words in movies
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is in the kitchen as Joey enters from his bedroom.]
Joey: Morning, roomie!
Joey: Fifth day's a charm.
Rachel: Oh, Joey, it's so great to be back here. I gotta tell you, you're making it so easy on me and Emma.
Joey: Hey, it's great having you back. You know, stay as long as you want, and when does she stop crying all night?
Joey: She's probably exhausted from all that adorable screaming she did last night.
Joey: No, hey, it's been great.
Joey: Yeah. And look, I just want you to know that with Rachel staying here and everything, all my feelings from before are totally over, okay? And even if they weren't, when you accidentally walk in on a woman using a breast pump...
Joey: Wow! So, how are you?
Joey: Really?
Joey: Well, actually it...
Joey: Wow, really?
Joey: Sure, I know lots of girls.
Joey: Ooh, names?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Joey is there as Phoebe enters.]
Joey: Hey. I was just gonna get something to eat. You want something?
Joey (checks the refrigerator): Okay, let's see, we got strained peas, strained carrots... Ooh! Strained plums. We haven't tried that yet.
Joey: I'm fine, I'm fine, it's just, it's just weird what's happening with her and Ross. You know, yesterday he asked me to fix him up with somebody.
Joey: Why are they doing this?
Joey: You know what's crazy? These jars. What is it, like two bites in here?
Joey: I know, I know. And when they moved back in together, I figured y'know, that's where things were headed.
Joey: Yes, and they should name one of their kids Joey. I may not have kids; someone's gotta carry on the family name.
Joey: Yeah, because it is slim pickings. I had this date last night: Yuck! But we should probably keep it down; she's still in the bedroom.
Joey: I know; that just pushes them further and further apart.
Joey: Ooh, that's a great plan!
Joey: Shhh! Not so loud, we don't wanna wake up, uh...
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey is drinking coffee by the counter as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Ooh, Joey.
Joey: Hey.
Joey: All right! Who is he?
Joey (gives a thumbs up sign): Okay, okay. Wait till you hear who I got for Ross.
Joey: She's this really boring woman. She's a teacher!
Joey: Yeah, yeah, she's really into history and foreign movies... And oh, oh, she loves puzzles. Huh? Come on, who loves puzzles?
Phoebe: Well, Ross does. What... You're - you're ruining the plan! Joey, you've - you've fixed him up with his perfect woman!
Joey: Oh my god, you're right!
Joey: She even reads for pleasure!
Joey: What? I'm not allowed to know smart women?
Phoebe: Joey.
Joey: I met her at the library. I went in to pee.
Joey: Well, okay, I'll - I'll just call her and tell her the date's cancelled, and find him somebody else.
Joey: Ooh...I hear that's bad.
Joey: Ah, yes, The Plan! (Laughs loudly again, but he sounds more like Santa Claus.)
Joey: Yeah, you know, it's not that fun.
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Joey are there. Phoebe's cell phone rings.]
Phoebe (to Joey): Well, our plan is working. Rachel is having a miserable time, and Ross is just stood up somewhere at a restaurant all alone.
Joey: Oh, great, pretty soon they'll be back together.
(They run to the bedroom and close the door carefully just as Joey enters.)
Joey: Hello?
(Emma starts making noises, and Joey walks over to her playpen.)
Joey: Emma? Hey! Hi!
Joey: How are ya? How are ya? Where are your babysitters, huh? Why's the bedroom door closed?
Joey: You can't have S-E-X, when you're taking care of the B-A-B-I-E!
(Joey and Chandler enter with Emma.)
Monica (to Joey): Why the hell did you take her?
Joey: Because you two were having sex!
Joey: Don't you lie to me! I could tell by Chandler's hair. (To Chandler.) You are so lazy. Can't you get on top for once?
Joey: Hey! It is unacceptable that you two would have sex with Emma in the next room. I'm gonna have to tell Rachel about this.
(Joey starts to leave.)
Monica: No, please don't. Please, Joey. She will kill us!
Joey: Hey, I gotta! Unless...
Joey: Unless you name your firstborn child Joey.
Joey: Hey, I may never have kids, and somebody's gotta carry on my family name.
Joey: (BEAT) (Laughs.) You almost had me.
