words in movies
(Ursula Buffay, Phoebes identical twin sister, is waiting on tables in her inimitable manner.)
Chandler: Its Phoebe! Hi!
(Outside in the street, Joey and Chandler arrive, to peer through the window at Phoebe, by bending down to look underneath the shops signa large steaming cup of coffee.)
Joey: I dont care. Phoebes Phoebe. Ursulas... hot!
Phoebe: Ooh, ooh, fun! Okay... um, Liam Neeson.
Phoebe: Morly Safer.
Phoebe: The woman who cuts my hair!
Phoebe: (Her face dropping) Oh, really.
Phoebe: Rifts. Yeah, I know.
Phoebe: Hmmm? Yeah. So, um, is she fat?
Phoebe: (Turning to Chandler) where were you standing?
Phoebe: Its mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know, I mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know... Oh, oh, she was the first one to start walking, even though I did it... later that same day. But, to my parents, by then it was like "yeah, right, well what else is new?"
Chandler: Yeah, listen. Okay, before you do anything Joey-like, you might wanna run it by err... (he indicates Phoebe, who is helping Ross understand the remote control.)
Phoebe: (Jumping up) Yeah?
Phoebe: Why? Why would you wanna... do that? Why?
Phoebe: Well, I mean, Im not my sisters, you know, whatever, and um... I mean, its true, we were one egg, once, but err, you know, weve grown apart, so, um... I dont know, why not? Okay.
(He happily gestures at Chandler that there was nothing to worry about, then exits. Rachel and Monica are concerned for poor Phoebe, who slides back down next to Ross.)
Phoebe: Yeah Im fine.
(The sitcom begins with its familiar refrain, yet with a Latin lilt. Rachel and Monica do a little dance with their chopsticks, and Phoebe has to grin as Ross joins in the rhythm.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is at the counter, serving coffee to Phoebe.]
Phoebe: Well, what I really want is for my mom to be alive and enjoy it with me.
Phoebe: Ooh! Bath salts would be nice.
(Jamie notices Phoebe sitting at the counter.)
(Phoebe walks by, ignoring the two strangers.)
Phoebe: Yeah?
Phoebe: (Smiling blankly) Right, and its me.
Phoebe: Much as you are.
Phoebe: (Philosophically) Oh, thats good.
Phoebe: Good choice.
(Phoebe turns away so that the two weird women wont see the face she pulls, and sits down.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachels, Phoebe is watching a Spanish version of The Waltons. At a nearby table sit Monica knitting, Rachel winding a ball of wool, and Chandler supplying them both from a skein which is spread between his hands.]
(Phoebe uses the remote to stop the Spanish by turning off the television.)
(The wool-bound trio returns to the table. Rachel has to rush ahead to avoid becoming tangled. Joey brings the shopping bag over to Phoebe, and takes out a nice cardigan.)
Joey: Phoebe, could you do me a favour? Could you try this on? I just wanna make sure it fits.
Phoebe: Ooh, my first birthday present... (delightedly examining the cardigan in her lap) ..oh, this is really...
Phoebe: Ohhh... Sure, yeah... (disgustedly dropping the cardigan back into the bag) ..okay, it fits.
Phoebe: That you like, (snappily confronting Joey over the heads of the knitting circle) we get it. You like her. Great!
Joey: Hey, Phoebe, I asked you, and you said it was okay.
Phoebe: Alright, well, maybe now its not okay.
Phoebe: Okay.
Phoebe: Wherere you going?
Phoebe: With?
Phoebe: Alright, could I just ask you one question?
Phoebe: Have you two, you know... like... you know... you know... yet?
(Phoebe buttons her lip, while the rest of the gang pretend theyre not there.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachels, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Phoebe are sharing a bowl of popcorn, while Monica carefully reads the instruction manual for her television set.]
Phoebe: Alright, so, can we turn this off? Can we just make it... make them go away? Because I cant, I cant watch.
Phoebe: Okay.
Phoebe: Yeah. Its just, you know, its this whole stupid Ursula thing, its...
Phoebe: Um, yeah. Look, I mean, Im not saying shes like evil or anything. She just, you know, shes always breaking my stuff. When I was eight, and I wouldnt let her have my Judy Jetson thermos, so she threw it under the bus. And then, oh, and then there was Randy Brown, who was like... Have you ever had a boyfriend who was like your best friend?
Phoebe: Well, but thats what he was for me. And she you know, kind of stole him away, and then... broke his heart... and then he wouldnt even talk to me any more. Because he said he didnt wanna be around... anything that looked like either one of us.
Phoebe: I mean, I know Joey is not my boyfriend, or my thermos, or anything, but...
