words in movies
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler are all there as Phoebe enters dejectedly.]
Joey: I cant believe she would say that too you.
Joey: (interrupting him) Uh Ross! Are there uh, are there naked chicks on that piece of paper?
Joey: Well, Ive just never seen a guy stare so hard at a piece of paper that didnt have naked chicks on it.
Ross: Ohh! Okay! Okay. (Resumes reading word for word from the card) "There are three (pauses and looks at Joey) primary theories concerning sediment flow rate. (Pauses and darts his eyes between Chandler and Rachel.) (Rachel starts laughing) Each of these theories (glances at Phoebe) can be further subcategorized (glances at Chandler) into "
Joey: Oh-ooh-ooh! Yknow whats a good visual aide?
Joey: Why not?!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is playing that string game with the two hands and the weird crossing patterns as Chandler enters with the mail.]
Joey: Hey! Any good mail?
Joey: Ooh, its probably a residual check, hey can you open it for me, Im kinda .
Joey: Hmm thats weird. I dont remember being in a move called benefits lapsed.
Joey: Let me see that!
Joey: (reads it) Oh, I cant believe this! This sucks! When I had insurance I could get hit by a bus or catch on fire, yknow? And it wouldnt matter. Now I gotta be careful?!
Joey: All right well, I guess I gotta go get a job. Im gonna go see my agent.
Joey: (mocks him, in a whiney voice) look both ways before you cross the street. (Turns and walks headlong into the closed door.)
Ross: I knew all I had to do was let the material speak for itself. Everyones all, "Ross you have to be funny and sexy." Well, I proved them wrong! And now, Im gonna pass the news onto Joey and Chandler.
[Scene: Estelle Leonard Theatrical Agency, Joey is there to see his agent.]
Joey: (entering) Hey Estelle, listen
Estelle: Well! Well! Well! Joey Tribbiani! So you came back huh? They think they can do better but they all come crawling back to Estelle!
Joey: What are you talkin about? I never left you! Youve always been my agent!
Joey: Yeah!
Joey: Estelle, you gotta get me some work. I-I lost my health insurance.
Joey: Why?
Joey: Bastard!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler enters to find Joey lying in the fetus position on the floor.]
Joey: (in obvious pain) Hey! So Estelle lined up a bunch of auditions for me tomorrow and Ill have my health insurance back in no time.
Joey: What?!
Joey: Nothing! Well, I-I got this blinding pain in my stomach when I was lifting weights before, then I uh passed out and uh, havent been able to stand up since. But um, I dont think its anything serious.
Joey: No way! Kay look, if I have to go to the doctor for anything its gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach! (Rolls over and shows Chandler.)
Joey: Why did I have to start working out again? (Looks at the weights he was using.) Damn you 15s!
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is reading on the couch while Joey, still suffering from his hernia, is returning with coffee for them both. After a series of grunts and groans he manages to painfully walk back from the counter, sit down, and slide Chandler his coffee.]
Chandler: Hey, will you grab me a cruller? (Joey starts to groan and get up.) Sit down! Will you go to the hospital?!
Joey: Dude! Hernia operations cost like, a lot probably. Besides its getting darker and more painful, that means its healing.
Joey: Thank you, but it would take me forever to pay you that money back and I dont want that hanging over my head. Okay? Besides, as soon as my insurance kicks in I can get all the free operations I want! Yeah, Im thinking Ill probably start with that laser eye surgery too.
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Oh Joeys got a really bad hernia, but thats nothing a little laser eye surgery wont fix!
Joey: Look, Im telling you if I put my hand on my stomach right here (He puts his hand down his pants, like Al Bundy on Married With Children always used to do.) it doesnt hurt that bad.
Joey: Sure, now Im scared.
Joey: Yeah, but I dont wanna die!
[Scene: Casting Director #1s office, Joey is on his first audition. His partner is an 8-year-old boy.]
Joey: (in a gravely, painful voice) Okay. "Hey, Timmy, Ive got a surprise for you."
Joey: Oh yeah, sure, no problem, Ill justhold on one second. (He turns around and puts his hand in his pants and groans in relief.) (In a relaxed voice.) "Hey Timmy, Ive got a surprise for you!"
(Joey pulls his hand out and reverts back to intense pain.)
[Scene: Casting Director #2s office, Joey is on his second audition. This one is for Purina One Dog Chow, an actual item. Please note the gratuitous product placement.]
Joey: So thats why I feed my dog Purina One! Pick up a bag today! (He turns, looks at the bag and realizes he wont be able to pick it up.)
Joey: Exactly.
Joey: Or, I could just point to it! Huh? Blah, blah, blah, Purina One, point to a bag today. (She just looks at him.) I didnt get it, did I?
Joey: Yeah, okay. (Leaves)
[Scene: Casting Director #3s office, Joey is entering.]
Joey: Hi. Im Joey Tribbiani; Im here to audition for (Groans) man.
Joey: Yes!
