words in movies
Joey: Im sorry, do I know you?
Joey: Nothing, Im just practicing blowing you off because Im gonna be a big movie star!
Estelle: Joey! Its Estelle! I just talked to the casting people; they loved you!
Joey: Are you kidding me? I never rent a movie without it! (Listens) Oh. (Listens) Uh, okay uh let me call you back. (Hangs up.)
Joey: I know! My grandmothers gonna see this!
Monica: Yeah. But a part of me also cant wait til its over. Chandler and I have this pact not to have sex again until the wedding.
Ross: A no sex pact huh? I actually have one of those going on with every woman in America.
Monica: I gotta make up the guest bedroom. (To Ross) Hey, Cousin Cassie is coming to stay with us a few days.
Ross: Wow, I havent seen her for like forever. I wonder if she still carries that Barbie everywhere she goes.
Ross: So what! I still haveNo youre probably right.
Rachel: Hey Pheebs, can I talk to you over here for a second?
Monica: I know youre planning my surprise bridal shower.
Joey: I dont know! Its not like its porn! This is a serious, legitimate movie. Yknow? And the nudity is really important to the story.
Joey: Youre right. Maybe I shouldnt even go on the call back.
Monica: No! No you should! A lot of major actors do nude scenes! I mean the chance to star in a movie? Come on!
Joey: Well thats true. And I am only naked in one scene. Plus it sounds really great. My characters catholic and he falls in love with this Jewish girl. Who run away together and they get caught in this big rainstorm. So we go into this barn and undress each other and hold each other. Its really sweet and-and tender.
Rachel: (calmly) Okay. Im sorry. Youre right, youre right.
Rachel: Phoebe, I already, I already did.
Phoebe: Oh okay. All right, then I need to calm down a little.
Rachel: Okay. Okay. (They sit down.) I think we can do this if we just get organized. All right? We have two days to plan this party. We just need to make fast decisions! Okay? All right, where are we gonna have it?
Phoebe: I dont know. (Timidly) A cowboy theme?
Chandler: Yknow Im-Im really glad we decided not to sleep together before the wedding.
Chandler: Yknow I was thinking if we had a a big fight and uh we broke up for a few hours
Cassie: I thought I heard voices. You must be Chandler.
Chandler: Ill be right with you.
Chandler: I was not staring at her. Okay? I was just listening intently. Its called being a good conversationalist. Watch. (Stares at Monicas eyes.) Say something.
Joey: Hey, Im back!
Joey: Uh so, will-will I be reading the same scene again?
The Casting Director: Actually, I tried to call to you. You didnt need to come down here today.
Joey: Oh great! Yknow I wouldve been perfect for this part, but whatever! Yknow, thanks for making a bad decision and ruining your movie! Good day! (Starts to leave.)
The Casting Director: So uh well the director is insisting that whoever play that part be authentically, anatomically not Jewish. Do you know what Im saying?
Joey: I dont know! I really want this part! And they tell you no matter what you get asked at an audition you say yes. Like if-if they want you to ride a horse, you tell em you can! And just figure out how to do it later.
Joey: I kn-I know! I know! Okay? And apparently tomorrow when I go in to meet the director I have to take off my clothes so that they can see what my body looks like.
Joey: I just have to call my agent and tell her I cant do the part. (Gets up for the phone.)
Monica: Well Im not sure yet, but umm of the top of my head Im thinking double sided tape and some sort of luncheon meat.
Phoebe: Hey! Ive got a great idea for party favors for the shower. Okay, we get some uh mahogany boxes and carve everyones names in them and inside is everyones individual birth stone.
Monica: Well uh, Im trying to make something for Joey. Do you mind if I raid your fridge?
Monica: Okay. (Opens the fridge.) All right, turkey. Eh, that wont work. Cheese? (Picks it up) That wont work. Olive loaf? (Picks it up) I hope that wont work.
Monica: No its umm, more like a wrap. Okay so uh, Im gonna go guys.
Monica: I guess you can get back to deciding on what to get me for a present! (Runs out.)
Phoebe: Okay but look! Look at what I got! Its her address book! (Holds it up.) We have a guest list!
Cassie: (hugs him) Its been so long! Last time I saw you, you were setting up your tent in line to see Return of the Jedi.
