words in movies
[Scene: A wintry February day in New York City, snowplows are clearing the streets. Inside Central Perk, all three girls are paying court to Ross.]
Ross: I dont know whether hes testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control. But, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine, "supposedly" by accident.
Ross: And then, like three days in a row he got to the newspaper before I did, and peed all over the crossword.
Ross: Oh, Pheebs, Im sorry, Ive got to go. Ive got Lamaze class.
Ross: No, Susans gonna be there too. Weve got dads, weve got lesbians, the whole parenting team.
Ross: No, no. (Distractedly putting on a jacket to go out) I mean, it mighta been at first, but by now I, I think Im pretty comfortable with the whole situation.
Monica: Ross, thats my jacket.
Ross: I know.
(Rachel grins as Ross removes the girlie jacket, grabs his own, and rushes out.)
[Scene: The Lamaze class, several couples and one trio sit on the floor, introducing themselves to the teacher, whos got as far as a woman sitting next to Ross, Carol, and Susan.]
Ross: Hi, um, Im err, (has to clear his throat) Im Ross Geller, and err ah... (pats Carols bulge) ..thats, thats my boy in there, and uh, (points) this is Carol Willick, and this... is Susan Bunch. Susan is um Carols, just, com... (embarrassment finally overwhelms the poor fellow, who becomes incoherent until) ..whos next?
Ross: Susan is Carols, Carols, Carols, friend...
Ross: Like buddies.
Ross: You know how close women can get.
Ross: Although I was married to her.
Ross: Err, right.
Ross: A little.
Ross: Absolutely. (Turns back to the woman next to him.) So, twins... hah! Thats like two births. (He struggles again.) Ouch.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler, and the girls are dividing some Chinese takeout, while the sitcom Family Matters is playing on the TV.]
Ross: It doesnt matter. You dont dip your pen in the company ink.
Monica: Ross, your little creatures got the remote again.
Ross: Marcel, Marcel, give Rossie the remote. Marcel. Marcel, you give Rossie the remote right now... Marce... you give Rossie the remote...
Ross: Relax, Ill fix it.
Ross: (looking at the remote) How did he do this?
Chandler: Yeah, listen. Okay, before you do anything Joey-like, you might wanna run it by err... (he indicates Phoebe, who is helping Ross understand the remote control.)
(He happily gestures at Chandler that there was nothing to worry about, then exits. Rachel and Monica are concerned for poor Phoebe, who slides back down next to Ross.)
Ross: You okay?
Ross: You wanna watch Laverne y Shirley?
(The sitcom begins with its familiar refrain, yet with a Latin lilt. Rachel and Monica do a little dance with their chopsticks, and Phoebe has to grin as Ross joins in the rhythm.)
[Scene: Lamaze class. Susan is there. Each couple has a doll, for they have just finished learning how to change a diaper. As Ross rushes in, stepping on the Rostins pretend baby, squashing its head flat. It bleats, in protest. He performs emergency surgery, then hands the doll back to J.C.]
Ross: Sorry.
Ross: Hi. Sorry Im late. Wheres, wheres Carol?
Ross: No... No... No. I think I should stay, I think we should both know whats going on.
(Ross and Susan each gesture for the other to lie down.)
Ross and Susan: What? What? What?
Ross: Okay, Im gonna play my sperm card one more time.
Ross: I see. So what do you propose to do?
Ross: Flip me for it? No, no, no... heads, heads, heads!
(Ross gets down like all the other mothers, cradled in Susans lap like all the other fathers.)
(Forgetting herself, Susan does the "Mommy" action with Ross.)
(Ross comes out of character to glare into the distance.)
[Scene: Lamaze class, Ross is again on the floor, cradled in Susans lap, but now Carol is cradled in his lap, and she has a pretend baby, on her lap. The teacher is showing her class a video, which is about to end.]
(People start getting up. Ross grabs Carols doll to hold it upside down like a football, slapping it with his other hand.)
