words in movies
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Phoebe: Ohh thats so sweet! (Her cell phone rings.) Oh! Hang on! (Quickly grabs a cigarette and starts to light it as her phone rings.) Hang onnnnnn!!! (Gets the cigarette lighted and answers the phone.) (On phone.) Go!! No! No-no! I said sell when it hits 50! 5-0, its a number! It comes after 4-9!! No, its okay. Its okay, youre allowed one mistake. Just kidding, you are of course fired.
Phoebe: Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! (Answering the phone.) Go!! Whos this? (Listens) Oh okay, youre gonna like working for me. Whats your name? (Listens) What kind of name is Brendy? I Whatever Stop talking! All right, from now on your name is Joan. You can pick your own last name.
Monica: Youre his bitch.
Chandler: I always thought having a heart attack was natures way of telling you to die! (Phoebe glares at him.) But youre not gonna die. I mean, you are going to die, but youre not gonna die today. I wish I was dead.
Phoebe: Yeah! Or too, you could be two stockbrokers and youre-youre-youre rolling around naked on the trading floor and everybodys watching! (Ross looks at her.) It never happened.
Joey: (To Chandler) Okay look, Chandler, if this (Motions back and forth indicating the arrangement.) you have got to listen! (Tugs on his ear.) (Chandler glares at him.) Youre gonna throw that juice at me, arent ya?
Monica: Oh my God! Thats great! Oh wow! (Hugs him.) Youre a published writer! I wish I had a present for you!
Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey Chandler look, I know youre mad, but I just want to say Im sorry. I-I was a total jerk. Completely o-over the line. Uh, I just I hate pulp! Yknow? I mean, yknow how Monica feels about low fat mayonnaise?
Monica: Well, youre not.
Rachel: Oh, its so easy for you I mean, youre not married, you get to have sex with who ever you want!
Rachel: Oh my God! Youre a 30 year old virgin!
Phoebe: Okay! Okay! (Puts it out and comes out of the bathroom.) Im so glad youre here.
Dr. Drake Remoray: Thats right Wesley! I just stopped by to say that, youre not a real doctor! And that womans brain, is fine!
Dr. Drake Remoray: Youre not dying Hope, youre gonna live a long, healthy life. With me.
Joey: Pretty cool, huh? But if youre thinking you can put a fish in there and it wouldnt get sucked up into the mechanism, well youd be wrong.
Monica: I hope youre hungry, were starting with oysters. And yknow what they say about oysters, dont you?
Monica: And then were gonna have a little Middle Eastern cous-cous. Something we can eat, with our hands.
Ross: Were really gonna do this, huh?
Chandler: Im sorry youre here with me instead of Roger.
Rachel: Joey, youre such an amazing actor! (He smiles.) How do you know where Dr. Drake Remoray leaves off and Joey Tribbiani begins?
Monica: Yeah but see I have nothing to compare it too. So even if youre horrible, how would I know?
Chandler: Stop it! Were doing this! Lets do it!
Ross: Look at you! Youre up!
Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Youre not gonna use the pay phone to call work, are ya?
Joey: (not quite sure of how to answer that) Well uh, look Ross I uh, I think Carols great and Im sure youre a very attractive man, but I .
Joey: Huh. But still Ross, youre worst day with two women, pretty much better than any other day! Yknow what I mean?
Chandler: Oh. Oh right! Right! Because youre still seeing him and uh, hes a good guy. I mean, I remember a time when (He fakes falling asleep.)
Monica: Yknow, I dont have an appointment, but I sure could use a physical. (He laughs halfheartedly) Are you sure youre okay?
Phoebe: Youre in my office! Look, I have made a lot of cash for this company! Okay? I am talking big bucks! Pesos! Yen! Rubles! You make one little mistake
Rachel: Me? Im great! Im fine! Im sooo good!! But, you know whos not great?! Men! Youre a man right Ross?!
