words in movies
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is in the kitchen as Joey enters from his bedroom.]
Joey: Morning, roomie!
Joey: Fifth day's a charm.
Rachel: Oh, Joey, it's so great to be back here. I gotta tell you, you're making it so easy on me and Emma.
Joey: Hey, it's great having you back. You know, stay as long as you want, and when does she stop crying all night?
Joey: She's probably exhausted from all that adorable screaming she did last night.
Joey: No, hey, it's been great.
Joey: Yeah. And look, I just want you to know that with Rachel staying here and everything, all my feelings from before are totally over, okay? And even if they weren't, when you accidentally walk in on a woman using a breast pump...
Joey: Wow! So, how are you?
Joey: Really?
Joey: Well, actually it...
Joey: Wow, really?
Joey: Sure, I know lots of girls.
Joey: Ooh, names?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Joey is there as Phoebe enters.]
Joey: Hey. I was just gonna get something to eat. You want something?
Joey (checks the refrigerator): Okay, let's see, we got strained peas, strained carrots... Ooh! Strained plums. We haven't tried that yet.
Joey: I'm fine, I'm fine, it's just, it's just weird what's happening with her and Ross. You know, yesterday he asked me to fix him up with somebody.
Joey: Why are they doing this?
Joey: You know what's crazy? These jars. What is it, like two bites in here?
Joey: I know, I know. And when they moved back in together, I figured y'know, that's where things were headed.
Joey: Yes, and they should name one of their kids Joey. I may not have kids; someone's gotta carry on the family name.
Joey: Yeah, because it is slim pickings. I had this date last night: Yuck! But we should probably keep it down; she's still in the bedroom.
Joey: I know; that just pushes them further and further apart.
Joey: Ooh, that's a great plan!
Joey: Shhh! Not so loud, we don't wanna wake up, uh...
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey is drinking coffee by the counter as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Ooh, Joey.
Joey: Hey.
Joey: All right! Who is he?
Joey (gives a thumbs up sign): Okay, okay. Wait till you hear who I got for Ross.
Joey: She's this really boring woman. She's a teacher!
Joey: Yeah, yeah, she's really into history and foreign movies... And oh, oh, she loves puzzles. Huh? Come on, who loves puzzles?
Phoebe: Well, Ross does. What... You're - you're ruining the plan! Joey, you've - you've fixed him up with his perfect woman!
Joey: Oh my god, you're right!
Joey: She even reads for pleasure!
Joey: What? I'm not allowed to know smart women?
Phoebe: Joey.
Joey: I met her at the library. I went in to pee.
Joey: Well, okay, I'll - I'll just call her and tell her the date's cancelled, and find him somebody else.
Joey: Ooh...I hear that's bad.
Joey: Ah, yes, The Plan! (Laughs loudly again, but he sounds more like Santa Claus.)
Joey: Yeah, you know, it's not that fun.
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Joey are there. Phoebe's cell phone rings.]
Phoebe (to Joey): Well, our plan is working. Rachel is having a miserable time, and Ross is just stood up somewhere at a restaurant all alone.
Joey: Oh, great, pretty soon they'll be back together.
(They run to the bedroom and close the door carefully just as Joey enters.)
Joey: Hello?
(Emma starts making noises, and Joey walks over to her playpen.)
Joey: Emma? Hey! Hi!
Joey: How are ya? How are ya? Where are your babysitters, huh? Why's the bedroom door closed?
Joey: You can't have S-E-X, when you're taking care of the B-A-B-I-E!
(Joey and Chandler enter with Emma.)
Monica (to Joey): Why the hell did you take her?
Joey: Because you two were having sex!
Joey: Don't you lie to me! I could tell by Chandler's hair. (To Chandler.) You are so lazy. Can't you get on top for once?
Joey: Hey! It is unacceptable that you two would have sex with Emma in the next room. I'm gonna have to tell Rachel about this.
(Joey starts to leave.)
Monica: No, please don't. Please, Joey. She will kill us!
Joey: Hey, I gotta! Unless...
Joey: Unless you name your firstborn child Joey.
Joey: Hey, I may never have kids, and somebody's gotta carry on my family name.
Joey: (BEAT) (Laughs.) You almost had me.
[Cut to outside. Phoebe and Joey are walking down the street to Central Perk.]
Phoebe: Now, wait a minute. So, they're gonna name their first child Joey?