Ross: Susan, go deep.
(Susan just glares back, as Rosss inappropriate joke falls flat. Meanwhile, a bubble is about to burst...)
Ross: Carol, honey, shhh, shhh, everythings gonna be alright.
Carol: (screaming at Ross) Oh, what do you know? No one's going up to you and saying, "Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this pot roast through it?"
(Both women gulp in air. Ross looks at his "football," then manipulates the head & limbs back into place, until it resembles what it represents.)
(Ross is staring blankly into space.)
Susan: I mean, thats what this is all about, right? Ross? Ross?
Ross: Im gonna be a father.
Ross: I always knew I was havin a baby, I just never realised the baby was having me.
Ross: Aw, how can you say that? I cant even get Marcel to stop eating the bath mat. How am I gonna raise a kid?
Chandler: You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that, that monkeys and babies are actually different.
[Scene: Monica and Rachels, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Phoebe are sharing a bowl of popcorn, while Monica carefully reads the instruction manual for her television set.]
Ross: No, come on, he doesnt know this stuff. If he knew how you felt.
(Monica and Ross indicate that they mean right now.)
Ross: (seeing the thumbs up) Ahhhh!! (Hugs Rachel tighter.)
(Ross looks annoyed hearing that even Dirk's character won a Nobel prize)
Rachel: Oh Ross, come on! You just did what you had to do.
Ross: So, what? That's it?
Ross: Rach, Rach, I am so sorry. I am so-so sorry.
Ross: Oh, thanks. Oh, you're the best. (They hug.)
Rachel: Ross, that was a Halloween costume, unless you would like me to go to this thing as Little Bo Peep.
Monica: Ross, if you dont tell them, then I will!
Ross: Well, I-I gotta go break up with Bonnie.
Ross: Oh... (to the others) Little heads-up would have been nice.
Ross: Hey, hey, hey, that's not the rule and you know it.
Ross: Hey-hey, its valid okay? And Im not the only one who thinks so, Monica agrees with me.
Ross: Hi.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are entering]
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is entering.]
Joey: Ross, you're mayor of the zone.
ROSS: Doctor Burke is sexy?
Ross: What thing?
Ross: So-so come! Why dont you come?
Ross: Joeys asking if youve just ruined the first book hes ever loved that didnt star Jack Nicholson?
Ross: Filming Rachel is not something I planned. Okay look, heres what happened, and Joey you-you can back me up on this. All right, about-about a month and a half ago I came to you with a problem? Umm, a personal thing.
[Scene: The next morning on the street. Ross is dancing along, Singing in the Rain is playing. Two old ladies are sitting on a bench.]
Ross: So Im thinking about asking Rachel out tonight. Y'know maybe play her that song we wrote last week.
Ross: Hey everybody, Pheebs is here!
[Scene: The hotel, Rosss room, Emily is entering.]
Ross: Wait! It was my plan.
[Scene: Elizabeths Dorm Room, Ross is walking up to her door and knocks on it. Suddenly the door opens and Elizabeth drags him into the room.]
Ross: The paper.
Ross: Yeah.
(Ross is stunned.)
Ross: Go ahead.
Ross: Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket.
Ross: I like it, and Emily likes it, and thats what counts. So uh, how are you guys doing?
Charlie: (talking to Ross) I feel like I owe you an explanation. I don't ordinarily go around kissing guys at parties. I'm... well, I'm kind of embarrassed. I really hope you don't think less of me.
Phoebe: Hey! Hey, did you get your invitation to Rosss wedding?
Ross: Why are you laughing?
Ross: Yeah.
Chandler: (to Ross) Na ha ha... (to Chappy) Ne he he... (Ross moves Chappy to Chandler, who quickly backs away) Ah ah...
Ross: Why should Ben step aside? It was his audition in the first place! You-you just tagged along! You're like the uh, tag-a-long dad.
Ross: That is what the thing is.
[Scene: Rosss apartment, Emily has packed as Ross returns.]
