words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is sitting in the living room and Phoebe is standing in the kitchen as the phone rings.]
[Cut to Las Vegas, Joey is on the phone and wearing his gladiator costume.]
Phoebe: Sure! Where is it?
Chandler: (To Phoebe) Is that Joey?! (She nods yes) Let me talk to him!
Joey: No! (She nods no to Chandler) Because he didn't believe in my movie! Which is a big mistake because it is real! Real!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering.]
Phoebe: That is so weird! I had a dream that you'd have lunch with Richard.
Chandler: Okay this is great, but Joey said he didn't want any of us out there.
Ross: Is that supposed to be an insult?
Phoebe: So, so far is this trip to Vegas better or worse than the trip to London?
Monica: Okay, I umm, I ran into Richard yesterday and he asked me if I wanted to go for a bite and I did. The only reason I didn't tell you is because I knew you'd get mad and I didn't want to spoil our anniversary.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is coming out of the bathroom after a shower wearing only her bath robe, walks into the kitchen, and opens the fridge. As she bends over to grab a bottle of wine, her robe falls open (Damn this network primetime programming, we didn't see anything!) and she quickly closes it again. But then realizes she didn't have to do that. So she closes the fridge and stands next to the table, thinks about it for a little while and ]
Ross: (in his head) Oh my God! That's Rachel naked! I can't look at that! I am looking at this. (Looks back at his book.) Okay, vivid colors, expressive brush strokesUnless she wants me to be looking at that. She knows I'm home. She knows I can see her. What kind of game is she playing? I think maybe someone's lonely tonight. Oh-ho, Dr. Geller! Stop it! You're being silly! Or, am I?
[Cut back to Monica and Rachel's apartment, Rachel is singing along with a song and dancing while facing the big picture window. Y'know, I think I'd pay real good money to be on the other side of that window!]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the scene is continued from where we left off before the break.]
Ross: So do I. (Slowly walks in.) Okay Rach, before anything happens (He takes off his coat) I just want to lay down a couple of ground rules. (Turns back to face her.) This is just about tonight. I don't to go through with this if it's going to raise the question of "Us." (Rachel's confused) Okay? I just want this to be (Kicks off his left shoe) about what it is! (Kicks off the other one.)
Rachel: And um, what-what is that Ross?
Phoebe: Hey you guys wait! Guys! (Catches up to them.) This place is so much better than London! Okay? This lady dressed like Cleopatra gave me a coupon, 99 cent steak and lobster dinner. Huh!
Joey: Whoa! Whoa! Guys! Please! Come on! Come on! This is obviously just a big misunderstanding.
Monica: No it is not!
Rachel: (taking off her sweater) Okay umm, Ross? I'm-I'm really warm, so I'm going to be taking off my sweater. Now, I'm just letting you know that this is not an invitation to the physical act of love.
Ross: Is that so?
Chandler: (interrupting in the nick of time) Joey, I uh! I can't believe this is how I'm spending my anniversary.
[Scene: The casino bar, Phoebe and Monica are sitting at the bar, while Wayne Newton's signature song Danke Schoen is playing in the background.]
Monica: I can't believe this! This is like the worst night ever!
Monica: This is crazy! I mean, it's such a stupid argument. I don't even wanna see Richard again.
[Cut to the casino, Monica is walking through it past the craps table when she notices a chip on the floor. She picks it up and heads to the table.]
[Time lapse, Ross is drinking something and decides to get Rachel again.]
[Scene: Caesar's Palace Casino, Joey is approaching one of the blackjack tables on his quest to make enough money for his movie.]
[Cut to Chandler's room, Joey is relaying to Chandler his amazing discovery.]
Joey: This is Vegas man! People will pay to see freaky stuff! Okay, how much would you pay to see this hand (Holds up his left hand) twice? Huh?
(Joey starts to leave to embark on his genius moneymaking scheme, but is freaked out slightly when as he goes to open the door, there's a mysterious knock. He calms himself down and opens the door to reveal Phoebe.)
Phoebe: I wonder where she is. That is so weird.
[Scene: Caesar's Palace Casino, Chandler is looking for Monica while Tom Jones's signature song is playing in the background (Getting the theme yet? Tom Jones, Wayne Newton, casinos They're in Vegas people! Catch up!) It's Not Unusual, y'know, "It's not unusual to be loved by anyone! It's not unusual to have fun with anyone! But when I see you hanging about with anyone, it's not unusual to see me cry! I wanna die." Well, while that's playing he spots Monica playing craps and in victory hug the guy next to her. Chandler turns and walks out.]
[Scene: That same plane cabin, Ross is working on a crossword puzzle and Rachel is asleep against his shoulder. She shifts a little bit and Ross suddenly gets an idea. An evil idea when he looks at his pen. Then we have a little time lapse, the plane has landed and everyone is disembarking. The flight attendant is saying bye-bye to everyone.]
