words in movies
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is eating breakfast as Chandler comes out of his bedroom, ripping his coat in the process.]
Chandler: You dont turn and slide, you throw it out! Im tired of having to get a tetanus shot every time I get dressed!
Ross: (reading the newspaper) Hey, heres a question; where did you guys get the finest oak East of the Mississippi?
Chandler: (reading the ad) Stunning entertainment center. Fine, (pause) fine Italian craftsmanship. (Joey is very proud of himself)
Joey: What kind of profit is that?! And you call yourself an accountant.
Phoebe: No, no-no, she was a human lady. This is the spirit of my Mom Lily, the one who killed herself.
Phoebe: No Dr. Skeptismo! Im sure. First of all, okay, theres the feeling. (Chandler shrugs) Okay, and for another, how about the fact that she went into my guitar case which is lined with orange felt. (Rachel nods her head in unsure agreement) My Mothers favourite fish is Orange Roughy... (Joey thinks he understands, but then nods that he has no clue.) Cats....like....fish! (Ross and Rachel are totally lost) (to the cat) Hi, Mommy. (Rachel covers her mouth, in an Oh my God. gesture) Oh, I havent seen this smile in 17 years!
Rachel: I mean why, of all people would you want to go out with Chip?!
Monica: It was a project for one of the Home Ec classes.
Monica: Back then, I thought that I would never, ever get the chance to go out with a Chip Matthews, and now hes-hes called me up and asked me out. And the fat girl inside of me really wants to go. I-I owe her this. I never let her eat.
Ross: So you guys having any luck getting rid of the entertainment center?
Joey: Well, there were a couple of calls last night, but ah, I dont think any of them are gonna work out.
Ross: So, guys, am I crazy, or does Phoebes mom remind anyone of a cat?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are showing a couple of guys (Tony and Peter) the entertainment center.]
Chandler: Y'know what, I think this might be one of the times hes wrong.
Joey: This is the unit for you my friend. Sturdy construction, tons of storage compartments, some big enough to fit a grown man.
Chandler: What the hell happened?!! How were you locked in?!! And where the hell is all of our stuff?!!
(Monica takes a big swig of her martini.)
Joey: (looking through a deck of cards) Aww, man, he took the five of spades!! Oh, no-no-no, here it is!
Phoebe: Okay, then you dont know what it feels like when one of them comes back. Do you? I believe this is my Mother. Even if Im wrong, who cares? Just be a friend. Okay? Be supportive.
Ross: (goes over to Julio) Come here, here, come here, come here, (pause) Mrs. Buffay. Sorry, about what I said, umm, it was, it was insensitive of me to say that you were just a cat. When clearly you are also the reincarnated spirit, of my friends mother.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler have trading the entertainment center for the canoe. Joey is sitting in the bow, staring off into space as to envision his future full of possibilities. Chandler is sitting at the stern, staring into space and is looking at an uncertain future.]
[Rachel hands Monica a plate. Monica takes a spoonful of the whipped cream portion.]
Joey: Oh, come on! Last night I was finishing off a pizza and she said (aping Amy badly) "Uoh oh oh, a moment on the lips, forever on the hips!" I don’t need that kind of talk in my house!
Joey: Thats right I stepped up! Shes my friend and she needed help! And if I had too, Id pee on anyone of you! Only, uhh, I couldnt. I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was too much pressure. So-so I uh, I turned to Chandler.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey and Chandler are giving out their Christmas presents out of a cardboard box from a case of motor oil.]
Chandler: First of all. Bravo. Uh, but I really don't think you're right for this. The part calls for a stuffy college professor.
[They go into the apartment. Inside the apartment it looks like a sewage dump exploded and landed in her living room. There are clothes and food and junk covering every square inch of space. I mean pigs have nicer pens. Ross is completely shocked.]
PHOEBE: Ok, there is no top. That's the beauty of Smelly Cat. Um, why don't you just follow me?
Phoebe: Thats it! 25 percent? That means thats its like 75 percent chance of no baby at all!
Phoebe: Oh my God!! (She grabs Rachels hand and drags her towards Monica.) Excuse me! Excuse me! (Shes knocking women and veils out of the way as she moves.)
Chandler: Okay, it's his first time out, so he's probably gonna wanna do some of the touristy things. I'll go to Cats, you go to the Russian Tea Room.
Ross: Will the owner of a 1995 Buick LeSabre please see the front desk? Your car is about to be towed.
