words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, (although its really just Monicas now with Matthew Perry in rehab) Monica is folding her laundry with Ross reading the paper and Phoebe standing in the kitchen.]
Ross: Wow, I havent seen her for like forever. I wonder if she still carries that Barbie everywhere she goes.
Rachel: (To Phoebe) Oh my God! We have to throw her a shower?!
Chandler: Well get rid of her, obsessive and shrill.
(Cassie enters from the guest room, with her hair up. The extremely beautiful and sexy Denise Richards is playing Cassie. Woo hoo! For those of you who dont know who she is, rent Wild Things and she was also the last Bond girl in The World Is Not Enough.)
(She lets her hair down and whips her hair around in Baywatch-esque slow motion with a Barry White song in the background. Chandler needless to say cant help but stare along with the rest of the male and lesbian population of North America.)
Monica: Because Purvry Perverson over here cant stop staring at her.
Chandler: I was not staring at her. Okay? I was just listening intently. Its called being a good conversationalist. Watch. (Stares at Monicas eyes.) Say something.
(The casting director shakes her head.)
Monica: Wow! Wow! And its definitely all gone? Theres nothing there to work with? (Joey glares at her.) What were you thinking?
Joey: I just have to call my agent and tell her I cant do the part. (Gets up for the phone.)
Rachel: (To Phoebe, after Monicas gone) We have to get her a present?!
Phoebe: Okay but look! Look at what I got! Its her address book! (Holds it up.) We have a guest list!
Rachel: Oh my God youre amazing! Did you just pull that out of her purse?
Ross: (shocked at her beauty) Cassie?!
Cassie: Thanks for letting me stay here! I mean Monicas place was nice, but her fiancee sure stares a lot.
(She sets down her bag and we travel back to slow motion world. She once again whips her hair around in slow motion with the love doctor Barry White singing in the background. And Id also like to take this opportunity to mention that she can also be seen in Starship Troopers and that she was born in Downers Grove, Illinois which just happens to be a few miles from where I live. Anyway Cousin Ross is now staring.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Cassie is eating dinner and Ross is pacing behind her because of what shes eating.]
Cassie: Ill always remember that summer, because its when I got all of these freckles. (She pulls her blouse open to show him her shoulder and bra strap.)
Rachel: (to her) Hi! Im Rachel. This is Phoebe. Im the maid of honor. How do you know Monica?
Woman: I was her accountant four years ago.
Woman: Im very interested to find out whos been doing her taxes these last four years.
Rachel: (to the woman) Excuse us for a minute. (They go into the kitchen.) You didnt tell her to come?!
Phoebe: You were supposed to tell her!
Rachel: No I wasnt! You were supposed to tell her to come and I was supposed to bring the cake!
Phoebe: Fine, Ill go call her.
Rachel: Yes! And please tell her to bring a cake!
Monica: I also, did a little something in fur. But umm, thats really just for me. (Rubs it against her cheek.) Okay. So, why dont you go into your room and try these on and well seeget a better idea of whats gonna work.
(They exchange looks, smile, and shrug their shoulders before Ross suddenly lunges forward in an attempt to kiss her, but she expertly backs away.)
Ross: (in his head) Say something clever! (Pause.) Okay, doesnt have to be clever, it just has to be words. Say some words. (Pause) Any words will do. (Pause) Oh my God! This is the longest that anyone has not talked ever! (Pause) There is nothing you can say to make this worse!! So just say something!! (Pause.) (To her) I-I, I uh havent had sex in a very long time. (She leaves.) (In his head) Yeah, you really shouldnt have said anything.
Phoebe: Oh! No problem! I (Cassie emerges from the bathroom and we once again visit slow motion Barry White background music land with the sexy hair-flipping thing going on, only this time Phoebe is entranced. For more information on Denise Richards you can visit your local library or look her up on the Internet at her official website at www.deniserichards.com.)
Cassie: (noticing her) What?
Phoebe: (in her head) Say something! Say anything! Ask her out! Shes not your cousin!
Ross: (to Rachel) Oh, youre nice to her.
Rachel: Bye. (She closes the door and everyone tries to sympathize with her.)
(Rachel turns her head to Ross and Phoebe and mouths, "No way.")
Rachel: Oh we just put her down for a nap.
Rachel: Okay, very cute braces. Anyway yknow what, the point is Tag, start looking because you are going to find those contracts on your desk. (She goes into her office.)
Monica: (following her) Ill give you really good odds.
Rachel: (entering from her bedroom) All right! Let's get this over with! Ugh! (She walks by the table and notices that no one is looking and accidentally on purpose knocks over the open cereal box.) Ohhh! No! Look what I did! (She starts walking through the mess. {Also, notice the continuity error in this scene. Note the position of the box and dispersal pattern of the cereal before and after the camera cut.}) Oh, I mean, look at this mess! I mean, we're probably gonna have to clean this up! Y'know? We're gonna have to reschedule!
