words in movies
[Scene: A wintry February day in New York City, snowplows are clearing the streets. Inside Central Perk, all three girls are paying court to Ross.]
Ross: I dont know whether hes testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control. But, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine, "supposedly" by accident.
Ross: And then, like three days in a row he got to the newspaper before I did, and peed all over the crossword.
Ross: Oh, Pheebs, Im sorry, Ive got to go. Ive got Lamaze class.
Ross: No, Susans gonna be there too. Weve got dads, weve got lesbians, the whole parenting team.
Ross: No, no. (Distractedly putting on a jacket to go out) I mean, it mighta been at first, but by now I, I think Im pretty comfortable with the whole situation.
Monica: Ross, thats my jacket.
Ross: I know.
(Rachel grins as Ross removes the girlie jacket, grabs his own, and rushes out.)
[Scene: The Lamaze class, several couples and one trio sit on the floor, introducing themselves to the teacher, whos got as far as a woman sitting next to Ross, Carol, and Susan.]
Ross: Hi, um, Im err, (has to clear his throat) Im Ross Geller, and err ah... (pats Carols bulge) ..thats, thats my boy in there, and uh, (points) this is Carol Willick, and this... is Susan Bunch. Susan is um Carols, just, com... (embarrassment finally overwhelms the poor fellow, who becomes incoherent until) ..whos next?
Ross: Susan is Carols, Carols, Carols, friend...
Ross: Like buddies.
Ross: You know how close women can get.
Ross: Although I was married to her.
Ross: Err, right.
Ross: A little.
Ross: Absolutely. (Turns back to the woman next to him.) So, twins... hah! Thats like two births. (He struggles again.) Ouch.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler, and the girls are dividing some Chinese takeout, while the sitcom Family Matters is playing on the TV.]
Ross: It doesnt matter. You dont dip your pen in the company ink.
Monica: Ross, your little creatures got the remote again.
Ross: Marcel, Marcel, give Rossie the remote. Marcel. Marcel, you give Rossie the remote right now... Marce... you give Rossie the remote...
Ross: Relax, Ill fix it.
Ross: (looking at the remote) How did he do this?
Chandler: Yeah, listen. Okay, before you do anything Joey-like, you might wanna run it by err... (he indicates Phoebe, who is helping Ross understand the remote control.)
(He happily gestures at Chandler that there was nothing to worry about, then exits. Rachel and Monica are concerned for poor Phoebe, who slides back down next to Ross.)
Ross: You okay?
Ross: You wanna watch Laverne y Shirley?
(The sitcom begins with its familiar refrain, yet with a Latin lilt. Rachel and Monica do a little dance with their chopsticks, and Phoebe has to grin as Ross joins in the rhythm.)
[Scene: Lamaze class. Susan is there. Each couple has a doll, for they have just finished learning how to change a diaper. As Ross rushes in, stepping on the Rostins pretend baby, squashing its head flat. It bleats, in protest. He performs emergency surgery, then hands the doll back to J.C.]
Ross: Sorry.
Ross: Hi. Sorry Im late. Wheres, wheres Carol?
Ross: No... No... No. I think I should stay, I think we should both know whats going on.
(Ross and Susan each gesture for the other to lie down.)
Ross and Susan: What? What? What?
Ross: Okay, Im gonna play my sperm card one more time.
Ross: I see. So what do you propose to do?
Ross: Flip me for it? No, no, no... heads, heads, heads!
(Ross gets down like all the other mothers, cradled in Susans lap like all the other fathers.)
(Forgetting herself, Susan does the "Mommy" action with Ross.)
(Ross comes out of character to glare into the distance.)
[Scene: Lamaze class, Ross is again on the floor, cradled in Susans lap, but now Carol is cradled in his lap, and she has a pretend baby, on her lap. The teacher is showing her class a video, which is about to end.]
(People start getting up. Ross grabs Carols doll to hold it upside down like a football, slapping it with his other hand.)
Ross: Susan, go deep.
(Susan just glares back, as Rosss inappropriate joke falls flat. Meanwhile, a bubble is about to burst...)
Ross: Carol, honey, shhh, shhh, everythings gonna be alright.
Carol: (screaming at Ross) Oh, what do you know? No one's going up to you and saying, "Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this pot roast through it?"
(Both women gulp in air. Ross looks at his "football," then manipulates the head & limbs back into place, until it resembles what it represents.)
(Ross is staring blankly into space.)
Susan: I mean, thats what this is all about, right? Ross? Ross?
Ross: Im gonna be a father.
Ross: I always knew I was havin a baby, I just never realised the baby was having me.
Ross: Aw, how can you say that? I cant even get Marcel to stop eating the bath mat. How am I gonna raise a kid?
Chandler: You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that, that monkeys and babies are actually different.
[Scene: Monica and Rachels, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Phoebe are sharing a bowl of popcorn, while Monica carefully reads the instruction manual for her television set.]
