words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, (although its really just Monicas now with Matthew Perry in rehab) Monica is folding her laundry with Ross reading the paper and Phoebe standing in the kitchen.]
Ross: Wow, I havent seen her for like forever. I wonder if she still carries that Barbie everywhere she goes.
Rachel: (To Phoebe) Oh my God! We have to throw her a shower?!
Chandler: Well get rid of her, obsessive and shrill.
(Cassie enters from the guest room, with her hair up. The extremely beautiful and sexy Denise Richards is playing Cassie. Woo hoo! For those of you who dont know who she is, rent Wild Things and she was also the last Bond girl in The World Is Not Enough.)
(She lets her hair down and whips her hair around in Baywatch-esque slow motion with a Barry White song in the background. Chandler needless to say cant help but stare along with the rest of the male and lesbian population of North America.)
Monica: Because Purvry Perverson over here cant stop staring at her.
Chandler: I was not staring at her. Okay? I was just listening intently. Its called being a good conversationalist. Watch. (Stares at Monicas eyes.) Say something.
(The casting director shakes her head.)
Monica: Wow! Wow! And its definitely all gone? Theres nothing there to work with? (Joey glares at her.) What were you thinking?
Joey: I just have to call my agent and tell her I cant do the part. (Gets up for the phone.)
Rachel: (To Phoebe, after Monicas gone) We have to get her a present?!
Phoebe: Okay but look! Look at what I got! Its her address book! (Holds it up.) We have a guest list!
Rachel: Oh my God youre amazing! Did you just pull that out of her purse?
Ross: (shocked at her beauty) Cassie?!
Cassie: Thanks for letting me stay here! I mean Monicas place was nice, but her fiancee sure stares a lot.
(She sets down her bag and we travel back to slow motion world. She once again whips her hair around in slow motion with the love doctor Barry White singing in the background. And Id also like to take this opportunity to mention that she can also be seen in Starship Troopers and that she was born in Downers Grove, Illinois which just happens to be a few miles from where I live. Anyway Cousin Ross is now staring.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Cassie is eating dinner and Ross is pacing behind her because of what shes eating.]
Cassie: Ill always remember that summer, because its when I got all of these freckles. (She pulls her blouse open to show him her shoulder and bra strap.)
Rachel: (to her) Hi! Im Rachel. This is Phoebe. Im the maid of honor. How do you know Monica?
Woman: I was her accountant four years ago.
Woman: Im very interested to find out whos been doing her taxes these last four years.
Rachel: (to the woman) Excuse us for a minute. (They go into the kitchen.) You didnt tell her to come?!
Phoebe: You were supposed to tell her!
Rachel: No I wasnt! You were supposed to tell her to come and I was supposed to bring the cake!
Phoebe: Fine, Ill go call her.
Rachel: Yes! And please tell her to bring a cake!
Monica: I also, did a little something in fur. But umm, thats really just for me. (Rubs it against her cheek.) Okay. So, why dont you go into your room and try these on and well seeget a better idea of whats gonna work.
(They exchange looks, smile, and shrug their shoulders before Ross suddenly lunges forward in an attempt to kiss her, but she expertly backs away.)
Ross: (in his head) Say something clever! (Pause.) Okay, doesnt have to be clever, it just has to be words. Say some words. (Pause) Any words will do. (Pause) Oh my God! This is the longest that anyone has not talked ever! (Pause) There is nothing you can say to make this worse!! So just say something!! (Pause.) (To her) I-I, I uh havent had sex in a very long time. (She leaves.) (In his head) Yeah, you really shouldnt have said anything.
Phoebe: Oh! No problem! I (Cassie emerges from the bathroom and we once again visit slow motion Barry White background music land with the sexy hair-flipping thing going on, only this time Phoebe is entranced. For more information on Denise Richards you can visit your local library or look her up on the Internet at her official website at www.deniserichards.com.)
Cassie: (noticing her) What?
Phoebe: (in her head) Say something! Say anything! Ask her out! Shes not your cousin!
(Everyone looks at her)
Monica: (pinching her) Let's get you out of here!! (they go outside)
David: That's great! That's great! I-I'll propose to her!
David: I'm sorry, uh... I just wish I could make her forget about Mike already, you know... Why did Phoebe and Mike break up?
Ross: Once Monica was sent to her room without dinner, so she ate the macaroni off a jewelry box shed made.
Chandler: Okay, listen, how far am I gonna have to go with her?
Rachel: Im fine! Im fine! Im just losing a tooth, its no big deal. I have a dentist! Yknow. Im gonna go put some ice on it. Excuse me. (She goes over to the ice and Joey and Monica follow her.) What do I do now? What do I do now?
