words in movies
[Scene: A wintry February day in New York City, snowplows are clearing the streets. Inside Central Perk, all three girls are paying court to Ross.]
Ross: I dont know whether hes testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control. But, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine, "supposedly" by accident.
Ross: And then, like three days in a row he got to the newspaper before I did, and peed all over the crossword.
Ross: Oh, Pheebs, Im sorry, Ive got to go. Ive got Lamaze class.
Ross: No, Susans gonna be there too. Weve got dads, weve got lesbians, the whole parenting team.
Ross: No, no. (Distractedly putting on a jacket to go out) I mean, it mighta been at first, but by now I, I think Im pretty comfortable with the whole situation.
Monica: Ross, thats my jacket.
Ross: I know.
(Rachel grins as Ross removes the girlie jacket, grabs his own, and rushes out.)
[Scene: The Lamaze class, several couples and one trio sit on the floor, introducing themselves to the teacher, whos got as far as a woman sitting next to Ross, Carol, and Susan.]
Ross: Hi, um, Im err, (has to clear his throat) Im Ross Geller, and err ah... (pats Carols bulge) ..thats, thats my boy in there, and uh, (points) this is Carol Willick, and this... is Susan Bunch. Susan is um Carols, just, com... (embarrassment finally overwhelms the poor fellow, who becomes incoherent until) ..whos next?
Ross: Susan is Carols, Carols, Carols, friend...
Ross: Like buddies.
Ross: You know how close women can get.
Ross: Although I was married to her.
Ross: Err, right.
Ross: A little.
Ross: Absolutely. (Turns back to the woman next to him.) So, twins... hah! Thats like two births. (He struggles again.) Ouch.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler, and the girls are dividing some Chinese takeout, while the sitcom Family Matters is playing on the TV.]
Ross: It doesnt matter. You dont dip your pen in the company ink.
Monica: Ross, your little creatures got the remote again.
Ross: Marcel, Marcel, give Rossie the remote. Marcel. Marcel, you give Rossie the remote right now... Marce... you give Rossie the remote...
Ross: Relax, Ill fix it.
Ross: (looking at the remote) How did he do this?
Chandler: Yeah, listen. Okay, before you do anything Joey-like, you might wanna run it by err... (he indicates Phoebe, who is helping Ross understand the remote control.)
(He happily gestures at Chandler that there was nothing to worry about, then exits. Rachel and Monica are concerned for poor Phoebe, who slides back down next to Ross.)
Ross: You okay?
Ross: You wanna watch Laverne y Shirley?
(The sitcom begins with its familiar refrain, yet with a Latin lilt. Rachel and Monica do a little dance with their chopsticks, and Phoebe has to grin as Ross joins in the rhythm.)
[Scene: Lamaze class. Susan is there. Each couple has a doll, for they have just finished learning how to change a diaper. As Ross rushes in, stepping on the Rostins pretend baby, squashing its head flat. It bleats, in protest. He performs emergency surgery, then hands the doll back to J.C.]
Ross: Sorry.
Ross: Hi. Sorry Im late. Wheres, wheres Carol?
Ross: No... No... No. I think I should stay, I think we should both know whats going on.
(Ross and Susan each gesture for the other to lie down.)
Ross and Susan: What? What? What?
Ross: Okay, Im gonna play my sperm card one more time.
Ross: I see. So what do you propose to do?
Ross: Flip me for it? No, no, no... heads, heads, heads!
(Ross gets down like all the other mothers, cradled in Susans lap like all the other fathers.)
(Forgetting herself, Susan does the "Mommy" action with Ross.)
(Ross comes out of character to glare into the distance.)
[Scene: Lamaze class, Ross is again on the floor, cradled in Susans lap, but now Carol is cradled in his lap, and she has a pretend baby, on her lap. The teacher is showing her class a video, which is about to end.]
(People start getting up. Ross grabs Carols doll to hold it upside down like a football, slapping it with his other hand.)
Ross: Susan, go deep.
(Susan just glares back, as Rosss inappropriate joke falls flat. Meanwhile, a bubble is about to burst...)
Ross: Carol, honey, shhh, shhh, everythings gonna be alright.
Carol: (screaming at Ross) Oh, what do you know? No one's going up to you and saying, "Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this pot roast through it?"
(Both women gulp in air. Ross looks at his "football," then manipulates the head & limbs back into place, until it resembles what it represents.)
(Ross is staring blankly into space.)
Susan: I mean, thats what this is all about, right? Ross? Ross?
