words in movies
[Scene: A wintry February day in New York City, snowplows are clearing the streets. Inside Central Perk, all three girls are paying court to Ross.]
Ross: I dont know whether hes testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control. But, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine, "supposedly" by accident.
Ross: And then, like three days in a row he got to the newspaper before I did, and peed all over the crossword.
Ross: Oh, Pheebs, Im sorry, Ive got to go. Ive got Lamaze class.
Ross: No, Susans gonna be there too. Weve got dads, weve got lesbians, the whole parenting team.
Ross: No, no. (Distractedly putting on a jacket to go out) I mean, it mighta been at first, but by now I, I think Im pretty comfortable with the whole situation.
Monica: Ross, thats my jacket.
Ross: I know.
(Rachel grins as Ross removes the girlie jacket, grabs his own, and rushes out.)
[Scene: The Lamaze class, several couples and one trio sit on the floor, introducing themselves to the teacher, whos got as far as a woman sitting next to Ross, Carol, and Susan.]
Ross: Hi, um, Im err, (has to clear his throat) Im Ross Geller, and err ah... (pats Carols bulge) ..thats, thats my boy in there, and uh, (points) this is Carol Willick, and this... is Susan Bunch. Susan is um Carols, just, com... (embarrassment finally overwhelms the poor fellow, who becomes incoherent until) ..whos next?
Ross: Susan is Carols, Carols, Carols, friend...
Ross: Like buddies.
Ross: You know how close women can get.
Ross: Although I was married to her.
Ross: Err, right.
Ross: A little.
Ross: Absolutely. (Turns back to the woman next to him.) So, twins... hah! Thats like two births. (He struggles again.) Ouch.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler, and the girls are dividing some Chinese takeout, while the sitcom Family Matters is playing on the TV.]
Ross: It doesnt matter. You dont dip your pen in the company ink.
Monica: Ross, your little creatures got the remote again.
Ross: Marcel, Marcel, give Rossie the remote. Marcel. Marcel, you give Rossie the remote right now... Marce... you give Rossie the remote...
Ross: Relax, Ill fix it.
Ross: (looking at the remote) How did he do this?
Chandler: Yeah, listen. Okay, before you do anything Joey-like, you might wanna run it by err... (he indicates Phoebe, who is helping Ross understand the remote control.)
(He happily gestures at Chandler that there was nothing to worry about, then exits. Rachel and Monica are concerned for poor Phoebe, who slides back down next to Ross.)
Ross: You okay?
Ross: You wanna watch Laverne y Shirley?
(The sitcom begins with its familiar refrain, yet with a Latin lilt. Rachel and Monica do a little dance with their chopsticks, and Phoebe has to grin as Ross joins in the rhythm.)
[Scene: Lamaze class. Susan is there. Each couple has a doll, for they have just finished learning how to change a diaper. As Ross rushes in, stepping on the Rostins pretend baby, squashing its head flat. It bleats, in protest. He performs emergency surgery, then hands the doll back to J.C.]
Ross: Sorry.
Ross: Hi. Sorry Im late. Wheres, wheres Carol?
Ross: No... No... No. I think I should stay, I think we should both know whats going on.
(Ross and Susan each gesture for the other to lie down.)
Ross and Susan: What? What? What?
Ross: Okay, Im gonna play my sperm card one more time.
Ross: I see. So what do you propose to do?
Ross: Flip me for it? No, no, no... heads, heads, heads!
(Ross gets down like all the other mothers, cradled in Susans lap like all the other fathers.)
(Forgetting herself, Susan does the "Mommy" action with Ross.)
(Ross comes out of character to glare into the distance.)
[Scene: Lamaze class, Ross is again on the floor, cradled in Susans lap, but now Carol is cradled in his lap, and she has a pretend baby, on her lap. The teacher is showing her class a video, which is about to end.]
(People start getting up. Ross grabs Carols doll to hold it upside down like a football, slapping it with his other hand.)
