words in movies
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Phoebe: Ohh thats so sweet! (Her cell phone rings.) Oh! Hang on! (Quickly grabs a cigarette and starts to light it as her phone rings.) Hang onnnnnn!!! (Gets the cigarette lighted and answers the phone.) (On phone.) Go!! No! No-no! I said sell when it hits 50! 5-0, its a number! It comes after 4-9!! No, its okay. Its okay, youre allowed one mistake. Just kidding, you are of course fired.
Phoebe: Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! (Answering the phone.) Go!! Whos this? (Listens) Oh okay, youre gonna like working for me. Whats your name? (Listens) What kind of name is Brendy? I Whatever Stop talking! All right, from now on your name is Joan. You can pick your own last name.
Monica: Youre his bitch.
Chandler: I always thought having a heart attack was natures way of telling you to die! (Phoebe glares at him.) But youre not gonna die. I mean, you are going to die, but youre not gonna die today. I wish I was dead.
Phoebe: Yeah! Or too, you could be two stockbrokers and youre-youre-youre rolling around naked on the trading floor and everybodys watching! (Ross looks at her.) It never happened.
Joey: (To Chandler) Okay look, Chandler, if this (Motions back and forth indicating the arrangement.) you have got to listen! (Tugs on his ear.) (Chandler glares at him.) Youre gonna throw that juice at me, arent ya?
Monica: Oh my God! Thats great! Oh wow! (Hugs him.) Youre a published writer! I wish I had a present for you!
Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey Chandler look, I know youre mad, but I just want to say Im sorry. I-I was a total jerk. Completely o-over the line. Uh, I just I hate pulp! Yknow? I mean, yknow how Monica feels about low fat mayonnaise?
Monica: Well, youre not.
Rachel: Oh, its so easy for you I mean, youre not married, you get to have sex with who ever you want!
Rachel: Oh my God! Youre a 30 year old virgin!
Phoebe: Okay! Okay! (Puts it out and comes out of the bathroom.) Im so glad youre here.
Dr. Drake Remoray: Thats right Wesley! I just stopped by to say that, youre not a real doctor! And that womans brain, is fine!
Dr. Drake Remoray: Youre not dying Hope, youre gonna live a long, healthy life. With me.
Joey: Pretty cool, huh? But if youre thinking you can put a fish in there and it wouldnt get sucked up into the mechanism, well youd be wrong.
Monica: I hope youre hungry, were starting with oysters. And yknow what they say about oysters, dont you?
Monica: And then were gonna have a little Middle Eastern cous-cous. Something we can eat, with our hands.
Ross: Were really gonna do this, huh?
Chandler: Im sorry youre here with me instead of Roger.
Rachel: Joey, youre such an amazing actor! (He smiles.) How do you know where Dr. Drake Remoray leaves off and Joey Tribbiani begins?
Monica: Yeah but see I have nothing to compare it too. So even if youre horrible, how would I know?
Chandler: Stop it! Were doing this! Lets do it!
Ross: Look at you! Youre up!
Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Youre not gonna use the pay phone to call work, are ya?
Joey: (not quite sure of how to answer that) Well uh, look Ross I uh, I think Carols great and Im sure youre a very attractive man, but I .
Joey: Huh. But still Ross, youre worst day with two women, pretty much better than any other day! Yknow what I mean?
Chandler: Oh. Oh right! Right! Because youre still seeing him and uh, hes a good guy. I mean, I remember a time when (He fakes falling asleep.)
Monica: Yknow, I dont have an appointment, but I sure could use a physical. (He laughs halfheartedly) Are you sure youre okay?
Phoebe: Youre in my office! Look, I have made a lot of cash for this company! Okay? I am talking big bucks! Pesos! Yen! Rubles! You make one little mistake
Rachel: Me? Im great! Im fine! Im sooo good!! But, you know whos not great?! Men! Youre a man right Ross?!
Rachel: Let me uh, let me ask you something, do wedding vows mean squat to you people?! And why is it that the second we tell you were going out of town, bamn there you are in bed with the neighbors dog walker?!
Ross: Were sorry.
The Assistant Director: (approaching) Hey Joey! Were ready.
Chandler: Were back!
Rachel: (entering) Oh good youre still here!
Monica: Thats right. Get it out of your system while were alone.
