words in movies
Written by: Michael Curtis and Gregory S. Malins Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: The hallway of Rosss building, there is a Brown Bird girl selling cookies, as Ross and Chandler come up the stairs.]
Sarah: So thats two boxes of the Holiday Macaroons. On behalf of the Brown Birds of America, I salute you. (Does the Brown Bird salute, she blows on a bird call, then holds her hand, palm facing out, next to her face, and then waves it like a bird flapping its wings.)
Ross: All right here. Watch me execute the three Ps of championship play. Power. (swings the racquet) Precision. (swings the racquet.) and penache. (does a backswing and hits Sarah whos started up the stairs, knocking her down, they both watch in horror.)
[Scene: Central Perk, the gangs all there discussing the incident.]
Monica: You broke a little girls leg?!!
Chandler: Look out kids, hes coming! (Ross continues to leave with his head down in shame.)
Chandler: Yes. Yes, and ah, ah, the trees are happy too, because for most of them, its the only chance to see New York.
Rachel: Huh. Well, y'know thats actually a really good idea, because that way theyll be closer to the mugs. Y'know what, you should have the other waitresses do that too.
Gunther: They already do. Thats why they call it the tray spot.
Gunther: Its all right. Sweetheart.
[Scene: Sarahs bedroom, her room is decorated with a space motif.]
Sarah: No. The one in Atlantic City, Dad loves the slots. He says hes gonna double the college money my Grandma left me.
Sarah: Could you do me one favor, if its not too much trouble?
Ross: No, please, please, um, its for a poor little girl who wants to go to Spacecamp more than anything in the world.
[Scene: Joeys work, selling Christmas trees.]
Phoebe: Okay. (One of Joeys co-workers, walks by with a dead tree.) Yikes! That one doesnt look very fulfilled.
Joey: Oh, thats, thats ah, one of the old ones, hes just taking it to the back.
Phoebe: Why, do I have a feeling thats not as happy as it sounds? (Joey points out one going into the chipper to her, as this haunty, demonic music starts to play in the background) No! Nooooo!!! (she winces in horror and hides her face against Joeys shoulder, as she sees the tree spit out from the chipper.)
[Scene: Central Perk, all except Phoebe are there, Ross is telling the gang, minus Rachel whos still being retrained, about the different cookie options.]
Joey: All right, Ill take a box of the cream filled Jesuss.
Ross: No, but ah, theres coconut in the Hanukkah Menoreoes. I tell you what, Ill put you down for eight boxes, one for each night.
Monica: All right, Ill take one box of the mint treasures, just one, and thats it. I-I started gaining weight after I joined the Brown Birds. (to Ross) Remember, how Dad bought all my boxes and I ate them all?
Ross: Ah, no Mon, Dad had to buy everyone of your boxes because you ate them all. But ah, y'know Im sure thats not gonna happen this time, why dont I put you down for three of the mint treasures and just a couple of the Rudolphs.
Chandler: Hes right, if you quit this job, you then have motivation to go after a job you really want.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is entering numbers on a calculator as Ross reads off how much hes sold.]
Monica: (comes up and starts looking through Rosss cookie supply) Ross, but me down for another box of the mint treasures, okay. Where, where are the mint treasures?
Monica: No. No, just, just, just a couple more boxes. It-it-its no big deal, all right, Im-Im cool. You gotta help me out with a couple more boxes!
Ross: Okay, the other night I was leaving the museum just as Laser Floyd was letting out of the planetarium, without even trying I sold 50 boxes! Thats when it occurred to me, the key to my success, the munchies. So I ah, started hitting the NYU dorms around midnight. I am selling cookies by the case. They call me: 'Cookie Dude!'
Rachel: Hey-hey-hey thats funny! Your funny Chandler! Your a funny guy! You wanna know what else is really funny?!
Ross: Sweetie, calm down, its gonna be okay.
Rachel: No, its not gonna be okay Ross, tomorrow is my last day, and I dont have a lead. Okay, y'know what, Im just gonna, Im just gonna call Gunther and Im gonna tell him, Im not quitting.
Joey: Only if you think its better than this... (holds up an aerosol can) snow-in-a-can!! I got it at work. Mon, you want me to decorate the window, give it a kind of Christmas lookie.
