words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe, Ross, Joey, and Rachel are there, Joey is demonstrating a card trick.]
Joey: Okay, pick a card, any card. (Monica picks one) All right, now memorize it. Show to everybody. Got it?
Joey: All right, give it back to me. (takes the card back, but he looks at the card before he puts it back in the deck, he holds the deck to his forehead, and thinks a little while) 5 of hearts.
Monica: Wow. Joey, (sarcastically) how do you do it?
Joey: I cant tell you that, no.
Joey: All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, you really wanna know how I did it, Ill show ya. When you handed me back the card, what you didnt see was, I looked at it so fast that it was invisible to the naked eye. (picks up a card and quickly looks at it) I just did it. (does it again) I just did it, again. Here, Ill slow it down so that you guys can see it. (looks and the card in slow motion)
Joey: Man, I remember the first time I saw that girl Katherine, after we broke up. She was just walking with her friend Donna, just laughing and talking. God, it killed me.
Joey: Sorry, I just, any excuse to tell that story y'know....
Monica: Its Joeys birthday.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, its Joeys party.]
Monica: Joey, where are the Jell-o shots?
Joey: I dont know, Chandler is supposed to be passin em around...
Joey: Chandler!
Joey: Oh my God! How many of these things did you have? These are pure vodka.
Ross: Hey, Joey. Are men ever nice to strange women for no reason?
Joey: No, only for sex.
Joeys Sisters: (entering) Joey!!! Happy Birthday!! (all 7 of them look almost identical)
Joey: Hey!! Hey-hey-hey!
Monica: How hammered are you? Huh? These, these are Joeys sisters.
Chandler: Hi Joeys sisters!
Joeys Sisters: Oh!!
Chandler: No-no-no-no, no, its a good thing. Why must we dial so speedily anyway? Why must we rush through life? Why cant we savor the precious moments? (to one of Joeys sisters) Those are some huge breasts you have.
Chandler: Ah, I fooled around with Joeys sister. (Phoebe gasps) Well, thats not the worst part.
Monica: Are you insane? I mean Joey, is going to kill you, hes actually going to kill you dead.
Joey: (angrily entering, to Chandler) Can I talk to you for a second?!
Ross: Hey, Joey.
Joey: Come on!! (motions for Chandler to come with him)
Joey: I just got off the phone with my sister.
Joey: Mary-Angela.
Joey: Yeah.
Joey: Why dont you ask Chandler, cause hes the one that fooled around with her. She told me you said you could really fall for her. Now is that true? Or are you just gettin over Janice by groping my sister.
Joey: Really? Thats great! You and my sister, sittin in a tree.
Ross: Dear Mary-Angela. Hi. Hows it going. This is the hardest letter Ive ever had to write. (to Chandler) What the hells a matter with you? How do you think Joeys going to react when he finds out that you blew off his sister with a letter?
[Scene: Joeys sisters house, Chandler hits himself on the head three times and knocks on the door three times. Joey answers it.]
Chandler: (shocked) Joey, what-wh-wh-wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-what are you doing here?
Joey: Waiting for my Grandma to finish my laundry. What about you?
Joey: You are so the man! (motions him to come in, and he does) Now look, listen, listen, you got to be cool, cause my Grandma doesnt know about you two yet, and you do not want to tick her off. She was like the sixth person to spit on Mussolini's hanging body. Yeah.
Joey: Shes right in there. (motions to the living room)
(Chandler walks into the living room, and sees all of Joeys sisters, all wearing red.)
Joeys Sisters: Hey, Chandler!
[Scene: Joeys sisters house, theyre finishing up dinner.]
Joeys Grandmother: No! I did!
Joeys Grandmother: Of course! Its her favorite.
Joeys Grandmother: More of Grandmas teramisu.
Joeys Grandmother: That dies with me.
Joeys Sister: Excuse yourself, and go to the bathroom.
Joeys Sister: (whispering in his ear) Just do it.
[Cut to the hall, Joeys sister runs up and grabs Chandlers butt.]
Joeys Sister: Finally, I thought wed never be alone. Can I just tell you something, I have not stopped thinking about you since the party. (kisses him)
Joeys Sister: So! Me neither! God, Mary-Angela was right you do have the softest lips.
Joeys Sister: No, Im Mary-Theresa.
Mary-Angela: Joey!!!
Chandler: No Joey! No Joey! Dont Joey! Joey!
Joey: Whats goin on?
Joey: What?! How could you do that, how could you think she was Mary-Angela?
Chandler: I wasnt sure which one Mary-Angela was. (all of Joeys sisters gasp) Look, Im sorry okay, I was really drunk, and you all look really similar.
Joeys Sister: I say, punch him Joey.
Chandler: Y'know what, we should all calm down because your brothers not going to punch me. (to Joey) Are ya?
