words in movies
(She takes the pencil out of Monica's coffee and Monica puts her cup down in disgust.)
[Scene: Chandler's job, Chandler is typing data into his computer, he keeps typing even while taking a drink of coffee with one hand. One of his co-workers walks by.]
Mrs. Tedlock: Yes. Well, Mr. Kostelick wants you to stop by his office at the end of the day.
Chandler: It doesn't matter. I just don't want to be one of those guys that's in his office until twelve o'clock at night worrying about the WENUS.
Phoebe: Hi! (turns back to Chandler, then to Monica) Oh, yeah, no, I know. You're a chef. I know, and I thought of you first, but um, Chandler's the one who needs a job right now, so....
Monica: Well, what kind of food is he looking for?
Monica: So anyway, I'm cooking dinner for him Monday night. You know, kind of like an audition. And Phoebe, he really wants you to be here, which will be great for me because then you can 'ooh' and 'ahh' and make yummy noises.
Ross: Her name is Celia. She's not a bug lady. She's curator of insects at the museum.
Chandler: Eight and a half hours of aptitude tests, intelligence tests, personality tests... and what do I learn? (he taps the results and reads them) "You are ideally suited for a career in data processing for a large multinational corporation."
Monica: (brings a plate of tiny appetizers over) Here you go, maybe this'll cheer you up.
Monica: Oh, I asked one of the waitresses at work if she'd help me out.
Monica: Well... of course I thought of you! But... but...
Monica: But, you see, it's just... this night has to go just perfect, you know? And, well, Wendy's more of a... professional waitress.
Rachel: Oh! I see. And I've sort of been maintaining my amateur status so that I can waitress in the Olympics.
Ross: Shut up! It was nice. I just... I don't think I'm the dirty-talking kind of guy, you know?
Chandler: (on phone) Hey Mr. Kostelic! How's life on the fifteenth floor? (Listens) Yeah, I miss you too. (Listens) Yeah, it's a lot less satisfying to steal pens from your own home, you know? (Listens) Well, that's very generous (Listens) er, but look, this isn't about the money. I need something that's more than a job. I need something I can really care about.... (Listens) And that's on top of the yearly bonus structure you mentioned earlier? (Listens) Look, Al, Al... I'm not playing hardball here, OK? This is not a negotiation, this is a rejection! (Listens) No! No! No, stop saying numbers! I'm telling you, you've got the wrong guy! You've got the wrong guy! (Listens) I'll see you on Monday! (slams the phone down)
Chandler: Look at this! (he opens the curtain to a view of New York City)
Chandler: Yes indeedy! (they look outside) With a beautiful view of...
Chandler: (walks away from window) OK, that's enough of the view. Check this out, look at this. Sit down, sit down.
Monica: You know, Rachel, when you ran out of your wedding, I was there for you. I put a roof over your head, and if that means nothing to you... (Rachel isn't buying it, desperate) twenty dollars an hour.
Phoebe: (overemphasizing) Mmmmmm! Everything smells so delicious! You know, I can't remember a time I smelt such a delicious combination of (Monica signals her to stop) of, OK, smells.
Monica: Yeah, I think we're ready for our first course. (Steve sits, Monica brings over a tray) OK, um, these are rot-shrimp ravioli, and celantro pondou sauce... (Steve starts to eat them one by one, quickly)... with just a touch of mints... and... (he finishes)... ginger.
Steve: Like 'em? I could eat a hundred of them!
Monica: Oh, well... um, that's all there are of these. But in about eight and a half minutes, we'll be serving some delicious onion tartlets.
Steve: Oh, OK. (he drops the box on the floor) Oh, sorry. (When she bends down to pick it up he grabs a package of Gummi-bears from the cabinet.)
Ross: I was the James Michener of dirty talk. It was the most elaborate filth you have ever heard. I mean, there were characters, plot lines, themes, a motif... at one point there were villagers.
