words in movies
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is filing her nails as Ross and Ben enter.]
Ross: Uh, before we do uh, are any of Joeys special romance magazines in there?
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are talking. Joey and Phoebe are getting coffee.]
Phoebe: (returning with Joey) With what?
(Joey nods his approval.)
Joey: I call it!!
Joey: Does calling it not mean anything anymore?!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Ben are sitting on the couch bored out of their minds.]
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are eating lunch as Joey enters.]
Joey: So, did you uh, find anyone to marry you guys yet?
Joey: Well then let me do it!
Joey: No-no-no! Look, Ive been thinking about it. Im an actor right? So I wont get nervous talking in front of people.
Monica: Joey look its really sweet
Joey: No-no-no-no look no! I wont spit, and I wont stare at Monicas breasts! Yknow? Everyone knows Im an ass man!
Joey: Yeah and the most important thing is that it wont be some like, stranger up there who barely knows you. Itll be me! And I swear Ill do a really good job. Plus, yknow I love you guys and-and it would really mean a lot to me.
Joey: So I can do it?
Joey: All right!!! Okay!! All right! Okay-okay, I gotta get started on my speech! Oh, wait a minute, Internet ministers can still have sex right?
Joey: Okay.
Joey: Oh! My head! Oh! (Hes sitting on the chair, lies back, and puts his feet up for Monica to rub.) Oh!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is reading and there is knock on the door which she answers.]
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Say hello to Reverend Joey Tribbiani! (Holds up the piece of paper bearing the proof of his ordination.)
Joey: Yeah, I just got off the Internet! Man, there is a lot of porn out there!
Joey: Anyway, I started working on what Im going to say for the ceremony, do you wanna hear it?
Joey: Now-now, listen this is just a first draft so (Starts to read the piece of paper he brought.) "We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share." (Monica and Chandler like it so far.) Eh? (He continues reading.) "It is a love based on giving and receiving. As well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving." (Phoebe nods her approval.) "We too can share and love and have and receive."
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Monica are returning from Central Perk.]
Joey: Okay you guys, I got a little more written. Are you ready?
Joey: (reading) "When I think of the love that these two givers and receivers share, I can not help but envy the lifetime ahead of having and loving and giving and " And then I cant think of a good word for right here. (He points to the stop on the paper where he left off.)
Joey: Yes!
Joey: Ooh, like the time you and I went to Atlantic City and I made you laugh so hard you threw up your whole steak?! Remember?
Chandler: No, not us (Motions Joey and him.) Us! (Motions Monica and him.)
Joey: Oh. Okay. Ooh! Ooh! Okay, maybe Ill talk about London! Yknow when you two hooked up! Only, only I wont say hooked up. Ill say, "Began their beautiful journey "
Joey: " by doin it."
Joey: Okay. All right. Umm, so uh, so how did it happen? Did your eyes meet across the room? And then the next thing yknow youre in the bathtub together and shes feeding you strawberries?
Joey: Yeah!! I call that London style.
Joey: Oh.
Joey: Yeah baby!
Joey: Oh.
Joey: Yeah baby!
Monica: (entering) Is Joey here?
(They start making out again, and it takes Joey trying to enter to stop them.)
Chandler: Joey! Joey! Joey! J-J-Joey-Joey-J-Joey! (Monica hides under the covers as Joey enters. Remember?)
Joey: Hey!
Joey: Oh, dude Im so sorry!
Joey: Hey no-no-no-no! Its cool! Its cool! I-Ill only be a second, Im still with my brides maid, I justWhere are those condoms you brought?
Joey: Ah. (Joey walks to Chandlers bag by getting as far away from Chandlers bed as possible.)
Joey: (pause) For just you?
Joey: Hey listen, why dont you come downstairs with me? Theres some really nice girls down there.
Joey: All right, here you go buddy. (He tosses him one.) Go nuts. (Exits.)
[Cut back to Monica and Chandler telling Phoebe and Joey the story.]
Joey: Thats what that was?! Cause that other thing? I thought you were on to something, but it did nothing for me.
Joey: Oh (To Chandler) Can you imagine if I hadnt left you that last one? You two mightve never gotten together. Ooh-ooh! Could you imagine if I sent that hooker up to the room like I was gonna?! Its like it was in the stars!
Phoebe: (To Joey) What?!
Monica: Okay, fine but please dont be upset! Okay? I was really depressed okay? And really drunk! I just wanted something stupid and meaningless. I just wanted just sex. So, when I went to your room that night I was actually looking for Joey. (Joey smiles.)
Joey: Yeah baby! (Chandler glares at him.) No baby!
Chandler: (To Monica) So you came to the room looking for Joey? Did you ever in-intend on telling me about this?
