words in movies
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is playing with Emma on the couch after just changing her diaper.]
Monica: Joey, I think you should consider something a little less risky. I mean, I think in this market, real estate is your best investment.The Fed. just lowered the rates and the interest on your mortgage is totally deductible. (looks at Chandler) That's right, I know some stuff!
Chandler: (imitating Monica) Oh, and you know whose knowledge of her ex-boyfriend is shocking? Monica!
Rachel: Oh, with the mother, just... just constantly tell her how amazing her son is. Take it from me, moms love me. Ross's mom one time actually said I'm like the daughter that she never had.
Joey: Hi I'm Joey. This is Chandler.
Catherine: Actually, he is buying a much bigger place. It's got a great view of Central Pa.....
Joey: Is there anything we should know about the apartment?
Catherine: All the appliances are included. There is a lot of light, a new kitchen... I think you guys would be very happy here... (Joey and Chandler both realise what she's assuming and start laughing.)
Chandler: We're not gonna have this conversation again... Look at this place. Why am I so intimidated by this guy? Pretentious art, this huge macho couch. When we know all he does is sit around all day crying about losing Monica to a real man! (laughs) You don't think he's here, do you? (Joey looks around)
Joey: You know what it is? It's a nice place but I gotta see I don't know if I see myself living here. Oh, oh, oh, let me see... (Joey sits down on the couch, mimes opening a can and puts his hand down his pants) Yeah, I could see it.
Chandler: (Chandler looks around the place and his eye gets caught by Richard's video collection) Look at these videos. You know, I mean, who does he think he is? Magnum Force, Dirty Harry, Cool Hand Luke... Oh my God!
Joey: Ooh! A tape with a girls name on it. It's probably a sex tape... (realises) Wait a minute... This says Monica... (looks around) And this is Richard's apartment... (realises some more)
Mike: Mom, dad, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, these are my parents: Theodore and Bitsy.
Phoebe: And you... Your home is lovely.
Phoebe: God! God! This is not going well.
Phoebe: Also uhm... I just want you to know what a wonderful man your son is.
Phoebe: Well, and you know, it really is a testament to how he was raised. Especially to you. Because he's very respectful of women.
Bitsy: Is he really?
Phoebe: Are you kidding. He is so considerate of my feelings and... you know I think... you'd also like to know that he is a very gentle lover.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Only Chandler is there with the videotape in his hands, standing in front of the TV set.]
Chandler: Allright, I'm gonna watch it... I mean look, it's probably not even what I think it is... And even if it is... It can't possibly be as bad as what I'm picturing in my head... (laughs nervously) Can it?
Chandler: Just for a few seconds, so I can know what it is... Please?
Chandler: It's football... It's just football... This is great! This is the first time I've ever enjoyed football... It may be customary to get a beer... (Chandler walks to the fridge, his back turned to the TV and a moaning sound replaces the cheering of the crowd... Joey's eyes double in size...) What the... (Chandler turns around, but Joey already took a sprint for Chandler, jumps, and floors Chandler in the open space in front of the apartment door...) What are you doing?
Monica: What are you guys doing? (Monica hears the moaning coming from the TV and looks at it) Oh my God, is that Richard? (It only takes a split second for Joey to realise, he pulls Monica down by her jacket, and she falls, face down next to Chandler. Chandler gets up a bit, and Joey quickly covers Chandler's eyes with his hand.)
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Emma is sitting in her chair on the apothecary table and Rachel is trying to make her laugh.]
Rachel: Okay... aahhh... Please laugh for mommy... Please? Please laugh for mommy... (Rachel makes a funny face, sticking her tongue out, making a farting noise and using her hands as antlers, wiggling her fingers... No response from Emma...) Not funny huh? Oh so, is it... only offensive novelty rap? Or maybe just, you know, rap in general? 'Cause mommy can rap... (Rachel tries to rap and makes weird movements with her arms in the process.) My name is mommy and I'm here to say / that all the babies are... Oh, I can't rap... Allright sweetheart... This is only because I love you so much, and I know that you're not gonna tell anybody... (Rachel's face is telling "Oh what am I doing? The things I have to go through... and she starts to rap) I like... big butts and I cannot lie... / You other brothers can't deny... / when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face... (Emma starts to laugh) Yes! Yes! Yes! YES! Oohhhhh! Oh! (Rachel now really gets into it, and her insecure movements start getting better) I like big butts and I cannot lie... / You other brothers can't deny... Oh Emma you're laughing! Oh you are, you really do like big butts, don't you. Oh you beautiful little weirdo... (Rachel picks up Emma and Ross now enters)
Rachel: Nothing else worked. That girl is all about the ass...