Joey: Well, that is usually what I would do. But I just never thought youd be on the receiving end of it. How could you do this?!
Chandler: Joey if you wanna punch me, go ahead, I deserve it. But I just want you to know that I would never soberly hurt you or your family, youre my best friend. I would never do anything like this ever again.
Joey: No! No! No! No, Im not going to punch Chandler.
Joey: No you wont. Look he knows he did a terrible thing and I believe him, hes sorry. But, (to Chandler) youve got one more apology to make, all right, youve got to apologize to Mary-Angela.
Joey: All right.
Joey: Cookie, now you can punch him!
Joey: All right, thats it! He cannot do this to Phoebe. (gets up) This guy is going to get the butt kicking of a lifetime! (stops and turns around and asks Rachel) But, is he a big guy?
Joey: Good, and hey! My treat. (He turns to go into his bedroom then stops.) But that's only because you're not eating anything, right?
Joey: Actually we prepared performances.
Joey: (Shocked) Oh! Well that's it! He's the last one to go. I'm locking you guys in. (turns the bolts of the door, thereby locking it)
[Scene: Rachel and Joey's. Joey is in the kitchen and the telephone rings.]
Joey: Whoo-hoo! (and leaves for Rachel's room)
Rachel: (yelling) Joey, where are those bags?
Joey: (Yelling from Rachel's room) She has a lot of crap!
CHANDLER: Hey, look Joey, I'm just saying if you need something to hold you over, I can get you a job right here as an entry level processor.
JOEY: Ten years I've been waiting for a break like this Chandler, ten years! I mean, Days of Our Lives. That's actually on television.
Chandler: You know what, okay, fine. Don't get up, you just sit right there. I just hope, you don't mind, you know, my hand right here. (holds his hand a couple of inches in front of Joey's face) Op, not touching, can't get mad! Not touching can't get mad! Not touching can't get mad! (Joey flings some dip onto Phoebe's dress)
Joey: Hey! Rachel: Congratulations! Wow!!
Chandler: (entering with Joey) (to Monica) Coffee house?
Joey: Hey Rach, do you feel like going to a convention?
Joey: No.
Joey: Cool!
Joey: Uh, am I curious? I mean, I am as curious as... as... George!!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Continued from earlier.]
Joey: There it is, you're blushing!
Joey: Oh! Any word on casting yet?
Joey: Thank you. (he sits down)
[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel, Joey and Emma are there.]
Joey: Damn it! (he leaves)
Joey: Just pass it to your boss!
Joey: Oh! Maybe they'll name yours after you! Y'know, they'll call it, The Ross. And then people would be like, "Awww, he's got a Ross."
Chandler: Oh come on guys, its not like I moved to Europe! I just moved across the hall! And we would have you over all the time if it werent for (struggles to get this out) Monicas allergies. (The duck quacks.) Youre right, I could never lie to you. She hates you. (The phone rings.) Should I get that? (Laughs, then answers the phone.) Hello? (Listens) Uh no, Joeys not here right now. Can I take a message? (Listens) Yeah, okay so the audition has been moved from 5:00 to 2:30? (Listens) Okay great. (Listens.) Bye. (Hangs up the phone and goes to write the message on the Magna-Doodle on the door but Monica walks in and forces him to jump out of the way.)
Joey: (angrily) Thursday! Look if you need help remembering think of like this, the third day. All right? Monday, one day. Tuesday, two day. Wednesday, when? Huh? What day? Thursday! The third day! Okay?!
Joey: What's up?
Joey: Look, it's one thing not to cast me, but to lie to me?
Joey: (sounds disappointed) Oh.
Joey: (sounds confident) You didn't watch the tape.
Joey: Listen, do you guys think I have a chance with Janine?
(Joey walks up to Cecilia Monroe who plays Jessica.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Chandler and Rachel are talking.]
Joey: You still here?
(Joey comes out of his room)
JOEY: Right, they uh, they choppered me in. What's up?
Joey: (very angry) You wanna know wh...? You wanna know why? (goes back into his room)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment.]
Rachel: Joey, we're not keeping this!
Rachel: Joey, what... is... this...thing... doing here?
Joey: (enters from his bedroom) What?
Joey: But it's an original Buffay...
Monica: Hey! I sold that to Joey.
(They both sit down at the table and the chick and the duck enter from Joeys bedroom.)
Joey: Now, what do you say?
Joey: Yeah, well, I still got a week left to go in the program, and according to the rules, if I want to get the money I'm not allowed to conduct any... ersonal experiments, if you know what I mean.
[Scene: Casting Director #2s office, Joey is on his second audition. This one is for Purina One Dog Chow, an actual item. Please note the gratuitous product placement.]