Director: Joey, all the roles got to dance a little. But believe me with your dance background it'll be a piece of cake.
Minister: Friends. Family. We are gathered to celebrate here today the joyous union of Ross and Emily. May the happiness we share with them today be with them always. Now Emily, repeat after me. I, Emily...
Phoebe: Yeah, I can't say that. uhm... Susie, I'm gonna be straight with you... Mike and I are back together... and uhm... unfortunately that effectively ends your relationship with him. And he's very sorry about that and wishes you the best of luck in all your endeavours.
Chandler: Well, Im upsetfor you. I mean, having sex with an endless line of beautiful women must be very unfulfilling for you. (He cant believe he just sad that.)
3rd Customer: The musician right outside the restaurant...it's kind of a mood-killer!
Chandler: (entering) Oh hey Rachel, sweetheart? You have got to tell the post office that you have moved. Okay? We are still getting all your bills and stuff. (Hands her all of her bills and stuff.)
Rachel: Right! But, none of that compared to how kind and-and how gentle and thoughtful he is. (Rubbing his shoulder.)
(Baywatch goes into one of those running scenes.)
Chandler: You know, on second thought, gum would be perfection. (Jill gives him a stick of gum, and a strange look) 'Gum would be perfection'? 'Gum would be perfection.' Could have said 'gum would be nice,' or 'I'll have a stick,' but no, no, no, no. For me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself.
(They kiss to the music of Auld Lang Syne)
JOEY: Well, what about the fact that you insulted the bracelet and you made fun of me?
ROSS: [puts the message in the cupboard] I don't know, I don't get, I don't get it, I mean, wh, wh, two months ago Rachel and I were like, this close. Right now, what, I'm takin messages from guys she, she meets at the movies? I mean this, this Casey should be takin' down my messages, ya know, or, or, Rachel and I should be together and, and we should get some kind of me, message service.
Lecturer: ....oversized bracelets, oversized earrings, oversizing of accessories in general are very popular now.
JOEY: Ah, I was just in the bathroom, and there's mirrors on both sides of you. So when you're in there it's like you're peein' with the Rockettes.
(Chandler nods along and they enter the whirlpool room and remove their robes. Only Chandler is lacking a certain item of clothing. You see this is a coed whirlpool, which means swimsuits, and in fact there are two women already there and Chandler didnt seem to wear his. Needless to say, everyone is shocked, including Chandler.)
Phoebe: That sounds really great, but maybe you should be in charge of wiping.
[Time Lapse, Ross and the woman are now in a state of partial undress and are standing in front of the head librarian with two security guards watching them.]
Monica: Welcome to our side of the tunnel.
(She hangs up, closes her phone, turns around and puts it in her bag which is in the back of the car. While doing this and not looking at the road, she turns the steering wheel by accident, which makes the car swerve.)
Mike: 'Days of Our Lives'! That's why you look so familiar!
Phoebe: Thats easy! You just have to think of him as a-as a jar of pickles that wont open.
Chandler: Listen, it's kind of an emergency. Well, I guess you know that, or we'd be in the predicament room. (The receptionist glares at him.)
Joey: Hey come on now, this is a real date. Uh, so nice place you got here. Foosball, huh? Pizza box. Oh, a subscription to Playboy, my kind of woman.
Monica: Are you kidding? This is where they get out stains! Okay? This is like Disneyland for me. Im-Im gonna be over here watching the dance of the clean shirts. (She points to and walks over to the electric clothes rack they have.)
Rachel: Oh, yeah, yeah. Actually, I got the extended disco version, with three choruses of "You'll never make it on your own".
Chandler: Man, if you tried something like that on my birthday, you'd be starin' at the business end of a hissy fit.
Joey: (to a guy) Bijan for men? (to a guy) Bijan for men? (To a woman) Bijan for... (Sees it's a woman and stops.) (To Annabelle who walks up.) Hey, Annabelle, Uh, listen, I was wondering if maybe after work you and I could go maybe grab a cup of coffee.
Rachel: Its a trifle. Its got all of these layers. First theres a layer of ladyfingers, then a layer of jam, then custard, which I made from scratch. [Joey and Ross make impressed faces] Then raspberries, more ladyfingers, then beef saut�ed with peas and onions, [Joey and Ross look like somethings wrong.] then a little more custard, and then bananas, and then I just put some whipped cream on top!