Ross: Well, ahem... you know, by the time we'd finished with all the dirty talk, it was kinda late... and we were both kind of exhausted, so uh...
Monica: I promise. Hey, speaking of together, how about we send out a holiday card this year?
Joey: Its pretty, Okay date of birth?
[This starts a series of flashbacks; the first one is from Episode 106: The One With The Butt, Joey is in a play called Freud!.]
Rachel: Well, there is one thing that we havent tried, but someone thinks that, (mimicking Ross) "That will open up a can of worms."
Dr. Baldhara: You're making a big mistake here. I mean, San Diego's all well and good, but if you give him to me, I'll start him off against a blind rabbit and give you twenty percent of the gains.
Phoebe: Oh no, I dont believe in Western medicine. No, if you just apply pressure to these points right here. (Shes pinching the bit of skin between her right thumb and forefinger with her left hand.) Then your hand starts to hurt and you still have a headache, so thanks. (Takes the pills.)
RACHEL: Yes you do. You think of it as your apartment, and I'm just somebody who rents a room.
Joey: (stopping him) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa-whoa! We could have our own show! Y'know we could clap our hands together people will love it! Huh? And-and-and I wrote a song for us! (Singing, to the tune of This Land is Your Land) This hand is your hand! This hand is my hand! Oh wait, that's your hand! No wait, it's my hand!
Rachel: No! No, of course not. No. Thats why I brought it up. (Pause) They didnt have any sodas?
[And with that, we go into another set of clips, this time from Rachels point of view.]
Monica: You got out of the whole Tulsa thing?
Rachel: Yes, of course there is! Okay? I'm not insane!
Rachel: No! It didnt! Thats what I want to talk to you about. (starts to break up) Now, just to brief you (starts to cry) I may cry, but they are not tears of sadness or of anger, but just of me having this discussion with you.
[Cut to the hallway, Chandler is standing in front of his door.]
Rachel: Joey, I think everyone saw the wine come out of your nose.
(Theres a knock on the door. The gang is stunned and Phoebe counts to make sure that everyone is there. Out of curiosity Chandler goes and answers the door.)
Ross: Yeah! Yes! Thank you! This is great. Thank you so much. And I swear, your kid is going to have the time of his life.
Phoebe: I'm out of here (She leaves)
[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler peeks in the door. He doesn't see Eddie so he enters, breathing a sigh of relief. Eddie pops up from behind the bar.]
Joey: (reading) Three down, Days Of Our Lives star blank Tribbiani. Thats me!! Im blank!!
Rachel: Yee. I mean, it was so weirdest thing. They fired me and then out of nowhere they just hire me back! I mean, that place must have been falling apart without me.
[Scene: The Moondance diner, Monica is cleaning up with one of the waiters, with her back turned to him she removes her fake breasts and hides them under her wig.]
Ross: Ooh. What is the name of Chandlers fathers Las Vegas all-male burlesque?
Chandler: Well, you can't just not see Rachel anymore, she's one of your best friends.
Chandler: Yea yea. (Pulls the balloon out of his mouth)
Monica: Ross! That is so sweet of you to get Phoebe that bike! When I heard the story, I almost cried.
Chandler: Of course I will call you. I love you.
Ross: please don't cry because of me pheebs I don't know what I'm talking about, I've been divorced three times.
Chandler: I invented the game of Cups as a way to give Joey money.
Monica:: how do you know I have one of those?
<Everyone is looking around and at Joey with looks of 'what?' on their faces>
Joey: Chandler, she doesn't understand a word of English.
Phoebe: And Joey, get me a bottle of wine and glasses? (He begrudgingly does so.)