Ross: I think the check in is that way. (Points)
Ross: Rach! Wait! The men's room is that way. (Points in the other direction. Rachel hits him with her purse and heads for the ladies room.)
Joey: My identical hand twin! The person whose hands are exactly like mine! This thing is a gold mine!
[Scene: The craps table, Monica is on a big roll.]
Monica: Really! (They hug and kiss) All right? Let's forget about this going home stuff and celebrate our anniversary. (She picks up his suitcase.) Okay, this is empty.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's hotel room, Rachel is still trying to get the ink off and Ross is on the phone to the company. Wait a minute, why exactly are they sharing a hotel room? Didn't they like break-up or something? Did I miss a memo? Or maybe, it's just foreshadowing things to come. Who knows? Maybe the answer's at the bottom of the page. Then again, maybe it isn't and it's just one of those things TV writers just don't explain. Anyhoo ]
Rachel: Ross, no! There is no way I am leaving this room looking like this!
Ross: Look, just because some idiot drew on your face doesn't mean you shouldn't have any fun! Okay? And besides, hey-hey-hey no one is even gonna look at you. Okay? This is Vegas! Hello! There are tons of other freaks here! (Rachel turns around and glares at him.) There are tons of freaks here. No other. No. Come on! No one will notice, I swear!
Ross: Oh, hey y'know, they-they really overcharge you for that stuff. (Rachel glares at him.) But who cares?! Because it's all on me! (Rachel reaches into the fridge and pulls out two handfuls of those mini booze bottles.) (Watching her.) That is, one big drink!
[Scene: The casino, Phoebe is playing on a slot machine. Suddenly the lurker sticks her head around the aisle of slot machines.]
[Scene: The Men's room, Joey is entering and sees his hand twin washing his hands.]
Joey: (stopping him) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa-whoa! We could have our own show! Y'know we could clap our hands together people will love it! Huh? And-and-and I wrote a song for us! (Singing, to the tune of This Land is Your Land) This hand is your hand! This hand is my hand! Oh wait, that's your hand! No wait, it's my hand!
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's room, Ross is drinking a beer while Rachel is examining herself in the mirror.]
Ross: (does so) Oohh, 23. (Rachel looks at him.) Which is what we play to at this casino! You win 10 dollars! (Holds out a ten.)
[Scene: The Craps Table, Monica is still on her roll, only this time Chandler's with her and she has a huge crowd of people around.]
Monica: Pick a number! That is your only job!
Chandler: Here it is! Here it is!
(Cue up the music as they move in and kiss. This time I think it's Perry Como, but I'm not sure. It's Everybody loves somebody, sometime! Everybody falls in love somehow! Something in your kiss, just told me, my sometime, is now!)
[Scene: The slot machines, Phoebe is still feeding quarters into the one-armed bandit as the lurker peeks over the top of the machines.]
Joey: Look-look-look you guys, I need some help! Okay? Someone is going to have to convince my hand twin to cooperate!
[Cut to the casino, a very drunk and doodled on Rachel is walking arm in arm with an equally drunk and doodled on Ross are walking through the casino and greeting people on their way through. Ross has some whiskers and his nose colored in, along with his name on his forehead.]
[Scene: The slot machines, we see some guy not having any luck. Both Phoebe and the Lurker are lurking him and each stick their heads around the corner at different times This is all set to that Pink Panther song. Finally the guy gives up and walks past the lurker's position, thus giving her the advantage. She scurries in and quickly drops a coin in the slot before Phoebe gets there. Phoebe arrives slightly later and pulls the arm just after the lurker deposits the coin and wins.]
The Lurker: (to the guard) Excuse me, sir! This lady played my quarter, this is my money. (Motions to the jackpot.)
The Security Guard: (To Phoebe) Is that true miss?
[Scene: A blackjack table, Joey is moving in to try and get his hand twin (who's dealing) to join him in his evil plot to rule the world! "Join me, and together we'll rule the universe as father and son!" (Sorry, I had a little Star Wars creep in thereOoh, I have a big spoiler for The Phantom Menace, Yoda lives at the end! Ha-ha, spoiled it! Now you don't have to see it!)]
Phoebe: (entering and sitting down at the table.) Hello. My name is Regina Phalange. I'm a businesswoman in town on business. Would you like to see my card? (Looks down) Ooh, what did I do with my file-a-facts? I must've left it in conference room B.
Chandler: Okay! (Stands up) This is it! (Claps his hands) We're gonna get married!
(the first word is cream)
(The third word is ketchup)
(the second word is mayonnaise)
Ross: Oh, well, uh, this is gonna sound kinda silly, but, do you remember my roommate Chandler Bing?
