words in movies
Part I Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Part II Written by: Greg Malins & Scott Silveri Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
Rachel: No! No! It's just that all the people in the entire world that I want to talk to are right here.
Joey: Hey Pheebs! Listen, uh can you do me a favor? I forgot the pin number to my ATM card can, can you get it for me?
Joey: Uh, I scratched it on the ATM machine down on the corner.
Chandler: (To Phoebe) Y'know what? I have been trying to apologize to him all week! If he's not gonna let me do it on the phone, I'm gonna go down there and do it in person.
Joey: Uhh Pheebs, I heard that. Can you put him on?
Chandler: No-no-no-no, I've supported you one hundred percent and I want to prove that to you in person!
Joey: I got that! I forgive ya! Don't come out here!
Monica: Okay, you can not tell Chandler. Okay? That I ran into Richard.
Phoebe: That is so weird! I had a dream that you'd have lunch with Richard.
Monica: The strange part was, he was really nice, umm and he looks great, but I didn't feel anything at all!
Monica: Because it would totally freak him out and tomorrow's our anniversary. I just don't want anything to spoil that.
Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you guys lasted a whole year!
Monica: I know.
Phoebe: Wow! I owe Rachel 20 bucks!
Chandler: I know. Can you believe it? One year ago today I was just your annoying friend Chandler.
Monica: I got you a present!
Monica: I know, but you have to open it today! (Hands it too him.)
Chandler: Yeah, I think we should see other people.
Rachel: Well, I guess I could take a couple days off work.
Rachel: Oh no, wait a minute, wait, I've got a presentation tomorrow. I can't miss that.
Chandler: I said art lover.
Chandler: I don't know, I'm very tired.
Ross: So Rach, maybe you and I could fly out together Saturday.
Rachel: No! So I can be by myself. Y'know? Have a little alone time.
Rachel: No! Phoebe just because I'm alone doesnt mean I wanna walk around naked. I mean, you live alone, you don't walk around naked.
Phoebe: Okay, what about after I give you these candies? (Hands them each one from her purse.)
Chandler: Yeah, I guess it's a little better now.
Monica: Aww! I love you!
Chandler: Can I give you a present now?
Chandler: Okay! (He grabs his carryon and starts rummaging through it.) Oh man! Dont tell me I did this!
Monica: I love the "I forgot the present" fake out!
Chandler: How do you feel about the, "I really did forgot the present, please forgive me" not fake out?
Monica: Okay, I umm, I ran into Richard yesterday and he asked me if I wanted to go for a bite and I did. The only reason I didn't tell you is because I knew you'd get mad and I didn't want to spoil our anniversary.
Rachel: (takes off her robe) Oh! Look what happened! {Don't get your hopes up guys, we only get to see her from the back or from the neck up. Its times like these I wish that the networks would broadcast some nudity other than Denis Franz's butt.} (In her head.) Huh, check me out! I'm in my kitchen naked! I'm picking up an orange. (Does so) I'm naked! (Goes into the living room) Lighting the candles, naked, and carefully. (She backs anything that might have a point like a candle on her body away.)
Ross: (in his head) Oh my God! That's Rachel naked! I can't look at that! I am looking at this. (Looks back at his book.) Okay, vivid colors, expressive brush strokesUnless she wants me to be looking at that. She knows I'm home. She knows I can see her. What kind of game is she playing? I think maybe someone's lonely tonight. Oh-ho, Dr. Geller! Stop it! You're being silly! Or, am I?
[Cut back to Monica and Rachel's apartment, Rachel is singing along with a song and dancing while facing the big picture window. Y'know, I think I'd pay real good money to be on the other side of that window!]
Ross: May I come in?
Ross: So do I. (Slowly walks in.) Okay Rach, before anything happens (He takes off his coat) I just want to lay down a couple of ground rules. (Turns back to face her.) This is just about tonight. I don't to go through with this if it's going to raise the question of "Us." (Rachel's confused) Okay? I just want this to be (Kicks off his left shoe) about what it is! (Kicks off the other one.)
Rachel: Noo!! No! You thought, you actually thought I wanted to have sex with you?!