Cassie: Thanks for letting me stay here! I mean Monicas place was nice, but her fiancee sure stares a lot.
(She sets down her bag and we travel back to slow motion world. She once again whips her hair around in slow motion with the love doctor Barry White singing in the background. And Id also like to take this opportunity to mention that she can also be seen in Starship Troopers and that she was born in Downers Grove, Illinois which just happens to be a few miles from where I live. Anyway Cousin Ross is now staring.)
Cassie: Im all done.
Cassie: I guess the last time we really hung out was when our parents rented that beach house together.
Ross: Oh right. Right. Ooh, remember the time I uh, I pinned you down and tickled you til you cried? (She laughs) Were probably too old to do that now.
Cassie: Ill always remember that summer, because its when I got all of these freckles. (She pulls her blouse open to show him her shoulder and bra strap.)
Ross: (looking then moving away quickly) Uh-huh! Uh-huh! And-and-and Ill always remember that summer because thats when I realized that we are related.
Ross: Well Im, Im a little slow. (To himself) Just as our children would be.
Rachel: Well, I dont know. I called all the people in Monicas phone book and these are the only ones who could show up on 24 hours notice.
Rachel: (to her) Hi! Im Rachel. This is Phoebe. Im the maid of honor. How do you know Monica?
Woman: I was her accountant four years ago.
Woman: Im very interested to find out whos been doing her taxes these last four years.
Phoebe and Rachel: (to each other) I dont know.
Rachel: No I wasnt! You were supposed to tell her to come and I was supposed to bring the cake!
Phoebe: Fine, Ill go call her.
Monica: I also, did a little something in fur. But umm, thats really just for me. (Rubs it against her cheek.) Okay. So, why dont you go into your room and try these on and well seeget a better idea of whats gonna work.
Ross: (in his head) Shes your cousin. Shes your cousin! If she knew what was going on in your head shed think you were sick! (She grabs some popcorn.) Or would she? Lets back up a second. She was the one who suggested opening a bottle of wine. She was the one who turned down the lights. She was the one that wanted to rent Logans Run, the sexiest movie ever. (She grabs the blanket from behind him and looks at him.) Oh, I know that look. Forget it. I want it. She wants it. Im going in.
Ross: (in his head) Say something clever! (Pause.) Okay, doesnt have to be clever, it just has to be words. Say some words. (Pause) Any words will do. (Pause) Oh my God! This is the longest that anyone has not talked ever! (Pause) There is nothing you can say to make this worse!! So just say something!! (Pause.) (To her) I-I, I uh havent had sex in a very long time. (She leaves.) (In his head) Yeah, you really shouldnt have said anything.
Monica: Phoebe! Rachel! Its Monica! I wonder what you could possibly need me for on such short notice! (She bursts into the apartment to find only Phoebe and Rachel sitting on the couch.) Oh.
Monica: Well now, I get to spend my shower with the only people I really love! I mean, I get all those presents (Motions to the pile in the corner) without having to talk to people I dont even like!
The Director: Oh thats great! Okay, well Ive heard everything I need to hear. I just need to uh, Leslie
Joey: Oh! Hey right! Not a problem. (He starts taking off his clothes.) I totally understand. You need to yknow make sure I dont have any horrible scars or tattoos. Dont you worry; I have nothing to hide. (He drops his pants and stands back up and looks down.) So there you go, thats me. (We cut to a camera angle looking at the casting director and movie director through Joeys legs.) One hundred percent natural! (Suddenly, theres a thud as something falls off.) (Everyone is shocked.) I tell ya, that has never happened before.
Phoebe: Oh! No problem! I (Cassie emerges from the bathroom and we once again visit slow motion Barry White background music land with the sexy hair-flipping thing going on, only this time Phoebe is entranced. For more information on Denise Richards you can visit your local library or look her up on the Internet at her official website at www.deniserichards.com.)
Monica: No I dont know Chandler! Not anymore! Its like its like somethings changed.
Joey: I know!
Ross: I just wanted to tell you something before you heard it from someone else and I hope this isn't too weird, but uh, I had uh, a thing with Janice. (He laughs, his real laugh this time.) What you're-you're not mad?
Joey: I know! They suck!!
Monica: I dont know.
Monica: I dont know why Im here.
CHANDLER: Ya know I think this is much better than the coffee house.
