words in movies
[Scene: A wintry February day in New York City, snowplows are clearing the streets. Inside Central Perk, all three girls are paying court to Ross.]
Ross: I dont know whether hes testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control. But, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine, "supposedly" by accident.
Ross: And then, like three days in a row he got to the newspaper before I did, and peed all over the crossword.
Ross: Oh, Pheebs, Im sorry, Ive got to go. Ive got Lamaze class.
Ross: No, Susans gonna be there too. Weve got dads, weve got lesbians, the whole parenting team.
Ross: No, no. (Distractedly putting on a jacket to go out) I mean, it mighta been at first, but by now I, I think Im pretty comfortable with the whole situation.
Monica: Ross, thats my jacket.
Ross: I know.
(Rachel grins as Ross removes the girlie jacket, grabs his own, and rushes out.)
[Scene: The Lamaze class, several couples and one trio sit on the floor, introducing themselves to the teacher, whos got as far as a woman sitting next to Ross, Carol, and Susan.]
Ross: Hi, um, Im err, (has to clear his throat) Im Ross Geller, and err ah... (pats Carols bulge) ..thats, thats my boy in there, and uh, (points) this is Carol Willick, and this... is Susan Bunch. Susan is um Carols, just, com... (embarrassment finally overwhelms the poor fellow, who becomes incoherent until) ..whos next?
Ross: Susan is Carols, Carols, Carols, friend...
Ross: Like buddies.
Ross: You know how close women can get.
Ross: Although I was married to her.
Ross: Err, right.
Ross: A little.
Ross: Absolutely. (Turns back to the woman next to him.) So, twins... hah! Thats like two births. (He struggles again.) Ouch.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler, and the girls are dividing some Chinese takeout, while the sitcom Family Matters is playing on the TV.]
Ross: It doesnt matter. You dont dip your pen in the company ink.
Monica: Ross, your little creatures got the remote again.
Ross: Marcel, Marcel, give Rossie the remote. Marcel. Marcel, you give Rossie the remote right now... Marce... you give Rossie the remote...
Ross: Relax, Ill fix it.
Ross: (looking at the remote) How did he do this?
Chandler: Yeah, listen. Okay, before you do anything Joey-like, you might wanna run it by err... (he indicates Phoebe, who is helping Ross understand the remote control.)
(He happily gestures at Chandler that there was nothing to worry about, then exits. Rachel and Monica are concerned for poor Phoebe, who slides back down next to Ross.)
Ross: You okay?
Ross: You wanna watch Laverne y Shirley?
(The sitcom begins with its familiar refrain, yet with a Latin lilt. Rachel and Monica do a little dance with their chopsticks, and Phoebe has to grin as Ross joins in the rhythm.)
[Scene: Lamaze class. Susan is there. Each couple has a doll, for they have just finished learning how to change a diaper. As Ross rushes in, stepping on the Rostins pretend baby, squashing its head flat. It bleats, in protest. He performs emergency surgery, then hands the doll back to J.C.]
Ross: Sorry.
Ross: Hi. Sorry Im late. Wheres, wheres Carol?
Ross: No... No... No. I think I should stay, I think we should both know whats going on.
(Ross and Susan each gesture for the other to lie down.)
Ross and Susan: What? What? What?
Ross: Okay, Im gonna play my sperm card one more time.
Ross: I see. So what do you propose to do?
Ross: Flip me for it? No, no, no... heads, heads, heads!
(Ross gets down like all the other mothers, cradled in Susans lap like all the other fathers.)
(Forgetting herself, Susan does the "Mommy" action with Ross.)
(Ross comes out of character to glare into the distance.)
[Scene: Lamaze class, Ross is again on the floor, cradled in Susans lap, but now Carol is cradled in his lap, and she has a pretend baby, on her lap. The teacher is showing her class a video, which is about to end.]
(People start getting up. Ross grabs Carols doll to hold it upside down like a football, slapping it with his other hand.)
Ross: Susan, go deep.
(Susan just glares back, as Rosss inappropriate joke falls flat. Meanwhile, a bubble is about to burst...)
Ross: Carol, honey, shhh, shhh, everythings gonna be alright.
Carol: (screaming at Ross) Oh, what do you know? No one's going up to you and saying, "Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this pot roast through it?"
