words in movies
[Scene: A wintry February day in New York City, snowplows are clearing the streets. Inside Central Perk, all three girls are paying court to Ross.]
Ross: I dont know whether hes testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control. But, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine, "supposedly" by accident.
Ross: And then, like three days in a row he got to the newspaper before I did, and peed all over the crossword.
Ross: Oh, Pheebs, Im sorry, Ive got to go. Ive got Lamaze class.
Ross: No, Susans gonna be there too. Weve got dads, weve got lesbians, the whole parenting team.
Ross: No, no. (Distractedly putting on a jacket to go out) I mean, it mighta been at first, but by now I, I think Im pretty comfortable with the whole situation.
Monica: Ross, thats my jacket.
Ross: I know.
(Rachel grins as Ross removes the girlie jacket, grabs his own, and rushes out.)
[Scene: The Lamaze class, several couples and one trio sit on the floor, introducing themselves to the teacher, whos got as far as a woman sitting next to Ross, Carol, and Susan.]
Ross: Hi, um, Im err, (has to clear his throat) Im Ross Geller, and err ah... (pats Carols bulge) ..thats, thats my boy in there, and uh, (points) this is Carol Willick, and this... is Susan Bunch. Susan is um Carols, just, com... (embarrassment finally overwhelms the poor fellow, who becomes incoherent until) ..whos next?
Ross: Susan is Carols, Carols, Carols, friend...
Ross: Like buddies.
Ross: You know how close women can get.
Ross: Although I was married to her.
Ross: Err, right.
Ross: A little.
Ross: Absolutely. (Turns back to the woman next to him.) So, twins... hah! Thats like two births. (He struggles again.) Ouch.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler, and the girls are dividing some Chinese takeout, while the sitcom Family Matters is playing on the TV.]
Ross: It doesnt matter. You dont dip your pen in the company ink.
Monica: Ross, your little creatures got the remote again.
Ross: Marcel, Marcel, give Rossie the remote. Marcel. Marcel, you give Rossie the remote right now... Marce... you give Rossie the remote...
Ross: Relax, Ill fix it.
Ross: (looking at the remote) How did he do this?
Chandler: Yeah, listen. Okay, before you do anything Joey-like, you might wanna run it by err... (he indicates Phoebe, who is helping Ross understand the remote control.)
(He happily gestures at Chandler that there was nothing to worry about, then exits. Rachel and Monica are concerned for poor Phoebe, who slides back down next to Ross.)
Ross: You okay?
Ross: You wanna watch Laverne y Shirley?
(The sitcom begins with its familiar refrain, yet with a Latin lilt. Rachel and Monica do a little dance with their chopsticks, and Phoebe has to grin as Ross joins in the rhythm.)
[Scene: Lamaze class. Susan is there. Each couple has a doll, for they have just finished learning how to change a diaper. As Ross rushes in, stepping on the Rostins pretend baby, squashing its head flat. It bleats, in protest. He performs emergency surgery, then hands the doll back to J.C.]
Ross: Sorry.
Ross: Hi. Sorry Im late. Wheres, wheres Carol?
Ross: No... No... No. I think I should stay, I think we should both know whats going on.
(Ross and Susan each gesture for the other to lie down.)
Ross and Susan: What? What? What?
Ross: Okay, Im gonna play my sperm card one more time.
Ross: I see. So what do you propose to do?
Ross: Flip me for it? No, no, no... heads, heads, heads!
(Ross gets down like all the other mothers, cradled in Susans lap like all the other fathers.)
(Forgetting herself, Susan does the "Mommy" action with Ross.)
(Ross comes out of character to glare into the distance.)
[Scene: Lamaze class, Ross is again on the floor, cradled in Susans lap, but now Carol is cradled in his lap, and she has a pretend baby, on her lap. The teacher is showing her class a video, which is about to end.]
(People start getting up. Ross grabs Carols doll to hold it upside down like a football, slapping it with his other hand.)