Chandler: Oh, its not important? Its not important?! If it wasnt for a brides maid youd be marrying him (Points to Joey) not me!
Joey: And it is a love that is based on having and giving and receiv(Shuts up on Monicas glare.)
Monica: Chandler, please! Do you know how unbelievably glad I am that Joey was not there that night?!
Joey: Hey! (Monica turns and looks at him) Now Im a man of the cloth, but I still have feelings!
Chandler: (To Joey) Look there is no way youre doing this wedding now. Okay?
Joey: What?! Thats not fair! Its not my fault! I was off with my brides maid! And whos to say I wouldve even said yes?! (To Monica) I mean I wouldve said yes. Chandler look y-y-you are making way to big a deal out of this, all right? Look, everything worked out okay!
Joey: This is crazy.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is sulking on the couch as Joey enters to talk with him.]
Joey: Hey.
Joey: Chandler, come on nothing even happened!
Joey: No-hey-no! If you dont want me to do it, I except that. I dont care about that. I just I dont want you to be upset.
Joey: Yeah for like a half an hour one night! Chandler, she wants you for the rest of her life! Youre so lucky! Look what I missed out on by not being there! Although you know what? It could never have worked like you guys did, cause you guys are perfect for each other. Yknow, we look at you and-and we see you together and it just it-it fits. Yknow? And you just know its gonna last forever.
Joey: What?
Joey: Really? I can do it?
Joey: Hey! (They hug.)
Joey: Well I dont know remember exactly but, its-its pretty much about having and giving and sharing and receiving.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is in the kitchen as Ross and Ben are entering.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are entering. Phoebe and Joey are sitting on the couch.]
Joey: Hey!
Joey: So are guys doing okay?
Monica: Yeah baby! (Phoebe and Joey nod.)
Phoebe: Im really glad you guys are okay but, I just keep thinking what would happen if-if you two (Points to Monica and Joey) actually had hooked up.
[Scene: Monica and Joeys, Monica is cooking.]
(Joey, whose new diet is working out great, he looks like he only weighs 375 down from 420 enters from the bedroom.)
Fat Joey: Whats my little chef got for me tonight?
Joey: Ho-ho-ho, (pausing for a rest next to the fridge) fried stuff with cheese!
Fat Joey: Thanks sweetheart. Give me a little sugar here. (They kiss.) Okay.
(Joey sits down.)
Fat Joey: Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! (Groans and picks up a piece of food.) How you doin?
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is getting Phoebe some coffee.]
Joey: Here you go.
Joey: Good for you!
Joey: I will not take this abuse. (Walks to the door and opens it to leave.)
Joey: All right look, let me show you the catalog! (Does so.) See? Huh? It's the latest thing! Everyone's got one! Men! Women! Children! Everyone's carrying them!
Joey: The part I want to audition for is a fireman, this is so meant to be!
Phoebe: Hey! Joey! (They all head over to him, he spots them coming and panics.) Hey! Hey!! Wow! (She hugs him.)
Joey: Oh, were having a big party tomorrow night. Later! (Starts for the door.)
Joey: So what does that mean? Are you guys getting back together?
(Then she reaches over again and Joey moves his plate a little to the left, and she misses, then she reaches out again, and he moves his plate to the right , so she misses again. She tries a third time and this time, Joey pushes his plate so far to the left, it drops off the edge of the table)
Chandler: Okay! So yeah, maybe we can get together umm (Joey mimes throwing something in the air, catching it, rolling it out, putting it in an oven and cutting it.) Can you hold for one second please? (To Joey) What?!
Joey: (in baby-like voice) How come you don't live with Mommy? (pause; shows Ross less than amused) How come Mommy lives with that other lady? (pause; Ross still looks less than amused; Joey smiling) What's a lesbian? (playfully hits Ross)
Joey: (impatiently tapping Chandler on the shoulder) What about me?! You-you just said I could!
Rachel: Joey, y'know you get any mustard on that bag, you can't return it.
[Scene: Ross's apartment. Rachel, Joey and Charlie are eating fajitas when Ross enters from the kitchen.]
Joey: Actually, you have a little bit of an edge.
Joey: Okay. Have a benefit.
Chandler: You don't think we'd buy a house and not have a Joey room do you?
Joey: Oh, youre kidding me! All-all right, well make sure you tell him that Joey Tribbiani stopped by to drop off all of these clothes. Okay? Im an actor; Im kinda getting my picture up there on the wall.
Joey: Monica-Monica-Monica-Monica, listen-listen, listen, listen, would-would it make you feel better if we all stop talking about Ross and Rachel.
Joey: (to Charlie) I think I've been recognized, this happens all the time!