[Scene: College reunion party. Ross is talking to Missy.]
Rachel: Okay please tell me that this is just one of your jokes that you do that I dont get.
Monica: (to Rachel) Hey, where is this guy, it's been over an hour!
Monica: Who is it?
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe is still investigating the smoke detector trying to figure out how to stop the beeping.]
Phoebe: How old is your phonebook?
Monica: Oh my God, this man is gonna get naked in my apartment!
Phoebe: This is how I look when I'm turned on!
Phoebe: I can't ask him! Do you have any idea how inappropriate that would be?! All I'm saying is just talk to Frank. Okay? Just, y'know, feel him out!
Ross: I guess if everybody else is...
Phoebe: A real man wouldnt just run to the hospital! (They dont stop.) No! What would, what would Krog do? (They ignore her and Phoebe is left alone.)
Phoebe: Well, I'm not going in first. I bet that vein on Monica's forehead is popping like crazy.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is coaching Chandler on how to break up with Janice.]
[Scene: ATM vestibule, Chandler and Jill are sitting below the counter with two pens dangling from their chains in front of them. Jill is showing Chandler how to swing the pen around his head.]
Monica: Now another way to organise your stuffed animals, is by size.
Rachel: This is so awesome! College guys are so cute!
Rachel: Yeah, Rachel. And this (points to Monica) is Ross' sister, Monica. We met at Thanksgiving. (looks around the room as if searching for something more interesting to do).
Phoebe: Wow, a house for dolls, that is so cool! When I was kid, I had a barrel.
Monica: Is that some kind of boat talk?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is cooking as Rachel paces nervously.]
Chandler: Alright! That is it. This is our apartment and you can not behave this way. Now if you can't act your age then you shouldn't be here at all. Now those plates may not be as nice as the pretty pink ones I picked out, but they're very important to Monica. I want you to apologize to her right now.
[Scene: Another restaurant. Rachel is studying the menu together with her date, Steve. Steve is the stoned restaurateur from 115 TOW the Stoned Guy.]
Phoebe: Oh this is so ho-o-ot!
[Scene: Central Park, Phoebe is now riding her bike with ease and stops in front of Ross. They both giggle.]
Phoebe: Uh-uh. Ok. What time is that.
Phoebe: Ok, so... 1800 minus twelve is... one thousand, seven hundred and...
Phoebe: What harpist? My friend Marjorie is playing the steel drums.
Ross: That is why!
Phoebe: (looking angry) Hey! She will shower when Tibet is free.
[Scene: Flight 1066 to Athens, Rachel is ordering a drink for Ross and herself.]
Mike: Is that why your hand is pressed against my crotch?
Phoebe: Where is Emma?
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is sitting on the couch when some unknown guy comes in and sits in their easy chair.]
[Scene: Class of '91 reunion. Ross is walking angrily towards Chandler, who is talking to two other guys.]
Mike: Hey guys, how is it going?
Chandler: Oh, I will. But I will need a mirror... as he is me!
Phoebe: Oh, I don't wanna choose! It's (Rachel is walking by). Oh okay, wait. Rach! Listen I have a very special bridesmaid task for you today.
Mike: Is that what you say to Chandler?
Chandler: I'll admit to the cigarettes and the magazine, but that tape is not mine.
Phoebe: Wow, this is a lot!
Rachel: Oh, Ross, c'mon, please! Don't make this harder than it already is!
[Scene: Joey's apartment. Phoebe is talking at the phone, Monica is listening amused.]
Mike: (looking around the room) This is... great...
Joey: I want you to take this seriously! Phoebe is very very important to me, ok? And I wanna make sure that you are gonna take care of her.
[Scene: a NYU lecture hall, the scene is continued from earlier, only Ross has dismissed the class and is now talking to Monica and Rachel.]
Monica: Okay, the reason why I asked you guys out to brunch today is because I have been doing some thinking about who should be my maid of honor.
Chandler: Oh come on! Hello! Hi! My name is Chandler, here's my friend Ross right here, and we were wondering you know if you're up for it. We only need six more people for a human pyramid...Swoop!! Swoop!!
Phoebe: (starting to panic) Oh my God, everything is such a mess. Why is this happening to me?
(Cut to Phoebe who is in the living room, still on the phone.)
Ross: But all kidding aside, in much the same way that Homo ergaster [1] is now thought to be a separate species from Homo erectus...
(Chandler turns to look at Monica, who has the biggest hair ever, is flushed and in a sweat, and is decidedly sniffing her armpits)
Chandler: I'm not scared. (moves towards Mike and Chappy) I'll just take little Chappy and... (he backs out) HE CAN SENSE MY FEAR. MY THROAT IS EXPOSED.
(Cut to inside Central Perk where Rachel is helping Phoebe. Chandler and Monica enter.)
