words in movies
[Scene: A wintry February day in New York City, snowplows are clearing the streets. Inside Central Perk, all three girls are paying court to Ross.]
Ross: I dont know whether hes testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control. But, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine, "supposedly" by accident.
Ross: And then, like three days in a row he got to the newspaper before I did, and peed all over the crossword.
Ross: Oh, Pheebs, Im sorry, Ive got to go. Ive got Lamaze class.
Ross: No, Susans gonna be there too. Weve got dads, weve got lesbians, the whole parenting team.
Ross: No, no. (Distractedly putting on a jacket to go out) I mean, it mighta been at first, but by now I, I think Im pretty comfortable with the whole situation.
Monica: Ross, thats my jacket.
Ross: I know.
(Rachel grins as Ross removes the girlie jacket, grabs his own, and rushes out.)
[Scene: The Lamaze class, several couples and one trio sit on the floor, introducing themselves to the teacher, whos got as far as a woman sitting next to Ross, Carol, and Susan.]
Ross: Hi, um, Im err, (has to clear his throat) Im Ross Geller, and err ah... (pats Carols bulge) ..thats, thats my boy in there, and uh, (points) this is Carol Willick, and this... is Susan Bunch. Susan is um Carols, just, com... (embarrassment finally overwhelms the poor fellow, who becomes incoherent until) ..whos next?
Ross: Susan is Carols, Carols, Carols, friend...
Ross: Like buddies.
Ross: You know how close women can get.
Ross: Although I was married to her.
Ross: Err, right.
Ross: A little.
Ross: Absolutely. (Turns back to the woman next to him.) So, twins... hah! Thats like two births. (He struggles again.) Ouch.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler, and the girls are dividing some Chinese takeout, while the sitcom Family Matters is playing on the TV.]
Ross: It doesnt matter. You dont dip your pen in the company ink.
Monica: Ross, your little creatures got the remote again.
Ross: Marcel, Marcel, give Rossie the remote. Marcel. Marcel, you give Rossie the remote right now... Marce... you give Rossie the remote...
Ross: Relax, Ill fix it.
Ross: (looking at the remote) How did he do this?
Chandler: Yeah, listen. Okay, before you do anything Joey-like, you might wanna run it by err... (he indicates Phoebe, who is helping Ross understand the remote control.)
(He happily gestures at Chandler that there was nothing to worry about, then exits. Rachel and Monica are concerned for poor Phoebe, who slides back down next to Ross.)
Ross: You okay?
Ross: You wanna watch Laverne y Shirley?
(The sitcom begins with its familiar refrain, yet with a Latin lilt. Rachel and Monica do a little dance with their chopsticks, and Phoebe has to grin as Ross joins in the rhythm.)
[Scene: Lamaze class. Susan is there. Each couple has a doll, for they have just finished learning how to change a diaper. As Ross rushes in, stepping on the Rostins pretend baby, squashing its head flat. It bleats, in protest. He performs emergency surgery, then hands the doll back to J.C.]
Ross: Sorry.
Ross: Hi. Sorry Im late. Wheres, wheres Carol?
Ross: No... No... No. I think I should stay, I think we should both know whats going on.
(Ross and Susan each gesture for the other to lie down.)
Ross and Susan: What? What? What?
Ross: Okay, Im gonna play my sperm card one more time.
Ross: I see. So what do you propose to do?
Ross: Flip me for it? No, no, no... heads, heads, heads!
(Ross gets down like all the other mothers, cradled in Susans lap like all the other fathers.)
(Forgetting herself, Susan does the "Mommy" action with Ross.)
(Ross comes out of character to glare into the distance.)
[Scene: Lamaze class, Ross is again on the floor, cradled in Susans lap, but now Carol is cradled in his lap, and she has a pretend baby, on her lap. The teacher is showing her class a video, which is about to end.]
(People start getting up. Ross grabs Carols doll to hold it upside down like a football, slapping it with his other hand.)
Ross: Susan, go deep.
(Susan just glares back, as Rosss inappropriate joke falls flat. Meanwhile, a bubble is about to burst...)
Ross: Carol, honey, shhh, shhh, everythings gonna be alright.
Carol: (screaming at Ross) Oh, what do you know? No one's going up to you and saying, "Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this pot roast through it?"
(Both women gulp in air. Ross looks at his "football," then manipulates the head & limbs back into place, until it resembles what it represents.)
(Ross is staring blankly into space.)
Susan: I mean, thats what this is all about, right? Ross? Ross?
Ross: Im gonna be a father.
Ross: I always knew I was havin a baby, I just never realised the baby was having me.
Ross: Aw, how can you say that? I cant even get Marcel to stop eating the bath mat. How am I gonna raise a kid?
Chandler: You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that, that monkeys and babies are actually different.
[Scene: Monica and Rachels, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Phoebe are sharing a bowl of popcorn, while Monica carefully reads the instruction manual for her television set.]
Ross: No, come on, he doesnt know this stuff. If he knew how you felt.
(Monica and Ross indicate that they mean right now.)
Ross: Hey!
Ross: What disposable cameras?
Ross: (stopping him) Okay! Okay! Okay. Im sorry. Please, please, you were in Western Europe and?
Ross: Really? Well then tell it to me.
Ross: (sarcastic) Ill try to control myself.
Ross: No! No, I dont dont want to.
Ross: Ill try that.
Ross: Okay! Do you wanna tell the story?!
