words in movies
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is in the kitchen as Joey enters from his bedroom.]
Joey: Morning, roomie!
Joey: Fifth day's a charm.
Rachel: Oh, Joey, it's so great to be back here. I gotta tell you, you're making it so easy on me and Emma.
Joey: Hey, it's great having you back. You know, stay as long as you want, and when does she stop crying all night?
Joey: She's probably exhausted from all that adorable screaming she did last night.
Joey: No, hey, it's been great.
Joey: Yeah. And look, I just want you to know that with Rachel staying here and everything, all my feelings from before are totally over, okay? And even if they weren't, when you accidentally walk in on a woman using a breast pump...
Joey: Wow! So, how are you?
Joey: Really?
Joey: Well, actually it...
Joey: Wow, really?
Joey: Sure, I know lots of girls.
Joey: Ooh, names?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Joey is there as Phoebe enters.]
Joey: Hey. I was just gonna get something to eat. You want something?
Joey (checks the refrigerator): Okay, let's see, we got strained peas, strained carrots... Ooh! Strained plums. We haven't tried that yet.
Joey: I'm fine, I'm fine, it's just, it's just weird what's happening with her and Ross. You know, yesterday he asked me to fix him up with somebody.
Joey: Why are they doing this?
Joey: You know what's crazy? These jars. What is it, like two bites in here?
Joey: I know, I know. And when they moved back in together, I figured y'know, that's where things were headed.
Joey: Yes, and they should name one of their kids Joey. I may not have kids; someone's gotta carry on the family name.
Joey: Yeah, because it is slim pickings. I had this date last night: Yuck! But we should probably keep it down; she's still in the bedroom.
Joey: I know; that just pushes them further and further apart.
Joey: Ooh, that's a great plan!
Joey: Shhh! Not so loud, we don't wanna wake up, uh...
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey is drinking coffee by the counter as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Ooh, Joey.
Joey: Hey.
Joey: All right! Who is he?
Joey (gives a thumbs up sign): Okay, okay. Wait till you hear who I got for Ross.
Joey: She's this really boring woman. She's a teacher!
Joey: Yeah, yeah, she's really into history and foreign movies... And oh, oh, she loves puzzles. Huh? Come on, who loves puzzles?
Phoebe: Well, Ross does. What... You're - you're ruining the plan! Joey, you've - you've fixed him up with his perfect woman!
Joey: Oh my god, you're right!
Joey: She even reads for pleasure!
Joey: What? I'm not allowed to know smart women?
Phoebe: Joey.
Joey: I met her at the library. I went in to pee.
Joey: Well, okay, I'll - I'll just call her and tell her the date's cancelled, and find him somebody else.
Joey: Ooh...I hear that's bad.
Joey: Ah, yes, The Plan! (Laughs loudly again, but he sounds more like Santa Claus.)
Joey: Yeah, you know, it's not that fun.
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Joey are there. Phoebe's cell phone rings.]
Phoebe (to Joey): Well, our plan is working. Rachel is having a miserable time, and Ross is just stood up somewhere at a restaurant all alone.
Joey: Oh, great, pretty soon they'll be back together.
(They run to the bedroom and close the door carefully just as Joey enters.)
Joey: Hello?
(Emma starts making noises, and Joey walks over to her playpen.)
Joey: Emma? Hey! Hi!
Joey: How are ya? How are ya? Where are your babysitters, huh? Why's the bedroom door closed?
Joey: You can't have S-E-X, when you're taking care of the B-A-B-I-E!
(Joey and Chandler enter with Emma.)
Monica (to Joey): Why the hell did you take her?
Joey: Because you two were having sex!
Joey: Don't you lie to me! I could tell by Chandler's hair. (To Chandler.) You are so lazy. Can't you get on top for once?
Joey: Hey! It is unacceptable that you two would have sex with Emma in the next room. I'm gonna have to tell Rachel about this.
(Joey starts to leave.)
Monica: No, please don't. Please, Joey. She will kill us!
Joey: Hey, I gotta! Unless...
Joey: Unless you name your firstborn child Joey.
Joey: Hey, I may never have kids, and somebody's gotta carry on my family name.
Joey: (BEAT) (Laughs.) You almost had me.
[Cut to outside. Phoebe and Joey are walking down the street to Central Perk.]