Rachel: Ohh wow! Im sorry, but Ross you kicked off your shoes!
Ross: All right I guess I'm, gonna go pack. (Starts to leave)
Phoebe: For 99 cents, I'd eat you. (Sees the casino) Okay, I can totally settle down here. It's got everything I could ever want, including Joey! Look! (Points to Joey in his gladiator suit posing for a picture with two old ladies.) Oh! Look! Hi!
Joey: What-what are you guys doing here? I thought I told you not to come.
Joey: Uhh, because I'm shooting a scene right now. Yeah, I uh, I play a gladiator. Uh, y'know what? Hold-hold on a second. (To no one in particular) Can we cut? Yeah, my-my friends are here, I'm gonna take a little break.
Joey: They uh director. Uhh, her. (Points to an old woman standing behind him. Who glares at him and walks off.) All right, all right, it's not a gladiator movie. I work here.
Joey: Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell ya. (To Chandler) I'm sorry man.
Monica: I knew you were not okay with that.
Monica: You're right. I'm sorry. I should've told you.
Phoebe: I love Vegas!
Monica: I promise you, next time I will absolutely tell you.
Monica: I can not see him? I mean, you can't tell me what to do!
Chandler: That's so funny, because I think I just did!
Monica: Oh y'know what? If you're gonna be acting like this all night, I really, I don't even want to be around you.
Joey: Hey-hey don't look at me! I just work here! (Walks away.)
Rachel: No, not really. I mean you've seen me naked hundreds of times.
Rachel: Okay. All right, that's true! But y'know I just don't embarrass that easily.
Rachel: No, I don't! Ross, I think I'm just a more secure person than you are.
Ross: (loudly so that everyone can hear) Hey lady! I don't care how much you want it! Okay?! I am not gonna to have sex with you in the bathroom! (Rachel sinks lower on her chair trying to hide.)
Chandler: (interrupting in the nick of time) Joey, I uh! I can't believe this is how I'm spending my anniversary.
Chandler: Y'know, if I won $5,000 I'd join a gym, y'know build up my upper body and hit Richard from behind with a stick! (Mimics it.)
Joey: Wait a minute! Why don't I do what that guy did? I'll take this $100 and turn it into $5,000! And then I'll turn that into enough money to get my movie going again!
Joey: Chandler! I don't need luck. I have thought this through!
Chandler: I see.
Monica: I can't believe this! This is like the worst night ever!
Phoebe: Y'know Monica you had a minor setback in your relationship with Chandler. Big deal! It's only Chandler. (Monica turns and stares at her.) I am so sorry.
Monica: This is crazy! I mean, it's such a stupid argument. I don't even wanna see Richard again.
Rachel: Ross! What are you I'm sorry sir. I just, I think he just really likes you.
The Flight Attendant: Miss? May I help you?
Joey: (to the dealer) Can I change a hundred? (He hands him his chip.)
Joey: Chandler! You are not gonna believe this! I have found my identical hand twin!
Joey: Dont you see what this means?! I can forget about that stupid movie. I'm gonna be a millionaire!
Joey: Look, I don't have it all worked out yet, but it's gotta mean big money! Come on! Identical hands!
Chandler: Again I must go back to, how?
Chandler: No! No! I support you 100%! I just didn't, I didn't get it right away. Y'know now I'm caught up! Identical hand twins! It's a million-dollar idea!
Joey: I found my identical hand twin!
Phoebe: I wonder where she is. That is so weird.
Phoebe: Good. (After he leaves, she puts on Joey's gladiator helmet and checks herself out in the mirror) I should really start wearing hats!
[Scene: Caesar's Palace Casino, Chandler is looking for Monica while Tom Jones's signature song is playing in the background (Getting the theme yet? Tom Jones, Wayne Newton, casinos They're in Vegas people! Catch up!) It's Not Unusual, y'know, "It's not unusual to be loved by anyone! It's not unusual to have fun with anyone! But when I see you hanging about with anyone, it's not unusual to see me cry! I wanna die." Well, while that's playing he spots Monica playing craps and in victory hug the guy next to her. Chandler turns and walks out.]