Chandler: Uh, credit card. (Reaches for it then realizes) Oh no! No-no, but I left my credit card with Joey. (To Phoebe) Okay, Ill go get it. You guard the ring.
Joey: That's great! Hey, can you cast me in it?
Rachel: I know, I know! I just can't keep this one in, so I pick up the phone (Joey in a childish attempt to not hear what Rachel is about to say, puts his fingers in his ears and starts to scream loudly. Rachel turns and walks out upon seeing that Joey's not gonna listen, and as she exits Chandler walks in and sees Joey in his current state.)
Chandler and Joey: He- he- he got in, he- he got in to San Diego.
Joey: (looks at the ground and at Ross) I dont know Ross! I-I tell you what, lets flip to see who does it, okay? You-you call it in the air, all right?
JOEY: Ahh, alright, alright, alright, I was young and I just wanted a job, OK. But at the last minute I couldn't go through with it so they let me be the guy who comes in to fix the copier but can't 'cause there's people havin' sex on it.
Joey: What do you mean? Rach, don't I seem like a professor you'd buy some kind of e-crap from?
Joey: I should know that. Lets see, just one moment please. Umm, here we are, a Wicked Wango card determines whether you go higher or lower.
Ross: (popping up behind Joey wearing an Indian headdress) Come on, it's fun!
Joey: Are you calling you people? (Chandler rolls his eyes.) Yeah, well sorry to burst that bubble, Pheebs, but selfless good deeds don't exist. Okay? And you the deal on Santa Clause right?
Joey: Huh. Interesting. Now there are obstacles. Hot nanny and me against the world. This is the kind of stuff great novels are made of.
[cut to Joeys bedroom, Joey and Kate are emerging from under the covers.]
Joey: (hurrying over) Okay! Okay, youre yelling again! See that?
(Joey jumps up in excitement and without turning around Chandler holds out his hand stopping him, and ushering him back into his seat. Joey sits down, dejected.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is playing that string game with the two hands and the weird crossing patterns as Chandler enters with the mail.]
Joey: So, what, you think I'm just gonna sleep with her and never call her again and things are gonna get uncomfortable? (thinks about it) Yeah, sounds about right.
Joey: Yes I am! Again so simple!
Joey: ...Ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven. See, I told you! Less than a hundred steps from our place to here.
Joey: (long pause and he twitches a bit) You're a pain in my ass, Geller!
Rachel: Yeah. Sure. (Joey nods his head questioningly and Rachel nods no.)
Joey: Yeah, tell that to my Uncle Lenny.
Joey: I promise. And that means, never having to give a reason. (Phoebe stops herself from laughing and leaves)
Joey: Well if its free food, how come youre charging me for it?
Joey: It's my house-warming present for Monica and Chandler.
(Joey totally agrees with this statement and kicks his feet up.)
Phoebe: Wow, Joey and a professor! Can you imagine if they had kids and if the kids got her intelligence and Joey's raw sexual magnetism... Oh, those nerds will get laaaaaid!
Rachel: Excuse me! (and she walks back to Joey, who is still looking very impressed about what Ross said to him. Rachel looks at him and hits him.) You didn't tell him, did you?
Joey: That's right Ross, I can see you in your new apartment! And you can see me! Same as yesterday, (To Monica) same as the day before.
Joey: Really. And what do you mean you never have fun anymore? You have fun with me, remember that time we saw those strippers and you paid me 50 bucks to eat that book?
Joey: I'm, I'm okay. See. (tries to smile, but fails horribly)
JOEY: Ok, um, uh, we three feel like, that uh, sometimes you guys don't get that uh, we don't have as much money as you.
Monica: Okay, just back off mister! Whoa. (Pause) Cause I am ready to have a baby. I just want Joey to be the father.
Joey: You do have a choice!! Ross, why are you listening to her?! Are you, are you crazy?!
Joey: You got a little bored?
Joey: Yeah but we wont be able to like get up in the middle of the night and have those long talks about our feelings and the future.
Monica: Hey Joey, Chandler sold a story to Archie Comics!
Joey: No, but its okay. She just came in and gave him a hug, that it.
Ross and Joey: Oh yeah, yeah, sure. Absolutely.
JOEY: These'll go great in my new place. You know, 'till I get real ones.
Joey: Uh no, not really. It's an independent film y'know? So we don't have a real big budget. I figured I'd just stay in your room.
[Scene: Caesar's Palace Casino, Joey is approaching one of the blackjack tables on his quest to make enough money for his movie.]
Joey: Well anyway, I'm glad you're back, I really need your help.