Phoebe: Now, wait a minute. So, they're gonna name their first child Joey?
Joey: Uh-huh.
Joey: It's easy, you just walk in on them having sex.
(Joey does the "plan-laugh.")
Rachel: Oh. Huh. You know, it is weird that Phoebe would set me up on a date that was awful on the same night that Joey set you up on a date that didn't even show.
Joey: We're geniuses! Yeah, look at them, look at them, they're really bonding.
(Rachel and Ross turn around and look at Phoebe and Joey with puzzled expressions on their faces.)
Joey: Where?
[Scene: Delmonico's restaurant. Ross and Joey are sitting at a table for four. The waiter is pouring water in their glasses.]
Joey: Can you believe they're still not here?
Joey: I know, I'm so bummed. Can we have our free crab cakes now?
Joey: We've been stood up. (sniffles) And we want our free crab cakes.
Joey: Hey! (To Chandler) Dude, some guy just called for you.
Joey: (on phone) Yeah, hi. You guys got any of those baby chicks? Cause I was watching this ah, commercial on TV and man, those guys are cute!
Joey: All right, all right, all right, all right, you wanna know what I do when I take resume shots?
Ross: Oh great! Hey-hey Joey, do you want to check out pictures of me and Mona ice skating?
Joey: Hey.
Joey: Uh, no, shes at dance class.
Joey: Sure, neighbor come on in.
Joey: (Looking around the room.) It is???
Joey: No.
Joey: No.
Joey: Im a man.
Joey: Yeah, for sure. Okay. Probably want the first thing to be, never open your eyes. Y'know, because you dont want to be doing something and then look up and see something you dont want to be seeing.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is coming back from using the phone.]
Joey: I have to pee. And Rachel's in the bathroom!
Janine: Hey Joey.
(Ross steps onto the bottom rung of the ladder and then steps on Joeys chest.)
Joey: Like this. (pointing to the picture) Pictures of cute babies we dont know. We..we cant have that.
Joey: Were gonna climb Mt. Everest!
Joey: Yeah, well, it feels different.
Joey: Hey! Hey! Be careful around my Porsche!
Joey: Ohh, well, thats ok then. But, okay my towels for instance. I come in to the bathroom here and my towel is not on the floor where keep it. Its up here on some hook..and smells different.
Joey: I'm always on the swings! What am I doing wrong?!
Joey: Wha-a how about this: Another table leaves, right? But there�s still some food left on their place, okay, what�s the restaurant�s policy about people eatin� that?
Rachel: No! No Joey! U-N-I-sex.
Joey: All right, Im gonna go! (Gets up and heads for the door.)
Joey: Pizza, heh, its not like I never had that before...ba dum bum cheshhh.
[Cut to Joey and Phoebe in the kitchen. Phoebe is watching Joey make a sandwich.]
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, everyone is there having breakfast and Joey enters carrying a loaf of bread.]
Chandler: Yes, God forbid we throw out old underwear. You-you know what? Im going to go over to Joeys.
Joey: Okay. Well, if that's how you feel about it, fine! None of you get to live with me in my great big hand-shaped mansion! Except uh, you Pheebs. You can live in the thumb.
JOEY: Fine, make fun. I think it's jaunty.
Joey: Wow, you are a good friend, 'course the audition was this morning, and I didn't get it. But that was a hell of a kiss. Rachel is a very lucky girl.
Joey: What?
Joey: Look, which one of us is gonna be having sex in there, me or you?
Joey: I don't know. But I can see through your sheet. (He looks out the window.) Yeah, yeah, that's her. But y'know what? Doesn't matter, I'm never gonna get to meet her anyway.
Monica: Oh my God, Joey, that is such a great tip.
(They start making out again, and it takes Joey trying to enter to stop them.)
Joey: Ohh, I love birds. (Monica leaves. Chandler shuts the door.)
Joey: Its not what you said. Its the way you said it .Oh My God, Im a women!!!
Joey: No Im not. Why would you say that? Thats just mean.
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: You dont have to stop having fun just because Im here. Kathy didnt cheat on all of you. (To Joey) Well, except you. (They hug and Chandler goes into the bathroom with the chick and duck following him.)
