words in movies
[Scene: A wintry February day in New York City, snowplows are clearing the streets. Inside Central Perk, all three girls are paying court to Ross.]
Ross: I dont know whether hes testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control. But, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine, "supposedly" by accident.
Ross: And then, like three days in a row he got to the newspaper before I did, and peed all over the crossword.
Ross: Oh, Pheebs, Im sorry, Ive got to go. Ive got Lamaze class.
Ross: No, Susans gonna be there too. Weve got dads, weve got lesbians, the whole parenting team.
Ross: No, no. (Distractedly putting on a jacket to go out) I mean, it mighta been at first, but by now I, I think Im pretty comfortable with the whole situation.
Monica: Ross, thats my jacket.
Ross: I know.
(Rachel grins as Ross removes the girlie jacket, grabs his own, and rushes out.)
[Scene: The Lamaze class, several couples and one trio sit on the floor, introducing themselves to the teacher, whos got as far as a woman sitting next to Ross, Carol, and Susan.]
Ross: Hi, um, Im err, (has to clear his throat) Im Ross Geller, and err ah... (pats Carols bulge) ..thats, thats my boy in there, and uh, (points) this is Carol Willick, and this... is Susan Bunch. Susan is um Carols, just, com... (embarrassment finally overwhelms the poor fellow, who becomes incoherent until) ..whos next?
Ross: Susan is Carols, Carols, Carols, friend...
Ross: Like buddies.
Ross: You know how close women can get.
Ross: Although I was married to her.
Ross: Err, right.
Ross: A little.
Ross: Absolutely. (Turns back to the woman next to him.) So, twins... hah! Thats like two births. (He struggles again.) Ouch.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler, and the girls are dividing some Chinese takeout, while the sitcom Family Matters is playing on the TV.]
Ross: It doesnt matter. You dont dip your pen in the company ink.
Monica: Ross, your little creatures got the remote again.
Ross: Marcel, Marcel, give Rossie the remote. Marcel. Marcel, you give Rossie the remote right now... Marce... you give Rossie the remote...
Ross: Relax, Ill fix it.
Ross: (looking at the remote) How did he do this?
Chandler: Yeah, listen. Okay, before you do anything Joey-like, you might wanna run it by err... (he indicates Phoebe, who is helping Ross understand the remote control.)
(He happily gestures at Chandler that there was nothing to worry about, then exits. Rachel and Monica are concerned for poor Phoebe, who slides back down next to Ross.)
Ross: You okay?
Ross: You wanna watch Laverne y Shirley?
(The sitcom begins with its familiar refrain, yet with a Latin lilt. Rachel and Monica do a little dance with their chopsticks, and Phoebe has to grin as Ross joins in the rhythm.)
[Scene: Lamaze class. Susan is there. Each couple has a doll, for they have just finished learning how to change a diaper. As Ross rushes in, stepping on the Rostins pretend baby, squashing its head flat. It bleats, in protest. He performs emergency surgery, then hands the doll back to J.C.]
Ross: Sorry.
Ross: Hi. Sorry Im late. Wheres, wheres Carol?
Ross: No... No... No. I think I should stay, I think we should both know whats going on.
(Ross and Susan each gesture for the other to lie down.)
Ross and Susan: What? What? What?
Ross: Okay, Im gonna play my sperm card one more time.
Ross: I see. So what do you propose to do?
Ross: Flip me for it? No, no, no... heads, heads, heads!
(Ross gets down like all the other mothers, cradled in Susans lap like all the other fathers.)
(Forgetting herself, Susan does the "Mommy" action with Ross.)
(Ross comes out of character to glare into the distance.)
[Scene: Lamaze class, Ross is again on the floor, cradled in Susans lap, but now Carol is cradled in his lap, and she has a pretend baby, on her lap. The teacher is showing her class a video, which is about to end.]
(People start getting up. Ross grabs Carols doll to hold it upside down like a football, slapping it with his other hand.)
Ross: Susan, go deep.
(Susan just glares back, as Rosss inappropriate joke falls flat. Meanwhile, a bubble is about to burst...)
Ross: Carol, honey, shhh, shhh, everythings gonna be alright.
Carol: (screaming at Ross) Oh, what do you know? No one's going up to you and saying, "Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this pot roast through it?"
(Both women gulp in air. Ross looks at his "football," then manipulates the head & limbs back into place, until it resembles what it represents.)
(Ross is staring blankly into space.)
Susan: I mean, thats what this is all about, right? Ross? Ross?
Ross: Im gonna be a father.
Ross: I always knew I was havin a baby, I just never realised the baby was having me.
Ross: Aw, how can you say that? I cant even get Marcel to stop eating the bath mat. How am I gonna raise a kid?
Chandler: You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that, that monkeys and babies are actually different.
[Scene: Monica and Rachels, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Phoebe are sharing a bowl of popcorn, while Monica carefully reads the instruction manual for her television set.]
Ross: No, come on, he doesnt know this stuff. If he knew how you felt.
(Monica and Ross indicate that they mean right now.)
Ross: Yeah.
Ross: What do you mean?
Ross: Yeah, have a seat.
Ross: You think?
Phoebe: Oh hey Ross oh I'm so glad someone's here could you zip me up?
Rachel: Ross, you are so pathetic. Why can't your son just play with his doll? (uses the Milk Master 2000 to pour milk into her cereal)
Ross: Hey, youre right.
Ross: Thanks. (He starts to go inside and stops.) What photo album was it?
Ross: That's it? You're not mad? I mean, it must've been terrible.
Ross: I just wanna clarify this: are you outing Mr. Peanut?
