words in movies
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Phoebe: Ohh thats so sweet! (Her cell phone rings.) Oh! Hang on! (Quickly grabs a cigarette and starts to light it as her phone rings.) Hang onnnnnn!!! (Gets the cigarette lighted and answers the phone.) (On phone.) Go!! No! No-no! I said sell when it hits 50! 5-0, its a number! It comes after 4-9!! No, its okay. Its okay, youre allowed one mistake. Just kidding, you are of course fired.
Phoebe: Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! (Answering the phone.) Go!! Whos this? (Listens) Oh okay, youre gonna like working for me. Whats your name? (Listens) What kind of name is Brendy? I Whatever Stop talking! All right, from now on your name is Joan. You can pick your own last name.
Monica: Youre his bitch.
Chandler: I always thought having a heart attack was natures way of telling you to die! (Phoebe glares at him.) But youre not gonna die. I mean, you are going to die, but youre not gonna die today. I wish I was dead.
Phoebe: Yeah! Or too, you could be two stockbrokers and youre-youre-youre rolling around naked on the trading floor and everybodys watching! (Ross looks at her.) It never happened.
Joey: (To Chandler) Okay look, Chandler, if this (Motions back and forth indicating the arrangement.) you have got to listen! (Tugs on his ear.) (Chandler glares at him.) Youre gonna throw that juice at me, arent ya?
Monica: Oh my God! Thats great! Oh wow! (Hugs him.) Youre a published writer! I wish I had a present for you!
Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey Chandler look, I know youre mad, but I just want to say Im sorry. I-I was a total jerk. Completely o-over the line. Uh, I just I hate pulp! Yknow? I mean, yknow how Monica feels about low fat mayonnaise?
Monica: Well, youre not.
Rachel: Oh, its so easy for you I mean, youre not married, you get to have sex with who ever you want!
Rachel: Oh my God! Youre a 30 year old virgin!
Phoebe: Okay! Okay! (Puts it out and comes out of the bathroom.) Im so glad youre here.
Dr. Drake Remoray: Thats right Wesley! I just stopped by to say that, youre not a real doctor! And that womans brain, is fine!
Dr. Drake Remoray: Youre not dying Hope, youre gonna live a long, healthy life. With me.
Joey: Pretty cool, huh? But if youre thinking you can put a fish in there and it wouldnt get sucked up into the mechanism, well youd be wrong.
Monica: I hope youre hungry, were starting with oysters. And yknow what they say about oysters, dont you?
Monica: And then were gonna have a little Middle Eastern cous-cous. Something we can eat, with our hands.
Ross: Were really gonna do this, huh?
Chandler: Im sorry youre here with me instead of Roger.
Rachel: Joey, youre such an amazing actor! (He smiles.) How do you know where Dr. Drake Remoray leaves off and Joey Tribbiani begins?
Monica: Yeah but see I have nothing to compare it too. So even if youre horrible, how would I know?
Chandler: Stop it! Were doing this! Lets do it!
Ross: Look at you! Youre up!
Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Youre not gonna use the pay phone to call work, are ya?
Joey: (not quite sure of how to answer that) Well uh, look Ross I uh, I think Carols great and Im sure youre a very attractive man, but I .
Joey: Huh. But still Ross, youre worst day with two women, pretty much better than any other day! Yknow what I mean?
Chandler: Oh. Oh right! Right! Because youre still seeing him and uh, hes a good guy. I mean, I remember a time when (He fakes falling asleep.)
Monica: Yknow, I dont have an appointment, but I sure could use a physical. (He laughs halfheartedly) Are you sure youre okay?
Phoebe: Youre in my office! Look, I have made a lot of cash for this company! Okay? I am talking big bucks! Pesos! Yen! Rubles! You make one little mistake
Rachel: Me? Im great! Im fine! Im sooo good!! But, you know whos not great?! Men! Youre a man right Ross?!
Rachel: Let me uh, let me ask you something, do wedding vows mean squat to you people?! And why is it that the second we tell you were going out of town, bamn there you are in bed with the neighbors dog walker?!
Ross: Were sorry.
Joanna: Sophie, get in here! (Sophie enters) You see! Now youre making Sophie uncomfortable!
Joey: Yeah, come on, think about it. Youre 18, okay, shes 44, when youre 36, shes gonna be 88.
Rachel: Tommys supposed to be here soon, were going to lunch.
Rachel: Well were gonna miss you around here.