Chandler: (sighs) Just one more thing. I was so pissed at you that night that I wanted to get back at you. So I thought, who does Ross like the more than anybody?
Ross: Thanks.
Ross: Thanks. And-and hey Joe?
Rachel: Oh Ross!
Ross: Hi!
Ross: Thats less embarrassing, yes. Yes I was.
Ross: Joey! No!
(Ross storms out.)
Ross: Howd did it go?
(In the rooms next door, Joey, Rachel, Ross and Charlie stop kissing and try to understand what the yelling was about. After a while they continue kissing. We're back in Chandler and Monica's room. Monica has some of her own hair stuffed in her mouth by Chandler.)
Ross: Is Rachel here? I gotta talk to her.
Rachel: (entering) Hey! Is Ross still here?
Joey: I am telling you Ross, she is definitely gonna fall in love with you again! Now, is that what you want?
Ross: Can we, can we just stop for a second? Who said something better would come along, huh? You didn't believe me. I told you everything was gonna work out. (gasps) You know what? This calls for a bottle of Israels finest.
Ross: Forget it, shes destroying it.
Ross: What?!
Ross: Rachel, please
Ross: (on tape) You didnt do it?
Ross: (on tape) Hello! Can I get you anything?
Ross: (on tape) So we we both wanted to.
Ross: About about sex? (Joey looks at him confused) That I hadnt had sex in months?
(A woman walks by and smiles at Rosss hair.)
Ross: Aw come on, Mona Lisa?
Ross: Hi.
Phoebe: Oh, you came on to Ross!
ROSS: Ok. I'll see ya later. Just think about it, ok.
Ross: Ive never walked down the aisle knowing it cant end in divorce.
Ross: Ah .
Ross: Good luck.
(Ross pushes play.)
Ross: Oh, oh there go the clothes.
Ross and Rachel: Ah. (Pause) Oh.
Ross: I have been working out.
Ross: Six months Rachel, six months.
Ross: No!
Ross: Oh no!
Ross: No!!
Ross: No!!!
Ross: It used to be. Now she doesnt really have a face. Smokin body though.
Ross: Oh no!!
Ross: Oh thats not pretty.
Ross: Rach, c�mon, Emma is fine. You�re turning into an obsessive mother. Okay, you need to stop.
Ross: Yeah, and it was uhm... it was like a real little person laugh too. It was... it was like uhm... (Ross tries to impersonate Emma's laugh, but it comes out very squeaky, very high pitched. He laughs about himself but then looks at Rachel, realises that it sounded weird and straightens his face.) Only... only not creepy.
Ross: Yeah!!
Ross: Yeah!
Rachel: Oh not-not so much. Umm, what-what do you, what do you mean is there something wrong with Ross?
Ross: Oh ah, I think you know where I want to go.
Rachel: Yes, it bothers me Ross, but y'know if he was a regular at the coffee house, Id be serving him sneezers.
Ross: Well, why dont you correct him?
Ross: Five years?! Chandler you have to tell him!
Ross: Chandler Muriel Bing. Boy, your parents never gave you a chance did they?
Joey: (thinking he's kidding) Ok, Ross! It's... It's fun, yeah! No, I-I play Doctor Drake Ramoray.
Ross: There you go. You put on a tuxedo! Now that wasnt so scary, was it?
Ross: Yes it is too slutty! (Joey slams the door before Rachel could hear the entire sentence.)
Ross: Just go for it Chandler.
Ross: (to the second girl) That was very nice Ashley.
ROSS: I didn't get a cat.
(Ross points out Rachel to Chandler and goes over to talk to her. Rachel is checking out her nose in her compact mirror.)
Ross: Now Im so happy.
(Ross grabs the tape and heads for the VCR as Rachel goes over and puts the chain on the door and locks it.)
Nurse: Now, which of you is the father? (Points to Joey and Ross)
Ross: Hey Joe, while youre over there how about another beer for the Ross-A-Tron?
Ross: I think he's been relaxing enough, thanks to you and Fireball.
Ross: Yep, and you know what other holiday is coming up?
Ross: A date?
Ross: Rach? You wanna come?
Ross: You set her up?!
Ross: Joey what-what were you thinking?!
Ross: A date?! Shes-shes got a date?! With who?
Joey: (Shouting after him) Chandler, I didn't kiss her, he did! (To Ross) See what happens when you break the code?
Joey: Hey Kash. Uh hey-hey this is Ross. Ross, this is Kash.
Ross: Hi. I-I hear youre going on a ferry tonight.
Ross: Okay. Have a great time you guys.
Ross: Im so glad youre going on this trip!
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are going over the picture proofs.]
[Cut to another part of the room, Ross is going to talk to Joey.]
Ross: Anyway, umm so I was um, I was hiking
Ross: Books?
Ross: Hey, if thats what you want to do Im not gonna say no.
Joey: Well Ross, what did you think she was gonna do?
[Rachel reaches for Rosss plate]
Ross: Namaste. (Bows.)
Ross: Yeah.
Ross: Both logic and math are taking a serious hit today.
Monica: Really? Okay, so why dont you tell me what happened to Ross Junior year at Disneyland?
Ross: Well, how was the date?
Ross: Oh?
Ross: Hello.
Ross: Ah, he didnt uh, take it so well?
Ross: Uh-huh. What happened?
Ross: Sit down.
Ross: Yeah?