words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, its 0-Dark:30, in other words its really, really early. Everyones asleep, and all through the apartments not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. That is except for the chick, who turns out to be a rooster and is crowing in the sun. Needless to say, this awakens Monica and Rachel who rush into their living room, searching for the cause of the sound.]
Rachel: What the hell is that?!! (to Monica) What the hell is that? Is that you? (Monica nods her head no, and Rachel realizes what is making that sound.) Ohhhhhhh! (storms over to Chandler and Joeys with Monica in trail.)
Joey: Its the chick! Shes going through some changes.
Chandler: Well the vet seems to think thats shes becoming a rooster. (The rooster crows.) Were getting a second opinion.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, its later that morning, everybody has gotten up and Ross and Phoebe has joined them for breakfast. Rachel is returning from shopping.]
Rachel: Well, Ive been up since six. Thanks to somebodys dumb-ass rooster.
Phoebe: All right. Im gonna go to the fertility doctor and um, see if Im ready to have Frank and Alices embryo transferred into my uterus.
Joey: Shes mad because I know todays her laundry day and that means shes wearing her old lady underpants.
Joey: Yeah, whats that about?
Chandler: (to Rachel) And you Ross, I believe, if you check Rachels bag you will find a half-eaten box of cookies in there.
Rachel: No! Theres no orange juice in there! We win!!
Chandler: Oh-oh, oh, oh-oh! (Whispers something in Joeys ear.)
Chandler: Well, we used theres up last night making scary faces.
Ross: Oh sure, "Ross will do it!" Its not like he has a job, or a child, or a life of his own.
[Scene: The Doctors office, Dr. Zane is examining Phoebe as Frank and Alice watch.]
Frank: Well, okay, so whats nowgo get, go get the eggs, put em in there.
Phoebe: Thats it! 25 percent? That means thats its like 75 percent chance of no baby at all!
Alice: Sweety, now, shes a woman, not a gumball machine.
Phoebe: Whoa!! Thatokay, thats a lot of pressure on me and my uterus. (to Dr. Zane) So, well okay, so is thereis maybe is there something that I can do yknow just to like help make sure I get pregnant?
Rachel: I know! I know, its such a huge, life-altering thing.
Ross: Okay, each team will answer ten questions. The first team that answers the most questions wins. Okay, the categories are, Fears and Pet Peeves, Ancient History, Literature, and Its All Relative. Now, the coin toss to see who goes first. (He flips the coin and they all watch it hit the table and stop. Then they all look up at him, to see who goes first.) Okay, somebody call it this time.
Ross: Its heads. (The guys celebrate.) Gentlemen, pick your category.
Ross: What is Monicas biggest pet peeve?
Ross: Thats correct. Ladies?
Joey: Its All Relative.
Ross: Every week, the TV Guide comes to Chandler and Joeys apartment. What name appears on the address label?
Rachel: Chandler gets it! Its Chandler Bing!
Chandler: Actually, its Miss Chinandolor Bong.
[Scene: The Doctors office, Phoebe is giving a pep talk to the petrie dish containing the embryos.]
Phoebe: Hello, tiny embryos. Well, Im-Im Phoebe Buffay, hi! Im-Im-Im hoping to be your uterus for the next nine months. You should know, that were doing this for Frank and Alice, who you know, youve been there! Umm, yknow they want you so much, so when you guys get in there, really grab on. Okay, and-and I promise that Ill keep you safe and warm until youre ready to have them take you home, so Oh! And also, umm next time you see me, Im screaming, dont worry, thats whats supposed to happen.
Rachel: (shouting) Its All Relative!!
Ross: Ooh. What is the name of Chandlers fathers Las Vegas all-male burlesque?
Rachel: Okay, so lets play for some pepper! Stop spending my money!
Rachel: Oooohh thats interesting.
Joey: Hey, no way, that roosters family!
Rachel: All right, lets do it.
Ross: You have 30 seconds. And the lightning round beginsstop it (Chandler stops jumping)now. What was Monicas nickname when she was a field hockey goalie?
Joey: Weekend at Bernies.
Chandler: Oh! (Whispers something in Joeys ear and then in Rosss ear.)
Ross: 11, unbelievable 11 is correct. (The guys celebrate.) All right, thats 4 for the guys. Ladies, youre up.