(Both women gulp in air. Ross looks at his "football," then manipulates the head & limbs back into place, until it resembles what it represents.)
(Ross is staring blankly into space.)
Susan: I mean, thats what this is all about, right? Ross? Ross?
Ross: Im gonna be a father.
Ross: I always knew I was havin a baby, I just never realised the baby was having me.
Ross: Aw, how can you say that? I cant even get Marcel to stop eating the bath mat. How am I gonna raise a kid?
Chandler: You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that, that monkeys and babies are actually different.
[Scene: Monica and Rachels, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Phoebe are sharing a bowl of popcorn, while Monica carefully reads the instruction manual for her television set.]
Ross: No, come on, he doesnt know this stuff. If he knew how you felt.
(Monica and Ross indicate that they mean right now.)
[Scene: The Waiting Room, Phoebe is playing a song. Chandler, Monica, and Ross are there as well.]
Monica: (entering) Ross (who has his foot on the coffee table), foot on the floor or come over no more!
Ross: Oh come on. It's cold, it's dark, he doesn't know the Village. (Kicks a sign in frustration) And now I have a broken foot. I have no monkey, and a broken foot! Thank you very much.
Ross: (astonished) What?
Ross: (holding a dress out from inside the closet) This one?
Ross: and then, we couldve gone from the ceremony to the reception with you in the sidecar!
(Ross looks scared)
Ross: I'm having a son. Um...
Ross: This is fun. Hey Rach, remember that whole "We were on a break thing?" Well, I'm sorry, will you marry me? (Laughs--whines as he sees that no one is laughing. They're just staring at him in shock.)
Rachel: Ross, this is not how we wanted you to find out about this. You have every right to go nuts.
Ross: OK, I have a question. Well, actually, it's not so much a question as.. more of a general wondering... ment.
Joey: Nonono, you can't kiss Ross, that's your brother.
[Camera pans to the Geller family table. Ross, Rachel, Mr. and Mrs. Geller are there.]
Ross: Yeah, and she still wants to go! It's pretty clear where she is.
Ross: What do you want to do now? Huh? You wanna go get a drink?
Rachel: (talking in her sleep) Oooooooooh. (Rachel strokes her hand over the pillow. Ross mimicks her silently) Oh, that's nice. Oh, oh. Huh, Ross!
Ross: Wha-I'm having, I'm having a boy! (babbling) Huh, am I having a boy?
Molly: (goes out of the room) Hey! Guys, this is Tabatha (they kiss on the lips in a romantic way). (to Ross) I'll see you tomorrow.
Ross: So, eh. I made out with Adrienne and you made out with Missy. Well I guess we're even.
Ross: Yeah.
Monica: Ross! He's playing with my spatulas again!
Ross: Why? Why would I why? Why? Why? Why?
Ross: Nonono, thatthat's not what I was saying...
Monica screaming at Ross: Forget the bubblewrap! There isn't time!
Ross: Marcel, c'mere, c'mere. (He sits down and Marcel jumps down and sits beside him) Well buddy, this is it. There's just a coupla things I want to say. I'm really gonna miss you, and I'm never gonna forget about you. You've been more than just a pet to me, you've been more like a be- (Marcel climbs down and starts humping his leg) Okay, Marcel, please, could you leave my leg alone? Could you just stop humping me for two seconds?! Marcel, would- okay, just take him away. Just take him.
Rachel: Oh please. Okay, anyone in this room think that I would send Ross begging symbols, please show of hands. (Ross raises his hand and no one else.)
Ross: Okay, hold my crawler.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is showing everyone a poster as Ross enters.]
Ross: Not even once.
[Scene: Rosss Apartment, Ross and Monica are there.]
Ross: Well, there is an Arbys in the shape of a tee-pee.
Ross: Im sorry the answer there would be...none of us.
Ross: Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it go?
Ross: We're sorry, Pheebs, we're sorry.
ROSS: Rach, Rach, we'll be fine, all right?� You go have fun.
Ross: Hey Pheebs, could you please not put your feet up on my new (On Rachels glare) old sheet?
Ross: So Joey, you okay?
Phoebe: (Walks towards Ross) If you hadn't just had a baby with my best friend I swear to Lucifer a raber dog would be feasting on your danglers RIGHT NOW!
