words in movies
[Scene: A wintry February day in New York City, snowplows are clearing the streets. Inside Central Perk, all three girls are paying court to Ross.]
Ross: I dont know whether hes testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control. But, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine, "supposedly" by accident.
Ross: And then, like three days in a row he got to the newspaper before I did, and peed all over the crossword.
Ross: Oh, Pheebs, Im sorry, Ive got to go. Ive got Lamaze class.
Ross: No, Susans gonna be there too. Weve got dads, weve got lesbians, the whole parenting team.
Ross: No, no. (Distractedly putting on a jacket to go out) I mean, it mighta been at first, but by now I, I think Im pretty comfortable with the whole situation.
Monica: Ross, thats my jacket.
Ross: I know.
(Rachel grins as Ross removes the girlie jacket, grabs his own, and rushes out.)
[Scene: The Lamaze class, several couples and one trio sit on the floor, introducing themselves to the teacher, whos got as far as a woman sitting next to Ross, Carol, and Susan.]
Ross: Hi, um, Im err, (has to clear his throat) Im Ross Geller, and err ah... (pats Carols bulge) ..thats, thats my boy in there, and uh, (points) this is Carol Willick, and this... is Susan Bunch. Susan is um Carols, just, com... (embarrassment finally overwhelms the poor fellow, who becomes incoherent until) ..whos next?
Ross: Susan is Carols, Carols, Carols, friend...
Ross: Like buddies.
Ross: You know how close women can get.
Ross: Although I was married to her.
Ross: Err, right.
Ross: A little.
Ross: Absolutely. (Turns back to the woman next to him.) So, twins... hah! Thats like two births. (He struggles again.) Ouch.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler, and the girls are dividing some Chinese takeout, while the sitcom Family Matters is playing on the TV.]
Ross: It doesnt matter. You dont dip your pen in the company ink.
Monica: Ross, your little creatures got the remote again.
Ross: Marcel, Marcel, give Rossie the remote. Marcel. Marcel, you give Rossie the remote right now... Marce... you give Rossie the remote...
Ross: Relax, Ill fix it.
Ross: (looking at the remote) How did he do this?
Chandler: Yeah, listen. Okay, before you do anything Joey-like, you might wanna run it by err... (he indicates Phoebe, who is helping Ross understand the remote control.)
(He happily gestures at Chandler that there was nothing to worry about, then exits. Rachel and Monica are concerned for poor Phoebe, who slides back down next to Ross.)
Ross: You okay?
Ross: You wanna watch Laverne y Shirley?
(The sitcom begins with its familiar refrain, yet with a Latin lilt. Rachel and Monica do a little dance with their chopsticks, and Phoebe has to grin as Ross joins in the rhythm.)
[Scene: Lamaze class. Susan is there. Each couple has a doll, for they have just finished learning how to change a diaper. As Ross rushes in, stepping on the Rostins pretend baby, squashing its head flat. It bleats, in protest. He performs emergency surgery, then hands the doll back to J.C.]
Ross: Sorry.
Ross: Hi. Sorry Im late. Wheres, wheres Carol?
Ross: No... No... No. I think I should stay, I think we should both know whats going on.
(Ross and Susan each gesture for the other to lie down.)
Ross and Susan: What? What? What?
Ross: Okay, Im gonna play my sperm card one more time.
Ross: I see. So what do you propose to do?
Ross: Flip me for it? No, no, no... heads, heads, heads!
(Ross gets down like all the other mothers, cradled in Susans lap like all the other fathers.)
(Forgetting herself, Susan does the "Mommy" action with Ross.)
(Ross comes out of character to glare into the distance.)
[Scene: Lamaze class, Ross is again on the floor, cradled in Susans lap, but now Carol is cradled in his lap, and she has a pretend baby, on her lap. The teacher is showing her class a video, which is about to end.]
(People start getting up. Ross grabs Carols doll to hold it upside down like a football, slapping it with his other hand.)
Ross: Susan, go deep.
(Susan just glares back, as Rosss inappropriate joke falls flat. Meanwhile, a bubble is about to burst...)
Ross: Carol, honey, shhh, shhh, everythings gonna be alright.
Carol: (screaming at Ross) Oh, what do you know? No one's going up to you and saying, "Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this pot roast through it?"