Ross: 30 seconds on the clock. 5 questions wins the game. The lightning round begins now! What is Joeys favorite food?
Ross: Correct. Chandler was how old when he first touched a girls breast?
Ross: Correct! What is Chandler Bings job?
Monica: Its umm, it has something to do with transponding.
Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, hes a transponcetranspondster!
Monica: Thats not even a word! I can get this! I can get this!
Joey: I call Monicas room!
Chandler: You cant just call Monicas room.
(Chandler grunts and turns around, sees that hes in sight of the room, and mouths damn!)
Chandler: Oh, I would never bet this apartment. Its too nice.
Phoebe: Well, freaked. Cause it turns out that the odds are really sucky. And! This is Frank and Alices like only shot. Like, they are literally putting all of their eggs in my basket.
Phoebe: Well the doctor says it takes a couple days, but my bodys always been a little faster than Western medicine.
Rachel: (entering from Chandlers bedroom, I guess, and sees the foosball table.) Oh my God! I cant believe you guys are actually think youre moving in here!
Joey: You cant just ignore the bet! Its a bet! You bet and you bet and if you lose, you lose the bet!
Monica: All right, look, I hate this as much as you, but if it makes you feel better, its all your fault.
Monica: Its only been a couple of hours, so just give it some time.
[Cut too later, the moving process is progressing steadily. Monica is trying to lift a heavy box, as Rachel comes in from Chandlers bedroom.]
Rachel: No! Put that box down! We are not going anywhere! This is my apartment and I like it! This is a girls apartment! That is a boys apartment, its dirty and it smells. This is pretty. Its-its so pretty! And look, and its-its purple! And Im telling you, you with the steady hand, I am not moving, and now I have got the steady hand. (She holds out her hand, which is shaking uncontrollably.)
Rachel: Thats right! You do what the hand says!
(Theres a knock on the door and Monica answers it.)
Frank: Umm, its a lollipop and a uh, a home pregnancy test.
Alice: So umm, you feel like taking a test? Theres only one question.
Phoebe: All right, I will. No, I will. But umm, yknow just remember that its still really early, okay so, if it says that Im not pregnant, that doesnt mean that Im not gonna get pregnant, okay and, and just please, just so I dont go completely nuts, just try not put all your hopes on this.
Rachel: No its not!
Frank: MY SISTERS GONNA HAVE MY BABY!!!!!!!
(She opens a door and they both scream at horror at whats inside of it.)
Joey: Oh, well no problem there. (He picks up the chick, hugs it really tight, and talks to it like its a little baby.)
Rachel: Oh, Ive got big Valentines plans! Ive got my Chinese food on the way, and the rest of your saltwater taffy!
[Scene: Joeys Audition, Joey is being shown in.]
Joey: (very excited) A TV as if it appears from nowhere! Thats the dream! Man, how did you afford this stuff?
Joey: Of course it does! It’s smart! I used the the-saurus!
Dr. Long: taking a long walk, and then theres the one thats proved most effective: sex.
Dr. Roger: Im sorry sweetie, its the hospital. The food looks great, maybe save me some?
Rachel: (on answering machine) Hi, its me. Ive been trying to reach you all night. I feel awful. Please, Ross, you gotta know there is nothing between me and Mark. This whole break-up thing is just stupid.
Rachel: Oh yeah? Did he pull the old (She is waving her hand up and down her face. Shes thinking about the pencil mark.)
Joey: Okay, maybe hes not his best friend, but
Chandler: (to them) Its okay, I got a plan.
Marc: Julies cervix is dilated a seven centimeters, thats about four fingers. The doctor let me feel it myself.
Chandler: Youve got it. (he starts to look at his sisters, but he still doesnt know which one is Mary-Angela.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers bedroom, theyre getting ready.]
Joey: Hey-hey, hold on, this isnt some kind of like girly dance. All right, its like a sport, its manly!
Chandler: Hmm, lets see if it comes up this time. (He looks at his cards and shrugs.)
Joey: Hey guys! Look whos back! Its Ray-ray!
[Cut back to Rachels date.]
[Scene: Rosss Wedding, continued from last season, the Minister is about to marry Ross and Emily.]
Joey: Nah, its okay. Right, Gunther? (Winks at him as if theyre in on a secret together.)