Phoebe: Yeah. Okay.
Phoebe: But hes falling in love with her.
Phoebe: Okay... Okay.
Phoebe: Oh, okay, oh.
(Phoebe gets up and walks across the hallway, but the door to Chandler and Joeys apartment is shut. She knocks, and anxiously waits for Joey to come, but instead her identical twin sister emerges wearing one of Joeys shirts.)
(Phoebe reels back in shock, while Ursula defiantly leans against the doorpost as though she owns the place.)
Phoebe: He is! But hes getting divorcedRoss! Maybe you know him.
PHOEBE: Ok, I didn't see it, because I was putting on my jacket, but I uh want to believe you.
(Phoebe enters, walks to the couch, sits down, and begins to read a letter without saying hi.)
Ross: (To Phoebe) Im sorry. Ugh, Pheebs, you were, you were right about her. Yknow, she did try to use sex as a weapon! Yeah, I hurt my back a little.
[Time lapse, Ross and Rachel are talking, Joey is on the couch, and Monica and Phoebe are out of the room.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch staring off into space as Rachel enters.]
(Phoebe opens the box, to find something familiar inside.)
Phoebe: Oh, Ill get it. (goes over to the door.)
Phoebe: Youll have a last kiss.
(Phoebe moves in the dressing room from which Charlie went out)
Phoebe: Okay, let's go running!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Monica enters.]
Phoebe: Yeah, and yknow what? I dont give a tiny rats ass.
Phoebe: Okay, I guess. I mean I dont know, its just, I guess I know its going to be over soon.
Phoebe: (seeing him) Okay, nows not the time Joey. All right? You can yell at me tomorrow.
Phoebe: Okay. And, my, dead, mother, says, you, are, it. I'm with Rachel.
[Phoebe gets up and goes into Rachels old room, a smile on her face.]
Phoebe: Sorry, Im so sorry, I will pay you back.
Rachel: (Into microphone) Central Perk is proud to present Miss Phoebe Buffay.
Monica: All right, Chandler can make boxes, Ross can wrap, and Joey can lift things. Now Phoebe, go tell the guys they have to help out!
Phoebe: (taking his coffee) Okay, whatever you say. But just be careful, all right? Rachels not in the same place you are.
[Scene: A Street: Monica and Phoebe are walking to a newsstand.]
Phoebe: Ohh!! God! (Gary enters and she sees him) Ooh! (To Chandler) Get out of here, good for nothing.
Dr. Green: Who is the father? Oh no! Please dont tell me its her! (Points at Phoebe.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Phoebe, and Ross are there eating pizza as Rachel enters.]
Phoebe: I have to tie my shoe, so you go ahead, I'll catch up.
Phoebe: I dunno, well he got over the "We were on a break" thing really quickly.
Phoebe: They were threefold.
Phoebe: Yeah, she turned you into this-this-this untrusting, crazy, jealous, sycophant. (They all look at her.) All right, so I dont know what sycophant means, but the rest is right.
Phoebe: Come on, Mom, Ill take you home.
Monica: (to Phoebe) You start working on that list. (She grabs her coat and leaves, too.)
Phoebe: Yeah, because you know what, it's... it's all about the children.
[Cut to Monica's bedroom, theyre all eating the wax, Chandler and Phoebe, dont like it. Joey tries some and makes a face like: Hey, thats not so bad.]
Phoebe: Well, how-how-how is that possible? You barely know her!
Phoebe: Oh, not anymore. I changed it today.
Phoebe: Oh, Paolo, hi, what are you doing here?
Chandler: (disgusted) Oh come on! (To Phoebe) Are you listening to this?
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Rob are sitting on the couch.]
[Scene: A Jewelry Shop, Chandler and Phoebe are looking at engagement rings.]
Phoebe: No, its just that he got this new like home theater dealie, and he wants y'know, us to check it out.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey are there, Joey is on the phone.]
Phoebe: Uh, it's a piece of paper and it says, "Ross" on it.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are entering. Phoebe and Joey are sitting on the couch.]
Phoebe: (gasps) Oh my God! I know who the father is (She walks into Monica and Chandlers.)
PHOEBE: Hey.� I'll be right back.� I've got to go to the bathroom.� (She rises and exits.)
PHOEBE: Chicken. Which is so ironic considering I'm a vegetarian.
Phoebe: Joey, why did you set me up with a stranger?
(Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe back their chairs away from the table.)
Phoebe: Ooh, yknow what, I think its time for puppy to go out again. Come on, lets go to the balcony.
Phoebe: Come on you guys, let's just do our own Thanksgiving.
PHOEBE: Now OK, I haven't seen it yet so, if you don't like it, well, so what, none of you ever made a video. [puts the tape in] OK.