Ross: Helps a little.
Mrs. Waltham: This is ridiculous. I mean we had an agreement. (Ross looks frustrated. She begins to scream at her husband.) Will you say something, Steven?! Please!!!
ROSS: OK, what's the longest you've been in the relationship before ha, have, having the sex?
Ross: Yeah, I was going for the metaphor.
Ross: Hi.
Ross: (Thinks about it.) Nah.
Ross: And why do you care so much?
Ross: They gave him a lot of medication, ok? He wouldn't even know if you were there. Look, we'll go see him first thing in the morning, ok?
Ross: (to Joey) Good morning. Nice breasts by the way.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the next morning. Joey is getting the door in his dressing gownit's Ross.]
Rachel: (trying to sound like a bug) Bzzzz.... I love you, Ross.
Rachel: Well Thats yknowThatsWeve been alone for the last twenty minutes were doing okay. Besides yknow what? I-IMaybe we wont be alone, cause lately I-Ithings have been happening between me and Ross, yknow? Right before I went into labor, we-we had this kiss. Yknow? So it might be the the beginning of something.
(Ross looks at Joey, dumbfounded at his stupidity.)
Ross: Emily! (Runs up.)
Ross: Oh, absolutely! (Chandler mumbles something.)
ROSS: Then you should have said something before I met her.
Ross: Thats no problem.
(Ross goes outisde on the balcony.)
Ross: Me neither, okay? We are - we're done being stupid.
Ross: What do I do now?
Ross: Thank you.
(Ross enters.)
Ross: You still love me.
Ross: I did.
Ross: She said, "Thank you." I said, "I love you." And she said, "Thank you."
[Cut to Ross getting of an elevator carrying a bouquet of flowers and walking down the hall to Rachels room.]
Chandler: O-kay. I'll see if I can find Ross. (Goes off to find Ross.)
Ross: Ahh.
Emily: Ross.
Ross: Well
Ross: (Answers the phone.) Hello?
Ross: Emily, hi! Uh, how-how was you flight?
Ross: What?
Ross: No.
Ross: All right. All right, Im gonna do it!
Party Guests: (chanting) Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! (Ross goes to investigate the noise) Howard! Howard! Howard! (They're holding Howard above their heads.) Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! (He sees Phoebe chanting along with them.) Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Yay!!
Phoebe: Okay, so its probably just the Ross thing then.
(Ross starts to leave.)
Ross: Really?
Ross: You're right, I'm sorry. Will you marry me?
Ross: (on phone) Hey.
Ross: (Bangs on the bathroom door) Emily? Emily? Im coming in. (He opens the door to reveal that the window is gone, along with Emily.)
Ross: About four hours.
Emily: Ive uh, Ive come to talk to Ross.
Ross and Rachel: Noo.
Ross: Hi.
Ross: Ohh! Thank you.
Emily: Ross, I love you!
(Ross thinks it over, finally sits down and picks up his cards.)
Ross: Hey, if mommy can have a wife, daddy can have a bra.
Ross: Okay, but do you really need another friend? I mean...
(Ross keeps staring at her, head on table. Chandler smacks him with a newspaper. Joey enters, Ross and Chandler laugh at him.)
Emily: (laughs) Ross play rugby? I dont think so.
Ross: Oh, well this morning he got a call from who I think was our cousin Nathan, and frankly, it was a little more than I needed to know.
Ross: (triumphantly) Im gonna be on TV!!
Ross: Hey!
Monica: It is not over because she is going to call you and tell you she loves you. And the reason why she couldnt, is because her feelings were so strong, it scared her. Now you go home and wait for her call, she could be calling you from the plane! Come on now go! Go! (Tries to push Ross out the door.)
Ross: Yeah? Oh-oh, shed be so excited!
Phoebe: He is! But hes getting divorcedRoss! Maybe you know him.
Ross: You had fantasies about Emily?
Ross: Oh. Whats wrong with Ross?
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel and Sandy sit on the couch. Sandy holds Emma. Ross enters the apartment. Sandy and Rachel wipe their tears away with handkerchiefs]
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is working as Phoebe and Ross are sitting on the couch.]
(knock on door, Ross opens, it's a woman)
Ross: All right, bad ankle, got it!
Rachel: Okay, but Ross, eventually you and I are gonna be dating.
Ross: So umm, any word from Susan?
Ross: Am I?!
Ross: Am I?!
Ross: Yeah, well you never have the time. I mean, I dont feel like I even have a girlfriend anymore, Rachel.
Ross: I cant believe it. (Pause) Can I tell you something? Im a little mad at him now.
Ross: Uhm... Rachel and I hired a male nanny. (Joey makes a gesture and sound like "Can you believe that?")
Molly: (to Ross) I'm gonna take her back to the appartment.
Ross: She doesnt know which one of us she wants, me or this Colin guy.
Ross: (interrupting her) Oh, it's not the ideal way...
Ross: I like this one. (Points to it.) It seems to say, "I love you and thats why I have to kill you."
Ross: What?
Ross: Oh, wake up!
Ross: Excuse me?
Ross: It does not!
Ross: Oh come on! Here we go! (picks her up and puts her in the chair) Stand by for mission countdown!
Ross: This is not fun!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's balcony, Ross is about to be attacked by Paulo's cat.]
Phoebe: Yeah. The 92 Ross wouldnt.
Mona's Date: Its awfully pink. (Ross mouths, "Its salmon!")
Ross: In this life, Phoebe.
Ross: Oh, I missed you too.
Ross: Nice luggage.
Ross: Yes, thats what I was going to ask, thank you.
Ross: Hi!