Rachel: Yes, I did. Thank you very much, it was excellent. (Disembarks)
Ross: I think the check in is that way. (Points)
Rachel: What are you talking about Pheebs? (Takes out her compact) I don't (She gasps when she looks in the mirror and sees her face.) (To Ross) Oh my God, you drew on me?!
Rachel: Ross, I have been walking around like this since the plane! I canyou have so crossed a line. (Heads for the bathroom)
Phoebe: That's like the third time that lady's won on a machine I was playing.
Rachel: No, actually I took it off then I drew it back on.
Ross: Hey listen I uh, talked to Chandler, sorry about the movie.
Joey: No, don't be sorry. I don't need it anymore. I found my identical hand twin!
Monica: All right baby, come on! (Rolls the dice) Yes! Yes! I am on fire!
Monica: What? Wait! Why? (He turns and heads for the door and she chases after him.) Chandler! Chandler! Wait! Im sorry, I was just playing for one second! I was trying to find you to tell you that, look if you don't want me to see Richard again, I won't! He means nothing to me!
Chandler: Come on! I was there! (He's propped up with his hand on a statute of a naked guy. He winces and pulls his hand away.) I know he's the love of your life.
Chandler: Yeah, I wanted to make a dramatic scene, but I hate packing.
The Woman Dealer: I don't know about the hands, but the guy that was here before me just went to the bathroom.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's hotel room, Rachel is still trying to get the ink off and Ross is on the phone to the company. Wait a minute, why exactly are they sharing a hotel room? Didn't they like break-up or something? Did I miss a memo? Or maybe, it's just foreshadowing things to come. Who knows? Maybe the answer's at the bottom of the page. Then again, maybe it isn't and it's just one of those things TV writers just don't explain. Anyhoo ]
Ross: (on the phone) Yes, hello. I have a question. Umm, I used your pen to draw on my friend's face. (Listens) A beard and a moustache. (Listens and laughs) Thank you. (Rachel turns around and glares at him.) No, she didn't think so. (Listens) I know it's like (turns and sees Rachel staring at him and quickly changes the subject) anyway, umm well make-up didn't cover it and we've tried everything to get it off and nothing's worked. What-what do we do? (Listens) Yeah. (Listens) Uh-huh. (Listens) Yeah. (Listens) Oh! Okay. (Listens) Okay, thank you! (Rachel gets excited at his tone.) (Hangs up the phone) Yeah, it's not coming off.
Ross: Umm, he said he thought I was funny. So (Rachel stares at him.) Okay, look-look umm, let's just go downstairs, we'll have some fun, and you will forget all about it.
Rachel: Ross, no! There is no way I am leaving this room looking like this!
Rachel: Ross, I am a human doodle!!
Ross: Look, just because some idiot drew on your face doesn't mean you shouldn't have any fun! Okay? And besides, hey-hey-hey no one is even gonna look at you. Okay? This is Vegas! Hello! There are tons of other freaks here! (Rachel turns around and glares at him.) There are tons of freaks here. No other. No. Come on! No one will notice, I swear!
Rachel: Okay, I need a, I need a drink! (Makes a beeline for the mini-bar.)
Monica: Yeah, I couldn't be mad at him for too long.
Phoebe: I know. Use it.
Joey's Hand Twin: Do I know you?
Joey: Look, you and I have been given a gift. Okay? We have to do something with it. Like-like, hand modeling! Huh? Or-or magic! And you know NASA's gonna wanna talk to us!
Joey's Hand Twin: (tries to leave) I have to get back to
Joey: (stopping him) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa-whoa! We could have our own show! Y'know we could clap our hands together people will love it! Huh? And-and-and I wrote a song for us! (Singing, to the tune of This Land is Your Land) This hand is your hand! This hand is my hand! Oh wait, that's your hand! No wait, it's my hand!
Rachel: I bet 20.
Monica: That's right baby! Okay, what do I want now?
Monica: Okay, good! Okay, what do I want now?
Chandler: (sees the roll) Yes!! I love you! I can't even remember what we were fighting about!
Monica: Oh, that's because I had lunch with RichMe neither! Okay, what do I want now?
Chandler: Okay, okay, I tell you what. You roll another hard eight; (pause) and we get married here tonight.
