words in movies
Aired: 12/12/2002 Written by: Doty Abrams Directed by: Kevin S. Bright Transcribed by: Stephan Hoffmeister
Rachel: (Reading from a tag that's attached to the shoe) "Dear losers, do you really think I'd hide presents under the couch? P.S.: Chandler, I knew they'd break you."
(Phoebe gets up and walks across the hallway, but the door to Chandler and Joeys apartment is shut. She knocks, and anxiously waits for Joey to come, but instead her identical twin sister emerges wearing one of Joeys shirts.)
Monica: No-no-no, no! Its sensual!
Monica: You dont think that umm, (reading) "The chefs Mahi Mahi was awful awful," is bad press?
Ross: (whines "No.") Thats not true!
(The woman groans, moans, grunts, and screams. Chandlers eyes get huge!)
Chandler: I don’t know what you mean, giant talking cigarette! Oh, by the way, Phoebe called just as I was getting into Nancy’s car, so if she asks you, I was at work all day.
Ross: Yeah! Yeah, Emily always wanted to get married in this beautiful place that her parents got married, but its going to be torn down, so I mean, I-I know its crazy, but everything up til now has been so crazy, and I dont know, this just feels right. Yknow?
Ross: Oh my God! Thank you! Thank you so much! (He grabs the ring, kisses it, and then does a double-take realising where its been.)
Chandler: I dont know, its these new shoes, theyre all slippery.
[Flashback to Chandlers thirtieth birthday party. It is also being held in Monica and his apartment. He is about to blow out the candles on his birthday cake.]
Ross: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whats with the tackling?
Rachel: Okay! Okay! Umm, Websters Dictionary defines marriage as (Ross and Joey start writing.) Okay!! Forget that! That sucks!! Okay, never mind! Forget it! Umm, umm, okay, uh I met, I-I met, I met Monica when we were just a couple of six year olds and I became friends with Chandler when he was 25, although he seemed like a six year old.
Ross: Well now lets-lets look at this objectively, I think I should date her
Rachel: Well, do you want to hear what actually happened or Joeys lewd version?
Ross: How would he like to come with me to the Museum of Natural History after everyone else has left, just the two of us, and he can touch anything he wants. (Mr. Zellner looks shocked). I just heard it as you must have heard it and that’s not good. Let me start again. I’m a paleontologist, you’ll be there with us and the touching refers only to bones… fossils!
[Scene: Allesandros, Monica is cooking.]
Phoebe: Ninety percent of a womens pheromones come out the top of her head! Thats why, thats why women are shorter. So that men will fall in love when they hug them! (Ross is staring at her dumbfounded.) Oh come on Ross, youre a scientist.
Chandler: The bath salts! Theyre starting to effervesce! Its different. (Pause) Its interesting.
Phoebe: Grandmas gonna have to get in line.
Rachel: So what do you say we make a pact? If you and I are both single by the time were 40, we get married. I mean, we know each other, we like each other, and weve-weve already slept together so yknow therell be no surprises there! You know what I mean? No like, "Whats that?!"
Ross: No-no-no, a bunch of out of control jackets take over an island. (Makes an unusual sound, then he realises that he still has his jacket on and quickly tries to shake it off, thinking its alive and attacking him.)
Monica: Well if-if thats what it is, then its-its crazy.
Monica: Now everybody knows the basic erogenous zones. (She starts labelling them) You got one, two three, four (Chandler is shocked to find out theres more than three), five, six, and seven!
Chandler: You cant wear that! Im wearing the famous tux! James Bonds tux!
Chandler: Y'know what, I can handle it, handles my middle name. Actually its the ah, middle part of my first name.
Phoebe: Alright you guys, we cant turn on each other, Okay? Thats just what she wants.
[Scene: Ross and Emilys planned wedding place, Monica is dragging Emily in.]
Chandler: Her ass print is still on your grandmothers quilt, do you really want to talk about smoking?
Phoebe: Rifts. Yeah, I know.
Rachel: (pause) He is, isnt he? I dont know, I dont know, I mean maybe its just being here at the beach together or, I dont know. But its like something... (shes interrupted by the sound of Bonnie entering)
Monica: No, no, no, thats Dina.
Supervisor: (walking by and overhearing that) (to the rest of the staff) The new girls good.
Dr. Green: You know whats really good here, the lobster. What do you say shall I just order three.
Ross: Thats right! Made expressly for Val Kilmer and worn by him in the hit film that Batman film he was in.
