words in movies
Written by: Michael Curtis and Gregory S. Malins Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: The hallway of Rosss building, there is a Brown Bird girl selling cookies, as Ross and Chandler come up the stairs.]
Sarah: So thats two boxes of the Holiday Macaroons. On behalf of the Brown Birds of America, I salute you. (Does the Brown Bird salute, she blows on a bird call, then holds her hand, palm facing out, next to her face, and then waves it like a bird flapping its wings.)
Ross: All right here. Watch me execute the three Ps of championship play. Power. (swings the racquet) Precision. (swings the racquet.) and penache. (does a backswing and hits Sarah whos started up the stairs, knocking her down, they both watch in horror.)
[Scene: Central Perk, the gangs all there discussing the incident.]
Monica: You broke a little girls leg?!!
Chandler: Look out kids, hes coming! (Ross continues to leave with his head down in shame.)
Chandler: Yes. Yes, and ah, ah, the trees are happy too, because for most of them, its the only chance to see New York.
Rachel: Huh. Well, y'know thats actually a really good idea, because that way theyll be closer to the mugs. Y'know what, you should have the other waitresses do that too.
Gunther: They already do. Thats why they call it the tray spot.
Gunther: Its all right. Sweetheart.
[Scene: Sarahs bedroom, her room is decorated with a space motif.]
Sarah: No. The one in Atlantic City, Dad loves the slots. He says hes gonna double the college money my Grandma left me.
Sarah: Could you do me one favor, if its not too much trouble?
Ross: No, please, please, um, its for a poor little girl who wants to go to Spacecamp more than anything in the world.
[Scene: Joeys work, selling Christmas trees.]
Phoebe: Okay. (One of Joeys co-workers, walks by with a dead tree.) Yikes! That one doesnt look very fulfilled.
Joey: Oh, thats, thats ah, one of the old ones, hes just taking it to the back.
Phoebe: Why, do I have a feeling thats not as happy as it sounds? (Joey points out one going into the chipper to her, as this haunty, demonic music starts to play in the background) No! Nooooo!!! (she winces in horror and hides her face against Joeys shoulder, as she sees the tree spit out from the chipper.)
[Scene: Central Perk, all except Phoebe are there, Ross is telling the gang, minus Rachel whos still being retrained, about the different cookie options.]
Joey: All right, Ill take a box of the cream filled Jesuss.
Ross: No, but ah, theres coconut in the Hanukkah Menoreoes. I tell you what, Ill put you down for eight boxes, one for each night.
Monica: All right, Ill take one box of the mint treasures, just one, and thats it. I-I started gaining weight after I joined the Brown Birds. (to Ross) Remember, how Dad bought all my boxes and I ate them all?
Ross: Ah, no Mon, Dad had to buy everyone of your boxes because you ate them all. But ah, y'know Im sure thats not gonna happen this time, why dont I put you down for three of the mint treasures and just a couple of the Rudolphs.
Chandler: Hes right, if you quit this job, you then have motivation to go after a job you really want.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is entering numbers on a calculator as Ross reads off how much hes sold.]
Monica: (comes up and starts looking through Rosss cookie supply) Ross, but me down for another box of the mint treasures, okay. Where, where are the mint treasures?
Monica: No. No, just, just, just a couple more boxes. It-it-its no big deal, all right, Im-Im cool. You gotta help me out with a couple more boxes!
Ross: Okay, the other night I was leaving the museum just as Laser Floyd was letting out of the planetarium, without even trying I sold 50 boxes! Thats when it occurred to me, the key to my success, the munchies. So I ah, started hitting the NYU dorms around midnight. I am selling cookies by the case. They call me: 'Cookie Dude!'
Rachel: Hey-hey-hey thats funny! Your funny Chandler! Your a funny guy! You wanna know what else is really funny?!
Ross: Sweetie, calm down, its gonna be okay.
Rachel: No, its not gonna be okay Ross, tomorrow is my last day, and I dont have a lead. Okay, y'know what, Im just gonna, Im just gonna call Gunther and Im gonna tell him, Im not quitting.
Joey: Only if you think its better than this... (holds up an aerosol can) snow-in-a-can!! I got it at work. Mon, you want me to decorate the window, give it a kind of Christmas lookie.