Joey: The skys blue Ross and I had sex yesterday!
Joey: Remoray. Its Portuguese. We need that information; Im a doctor.
[Scene: N.Y.U, Rosss new class, this time hes actually about to do a lecture.]
Ross: Well, I dont think we are gonna have that problem, but maybe thats just because I am not emotionally unavailable!
[Scene: Rachels birthday, she is coming into the hallway where Joey and Tag are playing with the scooter.]
Rachel: (silently) Okay. (Pause) Seriously, breathe louder Ross! Thats great!
Rachel: (entering) Hi! Im so sorry to barge in on your Valentines, but I had to get away from all the yelling. Mona is dumping Ross.
Rachel: (Reading from a tag that's attached to the shoe) "Dear losers, do you really think I'd hide presents under the couch? P.S.: Chandler, I knew they'd break you."
Ross: Oh my God, you guys!! (Hes excited about what he thought happened.)
Monica: Chandler! Hes your father; he should be at the wedding.
Vince: (running over) Whoa! Hey-hey! Whats going on here? Who is this guy?
Monica: Look at me! My big concern is whats real?! (Finally realises) Oh my God. Were really sad, arent we?
Chandler: (pause) Yes. (to Rachel) Okay, theres this one guy, Patrick, I think youre gonna like him, hes really nice, hes funny, hes a swimmer.
Dina: Loosening the saddle on mothers horse was brilliant Fredrick. And the electric fence, inspired.
Chandler: I was asleep. (She takes off her robe and starts to shiver) Oh no! No-no honey! Yknow whats sexy? Layers. Layers are sexy. And blankets are sexy. And oh! Hot water bottles are sexy.
[Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe is exiting Monica and Chandlers, and finds Ursula standing in the hallway smoking.]
[Scene: N.Y.U, Rosss new class, he is entering out of breath.]
Phoebe: No not you, Dr. Drake Remoray. You can ask him questions and see whats he like. People tell doctors everything.
[Scene: Rachels bedroom. Ross and Rachel have just finished consummating the new relationship.]
Ross: Ok, Michelle, it�s time to go.
Ursula: (waving the cigarette in Phoebes face) Its a filthy, disgusting habit and I want you to quit now!
Joey: No Im not. Why would you say that? Thats just mean.
[Scene: Elizabeths Dorm Room, Ross is walking up to her door and knocks on it. Suddenly the door opens and Elizabeth drags him into the room.]
Ross: Rach, she’s got like three hairs!
Phoebe: Yes! A friend of mine did it and its totally legal!
Monica: Oh my God! Thats great! Oh wow! (Hugs him.) Youre a published writer! I wish I had a present for you!
[Scene: Rachels office, Rachel is confronting Joanna about her interview.]
[Cut to Phoebe in Rosss new apartment looking at Monica and Chandler and what theyre about to do in The One Where Everybody Finds Out.]
Ursula: Yea-huh! Thats what is says on my birth certificate.
Chandler: Yeah, she was at Rockefeller Center skating with her husband, she looked so happy. I almost feel bad for whipping that kids pretzel at them.
[Scene: Inside Joeys Premiere, he is intently watching the movie.]
[Scene: Rachels Room, Ross is entering.]
Phoebe: Um-hmm, thats good to know. But lets stop focusing on what you dont do, and start focusing on what you do do.
Ross: Yes. Yes. Dont worry. Everythings fine. Well uh, well see you tomorrow at the wedding.
Joey: Thats her! Okay, come on! (They go over and open the door.)
Rachel: Oh no-no, no! Its good! Its all good! I-I actually work at Ralph Lauren!
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch still staring at the screen.]
(Ross angrily throws the kit into one of Monicas new boxes.)
Chandler: Yes, but theres two in martini, soo everybody back to my office.
Monica: Its out on the island. Its in Massapequa.
Monica: Okay, lets do it. Mom and Dad are gonna be so faced!
(Kathys co-star rips her blouse off and buttons go flying into the audience, and one hits Ross. Chandlers mouth is on the floor.)
Joey: Oh, tell me about it. And shes been on the show forever, its gonna be really hard to fill her shoes.
Joeys Date: Sorry about that, but I couldnt get that lock to work on the door.
Ross: Thats not really porn.