Rachel: Let me uh, let me ask you something, do wedding vows mean squat to you people?! And why is it that the second we tell you were going out of town, bamn there you are in bed with the neighbors dog walker?!
Ross: Were sorry.
Phoebe: Oh hey hi, hes doing it. Hes breaking down the door. (The chair breaks in half.) Okay, were in. (She hangs up the phone.)
Monica: All right, listen youre just being silly. Rachel, even with that rumor you were one of the most popular girls in school and everyone wanted to be like you. One girl wanted to be like you so much she stuffed her pants with a Tootsie Roll!
Chandler: Jeez, relax! Its not like were mar-ah-ah!! (Runs out.)
[Scene: The beach house, its still raining. Chandler is building a sand castle, Rachel is doing Monicas nails, and theyre all drinking margaritas, obviously bored.]
Will: I actually know what youre talking about. Im here to tell you something my friend, you can eat and eat and eat but nothing will ever fill that void.
Rachel: Yeah, you got like 14 hours until she has to be at the airport, and youre sitting here in the hallway with a 28-year-old cheerleader with a fat lip.
Ross: Thats funny. Yeah. Yknow youre the funniest man here in a pink bunny costume his wife made him wear.
Mr. Douglas: Youre kidding? She seems so...
Man: Yeah. Me. (The elevator door opens.) Oh hey, thats me. (Rolls onto the elevator.) Hey uh, I take it youre just visiting someone.
Joey: Hey Chandler. Come on in. Were knitting pot holders.
Chandler: Theyre in my bag over there. (Points.)
Paul: Im so happy that youre here.
Monica: We’re waiting for the adoption lady, but, hey, I’m glad you’re here. I was cleaning this morning and I found this (she puts a box on the table and opens it). I don’t know if you wanna use it, but…
Eric: Come in, Im so glad youre here.
Monica: Well Joey, were all were all very proud of you.
Phoebe: Yeah. (She notices some guy putting a coat on his girlfriend is trying to remember where hes seen her before.) (To him) Youre trying to figure out where you know me from? All right, Ill give you a hint. From porn! Okay? (He tries to rush his girlfriend out.) Yeah your pervert boyfriend watched me in a porno movie! (To Joey) See?
Phoebe: No! Rachel, thats what they want me to do. My warranty expires tomorrow, if I dont get through, theyre not gonna fix my crappy, broken phone for free! We cannot let them win! Its us versus them!
Lecturer: Were beginning to see a lot of layering of sheer fabrics and colours. For instance a sheer navy blouse over a pink....
Chandler: So is your apron. Youre wearing it like a cape.
Phoebe: (entering carrying a case) Ooh, good, youre hear! Okay.
Chandler: Ross! You gotta stop! Okay?! You cant just stare through the peep hole for three hours! Youre gonna get peep eye!
Joey: Hey-hey, youre startin to sound like the butchers wife there in-in chapter seven.
Rachel: No, not really. Youre pressing the baby into my bladder and now I have to pee. Sorry. (She gets up and starts for the bathroom.)
Joey: Oh okay, okay! One more push! One more push! Come on honey, were almost there! Were almost there!
Phoebe: Excuse me, anniversary. Excuse me, anniversary. (looking at her ticket). Uhm, sir, could you move your nachos... they’re in my seat. It's my anniversary. (to Mike) Here we are! (Mike nods). Can’t believe it's been a whole year!
Phoebe: Of course not, because youre in love with her.
Monica: Youre getting a crush on your sisters fianc�e.
The Vendor: (looks around) Theyre all tourists.
Rachel: No! Joey, oh youre so sweet. Youre so-so sweet, honey. But Im not, Im not looking for a husband.
Amy: We’re gonna be roomies! (she snaps her finger and points at Joey, snaps her fingers again and points to the bags) Come on!
Joey: Come on, you guys are more then that! I mean, youre gonna get together right?