Ross: No, come on, he doesnt know this stuff. If he knew how you felt.
(Monica and Ross indicate that they mean right now.)
(Ross comes back from bathroom.)
Ross: So I asked Emily if she would come to New York, and she said yes.
Ross: Yeah. Yeah. Yes, this place is beautiful. Emilys parents got married here.
Ross: Soon hell be able to call you, that lady he knew who got fired.
Ross: Oh, that is so sweet.(listens) No, no, ok, you hang up. Ok, ok, one, two, three.(He doesn't hang up and motions for Rachel to be quiet.) Well you didn't hang up either.
Ross: I think this is it. I don't know, maybe we should keep looking.
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Joey is telling Ross how he didn't get the part.]
(Chandler goes into the bathroom, closes the door, and then opens it again right away. Ross looks up and hands him the toilet paper Ross already packed.)
Rachel: Well, thats a lot better than Ross trying to kiss me in High School, and saying that he did it because he needed chapstick.
Joey: Because... look, no one wants this to happen more than me, ok? (in a trembling voice) I have gone over this moment in my head a hundred times and not once did I ever say no! (sighs) I couldn't do it to Ross!
Ross: Damnit! I'll put a candle on the cake.
Ross: Oh Im, Im making this too hard. Okay, what do you want me to do.
Rachel: Ross! I think she is trying to make something happen with you to get back at me!
[Ross holds up the blouse. It is extremely tacky, with sewn-on medals hanging off of it.]
Ross: Absolutely. (Very Squeaky.) I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, (deep voice) I'm fine. I'm not saying I wasn't a little surprised to see you guys kissing. I mean, at first I was like.. (Screams.) But now that I've had time to absorb it; Lovin' this.
Ross: (sets Ben down) Well, it's not for sure but umm, we met this guy in the park who thought Ben was really cute--y'know, which he is--so umm anyhoo, he uh, he gave us his card and told us to bring him down for this commercial he's auditioning.
ROSS: What? You have a date? Who with?
(Ross gives Phoebe a dollar.)
(Ross just stands in the doorway, for like a minute Ahh! Whats going to happen next??!!! I cant make it all the way through the Olympics!!!)
Ross: And I can even understand that you couldnt tell Rachel, but why couldnt you tell me, huh? You had all day to and you didnt.
ROSS: So, uh, does it do anything, you know, special?
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's room, they've pretty much consumed the entire mini-bar. Needless to say, they're feeling no pain and are still playing blackjack.]
Ross: Now, if you need to stay late, I want to be supportive of that.
Ross: WhatYoure not serious. I mean shes a very nice woman, but there is no way we can take eight weeks of her. Shell drive us totally crazy.
Ross: (finding the part) (looks up in disgust) It so does not!!!
[Scene: A Brown Bird meeting, Ross is there with the other Brown Birds to see who won the contest.]
Ross: (stops) I justyknowI-I just have oneRachel?!
ROSS: Hey, tell me again, what do I do when Mr. Roper calls?
Ross: Hey! Hey! Hey! I get to choose my best man, and I want both you guys.
Ross: No, its my joke, its mine. You can call them, theyll tell you.
(Rachel laughs and Ross mocks her.)
Ross: Well, I kinda half to. I mean, because the thing is
Ross: Yeah, I know, so what? I mean, whos-whos to say? Does that me we-we cant do it? Look, huh, I was with Carol for four years before we got married and I wound up divorced from a pregnant lesbian. I mean, this, this makes sense for us. Come on! I mean, on our first date we ended up spending the whole weekend in Vermont! I mean, last night I got my ear pierced! Me! This feels right. Doesnt it?
Ross: Hey, I can handle it! All right?
Joey: Ross has some big thing to tell everyone.
Ross: Chandler!!! Chandler!!! (He opens the door to the apartment but is stopped by the chain; Chandler and Monica quickly stop making out and try to get dressed.) Chandler, I saw what you were doing through the window! Chandler, I saw what you were doing to my sister! Now get out here!
Monica: I cant do it! (Ross falls into Monicas room)
Monica: Yknow dad, Chandler is one of Rosss very best friends!
Ross: No, of course not! (Thinks) ...Yeah, yeah, it is.
Ross: Really?! So what would you say Pheebs? Stuff like uh, "Keep your mitts off my grub?"
Ross: Nothing, nothing. Lee-lo, the laundry's done.
(Phoebe tries to give her phone to Ross, but he won't take it. He mouths "no.")
Phoebe: All right. We're gonna take Clunkers to Rosss. We'll be back in a minute. (Gets up with Monica to do so.)
Ross: (entering, with the rest of the gang) What's going on?
Ross: Good. Maybe he can switch it back.
ROSS: How come it's not mixing with the water?
Ross: First of all, I'm not losing...
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Ross is telling Monica and Joey about his date with Elizabeth.]