Chandler: Yes! I love you! I've never loved anybody as much as I love you.
Monica: I've never loved anybody as much as I love you.
Chandler: Okay, so if an eight comes up, we take it as a sign and we do it! {Whoa! Where have I heard that before? Matthew Perry talking about signs in Las Vegas. I guess it must've been some movie I saw.} What do you say?
Monica: I think so too.
(Cue up the music as they move in and kiss. This time I think it's Perry Como, but I'm not sure. It's Everybody loves somebody, sometime! Everybody falls in love somehow! Something in your kiss, just told me, my sometime, is now!)
The Lurker: I don't want to see you lose a chunk of that pretty blond hair!
Phoebe: Yeah, from now on everyone you lurk, I'm gonna lurk first! You move on to someone else, I'm gonna be one step ahead of you, every single time! And then I'll be on your ass every hour of every day 'til Monday, because that's when I go home. When do you leave?
Rachel: Yeah, and also we need more umm, drinks. Hold on a second. (Gets up but stumbles a little bit.) Whup, okay. (She makes it to the phone and picks it up, without dialing.) Hello! Vegas? Yeah, we would like some more alcohol, and y'know what else? We would like some more beers. Hello? Ohh, I forgot to dial!
Ross: Ohh, it's Joey! I love Joey! (Hugs him.)
Rachel: Ohh, I love Joey! Joey lives with a duck! (Goes and hugs Joey.)
Joey: Look-look-look you guys, I need some help! Okay? Someone is going to have to convince my hand twin to cooperate!
Ross: I wanna get out of the room! Y'know, I I really miss downstairs.
Phoebe: I won! I won! I finally won!
The Lurker: I won! That was my quarter!
Phoebe: No! No, you can't arrest me! No!! I won't go back! I won't go back to that hell hole!!
Monica: Okay, come on, I can't get married until I get something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue.
Monica: You're so efficient. I love you!
Chandler: Ohh, great, I have condom in my wallet I've had since I was twelve.
Chandler: I don't think so.
[Scene: A blackjack table, Joey is moving in to try and get his hand twin (who's dealing) to join him in his evil plot to rule the world! "Join me, and together we'll rule the universe as father and son!" (Sorry, I had a little Star Wars creep in thereOoh, I have a big spoiler for The Phantom Menace, Yoda lives at the end! Ha-ha, spoiled it! Now you don't have to see it!)]
Joey: No-no, I don't really have any money. Not yet, anyway (Shakes his hands.)
Phoebe: (entering and sitting down at the table.) Hello. My name is Regina Phalange. I'm a businesswoman in town on business. Would you like to see my card? (Looks down) Ooh, what did I do with my file-a-facts? I must've left it in conference room B.
Phoebe: Oh my God! May I just say that you two gentlemen have the exact same hands! They're identical! Now, I've never seen anything like that in the business world.
Joey: Uhh, Ms. Phalange, may I ask you a question as an impartial person at-at this table?
Joey's Hand Twin: (To Joey) If you leave now, I will chop off my hand and give it too you!
The Security Guard: (To Phoebe) Didn't I just throw you out of here?
Rachel: This was such a huge mistake. I cant tell him Phoebe. I cant, I cant, I cant, I cant
Dr. Green: I have no idea, I went to the bathroom. So sweetie, you were starting to tell me what is uh, what is new with you.
Dr. Green: (laughs) Poppy. (To Phoebe) Oh, Im gonna be a poppy. (Stops laughing) So when is the wedding?
Mona: So, I gotta get going.
Ross: Well, I was gonna say sweet, but yeah-huh!
Ross: Well I I havent actually told her yet. I dont want to scare her off, yknow?
CHANDLER: [running out of his apartment after a girl] Ok, ok, you can be shirts and I'll be skins. I'll be skins. [sits down beside Rachel] Hey, how you holdin' up there, tiger? Oh, sorry, when my parents were getting divorced I got a lot of tigers. Got a lot of champs, chiefs, sports, I even got a governor.
Emily: I dont care! You just get him!
Chandler: All right fine! But Im only doing this for you!