Ross: Susan, go deep.
(Susan just glares back, as Rosss inappropriate joke falls flat. Meanwhile, a bubble is about to burst...)
Ross: Carol, honey, shhh, shhh, everythings gonna be alright.
Carol: (screaming at Ross) Oh, what do you know? No one's going up to you and saying, "Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this pot roast through it?"
(Both women gulp in air. Ross looks at his "football," then manipulates the head & limbs back into place, until it resembles what it represents.)
(Ross is staring blankly into space.)
Susan: I mean, thats what this is all about, right? Ross? Ross?
Ross: Im gonna be a father.
Ross: I always knew I was havin a baby, I just never realised the baby was having me.
Ross: Aw, how can you say that? I cant even get Marcel to stop eating the bath mat. How am I gonna raise a kid?
Chandler: You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that, that monkeys and babies are actually different.
[Scene: Monica and Rachels, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Phoebe are sharing a bowl of popcorn, while Monica carefully reads the instruction manual for her television set.]
Ross: No, come on, he doesnt know this stuff. If he knew how you felt.
(Monica and Ross indicate that they mean right now.)
Ross: Okay, that's, that's enough. (retreats to the bathroom)
[Scene: Joey's Apartment, Joey is reading a script as Ross and Chandler enter carrying a basketball.]
Ross: Yeah, but it didnt fit. Well, luckily theres a store here that has one left in her size, but Im the groom, Im not supposed to see the dress
Ross: (entering) Hey guys!
Ross: Thank you.
Ross: Whats wah-pah?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Chandler are talking.]
Ross: Hey!
Ross: Yeah?
Ross: Hey, do uh, do you have a minute?
ROSS: Uh, excuse me, uh, where can we find the monkey?
Ross: Oh, no, I didnt mean, uh
Ross: Oh. Yeah?
Ross: Right that's why I came over to talk about. Hum...I saw Rachel kissing some guy on your balcony,even though there were NO LIGHTS !
Ross: Uh-huh.
Ross: Wow, thats-thats-thats incredible.
Ross: Hey, yknow, yknow what would make me really happy?
Phoebe: So you do know who he is! (laughs, Ross stares at her) Sorry.
RACH: Why didn't he call? He's gonna stay with Julie, isn't he? He's gonna stay with her and she's going to be all, "Hi, I'm Julie, Ross picked me, and we're gonna to get married, have a lot of kids and dig up stuff together."
Ross: Marcel? Marcel? Okay, where is he? Where is he? Marcel? Marcel?
ROSS: It's just, it's, it's me. You, you know I've only been with one woman my whole life and she turned out to be a lesbian. So now I've got myself all psyched out, you know, and it's become, like this, this thing and I. . . Well, you just must think I'm weird.
JOEY: [opens the drapes] Hey, Ross! What are you doin'?
Ross: Hey man.
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Chandler and Monica are sitting on the couch. Phoebe and Mike enters.]
Ross: Yeah!
Ross: Yeah.
Ross: Yeah.
Ross: Yep!
Joey: Well Ross, it seems pretty clear. I mean whats more important? What people think or how you feel, huh? Ross, you gotta follow your heart.
Ross: Oh, just this woman that I met last night at the party.
Ross: Thats a good point. So uh, how long are you gonna punish him?
Ross: Really?! We are?
Ross: You know, I really don't want to get involved in you guy's relationship.
ROSS: Great, great, and I miss that too, I miss everything.
Ross: Oh yeah! Then how come you didnt get the Geller Cup?
Ross: No, I ran. It was really far, and when did people stop understanding the phrase, "Get the hell out of my way!"
Ross: Awwwahuh, no, no, no!!
Rachel: (getting of the elevator and noticing Ross) Hey!
Ross: Oh, thats not true! Ive got her lots of stuff she never took back.
Rachel: Well! Good night. (to Ross) Im going upstairs.
[Scene: The Freeman Building, Ross is entering his new class completely out of breath.]