Joey: Okay, and ah, this one here is a Douglas Fir, now its a little more money, but you get a nicer smell.
Guy: Its-its-its almost dead!
Phoebe: Okay but thats why you have to buy it, so it can fulfil its Christmas destiny, otherwise there gonna throw it into the chipper. Tell him, Joey
Phoebe: Well look no further, (shows her the dead one) this ones yours! Ahhh.
Phoebe: All right y'know what, nevermind! Everyone wants to have a green one! Im sorry, Im sorry, I didnt mean to get so emotional, I guess its just the holidays, its hard.
Girl: Im not gonna tell you! Youre the bad man who broke Sarahs leg.
Ross: Whats a scrud?
Leader: All right girls, and man. Lets see your final tallies. (all the girls raise their hands) Ohhhh, Debbie, (looks at her form) 321 boxes of cookies, (to Debbie) Very nice.
Ross: Thats crap!! Sister Brown Bird. (to Elizabeth) Good going. (does the salute)
Leader: Whos next? (goes over and stands behind Ross, whos feverishly writing on his form, and clears her throat to get his attention.)
Ross: Well, I lost. Some little girl loaned her uniform to her nineteen year old sister, who went down to the U.S.S. Nimitz, and sold over 2,000 boxes.
Chandler: (to Rachel, whos entering) Hey! Howd the interview go?
Ross: Oh, come here sweetie, listen, youre gonna go on like a thousand interviews before you get a job. (she glares at him) Thats not how that was supposed to come out.
Rachel: I cant! Its too late! Terry already hired that girl over there. (points to her) Look at her, shes even got waitress experience. Last night she was teaching everybody how to make napkin.... (starts to cry) swans.
(They start to go into Monica and Rachels, their apartment is filled with all of the old Christmas trees from Joeys work.)
Chandler: Its like Night of the Living Dead Christmas Trees.
All: Thats great! Hey! Excellent!
Rachel: Um, excuse me, everyone. Ah, this is my last night working here, and I ah, just wanted say that I made some really good friends working here, and ah, its just time to move on. (at the counter Gunther starts to cry and runs into the back room) Ah, and no offence to everybody who ah, still works here, you have no idea how good it feels to say that as of this moment I will never have to make coffee again.
[Scene: Rachels new job, Rachels boss is telling her what to do.]
Rachels Boss: Now Mr. Kaplan Sr. likes his coffee strong, so your gonna use two bags instead of one, see. Now pay attention, cause this parts tricky, see some people use filters just once.
[Scene: The hallway between the apartments, Ross is bringing Sarah to Joey and Chandlers.]
Ross: Im, Im sorry you didnt get to go to Spacecamp, and Im hoping that maybe somehow, this may make up for it. Presenting Sarah Tuttles Private Very Special Spacecamp!! (opens the door and Chandler and Joey jump up, their apartment is decorated like outer space, one of the leather chairs is covered in tinfoil.)
(They start shaking the chair likes its flying into outer space. Ross picks up a soccer ball and starts spinning it in his hand and runs around the chair beeping like a satellite. Chandler also starts running around the chair and saying...)
Ross: Oh no! An asteroid! (throws the soccer ball off the back of Joeys head.)
[Scene: Ms. McKennas Office, Chandler enters.]
Ross: Oh! Oh! Shes upside down but shes coming! Shes coming!
Phoebe: No thats what you do when you want to get the truth out of someone.
Phoebe: Hes miserable! What happened to him?
Will: Thats right, The I Hate Rachel Green Club!
[The next one is from Episode 608: The One With Rosss Teeth, Chandler is accusing Joey of becoming less of a man.]
Ross: Yeah thats what she said.
Chandler: Its not a real game! I made it up!
Rachel: Yeah! I dont think youre going to need it though. Okay, check this out. If its a girl, Rain.
[Scene: Ross and Rachels, Ross enters.]
[And with that, we go into another set of clips, this time from Rachels point of view.]
Monica: Hello? (Listens) Oh yes, one minute please. (To Phoebe) Its for you. Its the fire inspector.
Ross: Well, I tell you what. Why dont we uh, why dont we just stay here? Lets not see a movie, well just hang.
Monica: Thats my old dog. He passed away years ago.