Ross: Susan, go deep.
(Susan just glares back, as Rosss inappropriate joke falls flat. Meanwhile, a bubble is about to burst...)
Ross: Carol, honey, shhh, shhh, everythings gonna be alright.
Carol: (screaming at Ross) Oh, what do you know? No one's going up to you and saying, "Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this pot roast through it?"
(Both women gulp in air. Ross looks at his "football," then manipulates the head & limbs back into place, until it resembles what it represents.)
(Ross is staring blankly into space.)
Susan: I mean, thats what this is all about, right? Ross? Ross?
Ross: Im gonna be a father.
Ross: I always knew I was havin a baby, I just never realised the baby was having me.
Ross: Aw, how can you say that? I cant even get Marcel to stop eating the bath mat. How am I gonna raise a kid?
Chandler: You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that, that monkeys and babies are actually different.
[Scene: Monica and Rachels, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Phoebe are sharing a bowl of popcorn, while Monica carefully reads the instruction manual for her television set.]
Ross: No, come on, he doesnt know this stuff. If he knew how you felt.
(Monica and Ross indicate that they mean right now.)
Ross: Hold on.
Joey: Ross? You okay?
Ross: If it does? Then you're an amazing friend of mine.
Ross: Well, the doctor says he's gonna be fine, he's just sleeping now.
Ross: I know I am! (Ross now starts to cry) ...And when it's summer, and it's hot, why can't you wear a tank top?
Ross: (angrily) I knew you were gonna throw that in my face!! That was three years ago! She apologized and she apologized! What more do you want?!!
Ross: I had a problem.
JOEY: [to Ross] You're getting a cat?
Ross: No-no, we talked about it. We dont want to know. All we care about is that its happy and healthy.
Ross: I wasn't- I mean, I-
Ross: You know what, he's a big boy, I'm sure he'll find us, ok?
ROSS: Yeah, I know, it's my birthday. We all should be here.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Ross, and Monica are there.]
Ross: And, I dont know, if it starts to rain
Ross: (To Rachel) So umm, where are the other guys?
Ross: of course she has. if she'd never had a serious relationship I'd go round broadcasting it like some unstoppable moron.
Joey: Hey Ross!
Girls: Yes, you're having a boy! (Monica runs over and hugs Ross)
Ross: Hey, at least you have a wife! I-I keep getting divorces and knockin people up! And Im dressed as doody.
Ross: 'Cause, I'm a stupid, stupid man.
Joey: Oh, ah, tour guide at the museum. Yeah, Ross got it for me.
Ross: (visibly nervous) Uh, that, that, that would be a judgment call.
Ross: Uh Dad, Emmas in the nursery. Ill take you now. If you want, but (To Rachel) I really want to talk to you.
Ross: (leaving) I just have to go, all right? Do I need a reason? Huh? I mean I have things to do with my life, I have a jam packed schedule, and I am late- for keeping up with it. Okay?
Ross: I'm fine! I saw a psychiatrist at work today.
Ross: Oh! You are gonna love it! (The girl is looking in the other direction as Ross is taking off his own coat, revealing the pink and white ladies shirt) and I'm so glad, we're finally doing this.
[Scene: The rugby game, Ross is getting killed.]
Ross: No! No! No!
Ross: Yeah. Theres no breaking them up, is there?
Ross: You go get em. (to Monica) What did I do to you? Did I hurt you in some way?
Rachel: Ross, that girl just spent the entire evening talking to your friends, asking to hear stories about you, looking through Monicas photo albums, I mean you dont do that if youre just in it for two weeks.
Monica: God, I feel so guilty about Ross.
Ross: Its not a big deal? Oh, Im sorry I just um, I what about all the stuff you-you just said? I mean how about, I likeyou-you cant stop thinking about her. Like how you cant sleep?
(Ross enters.)
Ross: Just, y'know out.
Ross: I don't know. Soap?
Ross: It's from Ross, it's a love bug.