(Ross mouths to Chandler, "Thank you," and he mouths, "Youre welcome," back.)
Joey: Nah, youre not tall enough to be a Mark, but you might make a good Barney.
Chandler: Oh honey, leave them alone, theyre in love.
Chandler: All right buddy, time to roll over. (Rolls him over, and discovers a surprise) (Looking down) No-no! (Covers his eyes) No, no-n-n-n-no!! You are going to a clinic! Youre going to a clinic, and a pyjama store!
Rachel: You mean the one that youre wearing? (Adjusts Monicas pink bra strap as Monica looks down her shirt.)
Monica: I mean think about all the money that youre gonna make!
Chandler: Were you just ten seconds later!
Ross: Youre welcome.
Chandler: Im sorry, were just kinda excited because we finally have a couple to hang out with.
Rachel: You guys are gonna love meee! Okay, check it out, Thursday night, five tickets, Calvin Klein lingerie show, and you guys are coming with me. (theyre all silent and look away) Okay, I said that out loud right?
Joey: Youre welcome buddy.
Chandler: (to the front desk clerk) Hi! Were checking out of the bridal suite.
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, Ross is on his date with Kristen and theyre drinking wine.]
Burt: Theyre gonna fire you! You cant date a student! Its against the rules.
Ross: Great! Great! (He runs to the door.) Youre making the bike very happy.
Rachel: (on tape) Oh, thank God youre here! You have to help me! Were you just talking to yourself?
Phoebe: Youre gonna get pregnant.
Chandler: Do you think that theres a town in Missouri or some place called Sample? And ah, as youre driving into town theres-theres like a sign, and it says Youre in Sample. (He says it like urine sample.)
The Cooking Teacher: Okay Joey, youre up next. (Tries one of his cookies.) This are good! This is amazing! You get an A!
Chandler: No, honey youre not sick! Look, I dont love you because youre organized, I love you in spite of that.
Woman: Sorry. We didnt hear you; were on our honeymoon.
Ross: Rach, c�mon, Emma is fine. You�re turning into an obsessive mother. Okay, you need to stop.
Joey: All right, look Im sorry you guys, but its just that I gotta get these new head shots made. And theyre really expensive, yknow? Im down to like three! Well, actually two cause one of em I kinda blackened in some teethWhy did I do that?! (Hits himself in the head.)
Chandler: So youre just, kinda rubbing it on yourself?
Ross: Hey Joe, while youre over there how about another beer for the Ross-A-Tron?
Phoebe: What?! No, you cant, you cant leave me here with them! Were baby-sitting!
Ross: Hi. I-I hear youre going on a ferry tonight.
Ross: Im so glad youre going on this trip!
Monica: So I hide in the shower and the next thing you know theyre going at it right on the bathroom floor.
Ross: Okay Phoebe, I guess youre next (To Joey) although I really dont see the point.
Monica: (simultaneously) Youre fired!
Monica: Youre fired.
Chandler: Youre an actor!
Ursula: Oh! Okay, so thats why youre (Motions to what shes wearing.)
Eric: Oh my God, youre the sister!
Elizabeth: Oh, because I was thinking, the semesters over; youre not my teacher anymore.
Monica: I mean, youre the one theyre gonna come to when they wanna run away from home, and the one they talk to about sex.
Mona: Wait-wait! Youre umm, youre a potato
Monica: See Chandler? Im getting a lot of use out of them already! Theyre very practical. See, you can wear them with dresses, with skirts, with pants
Chandler: (To Ross) Youre going down.
Phoebe: But theyre not!
Chandler: Youre Spudnik.
Phoebe: No. Youre not, youre not stupid.
Mr. Franklin: Youre a joker Bing. (Walks away.)
Boy in the Cape: Youre a mean old woman. (Runs away.)
Joey: Check the freezer. If theres none in there, then were probably out. Are you just getting in from work? Its late.
Ross: Youre moving?
Ross: Yeah. No. No youre right.
Joey: I know! I know! And Im going to talk to them about it. They mean so much to me. They Theyre like my family. If you guys are gonna be fighting all the time, I-I I dont think we can be together. It just, it just cant work. It cant. (Starts to break up) Im very upset.
Chandler: This is so bad. If-if youre not Mary-Angela, then-then who is?
Cecilia: Oh youre right. Thank you! Whats your name again?
