words in movies
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Phoebe: Ohh thats so sweet! (Her cell phone rings.) Oh! Hang on! (Quickly grabs a cigarette and starts to light it as her phone rings.) Hang onnnnnn!!! (Gets the cigarette lighted and answers the phone.) (On phone.) Go!! No! No-no! I said sell when it hits 50! 5-0, its a number! It comes after 4-9!! No, its okay. Its okay, youre allowed one mistake. Just kidding, you are of course fired.
Phoebe: Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! (Answering the phone.) Go!! Whos this? (Listens) Oh okay, youre gonna like working for me. Whats your name? (Listens) What kind of name is Brendy? I Whatever Stop talking! All right, from now on your name is Joan. You can pick your own last name.
Monica: Youre his bitch.
Chandler: I always thought having a heart attack was natures way of telling you to die! (Phoebe glares at him.) But youre not gonna die. I mean, you are going to die, but youre not gonna die today. I wish I was dead.
Phoebe: Yeah! Or too, you could be two stockbrokers and youre-youre-youre rolling around naked on the trading floor and everybodys watching! (Ross looks at her.) It never happened.
Joey: (To Chandler) Okay look, Chandler, if this (Motions back and forth indicating the arrangement.) you have got to listen! (Tugs on his ear.) (Chandler glares at him.) Youre gonna throw that juice at me, arent ya?
Monica: Oh my God! Thats great! Oh wow! (Hugs him.) Youre a published writer! I wish I had a present for you!
Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey Chandler look, I know youre mad, but I just want to say Im sorry. I-I was a total jerk. Completely o-over the line. Uh, I just I hate pulp! Yknow? I mean, yknow how Monica feels about low fat mayonnaise?
Monica: Well, youre not.
Rachel: Oh, its so easy for you I mean, youre not married, you get to have sex with who ever you want!
Rachel: Oh my God! Youre a 30 year old virgin!
Phoebe: Okay! Okay! (Puts it out and comes out of the bathroom.) Im so glad youre here.
Dr. Drake Remoray: Thats right Wesley! I just stopped by to say that, youre not a real doctor! And that womans brain, is fine!
Dr. Drake Remoray: Youre not dying Hope, youre gonna live a long, healthy life. With me.
Joey: Pretty cool, huh? But if youre thinking you can put a fish in there and it wouldnt get sucked up into the mechanism, well youd be wrong.
Monica: I hope youre hungry, were starting with oysters. And yknow what they say about oysters, dont you?
Monica: And then were gonna have a little Middle Eastern cous-cous. Something we can eat, with our hands.
Ross: Were really gonna do this, huh?
Chandler: Im sorry youre here with me instead of Roger.
Rachel: Joey, youre such an amazing actor! (He smiles.) How do you know where Dr. Drake Remoray leaves off and Joey Tribbiani begins?
Monica: Yeah but see I have nothing to compare it too. So even if youre horrible, how would I know?
Chandler: Stop it! Were doing this! Lets do it!
Ross: Look at you! Youre up!
Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Youre not gonna use the pay phone to call work, are ya?
Joey: (not quite sure of how to answer that) Well uh, look Ross I uh, I think Carols great and Im sure youre a very attractive man, but I .
Joey: Huh. But still Ross, youre worst day with two women, pretty much better than any other day! Yknow what I mean?
Chandler: Oh. Oh right! Right! Because youre still seeing him and uh, hes a good guy. I mean, I remember a time when (He fakes falling asleep.)
Monica: Yknow, I dont have an appointment, but I sure could use a physical. (He laughs halfheartedly) Are you sure youre okay?
Phoebe: Youre in my office! Look, I have made a lot of cash for this company! Okay? I am talking big bucks! Pesos! Yen! Rubles! You make one little mistake
Rachel: Me? Im great! Im fine! Im sooo good!! But, you know whos not great?! Men! Youre a man right Ross?!
Rachel: Let me uh, let me ask you something, do wedding vows mean squat to you people?! And why is it that the second we tell you were going out of town, bamn there you are in bed with the neighbors dog walker?!
Ross: Were sorry.
Ross: Thatll be a neat trick, when youre, (looks at the script) when youre dead!
Monica: Oh! (Gets up) Lets see, well if this is the wedding hall then umm (Walks away) youre parents will be at home in Queens.
Joey: Oh, what are you gonna do? Youre gonna fire me?
Chandler: Hey! (Sees Ross is there) Oh, good, Ross! Youre parents like me, right?
Cecilia: (walking up) Youre absolutely right they are writing me out of the show. They dont know exactly when its going to happen, but apparently going to be very soon and thats it.
Chandler: Well, listen I ah, still have one more person to ah meet, but unless it turns out to be your sister, I think youre chances are pretty good. (Eric offers to shake hands) All right. (Chandler hugs him.)
Rachel: Oh thanks, but listen, I was just at Monicas and she and Chandler had a big fight and theyre not moving in.
Phoebe: A little. (She turns around and looks up.) (To the universe) Now youre talking.
