words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, (although its really just Monicas now with Matthew Perry in rehab) Monica is folding her laundry with Ross reading the paper and Phoebe standing in the kitchen.]
Ross: Wow, I havent seen her for like forever. I wonder if she still carries that Barbie everywhere she goes.
Rachel: (To Phoebe) Oh my God! We have to throw her a shower?!
Chandler: Well get rid of her, obsessive and shrill.
(Cassie enters from the guest room, with her hair up. The extremely beautiful and sexy Denise Richards is playing Cassie. Woo hoo! For those of you who dont know who she is, rent Wild Things and she was also the last Bond girl in The World Is Not Enough.)
(She lets her hair down and whips her hair around in Baywatch-esque slow motion with a Barry White song in the background. Chandler needless to say cant help but stare along with the rest of the male and lesbian population of North America.)
Monica: Because Purvry Perverson over here cant stop staring at her.
Chandler: I was not staring at her. Okay? I was just listening intently. Its called being a good conversationalist. Watch. (Stares at Monicas eyes.) Say something.
(The casting director shakes her head.)
Monica: Wow! Wow! And its definitely all gone? Theres nothing there to work with? (Joey glares at her.) What were you thinking?
Joey: I just have to call my agent and tell her I cant do the part. (Gets up for the phone.)
Rachel: (To Phoebe, after Monicas gone) We have to get her a present?!
Phoebe: Okay but look! Look at what I got! Its her address book! (Holds it up.) We have a guest list!
Rachel: Oh my God youre amazing! Did you just pull that out of her purse?
Ross: (shocked at her beauty) Cassie?!
Cassie: Thanks for letting me stay here! I mean Monicas place was nice, but her fiancee sure stares a lot.
(She sets down her bag and we travel back to slow motion world. She once again whips her hair around in slow motion with the love doctor Barry White singing in the background. And Id also like to take this opportunity to mention that she can also be seen in Starship Troopers and that she was born in Downers Grove, Illinois which just happens to be a few miles from where I live. Anyway Cousin Ross is now staring.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Cassie is eating dinner and Ross is pacing behind her because of what shes eating.]
Cassie: Ill always remember that summer, because its when I got all of these freckles. (She pulls her blouse open to show him her shoulder and bra strap.)
Rachel: (to her) Hi! Im Rachel. This is Phoebe. Im the maid of honor. How do you know Monica?
Woman: I was her accountant four years ago.
Woman: Im very interested to find out whos been doing her taxes these last four years.
Rachel: (to the woman) Excuse us for a minute. (They go into the kitchen.) You didnt tell her to come?!
Phoebe: You were supposed to tell her!
Rachel: No I wasnt! You were supposed to tell her to come and I was supposed to bring the cake!
Phoebe: Fine, Ill go call her.
Rachel: Yes! And please tell her to bring a cake!
Monica: I also, did a little something in fur. But umm, thats really just for me. (Rubs it against her cheek.) Okay. So, why dont you go into your room and try these on and well seeget a better idea of whats gonna work.
(They exchange looks, smile, and shrug their shoulders before Ross suddenly lunges forward in an attempt to kiss her, but she expertly backs away.)
Ross: (in his head) Say something clever! (Pause.) Okay, doesnt have to be clever, it just has to be words. Say some words. (Pause) Any words will do. (Pause) Oh my God! This is the longest that anyone has not talked ever! (Pause) There is nothing you can say to make this worse!! So just say something!! (Pause.) (To her) I-I, I uh havent had sex in a very long time. (She leaves.) (In his head) Yeah, you really shouldnt have said anything.
Phoebe: Oh! No problem! I (Cassie emerges from the bathroom and we once again visit slow motion Barry White background music land with the sexy hair-flipping thing going on, only this time Phoebe is entranced. For more information on Denise Richards you can visit your local library or look her up on the Internet at her official website at www.deniserichards.com.)
Cassie: (noticing her) What?
Phoebe: (in her head) Say something! Say anything! Ask her out! Shes not your cousin!
[He kisses her on the cheek, she returns the kiss, then they embrace in a full on kiss]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are entering the living room from her bedroom.]
Joey: All right!! Okay, it was like four years ago. Okay, Ginger and I had gone out a few times, and then this one weekend, we went up to her Dads cabin. Just me, her, and her annoying little dog Pepper. Well that night, I cooked this really romantic dinner....
Monica: Look Ross, the only question you need to ask is, "Do you see a future?" I mean like do you see yourself marrying her? (Ross pauses in consideration.) Oh my God! You did it already! You married her, didnt you?!
[Scene: Central Perk, Julie is wanting to get her hair cut from Phoebe.]
Friend No. 2: Rachel! Rachel! (stirs Rachel from her dream, shes in her car driving back from the city)
[Scene: Rachel and Barrys bedroom, Rachel is returning from her disastrous attempt at an affair to find that Barry was much, much more successful with his.]