Joey: That's not the point Chandler. The point is that you lied.
Joey: And?... AND?
Joey: For one thing, the guy on the tape said I was doing a good job!
JOEY: Ha-ha. [Scott leaves] Are all you processors dorks?
Phoebe: Thats all right, thats well, I figured.... (they start to leave as Joey enters.)
Joey: You're mean!
ROSS: No. Man I don't wanna have to have Joey with me every time I wanna descent cup of coffee. Ya know, and I don't wanna spend the rest of my life drinking cappucino with a 'K'. I say you and I go back down there and stand up to those guys.
Joey: Gladys?
[Scene: The hallway, Ross is coming up the stairs as Phoebe leaves Joey and Chandlers.]
Joey: Hey!
Joey: What's going on?
Joey: There’s a part in a TV movie that I would be perfect for and I didn’t even be put up for it! She’d better have a good reason.
Joey: (going out with the VCR in his hand) Well, I guess we'll never know whose it is!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment.]
Joey: Nothing! Well, I-I got this blinding pain in my stomach when I was lifting weights before, then I uh passed out and uh, havent been able to stand up since. But um, I dont think its anything serious.
Joey: Oh Rachel look, don't say that, I think you just need a hug from Joey. Come on. Come on. (She hugs him and Joey looks out the window.) She's back! Hot girl's back!
Joey: Oh! Hey right! Not a problem. (He starts taking off his clothes.) I totally understand. You need to yknow make sure I dont have any horrible scars or tattoos. Dont you worry; I have nothing to hide. (He drops his pants and stands back up and looks down.) So there you go, thats me. (We cut to a camera angle looking at the casting director and movie director through Joeys legs.) One hundred percent natural! (Suddenly, theres a thud as something falls off.) (Everyone is shocked.) I tell ya, that has never happened before.
Joey: Too long! Oh my God, Rach, I've been dying to talk to someone about this for so long! Listen, listen, we can't say anything about this to anybody, they're so weird about that! Listen (Phoebe returns and interrupts them.)
Joey: Hey, (in the Joey voice) how you doin?
[Chandler and Joey enter]
Monica: Ohh... that wouldn't by any chance be... Joey Tribbiani?
Joey: What's going on?
Joey: Guys!?
(Ross leans in and kisses her. They both look at each other for a moment, and then embrace in a more passionate kiss, only to be interrupted by Joey and Chandler coming outside.)
Joey: Guys? Everything ok? It's me, Joe...
(cut to Joey on the other side, who finally leaves the door and goes to his apartment)
Joey: Everything doesn't sound fine!
Joey: You're not gonna let me buy the Knicks?? I can't believe you're taking this away from me!
Rachel: and I know Chandler is kidding but it happens every time he touches my stomach. I mean Im really worried the babys not going to like him. (Joey is staring at the table.) Are you okay?
Joey: Well, you wouldn't let me in, so I thought you were in trouble.
(Joey leaves and closes the door behind him. Chandler walks towards the living room, but then Joey enters again.)
Joey: (disappointed) Oh... oh, but that's ok, I'll find someone else to do it... I'll do it alone, but... I don't know what happens if the sea turtle catches you...
Joey: Ok, ok! (He leaves)
Joey: (to Chandler) Bert! Bert! Bert! Bert!
Joey: I forgot my bat.
Chandler: I can explain... Joey...
Laura: Joey, wait!
Joey: No, no! Don't try to turn this around on me, ok? I'm not some kind of... social work, ok, that you can just... do.
Joey: LAURA! (and points to her, very confident)
Amy: Oh, I can’t, honey. I’m gonna go get my eyebrows shaped. (points at her eyebrows) I am not happy. (to Joey who has a pizza box in his hands) Oh... sure you wanna eat that?
Joey: Oh whoa-whoa wait a minute! I have to do it?!
Joey: Don't you put words in people's mouths, you put turkey in people's mouths!
(Joey gets up and look annoyed)
Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey Chandler look, I know youre mad, but I just want to say Im sorry. I-I was a total jerk. Completely o-over the line. Uh, I just I hate pulp! Yknow? I mean, yknow how Monica feels about low fat mayonnaise?
Kathy: Well, uh, when Joey gave it to me, he said, "This is 'cause I know ya like Rabbits, and I know ya like cheese." Thanks. I love it. And I know how hard it must have been for you to find.
Joey: (entering) Hey, Chandler, you got a minute? I-I really need to talk to you.
Joey: Oh.
JOEY: Well, I think it went pretty well. I.. I got a callback for Thursday.
Joey: Yeah, they're great seats too!
Joey: Center ice.
(Ross and Joey enter)
Ross: Hey! Hey, guess what Joey has!
Joey: So we'll leave before it's over, we'll be back in time.