Chandler: Ooh! Yes! Okay! Heres what we do, we-we forget it happened.
Joey: I saw this movie once where there was a door and no one knew what was behind it, and when they finally got it open millions and millions and millions of bugs came pouring out and they feasted on human flesh. Yknow it wouldnt kill ya to respect your wifes privacy! (He walks away and into his apartment and looks the door.) Stupid closet full of bugs!
Ross: Ooh. What is the name of Chandlers fathers Las Vegas all-male burlesque?
Ross: Rach, come on, if you think about it, its actually kinda funny. (He laughs, and he laughs alone.) Okay, maybe its best not to think about it.
Chandler: Thats funny, I saw no phlegm.
Chandler: Should we tell Rachel theres an empty private room right next door to hers?
Mr. Heckles: I could be Chandlers new roommate.
Ross: Its a car Monica! Not a rocket ship!
Rachel: Thanks. (Crying) God this is so stupid! (Pause) How could I be upset over something I never had? Its negative?
Phoebe: (still reading the label) Oh my God! This is a six-hour pill! (Checks her watch) Thats it! Im out of the woods! Ohh! What a relief!
Rachel: Theyre having their baby! Its not fair Ross we got here first! Right after you left they wheeled her off into delivery. Oh but not before she gave me a juicy shot of little Jamie just crowning away.
(Ross resumes playing, this time accompanied by Phoebe screeching out Es in tune with Ross. While Phoebe is singing along, Rachel is having a very difficult time keeping a straight face. Thankfully, Ross gives up after a little while.)
Phoebe: Its negative.
Joey: What the hells the matter with you?! This is my favourite jersey.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is getting ready to go to Joeys premiere and Phoebe is still on hold.]
Rachel: No! No, shesShe was nice. I mean, shes a little slutty, but who isnt?
Rachel: Oh thank god, if Phoebe�s going, can we please take Emma home?
Ross: No! No, come on let her sleep! Shes so exhausted.
Ross: Oh yeah its fine. I guess the more muscles you have the more they can spasim out of control.
Monica: Yeah! (They turn to the camera, and Chandler does The Face again.) All right, maybe you dont have to smile. Lets try something else. Lets try umm, try looking sexy.
Bob: I just found out this is Chandlers office! Come on Toby, give me a hand!
Rachel: Well, sure, but they might think its kinda weird considering I dont work there anymore.
Joey: Thursday? But that�s Halloween.
Rachel: Um, Mon, Chandler�s not here.
Ross: Its possible, they have really sharp edges.
Ken: That�s not true. If you don�t wanna smoke �
(They start wrestling, only they are unable to move either ones arm despite a huge strain on their faces and a cheering crowd.)
Emily: I left a bra drying on the shower rod, you dont think your son will think its yours and be horribly traumatised?
Joey: Well, suppose until the babys born I laid off it. No extra animals would die, you-youd just be eating my animals.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel�s. Ross phones, Rachel and Emma are there.]
[Cut to Joey and Rachels, Joey enters and heads for his bedroom. He pushes open the door to find the duck.]
Phoebe: Now I know that they said that the umm, the hair straightener started the fire but I think Im partly at fault. You see, I didnt, I didnt tell you but umm, but I-I had recently refilled the tissues and so yknow lets just face it, thats just kindling! So I think its better that I stay at Joeys.
Monica: Its frightening.
Monica: How can you smoke in this day of age? Do you not seen that ad with a little kid walks to grandpa, it�s chilling.
Joey: Well off the top of my head uhh, maybe shes having her cake and eating it too. You being the cake and Richard being the too. Or!
Phoebe: Rachel, its okay. You dont have to do this. I believe you. All right? Okay, if-if you say that you kissed Melissa, then you kissed Melissa.
[Scene: Outside Ross and Rachel�s.]
Ross: No! No I cant. I mean Rachels out with some guy. My baby went with her. If anything that picture keeps moving further away.
Rachel: I mean I think Id say no to anybody right now. (Hearing this Gunther swoops back to cleaning tables.) Oh, but it was so strange. I mean Im standing there with this charming, cute guy, whos asking me to go out with him, which Im allowed to do, and I felt guilty. Y'know, like Id be cheating on Ross or something.
The Woman: It-its really heavy.
