words in movies
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are on the couch as Joey enters.]
Phoebe: (To Joey) Oh hey! How was your audition?
Joey: Im sorry, do I know you?
Joey: Nothing, Im just practicing blowing you off because Im gonna be a big movie star!
Joey: Well, no not yet. But the audition went really good.
Joey: Oh, its this big budget period movie about these three Italian brothers who come to America around the turn of the century. Its really classy! Oh, and the director is supposed to be the next, next Martin Scorcese.
Joey: Yeah, theres this guy from Chicago whos supposed to be the next Martin Scorcese, all right? But then this guys right after him. (Joeys cell phone rings and he answers it.) Hello!
Estelle: Joey! Its Estelle! I just talked to the casting people; they loved you!
Joey: (to Monica and Phoebe) They loved me!
Joey: (on phone) Oh my God!
Joey: Are you kidding me? I never rent a movie without it! (Listens) Oh. (Listens) Uh, okay uh let me call you back. (Hangs up.)
Joey: They want me to be totally naked in the movie!
Joey: I know! My grandmothers gonna see this!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey is entering.]
Joey: I dont know! Its not like its porn! This is a serious, legitimate movie. Yknow? And the nudity is really important to the story.
Joey: Youre right. Maybe I shouldnt even go on the call back.
Joey: Well thats true. And I am only naked in one scene. Plus it sounds really great. My characters catholic and he falls in love with this Jewish girl. Who run away together and they get caught in this big rainstorm. So we go into this barn and undress each other and hold each other. Its really sweet and-and tender.
[Scene: A Casting Directors Office, Joey is entering for his callback.]
Joey: Hey, Im back!
The Casting Director: Hi-hi Joey.
Joey: Uh so, will-will I be reading the same scene again?
Joey: Oh great! Yknow I wouldve been perfect for this part, but whatever! Yknow, thanks for making a bad decision and ruining your movie! Good day! (Starts to leave.)
The Casting Director: Wait Joey! You didnt need to come down because the director saw your tape from yesterday and loved it.
Joey: And scene! Huh? Wasnt that fun? We did a little improv there. Yeah! Okay! So you-you-you-you were saying?
Joey: Wow! Sure! Thats great!
Joey: Yeah! Yeah sure, just long as its handled tastefully and that barn is not too cold.
Joey: So What?
Joey: Yes!
Joey: No. What?
Joey: Barmifsaed?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey is telling Monica what the casting director was trying to get too.]
Joey: Nope.
Joey: Yep.
Joey: Thats right.
Monica: Wow! Wow! And its definitely all gone? Theres nothing there to work with? (Joey glares at her.) What were you thinking?
Joey: I dont know! I really want this part! And they tell you no matter what you get asked at an audition you say yes. Like if-if they want you to ride a horse, you tell em you can! And just figure out how to do it later.
Monica: Joey! This is not like learning to ride a horse! This is like learning to grow a turtleneck!
Joey: I kn-I know! I know! Okay? And apparently tomorrow when I go in to meet the director I have to take off my clothes so that they can see what my body looks like.
Joey: I just have to call my agent and tell her I cant do the part. (Gets up for the phone.)
Joey: Unless what?
Joey: Like what?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering and Rachel is still planning.]
Monica: Well uh, Im trying to make something for Joey. Do you mind if I raid your fridge?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is standing at the counter as Monica enters carrying a tray.]
Joey: Wow! This looks great!
Joey: And-and-and-and-and the toothpicks?
Joey: Thank God!
Joey: Ah.
Joey: Well maybe we just take that one away. (Picks it up and throws it away.)
Joey: Thanks, you are such a good friend. And this is so weird.
Joey: Ow!
Joey: Yeah.
Joey: The fruit roll up.
Joey: Delicious.
Monica: Joey!
Joey: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! We have a winner!
Joey: The Silly Putty! Its not so silly anymore!
[Scene: The casting directors office, Joey is there to show off to the director, so to speak.]
Joey: And whats cool is, the character is from Naples, right?
Joey: My whole familys from Naples!
The Casting Director: Joey, this is awkward part.
Joey: Oh! Hey right! Not a problem. (He starts taking off his clothes.) I totally understand. You need to yknow make sure I dont have any horrible scars or tattoos. Dont you worry; I have nothing to hide. (He drops his pants and stands back up and looks down.) So there you go, thats me. (We cut to a camera angle looking at the casting director and movie director through Joeys legs.) One hundred percent natural! (Suddenly, theres a thud as something falls off.) (Everyone is shocked.) I tell ya, that has never happened before.
Monica: Joey hes not even thinking about going after Rachel!
<Joey is walking around looking worried. >
Joeys Sisters: (entering) Joey!!! Happy Birthday!! (all 7 of them look almost identical)
Joey: Oh what then? Kick me?
Joey: Hey.
JOEY: [in a fake voice] Uhh, hello Miss Buffay. I know where your dog is. I want you to know that he'll be returned to you, almost as good as new, within, within 24 hours. Uh, goodbye. [hangs up]
Joey: Well, I think its ridiculous that you havent had sex in three and a half months.
Joey: Yeah, I thought you knew that.
Phoebe: Of course we can. Congratulations. (they hug, but Joey shakes his head.) Yay! (she gestures Joey to come and join in) Joey...
Joey: But what if uhand Im not saying she will beBut
Joey: Are you sure?
Joey: Hey thanks.
Joey: Okay thats the green stuff talkin.
[Scene: Outside Ross and Rachel's, Joey walks up to knock on the door, but stops.]
Joey: Look, Chandler, I told you, never tell anyone about this dog thing. It's like Ross not likin ice cream.