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey has won the part of dying man and is now able to play the role he was injured for. Chandler is helping to carry him in.]
Joey: (barely audible through the pain) Thank you.
Joey: Yeah! And hey, thanks for coming with me. And thanks again for helping me take a shower.
Joey: (to the director) Hiya!
The Director: Hey Joey, were ready for ya! (Joey stumbles over) Joey, this is Alex hes going to be playing your son.
Joey: Hi Alex! (to the director) And uh, as you can see my hands are not in my pants. (Holds them both up.)
The Director: Okay. (to Alex) All right uh, Alex now when Joey says his line, "Take good care of your Momma son," thats your cue to cry. Got it? (Alex nods yes.) All right, lets do this.
(Joey lies down on the gurney.)
Joey: "Take could care of your Momma son." (Alex just looks at him and the director motions for him to continue so he tries it again.) "Take could care of your Momma son." (Alex does nothing.) "Come on son! Your Mommas good people!"
Joey: Ah, just one thing umm, is it all right with you if I, if I scream right up until you say action?
Joey: Okay. (Starts screaming.)
Joey: (he stops screaming at action) "Take good care of your Momma son." (Again Alex does nothing.)
The Director: Cut!!!!!!!!!! (Joey starts screaming again.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is holding a football helmet; and apparently, in a rather disgusting scene, Joey wants Phoebe to beat him senseless. (Luckily it isnt a long trip.) Because hes made a miraculous recovery from his hernia and wants to take advantage of all those free surgeries he can get now since hes re-established his health insurance.]
Joey: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You just take a big, big swing. Now, dont hold back. (He dons his protective helmet (Why, I have no clue.) and Phoebe picks up a wooden baseball bat and starts to swing as Chandler and Monica enter.)
Joey: Hey-hey-hey!
Phoebe: Were just celebrating that Joey got his health insurance back.
Phoebe: (grins and walks to the kitchen and says to Chandler and Joey.) I helped!
JOEY: [reading over her shoulder] Wait, here's one. Uh, would you be willing to cook naked?
Joey: Because I think this character is going to be suspicious about stuff.
JOEY: Hello.
JOEY: Hey!
JOEY: Oh, that's OK. You uh, you had a thing.
JOEY: Oh, well great.
JOEY: You know what the. . . [sees Chandler on his knees, holding the couch cushions]
JOEY: Hey I- [she cuts him off with a kiss]
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey is sitting between Monica and Phoebe.]
Joey: Look, come on you guys, you said you were gonna try! All right look, I came over here to invite you guys to a movie with me and Janine.
Ross: Thanks. (Joey hugs him) OK.
Joey: You should scream at me, or-or-or curse me, or hit me.
Joey: The fridge broke. I have to eat everything. Cold cuts, ice cream, limesHey, what was in that brown jar?
Joey: Well, given that he's desperately in love with you, he probably wouldn't mind getting a cup of coffee or something.
JOEY: Hey.
JOEY: Wow.
Joey: I'm gonna miss these little guys. It was nice having birds around again.
JOEY: And for Ross, Mr. Sweet-tooth.
JOEY: Yeah, yeah he is. [leaves]
Joey: All right! Now hey, I need to use the bathroom. Since I dont need any assistance in there, take a break!
Joey: Ben, Ben, hey Ben. Nothing. I don't think that's his name.
Joey: Yeah, sorry, the swallowing slowed me down.
JOEY: Eddie.
JOEY: Huh.
JOEY: Well OK then. [oven timer goes off behind Chandler] Was that the oven timer?
(Joey tires of this, so he gets up to leave.)
JOEY: There's my scene, there's my scene. [Joey on tv] "Mrs. Wallace, I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray, your sister's neurosurgeon.
Ross: Joey, Im not worried about her! Im worried about my baby! Whoever she dates my baby dates! Now-now where is this (makes the quote-marks sign) actor taking them?
[Scene: Outside the beach house, Ross is telling Joey and Chandler what happened with Rachel.]
JOEY: Hey, this isn't about juice anymore, alright man.
Joey: (entering) Hey! You guys! Remember that audition I had a while ago and didnt get the part?
Ray: Uh Joey, didnt your agents give you the revised rules? Weve eliminated all of that. No wheel, no cards.
Joey: What, you think I'm gonna tell a girl I like that I'm also seeing a cup?
(Joey starts to leave to embark on his genius moneymaking scheme, but is freaked out slightly when as he goes to open the door, there's a mysterious knock. He calms himself down and opens the door to reveal Phoebe.)
JOEY: Okay.� Great.� I'll see you when you get here.� I'm gonna wait out in the hall in case the dude comes out.
Joey: Hey! No-no-no-no, you cant take him away from me! I got a great partner to pick up girls with! Finally!!
MONICA: Joey.
[Joey finishes his cereal, licks his spoon, and puts it back in the silverware drawer.]
Joey: I'm telling ya... (his eyes open wide and he looks like his eyes are about to pop out. He stares at Ross like this without blinking) I can do it.