(Both women gulp in air. Ross looks at his "football," then manipulates the head & limbs back into place, until it resembles what it represents.)
(Ross is staring blankly into space.)
Susan: I mean, thats what this is all about, right? Ross? Ross?
Ross: Im gonna be a father.
Ross: I always knew I was havin a baby, I just never realised the baby was having me.
Ross: Aw, how can you say that? I cant even get Marcel to stop eating the bath mat. How am I gonna raise a kid?
Chandler: You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that, that monkeys and babies are actually different.
[Scene: Monica and Rachels, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Phoebe are sharing a bowl of popcorn, while Monica carefully reads the instruction manual for her television set.]
Ross: No, come on, he doesnt know this stuff. If he knew how you felt.
(Monica and Ross indicate that they mean right now.)
Ross: Are you kidding?
(Joey turns off the lights, and they all leave as Rachel starts to clean up. Ross enters from the bathroom.)
[Time Lapse, Rachel and Ross are watching a TV channel finishes it's broadcast day by playing the national anthem.]
Monica: Ross? Lets go.
Ross: (To Joey) So, you-you think I should go ahead and take this place?
Joey: Maybe, maybe we did a good thing, helping Ross get back on his feet!
[Scene: Carol's Hospital Room, Carol is on the bed, Ross and Susan are at her side.]
(Phoebe laughs, then stops to think about it. Ross enters.)
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Ross is reading what Joey wrote.]
Ross: I-I uh, I got tricked into all those things!
Ross: This guy could be my babys stepfather!
Ross: Hey
(Ross enters)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross and Phoebe have been banished to Ross's place.]
Ross: Wow, Monicas letting other people help decorate her tree! Did someone get her drunk again or?
Monica: No, there is no way! It can not be Ross! (She looks through the window and sees Ross practicing and fumbling around with the pipes.) Unbelievable! Why is your family Scottish?!
[Scene: Ross and Rachels apartment, Rachel is unpacking as the phone rings.]
Ross: Hi Janine!
Ross: Im sorry you lost your money, but I won it fair and square.
Ross: Are you serious?
Ross: I dont know! Just-just talk to him-entertain him and keep him alive.
Ross: Oh, well you see how it works is, the part with Dick Clark in Times Square is actually live, but they tape some of the party stuff ahead of time. Yeah, not a lot of people know that.
Ross: Bye Janine!
Ross: Come on, Pheebs lay off him.
Ross: Oh my God!
Ross: It was a dry day.
Ross: Come on, would you grow up? Its no big deal.
Ross: Got it!
Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?
RACH: Ross, Chandler wrote something about me on his computer and he won't let me see.
Ross: Right.
Ross: Look, were down to just one point. Could we please, maybe just settle it after the wedding.
Ross: Yeah!
Ross: Hey, I'm more cop than you two!
Ross: I don't know. It's just not the same without Mom in the kitchen.
Ross: We know!
Ross: Okay.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Monica, and Ross are there.]
Ross: Peach pit.
Ross: Monica! (Pause) Would it?
Ross: Beef in a dessert?! I- no no no, there is no way!
Ross: The routine!
Ross: How was I supposed to know wed end up being friends after college, let alone you-you would be living with my sister?
Ross: Well, hello, Mrs. Ross! (Throws some rice.)
Ross: You think?! God, I, ah, Im in hell. I mean what, what am I gonna do? Rachels all like, I love you and, and lets work on this. And all I can think about is, What is she gonna do? What is she gonna say? when I tell her what I did.
ROSS: [doorbell buzzes] That's, that's Julie. Ju... Julie, Julie. [talks on intercom] Hi Julie.
Ross: That's right, sex is off the table. (The door starts to open behind him and Dr. Green emerges) I am never having sex with you again. (Rachel stays quiet and after a few moments Ross realizes what has happened. He turns abruptly) Dr. Green, are you feeling better? (Rachel's dad glares at him with a deadly look)
Ross: No!
Monica: Ross, I think we should stick to the routine, we dont wanna look stupid!
Ross: Okay, I'm the baby. (Points at his eye.)
Ross: Really. It's always been you, Rach.
Ross: Yeah, but you were the one who got him back, y'know? You, you were great. ...Hey, we uh, we still have that, uh, that bottle of wine. You in the mood for, uh, something grape?