Ross: Well, y'know, monogamy can be a, uh, tricky concept. I mean, anthropologically speaking-
Ross: Uh, no, its-its just this person.
Ross: Okay, let's go!
Ross: No thank you for Thank you.
Ross: Juice, I need...
Carol: Ross? That opens my cervix. (He drops it in horror.)
Rachel: No. (Ross is standing in the doorway.) A break from us.
Ross: It's all right.
Ross: (trying to make his disgust into lust) Ah, Cheryl!
Ross: Correct. In what part of her body did Monica get a pencil stuck at age 14?
Ross: Im giving this lecture on erosion theories tomorrow night, I think you should come.
Ross: Hello.
Rachel: Ugh! Get out! Get out! Go! Come on! (Ross gets up and heads for the kitchen.) No! Not in there! Hes in there! (She points Ross to the door next to the kitchen.)
[Ross gets up, pleased with himself and starts to walk past Joey.]
Ross: Hey, where are Monica and Rachel anyway?
Ross: All right, it's cool you can stay here. My parents won't mind.
Ross: Again, it's not that he
Ross: She's gonna be a scientist! (kisses Rachel on the head, very moved)
Ross: Look, I didn't recognize it without that inflatable sheep.
Chandler: (to Ross) Maybe you do that next time you get married!
Ross: And Im sure youre gonna make a big impression. Hi! Im Rachel Green. Its nice to meet you. (He lifts his leg and imitates shaking hands with it, just like how Rachel was trying to pick up the aspirin with her feet.) Come on, you probably have a broken rib!
Phoebe: Yeah, that does make sense. Ok, now, would... would you two (points to Ross and Chandler) like that?
Ross: Breathe! Breathe! Breathe throw the pain.
Ross: Argh!
Ross: So! Poetry? Susans gay! Theyre being gay together!
Ross: I do too! I do too!
Ross: Hey!
Leader: Hi. And batting for Sarah, Ross Geller, 872. Although, it looks like you bought an awful lot of cookies yourself.
Ross: (feeling the fabric) Wow, this is really soft (he looks the price). Three hundred and fifty dollars?
[Cut to Joey's room, his doctor and Ross are there.]
Ross: Oh, you-youre-youre one to talk.
ROSS: That was 14 hours ago.
Ross: You did it, man.
Joey: From now on, its gonna be Joey and Ross, best friends. (They shake hands.) Okay! Were gonna be the new Joey and Chandler.
Ross: What?! (Checks his hair.) Give-give me a brush.
Joey: Yeah? Well look Ross, you don't have to. Okay? It's not your fault I suck. I mean what kind of an actor can't even say, "Hmm, noodle soup." (Nods his head in disgust.)
[Scene: The delivery room, Rachel and Ross are entering.]
[Scene: A street, Ross and Emily are walking home from a date.]
Joey: Okay, you picked the Gimmie card! You get all of Rosss points!
(They all go pack except for Ross.)
Joey: Ross! Way to suck up to the family.
Ross: Hate him? I No, I dont hate him. (Pause) Its just its Rachel, yknow?
Ross: (to the gang, whispering) She's talking.
Ross: (on phone) Hello.
ROSS: Doubtful.
Ross: In London!
Ross: (entering) Hi!
Ross: Whoa, hello, did you just meet Monica?
Ross: She wants me to move to London.
Ross: It could happen.
Ross: We have got to start locking that door!
Ross: Yes, tell me.
Ross: I know. I am, I am so sorry.
Ross: Again, very sorry.
Ross: Emily, there is nothing between Rachel and me. Okay? I love you.
Ross: Oh that is so great! That's
Rachel: Hi! Oh, Ross, dont forget, we have that doctors appointment tomorrow!
Ross: I can't believe you let George Michael slap you.
Ross: I know and I was going to, but I thought it was better that you heard it from Rachels father. Look I I made a mistake, but its only because I really, really like you. Really!