words in movies
Chandler: That is funny. It was also funny when I made it up.
(Rachel is looking at the magazine and laughing.)
Rachel: Im sorry, I was just reading the joke below it. Man, that one is funny. (Ross grabs the magazine away from her.)
[Scene: Joeys apartment, Joey is sitting at the counter as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Dude, you have got to turn on Behind the Music. The band Heart is having a really tough time, and I think they may break up.
Chandler: What? No, I want to watch this. (He turns on the television and the screen is completely covered in snow). Did your cable go out?
Chandler: Joey, why is your cable out?
Ross: What, you didnt get it? The doctor is a monkey.
Ross: Your joke? Well, I think the Hef would disagree, which is why he sent me a check for one hundred ah-dollars.
Chandler: Well, she is going to know that you stole the joke.
Monica: Its wrong. You know what else is wrong? Phoebe picking Rachel.
Phoebe: Fine. The reason that I was leaning a little bit more toward Rachel than you is just that youre just kinda high maintenanceOkay lets go to lunch!
Monica: That is completely untrue. You think Im high maintenance? Okay, prove it. I want you to make a list and were going to go through it point by point!
Rachel: All right, wherever you wanna go is cool.
Chandler: So is your apron. Youre wearing it like a cape.
Rachel: Well, you know what? This is great. Finally, I have someone I can pass on my wisdom too. Let me tell you about a couple of things I learned while working at the coffeehouse. First of all, the customer is always right. (Joey nods.) A smile goes a long way. (Joey smiles) And if anyone is ever rude to you? Sneeze muffin.
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachels, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Rachel and Monica enter.]
Monica: So, maybe I am a little high maintenance. And maybe Rachel is a little bit of a pushover. But you know what we decided you are?
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is coming back from using the phone.]
Joey: Oh, man, I could totally get that part. Im sorry, that seat is taken.
Joey: Exactly! All right, everybody, listen up. The coffeehouse is going to be closed for about an hour.
Chandler: Okay, okay. You have to help us decide whose joke this is.
Ross: Well each tell you how we came up with the joke and then you decide which one of us is telling the truthme.
Monica: Oh, wait, is he the guy I met at Christmas?
Chandler: So Steve said he had to go to the doctor. And Steves doctors name is Doctor Muppy. So I said, Doctor Monkey? And that is how the whole Doctor Monkey thing came up. (He slams his feet up on the table to emphasize his point.)
Monica: You are both idiots. The joke is not funny, and its offensive to women, and doctors, and monkeys! You shouldnt be arguing over who gets credit, you should be arguing over who gets blamed for inflicting this horrible joke upon the world! Now let it go! The joke sucks!
Chandler: Is not.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting at a table and Phoebe is on the couch. Chandler and Monica can be seen outside, shes lecturing him, and pushes him inside. He then nods to Rachel, and is obviously counting off the seconds in his head and then Monica makes a grand enterance.]
Chandler: (starts to recite a rehearsed speech) Monica is a self-sufficient, together lady. (Pause.) Being with her has been like being on a vacation. And what may be perceived as high maintenance is merely attention to detail and(He falters and Monica prompts him.)generosity of spirit.
Rachel: Wow, you know what? That is the best fake speech I think Ive ever heard.
Phoebe: Wow! That is a bad audition.
Rachel: Joey, you cant let him get away with that. Ya know what, Im not going to let him get away with that. Im going to say something to himNo, I really shouldnt say anythingNo, I should say something to him. (Goes to the counter) Gunther, I want you to give Joey his job back. That is really not fair that you have to fire him
(Phoebe gets up from the table, and while her back is turned, Rachel and Monica indicate via sign language that they each would have picked the other.)
(They hear Monica trying to unlock the door. So Phoebe quickly pushes his head down onto the table to make it look like the turkey is just sitting on a platter and not stuck on Joey's head.)
Chandler: Yeah. Well, I think our second fight is going to be a big one!
Monica: It sure is nice to do this together, isnt it?
Ross: Well, apparently not, and I cant just stand by and watch two people I care about very much be hurt over something that is so silly. I mean, enough of the silliness!
Doctor: Oh, here is your beautiful baby. Congratulations!
Rachel: Aw, its unbelievable! Wow! She is kicking so much! Oh, shes like umm oh whos that kind of annoying girl soccer player?
[Cut to the hallway, Chandler is putting tape on the bottom of his shoes.]
[Scene: Phoebes apartment building, in desperation she has wrapped up the smoke detector in a blanket and is going to throw it into the trash chute.]
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, I will do it. Honey, you have to learn to sit down and relax and let your husband take care of things once and awhile. (Tries the door.) Its locked, you have to help me. Why is it locked?
Ticket Agent: (On the P.A.) This is the boarding call for Flight 009.
