, then answers the phone.)
[Scene: Rachel and Barrys bedroom, Rachel is watching Days of Our Lives. Of course its a Dr. Drake Remoray scene. Its set in a hospital room, and Dr. Wesley and a nurse are talking about a female patient with a bandage around her head.]
Nurse: Youve done all you can Dr. Wesley. You have got to let her go.
Monica: (handing her a cup) Here you go sweetie.
Chandler: No, the doctors say it may kill her.
Chandler: (To Ross) But I think we should tell her.
Rachel: Pat the dog. Oh! Oh! I get it!! (Laughs and finishes her drink.)
Rachel: Oh, I probably shouldntso I will! (Joey starts making her refill and Rachel notices that rain thing Joey has.) Oh! Wow! Its like its raining!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is pouring wine for her boyfriend, Dr. Roger.]
Susan: (not taking her eyes off Carol) Hello Ross. (Takes off her coat and hands it to him.) I love what youve done with this space.
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Rachel is now three sheets to the wind and Joey is watching her.]
(He takes her hands in his and kisses each one, then kisses her on the lips. When the break the kiss, Rachel starts to get nauseous and throw up. Joey backs away in horror.)
Monica: I have no moves. (He moves in to kiss her and she laughs and backs away.) Okay, whatcha doin there?! (Giggles.) Oh yknow what? Im sorry, this is just too weird.
[Scene: Monicas bedroom, she has just lost her flower to Chandler.]
Rachel: But I thought that ring stood for Caprices undying love for her brother.
[Scene: Phoebes hospital room, Joey and Ross enter as Phoebe comes out of the bathroom wearing her robe.]
(She goes out into the hall and when shes there and the door is closed; she rips off her robe to reveal her work clothes.)
Phoebe: Lets go! Come on! Move it! (Grabs her coat.) Come on! (To an old man whos holding her shoes and briefcase.) Shoes! Briefcase! (Takes them both.) Thanks Lou, good luck with the gall bladder. (She leaves.)
[Cut back to her room, Joey and Ross are sitting there waiting for her.]
[Scene: Rachel and Barrys bedroom, Rachel is returning from her disastrous attempt at an affair to find that Barry was much, much more successful with his.]
Jack: (approaches her) Phoebe, listen
Jack: Take it easy. (Sits her down.)
ALL: [congradulating her and celebrating]
Rachel: Okay... aahhh... Please laugh for mommy... Please? Please laugh for mommy... (Rachel makes a funny face, sticking her tongue out, making a farting noise and using her hands as antlers, wiggling her fingers... No response from Emma...) Not funny huh? Oh so, is it... only offensive novelty rap? Or maybe just, you know, rap in general? 'Cause mommy can rap... (Rachel tries to rap and makes weird movements with her arms in the process.) My name is mommy and I'm here to say / that all the babies are... Oh, I can't rap... Allright sweetheart... This is only because I love you so much, and I know that you're not gonna tell anybody... (Rachel's face is telling "Oh what am I doing? The things I have to go through... and she starts to rap) I like... big butts and I cannot lie... / You other brothers can't deny... / when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face... (Emma starts to laugh) Yes! Yes! Yes! YES! Oohhhhh! Oh! (Rachel now really gets into it, and her insecure movements start getting better) I like big butts and I cannot lie... / You other brothers can't deny... Oh Emma you're laughing! Oh you are, you really do like big butts, don't you. Oh you beautiful little weirdo... (Rachel picks up Emma and Ross now enters)
(Chandler gives Joey her business card, which he eagerly grabs and he leaves.)
Chandler: Why cant you tell her?
(They exchange looks, smile, and shrug their shoulders before Ross suddenly lunges forward in an attempt to kiss her, but she expertly backs away.)
JOEY: Hey I liked her, alright. Maybe, maybe too much. I don't know I guess I just got scared.
Chandler: Oh yeah man. (to Kathy) Joey. (Hands her the phone.)
Chandler: Oh, thats-thats okay, no problem. (He starts to look around her office.)
Joey: Priesthood! Look Ross, I'm telling you, she has no idea what you're thinking. If you don't ask her out soon you're going to end up stuck in the zone forever.
Ross: Correct. Her actual favorite movie is...
Rachel: (shakes her head) Alright, alright look, just uh... just try to remember how you felt when you were in love, and think about that when you're playing the scene.
Joey: And what?! Did you sleep with her?!
Chandler: No! No! No! I just kissed her.
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You looked at her. You never look. You just answer, it's just a reflex. Do I look fat? Nooo! Is she prettier than I am? Noo! Does size matter?