JOEY: Look, it's a nice gesture, it is. But it just feels like--
Joey: Im sorry but weve got to get rid of all this girlie stuff in here. I, uh, I got to be a man! Okay. The living room has to remain a guy place, okay? Thats just the way it has to be.
Joey: Phoebe! Don't put ideas in his head!
Joey: Oh, dude Im so sorry!
Joey: Id love to show ya, but I just tucked her in. Shes sleeping. (The women both laugh) Hey uh, would you two girls like to go for a drink? (Just then the same guy with the football dives to make a catch, lands on the car cover, and collapses it. It turns out that Joey set up a bunch of boxes to make it look like a Porsche.)
Joey: Hey, uhh, I need to talk to you.
[Scene: Joey and Janines, Chandler knocks on the front door. Joey answers the door.]
Chandler: (not quite sure where Joeys going and is a little worried) Okay
Joey: (Smiling) Okay.
Janine: Joey? Do you want me to put it all in your room?
Joey: And a couple of these little tiny boxes.
Joey: I really am sorry about, you know..before. I just want to make sure you know that I really do like you.
Joey: Hello New York! (The woman bats his hand out of the way.)
Joey: Oh my God, is she going back to him?
(In frustration, Joey kicks the table, breaking it.)
Joey: Well maybe I love ya.
Joey: Yeah! Yeah, why? Whats up?
[Scene: Classroom, Joey is talking to his students.]
Phoebe: Well, we cannot tell Joey about this. He's already flipping out about everything that's changing. This will push him over the edge.
Joey: How you got three women to marry you, Ill never know.
Joey and Ross: Hey!
[Joey and Ross enter.]
[Joey and Ross go to the door, ready to leave.]
Joey: Well, this has been great!
Joey: Uh, some of her friends, yeah.
Ross: (to Joey) Dude, we were good!
Chandler: Be right there sweetums. (Monica leaves. To Joey.) A totally different situation.
Joey and Chandler: Shut-out!! (They both start heading for their rooms.)
Joey: (pause) For just you?
Joey: Hey Chandler. Come on in. Were knitting pot holders.
Joey: Yep. I just, I just watched her sleep for like hours, just breathing in and breathing out. And then I knew she was dreaming cause, cause her eyes keep going like this. (He closes his eyes and moves them around, kinda like hes been processed by the devil, or something.)
Joey: Maybe this should be more of a quiet game.
Joey: And, uhh, maybe the watering can there.
[Joey leaves]
Joey: (frustrated) Still not hot enough!
JOEY: Oh we're not out. No, no. We're just uh, two heterosexual guys, hanging with the son of our other heterosexual friend, doin' the usual straight guy stuff.
Joey: Yes, but in Drake Remorays body. (Ross laughs unbelievably.) Why is this so hard for you to get? I thought you were a scientist!
[Joey and Ross make confused faces.]
[Cut back to Monica and Chandler telling Phoebe and Joey the story.]
Joey: Thats what that was?! Cause that other thing? I thought you were on to something, but it did nothing for me.
[Joey rushes over.]
Joey: Ross! Can I talk to you for a second?
Joey: Uhm... ok... uhm... Well, yeah... You have got some nerve, coming back here. I can't believe you never called me.
[Scene: The Porsche, Joey is finishing up washing the car and is talking to a guy about the car.]
[Scene: Rachels old room, Ross and Joey enter.]
Joey: You got it! Oh-oh! (He starts patting the burned spot, which just happens to be over her breast.)
Joey: Ohhhh, good one! And Yemen that actually sounds like a real country.
Joey: (happily) Really?
Joey: (snaps his fingers) We could climb Mt. Everest!
Joey: Hey! Who was up from 2 oclock this morning until 5 oclock this morning trying to get her back to sleep?
Joey: This is Vegas man! People will pay to see freaky stuff! Okay, how much would you pay to see this hand (Holds up his left hand) twice? Huh?
Joey: I like it.
(Joey turns off the lights, and they all leave as Rachel starts to clean up. Ross enters from the bathroom.)
Joey: Maybe, maybe we did a good thing, helping Ross get back on his feet!
Joey: Thanks. (The grip walks away.) (Reading the card.) Congratulations on your big break.
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Ross is reading what Joey wrote.]
Chandler: And I love the milk! But, Im not gonna some British girl to move in with me! (Realizes that made no sense.) Joey, you say things now.
Joey: No it isnt, I ate that.