MONICA: So uh, Joey and Chanlder, I, I think it's time that you take Dr. Greene over to your place.
Gunther: That guy (points) has been waiting for his coffee for ten minutes! Hes complained about you three times! (He hands the coffee cup to Joey, assuming that Joey will deliver it and walks away.)
MONICA: [looking at some kind of glass sculpture thing] Wow Joey, this is, uhh...
(Cut to Joey's apartment. Joey looks inside the cardboard box that used to be the home of Chick Jr. and Duck Jr., but they have disappeared.)
JOEY: Page 42, page 42, page 42.
Joey: Ross good, I'm uh glad you're here. I wanna talk to you about something.
JOEY: Ooh, I look good.
JOEY: Phoebs, check it out, check it out, check it out, check it out.
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey enters with several magazines and runs up to Phoebe.]
Joey: You know what the Celtics problem is? They let the players run the team.
Rachel: (reading a card) Okay, your band is playing at Arnolds, collect three cool points. Which means, I have five, and that means I get Joeys boxers!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are playing Richard at foosball.]
Joey: (triumphantly) The Unbearable Likeness of Being!
JOEY: Huh? Never really thought about the writers. The scripts just kinda come to my house. But you know what? This makes me look good, which makes the show look good, which makes the writers look good so how could they be mad about that?
Joey: Itll be great for next weekend.
JOEY: OK, we'll just leave, and when we pass her on the stairs, she won't know it's me 'cause we've never met. CHANDLER: That's how radio stars escape stalkers.
JOEY: Man you are incredible.
[Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe enter, confused.]
[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler and Joey are playing foosball for the table.]
Ross: Okay Phoebe, I guess youre next (To Joey) although I really dont see the point.
JOEY: No. No way, I'm not signing that.
Joey: Oh hey, you should be excited about him. Theres nothing wrong with him hes a good guy.
JOEY: Alright, no peeking. No peeking, no peeking, no peeking.
RACHEL: Joey.
[Joey opens the door]
MONICA: Did they just kill off Joey?
Ross: The wheel has not been my friend tonight Joey. Uh, Ill take another question.
JOEY: Hey.
MONICA: Sorry Joey [runs to the bathroom]
JOEY: Phoebe, this was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
JOEY: No, that means nothin to me.
Ross: Alright, ok, let's do it. (Ross sits down at the desk and they all gather around him) Uhm, I know we start by discussing the shortcomings of carbon dating... uhm, and then, then I move on to what is clearly the defining moment of the Mesozoic era, the breakup of Pangea, hello! (Rachel and Joey look confused) And then, there's the... eh... there's the overview of the Triassic.
JOEY: Hey.
Joey: Howd it go?
Joey: Great! Problem solved!
Joey: Hey! I'm getting a little tired of this okay? We said we're sorry. It's Thanksgiving for Pete's sakes! A day of forgiveness!
Joey: And scene! Huh? Wasnt that fun? We did a little improv there. Yeah! Okay! So you-you-you-you were saying?
Joey: Unless you wanna practice the Foxtrot again? Or-or the Tango?
JOEY: No, can we get back to me?
Joey: Alright thanks, Oh hey have you talked to Chandler?
JOEY: Anybody want a croan.
JOEY: So, you're not mad at me for getting fired and everything?
ESTELLE: Joey, look at me, look at me. Do I have lipstick on my teeth?
JOEY: Yeah, that was a tricky one. In reality, that operation takes like, over 10 hours, but they only showed it for 2 minites.
JOEY: I'm sorry. See ya.
Joey: Ok whoah-hey... Let me just stop you right there, ok? First, you lied, right? Then, you lied about lying, ok? Then you lied about lying about lying, ok? So before you lie about lying about lying about lying about... lying... (loses count and begins to count the number of 'lyings' in the air but gives up.) (yelling) Stop lying!
Ross: (crying) I hope youre a better father than youre a friend!! (Cries again and Joey wakes up in horror.)
JOEY: Good, otherwise my watch would fall off. [laughs hysterically]
JOEY: Uhh, cause, uhh, I'm a neurosurgeon and that was clearly a case of, uh, uh, foodal chokage. Alright, look, I got to tell you something.
JOEY: What is it?
[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey and Ross enter.]
JOEY: Oh my God.
JOEY: Ahh.
JOEY: What?
JOEY: So what.
JOEY: Yeah.
CHANDLER: Well don't you see how gross that is? I mean that's like you using my toothbrush. [Joey gets a sheepish look] You used my toothbrush?
JOEY: That's a two line part.
Monica: All right, Chandler get the coats. Erica let's go. Phoebe and Joey, keep packing! Oh my God we're gonna have a baby. All right. We're gonna have a baby! OH MY GOD, WE'RE GONNA HAVE A BABY! Oh God, oh God, I got to sit down, I got to sit down. Ooh! (she's hyperventilating)
Joey: What are you talking about?! I'm the lead in a movie!