Ross: Correct. In what part of her body did Monica get a pencil stuck at age 14?
Chandler: Look, Im sorry! But theres nothing I can do, I think Im in love with her!
Woman: (looking through her peephole, we see Ross standing in the hallway.) Yesss?
Rachel: Why don't you just marry her? Oh no, wait a minute you can't, I'm sorry I forgot, she's not a lesbian.
Phoebe: I picked her! Oh thank God you want her! Ooh!
Rachel: (standing in her doorway) People are trying to sleep in here!
Monica: Oh, it was great! The widow wouldn't pay, so Phoebe yelled at her 'til she did.
Chandler: When was the last time you saw her wear it?
Chandler: Wow! Why do you want to get rid of her so badly?
Joey: Back when you and Rachel were together, if Chandler had kissed her, would you hear him out?
Mr. Treeger:: Yeah, you could dance real good with her, shes the same size as me.
(Monica looks at Rachel, who gives her the thumbs up.)
[Chandler and Joey stop dancing and laugh at her]
Chandler: Hey, look, what do you want me to say? Do you want me to say that Ill stop seeing her?
Rachel: Okay. (She goes into her bedroom)
Tim: Hi. (gives her a bottle of wine)
Monica: I saved you a seat. (Motions to the one next to her.)
Rachel: Yeah, sure. Umm, they didnt have poppy seed bagels, so I (Enters Joannas office and sees her handcuffed to her chair wearing nothing but a slip) Oh my word!
Rachel: Chandler! Chandler, please, I have to get you locked up back the way you were, I am sooo gonna lose my job, shes very private about her office. Now I know why.
Rachel: Oh, he sees her!
Joey: Oh yeah, I definitely know her.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is reading What to Expect When Youre Expecting as Rachel enters from her bedroom.]
Ross: Like uh, that gold necklace I got her last year.
Ross: Yes, her molecular epidemiology paper is due tomorrow.
Monica: Oh, hes catching up to her!
Phoebe: Cause youre still into Monica. So you told her there was somebody else so she would agree to work with you, so cause you figure oh if you spent a lot of time together, maybe something might happen, and...
Monica: You obviously havent screwed over a lot of your friends. (They all look at her) Which we all appreciate.
Chandler: Okay, well. Janice said 'Hi, do I look fat today?' And I, I looked at her....
Rachel: Right. So, what you have to do is, you have to accidentally run into her on purpose. And then act aloof.
Chandler: My Catholic friend is right. She's distraught. You're there for her. You pick up the pieces, and then you usher in the age of Ross! (Ross and Chandler look off into the distance. Joey, wondering what they are looking at, looks in the same direction)
Ross: So, uh, this guy, she used to go out with, is, uh is he still in love with her?
Monica: Hi Chandler. It's really nice to see you (rolls her eyes) NOT. (she and Rachel giggle a little and Chandler looks unimpressed)
Phoebe: Well, it seems like there weren't any tears 'til you showed her the bill.
Chandler: Oh, yeah! How did you meet her?
(She sits down, and Mark leans over and kisses her. Rachel doesnt react. He tries it again, and Rachel jumps back quickly.)
Mike: Oh wow! Im free for her!
Ross: (seeing Phoebe still with cat) You didnt tell her?! (They all kinda shy away.) Okay, fine! Pheebs?
Phoebe: If shes no fun, why do you want to date her at all?
Ross: Look, I am totally, totally over her, OK, I just... (Rachel comes over, Ross lays head on table): Hiiii!
Monica: Used to work with her. Used to! Im a relative and I didnt get invited! A blood relative! Blood!!
Chandler: I don't know. I can't--I just, I can't get her out of my head. Y'know? I mean, I'm a very bad person. I'm a very, very bad person. I'm a horrible person. (he waits for a reaction, when he doesn't get one) No you're not Chandler! We still love you Chandler!
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Rachel are there, as Phoebe enters with her date.]
Joey: Thank you. (stands up and kisses her lips.) Waiter! �lright, this is gonna be fast, so try to keep up: Risotto with the shaped truffles and the roasted rip steak with the golden Chanterelles and a Bordelaise sauce and that any that stuff I just said means snails. (Hope, *I* kept up.)
Chandler: Well, yknow, youre-youre gonna meet somebody! Youre a great catch! Yknow when I was telling all those guys about you, I didnt have to lie once. (He sits down on the arm of her chair)
Monica: I am going I'm going--Turn it over! (Rachel rolled onto her stomach and Monica rolls her back.) I'm I am going to get these drops in your eyes. (She is holding Rachel down with both hands and has the eyedropper in her mouth.)