Ross: (picking up the slip of paper) Hello! What's this? Oh right its that girl's phone number. (Rachel ignores him) Yeah-yeah, there it is, just a phone number a really hot girl gave me. (He holds it so that Rachel can see it, she continues to ignore him) It's no big deal, I mean it is her home phone number, but...(Rachel still ignores him) Whoa! (Throws it in her lap) Whoa-whoops, I almost lost this baby! Yeah, the lovely Amanda gives me her number and I-I go and drop it. (He waves it in front of Rachel's face. Then suddenly Phoebe has to sneeze and Rachel quickly grabs the slip of paper and gives it to Phoebe for her to sneeze into.)
Joey: (opening the door wearing nothing but a sock, and holding a dart board over the `Little General.') Hey! (Chandler turns down the TV) Now, we're not actually gonna be sleeping in her, but do you mind?
Jason: (going up to her) Hey. I was
Sandy: Her name is Deliah.
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is trying to find out what Phoebe wont tell her.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are there, Phoebe is entering with her date Robert.]
Monica: Actually there is. Chandler usually helps me with this, but hes really into the game so I dont want to bother him. Could you help me fold these napkins? (Hands her a stack of them.)
Rachel: Anyway, um, (Gets the ring out of her purse.) I guess this belongs to you. And thank you for giving it to me.
Rachel: Okay, you are going to tell her and youre going to tell her now. (She grabs his nipple and starts to twist it.)
Rachel: But Joey, I dont think Ross wants me to move into his apartment and disrupt his life like that. I mean(Ross turns to her with wishful eyes.)Or he does.
Pete: Monica! (runs over and kisses her) Hi honey.
(Phoebe puts the globe right up next to her eye to try and find the country.)
(They all applaud her.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica has just opened the door for Ross who is costumed as an Armadillo. Ben is standing next to her.]
Chandler: Hey, you have nothing but talk about her for the last 48 hours! If you were in a school yard youd be pulling her pigtails and pushing her down now!
Ross: She was blonde? (he looks surprised for a while, but then gets a "gotcha" expression on his face... There's knocking at the door.) Just a sec.! Okay, okay. This one's name is Sandy. She's got a degree in early childhood education, uhm... she worked for her last family for three years.
Chandler: Look, don't you see what's happening here. Instead of hitting on her right away, he's becoming her confidant. Now he's gonna be the guy she goes too to complain about you.
(Rachel is shocked, and holds her arms out in disbelief.)
Joeys Grandmother: Of course! Its her favorite.
Phoebe: Okay. (Starts running crazily with her arms flapping and her legs far apart) Come on! That's not running! Let's go! (Rachel pauses, then follows, embarrassed.)
MONICA: Who has her own little desk when Roland's not there.
Ross: I don't know, but when I spoke to her, she said she had already passed the mucus plug.
Ross: No, I-Im saying I liked her.
Monica: Sometimes I have bad dreams. (starts to break down, and Phoebe offers her, her hand to comfort her.)
(Sergei says something and leans in to kiss her, but just as hes about to....)
Ross: Well, Im gonna go see her. I want to bring her something, what do you think shell like?
Phoebe: (sits down next to her and hugs her) Oh no.
Phoebe: Oh Rach, good, listen isn't this perfect for me! (she's wearing another dress on a hanger around her neck)
Rachel: Oh, I cant watch this. (turns her eyes away)
[Ross comes out of Rachel's bedroom in her bathrobe and heads for the bathroom. On his way back, Richard comes out of Monica's bedroom in her bathrobe.]
Joey: And about this Nancy thing... If you're not sleeping with her, should I?
Phoebe: (points to herself) Phoebe. (points to her) Phoebe. Phoebe, yeah. She named me after you I guess.
Joey: All right, thats it. Y'know I was still gonna let you have her. But now, forget about it. Prepare to feel very bad about yourself.
Rachel: Well, I'll probably be back to pick her up around six, but she's in the bedroom all ready to go. But she did actually fall back to sleep, so...
Bonnie: Cool! Ill catch up! (She takes off her sweater.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, time lapse. Rachel is entering the living room from her bedroom as Monica enters.]
Phoebe: Well, shes out of town so, theres gotta be something in her house that tells me where my Father is.
Phoebe: You mean the one that my grandmother made me swear on her deathbed that I would never let out of our family?
Ross: She said you gave her the razor!
Rachel: (poking her head in from her bedroom) Uh, morning. Do you guys think you could close your eyes for just a sec?
Monica: Well, were trying to find someone to perform our wedding and theyre all either boring or annoying or yknow, cant stop staring at the ladies. (Points to her chest.)
(She throws her bag inside, and starts to climb through the window. She gets halfway in and the window slams shut on her butt.)
Joey: Oh Monica. (goes over and hugs her, then looks at the form and stops hugging her.) Wow, this guy's an astronaut. That would've been cool, (sees Monica) for like a day. (hugs her again).
GUY: Alright, fine. [on the phone] I'll call you back. [hands the phone to her]
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving her last cup of coffee.]