Rachel: Joey? Whats up?
Joey: All right, here we go. (He grabs them and starts to pull them out of the apartment.)
Monica: I just talked to Joey, I justI want to see how you were.
Joey: Oh okay, okay! One more push! One more push! Come on honey, were almost there! Were almost there!
Chandler: Get there faster! (Joey gasps and finally understands...)
[Scene: A restaurant, Joey and Rachel are having dinner.]
Joey: Uh-huh, long time.
(A waiter runs over interrupting Joey.)
Joey: But over the past few weeks
Joey: Uh How long have we known each other?
Joey: Im not quite sure.
Joey: Im falling in love with you.
Joey: Actually uh, could you give us a second?
Rachel: Joey.
Joey: Yknow what? Dont worry about it, you still got me and Phoebe.
Rachel: Joey, Joey I love you so much, but I
Joey: Does it really matter?
Joey: Okay look Rach, I know this is a lot. You dont have to say anything. You-you uh, you take as much time as you need. (Long pause as Rachel says nothing.) Okay, you gotta say something!
Joey: Sure!
Rachel: Oh Joey honey I dont I dont want to lose
Joey: Oh no-no Rach, please, dont be sorry. Okay? Dont be sorry. (They hug again.) Yknow I was only kidding you.
Joey: But. (Hangs his head down.)
Rachel: Is Joey here?
Rachel: Joey? Are you in there?
Monica: Joey, you have to talk to her!
[Scene: The Hallway, Rachel walks up the stairs and knocks on Joeys door.]
Joey: (hearing Rachel and jumping up with his plate) Oh God! Thats Rachel!
(Camera goes to Joey. The clock is at 20 sec. The word "Legislature" appears. He looks at it blank faced and his eyes shift between Henrietta and his screen)
Joey: I cant! Yknow? You guys dont know what its like to put yourself out there like that and just get shot down.
Monica: (To Joey) Okay, did you hear that?
Joey: (entering from his room) All right! Everybody ready to go to the movies?
Joey: Hey happy Thanksgiving.. Pheebs! <motions her to come over>
Joey: All right so, so what do I do?
Joey: This is how much we pay for electric?!!!
Rachel: Thank you doctor. (Dr. Long exits.) (To Joey) Oh thank you for being so nice and calm.
Joey: I still cant believe they took away my key. You trust me with yours.
Joey: Hi.
Joey: Hey.
(Joey enters.)
Joey: I.. I.. I need a good lie.
JOEY: Yeah. And uh, I paid for the other half.
Joey: Okay. (Clears throat) Years ago, when I was backpacking across Western Europe
Joey: I saw this movie once where there was a door and no one knew what was behind it, and when they finally got it open millions and millions and millions of bugs came pouring out and they feasted on human flesh. Yknow it wouldnt kill ya to respect your wifes privacy! (He walks away and into his apartment and looks the door.) Stupid closet full of bugs!
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Uh I really dont know what to tell you Rach, I really dont. I mean, maybe Joey can help you out with your, with your big work problem.
Joey: Yeah?
Joey: Yeah?
Joey: Thats crazy!
Joey: What he wants to buy your baby?!
Joey: Oh hey! You got my parents gift! (Holds it up.)
Joey: Okay, how did this even happen?
JOEY: Oh we flipped for it. I got the cigar, he got the moustache. Figured if we both grew it, we'd look like dorks.
Joey: I do not.
Joey: No, no, no I need a good lie to explain why I wasn't at a work thing today.
Joey: And of course, crotchless panties.
Joey: Okay, heres a good one for ya. Who do think would win in a fight between Ross and Chandler.
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Well, there were a couple of calls last night, but ah, I dont think any of them are gonna work out.
Joey: Thats your move? Boy Rach, youre lucky youre hot.
Rachel: No! No, no-no-no Joey he doesnt want to buy my baby! I made that up!
Joey: Lets just say I took care of it.
Joey: What?! Why?!
Joey: You lied to me!
Joey: And you couldnt think of anything else?!
Rachel: Well, she told me too! (Points to Monica and Joey glares at her.)
Joey: Im not telling, youll have to see it on TV!
Joey: And-and theres no danger to her and the baby?
(For the first time we see that the woman Ross is talking too is in fact the hot girl that Joey is looking for. She just kinda stares at him.)
Joey: So? What-what-what happened?
Joey: I know. I know.
Rachel: Joey, Im really sorry that I lied to you. I was just trying to make things
Joey: Hey youre right. Yeah, its kinda been like us again a little bit.
Joey: What?! Oh my-oh my God!
JOEY: I just... I just don't think that I want it that way though, y'know? I mean, let's say I do make it, alright? I'm always gonna look back and wonder if it was because of my talent or because of.. y'know, the Little General.
Joey: So, whos the guy?
Joey: Somebody opened the door to the coffee house and a raccoon came running in, went straight for your muffin and I said "Hey don't eat that-that's Phoebe's" and he said.. <pause> He said.. "Joey you stink at lying." What am I going to do?
Joey: Okay, pick a card, any card. (Monica picks one) All right, now memorize it. Show to everybody. Got it?
Joey: But you called me 'Bert'!? That's our code word for danger!
Joey: Hey!
(Ross, Joey, and Rachel enter)
Joey: All right, car magazines, cereal boxes, but its like enough!
Joey: Oh great, that'd be great. Thank you.
Joey: Uh.. <forgetting what the work thing was, rolls up his sleeve on his right arm and shows Phoebe, she looks>
Joey: I have to go to the bathroom too, but I dont want him complimenting my thing.
Joey: I know