Phoebe: Oh God! Is that veal?
Monica: Is all this about you not being able to grow a moustache?
Chandler: This is about you and Richard. He's clearly not over you. He keeps a tape so he can... look at it whenever he wants.
Monica: Isn't that sad? I mean, can you see how pathetic that is? You shouldn't be jealous. You should feel bad for him.
Monica: Chandler, this is not our problem. We've got each other. That's all that matters.
Chandler: What...? That's not you! Life is good again! Ride 'em cowgirl!
Chandler: Is that a problem?
Mike: All right, stop! You know, all Phoebe has done tonight is trying to get you to like her. And maybe that hasn't been clear all the time, but she did her best. And yeah... She's a little different than you are...
Mike: The woman I love... (he walks to Phoebe) I love you... Which is probably something I shouldn't say for the first time in front of my parents... and Tom and Sue...Who are by the way the most sinfully boring I've ever met in my life...
Phoebe: YEAH...! How great is this...? (they kiss)
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's. Emma is in her bed and Ross and Rachel are rapping and dancing for her.]
Ross: Rachel please! That is so inappropriate!
Phoebe: Okay, then you dont know what it feels like when one of them comes back. Do you? I believe this is my Mother. Even if Im wrong, who cares? Just be a friend. Okay? Be supportive.
Monica: (entering) Is Joey here?
Monica: No! Ace is low! Ace, two, three, four!
Chandler: Little baby girl Chandler, where I have heard that before? Oh right, Coach Ruben. (Tries to get her to drink a little more from the bottle when he suddenly smells something. Its times like these Im glad Smell-O-Vision hasnt been invented.) Do you know what Pheebs? When youre done over there, we kinda have a situation over here too. (Phoebe is changing hers.)
Ross: (Pause) Of course I am! (Joey is relieved) Okay, let's go godfather.
Monica: Wow, this is so weird. I just realized this might be the last time we'll all be hanging out together.
[Scene: Joey and Ben's audition, Joey is rehearsing his lines, uh correction, Joey is rehearsing his line.]
Ross: This is unbelievable. I - I have never been so insulted in my life. Now, if you'll wrap up my free crab cakes, I'll be on my way.
CHANDLER: Yes. Hey, can I ask you, is Eddie a little...
Phoebe: Theres a reset button?! Ugh, thank you! Thank you! (He exits and she goes to shut it off.) Theres a reset button! My God! Why didnt I see that! (She takes off the plastic cover and looks for the button.) Reset button, reset button, where is there a reset button? (Finds it.) Oh here it is! (Picks it up off of the floor.) Oh! (She presses it hard, but of course it would help if the button was still attached to the detector. In frustration she presses it so hard it causes pain in her thumb.) Ohh, God!
[Scene: Estelle Leonard Theatrical Agency, Joey is there to see his agent.]
(Angela and Bob walk in. Bob is good-looking.)
Chandler: Listen, this is totally getting out of hand! Okay? She wants me to put lotion on her!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is trying out different cookie recipes. Ross and Phoebe are the tasting group.]
[Scene: Joey's audition, he is with bag.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is reading a magazine as Rachel approaches.]
[Scene: The street, Joey is hanging out wearing his Porsche grab.]
Joey: That's right, he almost could. Which is exactly how I got stuck there.
Chandler: We just finished this magnificent Thanksgiving dinner. I have--and I remember this part vividly--a mouthful of pumpkin pie, and this is the moment my parents choose to tell me they're getting divorced.
Ross: No, it's for when Carol goes into labor. She can get me wherever I am. I mean, all she has to do is to dial 55-JIMBO.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, (Ohh, thats the last time Im ever gonna type that line. Its just so sad.) Joey is entering, angrily.]