Joey: Okay, and ah, this one here is a Douglas Fir, now its a little more money, but you get a nicer smell.
Guy: Its-its-its almost dead!
Phoebe: Okay but thats why you have to buy it, so it can fulfil its Christmas destiny, otherwise there gonna throw it into the chipper. Tell him, Joey
Phoebe: Well look no further, (shows her the dead one) this ones yours! Ahhh.
Phoebe: All right y'know what, nevermind! Everyone wants to have a green one! Im sorry, Im sorry, I didnt mean to get so emotional, I guess its just the holidays, its hard.
Girl: Im not gonna tell you! Youre the bad man who broke Sarahs leg.
Ross: Whats a scrud?
Leader: All right girls, and man. Lets see your final tallies. (all the girls raise their hands) Ohhhh, Debbie, (looks at her form) 321 boxes of cookies, (to Debbie) Very nice.
Ross: Thats crap!! Sister Brown Bird. (to Elizabeth) Good going. (does the salute)
Leader: Whos next? (goes over and stands behind Ross, whos feverishly writing on his form, and clears her throat to get his attention.)
Ross: Well, I lost. Some little girl loaned her uniform to her nineteen year old sister, who went down to the U.S.S. Nimitz, and sold over 2,000 boxes.
Chandler: (to Rachel, whos entering) Hey! Howd the interview go?
Ross: Oh, come here sweetie, listen, youre gonna go on like a thousand interviews before you get a job. (she glares at him) Thats not how that was supposed to come out.
Rachel: I cant! Its too late! Terry already hired that girl over there. (points to her) Look at her, shes even got waitress experience. Last night she was teaching everybody how to make napkin.... (starts to cry) swans.
(They start to go into Monica and Rachels, their apartment is filled with all of the old Christmas trees from Joeys work.)
Chandler: Its like Night of the Living Dead Christmas Trees.
All: Thats great! Hey! Excellent!
Rachel: Um, excuse me, everyone. Ah, this is my last night working here, and I ah, just wanted say that I made some really good friends working here, and ah, its just time to move on. (at the counter Gunther starts to cry and runs into the back room) Ah, and no offence to everybody who ah, still works here, you have no idea how good it feels to say that as of this moment I will never have to make coffee again.
[Scene: Rachels new job, Rachels boss is telling her what to do.]
Rachels Boss: Now Mr. Kaplan Sr. likes his coffee strong, so your gonna use two bags instead of one, see. Now pay attention, cause this parts tricky, see some people use filters just once.
[Scene: The hallway between the apartments, Ross is bringing Sarah to Joey and Chandlers.]
Ross: Im, Im sorry you didnt get to go to Spacecamp, and Im hoping that maybe somehow, this may make up for it. Presenting Sarah Tuttles Private Very Special Spacecamp!! (opens the door and Chandler and Joey jump up, their apartment is decorated like outer space, one of the leather chairs is covered in tinfoil.)
(They start shaking the chair likes its flying into outer space. Ross picks up a soccer ball and starts spinning it in his hand and runs around the chair beeping like a satellite. Chandler also starts running around the chair and saying...)
Ross: Oh no! An asteroid! (throws the soccer ball off the back of Joeys head.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are admiring Monicas wedding dress.]
(Phoebe throws another jab, and lands it on Joeys nose, causing it to bleed.)
Monica: Well, I�ll tell you what we�re gonna do: We are already late for Phoebe�s birthday dinner, so you point out put out that cigarette, we�re gonna put this fight on hold and go have sex.
Joey: Come on! Look just-just telllet her know that you really want them to be there. Lets not forget, this is a woman that has sent you many lasagnas over the years.
Chandler: I thought I broke Joeys chair! Thats why I replaced it with mine!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebes, Ross is on the phone, as Phoebe is walking by carrying a lamp.]
Joey: Ten. Okay. Now Tag theres such a thing as to many women.
Rachel: Oh wow. Thatyknow what? That is so unfair. Yknow what? Now I want to steal your thunder! Come on Ross, lets go have sex!
Monica: Its gotta be one of a kind. Yknow like umm, yknow uh, whats that God awful ceramic fruit bowl she has on her counter?
Monica: Hes gonna eat the cake!