Mark: Ive kinda of had this ah, this crush on you. (Rachel is shocked) But since you were with Ross, I-I didnt do anything about it. But, now that youre not, Id really like to ask you out sometime. So-so thats-thats what Im doing, now.
Chandler: Hey, relax I just need more time. Were going to dinner tonight.
Phoebe: Nuh-uh! Theyre maternity pants. They even came with a list of baby names. (Pulls out a sheet of paper which lists whos been naughty and whos been nice.) See, these names are good, and these names are bad. (Finally, she figures it out.) Ohh.
Ross: I mean youre not gonna give me a-a ticket for driving too slow are ya?
Ross: Well then well-well see you the day after tomorrow. (Walks away slowly, but notices something.) Mom?! Dad?! (Theyre sitting by the window.) What-what what you guys doing here?!
The Fan: I have no idea what youre talking about. But I, but I just got Phoebe Buffays autograph!
Monica: I know youre planning my surprise bridal shower.
Joey: Listen also were uh, were watching the game here Saturday night, if people want to come over.
Rachel: Oh, you’re not gonna believe what happened to me today! Ralph Lauren called, and gave me my job back!
Rachel: You think youre gonna get out of this on a technicality?
Joey: Well, were fashioning a very long poking device.
The Salesman: Actually, Im not buying. Im selling. Let me ask you one question. Do your friends ever have a conversation and you just nod along even though youre not really sure what theyre talking about?
Joey: Uh Rach, if youre gonna start another story, at least let me finish mine.
Chandler: I think its great. Its great. Yknow, theyre thinking of changing the name of this place.
Mona: And the antennae Oh my God youre Spudnik!
Joey: All right, youre probably not gonna want to hear this but ah, if it was me, and this is just me, (Chandler gets ready to throw another dart) I would ah, I would bow out.
Joey: What theyre not invited?! Oh no, thats terrible! Theyre gonna be crushed!
Monica: (standing outside) Cute PJs! Youre really livin it up here in London huh?
Ross: You know what, its, its better this way anyway. I mean I dont know what I was thinking, going down that road again with us. Its just much easier if were just friends who have a kid.
Joey: (to the dog) Cmere. Hey. Cmere. Thats Rachel. Shes the one who used to live here. Might as well be honest with youwe love her. But we cant have her. I really miss her. Well, hey, you understand, right? Youre a guy. (thinks about it and picks up the dog and looks) Well, you used to be.
[Later, Phoebe is on the phone, theyre all still trapped in Monicas bedroom.]
Monica: Wow. Yknow it is so weird. I mean, youre gonna tell this guy today and he has no idea whats gonna happen.
Parker: Were driving!?
Monica: Oh sure, now you�re Mister Sensitivity. But when you wanted to have sex right after my uncle�s funeral
Monica: And people will think you own a Porsche because youre wearing the clothes?
Monica: Did you not hear where my head was? Come on! Come on were a team! Were in this together!
Ross: What? Come on Rach, tell me what youre thinking?
Joey: I thought I did! Oh hey guess what? The premiere is next week and youre all invited! (They all gasp.)
Rachel: Oh thats right. Youre the talker. (They both reflect on that briefly) Anyway uh, great idea! Umm, I gotta go to the store; I told him that I would buy him some more tissues.
Chandler: (handing Monica the wax) Wax the door shut, were never leaving, ever.
Rachel: (reading what he wrote again) "Dear Rach, youre a great person. Sorry about your tiney-wienie." (Will laughs.)
Phoebe: Theyre gonna get through this, arent they?
Phoebe: Well look, you dont really like the one from uptown and youre too exhausted from dating the one up in Poughkeepsie, so I say you just end them both. Okay? You take a train up to Poughkeepsie and break up with her, and on your way back you break up with uptown. And then by the time you get home tonight, youre done!
Monica: Oh my God. Youre even dumber than I am!
Chandler: Yes, but I feel like Ive really gotten in touch with my feminine side enough today. You know. In fact I think were two sachets away from becoming a lesbian couple.