Phoebe: Youre right, that was wrong. Im sorry. Im so sorry. Its just that I liked you so much. Can we just, can we just start over?
Phoebe: Yeah, um, I cant fly. Im having my brothers babies.
Phoebe: Rachel? Oh, good. Hey, by the way, did you just get on the plane?
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, no, I dont, I dont know. But, y'know what, maybe its just all for the best?
Phoebe: Or, or, y'know, um, 'I think we should see other people' means 'Ha, ha, I already am'.
Phoebe: Hey. Ooh! Dont sit down!
Phoebe: (screaming, angrily) ...DUMB, DRUNKEN, BITCH!!! (applause) (happily) Thank you, thanks.
Ross: Phoebe, 800 is toll free, 801 is-is Utah.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there, yelling at Joey.]
Phoebe: Umm, okay, okay, look. I took this picture from your fridge. Okay, because I know that this is my Father. Yeah, this is Frank Buffay and you are standing right there next to him. Now, look I deserve to know where I came from. All right? So if you can help me find my Father then you should! Otherwise, youre just mean! (pause) So, just tell me the truth!
Phoebe: No. (Pause) Oh wait yes! I do, I do have one question. What is toner?
Chandler: (to Phoebe) It's like a giant hug.
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are at the couch.]
Phoebe Sr: Oh no, I-Im sorry, I guess we lost track of everybody after high school.
Phoebe: Okay, doctor says any minute now.
Phoebe: No. 'Cause you need that. No, it's okay, thanks.
PHOEBE: Oh, c'mon, like you tell me everything.
Phoebe: (sets the cup down) Oh! (Grabs her stomach in pain.)
Phoebe: What? (the guys keep laughing.) What? You guys, what is going on? You not like Robert? (the guys keep laughing.) Why are you laughing?!
Phoebe: I can't, I have to take my grandmother to the vet.
Phoebe: Oh, its bad. Its really bad. The only thing in there that isnt burned is an ass. Which I do not remember buying!
(Phoebe turns to Rachel and mimes remove a lid of a jar. Ross enters and Paul motions for Rachel to leave with him now.)
Phoebe: Okayyyyy, open up!
Ross: Phoebe, oh my God! Wh-wh-what are you doing here?
Monica: What, Phoebe, did you whip the potatoes? Ross needs lumps!
Phoebe: Oh my God! Well the idea of a woman flirting with a-with a single man, we-we must alert the church elders!
Phoebe: Oh! Ooh! Oh, I didnt know that you did pot.
[Scene: Earls Office, Earl has his head in his hands as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: All rightOoh! Oh dead God, save me!
Monica: We think if you saw it, you'd understand. I mean you guys were there. (Points to Rachel and Phoebe) It is beautiful, isn't it?
Phoebe: Okay. All right. (Hands her the phone.) Good luck explaining all the calls to China.
Phoebe: Okay, I knew I should have had this conversation with Joey.
Phoebe: No! No! Its just that he gave me three tickets and there are six of us!
Phoebe: (interrupts her, to Monica) Shh, wait and see. Maybe we will, maybe we won't.
Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey: No, I wasnt gonna ask you that, no.
Phoebe: Ewww! And "Oh no!" Itsthey just want me to be the surrogate. Its her-its her egg and her sperm, and Im-Im just the oven, its totally their bun.
Phoebe: No, no, no, I wouldnt do you myself, I mean that would be weird. Yeah, no, Ill get one of the other girls to do it. Oh, this will be so much fun! Hey! Are you excited?
Phoebe: Oh, is that who the monkey's named after?
Phoebe: I understand. Yeah. Ok so then ok, so we're both living in New York, not seeing anyone. That's so not like us!
Ross: Oh God, thank you! (Runs and gives all of them a group hug.) Umm, uh, Mr. Stevens Id like you to meet my friends uh, this is Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler.
Chandler and Phoebe: Yes! You mean the world the world to me. Oh...
Phoebe: Okay. (they start to leave, he is still following her) Okay, you don't have to walk behind me any more.
Phoebe: Oh, that is so unfortunate.
Phoebe: Ok. What are you gonna be doing today?
Phoebe: Hey, Joey! Hey! Ooh! Ooh! I just say someone on thethat looks just like you on the subway. And I was gonna go over and say hi! but then I figured, he doesnt care if he looks like you.
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, he talked to her, but she got on the plane anyway.
Phoebe: A little. (She turns around and looks up.) (To the universe) Now youre talking.
Phoebe: Okay, yeah, I'll see you later! Don't forget about the moving in!
Phoebe: How can you let him talk to your crotch like that?