Ross: Im gonna be a father.
Ross: I always knew I was havin a baby, I just never realised the baby was having me.
Ross: Aw, how can you say that? I cant even get Marcel to stop eating the bath mat. How am I gonna raise a kid?
Chandler: You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that, that monkeys and babies are actually different.
[Scene: Monica and Rachels, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Phoebe are sharing a bowl of popcorn, while Monica carefully reads the instruction manual for her television set.]
Ross: No, come on, he doesnt know this stuff. If he knew how you felt.
(Monica and Ross indicate that they mean right now.)
Rachel: Well, oh, Mark, Im doing this for the wrong reasons, y'know? Im just doing it to get back at Ross. Im sorry, its not very fair to you.
Ross: Well we-we dont know for sure. But in my head it-it sounded something like this. (He makes a high pitched noise and Alan doesnt know what to make of it.) Of course, this is just conjecture. Okay, thats uh, thats all for today. (Everyone starts to get up.) Uh Mr. Morse, can I see you for a moment?
ROSS: [reading his list] Ok, ok, number one: The way you cry at game shows. Number two: how much you love your friends. Number three: the way you play with your hair when you're nervous. Number four: how brave you are for starting your life over. Number five: how great you are with Ben.
[Scene: Rachels Bedroom, Ross is finishing up her make-up.]
Paul: Neither of us like Ross!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Ross, and Monica are there.]
ROSS: Get away from me I said no!
Ross: No, no, no. The next time it's gonna be a Hawaii at sunset. [pause] But maybe the time after that!
Ross: Monica, youre so lucky! Hes like the most popular guy in school!!
Rachel: Oh my God. I cannot keep having this same fight with you Ross! Look, urrgh, maybe we should take a break.
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, everyone minus Ross are arriving to inspect the damage. The fire department is still there.]
[Scene: A fancy restraunt (Marcel's). Joey, Ross, Chandler, Susie, and the Director's Assistant are there.]
[Time lapse, still Chandler and Monica's, but only Chandler is there. Enter Ross]
Joey: It's okay, Ross, alright? I totally understand. Of course you're not fine. You're.. You're Ross and Rachel.
Ross: Oh but I-I-I haven't paid you yet!
[Scene: The Lobby, Ross is eating a sandwich as Phoebe rushes up to him.]
Joey: I bet Ross was in on it too. I mean he was conveniently busy.
Ross: Yes but too me he's just, man.
Ross: Well, you can help me!
[Scene: Ross's building, Joey is knocking on a door again. It's again answered by Ross.]
Ross: Oh, you know the sex of the baby? Oh, oh-oh-oh!
Ross: College?
Ross: Yeah, come on in. Molly?
[Scene: The lobby in Ross's building, we see a flyer that is on the bulletin board that reads, "Are you the Hot Girl who waved at me? If so, give me a call!" and it's signed, Joey 629-9*** (The last couple of numbers have been ripped off). Anyhoo, Ross is getting his mail.]
Rachel: So, I still have boxes here. I still have boxes at Rosss, and I have nowhere to live! Wow. I could so easily freak out right now.
Phoebe: (looking through the pizzas) Okay pepperoni, pepperoni, pepperoni, okay Ross, I know she's pretty and you love her, but is she stupid?! She forgot my vegetarian!
Ross: I'm having a boy! I-I'm having a boy!
Ross: No-no! Ill-Ill (He takes too much and some falls out of his mouth, which starts him laughing.)
Ross: Right. I guess, I guess I should call Emily.
(Ross enters, carrying lasagna)
Ross: You take your time.
Ross: Tonight.
[Ross makes a sorry face.]
Ross: Uh, yeah! I still cant believe she hates Pottery Barn!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Phoebe are there as Rachel and Ross return from the doctors appointment.]
(Everyone stands up. Cut to Ross and Monica in Nana's room.)
Ross: Oh, we just...
Joey: Here, I got five, I got five. (Ross takes the money)
Ross: Come here, Marcel. Sit here. (Marcel wanders off)
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is there as Ross enters with his all his hair sticking straight up.]
Ross: No, no, Dad, I was just wondering.
ROSS: I'm sorry, my pie was, was in your hood. Now I just have to get the coffee out of that guy's pants and I'll be back in the hospital by 7. [swats at an imaginary insect by his head, guy leaves promptly]
Ross: Oh my god! I'm so sorry, Cheryl. I must have freaked out.
[Scene: Monica's apartment. Phoebe and Ross enter the room.]