Monica: Oh, Rach! Rach! Umm hey, could you do me a favor and would talk to Chandlers dad and try to keep him away from Chandlers mom?
Elizabeth: Its a bathing suit?
Tag: Whats up?
Rachel: Yeah, Im doing okay. Im um lets talk.
Ross: Whats the matter? You okay?
Rachel: Yeah, its just yknow
Chandler: Thats great!
Ross: Its ridiculous!
Ross: But-but, if you dont love this, well do it in any other place at any other time. Really, its fine, whatever you want.
Rachel: Umm Pheebs, remember when we were in the coffee house we decided that I was going to keep the uh, the cute guys cell phone?
Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa! You broke Joeys chair?
Joey: Oh-oh! (Shows him whats on the back, "Best Man Joey Tribbiani, with a huge picture of him.)
Monica: It sounds like its coming from across the street.
Chandler: (To Monica) Shes not as pretty as she was when she was 29.
(The cute guys phone rings.)
Phoebe: What?! Thats the first time today!
The Porsche Owner: Hey! Thats my car.
Tag: Come on, lets have some fun. Huh? (To Rachel) What do you want to do today?
Joey: Oh thats great! Oh thank you so much!
Kathy: (on phone) Hey. (listens) Oh no its fine, dont worry about it. (listens) Yeah-no, stop apologizing, its okay. (listens) Yeah! Ill talk to you tomorrow. (hangs up) (to Chandler) I should uh, probably go.
Phoebe: Yes, while I was in the chair! Thats why I take such good care of my teeth now, y'know, its not about oral hygiene, I floss to save lives!
Cecilia: But Well now, nows a different time for me. (Starts to cry.)
Phoebe: Because its my apartment!
Tom: No thats my assistant.
Joey: Yeah-yeah, I noticed that! Is that cause shes so passionate?
Rachel: (screaming) MONICA!!!! MONICA!!!! (Runs to Monicas.)
Cecilia: Well, its nice to know that you
Joey: They sent me todays script! They never send the script!
Phoebe: I dont know. I-I think its still gonna be a while.
Richard: Uh, no! No! Thats art! If it bothers you I can put my art out.
Monica: Oh my God! A friend hes looking at differently, but its wrong. Its Rachel!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is trying to move Joeys chair and not having much luck at it as Joey enters.]
Ross: Whats the matter?
Monica: Honey, theres a reason.
Chandler: Yeah lets head off to work.
Rachel: Oo! Whens her birthday?!
Ben: Whats a virgin?
Kate: Look umm, I, I was, I was just caught up in the moment. Thats all it was. Joey, Im-Im sorry you feel bad, but havent you ever sleep with a women where it meant more to her than it did to you?
Ben: (laughs) Thats a good one.
The Woman From Poughkeepsie: (outside Rosss window) Ross? Ross! (she knocks on the window) Wake up! Ross! (the train starts moving) Ross! Ross!! Ross!!! Ross!!!!
Ross: Okay, each team will answer ten questions. The first team that answers the most questions wins. Okay, the categories are, Fears and Pet Peeves, Ancient History, Literature, and Its All Relative. Now, the coin toss to see who goes first. (He flips the coin and they all watch it hit the table and stop. Then they all look up at him, to see who goes first.) Okay, somebody call it this time.
Joey: Yeah, its this great part, this boxer named Nick. And Im so, so right for it, y'know, hes just like me. Except hes a boxer, and has an evil twin.
Monica: Joey look its really sweet
Chandler: Okay, well tonights the big night.
Chandler: Yknow its funny I started it but, now its scary me. So could you come out here please?
Monica: Yknow, lets face it, Im not a kid anymore! I-I need to be with someone who-who wants the same things that I do! I mean coming to my place of work and telling me that you love me, I want that! Talking about pig sex over lunch, I dont want that!
Monica: Emily has probably been planning it since she was five! Ever since the first time she took a pillowcase and hung it off the back of her head. Thats what we did! We dreamed about the perfect wedding, and the perfect place, with the perfect four-tiered wedding cake (Starting to cry), with the little people on top. (Ross gets thrown a box of Kleenex from the bathroom and he gives her one.) Thanks. But the most important part is that we had the perfect guy who understood just how important all that other stuff was.