Ross: No!! Y'know-y'know dont do me any favours. In fact, where, wheres the rest of my stuff?! Huh? Like-like my umm, (picks up a book) Hey, this book is mine!! And-and-and, and that T-shirt you sleep in? Id like that back too. Yes, I do.
Monica: Yeah Joey shes Rachels got this really big work problem, and it is a head scratcher. Wow! (To Chandler) Yknow what, if were gonna make dinner were gonna have to leave. Yeah. (She and Chandler exit.)
Rachel: (notices Jills bags) Jill! Did you shop?!
Monica: Okay, I got that. Ill escape over there. Ill come back over here. All right, come on Ms. Pac-Man. Its gotRight(She dies.) Well, youre just a little bitch, arent you?
Phoebe: Thats a dog, every house should have a dog.
Mr. Geller: Wheres my granddaughter? Ive been practicing my magic tricks.
[Scene: The Midfield Day School, its after school and Ben is taking a drink of water as Phoebe enters.]
Monica: Hey! (she sits down next to him) Its me. Mon-i-ca! Can I just tell you how proud I am of you.
Rachel: Well, I havent seen him since that night that he told me how he yknow I dont know, I think hes avoiding me. Why is that bagel on the floor?
Phoebe: (Philosophically) Oh, thats good.
[Scene: Cousin Frannies Wedding Reception, Ross and Monica are at the door and about to leave.]
Joey: (Hes recorded his voice on the tape) Joeys your best friEnd. You want to make him a cheese sandwich everyday. (he laughs) And you also want to buy him hundreds of dollars worth of pants.
Matthew: Our energy just comes way up when theres an audience here and when that happens, something happens between your brain and your mouth sometimes and it just doesnt, it just doesnt work.
(Phoebe has already hung up, leaving Joey in the dark. So Joey decides to watch some TV and turns on a rerun of Cheers, with the theme song playing. At first, hes happy, but as the song progresses Joey gets depressed and homesick.)
Chandler: So do you think uh, Joeys more charming than me?
Ross: What can I do, she doesnt listen to me about renters insurance either.
Ross: Okay, come on! (blows on the dice) Daddy needs a new pair of electromagnetic microscopes for the Prehistoric Forensics Department! (They all look at him, and he shuts up and rolls the dice.) (he moves his piece) Okay. (reading a card) Take Pinky Tuscadero up to Inspiration Point, collect three cool points!! Yeah! Which gives me five, and lets see who is gonna lose their clothes. Ummmm, I think I pick our strip poker sponsor Mr. Joey Tribianni.
Phoebe: Yeah, no, Im fairly intuitive and psychic. Its a substantial gift.
Ross: Okay. Well, apparently Chandlers angry at us for not getting him a ticket to that Knicks game a couple of weeks ago.
Monica: Oh, Aunt Liddys coming? That means we get five dollars each!
Joey: Uh, why, it’s a... (he picks a book up) one of her favorites, uh, (he reads the title of the book) “Riding the Storm Out. Coping with post-partum depression” eesh! (he puts the book back and picks up another) “Love you forever”. Love you forever. By Robert Munsch. Published by Firefly books. Printed (he pauses and changes the tone to a dramatic one) in Mexico. A mother held her new baby and very slowly rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, and while she held him she sang “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you’ll be”. (the picture fades and Joey is now finishing the book). And while he rocked her, he sang “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you’ll be”.
Rachel: Well, umm, I guess I read Little Women more than once. But I mean thats a classic, whats so great about The Shining?
Chandler: Oh, thats fine! Go with your instincts, go with your instincts.
Phoebe: Well, its a long story. Its kind of embarrassing. Lets just say there was a typographical error with a sex manual. (The guy laughs.) How about you?
Monica: Y'know what, I think we should play a game. I mean come on, its been twelve years.
Joey: Id love to show ya, but I just tucked her in. Shes sleeping. (The women both laugh) Hey uh, would you two girls like to go for a drink? (Just then the same guy with the football dives to make a catch, lands on the car cover, and collapses it. It turns out that Joey set up a bunch of boxes to make it look like a Porsche.)
Phoebe: Ohh! I have! I have! I started making these little sock bunnies! (She takes out a sock thats been made into a bunny with eyes, nose, mouth, whiskers, and two other socks sown onto it for ears.) Oh for crying out loud!
Rachel: Yeah. Its just gonna be too hard. Yknow? I mean, its Ross. How can I watch him get married? Yknow its just, its for the best, yknow it is, its Yknow, plus, somebodys got to stay here with Phoebe! Yknow shes gonna be pretty big by then, and she needs someone to help her tie her shoes; drive her to the hospital in case she goes into labour.