Ross: Ah, mustve been fairly obvious since it was the only thing left in your store.
Ross (on the verge of tears): I'm sorry, it must be the pressure of entertaining. I think everyone would feel better if we had some flan.
Rachel: Okay. Um ButOkay, yes Ross and I used to date. And yes we are gonna have a baby. But we are definitely not getting back together.
Ross: No, I missed and hit the door. But, it opened really hard!
Ross: What, you, you really quit your job?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross are there. Monica is checking the messages.]
Ross: Would you all relax? It's not that big a deal.
Ross: One-Mississippi, two-Mississippi, switch! Switch! Switch!!
Ross: When I happened to look through the window and I see you kissing a guy you know, for what? A week?
Phoebe: Ross says hi.
Ross: Yeah, if youre really hungry. (Dr. Green stares at him) It was a joke, I made a joke.
Ross: Right. Okay, lets play. Lets go.
Ross: I'm gonna have to give him up.
Ross: Umm, candles, champagne, yeah anniversaries are great. Cause you know love lasts forever, y'know. Nothing like it in this lifetime, money in the bank, so Rachel and I broke up.
Ross: Wait a minute! I saw that! On The Discovery Channel, yeah! About jellyfish and how if you... (stops suddenly and turns to look at Monica) Ewwww!! You peed on yourself?!
Ross: Maybe not.
Ross and Chandler: Hey!
Ross: (looking at the coffee table where his money was) Hey umm, was-was Monica here?
Ross: Well did you try calling her?
Rachel: Oh Ross, come on. He's happily married. His wife just had twins.
Ross: Yes. Yes. Yes! Yes, I really do! In fact, it's funny, very often, someone who you wouldn't think could-could curl your toes, might just be the one who...
Ross: Thats right Lydia, Elizabeth here is a student and uh, were dating. And you may frown upon that, but were not gonna hide it anymore.
Ross: (To Monica) Lets grab our stuff and get the hell out of here.
Chandler: I do not hate Ross!
Chandler: Marry me. (Both Ross and Chandler hit him.)
Ross: Uh-huh.
Monica: Then you two can, can sneak into the cockpit, and things will start to heat up, and then a stewardess comes in (Ross looks at her.) Ive been watching too much porn.
Ross: D'ya.. uh.. d'ya need any help?
Ross: So you guys having any luck getting rid of the entertainment center?
Ross: Okay, maybe this is so hard, because there aren't 50 states. Let me tell you something, I have 49 states, and there are no more! I-I think, I should be able to eat something.
Ross: Um. I know it says black tie optional, but, um this may be pushing it a little, um.
Ross: (apparently unruffled) Oh. Can I... can I ask who?
Rachel: Ok. Oh God. (To Ross) Get the camera, it’s in the diaper bag.
Ross: And where she's going everyone else'll be dressier?
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross is ordering something over the phone from a catalog.]
Ross: He looks so tiny.
Ross: Look, I'm sorry to hear about your tragedy, ok? But the swings are perfectly safe, and besides Emma loves them. You know what, you should come with us and you'll see!
Ross: No, why?
Chandler and Ross: Hey.
Ross: Yeah, hey I-I have clothes, I even pick them out. I mean for, for all you know I could be a fashion..... monger.
CHAN: Does anyone have one from a different paper? Ross, read yours.
[Scene: The Roof, Ross and Joey are banging on the door.]
Ross: What?
Ross: Who?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is outside the bathroom yelling at Ross who's in the bathroom.]
Ross: The doctor says its completely normal with all the hormones. Plus, you-youre sleep deprived.
(Camera cuts to Chandler and Ross at table.)
Ross: I don't know.
Ross: We're fine, we're fine.
ROSS: Alright, that's it. I've had enough of this, alright. Gunther, these guys are trying to take our seat.
Rachel: Look, Charlie, I just want you to know. Ross is just having a little trouble adjusting to the thought of Joey and me. You know, he normally doesn't drink like this.
Paul: Wow. What can I say? (Pause, pointing at Ross) This doesnt make me like you any better!
Ross: Oh man, I can't believe you guys are leaving this place.
Ross: Oh, you're... (gives up)
Ross: No, no. Uh... no, see, uh, you-you can't do that.
Ross: Ben, I want you to know that there may be some times when I may not be around, like this. (walks out of the picture) But I'll still always come back, like this. (returns) And sometimes I may be away longer, like this. (walks away) But I'll still always come back, like this. (returns)