Joey: No! No-no. Look, theres a bug stuck in tar right here. (Bends down to get a closer look.)
Rachel: What?! My moms not gonna be here?!
Emily: Its not the pants. Its you that is backwards. And if, and if you dont understand how important this is to me, well then, perhaps we shouldnt get married at all! (She storms out.)
Ross: I dont know what to say, Im sorry. Though, youre not supposed to take these. (Points to the bone) Its like a million years old, we, we actually, we had people looking for that.
Rachel: (entering) Hey! Whats goin on?
Rachel: Because Im married. Thats right, I am a married woman! And I came to a TV stars apartment to have an affair! Uck!
(Suddenly, theres movement beside her, startling her. Its Ross! He wakes up and they both start screaming in terror. Then they both grab their heads having aggravated their hangovers.)
[Monica rushes over to Chandlers side.]
Monica: Its all everybody at the party could talk about!
Ross: Okay! Okay! Fine, Ill stop! No teaching, okay? Well just watch the pretty light streaking across the sky. (Comets dont streak across the sky, meteors do.) Okay? Whos official name is Bapstein-King.
Ross: Yeah. Look if-if shes gonna end up with somebody else, the truth is she couldnt find a better guy. So
Richard: (To Joey) Are you a little off today? Its going terribly slowly.
Joey: An annulment? Ross! I dont think surgerys the answer here.
Mr. Treeger: Ive looked everywhere. Theres no gas leak.
[Time Lapse: the crowd has left and only Mona, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe are still watching to see who will be able to move the others arm first. An event that has yet to happen.]
Monica: Thats it. Im done. I dont care when the baby comes, no more betting.
Emily: No. Thats not what Im saying. I just may know a few things that might help you inflict some pain.
(He starts to walk to the bathroom and hears the hypnosis tape from Chandlers bedroom.)
Joey: I dont know! Its not like its porn! This is a serious, legitimate movie. Yknow? And the nudity is really important to the story.
Joey: Hey-hey-hey, if my friend says its time to go, its time to go. (Starts to leave, but comes back for his cookies.)
Phoebe: Oh my God! Youre right! Go! (Monica starts to leave.) Go tell Chandler! Hurry before its too late! Wait no! (Monica stops.) Does this also mean putting out doesnt get you love? (Monica is shocked.)
Monica: Well then somebodys snoozing. Joey, not that this uh should affect you at all, but if you were to pick me, I was planning on wearing a sequined dress, cut down to here. (Points to her stomach just above her belly button.)
Ross: Not her. Yeah, this is someone else I meet, and I-I cant decide between the two of them. Yknow the one from Poughkeepsie, even though shes a two hour train ride away, is really pretty, really smart, and-and a lot of fun. But this other girl, well, she lives right uptown. Yknow shes, well shes-shes just as pretty, I guess shes smart, shes not fun.
Ross: Four percent. Okay. I tip more than that when theres a bug in my food.
Mike: This is the first time hes ever used this product, he's never used this product before, you're gonna see how easy this is to do. (To Kevin) Go ahead. ('Kevin' starts using the product, it is a spout that you jab into a paper milk carton so that you don't have to rip it open.) This works with any milk carton.
Ross: You know, if it�s meant to be, I�ll guess it. Bye, bye.
The Director: Look Joey, theres nothing I can do. Besides, youre probably gonna be out by four anyway. Weve just got one short scene. Its just you and Richard, and God knows hes a pro. Youll be fine. (Walks away and sees Richard entering.) Morning Richard.
Joey: What are they doing out here? The coasts all the way over there. (Points to the coast.)
Woman: OH .MY .GAWD!!! (Uh-huh, its Janice.)
Ross: (continuing) I just found out that Elizabeths dad wants to meet me.
Rachel: Joey, its just a chair! Whats the big deal?
Joey: Yeah, I guess, but whats like heads and whats tails?
Joey: Well thats true. And I am only naked in one scene. Plus it sounds really great. My characters catholic and he falls in love with this Jewish girl. Who run away together and they get caught in this big rainstorm. So we go into this barn and undress each other and hold each other. Its really sweet and-and tender.
Phoebe (sees the cake): oh! Now it’s a party!
Monica: Yes! Maybe its a false positive. Are you sure you peed on the stick right?