[Cut to outside. Phoebe and Joey are walking down the street to Central Perk.]
Phoebe: Now, wait a minute. So, they're gonna name their first child Joey?
Joey: Uh-huh.
Joey: It's easy, you just walk in on them having sex.
(Joey does the "plan-laugh.")
Rachel: Oh. Huh. You know, it is weird that Phoebe would set me up on a date that was awful on the same night that Joey set you up on a date that didn't even show.
Joey: We're geniuses! Yeah, look at them, look at them, they're really bonding.
(Rachel and Ross turn around and look at Phoebe and Joey with puzzled expressions on their faces.)
Joey: Where?
[Scene: Delmonico's restaurant. Ross and Joey are sitting at a table for four. The waiter is pouring water in their glasses.]
Joey: Can you believe they're still not here?
Joey: I know, I'm so bummed. Can we have our free crab cakes now?
Joey: We've been stood up. (sniffles) And we want our free crab cakes.
Joey: OK so I'm out four thousand dollars and nobody's boobs are getting any bigger?
Rachel: Joey, is this that thing that you do when you say you're bad so I'll give you a compliment?
Joey: And thats just in the city. I get her up to 160 when I take her upstate.
Joey: Its hard, y'know, his huddle is closer to Dutch girl.
Joey: Yeah, you'd think I'd give up being a minister and start paying to ride the subway? Huhuh...
Joey: Yeah. I realized it about a half-hour ago but I didn't want to say anything 'cause I didn't want to jinx it.
Joey: Y-y-yeah! (As they start to leave, Rachel pauses and steals a vase with flowers in it.) Yeah you do. (They exit.)
Joey: Its no big deal, okay? Phoebe and I talked about it. Its just a crush! Its going to go away! (Looks down) Dude, you gotta rearrange your bubbles! Oh!
Phoebe: Uh Joey, were trying to dial down the crazy.
Joey: (all excited) The Mr. Bowmonts here!!! (Jumps over the back off the couch and runs out into the street.)
Rachel: Yeah, Joey kinda disabled it when I moved in.
(They both pull but Joey slips out and starts to fall backwards just as Chandler enters, scaring him.)
Joey: Okay, the ring fell on the floor and I went down to pick it up and you thought I was proposing.
Rachel: Joey, (nervously) where did you learn that word?
Joey: Ah... Chick Jr.? Duck Jr.? Don't hide from mama!
Joey: Ooooh! Freeze him out.
JOEY: Oh hey uh, be careful with that 3-D last supper, Judas is a little loose.
[Scene: A Dry Cleaners, Joey is there with Phoebe and is trying to get his picture put back amongst the other celebrities hanging on the walls.]
Joey: I guess I'll get washed up then. Watch that sunrise. (He goes into the bathroom.)
Joey: Aww, man, now we wont be bank buddies!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is wiping down the peninsula counter as Joey enters dressed like a cowboy.]
Joey: I just got this really weird message from Ross. He said turn on MTV.
Joey: Hey, that pregnant girl's name was Erica.
Joey: Well how about this one? Testing the effects of Joey Tribbiani on attractive nurse receptionists.
Joey: Yeah-hah. Toute-de-le-fruit.
Joey/Drake: Stopping you from marrying the wrong man and making the biggest mistake of your life.
(Joey closes the door and ties the balloons to the knob. Then he walks away, holding the hand of an inflated balloon animal he had brought.)
[Scene: Lydia's Hospital Room, Joey is helping Lydia go through labor, a nurse is now present in her room as well.]
[Scene: The lobby in Ross's building, we see a flyer that is on the bulletin board that reads, "Are you the Hot Girl who waved at me? If so, give me a call!" and it's signed, Joey 629-9*** (The last couple of numbers have been ripped off). Anyhoo, Ross is getting his mail.]
Joey: Hey! Mine was by accident! All right, the boiler explodes and destroys the hotel, and kills the dad.
(And with that, television history is made as, for the first time ever, an entire show moves its entire production to an entirely different country to make a single episode. We get shots of Buckingham Palace, London Bridge, Big Ben, and the London Marriott as Joey and Chandler exit.)
Joey: Oh, de fuff!
Joey: Hey! Dont you hang up on me! Ill marry you and me right now! I have the power!