Ross: All right, it's time for the story of Hanukkah. Years and years ago, there were these people called the Maccabees.
Caitlin: I'm gonna try. (Walks away and Ross closes the door.)
Ross: Uh, oh-ho bye.
Ross: God, I don't believe this. She could be giving birth in the cab.
Rachel: (laughs) I cannot believe Ross is buying this!
Ross: W-What was the one right before bananas?
Ross: Uhh, not much. You guys want to see a movie tonight?
[Cut to Chandler and Joey's, Ross is seen throwing the ball into the bathroom, presumably where Joey is currently using the facilities.]
Ross: You know what, you can go, I just have to fill out some forms. (Tries to hold the pen but cant)
Ross: (to the guard) Dont sweat it, Ive got this section covered. Yeah, in fact Ive got this little baby (Turns on a mini-flashlight) to shine in peoples eye(The guard walks away)Okay, see you later.
Ross: Hey!
Ross: What kind of problem?
Ross: You kissed her.
Ross: Please, he refers to me as wethead.
Ross: And that's why, no matter what mommy says, we really were on a break. (baby talk) Yes we were! Yes we were! (picks Emma up) Come here gorgeous. (puts her on his knees and talks to her) Oh! Look at you! You are the cutest little baby ever! You're just a... a little bitty baby, you know that? But you've got... (in a softer voice) You've got big beautiful eyes... Yes you do... and a... and a big round belly. (emphasises the B's) Big baby butt! I like big butts. (raps) I like big butts and I cannot lie / you other brothers can't deny / when a girl walks in with an itty, bitty, waist / and a round thing in your face you get...(Emma laughs) Oh my God, Emma... you're laughing! Oh my God, you've never done that before, have you? You never done that before... Daddy made you laugh, huh? Well, daddy and Sir Mix Alot... What? What? You... you wanna hear some more? Uhm...(raps) My anaconda don't want none / unless you got buns hon... (Emma laughs again and Ross looks worried) I'm a terrible father!
Ross: Why does anyone have to be naked?
Ross: Phoebe! I can't believe you gave them money! I thought you agreed it was totally unreasonable that they asked me for that money!
Ross: All right, see you guys. (starts to leave)
Rachel: Well, is Ross home? Maybe Ill just call him to see if hes actually seen her.
(Ross and Rachel enter.)
Ross: It's all working out! Me & Charlie, and you two. You know what we should do?
Ross: (Reading letters) Oh God. (To Marcel) We didn't get into Scranton. (To the others) That was like our safety zoo. They take like dogs and cows. See? I don't know who this is harder on, me or him.
Ross: What? Oh! I gotta tell you, I-I wasnt expecting to like her at all, I mean I actually wasnt expecting to like anyone right now, but shes really terrific.
Ross: Okay, now hold on. Joey, why, why can't you just wear the underwear you're wearing now?
(Ross and Julie exit)
Ross: Yeah. You can help me get my furniture back from Gunther.
Ross: Hey!
Ross: You like it?
Ross: Well, Im not going to go now anyway (he goes to sit down).
Ross: Why did you do that?
Ross: Hey!
Ross: You know that girl I told you about who lives up in Poughkeepsie?
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are sitting on the couch and Ross is talking to Rachels, who is now showing, stomach.]
(Just as they are about to pull away, a big, fat, bald guy pulls up in the exact same car as Ross and stops next to him.)
Ross: Rachel, come on. Give us a chance.
Ross: I'd like to return this couch. I'm not satisfied with it.
[The Gellers glare at Ross.]
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are watching a movie.]
Ross: Oh, come on! Rach, it's-it's not that bad.
Phoebe: oh, well, Ross probably has it, you can get it from him later.
Ross: We said it was only going to be two weeks, yknow?
Ross: (flailing arms in protest) Oh, hey hey hey, ho ho ho, hello, guy who doesn't want to know, standing right here!
Ross: 10 seconds, you need this or you lose the game.
Ross: (runs out of cards) We need more cards.
Ross: (glaring at Rachel) Fascinating.
Ross: All right, Ill do it.
Ross: She does want to.
MONICA: Chandler could you at least send some women to my party? [buzzer goes off] Alright that's Ross.