Chandler: Oh. Yknow, that night meant a lot to me too, and it wasnt because I was in a bad place or anything, it just meant a lot to me cause, youre really hot! Is that okay?
Ross: Yeah, were done.
Monica: Theyre my pants!
Phoebe: Youre just saying that because youre my biggest fan. (The fan leaves and Joey approaches.) (To Joey) Joey listen, take good care of that guy, okay? (Points) Hes a fan. (To the fan as shes leaving) Bye! (Exits)
Chandler: Youre right, this is more fun.
Phoebe: How could it not be? I mean pretty soon theyre gonna be having kids, and then theyre just gonna be hanging out with other couples who have kids. And then maybe theyre gonna have to leave the city to be near a Volvo dealership.
Monica: Okay! I will! Mrs. Green? Mrs. Green! (She ignores Monica and Monica follows her out into the hall with Phoebe in tow.) It is rude to leave a party without saying good-bye to the host! Yeah, and-and also when someone apologizes to you the decent thing to do is to accept it! Now what I did to you, it wasnt on purpose! But what youre during to me now is just plain spiteful!
Rachel: Oh, were leaving. Bye Kash.
Phoebe: No, youre too late!!! She already took out the trash!!!
Rachel: Yeah, if youre going to do the ears, you might as well take a pass at the nosal area.
Kyle: Were gonna give it another try.
Phoebe: Oh, okay, (laughing) youre not a pushover.
Emily: I cant believe theyre doing that to him! I told them to go easy on him!
Phoebe: Cause youre still into Monica. So you told her there was somebody else so she would agree to work with you, so cause you figure oh if you spent a lot of time together, maybe something might happen, and...
Ross: So what! I still haveNo youre probably right.
Monica: Well you look incredible too! Youre justyoure so fit!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is sitting in Joeys lap on Francette, and theyre both groaning.]
Monica: Theyre mine!
Ursula: Yeah, no were not thirty. Were 31. Okay. (She closes the door.)
Rachel: Return them?! Shh! Theyre gonna hear you!
Stu: When theyre hookers.
Phoebe: Wow! Theyre beautiful!
Monica: Oh no, you see were on our honeymoon. So umm, can you do your little thing and bump us up to first class?
Ross: (finds the word in the book) Ezel! (Reads the translation.) Hey Gunther! Youre an ezel!
Chandler: Ugh. Just a sec, give me a minute to wake up for thisAh-ha-ha!! You lost the ring! Youre the worst best man ever!
Rachel: (answering the phone) Hello? (listens) Yeah, this is she. (listens) Oh! Youre kidding! Youre kidding! (listens) Oh thank you! I love you!
Phoebe: Oh good! Then youre in luck! Bens not my son!
Joey: Oh yeah? (Puts the hat on.) If youre gonna make me choose between you and the hat? I choose the hat.
[Two guys walk over and interrupt her. Theyre both names youve already heard. Ones Billy Crystal. Yes, that Billy Crystal from City Slickers. The other one is Robin Williams. Yes, that Robin Williams from Mrs. Doubtfire.]
Ross: We live together. Youre having our baby. Im not gonna see anybody else. Are you-are you sure you dont want something more?
Joey: How does it feel knowing youre never gonna be with another woman again huh? Knowing youre gonna have to wake up to the same face everyday until you finally have the sweet release of death.
Monica: That is completely untrue. You think Im high maintenance? Okay, prove it. I want you to make a list and were going to go through it point by point!
Ross: The card! I think were there!
Mona: I mean I love spending time with you, yknow I justI hope were moving forward. I mean, we should probably talk about that. Dont you think?
Chandler: Just out of curiosity did she tell you how youre gonna go?
Phoebe: Youre welcome.
Chandler: Ooh, I dont know if were there yet.
Joey: Youre Rachel!
Rachel: Youre Joey!
Joey: Youre my friend!
[Cut to Joey and Janines, theyre entering.]
Joey: Re! Re! Then I can watch that! Rewind it! Rewind it!
Monica: Well thats a little crazy. Although I am yknow glad to hear that youre branching out on what you look at on the Internet.
Phoebe: Okay, (starts to pack up her stuff) fine. Come dinosaur, were not welcome in the house of no imagination.
Joey: Rach, youre killin us here, will ya serve the dessert already? Those drunken dancers are waiting!