RACHEL: No, I know, they're from me. Look you guys this is not good. I mean we have enough trouble with guys stealing our wind without taking it from each other.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the next morning. Joey is getting the door in his dressing gownit's Ross.]
Rachel: Oh really?! Then how come all your stuff is in this box?! (Monica starts chasing Rachel around the table.)
Chandler: Uhh, Joey's grandmother is right there. (Points)
Monica: It's worse. The only thing that's getting me through is knowing that I'm gonna be seeing you soon. I think I may even try to get out of here early.
Phoebe: Oh, no-no, this place is totally healthy! Thatthis milk is mine. I bought this today, 'cause I was thirsty for milk, y'know. (She takes a swig of it, but has to turn away from him as she makes a face to show that it has gone bad.) Okay, let's go!
RYAN: Hey baby, I'm back... [Phoebe is sitting by the window in a veil.]
Phoebe: Yeah, you know what the best part of it is? I get to do my "plan-laugh." (A maniacal laugh follows.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The gang is surrounding Rachel at key positions.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is reading at the kitchen table as there is a knock on the door.]
Chandler: We wanted to kiss at midnight, but nobody else is going to so y'know
Joey: This is great, this is great, what else, what else?
Phoebe: Uh-Huh, Which is...?
Chandler: No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no! It's okay, it's okay. I didn't go. Don't cry, it's just a bit! I'm your uncle Chandler; funny is all I have!
Monica: Why is Ross naked?
Monica: Is it the same thing that Chandler had?
A Crew Member: Take 36 is up!
JOEY: Look, it's a nice gesture, it is. But it just feels like--
Janine: Is there something wrong?
All: (subdued) Yay! (He motions for them to keep quiet, including Chandler who is still holding the lamp Ross handed him, before he goes off to talk to Emily in private.)
Monica: Look at me! My big concern is whats real?! (Finally realises) Oh my God. Were really sad, arent we?
Monica: Is it okay for me to come in now?
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's hotel room, Rachel is still trying to get the ink off and Ross is on the phone to the company. Wait a minute, why exactly are they sharing a hotel room? Didn't they like break-up or something? Did I miss a memo? Or maybe, it's just foreshadowing things to come. Who knows? Maybe the answer's at the bottom of the page. Then again, maybe it isn't and it's just one of those things TV writers just don't explain. Anyhoo ]
Monica: Why is everything different?
Ross: (on the phone) Ive been thinking, this is crazy, I mean dont, dont you think we can work on this?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is talking to Phoebe about her suggestion.]
Chandler: So, is Janine around?
Joey: (Looking around the room.) It is???
Roy: No, no, you're right. Who am I kidding? I should have hung up that breakaway jockstrap years ago. What am I gonna do? I mean, this has been my life for thirty two years. Taking my clothes off in front of people is all I know.
Ross: Well, is this Hillary your HOT assistant chef Hillary?
Chandler: Would you just please....give me the receipt cause this is great. Its top notch.
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Chandler is reading a magazine as Ross hands him a beer.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is reading on the couch while Joey, still suffering from his hernia, is returning with coffee for them both. After a series of grunts and groans he manages to painfully walk back from the counter, sit down, and slide Chandler his coffee.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is whining to Phoebe about Rachel.]
PHOEBE: No it isn't, this is my dad, alright, I'll show you.
[Scene: Elevator at the Ralph Lauren offices, Rachel gets on her boss Kim is there.]
Chandler: Nope, hymn 253, His Eyes Are On The Sparrow! When my parents got divorced is when I started using humour as a defence mechanism. (answers the door and its Rachel again.)
Monica: Ross you know that tonight is your date with Hillary?
(They are standing on either side of Chandler as they discuss the point. Chandler, meanwhile, is disgusted with the whole argument.)
Joanna: Would you? Or, is it just to sad and desperate, and y'know something that Sophie would do?
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is taking out the garbage as Phoebe and Joey enter. Phoebe gasps.]
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, everyone is there having breakfast and Joey enters carrying a loaf of bread.]
[Scene: Rosss apartment, Chandler enters. Ross is putting on makeup.]
Ross: Whats all this about you guys fighting?! Is this really over a room?! I mean, that is so silly!