(The door opens allowing the horde to charge in, knocking Rachel out of the way and to the ground.)
Woman: (to Gunther) Hi. Could I have a pack of Newport Lights, please?
Chandler: Well, my secretary is gonna be out for a couple of weeks. She is having one of her boobs redused. (Ross looks at her.) It's a whole big boob story.
Joey: Okay, all right, this is how its going to work. Were gonna give you hypothetical maid of honor situations and you will be scored on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the highest.
Chandler: That's good one too, Pheebs. Now all you have to do is find a planeload of people who's resolution is to plummet to their deaths.
Rachel: Yeah, totally! You are in such good hands. And I'm so good with meeting parents. With the father, you know, you want to flirt a little bit, but not in a gross way. Just kind of like: "Oh mr. Pincer, I can see where Wallis gets his good looks..."
Ross: Ah Ah Get out of here! (The couple retreats. Ross starts looking through the previously mentioned book as a beautiful woman walks into the section.) Uh, meeting someone? Or-or are you just here to brush up on Marions views on evolution?
Chandler: Hi, my names Chandler. I just moved in next door and I was wondering if you would be interested in battling me in a post-apoplectic world for control of the galaxies last remaining energy source?
Ross: Mona umm Clickclocken. The famous botanist? Huh? Oh no shes uhwell shes dead now. No, supposedly she was once quite the hottie of the plant world.
The Presenter: in the category of Favorite Returning Male Character the nominees are: John Wheeler from General Hospital (Applause), Gavin Grant from The Young and the Restless (Applause), Dunkin Harrington from Passions (Applause), and Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives (Applause). And the Soapie goes to (She opens the envelope) Gavin Grant from The Young and the Restless!
Chandler: Look you dont understand, Gandolf is amazing. Yknow youre never know whats gonna end up happening, you go out for a couple of beers and end up on a fishing boat to Nova Scotia!
Chandler: I know, I know, but youre gonna have plenty of chances. There are literally thousands of women out there just waiting to screw me over.
Phoebe: Yeah! (Motions to her face, indicating all of Rachel's "make-up.")
Monica: (to the waitress) When you get a sec, another round of daiquiris.
Ross: And if you think about it, I mean the reason he memorized all that stuff is because he thought it was important to you. You know, that's the kind of guy Joey is.
[A guy is sitting at his desk and his boss comes in and drops a huge pile of papers on his desk. The guy looks dejected.]
Mr. Waltham: You want a piece of me, sir? Is that what your saying? (Pointing at Jack and poking him) You want a piece of me?
Ross: And-and to years of hard work finally paying off.
Ross: Yeah, y'know the ah, the girlfriend I told you about last night? (Hes frantically throwing the cushions off of the couch looking for her other shoe) Well it turns out she ah, she wants to get back together with me. Oh, I found it!!
Monica: Hey, Rach! I made a pile of your stuff over on this side of the room. If you could just (Rachel grunts and throws her purse at it) throw your purses at it.
Chandler: You know, it's funny. Every time you say "triplets," I immediately think of three hot blonde 19-year olds.
PHOEBE: Okay, ask her 'What is her current method of birth control?'
(She makes a show of bending over to get her coat and showing off her bum. She then walks out, leaving no one to eat her cookie.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Hyper-competitive Monica, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are still playing catch. Monica is finally tiring while the rest of them are totally exhausted and virtually asleep.]
Joey: Say hello to the new champ of Chandler's dumb states game.
Gary Collins: (on TV.) It looks like we have surpassed last year's pledge total! Thank you viewers! The pledge that did it was taken by one of our volunteers (He walks over to where Joey is sitting.) Oh boy! And may I say one of our sharpest dressed volunteers, (Joey stands up.) Mr. Joseph Tribbiani!
Ross: Yes, yes of course, what-what would this be regarding?
Monica: (pinching her) Let's get you out of here!! (they go outside)
Phoebe: Okay, now would you say that thats more than 50 yards away from Sting, his wife, or a member of his family?
Rachel: Well, I think you're forgetting the kinkiest former resident of that room.
Ross: Uh, everyone, this is Chandler! My roommate and lead singer of our band!
Janice: Yeah, um, Im, Im leaving now. (tries to get her leg out of Chandlers grasp, she finally does, but Chandler takes off her shoe.)
Rachel: Well, of course I am! It's not gonna happen to Ross! He's your brother. (To Chandler) He's your old college roommate. Ugh, it was just a matter of time before someone had to leave the group. I just always assumed Phoebe would be the one to go.