Rachel: (interrupting her) Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Im sorry, semi-private? We (Laughs), we asked for a private room.
Phoebe: Okay, I can fix this! Okay Monica, Rachel thinks all you can talk about is the wedding. (Rachel glares at her.)
Joey: Yeah! Okay! (He notices a beautiful woman sitting behind the couch and goes to talk to her.) Hey! Hi!
Rachel: Give her some money.
Amy: no, no, then I would get the baby. I mean you know it would be just like a movie. Like at first I wouldn't know what to do with her, then I would rise to the occasion and and then I would get a makeover and then I'd get married.
Ross: This is Rachel. (Points at her.)
Rachel: We cant find Chandler (Phoebe sticks her head and motions that they found Chandler)s vest. We cant find Chandlers vest.
Phoebe: I do! I do! I do! (Chases her into the hall, but Rachel doesnt stop.) I do! (Gives up.) Ugh, like I can really chase you. Im carrying a litter.
Mrs. Green: Now dont worry! Everythings gonna be okay. (Hugs Rachel while she is standing and Rachel is sitting, seeing this Monica decides to join in on the hugging by hugging Mrs. Green from behind her back.)
Sick Bastard: Honey I swear! I wasnt looking at her!
Evil Bitch: Are you looking at her?!
Joey: (looking at her) No.
Joey: (standing behind her) Uh, you gotta press the button. (Does so.)
[Scene: A curbside newsstand, Phoebe is whistling and walking up to it wearing her fur coat. She stops and starts to look through a magazine and notices a squirrel on a nearby tree chirping at her.]
JOEY: What are you . ..� (He sees her in her negligee.)� Why are you dressed like that?
Rachel: You pierced her ears? How could you do this without telling me?
Phoebe: When she comes out, you hold her nose, Ill blow in her mouth, and the kid will just (makes a popping sound) right out of her.
Rachel: Okay, well then bring her in.
[Scene: Room 816, Phoebe is making her move on Cliff.]
(Monica smiles to cover her embarrassment, but Rachel sadly looks away...)
Monica: What?! Come on I am tough! Punch me right here! (Her stomach) As hard as you can!
Rachel: Yeah, yeah sure! Yeah! (mouths "Good luck" to Joey and gets up from her seat)
Rachel: Chandler, that's not enough. I mean what if she gets you a great present, two medium presents, and a bunch of little presents? And you've just gotten her one great present? I mean that's just gonna make her feel bad. Why would you do that to her Chandler? Why? Why?
(Dr. Long hands her to Rachel.)
Rachel: Okay. Well be careful with her, shes really tiny.
Rachel: Here. (Hands her to Monica.)
Mrs. Green: Oh my look at that. Only three weeks to go, now have you picked your nanny yet? Now I dont want you to use your housekeeper cause it would just split her focus.
Phoebe: Ohhh. (Hands her back to Rachel.)
Rachel: Thats not her name! Im sorry, she just doesnt feel like an Isabella.
Chandler: So, do you know what youre gonna call her yet?
Monica: How cool is this?! We know three down! Im touching three down! (She has her hand on his shoulder.)
Janice: I hate to be the one to say it, but honey you two (Her and Emma) are on your own.
Ross: Yeah. Shes putting her down now, thats her. (Points to the nurse putting Emma now.)
Chandler: Look, Joey, Kathy is clearly not fulfilling your emotional needs. But Casey, I mean granted I only saw the back of her head, but I got this sense that shes-shes smart, and funny, and gets you.
Ross: Oh well yeah, actually I was going to talk to her when you guys all came in the room.
Joey: No! No, that was Jack! Rachel thinks I asked her to marry me!
Joey: Yknow, I dont really know her.
Ross: No! No, come on let her sleep! Shes so exhausted.
Phoebe: All right, me too. (They go into her room and see that shes sleeping.) Should we wake her up?
Ross: I didnt give her that ring!
Phoebe: But you didnt give it to her?
Phoebe: No! No, she said you actually proposed to her.
Amy: Now listen, not that you guys could stop me or anything cause you know you'd be dead. I was thinking about changing her name. I'm just not really a big fan of Emily. [Transcriber note: I'm surprised that Rachel and Ross didn't say they weren't either here]
Joey: Look, its not that easy. She said she wanted to marry me. I dont want to hurt her.
Ross: Okay. (Closes the door.) (To Phoebe) I did divert her and we ended up having a great time! Okay?
Chandler: Joey, you have to tell her whats going on! And what did it look like?!
Ross: Wait! Whoa-whoa, you you gave her the ring?
(Ross goes towards Charlie, who's conversing with a fellow paleontologist, and touches her shoulder to get her attention)
Ross: Whoa! Hey! Whoa-whoa-whoa, you saw her breast?!
Ross: (To Joey) I cant believe you told her I was going to propose!