Phoebe: Uhuh, uhuh... Oh my God! This is really happening.
GRANDMOTHER: Is it really your fa--I can't... well of course it is.
Phoebe: Well, I'm watching it for some friends who went out of town. Wait. (She bends down, picks up the dog, and waves with one of its paws) Hello, my name is Clunkers. May I please stay with you nice people?
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's room. Chandler is packing when Ross knocks on the door and enters...]
[Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross is at the Monkey cages.]
(Rachel finally manages to open the door, but the door chain is on.)
Ross: You guys know where Rachel is?
Chandler: Alright look, let's think about this, ok, do you really think that people are gonna stir up your family at this tragic time? That people are gonna post condolences on a website? This is not about people not caring that you're dead .This is about people not having a decent outlet for their grief.
Monica: I want you to meet someone really special. Phoebe, this is Erica. And this is the baby!
Monica: (sees what he is doing) Chandler, stop! It is not going to pop open!
Rachel: Ross, please, this is a hospital, ok? That actually means something here.
Ross: Right, is it painful?
Rachel: Oh man! This is so great! I actually feel like Im going on a real date! Although, I have a hint of morning sickness, and Im wearing underwear that goes up to about (She snaps the waistband on her underwear that is just slightly below her breasts) there.
[Scene: Joey's apartment. Phoebe is trying to teach Joey French.]
Joey: Then she came back with "The question is, when are you gonna grow up and realise I have a bomb?"
Charlie: Benjamin Hobart is administering that grant.
Ross: Really? Is it ethical to ask someone in a grant review, who was the voice of "Underdog"?
Rachel: Rachel Green is very happy you're in her room!
Monica: What is with you?
Chandler: That is the exact same thing.
Rachel: I overheard you guys on the phone the other day, and you said, "I'll just tell Rachel that I'm doing laundry for a couple of hours." And he said, "Laundry? Is that my new nickname?" And you said, "No! You know what your nickname is, Mr. Big."
Ross: (knew this was coming) There it is... (he comes back)
Ross: You've been quiet all morning. Is everything okay?
Phoebe: Ooh, this is it! (Looks in the window.) Oh, thats him! Thats him!
Mr. Waltham: I-I was wondering, my niece you see is in from Londonwell Shropshire really but yknowwell shes about your age I say. Anyway I have tickets for the opera, Die Fledermaus, and I was wondering if youd like to keep her company this evening?
Rachel: (sarcastic) Oh, that is so hot. She walks around him to the other side)
Phoebe: Oh that's my grandma. (Joey holds the box away from him.) And thanks Joey she's having a really great time. (Joey is happy now.)
Monica: Nope, she doesn't have to, I found out who the father is.
Director: You really think this man is speaking French?
Ross: WhatYoure not serious. I mean shes a very nice woman, but there is no way we can take eight weeks of her. Shell drive us totally crazy.
Phoebe: Oh! Yeah, this is fun, couples night.
ROSS: Alright, alright, here's the chance. Monica give him cash, Rachel give him your earrings. Something, now, anything. MONICA: No, I will not cave. RACHEL: Yeah, I'm with Mon. ROSS: Alright, alright, you know how you say I never seize the day? Well, alright, even though he's your super, I'm seizing. [approaches Mr. Treeger] Mr. Treeger, here is 50 bucks, merry Christmas. [Gives him the cash.]
Rachel: Yeah, it is. Yeah, you know, it's tough. Single mom, career... You gotta get out there.
(Rachel mimes and mouths to mr Campbell "That is my boss", pointing to mr Zellner)
Joey: Hey Ross, this is one of my co-stars, Dirk. (To Dirk) Dirk, this is my good friend Ross. (Ross and Dirk shake hands)
Chandler: That is a bad interview.
Ross: This is the single greatest day of my professional career. Gunther, six glasses!
Ross: So I told Carl, Nobody, no matter how famous their parents are, nobody is allowed to climb on the dinosaur. But of course this went in one ear and out.....
Ross: Oh my God! Those werent albino kids, that was computer camp! Rach! (He hurries inside and Chandler is taking out the garbage.)
[Scene: Phoebe is at Central Perk. Mike enters.]
Ross: (in his head) Say something clever! (Pause.) Okay, doesnt have to be clever, it just has to be words. Say some words. (Pause) Any words will do. (Pause) Oh my God! This is the longest that anyone has not talked ever! (Pause) There is nothing you can say to make this worse!! So just say something!! (Pause.) (To her) I-I, I uh havent had sex in a very long time. (She leaves.) (In his head) Yeah, you really shouldnt have said anything.
Rachel: (annoyed) Ross, what is taking you so long?
[Scene: The fire escape, Joey is now hanging off of the bottom rung of the ladder that wont move and Ross is watching from above.]