Ross: Yes! My babys finally free!
Rachel: I know! I know, its such a huge, life-altering thing.
Chandler: Oh you got a wedding dress? Thats great!
Monica: I thought I was making headway, everyone was smiling at me all day, I get off work and I find out that they wrote this (puts on her chef hat) on my chefs hat. (The hat says Quit, bitch)
Rachel: Whoa-whoa, theres two living rooms? God, growing up here, this place mustve been a real babe magnet.
Rachel: (Reading) Dear losers, do you really think Id hide presents under the couch? P.S. Chandler, I knew theyd break you.
Dina: Im going to keep dating him Mother, and theres nothing you can do about it!
Ross: Oh! Oh my God oh! Oh my God shes here.
[Scene: Earls Office, Earl has his head in his hands as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Really? Theres nothing sexual about this? (Sexily) Oooh. Oo God! Ohh. Ohhhh. Ohh. (Some cute guy is watching closely.) (To him) What are you looking at?! (Pause) I mean hi.
Monica: All right? Whats going on?
Rachel: Uhh, because Im trying to play hard to get. Oh, quick hes looking over here, say something funny.
Phoebe: Yeah, I know. Its a real mustard-tastrophe. Can you help me?
Joey: No its not weird, its a miracle!
Morse: Thats not so good.
(He goes into another room to get his projector and notes. While hes gone, Jill quickly checks her makeup.
Monica: Thats okay, this is more important than fruit (pause) (angrily) on my ceiling! You broke up?!
Monica: Really? (Looks.) My God, hes really cute.
Joey: I guess it couldve been, I didnt really look at it. Yknow, I just wiped it on Chandlers coat and got the hell out of there.
Phoebe: Hes alive! Hes a-live!!!
Rachel: Ohh thats great!
Ross: Lets also get a hot plate!
Rachel: Its just so frustrating! Why doesnt she want my breast?!
Joey: Hey Monica! (Grabs her and pulls her into the living room.) People came to see a fight, lets give em what they came for!
Joey: (opening an envelope) Theres like-theres like 300 bucks in this one!
Ross: Theres this kid in my class who said hes in love with me.
Elizabeth: Ohh, I wouldnt do it in there. Thats my dads bedroom.
Rachel: (starting to move closer to him) Thats right, I wanna do it with you! Ive been trying to fight it, but you just said all the right things.
[Cut to Joey and Rachels table.]
Ross: The Armadillo was actually not so thrilled about that part! Okay Ben, its time to light the Hanukkah candles! (Santa, Superman, Monica, Ben, and the Holiday Armadillo go over to the menorah to light the candles.)
Monica: Its Hexadrin.
Monica: Oh my God! Thats Pete! But why is Bill huggin Pete?
Monica: No, its more like a (sarcastically) good luck.
Rachel: Yeah thats great. But first, wait, talk to me, talk to me. Tell me about your day.
Monica: Thats sounds great, but how are you going to afford it?
Rachel: Okay! Okay wait! You listen to me! You listen to me! Since I have been waiting four women, thats four, one higher than the number of centimeters that I am dilated, have come and gone with their babies! Im next! Its my turn! Its only fair! And if you bring in one woman and she has her baby before me Im going to sue you! Not this hospital, Im going to sue you! And my husband (Points at Ross) hes a lawyer!
Joey: Well, hes not used to women being so forward with him; but uh, I good check with himHe says its okay. (She hands him her card.) Great! Thanks! Bye-bye!
Monica: See? Thats what I mean. I mean that, thats great! But I wouldnt trade in what I have for that. I mean Im gonna be with Chandler for the rest of my life, and thats what makes me happy. (Chandler approaches.) Hey sweetie, come here! Come sit down. Hey Phoebe and I were just talking about how our relationship is deep and meaningful. It really is dont you think?
Lewis: Hes got a girlfriend!
Rachel: Well, Valentines Day was like two weeks ago, so I wouldnt get her a calendar!
[Scene: Rachels Office, shes at her desk while the mailman delivers her mail and calls Tag in.]
Monica: I do! Im a professional chef! (The class gasps.) Oh relax! Its not a courtroom drama!
[Scene: Rachels hotel room, shes waking up with a horrendous hangover.]