Rachel: (looking through her wallet.) Ohh, I just dont think I have enough left on my credit card.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing her holiday song.]
Phoebe: Because she exchanges every gift she ever gets, its like impossible to get her something she likes. Come on, lets trade!
Chandler: (not knowing the true meaning of her exclamation) I know, but just let me say it.
Ross: Eww! No!! Her ear! All right, Monica categorizes her towels. How many categories are there?
Rachel: Yeah thats great Paul, but yknow I wanna know what(Puts her hands on his shoulders)Wow, those are really great! I just wanna know what, what is behind this-this strong, silent exterior. Yknow they say that still waters run deep and I wanna swim in yours.
Monica: I swear, I promise. I promise. Oh my God, I'm so excited! {And I just can't hide it! I'm about to lose control and I think I like it! Sorry, just couldn't resist it.} All right, listen let me tell you, do not get her flowers. Okay? Because y'know, she cries when they die, and there's the whole funeral
(She picks up a charred piece of plastic that once was the Foster puppets, and starts to break down. Monica goes over and comforts her.)
Cheryl: My hamster. I hope she's okay, I haven't seen her in a while. Have a seat.
[Scene: A lobby, Ross is waiting for Rachel, after her interview.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Phoebe is there with her puppy and is trying to sing it to sleep as Chandler enters.]
Doug: Well, maybe I'll bring it out and have Monica stick her finger in it. That oughta sweeten it up, huh? (Once again, with the laugh.)
Rachel: Let me see that. (Monica shows her) Oh, yeah.
Rachel: Yeah, not girls anyway, guys agree (snaps her fingers) like that.
Chandler: (to Drew) Oh, by the way, that is her full name.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel and Ross are in the kitchen. Phoebe is sitting at the couch with oven mits on her hands.]
[Scene: Rachels office, Rachel is confronting Joanna about her interview.]
(Ursula opens the door and hands her the note.)
MR. GREENE: ...and her yoga and her Bridges of Madison County...
Ross: Yeah. Look, you don't, you don't talk about like, you know, your girlfriend and the intimate stuff you, you do with her.
Rachel: In the afternoon. Mr. Zelner came into my office after lunch. He put them on my desk, and then I put a Post-It on it (Looks down onto her desk and finds the folder with the Post-It on it that contains the contracts she imagined she gave Tag) that said, "Must go out today." So you just keep looking in there! All right?
Chandler: Hello, Joanna (Realises he doesnt know her last name) s office.
Monica: Okay. (She does so and starts to walk towards Joey to receive her pancakes.)
Rachel: Okay sir, um-mm, let see if I got this right. Ah, so this is a half-caf, double tall, easy hazel nut, non-fat, no foam, with whip, extra hot latte, right? (the guy nods) Okay, great. (she starts to walk away and under her breath) You freak.
Chandler: I did! But the store wouldnt take her back! So then I took her to the shelter, and you know what I found out?
Chandler: (to Gunther) Y'know what Gunther, go ah, go ahead, Im-Im talking to ah, (tries to get her to say her name). (to her) This is the part where you say your name.
JOEY: Oh, well. Just ask her how long she's gonna live. Women live longer than men.
Ross: (blows her a kiss) Okay the sleeping thing. Very tricky business, but there is something you can do.
Fake Monica: You're kidding! I-I spent three years in Amsterdam. (Asks her something in Dutch)
Rachel: Oo, toes!! Well, for some people. (Chandler eyes her and her toes.)
Phoebe: Yes. But I left in the Ys. 'Cause, y'know, "sometimes y". Uh, I also have something else for you. (She searches in her purse.)
Chandler: All right, maybe I should call her.
Monica: I'll get it! (She runs in, and she's her old fat self like The One With The Prom Video. Not only that, she's out of breath after running a short distance. She goes over and opens the door to reveal Rachel with her old nose.) Happy Thanksgiving!
Joey: No! Forget her, man! You dont need her, you dont need that!
Chandler: I confronted her, and she didnt deny it! (Pause) I dont live here! (Goes back into his apartment and they all follow him.)
Chandler: Ok, I don't care what you guys say, something's bothering her.
Ross: (to Chandler) It's her first day at this new job. Your not supposed to start with her!
Ross: Yeah. But, the good news is that Phoebe said that I could stay at her place for a while. So
(They all go over to her apartment.)
Rachel: Hello? (Listens) Um, yeah, uh, (snapping her fingers at Ross who takes the remote from Marcel, then turns off the TV) Okay ah, hold on a second, lemme lemme just check and see if see if she's here.
Chandler: Kathys with her parents, I have nothing to do, so tomorrow we are partying with Gandolf dude!