Ross: Why, why, why would you dream that?
(There is a knock at the door. Someone turns the music off, then the whole party runs and hides, except for Monica and Rachel who answer their door. Ross stands in the doorway, holding a box, but everyone is too keyed up to notice that it's him.)
Ross: Not well. I went on the subway again and someone did sit on my hand but that person was neither female nor wearing pants.
Joey: I'm tellin' you Ross, she wants you.
Woman: Hi, Ross.
Ross: Actually, nectarines, but basically...
Ross: Aw, right.
Ross: An egg?
Ross: Hi. She said yes.
Phoebe: Ooh. Oh. It looks like, like a tiny little person drowning in your cereal. (Ross gives her this look, like 'Yeah, doesn't it', and gets up to dump it down the drain.)
Ross: Well, oh just ah, I was just wondering, when you and I split up, did you get the tape that was half the last episode of M*A*S*H and half the hostages coming home?
Rachel: (On the phone) Okay, he's a, he's a black capuchian monkey with a white face... (Enter Ross) ...with, with Russian dressing and, and pickles on the side. Okay. Thanks.
Ross: (coming out of the bedroom) Oh! Oh my God! I didnt even see you!
Ross: I love it, when we share.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel has just found out about Chloe and is screaming at Ross. The rest of the gang is trapped in Monica's bedroom.]
(Camera pans to Ross, holding his stomach)
Ross: The most amazing thing happened tonight. I thought my number was up. I had an actual near death experience!
Ross: (noticing the pipe and looking at the door) Joey wheres the pipe that was holding the door open?
Joey: (to Ross) Wanna play strip poker for practice?
Ross: Nope, nope, that's it.
Ross: I cannot sleep in a public place.
Ross: I can't belive you two had sex in her dream.
Ross: ..Dr. Oberman. Okay. And is he-
Ross: So, um, what do you do for a living?
Ross: Oh, I hope they're not ruined.
(He shuts the door and Ross and Monica fling cookies at it)
Ross: Hi! (Kisses his mom.) Hey mom.
Carol: Joey, Ross is gonna be here any second, would you mind watching Ben for me while I use the ladies' room?
Rachel: (freaks) Ross! Stop it! Come on!
Ross: Anyway it-it kinda-it all boils down to this, the last time I talked to Emily
Ross: I dont want people to see it for your sake.
(Everyone says no and folds, except for Ross, who thinks about it.)
Phoebe: Oh, hi, Mrs. Waltham. I need to speak with ether one of the best men, or Rosss sister Monica.
Ross: No but, no but.
Ross: That's easy for you to say, you found one already.
Ross: (Doing the spinning) Okay, Monica: Right foot red.
ROSS: Well this, this is too much, I feel like I should get you another sweater.
(She goes into her apartment and sees Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross sitting there.)
Ross: What's going on?
Ross: Well, howdya feel?
Ross: Oh, professor Clerk we're kind of in the middle of a conversation, here.
Ross: Because, because Ive got Ben.
(She goes to look out the window at Rosss apartment and sees Jill staring at her and closing the drapes with an evil look on her face. Rachel is stunned into silence.)
Ross: Ah, the lesser-known "I don't have a dream" speech.
Ross: Well, when you're subletting an apartment from your wife's cousin and then you get a divorce, sometimes the cousin suddenly wants his apartment back.
Ross: Oh, right, because he's a scientist!
Ross: (entering from the bathroom) Hey Pheebs, what's going on?
Ross: (on phone) Thats right, Ryder. Wynona Ryder for six. (listens) Thank you. (hangs up) (to the gang) Yeah, we have the reservations.
ROSS: I'm Ross Geller. Wha, I'm, God in your add you said you were pretty but wow.
Ross: Ah....
Ross: Um... uh.... vulva.
Ross: (embarrassed) Wha... what, here?
Ross: Joey, please.
Ross: (impressed) Wow.
Ross: Yeah.
Ross: Sure.
Ross: ....and....
Ross: I, er...
Ross: (wiping his brow) Ah...ooh! Well, looks like, uh, we kicked your butts.
Ross: (rushing to explain) Funny story!
Ross: (panicked) Er.... um.....
Joey: OK, you've got to promise that you'll never, ever tell Ross that I told you.