Rachel: Well can we see it?! Oh maybe we shouldnt. I mean if she just died this morning out of respect.
Joey: All right, well first of all I would like to say that you both performed very well. Okay? You should be proud of yourselves. And-and I would also like to say that in this competition there are no losers. Well, except for RachelDamnit!
Ross: No-no, this is my collection of fossil samples.
Rachel: Honey, its going to be okay. Hes been incredibly supportive of me, and if he gets a little upset; thats what the meatball sub is for. (She gives Dina a sandwich wrapped in aluminum foil.)
Ross: Oh, and also, hes, hes walkin kind of funny, his left leg is moving a lot faster than his right leg, and hes in there just sort of y'know... (walks around in a circle)
ROSS: Hey, you're a doctor of gums. That's the smallest body part you can major in. It's like day one, floss. Day two, here's your diploma.
Chandler: (starts to recite a rehearsed speech) Monica is a self-sufficient, together lady. (Pause.) Being with her has been like being on a vacation. And what may be perceived as high maintenance is merely attention to detail and(He falters and Monica prompts him.)generosity of spirit.
Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Monica, what're you doin'? This is a poker game. You can't serve food with more than one syllable. It's gotta be like chips, or dip, or pretz...(look of realization)
Bitter lady: (now yelling) Well, you're not gonna get one! Because in life there are no intermissions, people. Chapter 7: Divorce is a 4 letter word. (Now standing right in front of Chandler and bending down almost to his level as if speaking to him, yelling even louder) How could he leave me?!?!
Rachel: No-no, that wasnt me! (To Joshua) Well, we should get started. Let me show you my underwear. (Joshua turns at that) The selection of underwear we carry.
Phoebe: What? Can't you see I'm in the middle of something? Ooh, I like it.
Phoebe: Okay, look at him. Look at those strong hands. Oh what I wouldnt give to be that can of (looks closer to see what Jack is drinking) condensed milk.
Monica: Well umm, I was thinking that maybe we could come up with a system where we trade of being maid of honor for each other. Like hypothetically, if Phoebe were mine
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Only Chandler is there with the videotape in his hands, standing in front of the TV set.]
Chandler: No, 'Slim Pickings', it's a barbecue restaurant. They're looking for a cook. Actually 'cook' may be a bit of a stretch. They're looking for someone to shovel mesquite.
MNCA: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait one minute. Wait a minute. I believe this will change your mind. [Reads from paper] In a mediocre play, Joseph Tribbiana was able to achieve brilliant new levels of... continued on page 153...[turns it] sucking.
ROSS: Well, uh, for your information, there's a woman at the museum, who's curator of moths and other... uh... winged things... who's, uh, let it be known that she is drawn to me much like a... well, you know. But so far I've been keeping her at bay, but, uh, if this is the deal...
Chandler: (holding a pair of furry handcuffs) What the hell is this?
Leader: All right girls, and man. Lets see your final tallies. (all the girls raise their hands) Ohhhh, Debbie, (looks at her form) 321 boxes of cookies, (to Debbie) Very nice.
MONICA: Fortunately, it is me. And, they made me head of purchasing, thank you very much. Anyway, I just ran into Ross and Chandler downstairs, and they think we should go out and celebrate. You know, someplace nice.
Phoebe: And all of the sudden his hands weren't the problem anymore. (The flashback shows Paulo rolling over and showing Phoebe his equipment.)
[Cut to Earls office, who is played by Jason Alexander, George from Seinfeld. They cut back and forth between Phoebes and Earls offices with each of their lines.]
(She throws them into the kitchen and Rachel picks them up with the handle of a large spoon. Chandler and Monica have horrified looks on their faces.)
Richard: We may not have any weapons, but we still have food. In the basement I saw potatoes and some dry pasta, and a few tins of tuna! (Joey backs away and wipes his face again.)
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Phoebe are sitting ignoring each other. Rachel walks up with two pieces of cake.]
MONICA: [reading] 'Dear Dr. Remore, know that I love you and would do anything to have you.' Gosh. 'Your not-so-secretive admirer, Erica Ford.' Ooh wait, 'PS enclosed please find 14 of my eyelashes.'
Monica: Yeah! Roses or Lilies? (Holds up a picture of each.)
Fake Monica: Well, that's just probably 'cause of your Amish background.