Rachel: Now you're probably going to hire one of the people who did not ah, (She puts her hands on his desk blotter and he moves it. Rachel then doesn't know where to put her hands.) who did, who did not umm, yell at you and storm out, and I think that's a big mistake and here's why. I made a huge fool of myself and I came back, that shows courage. When I thought you wanted sex in exchange for this job, I said no. That shows integrity. And, I was not afraid to stand up for myself and that shows courage. (Suddenly realizes that she said courage twice.) Okay umm, now I know I already said courage, but y'know you gotta have courage. And umm, and finally when I thought you were making sexual advances in the workplace, I said no and I was not litigious. {By the way, litigious means to want to litigate and litigate is to make a lawsuit against. So she didn't want to sue him. Don't worry, I had to look it up too.} So there you go, you got, you got (counts them off with her fingers) courage, you got integrity, you got (Pause) courage again, and not litigious. Look Mr
Ross: (he makes some really weird noise hear that sounds kind of like )Ayyyayyyy!
Rachel: Well, let me just check that with what I got here, all right see 038 is not the number for (Ross starts making a lot of noise with a handheld pepper grinder) this store, 038 is Atlanta. And I...(stops and looks at Ross)
Ross: Oh yeah its fine. I guess the more muscles you have the more they can spasim out of control.
Chandler: let ME be a part of this!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica have gathered to hear Ross perform his interpretation of Celebration by Cool and the Gang on the bag pipe.]
Phoebe: (to Ross) Im telling you, if you want to take care of that thing, you should go to my herbal guy.
Ross: Actually, um, I was thinking maybe both of us could go.
Joey: Yeah you see umm, well, I'm an actor. Right? So I gotta keep my emotions right at the surface y'know? See what I'm saying? I gotta lot of balls in the air. (Makes like he's juggling.) Y'know what I mean? It's tough! Guys like me, y'know, you wander around, you're alone
(She makes a big show out of pulling out the cork and pours the wine.)
Joey: That's great. But uh, I'm not really expecting a lot of calls.
Ross: Okay, (gets the money) so, do you make the pizzas in one of those uh, wood-burning ovens?
Phoebe: (smells at him) Chandler, you stink of cigarettes.
Sarah: (approaching with two filled balloons in her hands) Nobody! We put them in here! (Indicates the aforementioned balloons causing both of them to scream in delight and start drinking from the balloons.)
Rachel: Yes! Shes gonna help us take care of the baby! Woo-hoo. (Sees that Ross isnt happy.)
[Scene: Monica's apartment, Chandler walks in with a friend of his while Monica is putting fruit in a bowl.]
Monica: Joey, this is for you. (gives him a jar of jam) It's blackberry curin.
Ross: Oh dude, don't worry about it, I found an unattended maid's car. We're way ahead of the game.
Chandler: No-no-no! I am the king of bad Thanksgivings. You can't just swoop in here with your bad marriage and take that away from me.
Ross: When we first met her, she was soaking, her feet were wet! Who wouldnt be miserable? Im telling you when I got her into a dry pair of shoes, she was a totally different person.
ROSS: C'mon, you know everyone I've been with. All, both of them.
Chandler: Hey, look, this name has been holding me back my entire life. Okay, its probably why kids picked on me in school, and why I never do well with women So, as of 4 oclock tomorrow, Im either gonna be Mark Johnson or John Markson.
Chandler: I dont think this town is big enough for both of us to relax in. (He blows on his hand) Draw!! (He quickly pulls the lever to raise the foot rest, like a gunfighter in a Western.)
Rachel: Oh no! Yes! Of course, I know that! I justI meant yknow are you still a We or are you just You?
Rachel: (entering from her bedroom) All right! Let's get this over with! Ugh! (She walks by the table and notices that no one is looking and accidentally on purpose knocks over the open cereal box.) Ohhh! No! Look what I did! (She starts walking through the mess. {Also, notice the continuity error in this scene. Note the position of the box and dispersal pattern of the cereal before and after the camera cut.}) Oh, I mean, look at this mess! I mean, we're probably gonna have to clean this up! Y'know? We're gonna have to reschedule!
Monica: (gets a pack out of his jacket)
Mr. Treeger: (coming in from the bathroom) Whoa, hey, that ladys all kinds of naked.