Ross: No! Pick me! I dont want to end up an old maid!
Ross: I was not!
Ross: Ooh, I wanna switch to Rachel too!
Phoebe: (To Rachel) Im talking about massages.
RYAN: Phoebe, I have spent the last eight months in a steel tube with men, thinking about this moment. I am not gonna let a bunch of itchy spots stand between us. [He walks to her and kisses her.]
Janice: I just came by to give you a kiss, I have to go pick up the baby, so. I'll see you later sweetheart, you too Chandler. (laughs)
Mike: Well, hey, at least you're getting a proper wedding. I mean, you really deserve that.
Richard: I think thats fair.
Phoebe: Oh hey, Monica, I heard you saw Donald Trump at your convention.
Richard: I know. (Backs away.)
A Woman: What is taking so long?! I mean whatever!
Monica: Yknow, I-I I have to figure some stYknow, some stuff before I can
Joey: Well, right after I did that sex study down at NYU. (to Chandler) Hey, Remember that sweater I gave you for your birthday?
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, Im going to be out there spreading joy to the people. I mean, last year, I spread a little joy but not really enough. So this year, Im going to do the whole city.
Paul: Oh, I couldnt eat now.
Richard: Yeah, I understand. Take as much time as you want. (Pause) Ten, even twenty minutes if you need it. Ill be here. Not smoking. (Monica leaves.)
Richard: Well Im sorry.
Joey: Just now, after acting class. At first I thought she was doing some kind of scene, thats why I let people watch.
Ross: That's right, sex is off the table. (The door starts to open behind him and Dr. Green emerges) I am never having sex with you again. (Rachel stays quiet and after a few moments Ross realizes what has happened. He turns abruptly) Dr. Green, are you feeling better? (Rachel's dad glares at him with a deadly look)
Joey: (quietly) Ive got Ben.
Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, I-IHey! I did not go out with your wife! (The same woman from before enters.) Okay? I went out with her! (Points at her.)
Richard: I know. (Pause) I hate that!
Chandler: I cant talk to you now, I gotta find Monica!
Rachel: The whole night was horrible, it was pouring down rain, and when I got there, there was no Rachel Green on the list, but there was a Rachel Greep.
Joey: I am so sorry man.
Chandler: I cant believe I ruined this.
DUNCAN: Well, I've never told you this but, there were one or two times, back in college, when I'd get really drunk, go to a straight bar and wake up with a woman next to me. But I, I, I told myself it was the liquor and e-everyone experiments in college.
Joey: To her parents I think and she said you shouldnt call her. But if I were you I would.
Monica: I knew you were likely to take a wife!
Rachel: Oh Im sorry. I I-I dont meanI didnt mean to stifle you. I This is all just a little overwhelming.
Chandler: Hey, I may have no money, but I still have my pride.
Rachel: Ohhh, this is the least jealous Ive ever been!
Monica: Look, I know that you're in a place right now where you really need to hate Julie's guts, but she didn't do anything wrong. I mean, she was just a girl who met a guy, and now they go out. I really think that if you gave her a chance, you'd like her. Would you just give that a chance, for me?
Chandler: Monica and I are engaged.
Joey: Are you kidding? I love that guy! (Starts singing) Mornings here! Morning is here
Joey: You guys dont think I look 19?
Erica: I don't think so. Although, they did mention something about two heartbeats. But I thought that was just mine and the baby's. They kept saying both heartbeats are really strong, and I thought well, that's good 'cause I'm having a baby.
Monica: Yeah, but I dont think we have time.
Chandler: Know what I mean?
Paul: I dont like you going out with my daughter Ross.
Joey: I was afraid of that.
Rachel: Yeah. Oh, yeah. And I mean, the connection, I mean yknow, emotionally, mentally, physically
Ross: I meanno, its just cause, its just cause you and I were like a nightmare. (Screams.) No, but there was some good times.
Rachel: Uh-hmm, uh-hmm, yeah, yeah, I really liked your hands.
Phoebe: Its not in the apartment? (Monica gives a Come on look) Oh no. I cant believe this is happening again.
Ross: Yeah? I was good at the stuff huh?
Monica: Hey! (she sits down next to him) Its me. Mon-i-ca! Can I just tell you how proud I am of you.
ROSS: But I don't know it. What I do know is that you owe $2300 at Isn't it Chromantic.