Joey: Uh-huh.
Joey: It's easy, you just walk in on them having sex.
(Joey does the "plan-laugh.")
Rachel: Oh. Huh. You know, it is weird that Phoebe would set me up on a date that was awful on the same night that Joey set you up on a date that didn't even show.
Joey: We're geniuses! Yeah, look at them, look at them, they're really bonding.
(Rachel and Ross turn around and look at Phoebe and Joey with puzzled expressions on their faces.)
Joey: Where?
[Scene: Delmonico's restaurant. Ross and Joey are sitting at a table for four. The waiter is pouring water in their glasses.]
Joey: Can you believe they're still not here?
Joey: I know, I'm so bummed. Can we have our free crab cakes now?
Joey: We've been stood up. (sniffles) And we want our free crab cakes.
(Chandler opens the bathroom door to reveal Joey passed out on the toilet with a toothbrush in his mouth.)
Rachel: Yknow Joey, I could teach you to sail if you want.
Joey: Uh yeah-ye-ye-ye-ye-yel-l-l-l-l-look the-the-the only reason that I, that I came up to you before was because well, Im really nervous about-about being you. Yknow if you can help me capture the essence of the character. Yknow? Help me keep Jessica alive. Please?
Joey: I know! I know! It turns out that one of the casting ladies has actually seen me in a play, so I steered clear of her
Joey: Uh, it's 2:30 in the morning!
Joey: Something called Braxton-Hicks contractions.
Joey: (looking in the Yellow Pages) Look, maybe I need to try a real teacher! Right here! Here! Andy Cooper, he teaches guitar and look ooh, there's a nice picture of him with a little kid and THE KID'S GOT A GUITAR!!!!!! (Storms out.)
Joey: (crying) You didnt cry when Bambis mother died?
(Joey finishes climbing the stairs and sees them. Chandler and Rachel both stop and look up at him. Joey sits down on the step.)
(The chain breaks loose from the wall, and because Joey was pushing with all his might, he propells into the kitchen, towards the table with all the food. This table has wheels underneath it, and when Joey falls on this table, he rides into the living room, with all the food falling off, until finally Joey also falls off... Joey gets up quickly, a bit agitated, and acting as nothing happened. He is covered in food stains.)
Ross: Maybe it was both of us, but we had our best friend's interest (Pauses and looks at Joey.) But we had our best friend's interest at heart.
Joey: (to himself) That's the fastest I have ever thought!
Joey: (to Erin) Okay, good to see you again.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are sitting in their recliners watching TV. Monica, Ross, and Phoebe are there.]
Joey: Aw! Does that mean the Sam Goodys sale is over?!
Joey: All right look man, I didnt want to bring this up, but Chandler, is the stupidest name I ever heard in my life! Its not even a name; its barely even a word. Okay? Its kinda like chandelier, but its not! All right? Its a stupid, stupid non-name!
Joey: I want the drugs Ross, I want the drugs! (He starts rocking back and forth, taking Ross with him.)
Joey: Hey hey! You dye your hair!
Joey: Ms. Monroe (She slaps him) Oh there you go. (She storms off, leaving Joey standing next to Dina. They share a nod at the ferocity of the slap they just received.)
Joey: Well do it all, and better! Look, after tonight, Gandolf will want to party with us, dude! Come on!
Monica: (entering, to Joey and Rachel) Hey, did you guys know, that your oven doesn't work?
Grandma Tribbiani: Joey, bravo! (Starts with that Italian stuff again.)
Joey: Yeah, yeah, they must have jumped off the table, 'cause now they're gone!
[Scene: Chandler and Joeys, they are admiring the entertainment center]
Joey: Youre right. Youre right. I-Ill go tell her now before Ross finds out and Ill be gentle. I can do that. I am a gentle person. Oh, by the way. Two people screwing in there (Points to the closet Chandler and Monica were in) if you want to check that out.
Joey: (hanging up the phone) Yes! Guess who's in an audition for a Broadway musical?
Ross: Oh, I'm sorry, did I say "invest it"? I meant "be cool and piss it all away" (Joey and Chandler pleased)
Joey: Um, sure! Did you, uh, did you try turning the knob back the other way?
Joey: No, not really. They give you all the information, its uh, its like memorizing a script. (Making like a tour guide) "And on your left, you have Tyrannosaurus Rex, a carnivore from the Jurassic period.