(they just look at her for a moment; then they go back to checking the tickets)
Joey: You like someone. Tell me who it is. Who is it? (tickles her a little)
Rachel: Joey! (she walks away; Joey goes after her teasing and tickling her)
David: I have a question I was kinda gonna ask her myself.
Phoebe: What? What are you just gonna walk up to her at the gate? Have you never chased anyone through the airport before?
PHOEBE: (calling from the bar on her cell phone.) Hey, Mike, it's me.� Listen, is um, is Ross near you?
(Monica rolls her eyes)
Chandler: (interrupting her) OK!
Ross: Well, the old lady died. And how do I know? Her dying wish was for one last kiss. But I dont care, (To Rachel) because you got the apartment. Yes!
Phoebe: (picks up a coin from her bra) Monica, you call it.
Rachel: Yeah, I'm not talking about her...
(He punches her on her shoulder mockingly, then goes and sits down on her bed)
Joey: But then who? The waitress I went out with last month? (gives her a meaningful look)
Chandler: You wouldn't know if Jeanette's planning on keeping her baby, would ya?
Mr. Oberblau: (seeing her) Oh, you're back... (to Ross) this is my wife, Nancy.
Chandler: (flattered) No,... no... (realizing) NO! (He quickly gets several steps away from her.) Look, I'm, I'm married!
Ross: (holding her hand) Hey, you ok?
(they start playing again; suddenly Monica hits the table with her hand)
Monica: Yeah, but he wants to talk to you before anything really happens with her. And as his friend, I mean, don't you think he deserves the same from you?
Rachel: I know, I'm her!
Monica: (as Rachel) Remember back in freshman year? (Talking fast before Rachel can catch her) Well, Billy Dreskin and I had sex on your bed.
Ross: My God. Rachel! (He walks towards her, grasps her hands and kisses her on the cheek.) Your here. I cant believe it. (She giggles.) What happen? Why are you here?
Rachel: For Stella! Remember? She's gettin' her grove back in like 20 minutes.
Ross: And you know I wanted to ask Charlie out since the day I met her.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's. Emma is in her bed and Ross and Rachel are rapping and dancing for her.]
CHANDLER: Ok, you can have it. [He licks it and offers it to her.]
Phoebe: Hey, does Monica know about her broken plates yet?
Phoebe: Well alright, looks like you guys have got it under control so Im just gonna go. (She gets up and Rachel looks at her, upset, and Monica just stares.) No! Really? Misery really does love company. All right! (She sits back down.)
(Rachel lets her anger show too. Hideously embarrassed, the doctors drain their glasses in the vicious pause which follows. The telephone rings, but the girls just glower at each other, silently daring the other to move first. Finally both guys jump up, and Michael wins.)
Eric: Just seeing her brought it all back. All the lies, the way she used me. I just I got so angry just looking at her (Looks at Phoebe) face.
Dr. Green: You think you can knock up my daughter and then not marry her?! Im gonna kill you!!
Frank Jr.: Oh, I don't know, she's pretty tired, too, I think we've got her onboard.
Phoebe: Three months? Okay... This is probably none of my business, but uhm, how long do you think you're gonna keep seeing her?
[Chandler and Monica head out with some stuff. Phoebe comes out of her room with a bag.]
Joey: I'm crazy about her.
Estelle: Ooh, what a shame! Because with her face (points to Monica) and her chest (points to Rachel) I could really put something together.
Phoebe: Ugh, Let's just cut her out!
Monica: Oh, what are we gonna do! I don't wanna see her!!
Monica: And listen to this... (shakes her body so the shells tingle)
Phoebe: C'mon Mike, you can beat her! Knock that dog off her head!
Ross: (looks at her suspiciously) How do you count to five?
Rachel/Ross: Ooh, your lips are so soft... Do that again... (and she/he moves in for another kiss. Joey, pushes her head away again...)
(Chandler starts looking at her bra)
(Monica holds her hands out for a hug, but instead of hugging her, Amanda hangs her purse on one of Monica's extended arms.)
Phoebe: (Also gets up and starts taking her purse) Oh my God. Was Mike with him?
Joey: Uh! (When she's done she throws her bra at him)
Chandler: I don't think of her that way, you know, she's a, she's a colleague.
Monica: Why don't you just be straight with her? Tell her the truth.
Phoebe: (getting up) Oh, for god�s sake, Judy, pick up the sock! Pick up the sock! Pick up the sock! (everybody scared) I�m sorry, was that rude? Di-did my, my li-little outburst blunt (?) the hideousness (?) that is this evening? Look, I know, you all have a lot going on, but all I wanted to do was have dinner with my friends on my birthday. And you are all so late and you didn�t even have the courtesy to call. (her cellular rings) Well, it�s too late now.