Chandler: Yeah, let�s celebrate life!
Joey: Not a problem. Oh, and just so you know, that guys not going to be bothering you about that baby thing anymore.
Ross: Great. So let�s get going?
Monica: You know what? Let�s not talk.
Mr. Treeger: (coming in from the bathroom) Whoa, hey, that ladys all kinds of naked.
Monica: That�s right, I got mine.
Rachel: Why not? I dont want to do this alone! And hes such a sweet guy and he loves me so much.
Chandler: Yeah, its two guys in a ring, and the rules are: Theyre are no rules.
Joey: Thanks. Thanks, but uh actually its just gonna be me again tonight.
Phoebe: �s a good toast.
Ross: Well, ??? think that�s us?
Joey: Hmm thats weird. I dont remember being in a move called benefits lapsed.
Chandler: What�s the matter with me? Why I�m such a girl?
Phoebe: Of course I can! Its just good sense to backup your backup! Look, Ive already lost Chandler!
Joey: Yeah? I just figured yknow, after living with you itd be an interesting change of pace to have a female roommate, yknow? Someone I can learn from, someone-someone whos different than me. And whats more different than me; a guy whos not 19 than say a girl who is 19? Enh? (Points to his head.) Not just a hat rack my friend!
Joey: That�s the best birthday ever.
Phoebe: (To Joey) Maybe its something you ate?
Woman: No! Its where you put the dirty ones!
Joey: Thats the title! Yeah! Yknow they really lucked out that the initials spell cheese.
Joey: Or maybe, its because youre hanging around here at 11:30 on a Wednesday. (Everybody gets up.)
Phoebe: Oh, I thought this was your party and it turns out its a party for Howard. He's just the sweetest little man! (A guest walks up to her.)
Ross: Well, if whats in the bottle is actually 30. I mean sometimes you get 30, sometimes its-its get 4, and I swear to God more often than not its just milk.
Joey: Oh yeah? All right, lets do it tonight.
Monica: I cant believe her, yknow its justits so typical.
Joey: [It�s just] So spooky, that�s all.
Monica: You only think its stupid because you suck at it.
Rachel: Honey, its going to be okay. Hes been incredibly supportive of me, and if he gets a little upset; thats what the meatball sub is for. (She gives Dina a sandwich wrapped in aluminum foil.)
Phoebe: (angrily) Thats like the tenth time Ive peed since Ive been here!
Rachel: Ok, let’s work from the top down! (Joey nods, but then puzzled because he does not get it) Just work the bra, Joe!
Trudie Styler: Oh no, I know that wouldnt work. My husbands in concert.
Joey: Yep. I just, I just watched her sleep for like hours, just breathing in and breathing out. And then I knew she was dreaming cause, cause her eyes keep going like this. (He closes his eyes and moves them around, kinda like hes been processed by the devil, or something.)
Joey: Come on C.H.E.E.S.E., Im not leaving without you! Try routing your backup source through your primary CPU.
Phoebe: Whats the big deal, yknow? Its not like its a real marriage.
Joey: Thats not what she said last night. (Ross glares at him.)
Phoebe: Its-its not negative, its positive.
Rachel: Yeah, cause thats why you wont get Isabella Rosselini, geography.
Monica: Thats not true, you dont have a moustache.
Joey: Well, when Jake did it I saw that he was wearing womens underwear!
The Waiter: Actually were out of the lobster ravioli. (Putting Joeys menu under his arm.)
Earl: No! Thats just the "Hey Guy" guy. He says that to everybody! Hes the worst! Id like to take him with me!
Joey: Hey. I just saw a woman breast feeding both of her twins at the same time; it is like a freak show up here. (Notices shes wiping her eyes.) Whats the matter?
Uncle Dan: Heres a little something to get you started. (Hands them a check)
Phoebe: Ooh, Joey, thats actually a really good idea!
Phoebe: Oh, its like huge weight has been lifted! Cause look, (reads the side affects) no hair loss, not a rash, no hives, Im just so happy! Because no shortness of breath, no temporary euphoriaOh.
Phoebe: Oh good! Then youre in luck! Bens not my son!
Mrs. Green: Well uh, I dont have a gift because I wasnt invited until the last minute, but thank you so much for bringing that to everyones attention.