Joey: Thats right! I helped you guys out a lot in the start of your relationship. Huh? I helped you guys sneak around for like six months, and I looked like an idiot! And I was humiliated. And I only made 200 dollars!
Joey: (to Monica) Hey, how much will you give me to eat this whole jar of olives?
Mr. Thompson: And finally, our biggest item of the night, the 22-foot gentlemans day sailer sailboat. The winning bid was a whooping $20,000! (Joey suddenly gets excited.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is walking from the bathroom to his bedroom and walks past a pile of Rachels laundry, which just happens to include a selection of panties. He stops, goes back to the basket, looks for Rachel, picks up a lavender thong, and heads for his bedroom. However, he decides he doesnt like his selection and goes back this time picking up a red low-cut silk brief and heads for his room, flexing along the way to prove his masculinity.]
Joey: All right, all we need is a little lighter fluid.
Chandler: I am sorry I am late. You�ll understand when you�ll see Joey.
Announcer: Presenting the award for Favorite Supporting Actress is Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives. (Applause as Joey angrily walks to the podium and eyes the trophy.)
Joey: (angrily) Get your non-believer ass outta my chair! (She gets up and heads for her room.)
Joey: Hey, that's why I didn't invite you. you have to calm down, alright... go, go get yourself a drink or something...
(Camera pans to Joey and Janine)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross still has boxes all over the place. Joey is wearing a football helmet, and Chandler is spinning him around in one of the chairs and counting.]
Joey: Hey... hey listen... What do you guys know about investments?
Monica: Joey, she was listing the countries shes done it in.
Joey: What's happenin'?
Rachel: Im fourth! (Joey is startled.) Look at you with your little maple syrup award!
Joey: Ohh. Hey, remember when I ran into this thing (The shutters that close off the kitchen.) and it kinda knocked me out a little?
Joey: Yeah, the other day I was at the bus-stop and this lovely fall breeze came in out of nowhere and blew this chick's skirt right up. Oh! Which reminds me, I'm also thankful for thongs. (Note: Actually, I think every guy is thankful for thongs. That and spandex. J )
Ross: Oh yknow, I stillI cant believe it. Joey and Rachel I mean its Its like you and me going out, only weirder!
Joey: Yeah, and oh she's really nice too. She taught me all about how to work the cameras, and smell-the-fart acting.
Chandler: Okay, well Im gonna get Ross, get the cameras, and get them developed. (Joey laughs again.) 32 Joe. Youre 32! (Exits)
(Cut to Joey watching TV in the corner. He makes an extravagant gesture of disappointment.)
(No one can and Monica looks at Joey expectantly.)
Joey: No-no-no, please-please Chandler I-I-I would owe you so much!
Rachel: Oh, come on Joey! You will totally keep it in check this time, and plus yknow the publicity would be really good for your career! And you deserve that! And if you do the interview you can mention, oh I dont know, gal pal Rachel Green?
Joey: Maybe you can tell me. My agent would like to know why I didn't show up at the audition I didn't know I had today. The first good thing she gets me in weeks. How could you not give me the message?!
JOEY: (emerging) Bedroom is clear, although you might need some new pillows.
Joey: All right, give it back to me. (takes the card back, but he looks at the card before he puts it back in the deck, he holds the deck to his forehead, and thinks a little while) 5 of hearts.
Joey: Yeah, or you can teach him a lesson. Y'know? What you could do is you could rub something that really smells on your butt, all right? Then, when he goes to smack ya, his hand will smell. (thinking aloud) Now what could you rub on your butt that would smell bad?
Joey: I didnt know it was an auction!
Joey: Right-right up here. (Starts looking at them through a piece of pipe.)
Rachel: Oh, isn't that adorable? Joey is afraid of the tarantula.
Joey: Hey! (he throws the basketball against a table again)
Joey: Because it's impossible to find her apartment! She lives in some like of hot girl parallel universe, or something.
Rachel: The beef? Yeah, that was weird to me, too. But then, yknow, I thought well, theres mincemeat pie, I mean thats an English dessert, these people just put very strange things in their food, yknow. [To Joey] Oh! by the way, can I borrow some Rum from your place?
Joey: Oh yeah, yeah! He's done tons of commercials. I've seen him in like Sugar Smacks, Playstation, and that one for the phone company. In fact he was so good in that one, he actually convinced me to switch phone companies. Chandler was mad .