Monica: All right, youre telling me you can eat an entire turkey in just one sitting?
Joey: Were playing Strip Happy Days Game!
Monica: Joey, we had a deal. That-thats why youre here! Ive got to fire you!
Phoebe: Im so, so, so sorry, Joey. I definitely am gonna see youre play. I swear youre play is very important to us, thank you for your patience. Youre play is the next play is the next play Im gonna see.
Ross: WhatYoure not serious. I mean shes a very nice woman, but there is no way we can take eight weeks of her. Shell drive us totally crazy.
Janine: Hey! Youre a good dancer!
Rachel: Oh yeah! Actually, thats one of the reasons why were not a couple.
Joey: Look, I know I feel asleep before I could shower and now I dont have time! Theyre just ten blocks away, if I run, I can make it.
Fireman #1: So uh, youre not gonna be able to live here for a while, you ladies have a place to stay?
Kathy: Oh, wow. I cant believe youre throwing that in my face.
Chandler: Well the vet seems to think thats shes becoming a rooster. (The rooster crows.) Were getting a second opinion.
Ross: No you doy'know what, youre not gonna suck me into this.
Joey: No dude, you gotta hold your breath until youre ready to answer the question.
Rachel: Hey! Yknow, sometimes you can do everything right, everyone can wear everything theyre supposed to wear, and one of those little guys just gets through!
Ross: Pheebs, if you dont tell him, soon hes gonna be married, and then youre gonna hate yourself.
Chandler: Well yeah! But now that I know that youre having these thoughts, Im back to panic, anxiety, and uh Im definitely gonna need some kind of sports drink.
Rachel: (entering from Chandlers bedroom, I guess, and sees the foosball table.) Oh my God! I cant believe you guys are actually think youre moving in here!
Phoebe: Okay, it just seems pretty wild and youre soyknow so vanilla.
(Ross and Rachel approach, theyre still yelling at each other.)
Ross: Okay, okay, fine, youre right. Lets ah, lets take a break, (goes to the door) lets cool off, okay, lets get some frozen yogart, or something.. (opens the door)
Mona: Oh good, youre here. Yeah, and I was worried that it was going to be uncomfortable.
Joey: Oh well, theyre killing off one of the characters on the show, and when she dies her brain is being transplanted into my body.
Jill: No! Yknow what Rachel? Youre right, yknow he has been really nice to me.
Joey: (yelling through the door) Can we come it yet?! Were dying out here!
Janice: Oh! Youre right. Oh God. But, before I can say good-bye, theres something I really need you to know, Chandler. The way I feel about you, its like, I finally understand what Lionel Richies been singing about. Y'know, I mean what we have, its like movie love, youre my soulmate, and I cant believe were not going to be spending the rest of our lives together.
Chandler: Oh, well, ah... maybe thats because theyre ah... jealous, of us.
Monica: I cant be fair. Youre my boyfriend.
Chandler: But uh Ross, Ross is a great guy! I was roommates with him in college. Uh, funny story (He starts laughing then notices that Paul isnt happy.) Youre roommate in college died didnt he?
Frank: (Theyre less than happy now) Oh.
Ross: Cause I know what youre trying to pull here. Okay? Its not gonna work.
Ross: Oh great! Were going out again Saturday. But I just found shes also seeing some other guy.
Rachel: Well, I used to date him, but youre still going out with her!
Phoebe: No! But she gave me the box that it came in. It had a picture of the bike on the front. (Theyre all speechless) So I would sit on it and my step-dad would drag me around the backyard.
Rachel: This is Bonnie? (to Phoebe) This is Bonnie? (to Bonnie) Youre Bonnie?
David: Well, Im very glad youre here. (Kisses her hand.)
Monica: But you should eat them now because theyre hot from the oven.
Rachel: Im not! Were having a girl! Sometimes I cant believe its with youBut still! Were having a girl!
Rachel: Well, Chandler, youre gonna have to tell him.
Joey: Hey Rach listen, no matter what this guy says I want you to know youre not gonna be alone in this.
Tag: Look Rachel, I know what youre going through. Im totally freaked about turning 25.
Pete: Well if youre asking me to quit, then youre asking me to be someone Im not. Ive got to do this.
Emily: Oh my God. I think youre right.
Rachel: Well, I feel fine, but I think youre bumming out the rest of the kids.
Ross: No, thats, no, as long as youre okay. So Ill ah, Ill see you tomorrow.
Phoebe: I cant believe youre gonna ask Monica to marry you!
Joey: Well, I figured were in another country, so it doesnt count.
Joey: Okay. Now youre gonna want to have sex with me when you hear it, but you have to remember it is just the story.
Chandler: (re TV) Ooh, she should not be wearing those pants.
Rachel: Yeah, maybe if youre in love. But Ross, we are not in love, are we?
Ross: Yeah, but Im your brother. Were family. Thats the most important thing in the world.
Mona: Oh wow! So, youre more than just dinosaurs.