Rachel: Wh So If neither of you are married by the time youre 40, youre gonna marry Joey.
Rachel: Oh but Phoebe, were gonna be late for the movie.
Phoebe: (To Joey) You ate meat! (Joey is shocked) (To Chandler and Monica) You had sex! (Theyre shocked.)
Joey: Hey, did you get to the part where theyre trapped in the car and Cujos throwin himself at the windshield?
Rachel: Well, yeah, right, yknow what? Yeah, youre right, I mean, we no, we have our fun. Yeah! But if (Grunts uncomprehensively) I mean, I mean like craaaazy! Yknow? Okay, all right. This is gonna, this is gonna sound yknow, a little umm, hasty, but uh, just go with it. Umm. Ugh. What if we got married?
Rachel: Oh, well, that shouldnt be so hard, now that youre dating. (Imitating men at their worst) "Sweetheart, youre fired, but how bout a quickie before I go to work?"
Chandler: Hey, look, youre in trouble either way! Okay? If she comes back and sees me locked to this instead of the chair, shes gonna know you were in here. So you might as well just let me go.
Whitney: Were so sorry. (They get up to leave.)
Joey: No! No! No! Its different for you. Youre so strong and together. Youre not some dumb kid who doesnt know what shes doing.
Monica: Dad, please dont pick your teeth out here! Alright, and if youre gonna put your feet up, why dont you sit on the-
Monica: Are you trying to tell me that were moving to Oklahoma, or that youre gay? All right, not that this matters, but did they at least offer you a huge raise?
Joey: Oh really? Well, maybe you and I go out for drinks? (Pause) Youre the other one right? (She thinks about it for a second and nods yes.)
The Director: (approaching) Okay! Were about an hour away from getting the scene lit. So uh, if you guys dont mind, can we run it a couple of times?
Ross: You damn kids! You ring my bell one more time, I swear to (Opens the door to find Jill standing there.) Ohh, uh Jill. Umm, that-thats just a little game I play with the kids down the hall. Umm, theyve really taken a liking to me. (Quickly looks out to see if theyre watching.) Uhh whats-whats-whats the matter?
Joey: Oh, youre Phoebes fan!
Pete: (turns off the TV) Youre taking this all wrong. Because, if I didnt leave you that tip, you wouldnt of come down here, we wouldnt be having this argument, and there wouldnt be this ah, heat between us.
Joey: Yeah, were gonna be fine! Get out!
Friend No. 2: Youre so bad!
Phoebe: (to Monica, whos entering) Hey, youre early.
Joey: Chandler, look theyre actors. Theyre there to do a job, just cause they work together, doesnt mean theyre gonna get together. I mean just cause it happened with Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, it doesnt mean its gonna happen with them.
Nurse: Yes, I see that here. Unfortunately we cant guarantee a private room and currently theyre all unavailable.
Ross: Yeah, he-hes right, hes right. This is your time y'know, yeah, youre young, youre-youre weird, chicks dig that.
Monica: No were not.
Mr. Kaplan: (opening the closet door revealing that its full of tangled up hangers.) I need these hangers separated ASAP. (she is stunned) Youre welcome.
Monica: (embarrassed) (To Phoebe and Rachel) I didnt even tell him to say that. (They hug). All right youre off my list.
Chandler: Youre building a post office?
Chandler: Yeah, well, youre wrong! Okay, youre wrong.
Monica: (to Ben) Whos so brave, youre so brave, yes you are, youre so brave.
Chandler: Look you have to realize I dont think of you as a thin, beautiful woman. (Monica glares at him.) See this is one of things that I can apologize for later! Look, what I mean is youre Monica! Okay? And I am in love with Monica.
Monica: And yet, were still poking him.
Rachel: I hope its still funny when youre in hell.
Joey: Whoa, ah!! Were you just gonna give me some lemonade?
Ross: All right, were gonna play.
Rachel: You dont pick me! Youre stuck with me!