Ross: So I guess you bought that book after we broke up huh?
Ross: (to Ben) I know, I know. Everybody, there's someone I'd like you to meet. Yeah. This is Ben. Ben, this is everybody.
Joey: It wasnt my ring! Its Rosss ring! Thats why I felt so bad Rach, because he was going to propose.
Ross: Look, I-I drew a sketch about how we're gonna do it. (Showing them) Okay Rach, (points to the sketch) that's you. That's the couch. (Points again.)
Rachel: Oh, I so wanted Ross to know first, but Im so relieved you guys know.
Ross: The eyes did still sparkle.
Ross: I'm just, I'm just glad I didn't miss my daughter's first words (goes back to checking the tickets).
ROSS: You know, you know, actually it's getting better. It is. It is. Let's not go. Anyone for Thcrabble?
Ross: That must be our alcohol and beers! (Gets up to answer it.)
Ross: All right, I'm coming out. Hey, can you turn the lights off.
Ross: I don't know, but I.. Look, even if she shoots me down, at least I won't spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened. Where - where is my coat?!
Rachel: Oh, really, well Ross, you know what? I am a big girl. I don't need someone telling me what is best for me.
Ross first has a look of 'huh' then changes it to sarcastic happy: Thank you Amy.
Rachel: (on phone) Excuse me, Im sorry, Im gonna have to call you back, Ive got a Schemp in my office. (hangs up) (to Ross) What are you doing?
Ross: No you doy'know what, youre not gonna suck me into this.
[Scene: The Airport, Carol and Ross are waiting for Emily and Susan to deplane. A gorgeous woman walks by and they both turn to watch her go.]
Ross: I am a good kisser.
Ross: No! No! Oh my God. Did she get off the plane? Did she get off the plane?
(At that Ross plugs in some Christmas lights to light the place up.)
Rachel: Oh, great! Well, then I'm gonna take Emma to see him. I wonder why Ross said that he died.
Ross: Listen man, uh, I'm sorry the audition didn't go so well.
(He closes the door and turns to see Ross glaring at him.)
Ross: Um, Monica and I arent supposed to play football.
Ross: Pheebs, if you dont tell him, soon hes gonna be married, and then youre gonna hate yourself.
Ross: So I dont wanna be just anybody.
Ross: Then talk to him! He might be fine with it.
Ross: Yes! No-no! I know, I know what the list is! Mom! Look if you see Chandler, could you just let him know Im looking for him?
(Ross enters with a gift for the baby.)
Phoebe: All right well lets see, Ross is a good father, but Joey has a boatThis is hard!
Ross: Its no surprise that your winning, cause you got to pick first, so you got the better team.
Ross: (they shake hands) Hello, Susan. (To Carol) Good shake. Good shake. So, uh, we're just waiting for...?
Ross: No-no-no, Im saying we-we buy more of this (disposable cameras) at the gift shop, throw our tuxes back on, and take a few pictures. All we have to do is make sure not to get anybody elses faces.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, (And thats the last time for that line, no more Chandler and Joeys or Monica and Rachels, ever!) Joey and Ross are carrying the last table of Rachels. Rachel follows slowly, but is stopped by Monica.]
Monica: All right, so now that Ross knows can you tell us yknow how it happened? I mean, when did it happen? How many times did it happen?
Ross: Hey! Hey! Come on! You can! I know you can do this! Lets go!
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Joey is working.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Ross are doing a crossword, Monica is cooking, and Chandler is still staring at his phone.]
Ross: Okay, okay, fine, youre right. Lets ah, lets take a break, (goes to the door) lets cool off, okay, lets get some frozen yogart, or something.. (opens the door)
Ross: Oh, no, it's no big deal, I mean, if I weren't doing this I'd just, you know, be at the gym working out.
Ross: Monica had such a crush on him. Yeah, she used to kiss his poster every night before she went to bed.
Ross: I know, it's crazy! We were just pushing Ben on the swings
(Rachel heads for Joey and Chandler's and Phoebe heads for the kitchen to find Ross.)
Ross: Hey, I brought the camera for Emma's video.
Ross: Yes, that's what I have. It's not on the board.
Ross: (to Monica) So, uh, Jules tells me you guys are going shopping tomorrow?
Phoebe: (running after her) Rach, its gonna be okay! (To Ross and Joey) You guys are the best!
Ross: Which is fine! Because you just turned(Removes two candles from the cake)twenty-eight!
Ross: Okay. (The girls leave.) (to Tommy) So uh, well, this-this is uh, this is awkward.
Ross: No. They swoop in and steal your jackpot.
[Scene: The delivery room, everyone except Rachel is there. Phoebe, Monica, and Ross are holding the babies.]
Joey: What's a matter Ross? What you're nervous about your speech?
Rachel: Theres not gonna be a wedding. Ross and I are not getting married.