(Ross, Rachel and Joey come back from the bathroom. They discover that Monica and Ethan aren't finished talking to each other yet.)
JOEY: You guys are messin' with me, right?
[Scene: Camera fades to one of the band members playing guitar at the wedding. The chapel is full of guest. A groomsmen escorts a bridesmaid down the isle. Joey is waiting with Mrs. Waltham to escort he down the isle. A cellular phone rings.]
JOEY: Hi, here's the deal. We lost a carseat on a bus today. It's white plastic, with a handle, and it fits onto a stroller. Oh, and there was a baby in it. He wants to talk to you again.
Joey: Whoa-whoa, dont we need to do some kinda preparation first? Like ahh, get really drunk?
Joey: I had to read the Bible pretty carefully, but... yeah we do.
Joey: It's creamier.
Joey: (approaches, wearing his glasses) Hey you guys, check it out. Check it out. (Moves his hand towards and away from his face.) It's like it's coming right at me. (Chandler helps out a little bit by pushing on Joey's arm, which causes his hand to slap him in his face.)
Joey: No, one man for the rest of my life? I dont know if I can do it! This means Ill never get to sleep with Joey!
Joey: Yeah-well-yeah! Yeah-oh-yeah. Come on in.
Joey: (He starts looking longingly at the sandwich.) Oh mama! Uh when-when is the baby due?
Phoebe: I don't know. But, God, Joey seems to be handling it suprisingly well.
Joey: Umm, y'know how the other day you were talking about how you didn't get to go to London and how you were kinda feeling left out?
Joey: Whoever has the biggest boobs, has the biggest bra, therefore has the biggest wire.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are showing a couple of guys (Tony and Peter) the entertainment center.]
Joey: (To Monica) Okay! Look-look-look, uh, if youre gonna be moving in with him I feel its my responsibility to tell you the truth about him! Okay? Hes a terrible roommate! Terrible! He uh, forgets to umm Oh-oh he always, he always ummOh, who am I kidding! Hes the best roommate ever! (Hugs Chandler.)
Monica: All right, I'm out of oven space. I'm gonna turn on Joey's. Please, watch him! Do not let Joey eat any of the food!
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's; continued from earlier. Joey is closing the door after Rachel leaves and is about to confront Chandler and Monica.]
Joey: Hey Monica! (Grabs her and pulls her into the living room.) People came to see a fight, lets give em what they came for!
Joey: Yeah, so, uh, so, uh, what's the deal with this father guy, I mean, if someone was havin' my baby somewhere, I'd wanna know about it, you know?
Monica: Okay, fine but please dont be upset! Okay? I was really depressed okay? And really drunk! I just wanted something stupid and meaningless. I just wanted just sex. So, when I went to your room that night I was actually looking for Joey. (Joey smiles.)
Joey: Wow! That was incredible! Beard of bees, here I come!
Lorraine: She's checking the coats. Joey, I'm gonna go wash the cab smell off my hands. Will you get me a white Zinfandel, and a glass of red for Janice.
[Chandler is sitting in front of a window while it's raining outside. We see Joey through a rainy window. The camera zooms out to show it's just his tabletop water sculpture.]
Joey: So you like the nachos uh? Myself Im partial to
JOEY: Hey, there's me! April 17th. Excessive noise. Italian guy comes homes with a date. Hey Chandler, look, you're in here too.
Ross: Joey, Homo Sapiens are people.
JOEY: And, and just so you know, if you wanted to expand this scene like, like have the cab crash or somethin', I could attend to the victims 'cause I have a background in medical acting.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is singing Happy Birthday to yet another good-looking woman. Gunther is watching and is not very happy.]
Joey: Well, not so good. She definitely thinks tonight is the night we're gonna... complete the transaction, if you know what I...
Chandler: (sounds nervous) Yeah! I... I... I liked it! (Joey continues to look at him suspiciously) But, ehm... my bosses didn't go for it. Stupid sons of bitches!
Joey: Oh come on! Just pick one! Between Monica, Phoebe, Chandler, and Ross if you had to, if you had to, who would you punch?