[Scene: Chandler and Monicas, Chandler is sitting at the kitchen table eating cheesecake. The box it came in is also on the table.]
[Scene: Phoebe's Apartment, Monica is lying on the massage table waiting for Phoebe.]
Joey: Oh man, this is great, uh? The three of us together again! You know what would be fun? If we gave this present to Emma from all of us!
Ross: Oh! (Does a laugh/groan.) Listen umm, I, I just stopped by to see if you wanted to see this play tonight. Umm, its supposed to be excellent. The director is the same
Rachel: Who is it?
[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is behind the counter as Ross enters looking for Chandler.]
Joey: Maybe. So this is the living room huh? Ooh, it's pretty dark. (starts feeling around him like he's in a completely dark room, touching Chandler, who backs out and hits him)
Joey: So but everything is normal.
Ross: (rushes in) Is everything okay?
Rachel: But IBut everything is okay. Im fine!
[Scene: The Hospital, Joey is in the waiting room as Rachel comes back out with the doctor.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch as Monica enters.]
Rachel: Yeah, Ill be fine. But could someone please make sure that sandwich is gone when I get out there?
Rachel to Emma: Oh Emma. This is going to be your first Thanksgiving. What are you thankful for? Mommy's bobbies.
Monica: Ok, let's see... Oh, the cranberry sauce, it is easy to make and no-one really cares about it.
Joey: No, Rach, I shouldve told you sooner. Its just that Man! That kid is going to town! (Joey makes his awkward exit.)
Rachel: I dont know. Is it crazy?
Phoebe: Is it me, or is veto starting to sound really good?
Ross: No! No its not. Joey, this is a smart idea.
Rachel: (joining them) Well, I just checked our messages and Joshua didnt call. I mean youd think hed be worried about me not showing up at his club. Ugh, you know what makes it so much worse, Ross is all happy in Vermont!
Monica: Oh myThis is so embarrassing. Oh my God, Im never gonna get massaged again!
Phoebe: Joey, I just think youre getting worked up over nothing. This is probably just a crush.
PHOEBE: OK. [singing] Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat [back up singers - smelly, smelly, smelly, really bad smelly cat, it's not your fault] OK, sorry. I'm just, I'm just not getting that everyone um, gets how smelly this cat acually is. I just think that maybe if we could talk about this, 'cause I need to feel that you really care about the cat.
[Scene: The Freeman Building, Ross is entering his new class completely out of breath.]
Joey: Look, which one of us is gonna be having sex in there, me or you?
Joey: Hey, hey... I can convince people to do anything, you know. I bet I can even get Mike to do that "thing". What is it?
[Scene: Phoebe's Apartment, Phoebe is giving Monica another massage.]
Ross: That only is not funny, it's physically impossible! Ok? Depending on the species I'd have to have a six foot long... (pause) It's not funny!!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is at the kitchen table and Chandler is in the living room.]
Ross: Yknow what, I dont know how comfortable I am going to see how hot the sex is between some guy and your girlfriend.
Ross: What is it?
Rachel: Oh my god. Ok you guys, theres Danny. Watch. Just watch this. (He walks past the couch to the counter.) See?! Still pretending hes not interested. Ohh, hes coming over. Just pretend like we dont know him. Weve forgotten who he is.
[Scene: Joey and wait just Joeys. Joey is sitting at the counter eating a pizza.]
Rachel: Okay, Ross, Phoebe is my girlfriend, okay, we tell each other everything. You know, I mean, come on, guys do the same thing, I mean, what about all that locker room stuff.
[Scene: Joeys. Joey is playing fetch with the dog.]
Rachel: I accidentally packed these with my stuff. (looks at the dog and gasps) Who is this?
Monica: What is it?
Ross: (blows her a kiss) Okay the sleeping thing. Very tricky business, but there is something you can do.
Joey: Oh wellHey-hey! Maybe, maybe uh, maybe this is a good thing. Yknow? Itll-itll give you a chance to shake things up, play different characters. Youre so talented.
Phoebe: I know but he call's and my heart goes to him. You know that bastard is one smooth talking free lance kite designer.
Phoebe: How could you not tell Mona that Rachel is living with you?
Monica: This is so great! And Im gonna be your babys aunt!
Rachel: (sitting at a table with some of her friends) (to waitress) Oh, um, no, no, no, no excuse me, hello. Hi. My friend ordered an onion, not an olive, and uh I ordered a rum and Diet Coke, which I dont think this is.
Phoebe: Its a trip for two! (She gets up and takes off her blouse-type thingy shes wearing over her dress.) Excuse me. (She walks over to table four.) Excuse me, is the person who won the Paris trip at this table?
(There is a knock on the door.)
Mona: Seriously, what is she doing?