Cecilia: All right Joey, I will help you. Not because I-I owe it to this stupid show, but because I owe it to Jessica.
Joey: Im gonna be an uncle! Come here! (He joins the hug.)
Chandler: Honey! Thats crazy! I dont want you to get me a stripper
Rachel: What, so I can't lokk nice? There might be doctors there.
Rachel: All right here he comes. Im gonna do this, Im gonna tell him, Im gonna be strong.
Monica: Please! I feel so bad! Just watch the hot woman get naked!
Joey: (on cell phone) Im sorry I gotta cancel tonight baby
Mr. Geller: Well, I used your boxes to divert water away from the Porsche.
Rachel: Im sorry daddy.
Rachel: Okay, okay, I checked. We have: Earl Grey, English Breakfast, Cinnamon Stick, Camomile, Mint Medley, Blackberry, and.. oh, wait, there's one more, um.. Lemon Soother. You're not the guy that asked for the tea, are you? (Guy shakes his head) Okay.
Rachel: I know. I know. I panicked, I panicked. I didnt want him to start yelling at me like I was some 74 Latour.
Monica: No, he's not. And if I can't get pregnant with you, then I don't want to get pregnant by... him or anyone else.
Dr. Green: I dont believe this!!
Ross: Oh I know, isn't it? Ooh... what'd you do to get her to laugh?
Monica: Yeah! I bet I can do it.
Rachel: Yes. Yes, he says Im damaged goods.
Ross: No, its not what I want either. I mean I-I cant force myself to fall in love with her again now.
Ross: Its Ben and his Da-Da. Da-Da? Can you say Da-Da? Yknow, you might as well say it because I told your
Stripper: Im waiting.
[Chandler makes a fake "I know I couldnt believe it either" gesture.]
Rachel: Well Umm, I got TiVo.
Rachel: Ewww. Yeah. Umm. I think Im gonna stay here.
Mona: Oh my God! Oh my God! Im so sorry!
Monica: Oh no, I already packed. The only thing I couldnt find though was your Speedo.
Mrs. Bing: Alright, well, be good, I love you. (Kisses him and goes to leave)
Ross: No! No sir umm, she means a lot to me. I mean, I careI-I love Rachel.
Ross: Im sorry. Dr. Green, Mona. Mona, Dr. Green.
Ross: (To Mona) But I didnt want to.
Ross: (to Mona) Oh but not that way. I mean I mean Im not in love with her. I love her like a, like a friend.
Rachel: Oh no, I know that. I know that. Although, we made a joke that we spend so much time together he should call me his work wife.
Chandler: I cant believe there is a naked hooker in there!
Hooker: Do you mind if I smoke in here?
Billy: Thomas, this is gonna be hard, but I wanted it to come from me, and nobody else.
Ross: I was going to tell you, but
Joey: Youre right. Maybe I shouldnt even go on the call back.
Joey: Pantyhose! Yknow? They way they start at your toe and go all the way up to here (He mimed that and stops when he realized he went to far.) I should go take these off shouldnt I?
Ross: No! No! No! No! No! I-I-I-II need to, I need to lie down.
Rachel: I cant. Im busy. Im apartment hunting.
Joey: I miss this.
Joey: I dont want to. You do it!
Joey: You shut up! (To Phoebe and Rachel) I love arguing with her. (To Erin) Ill be right back.
Joey: Are you kidding me? I never rent a movie without it! (Listens) Oh. (Listens) Uh, okay uh let me call you back. (Hangs up.)
Chandler: (angrily) Did she call? You-you told her I was sick right? Always tell her I am sick!
Kim: Hi Rachel. Ohh, Ive been meaning to ask you. Have you seen the new Ralph Lauren sheets? Ohh, what am I thinking. Of course you have.
Chandler: Well yknow, things are different. Im Im married now.
Hooker: Oh God! Listen, I am this close to robbing you guys. (Does the close sign.)
Rachel: Well yeah, but then I remembered I started it and there was this pep rally and I was, I was on top of the pyramid but anywayumm, what is this book about?
Monica: Wow! Look at this! (Picking up a shirt.) I cant believe I even fit into this shirt! (She holds it up and it reads: Tyrannosaurus Ross.) (She turns it around and looks at it.) Oh, this is yours. (Hands it to Ross.)