Phoebe: No, I-I mean your-your old best friend, here. (hands her the picture) Lily, from high school. Remember?
(She goes over to the snack table, and Joey quickly runs over and pours her a cup of coffee.)
Bonnie: (coming back from her swim) Hey!
[Scene: The Moondance Diner, Rachel is talking to Monica about her job.]
(Brenda pulls a chair to the counter and uses it to get up on the counter in order to clean the top of the cabinets. Monica sneaks over, bends over, and tries to see the stain. That doesnt work so she sticks her head between Brendas legs. Suddenly Brenda changes her stance and traps Monicas head between her legs.)
[cut to Monica opening the door of the beach house, with Chandler trying to pick her up for a date.]
Vince: (to Phoebe) Look, I gotta go. I'm on call tonight. (kisses her) See you Saturday. (leaves)
Ross: Ah y'know, this building is on my paper route so I... (gives her a flower)
Rachel: (throws her stuff down) I was gonna give you a chance to apologise to me.
[Scene: Phoebe Sr.s house, its right after she told Phoebe that shes her birth mother.]
Ross: Yes, yes I am, one of the many things Im feeling. Well.... (picks up her coat)
Past Life Phoebe: More bandages! More bandages! Please, can I get some more bandages in here! This man is dying(She is cut off by an exploding shell just outside the tent. When the smoke clears, she's missing an arm and the blood is pumping out like you'd see in a horror movie. And upon seeing her condition, she says ) Oh no.
-Cuts to Monica (She's just arrived outside his room she fixes a bent photo hanging on the wall then sprays mint in her mouth and enter)
Phoebe: Okay, Im gonna put this (her suitcase) in the car.
(Monica screams, throws the mouse down, and rubs her hands on Rosss sweater to clean them.)
Phoebe: (shocked) You know her?!
Ursula: No, I umm, I read about her in Moms suicide note.
Ursula: (disgusted) Hang on. (She goes into her apartment and slams the door in Phoebes face.)
Phoebe: Oh. (takes her beeper puts in a pot, covers it, and puts the pot in the oven)
(Joey hands her the cheese without looking at her.)
(Rachel brightly limps back across the apartment with glasses of wine for the cute doctors, leaving an open-mouthed Monica in her wake.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica enters her bedroom with a roll of duct tape. Richard is sitting on the bed.]
Rachel: Come on Phoebe, look at that! They are not breaking up, look at them. Okay thats, you know what that is? That is a, that is a second date, thats what that is! Look at that, she just put her hand on his thigh...
Rachel: Oh, you go out with him. (goes over and hugs her)
Ross: Monica and I have a grandmother who died, you both went to her funeral, name that grandmother!
Rachel: Do we have to tell her?
Ross: Yes, we have to tell her!
Monica: Oh, but its made her so happy.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Ross, Phoebe, Chandler and Monica sit round the coffee table, playing Scrabble. Rachel, still in her dressing gown, is pleading on the phone, her free hand shaking with agitation.]
Chip: No, I think its cute. (kisses her)
Joey: (voice-over) Oh-oh! And then Rosss new girlfriend, Bonnie, shows up and Rachel convinced her to save her head. And then Ross and Rachel kiss, and now Ross has to choose between Rachel and the bald girl and I dont know what happened there either...
Ross: Happy for you. (He punches her back.)
Rachel: Im sorry, sweetie. (shows her the flyer)
Monica: Hey, we can take her back with you if you want.
Rachel: You could.... say youre sorry to her mom.
[Scene: Backstage at Joeys play, Joey is changing for the next scene as Kate arrives, carrying her bags.]
Phoebe: Well, you're not, (she tries to smile and contain her anger, but loses it) You're not... you're not... again, you're not SPEAKING FRENCH!
Monica: Oh yeah, she didnt hire me out of pity, it wasnt so she could pick on me in front of her friends, she actually thinks Im good.
Monica: (Looks at her nails) Oh my God. Wait a minute, I had them put (realises) Oh my God! Its in the quiche! Oh My God!
(She starts to walk very slowly toward the front of the room. The teacher grabs her hand and pulls her. Suddenly a woman bursts in)
Joanna: (locking her door) Oh.
Chandler: Oh. (Goes and gets Phoebes book as Rachel comes in from her room.)
Rachel: You promised you would break up with her!
[Cut to Rachels office as her intercom buzzes.]
Chandler: I did break up with her! She just took it really, really well!
Monica: I'm making cookies for Erica. And oh, by the way, we have to leave for the airport soon, her plane comes in about an hour.
Rachel: Oh wow. Why dont we just take me (Grabs her pin) and put me with a Manhattan in my hand, talking to the cute bartender. (Puts her pin at the bar and laughs. Monica just glares at her.) These pins arent for playing are they?
Joey: Relax. Here hold this (hands her his beer). This old stuff just comes right off. (he bends down to try and lift some tile right in the middle of the floor, in his tight pants.)