Joey: Oh, did I not mention? Carl is a guy I hired to be my identical twin for a medical research project.
PHOE: He said that, um, he understands how sex can be like, a very emotional thing for a woman and he was just afraid that I was gonna get all, y'know, like, 'ohh, is he gonna call me the next day' and, y'know, 'where is this going' and, ya know, blah-la-la-la-la. So he said he wanted to hold off until he was prepared to be really serious.
Rachel: Joey! The baby is kicking for the first time! Will you please come feel this?!
Rachel: Okay. All right Dina, well lets talk about the different areas of fashion that you could get involved in. Lets see, theres design, but you may need a whole other degree for that. Uh, theres-theres sales, which is great because you get to travel
Rachel: Why? You saw it? Is it scary?
Rachel: Okay. (watching the tape) Ooh, my! (Rachel jumps when the woman starts screaming) Woah! Why is that baby torturing that woman?!
Chandler: And look how happy the mom is now!
Ross with a look of wondering how long this is going to go on on his face: Still me.
[Chandler proceeds to point out Joeys errors in this forth set of flashbacks. The first flashback is from The One With The Cat. Chandler has just returned home to see that their apartment has been cleaned out and finds Joey trapped in the entertainment center.]
Ross: Hey, whatever it is, I am sure it has happened to me. Yknow, actually onceonce I got dumped during sex.
Ross: Anyway, so, uh, so what is it?
Ross: Cmon! Joey! What is it?
Ross: I knew it. So, is she someone from work?
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is finished telling everyone what happened.]
Ross: Okay. Um is he a good guy?
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is talking to Ross]
Ross: So, uh, this guy, she used to go out with, is, uh is he a good guy?
Chandler: Oh! Uh, yeah! Is this a cold pizza talk or a leftover meatloaf talk?
JOEY: Yeah, I'll have the Thai chicken pizza. But, hey, look, if I get it without the nuts and leeks and stuff, is it cheaper?
Ross: Dear Mary-Angela. Hi. Hows it going. This is the hardest letter Ive ever had to write. (to Chandler) What the hells a matter with you? How do you think Joeys going to react when he finds out that you blew off his sister with a letter?
Monica: Okay, I think thats it. The seating chart is done. This is our wedding. They all look like theyre having fun dont they?
Phoebe: This is completely normal, around the fourth month your hormones start going crazy.
Chandler: Okay! (He joins her on one knee) Okay! Okay! I'll do it! Oh God, I thought (Starting to cry, pauses) Wait a minute, I-I can do this. (Pause) I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, (Pause) you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. (Starting to cry again.) And if youll let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. (Pause as he gets out the ring.) Monica, will you marry me?
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross is opening the door to Monica.]
Chandler: I know there'll be many moments in the years to come when I'll regret asking the following question, but- And Andrew is?
Phoebe: Umm, Chandler, Monica, this is Don.
Monica: I know! What is this, 1985?!
<Joey is walking around looking worried. >
JOEY: [in a fake voice] Uhh, hello Miss Buffay. I know where your dog is. I want you to know that he'll be returned to you, almost as good as new, within, within 24 hours. Uh, goodbye. [hangs up]
Ross: No, Im serious. You-you need to find out where she is, because if shes not where you are, then you can start to move past this.
Ross: If she is where you are then uh then my feeling weird about it shouldnt stand in the way.
Rachel: Okay Joey honey, youre doing really good! All right, now Im just gonna need you to step to the port side. (Joey pauses as he tries to remember which side is the port side.) Remember? Remember how we talked about the port side?
Chandler: Is it made of cheese?
Monica: Jeez! What is with you?
Chandler: (on phone) Yes, Fran. I know what time it is, but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm not happy!... (Listens) Oh, really, really, really? Well, let me tell you something... you will care about it, because I care about it! You got it? Good! (slams phone down, then leans back and realizes what just happened) Whooooaaaa....
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler is returning from work to see the hallway jammed full of people waiting outside their door.]
Joey: Okay look Rach, I know this is a lot. You dont have to say anything. You-you uh, you take as much time as you need. (Long pause as Rachel says nothing.) Okay, you gotta say something!
Rachel: Wow! Wow. Wow. Wow, it is hot in here.
Waiter No. 2: Is this your table?
Rachel: Is Joey here?
Waiter: I dont know. I think maybe one of them is dying. (Pause) I kinda hope its the girl. (The other waiter is shocked.) The guy is really cute!
Phoebe: That is so cruel! Why? Why would a parent name their child Bethel?
Ross: Look, this is just a little too familiar, okay? For like, for like six months before Carol and I spilt up, all I heard was: "My friend Susan is so smart. My friend Susan is so funny. My friend Susan is so great."
Rachel: No, forget it! No way! I am not sending anymore Ralph Lauren clothes to prison. It is a waste.