Joey: Look listen, that TV movie I went in for? Did you hear anything? I think I got a shot at it.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is playing Playstation, Crash Team Racing to be exact (hes in last on Hot Air Skyway to be more exact) as Joey enters from his room desperately trying to look like a 19-year-old. Hes got the wool cap, hes got the cut-off Knicks jersey over the faded T-shirt, and hes got the whole pants-around-the-knees-showing-off-the-boxers thing that rich, white, suburban kids have adopted in a desperate and extremely futile attempt to try to look like theyre from the inner-city.]
Cecilia: (to him) Im having a conversation here! (To Joey) You were saying?
Joey: Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?
[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is reporting for work.]
Joey: Oh, Kath, we should get going. We're going to by hamsters.
(Monica throws the ball over Joeys head, its stopped from rolling away by a very beautiful woman.)
Joey: (excitedly) Can I come?! I wont even talk! Youll just hear the noise from my video camera.
Joey: (to Phoebe) Look at you. Since when do you roller blade?
[Another series of flashbacks begins with Episode 413: The One With Rachels Crush, Joey is telling Rachel and Phoebe how he picks up women.]
Joey: No! Forget it! OkayI mean thanks, but Im done taking money from you. All right, I can take of myself. Now, whats next? Come on.
Chandler: Oh Joeys got a really bad hernia, but thats nothing a little laser eye surgery wont fix!
Monica: No! No! I shouldnt have even opened these! I mean IJoey I am out of control!! Joey, you have to do me a favor. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, please do not let me open another present! Okay?
Joey: Look Phoebe I'm so sorry! Hey, look, if you don't like this guy I can find you a better one. (Looks around) Mike!! Mike!!
Joey: Yeah! All rightLook, I know sometimes itll be hard, okay? But, itll also be really really great. Please Rachel! I-I-I really want you to stay.
Joey: You got it. Thanks man. Thanks for doing this, I owe you one. (Joey leaves, comes back in.) Oh, hey! There wasn't any change from that twenty, was there?
Joey: (entering, depressed) Hey. I just got off the phone with Estelle and guess what. (Pause, then very excitedly) I GOT THE LEAD IN A MOVIE!!!!!!
Joey: Dont you see what this means?! I can forget about that stupid movie. I'm gonna be a millionaire!
<Joey looks> Oh! Stupid long sleeves.
Joey: Hey! Y'know how we ah, save all those chopsticks for no reason we get when we get Chinese food?
[Scene: Ross and Rachels, Monica, Phoebe, Joey and Chandler are waiting for Ross and Rachel to come home and Monica is looking at the sign Phoebe bought that says, "Its a Boy!"]
Rachel: Oh Joey, I cant believe you brought my boss into this! Im gonna get fired!
[Cut to Chandler opening the door to his and Joeys apartment to reveal Monica standing there with a turkey on her head in The One With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks.]
Joey: Monica, you have to do some damage control here, okay. 'Cause he's feeling like... (the door opens and Chandler walks in with a pizza)
Joey: Yeah, it mustve fallen out a few blocks back. I just figured we hit a dog.
[Scene: Days Of Our Lives set, Joey is doing a scene with a co-star as Rachel watches on a monitor.]
Joey: Yeah, sure. (He takes it off and starts reading.) Well, you must be new here. Maybe we shouldI'm sorry, can I ask you something? (He stops and asks a question.)
Joey: Fine, fine okay. But I gotta say technically, I didnt even do anything wrong.
Phoebe: Hey! Check it out! This is unbelievable! Joey has been holding his breath for almost four minutes!
(Joey laughs, pulls it off, then does a high-pitched whine.)
Joey: Sure. I went through the exact same thing with Alicia Mae Emory... The waiting, the wandering... Then one day... I get that call from Toys "R" Us... She was in stock!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is getting ready for her date and Joey is reading a magazine.]
Joey: (sitting on the otherside of the counter from Chandler) Gimme a box a juice. Well, they switched me over to Hombre.
(He puts his leg up on the couch to get the quarter, once again exposing himself to Chandler and Ross. In horror, Chandler, slides over and leans against Joey on the couch.)
(They all run over to Joey and Ross, Chandler grabs the movie and reads the title.)
Rachel: Joey, youre such an amazing actor! (He smiles.) How do you know where Dr. Drake Remoray leaves off and Joey Tribbiani begins?
Joey: Sure I can, standard shotgun rules, Im sight of the room and I called it.
Joey: (In near tears, realizes she is right) I hate to admit it, but you're probably right. How did you get to be so smart?
JOEY: I did. I thought it'd be great. I figured I'd have like, time alone with my thoughts but, ya know, it turns out I don't have as many thoughts as you'd think.
Janice: Hello, Joey, our little matchmaker. I could just kiss you all over, and I'm gonna!