Phoebe: And youre so sweet. (kisses him on the other cheek) And youre kind (kisses him on the lips)
Joey: Ross! (Laughs) Theyre gonna kill you!
Joey: I totally dont know what youre talking about.
Passenger: You say you love this man, yet youre about to ruin the happiest day of his life. Im afraid I have to agree with you friend Pheebs.. This is a..this is a...terrible, terrible plan.
Ross: Y'know if we ever go to war and youre captured, youre in for a big surprise.
Ross: Well, Im sorry, but ah, look if youre not working with him anymore, why do you have to still do stuff with him?
Kate: Oh, youre sweet and cute.
Rachel: What? Youre leaving?!
Joey: Look, were not throwing it out! I built this thing with my own hands!
Monica: I think youre done.
Joey: Hey! Youre here! Great! Great! Great! Lets get going buddy, weve got a scene to shoot!
Ross: Good! Me neither! So its not a problem. Were just two friends who happen to be roommates.
Ross: Hey, youre right.
Rachel: Theyre not true?
Monica: Youre so pathetic! Why cant you just accept it, were winning because Im better than you.
Rachel: Joey, youre gonna have to stop rushing me, you know what? You dont get any dessert.
Phoebe: (to Monica) Then why are you answering? Do you at least know what route were on?
Ross: (to the rest of the gang) Were just gonna be friends.
Rachel: Yeah, when were in the audience he doesnt talk to us, but he does wave.
[Flashback to the gang in Central Perk in The One Where Nana Dies Twice, theyre all going through an old photo album.]
Monica: Oh, youre totally welcome! Whatd she say?
Monica: It is not over! Youre over!
Rachel: Well Thats yknowThatsWeve been alone for the last twenty minutes were doing okay. Besides yknow what? I-IMaybe we wont be alone, cause lately I-Ithings have been happening between me and Ross, yknow? Right before I went into labor, we-we had this kiss. Yknow? So it might be the the beginning of something.
Phoebe: And! And, theyre gonna have a baby! (The gang is shocked.) And! And, they want me to grow it for them in my uterus. (The gang is stunned into silence.)
Joey: I think youre right.
Monica: Does Ralph mumble when youre not paying attention?
Rachel: (laughs) Okay. All right, stand up. (They do so.) Well, when were at the door, I lightly press my lips against his, and then move into his body just for a second, and then I make this sound, "Hmmm." Okay, I know it doesnt sound like anything, but I swear it works.
Director: Alright were back! Ten seconds left here we go! Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! (He continues to count as we hear Joey think)
Joey: So, youre just Bing?
Ross: So! Poetry? Susans gay! Theyre being gay together!
Chandler: Hi! Hi! Youre crazy! Okay? This is Emily. Emily is straight.
Phoebe: Youre actually going through with this?
Joey: Days Of Our Lives. Anyway, youre not gonna believe it! My character is coming out of his coma!!
Monica: Im sick of Japanese. Were not going there.
Monica: Yeah, what, do you think were stupid?
Monica: No, you messed it up. Youre stupid.
Joshua: Yeah, theyre out of town.
Monica: Theyre green?
Rachel: What? Shut up! Were winning!
Ross: And youre afraid you wont be able to fill his shoes.
Ross: Yes! Were getting married?!
Emily: Were getting married!
Monica: No, were not! Were not leaving!
The Singing Man: Hey! Youre back!
Joey: Listen, drama critics theyre nothing but, but people who couldnt make it as actors. You know what you should do?
Rachel: Oh my God. I cannot keep having this same fight over and over again, Ross, no, youre, youre, youre making this too hard.
Phoebe: Youre the most beautiful bride Ive ever seen.
Phoebe: (seeing her dress) Oh God. So-so youre making porn movies.
Joey: No thats not what I was going to say at all. No, what I was going to say is when youre 90 youll still have the memory of what it was like to be with a 20-year-old.
Phoebe: All right, stop it. Now youre just doing it to freak me out.
Joey: Yeah, Rach, I think youre handling that really well.
Chandler: Oh, so thats this is gonna work now? Youre just gonna order me around all the time?
Emily: Yeah, theyre fine.
Joey: That would be Casey. Were going out tonight.
Ross: Hey, youre right.
Monica: Were hanging out.
Monica: Rach, youre gonna come though arent you?
Rachel: Yeah! Im gonna have a boyfriend, youre gonna have a girlfriend
Joey: Your thumb? Thats weird. (Makes a fist.) You sure youre punching right? Make a fist. (Ross just looks at him with his thumb in a cast.) Maybe later. Ross I feel terrible.