Phoebe: Okay, lesson one: chords. Now, I don't know the actual names of the chords but umm, I-I-I made up names for the way my hand looks while I'm doing them. (She starts to show Joey the chords. Transcribers Note: For this one you'll have to use your imagination, 'cause it would take me 50 pages to describe each one. So if you want to see them, you'll have to wait for this episode to come to a TV near you.) (Holding up her hand and then reconfiguring her hand with each name.) So then, this is Bear Claw. Okay, umm, Turkey Leg and Old Lady. (Joey tries to imitate them.)
Rachel: (worried) Be-cause Ross is the father of my child! You know... and I... want him to hook up with lots of women! (pause) I just... All I'm saying is... I don't think that Joey and Charlie have anything in common.
JOEY: I'm movin' out like we talked about.
Ross: She wants me to take responsibility for everything that went wrong in our relationship. I mean she goes on for five pages about, about how I was unfaithful to her! (Both Joey and Chandler shrug their shoulders as to say Well...) (yelling) WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!
Joey: Oh no, I cant go. Im practicing; I got an audition to be the host of a new game show.
Joey: It looks like a women's purse.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Joey is telling everyone about his impending termination at Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.]
Joey: Check it out. (He turns around, pulls down his pants, and shows Phoebe that hes got panties on.) How much of a man am I?!
Joey: Yeah-yeah, and if I get it by day Ill (In a sexy voice) Dr. Drake Remoray, but by night Ill be (In an announcers voice) Joey Trrrribbiani!
Chandler: (examining the hat) And the bunny got away. (Turns and starts looking for the bunny as Joey puts the hat on.)
Joey: Hey! Let me ask you guys something. I have a new headshot taken tomorrow right and the photographer said she thinks Ishould have my eyebrows waxed. Is that weird for a guy?
[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey and Richard are in the middle of a scene. They are both holding swords.]
Phoebe: (on the other side of the line, still pretending to be Estelle) Joey, it's Estelle. (Joey's eyes bulge up, he looks afraid)
Joey: This is what Ive got going for the party so far, liquor wise. Get a lot of liquor.
[Cut back to Joey about to leave for his audition for Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.]
Joey: Days Of Our Lives. Anyway, youre not gonna believe it! My character is coming out of his coma!!
Phoebe: That you like, (snappily confronting Joey over the heads of the knitting circle) we get it. You like her. Great!
Chandler: No!! Okay!! Whats with the third degree?! Why dont you just shine a light in my eyes?! (Joey looks totally confused.)
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is getting coffee as Joey comes from God knows where! Some back area of Central Perk around the corner that weve never seen! Weeeiiirrrddd .]
Joey: Wait a minute, you can't go to Tulsa. Maybe you forgot, but we've got tickets to the Jets game next week.
[Scene: Rachel's room. Rachel and Emma are sleeping; Joey sneaks in and approaches the crib]
Joey: Pheebs, if this guy keeps closing down all of our favorite places, where are we gonna eat?!
Rachel: Ok (starts to light some candles) Sexy, sexy, very sexy, sexy. (Claps her hands and jumps at Joey, clearly very excited) Alright! Lets do it!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey and Chandler enter with Chandler covering his eyes and Joey leading him.]
Joey: It's like if you woke up one day and found out your dad was leading this double life. He's like actually some spy, working for the C.I.A. (Considers) That'd be cool.... This blows!
Joey: Oh, a wiseacre. (Mike looks bewildered). No, no, no, I understand you plan to support your wife by playing the piano? Isn't that kind of unstable?
JOEY: Well, I'm makin money now and this is payin' you back for head shots, electric bills, and so many slices of pizza I can't even count. I love ya man.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Dina and Rachel are reading pregnancy books, Dina Pregnancy for Dummies and Rachel something else.]
Joey: I bet Ross was in on it too. I mean he was conveniently busy.
Joey: Arg... Alright, I'll take care of it. <throws hands out in the air>
Joey: Hey no-no-no-no! Its cool! Its cool! I-Ill only be a second, Im still with my brides maid, I justWhere are those condoms you brought?
Joey: It's a... It's a "welcome home" sign for the baby.
CHANDLER: Or maybe she doesn't steal stuff and Joey just slept with her and never called her back.
Joey: Now, wait a second! You make food and robots?
Joey: We want you to be happy. And I may only have a couple beers in me, but... I love you, man. (Joey gives Ross a hug)