Chandler: (to Ross) You be cool. (He opens the door and lets her in as they all turn there backs on her.)
Ross: Unless (Rachel groans.) You anticipated that I would figure all this out and you know that it actually is a girl, and you really do want her to be named Ruth! Well, Im not falling for that! Okay? Ruth is off the table!
(Lifts her head from Joey's shoulder)
Rachel: No, that day... that won't be her real birthday!
Ross: Hey, say something to Emma on her 18th birthday!
Joey: What, what!? it's for her hot friends!
Rachel: No really, she didn't sleep well last night, so we can't wake her up.
Rachel: What did you get her?
Chandler: Dont worry, Im brave! I am brave! I I am brave! (They get to the door and Monica goes to open it.) No-no-no-no!! (He stops her.) (Through the door.) Can you tell me who is there please?
Monica: Oh. So nice of her to pull my hair, 'till I dropped the key!
(She hangs up the phone and starts to head back to the kitchen and notices some money lying out, stops, reaches down to pick it up, the phone rings causing her to drop it, she quickly puts it back, and heads for the kitchen.)
Rachel: You like that? (She climbs on the barcalounger seductively, putting her knees next to Joey's hips.) Let's take this into high gear (She pulls the barcalounger lever and seat reclines. She puts one of her knees between his legs and begins to kiss his neck.)
RTST: Yeah, well, anyhoo, here is your check. [hands it to her] Thank you for all the trouble you went through. Um, listen, you didn't eat a lot of it while you were cooking, did you?
Phoebe: (yelling at the top of her voice) Go, go, go Alan! Run you, hairy bastard!
Joey: Her first cookie? She has cookies all the time!
Rachel: You know, I'm thinking about letting Emma have her first cookie.
Phoebe: Left! (Rachel hands her the napkin in her left hand and they both unfold and read them.) Thank you.
Ross: Ehm... Her name is Emma.
Rachel: Look, Im fine. Watch. (She picks up an aspirin between her toes) Look at that. (She lifts her leg to grab the aspirin with her hand and almost falls over.) Whoa-whoa!
Joey: But uhm, we're getting rid of her, right? Rach, please tell me we’re getting rid of her.
Ross: Correct. Rachel claims this is her favorite movie
Joey: Hey-hey come on you guys, give him a break. Ross, seriously, hows it going with her?
Rachel: Yknow I cant even worry about that right now, cause I got the cutie little baby, oh I cant believe how much I love her, I cant get enough of her, like right now I miss her. I actually miss her.
Ross: Um, I do not want her baby-sitting our child.
Ross: (a little confused) Okay, um... I don't want her watching our baby.
Joey: You do have a choice!! Ross, why are you listening to her?! Are you, are you crazy?!
(Rachel looks at Ross and her agrees silently)
Rachel: (not excited anymore) You pierced her ears!?
Rachel: Nah, I don't really want her to see.
Ross: Did she (points at Amy) do this to her? I told you we shouldn't have left Emma with her!
Chandler: (to Ross) Dont try to sway her. (To Monica) (Softly) Im your only chance to have a baby. Okay, lets go.
(Completely undone by Monica's verbal destruction, Rachel almost loses her balance as she staggers backwards, eyes agog, gasping for breath, and literally not knowing which way to turn. Finally, she escapes into the bathroom while a resigned Dr. Mitchell looks philosophically at Dr. Rosen who seems about remind him of the good old days at the pagan altar.)
(Phoebe has this weird, anxious, nervous look on her face)
(Mike puts the ring on her finger)
PHOE: Your boobs are fine. Look, I never should have said anything. Come here. Come here. [hugs Chandler but holds her hands apart behind his back] Oh, can't make.... hands... meet....
Rachel: (She considers it for a second) Yeah okay. (She puts her hands around his neck and they start kissing again)
Phoebe: Oh, I'm just so exhausted from dragging around this... (she shows her ring) HUGE engagement ring!
[Scene: Rachels bedroom, shes pacing as Ross knocks on her door and opens it a little to stick his hands in.]
Phoebe: Why, you don't like her?
Phoebe: Yeah. I really hate to give her up. Oh, I know!! Oh, you should take her!
Monica: Absolutely! Yes, you say to him "I'm sorry Mike I can't live without her, she means too much to me!"
RACHEL: That is not a tattoo, that is a nothing. I finally got her back in the chair, bairly touched her with a needle, she jumped up screaming, and that was it.
Chandler: (To Phoebe, behind Monica's back) Still terrified, I'll take care of it. No problem. (When Monica turns back he smiles and kisses her, when she turns away he nods that he'll do it to Phoebe.)
Monica: I don't want her to get a boob job! That's crazy!