Chandler: No, because youre not a grandmother!
Ross: What, now youre not even taking to me? (moves over to the coffee table) Look Rachel, I-Im sorry, okay, Im sorry, I was out of my mind. I thought Id lost you, I didnt know what to do. Come on! Come on, how insane must I have been to do something like this? Huh? I-I dont cheat right, I, thats not me, Im not Joey!
Emily: Well I mean, youre American to start with. You dont even have rugby here.
Monica: Hey. Oh good-good youre here! All right, I figured it out. Im gonna take two tables of eight, Im gonna add your parents, and Im gonna turn them into three tables of six. Okay? And I called the caterer; I added two extra meals, we are good to go!
Joey: No! No, I-I just wanna thank you guys for what you did for my parents, that was really sweet. Theyre so happy they get to be a part of your special day.
Joey: Theres this woman, that I like. A lot. Well, its complicated. Shes with this other guy. For a long time. And I could never do that to the guy, yknow? Ccause were really good friends.
Chandler: Oh, so youre already doing your part for the kids.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Phoebe are there again, only now theyre not talking to each other. Phoebe is loudly stirring her coffee.]
Monica: Wow! So, now youre going on a date with this girl?
Chandler: Look, weve always talked about having babies someday. Im not saying it has to be right now, but Im starting to think that we can handle it. Were good. Were really good.
Chandler: Because youre the only one that can be fair.
Joey: The reactors gonna blow in three seconds, were never gonna make it!
Chandler: (pauses as he struggles with what he has to say) Youre a little high maintenance.
Joey: Rach! Hey! Its fine! Youre at Joeys!
Joey: Oh, were having a big party tomorrow night. Later! (Starts for the door.)
Rachel: (looking around) Who are you talking too? Oh, youre kidding! Oh, its a joke! (Laughs.) Its funny. Its funny. I dont get it. (Joey doesnt say any thing and Rachel realizes its not a joke.) Oh. (Pause) Okay. Umm I-I uh, wow. Are you uh How did umm When?
Joey: All right. Okay. Well this is the same kind of deal. If youre going to do something wrong, (He grabs two steaks from the freezer) do it right!
Janice: I mean this is so great! Were gonna be baby buddies! (Does the laugh.)
Chandler: Oh Im sorry, youre kicking me out of my own living room?
Ray: And this is Duncan (points to the cameraman) and Erin, theyre gonna help us out with the audition. So uh, lets get the camera rolling.
Chandler: I dont even know the man. Okay? Were not the close. I havent seen him in years.
Monica: Ok. Great. I am so glad that you are here. We’re really excited about getting this process started.
Monica: (laughs) Youre still so funny. Youre so funny. (To Phoebe) What do I do?
Joey: And I know both of them, theyre really good. One of them is the guy from those allergy commercials whos always getting chased by those big flowers
Joey: Hey! Tall guy! Hey, listen, I wanted to talk to you about that girl that youre dancing with.
Paul: Ross, look, I know Ive been giving you a lot of jabs and its partly because Im very protective of Lizzie, and partly because well, they just keep coming to me. But I have to admit that after all the wonderful things that Lizzie has told me and the many, many, (pause) many stories that Rachel has told me that, well (pause) youre not (pause) all bad.
Chandler: Ah-ha, youre not the boss of me. (She kisses him) Yeah, you are! (She handcuffs him to the chair) Ooh, saucy.
Ginger: Joey I can see you okay? Youre hiding behind the coats.
Monica: (voice on answering machine) Hi! If youre calling before Saturday, youve reached Monica and Chandler. But if youre calling after Saturday, youve reached Mr. and Mrs. Bing! Please leave a message for the Bings!
Monica: Yes, thank you so much. And again, were so sorry. We could not feel worse about it.
Joshua: Oh, theyre working on this week, its a total mess. But uh, Im staying at my parents house, we could go there.
Joey: So youre playing a little Playstation, huh? Thats whack! Playstation is whack! Sup with the whack Playstation, sup?! Huh? Come on, am I 19 or what?!
Doctor: Oh my. Were gonna need to take you straight to the delivery room.
Joey: Wait a second, I see what youre trying to do here! You-youre trying to give me money again!
Phoebe: Yeah. Except for, y'know when youre on a date and youre getting along really great but the guys translator keeps getting in the way.
Waiter No. 2: God, youre gonna be here all night!
Joey: All right now All right, youre all set up. Youre good to go. Just hit record. All right?
Chandler: Youre not gonna die an old maid, maybe an old spinster cook.
Chandler: I majored in lightning rounds. All right, were gonna destroy you.
Joey: Look, I told ya, Im not going to any clinic! I dont have a problem, youre the one with the problem! You should go to a "Quit being a baby and leave me alone" clinic!
Monica: No! No, she doesnt. Uh Phoebe, what she makesthats uhtheyre sock rabbits. They are completely differentOkay! Okay! Okay! I didnt make it! Im sorry! I totally forgot about tonight and the fact that were supposed to make the presents!