Monica: Thats what you say about porn.
[Scene: Joeys Premiere, Rachel is already there with her date, Tommy who's played by Ben Stiller who will be in There's Something About Mary and Meet The Parents, as Ross and his date, Cailin, arrive.]
Monica: Come on, okay, come on this is for all womankind. Lets kill um!
[Scene: Rosss apartment, Phoebe has moved in and has a massage client on her table shes set up in the living room. Ross enters and is shocked to see a naked man lying on the table.]
Phoebe: Okay, well they are a huge responsibility, especially at this age. They require constant care. They-they need just the right food, and lots and lots of love.
Rachel: Oh, hon can you grab me my other box of tissues? Theyre right on that chair under Rosss coat.
Dr. Long: Its the babys buttock, shes breech.
Chandler: Will you marry me? Will you marry me? (Makes like a gun with his fingers.) Hey, you marry me! (He gives up as Joey, Rachel, Phoebe, and Ross slink in all excited.) Whats going on little elves?
Chandler: Okay. And its not just chicks y'know? Its all kinds of other animals!
Joey: I may have to, I hate to do it, but Im the star! Yknow? Theres a limit to how many sandwiches I can eat off the floor. (His cell phone rings) Excuse me. (Answers it, on phone) Joey Tribbiani.
Rachel: Ooh, I just feel bad, I never vacuum. (She goes into Chandler and Joeys.)
Chandler: Janices birthday is coming up, I want to get her something speacial. Come in here with me.
Joey: Im sure its a famous watering can, okay. But, come on and what is with the really hot stick in the bathroom?
Rachel: Oh, between you telling him that I wanted to have a fling and me putting out on the first dateoh, hes so gonna get the wrong idea.
Phoebe: Because its our thirtieth birthday.
Joey: Actually, y'know its kinda cold, so how about I keep my boxers on, and give you all a peek at the good stuff?
Erin: Im sorry I Its just theres no real spark.
Joey: All right!! Okay, it was like four years ago. Okay, Ginger and I had gone out a few times, and then this one weekend, we went up to her Dads cabin. Just me, her, and her annoying little dog Pepper. Well that night, I cooked this really romantic dinner....
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Rachel: Okay. Okay, see now the one with the feather boa? Thats Dr. Francis. She used to be a man. Oh look! There(Marcel (Katie) jumps away)Okay. (And runs behind her on the back of the couch for a little while.)
Chandler: Thats a mailman! Thats our mailman! (Waves to the mailman) (Sarcastic) Hi. How are ya?
Monica: Oh no-no-no, its only one night a week, and plus I get to take all of you out for a lot of free dinners.
Joey's Co-Star: Apparently your brain transplant was not entirely successful. It seems your body is rejecting Jessicas brain.
Monica: Okay, I think thats it. The seating chart is done. This is our wedding. They all look like theyre having fun dont they?
Phoebe: Well look no further, (shows her the dead one) this ones yours! Ahhh.
Monica: Well, so far I have uh, my brides maids dresses wont get picked up, my veil gets lost, or I dont have my something blue.
(Sergei says something and leans in to kiss her, but just as hes about to....)
Monica: Well he is! Yeah, I mean marriage is all he talks about! My goodness, in fact, Im the one thats making him wait!
Rachel: Oh yeah! Y'know, if its not a headboard, its just not worth it.
Rachel: Okay. (Opens the card and reads it.) Happy birthday Grandma! Its better to be over the hill (starting to cry) then buried under it. (Breaks down as everyone glares at them.) All our love Monica and Chandler. (Crying) Thats funny, yeah!
[Scene: Ross's apartment, his doorbell is ringing and hes running to answer it while doing up his pants.]
Ross: Look, I-I know its not a proposal and I dont know where you are, but with everything thats been going on and with Emma and Ive been feeling
Rachel: Oh, nothing, hes just goofy like that, I actually, hardly notice it anymore.
Ross: Oh yeah, shes-shes amazing. And-and shes so much fun. And! Yknow what? When Im with her, Im fun! I even signed up for helicopter classes. (Chandler is shocked.) Shes leaving in two days, I dont have to do it.
Ross: Oh, come on, every first time mother feels that way. Youllyoure gonna pick it up. (Rachel doesnt believe that.) Hey! You will! Uh look, yknow when you first came to the city? You were this spoiled helpless little girl who-who still used daddys credit card. Do you remember?
(He goes out into the hall and finds a very drunk Monica lying up against Joey and Rachels door.)
The Waiter: Its uh, its already been roasted.
Ross: Im understanding, but lets not get carried away.