Ross: (entering, carrying a basket) Hi!
Rachel: Ross! Janice?!
ROSS: Hey Joey I have to cancel racketball for tonight, that was Marcel's trainer. He's gonna let me have him for a couple of hours.
Ross: I am gonna see her again.
Ross: Yeah, Im-Im sure. (Deadpan) Yeah, get out of here before I change my mind. (She exits)
Ross: (He thinks about it) Of course I am. I just have to make a call.
Ross: (entering) Hey guys!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is reading a cereal box as Ross enters wearing the red sweater.]
Ross: (to Rachel) So, were off.
Ross: All right look, I-I realize it upsets you.
Ross: This couch, is cut in half! I would like to exchange it for one that is not cut in half!
Ross: The game, Rachel, the game. You owe us money for the game.
Ross: You're nose is bleeding!
Joey: Umm, listen, Ross do you really think this moving in with Rachel is a good idea?
Ross: Still I could tell. She was into me. (Joey rolls his eyes.) Well, why dont you set us up?
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Janice are sitting on the couch.]
Ross: Thanks!
Ross: Oh
Ross: Huh?
Ross: Dude, we got to talk.
Ross: OH MY GOD!!
Ross: I am now.
Ross: Okay.
Ross: All right.
Ross: Ah, somebodys at the door on the ceiling.
Ross: Ive been back and forth.
Monica: That's because as far as my parents are concerned, Ross can do no wrong. Y'see, he's the Prince. Apparently they had some big ceremony before I was born.
Ross: (walking up with Rachel and carrying coffee) Hey.
Ross: He said he liked that!! Oh youre right, youre right. Im sorry.
Ross: Sorry.
(Ross runs from the table, over the couch but slips and falls onto the floor)
Gunther: Oh, Ross? Ross! You can't put up flyers in here.
Ross: Is everything okay?
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, and Ross are sitting on the couch.]
Ross: Look uh, if were gonna do this
Ross: You sang Baby Got Back didn't you?
(Ross does not approve of Chandler's daft theory.)
Ross: All right. (Takes another copy.)
Ross: No-no, one daddy, two mommies. All right, its all yours. (Ross pushes him off.)
Ross: Ehh, I dont, I dont think so. Shes already talked about yknow, dating other guys.
Ross: Coffee sounds great. (They get up) Wait, so, so you live in Montreal?
Ross: Your make-up!
Ross: (seeing the thumbs up) Ahhhh!! (Hugs Rachel tighter.)
Ross: Hey, how are you holding up?
Ross: Okay, gimme my monkey back.
Ross: Then where the hell have you been?!
Ross: Hey. (Phoebe sees his bags)
Ross: What happened?
Ross: Excuse me, do any of you know how to play?
Ross: Wh-what did he say?!
(Ross fastens his seat belt.)
Ross: So, what's going on now?
Ross: (a little embarassed by their conversation) I'm good, I have dinner plans (moves away from them).
Ross: I'm having a baby in here! Ok, everyone stand back. (Walks backwards as if he is going to break down the door, but steps in a bucket and falls) Ow.
Ross: Is that what I want?
Ross: (grabbing a notepad and sitting down) All right, we'll start off slow. The only thing you have to do tonight is come up with the name of your main character.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is watching TV, but turns it off, and Rachel is sleeping on the couch. Ross puts a blanket over her.]
Ross: Oh, we were helping Chandler write his vows, but he kicked us out because Joey kept making inappropriate suggestions.
Ross: (puts his head near the baby) Hello! (to Dr. Franzblau) Oh, sorry.
Monica: Okay its time for the toast! Umm now-now, I know that Ross usually gives the toast, but this year Im going to do it.
Ross: Thats a different issue. Uh, the point is, when the baby comes I will be there to to feed her and bathe her and change her. And more than that I want to do all those things.
Ross: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, Joey!
(And with that everyone starts playing tonsil hockey. Chandler with Monica, Ross with Phoebe, and Joey with Rachel.)