Phoebe: (to Chandler and Monica) You guys, what, what do we do about Ross who drove all the way up here? What do we do? Just like send him back and were then gonna go skiing?
Ross: Y'know, hey! Youre the one who ended it, remember?
Ross: 11, unbelievable 11 is correct. (The guys celebrate.) All right, thats 4 for the guys. Ladies, youre up.
Rachel: Well, youre lucky you never met that bitch Sharon Majesky. Anyway, umm The rest of you life, yknow? Any regrets?
Chandler: Youre a genius!
Monica: Whoa whoa whoa! Wherere you goin?
Joey: Oh. Maybe. But hey I know how I can find out. Were going to a New Years Eve party, right? So at midnight, I can kiss her. And if she kisses me back, great! Yknow? But if she says Dude, what the hell are you doing? I can say It wasnt me, it was New Years!
Chandler: Well, youre gonna have to leave sometime, because you both have jobs, and as soon as you do, were switching it back! Theres nothing you can do to stop us! Right, Joe?
Phoebe: Well, youre just gonna have to try.
[Scene: A Restaurant, Joey is on his hot date and theyre not speaking right now.]
Chandler: And now youre giving me the message!
Mr. Treeger:: No! Youre clogging up the chute that I spent a half-hour unclogging!
Ross: Aw, yknow Yknow, maybe were-were just approaching this all wrong. If youre Chandler and-and you wanna hide, where is the last place on Earth people would think youd go?
Rachel: (crying) No. I cant, youre a totally different person to me now. I used to think of you as somebody that would never, ever hurt me, ever. God, and now I just cant stop picturing with her, I cant, (Ross stands up and backs away) it doesnt matter what you say, or what you do, Ross. Its just changed, everything. Forever.
Rachel: Wait a minute, youre only giving free stuff away to the pretty girls?
Monica: Wow, youre really crazy about her, huh?
Monica: (entering) Oh good youre all here. Thanksgiving tomorrow, four oclock. (To Rachel) Oh, guess who I invited. Remember that guy Will Colbert from high school?
Monica: (Remotely turning off the television) okay, Pheebs, theyre gone.
Monica: All right, youre hired!
Monica: Because they dont know were dating. (Again, trying to quickly change subjects.) Do you think we should eat in the kitchen? (Goes to the sink and the stove to cook.)
Chandler: Okay. Listen-listen, were not gonna have to walk this way the entire time are we?
Joey: Youre really thinking about having sex with your brother?!
The Director: You guys make me fly! High! Okay, were gonna pick it up here, tomorrow.
Phoebe: What?! What do you mean youre going to London?
Billy: Like when you go bowling and you know youre in somebody elses shoes?
Ross: I mean, theres no point in spending time with someone if-if its just fun. Its gotta be, its gotta be going somewhere right? So where-where is it going? (Pause) Ah! Thats-thats the real question. And-and the answer is is its going somewhere fun. Now I-I know what youre thinking, fun was fine for you like ten years ago yknow, but youre-youre not getting any younger. No I meanNo not you, not you, youyou are getting younger. I meanyou-you look like youre getting younger by the secondWhats your secret?
Director: (To Cameraman) Make sure you get this, theyre gonna want it for the bloopers show. (To everyone) Alright cut! Listen up everyone, when we start again its gonna be the countdown to new years, so I wanna see everybodys excitement.
Rachel: Oh wow! What now Ross youre not gonna talk? How on earth will you ever annoy me? Oh wait a minute, I know. (Mimics his breathing.) I mean youd think the damn jalepeno wouldve cleared up your sinuses, but no!! Thats not enough (Ross jumps over and kisses her.) What are you doing?!
Joey: No, was my best friend. Anyway, I dont know why youre pushing for him so hard. With him out of the way as my best friend, theres a spot open.
Joey: Oh whoa-whoa-whoa, no roommate stuff. Okay? Were on a date.
David: Uh no, I have to go in a few hours. I have to be on the red-eye. Well listen, yknow, next time youre in Minsk umm
Chandler: (pause) No, were still together. Yeah we went out for two summers, and then I broke up with her.
Ross: Rach, I-I cant tell you how-how much that means to me! Ohh Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You-you hated the name Ruth! Why-why would you change your mind? Unless, you know were never going to have to use it. You did see the folder. You know its a boy!
Chandler: Yeah, were gonna go.
Monica: And youre cute too.
[Cut to Monica and Rachels, theyre all there playing cards.]
Rachel: Oh, okay, were going. Yeah.