Monica: I can't believe he did this.
Rachel: Ross Im so sorry. Okay. I-I will promise I will straighten this out with him tomorrow in person, or via e-mail.
Ross: No! I talked to Joey on the set, he hasnt heard from him. I-I-I talked to Chandlers parents again!
Rachel: All right, I promise. Ill fix this. I swear. Ill-Ill-Ill-Ill talk to her.
Monica: (depressed) Thats right. Im no longer a bride. Ill never be a bride again. Now, Im just someones wife!
ROSS: Not at all! I love this guy. Hey, I was so psyched to hear you're back with my sister!
Ross: Should I leave this open for you too?
Phoebe: Ohh! All right! All right. Heres what well do, Ill get twice as drunk as Monica and then no ones will even notice her.
Mona: Im not sure yet. Why didnt you just tell me about all this?
Mona: Yknow, I-I-I just I dont want to get in the middle of something so complicated.
Mona: How can I be sure on that?
Chandler: I swallowed the sonic blaster gun.
Mona: Okay, I guess you can close the door now. (He does so and they kiss.)
Monica: Yknow what? Im gonna make this up to you. I promised you a stripper (turns on the radio), and youre gonna get a stripper. (She starts to strip.)
Monica: Ooh, these tennis shoes are so tight. I think Ill take them off. (Goes to do so.)
Phoebe: Ooh, if you take the northern route there's a man in Illinois with a beard of bees. {Okay, I must protest this, I've lived in Illinois all my life and know of no man with a beard of bees! Wisconsin, on the other hand, might be a different story.}
Joey: I didnt look at it. Stupid babys head was blocking most of it.
Ross: Oh, I am sorry, did you not like her, because I was hoping that we could come to one of your kissing parties onthe balcony.
Ross: Hey! Oh, Im so glad you guys are here. Ive been dying to tell someone what happened in the Paleontology department today.
Monica: All right okay, just so you know, Im not gonna make a turkey this year.
Joey: I just want you to say it once in a while.
3rd Customer: Actually I do have one small complaint.
Joey: No there wont! I promise I will finish that turkey!
Phoebe: Anything I can do to help?
Ross: Can I ask you something? Have you ever had a guy have a crush on you?
Rachel: Okay, fine. Gunther, y'know what, I am a terrible waitress, do you know why Im a terrible waitress? Because, I dont care. I dont care. I dont care which pot is regular and which pot is decaf, I dont care where the tray spot is, I just dont care, this is not what I want to do. So I dont think I should do it anymore. Im gonna give you my weeks notice.
Chandler: I have no idea.
Ross: (playing the drunk uncle) When Monica was a little girl, I remember that(Phoebe screams and tackles him)Ooh!! Ow! Very good!
Chandler: Yeah! Im just pretending to watch the game so I dont have to help out with stuff.
Chandler: Nope! Every once and a while I just scream stuff at the TV.
Monica: Oh, I didnt know you liked football.
Phoebe: I dont believe you! That is brilliant! And Monica has no idea?
Phoebe: Well I want to get in on this. Hey Mon? I dont think I can help you after all, I didnt realize this game was on.
Monica: Oh umm, I meant to tell you, Ross is coming.
Ross: Ok! (he takes the camera and walks backwards to take a shot) See? Scared of swings, I bet you feel pretty silly (a swinging boy knocks him down) Ow!
Chandler: Im watching the game, but Im not deaf!
Will: Ross is coming. Great! I love Ross!
Monica: Isn't that sad? I mean, can you see how pathetic that is? You shouldn't be jealous. You should feel bad for him.
Ross: 'S'funny, um, uh, we agreed we'd spend the rest of our lives together. Things change, roll with the punches. I believe Julia's on the table..?
Rachel: I just purchased the La-Z-Boy E-cliner 3000. (Which is an actual product by the way, Im not sure about the 3000 part.)
Joey: Oh! Maybe its because Im on television. Im an actor on Days of Our Lives.
Rachel: Hi! Im Rachel Green.
Joey: (To Rachel) Its like me when I was born.