Joey: No-no, she kicked our butts. You could be on the Olympic standing-there team.
Joey: Hey, Monica, wow youve been in the bathroom for like a half-hour.
Joey: (to Chandler) Dude, Phoebes mom has got a huge peni...
Joey: (after a long pause he starts miming again) I'm cold!
Joey: (to the fan) So, you saw me on Days Of Our Lives huh? Want me to, want me to do a little Dr. Drake Remoray for ya?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are watching one of those Kung Fu movies and imitating the moves.]
Joey: No, I don't think it's just about just getting a girlfriend. Y'know? I mean, yeah, I can get a girlfriend! Yeah, we could sit in the chair and do crosswords, but y'know are we ever going to have y'know the closeness like-like you guys have?
Rachel: HuhWait so Joey if you get this, youre gonna be like the star of your own TV show! I mean youll be like the Big Cheese! (To Phoebe) Or the Big MacHey! You love those!
Joey: Somehow they got the idea that you only invited them because of me. They feel a little unwanted.
Joey: I don't believe this... Have you guys been...
JOEY: It just seems so futile, you know ? All these women, and nothing. I feel like Superman without my powers, you know? I have the cape, and yet I cannot fly.
JOEY: Oh come on. Nobody likes two different kinds of eggs equally. You like one better than the other and I wanna know which.
Joey: Okay. I will. Ohh! Check out what they got me to wear for the ceremony! (Runs to his apartment and returns wearing a rather silly hat.) Huh? I wear it like this when I marry you guys, and then this (He tilts it to the side of his head) is for party time.
Joey: Yeah, yeah. Hes got a, hes got a really bad cough, and our vet, he cant do anything about it. Is there something you can do?
Ross: Oh Rach thats great. Thats great. (They hug and Joey breathes a sigh of relief.)
Joey: Dude! Hernia operations cost like, a lot probably. Besides its getting darker and more painful, that means its healing.
Phoebe: Well you all know that I'm a pacifist so I'm not interested in war in any way. (Gets up) But y'know what? When the revolution comes, I will have to destroy you all. (Starts to leave.) (To Joey) Not you Joey.
Joey: No-no-no-no-no, I saw an ad for this video, people climb that thing everyday! We could totally do that!
Joey: So I just talked to one of the DOOL writers today, and
Ross: 30 seconds on the clock. 5 questions wins the game. The lightning round begins now! What is Joeys favorite food?
Joey: (sarcastic) Oh no this is devastating! My faith is shaken. Im so glad I have the new chair to get my through this difficult time in my life.
Joey: Okay, hey, museum geeks, partys over. Okay. Wave bye-bye to the nice lady. There you go. Back to your parents basement. All right. (The museum geeks exit and Joey unlocks his door and lets the chick and the duck out.) Come on boys, come on out! Here you go. All right.
Hayley's roommate: Hey Hayley you've really gotta fix that doorknob. Joey!
Joey: (ducking) Get down!
Joey: Hey Mon, you might wanna make some more lasagna too, because something mightve happened to a huge chunk of it.
[Scene: A Medical Research Office, Joey is there to sign up for an experiment, any experiment.]
JOEY: [as they're walking out, Dr. Greene questioningly gestures at the Happy Birthday sign over the door] This is clearly in the wrong apartment. [they all walk across the hall]
(Joey gets up and heads for the door. After a pause Ross decides to join him.)
Chandler: Well uh, Archie needs money to fix his jalopy (Joey laughs), uh but he doesnt want Reggie to just give him the money. So Reggie hires him as his assistas his butler. And then makes him do all these crazy things like bring him milkshakes that cant have lumps in them.
Joey: your right! I love my life! (He gets up to go and speak to the girl and he turns back and sits down) I actually did sleep with her.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is closing the door on the tarantula cage.]
Joey: No-no-no I've seen it happen, you-you get a rapport going with a woman but somehow you manage to kill it. What's your secret?
Joey: Oh, you have no idea. And-and when were on stage I get to-to kiss her and-and touch her, but then she goes home with the director, and its like somebodys ripping out my heart!
Joey: No, no! (they all go towards the balcony but they get jammed in the window)
Joey: I dont need that anymore.
Joey: (running from his bedroom) Oh my God! I overslept! I was supposed to be on the set a half an hour ago! I gotta get out of here!