Monica: (on phone) Michelle, I only beeped in so I could hear my message. I mean that's allowed. Yeah-huh! I mean look, yeah, you know what I would really appreciate it if you didn't tell your Dad about. What do you mean, you're not comfortable with this? Come on we're friends!! (Michelle hangs up) That bitch always hated me. I'm calling her back.
[Scene: The Airport, Carol and Ross are waiting for Emily and Susan to deplane. A gorgeous woman walks by and they both turn to watch her go.]
Phoebe: You know thats thats her.
Rachel: Oh god look at her sleeping. Oh, I love her so much! Oh, I think Im gonna wake her up.
Phoebe: Okay, my turn. My turn. (Joey hands her to Phoebe.) Oh! Youre so cute! Oh, I could squeeze your little head! (Pause) I wont.
Ross: Hey, wait! Wait-wait-wait! Joey, did you propose to her?
(She kisses him on the cheek, and he kisses her back on the mouth.)
Monica: Rach, try holding her a different way.
Monica: Okay Ill take her, here. (Takes Emma)
Phoebe: Yeah thats true. Yeah, you love her. You always have. You have a child together. There is no right answer.
Rachel: Oh my God! You got her to stop crying!
Monica: Shhh! We just got her to go to sleep
Ross: Well, y'know how I'm trying to work things out with Emily. Well, there's this one thing Okay, (Rachel has her back turned to the camera, and Ross isn't looking at her.) here goes. I made a promise that-(they cut to the other camera and Ross notices something coming out of Rachel's nose)-Oh hey!
Phoebe: Umm, Im a masseuse by day. (Stands with her hands on her hips like a Supergirl pose.)
Cecilia: Joey, well thank you. That is so sweet. Oh, excuse me. (She throws her drink on a passing writer.)
Phoebe: Shh! Nothing works with this child! (Hands her back.)
Janice: Can I just say, I really admire what youre doing. Just raising her all alone.
(Another sweaty woman comes to the door and speaks to her friend)
Monica: Yeah, yknow, but something like salmon which would be so much more elegant than the chicken. And, you wouldnt have to worry about the salmonella. (Ross pushes her.) So, I cant wait to see this place youre getting married!
Ross: Oh, no, no, no, I will! I just want to butter her up, first! You know, Im going to take her to an amazing Valentines dinner. Do all this romantic stuff, and then, just when she thinks Im the best boyfriend in the world, then Im going to tell her that my pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with me.
Phoebe: Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh!
Joey raises his hand: Uh.. who has to die for me to get her?
Ross: So? Sure! But it-it wouldnt be anything romantic. And Im-Im dating MonaDamnit Mona! I was supposed to meet her like an hour ago! What is wrong with me?!
Mike: I'm not blowing her off, I actually just got off the phone with her, were going out tomorrow night, I mean I hope that's ok with you stranger from the coffee house.
Rachel: Oh, no problem. You can borrow it, by the way. (Puts her hand in the pocket) Here are your keys, hon. (She takes the keys out, sets them on the counter, and notices she also grabbed a receipt.)
Joey: listen to this... I went out with this girl last night and half way through our date I realized I already slept with her.
Monica:: But you don't remember sleeping with her.
(Joey says nothing, but enters the room and kisses her. They are kissing passionately only to stop for a brief "oh" from Rachel. They continue their passionate kiss and Joey closes the door with his foot and it shuts in the camera's "face". And that's the end of the ninth season.)
Monica:: Honey why don't you just let it go and ask her out again.
Ross: YAY! (He continues the happiness with her by dancing around) quick thing, I went to talk to Mike.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is getting Monica ready for her date. The guys are also there. The door buzzes.]
Monica:: Ok (sits down next to him) This is how much I love you. (She presses play then puts her arm around Chandler's neck.)
[Cut to Phoebes room, Phoebe has put her helmet on one of her teddy bears and is playing around with it. Ross knocks and pokes his head in the door.]
Evil Bitch: Dont you look at her you sick bastard!
Chandler: Get ready to run. (Chandler walks over to the new bride.) Congratulations on your wedding. (He grabs her, kisses her, Ross takes the picture, and they both run out.)
Phoebe: (from outside) Trick or treat! (It�s obviously Halloween eve, the night of her birthday dinner.)
Chandler: I was asleep. (She takes off her robe and starts to shiver) Oh no! No-no honey! Yknow whats sexy? Layers. Layers are sexy. And blankets are sexy. And oh! Hot water bottles are sexy.
Joey: Well off the top of my head uhh, maybe shes having her cake and eating it too. You being the cake and Richard being the too. Or!
Ross: Can�t hold her own head up, but yeah jumped.
Ross: So listen ah, I picked Monica for secret Santa, but Im already getting her something for Chanukah, I was wondering if you wanna switch.
Rachel: Oh no. I mean it. After what just happened, I�m never leaving her again.
Chandler: Ok. So if we both had Emma and I die <knocks on table> she'd have to give her up.
Ross: Sure, Monica would have to give her up.