MR. GELLER: Tell you what, maybe one of these weekends you can borrow the car and I cou. . .
RACHEL: And then, I don't know, I mean you'd pull me really close to you so that, so that I'd be pressed up, you know, right against you. And, um, it would get kind of sweaty and uh, and blurry, and then it's just happening.
Monica: So Rach! Youre the first guest at Hotel Monica! Umm, youll just have to tell me how you like your eggs in the morning. And I thought I would bring them to you, yknow, in bed. Oh, you have been through so much.
Rachel: Well I
Phoebe: Yknow, birds have a very good sense of direction, and I thought maybe they could help us find where the presents are hidden.
Ross: Thats impossible! I mean we have had a deal for years! We-we-we shook on it, although believe me she wanted to do a lot more than that.
Joey: I did it anyway.
Joey: Okay, look, I think we have to tell Rachel she messed up her dessert.
Monica: Yeah. The great thing about the jam plan was, I was taking control of my life. So I asked myself, what is the most important thing to me in the world and that's when I came up with the baby plan.
Joey: Err... I just figured it out! You know, I mean you're not working and the economy is bad.
Phoebe: Hey you guys, I dont mean to make things worse, but umm, I dont want to live with Rachel anymore.
Rachel: Honey I swear it we just kissed.
Monica: (interrupting) Can I ask you just a little question, huh? Why tonight?
Mr. Thompson: I think it was valued at 19,000
Chandler: (angrily) I dont think thats what they were talking about Joe!!
Monica: Yknow what? I-I think that umm, I dont feel like going to The Plaza.
Joey: (gasps) Im 30!
Charlie: Joey is a great guy, but we're just... so different! I mean, during your speech he kept laughing at homo erectus!
Phoebe: (shes strumming something) Yeah? (Joey nods yes.) Okay, I think Ill play it at the wedding.
Joey: Yeah! Well, I think well see if they actually let you play. Huh? I mean they tell you anything you want to hear like-like, "You look 19," and then they just take it away like-like, "No you dont."
Phoebe: Well, I dont think Monica is gonna take this away.
Monica: No-no, I-I really dont want to talk about it! I dont! (To Rachel) Especially with you. (Goes into her room.)
Ross: Hey, I just realized we kinda let some stuff up in the air
Rachel: I care!
Ross: Look, just because some idiot drew on your face doesn't mean you shouldn't have any fun! Okay? And besides, hey-hey-hey no one is even gonna look at you. Okay? This is Vegas! Hello! There are tons of other freaks here! (Rachel turns around and glares at him.) There are tons of freaks here. No other. No. Come on! No one will notice, I swear!
Rachel: What do you think Monica mean when she said she didnt want to talk, especially with me? I mean, why not especially you and me? We were both out there kissing.
Monica: I love you!
Rachel: Am I going to let you watch me undress?
Rachel: (yelling from the living room) Oh wait-wait-wait!! No! Dont go in there! Dont go in there! I need another soda!
Chandler: If marriage worked, Id be all for it. But do you know what the divorce rate in this country is? 97%.
Phoebe: Oh, I see. (Exits angrily.)
Chandler: See, Im not bad at this fixing up thing, huh?
Rachel: Oh we were, but that was just a (pause as the audience reacts), I mean that was just a big drunken mistake.
Phoebe: Yknow, I dont really their permission.
Rachel: I swear, I never wanted any part of your night!
Rachel: Monica, yknow what? The only reason I did that was because your party was so boring!
Mrs. Geller: I actually needed to talk to you before the birth.
Rachel: Ugh, Monica I dont want to steal your stupid thunder!
Monica: I just thought it would be nice if I could have just this one night!
Rachel: Y'know I cant believe I even thought about getting back together again! We are so over!!
Rachel: (ignoring them) Monica, why? Why would I ever want to take away from your night?
MRS GREEN: You didn't marry your Barry. I did.
Ross: Oh, I see, so everybody wins.
Phoebe: Oh, I know, we should have been more prepared. (she looks around) It's okay. Now, the way I see it, our real competition now is Cameron. Oh my God, they just took her sweater off. Look at those arms! Hello Michelin Man.
Chandler: (to Richards date) And uh, you dont have a mustache which is good. (She just smiles.) Im Chandler; I make jokes when Im uncomfortable.