Ross: How could you not get it? You were Santa last year.
ROSS: No, Rach, come on. Rach! Rach, no, no! She's not Rachel, she is, she is not, Ra--Rachel?
Rachel: But Ross, its you and me!
Ross: Oh, I don't know, they seem to have a shared interest in each other's tonsils...
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Oh God... Okay. Alright. Alright. Okay. Ross, please don't hate me.
Ross: What happened?
Ross: Come here.
Ross: Noo. Why?
Ross: Yeah.
Ross: You okay?
Ross: Oh, Rachel, Im-Im sorry.
Ross: Women tell each other everything. Did you know that?
ROSS: You're livin' the dream.
Ross: Yowzah!!!
ROSS: (using calculator) Plus tip, divided by six. Ok, everyone owes 28 bucks.
Ross: Are you kidding? Okay, look. I-I studied evolution. Remember, evolution? Monkey into man? Plus, Im a doctor, and I had a monkey. Im Doctor Monkey!
Ross: It's, it's, it's, uh, a totally diferent situation! It's, it's apples and oranges, it's, it's orthodontists and lesbi- I gotta go.
Ross: No, no, we will. We just wont tell her she messed up.
Ross: I just wanted to thank you again for last night, what a great party! And the guys from work had a blast. Yknow, one of them had never been to a bachelor party before. Yeah! And-and another one had never been to a party before, so
Ross: Ouchy.
Chandler: No, it's... fancier than a pimple. Look Ross, why don't you just go see a
Ross: Yeah?
Ross: Yeah?
Ross: Sure. Why not?
Ross: Yeah sure.
ROSS: So do you have like any nuclear weapons on board?
(The unvoiced hissing continues. In alarm, Ross and Chandler look at the monkey, who is now in some distress.)
Ross: Hi.
Ross: It'll be nice to get this off finally, won't it? Yes it will. (Marcel resists) Or we can leave it on for now, that's fine.
[Ross and Rachel hug.]
Ross: I do.
Ross: Yes, yes, that's right...
Rachel: Ohhh!!!! [looking at something behind Ross]
Ross: What? [the cat jumps on his shoulders] Ow!
Emily: Ohh, Ross, please!
Ross: Wait a minute, is it because Joey and I didnt invite him to that Knicks game a couple of weeks ago?
Rachel: (to Ross) Yes! Did you see that?
Ross: Come on you guys, we're sorry, alri...? Our subway broke down.
Ross: Good.
Rachel: Umm, okay, I think I'm-I'm just gonna-just gonna say it. Just gonna say it. Uhh, (pause) I'm still in love with you Ross.
Ross: People are doing it in front of my book!
Ross: Fine.
Rachel: Good. (Ross leaves)
Phoebe: Okay, scarfs done. (Its not really a scarf, its just a bunch of yarn that Phoebe has tied together. Just then, Ross and Emily enter dragging with them Joey and Chandler.)
Ross: Okay, its not, its not.
Ross: (yelling, thinking Emily can hear him through the answering machine all the way to New York.) I love you too! Im, Im gonna call you right now from the phone booth! (Realises) You cant hear me. (Goes to make his call.)
[Rachel and Ross go out in the hall]
Ross: Is this about Mark?
Ross: Yeah!
Rachel: Ross, it just wouldnt have been feasible.
Ross: Oh well yeah, actually I was going to talk to her when you guys all came in the room.
Ross: Yes, you can, very much.
Ross: No!!
Ross: What?
Rachel: Ross? Look, whatever this relationship stuff that Emily wants, just give it to her. Come on, the bottom line here is that you love her. So just fix whatever she wants fixed. Just do it. (The phone starts ringing.) I mean, you're gonna have to try. You'll just gonna hate yourself if you don't. (The phone keeps ringing.) Oh come on answer it! It's driving me crazy!
Ross: She, she was different.
Ross: She was...
Ross: What? Okay, okay, okay, okay.