Ross: Turns out them Emily is just crazy about Susan. Yeah, theyre going to the theatre together! Theyre going to dinner! Theyre going horseback riding!
Monica: Oh my God, Joey, that is such a great tip.
Joey: All right, Rach, the big question is, does he like you? All right? Because if he doesn't like you, this is all a moo-point.
Chandler: What is the matter with you ?!?
Chandler: So Steve said he had to go to the doctor. And Steves doctors name is Doctor Muppy. So I said, Doctor Monkey? And that is how the whole Doctor Monkey thing came up. (He slams his feet up on the table to emphasize his point.)
Joey: All right, thats it! He cannot do this to Phoebe. (gets up) This guy is going to get the butt kicking of a lifetime! (stops and turns around and asks Rachel) But, is he a big guy?
(Cut to Monica and Chandler, Monica is running up to him.)
Chandler: Hey Joe! I was just watching a movie-e-e (Notices that the TV is turned off.)
Rachel: Yeah, I guess Gunther is kinda
Chandler: Is this why they dont like me or why you dont like me?
Chandler: No no no! Look, Carol, can I call you Carol? (Pause) Wh-why would I when your name is Elaine? Oh what a great picture of your son, strapping! (She glares at him.) Thats a picture of your daughter, isnt it, well shes lovely. I like a girl with a strong jaw. Ill call you from Tulsa. (Exits.)
Chandler: Okay, is this lamp in the same place?
(inside Chandlers apartment, Chandler is coming in from his bedroom, sees Mr. Heckles, and screams.)
Chandler: Hey! (Sees Ross is there) Oh, good, Ross! Youre parents like me, right?
Chandler: This is great, another Thanksgiving with nothing to give thanks for.
Phoebe: No, I know, I know, that this is Franks life, (walks behind them, they turn around in the leather chairs to face her) y'know. Y'know, I dont want to be all judgmental, y'know, but this is sick, its sick and wrong!
Chandler: No-no-no-no, this is bad! Its bad! This is bad!
Phoebe: And who else is going to be there?
Phoebe: Oh yes, yes, yes you can. Just say, um, 'Phoebe, my work is my life and that's what I have to do right now'. And I say 'your work?! Your work?! How can you say that?!'. And then you say, um, 'it's tearing me apart, but I have no choice. Can't you understand that?'. And I say (Hits him) 'no! No! I can't understand that!'.
Monica: Dad [kisses Jack], Mom [kisses Judy]. Look! Look who it is its Chandler!
Ross: Kay, first of all, this attitude is not helping.
Monica: Yknow dad, Chandler is one of Rosss very best friends!
Ross: Yeah, yeah, what is it?
Rachel: (in an Indian accent) Yes, yes, Bombay is bery, bery nice time of year.
Joey: Yes, but in Drake Remorays body. (Ross laughs unbelievably.) Why is this so hard for you to get? I thought you were a scientist!
(They turn back around to see the baby Monica's carrying, but then they realise what the surprise is. Ross, Mike, Phoebe and Rachel gasp and stare at Chandler and his baby. Joey hasn't figured it out yet.)
[Scene: The Porsche, Joey is finishing up washing the car and is talking to a guy about the car.]
Ross: (stopping quickly) Oh umm, theres also a book here by a woman named Wendy Bagina. (They both laugh, but stop when the hear moaning coming from the next aisle.) What is that?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe, Ross, Joey, and Rachel are there, Joey is demonstrating a card trick.]
Rachel: It sure is.
Phoebe: So, now, Rach, this is a traditional English trifle, isnt it?
Joey: This is Vegas man! People will pay to see freaky stuff! Okay, how much would you pay to see this hand (Holds up his left hand) twice? Huh?
Phoebe: Yknow, I dont-I dont think its you. This is a freaky place. (To All) Hey! Guys! (Everyone looks up.) (To Earl) Oh no, its you.
[Scene: Gary's precinct, Phoebe is entering.]
Eric: Not really. You youre blurry, but you still look like Ursula. Youre Blursula. Okay wait. Maybe If I-if I just dont look at you for a while. (Stands up and turns his back to her.) See? It it works. Im not, Im not angry at all anymore! This is a great date!