Rachel: We got locked out of the apartment, we �
(Monica goes into the bathroom and Phoebe and Rachel breathe a sigh of relief.)
Monica: Hey. (Sits down on the arm of the couch.)
Rachel: Oh wow, eight hours? So you could probably really use one of those plug-in telephone headsets huh?
Rachel: Just washing the windshield. (She turns on the wipers forcing Ross off of the hood.)
Joey: Yeah? I just figured yknow, after living with you itd be an interesting change of pace to have a female roommate, yknow? Someone I can learn from, someone-someone whos different than me. And whats more different than me; a guy whos not 19 than say a girl who is 19? Enh? (Points to his head.) Not just a hat rack my friend!
[Scene: The beach house, the next morning. Ross is passed out on the kitchen counter. He wakes up with a start and has one of the pages of the letter stuck to his face.]
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Phoebes cell phone rings and she goes through her little routine of lighting a cigarette before answering the phone.]
Chandler: No, were just four people with neck problems. You talk like this. (Out of the sides of their mouths.)
Chandler: So.. let me get this straight. So my two friends die, I get Emma. Then my wife dies, then Emma the one tiny ray of hope left in my life gets taken away from me?
RACH: Well, at first it was really intense, you know. And then, oh, god, and then we just sort of sunk into it.
Ross: Boy, we uhm... hadn't really thought of that.
Ross: No, look, uh. You are upset about your father and you're feeling vulnerable and I just don't feel it would be right, I'd feel like I'd be, you know, taking advantage of you.
Chandler: No, I realize that honey, but Im not gonna spend all of the money on one party.
Waiter: (with British accent) Soo, are we expecting the rest of our party shortly?
Rachel: Of course you did Ross, you would date a gorilla if it called you Indiana Jones!
Phoebe: No..umm, could I talk to one of them? Its very very important.
Joey: Hey, whats up? (He has solved the problem of eating the steak, hes eating it with his hands.)
Chandler: Well, instead of just hanging out, we figure wed do nothing.
Phoebe: And a glass of tepid water. (She gathers up all of these things.)
Rachel: What...? Too sensitive to take care of our baby?
Chandler: Alright. Once I got on the subway, right, and it was at night, and I rode it all the way to Brooklyn... just for the hell of it.
Phoebe: Ive never been more convinced of your love for her.
Chandler: As bad as that went I actually enjoyed myself. I think that Im going to apologize for all of the stupid things I do.
Chandler: Okay listen, just give me anything I can make two of.
CHANDLER: So, when I woke up this morning, he'd stolen all the insoles out of my shoes.
Mary Ellen: Wow, you're a lot nicer on 'Days of Our Lives'.
Monica: Ok, I dont wanna be negative so Ill say that most of the signs you bought are good.
Rachel: That was kind of rude!
Joey: (kind of emotional) I am learning so much from you.
Joey: Maybe! (To Bobby) Well! Well so-so uh, what kind of music does Numb NutsOh forget it! I cant!
[Cut to Ross getting of an elevator carrying a bouquet of flowers and walking down the hall to Rachels room.]
Joey: Me too, but I guess I do have a couple of more(his time runs out for real)
Dedicated to the great work of Eric Aasen, Guineapig and many, many more.
Ross walks away with a face of yeah ok.
Monica: She pulled it out of me! Shes like a conversational wizard! Howd it go?
Monica: With good news? (very quickly and wringing hands) Of course it is not good news, you just said (deadpan) "Doctor Connelly just called". If it was good news you would have said (excitedly) "Doctor Connelly just called! " But so what is it? Is there a problem, uh? Is there a problem with me or with you?
Rachel: Well isnt it better that I exchanged it for something that I enjoy and that I can get a lot of use out of?
Joey: Hey. I just saw a woman breast feeding both of her twins at the same time; it is like a freak show up here. (Notices shes wiping her eyes.) Whats the matter?
CHANDLER: Yeah, ah, ah . . .� I'll think of something.