words in movies
Joey: The reactors gonna blow in three seconds, were never gonna make it!
Joey: Yeah, youre great! Okay, lets take it from
Joey: Yknow what? I think thats enough for now. Yeah. I dont want to be over rehearsed.
Chandler: (To Joey) So uh, whats this thing youre auditioning for?
Joey: Oh, its a new TV show. Yeah. Im up for the part of Mac Macaveli or "Mac." Yeah, Im a detective and I solve crimes with the help of my robot partner. Hes a, hes a Computerized Humanoid Electronically Enhanced Secret Enforcer or-or "C.H.E.E.S.E."
Rachel: So Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Joey: Thats the title! Yeah! Yknow they really lucked out that the initials spell cheese.
[And with that we go into the save the budget portion of the show, which features flashbacks from previous episodes. The first set of auditions feature high lights or low lights of Joeys acting career. The first flashback is from The One With The Lesbian Wedding.]
[Cut back to Joey about to leave for his audition for Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.]
Ross: Its your turn.
Chandler: Oh thats great!
Joey: Yeah-yeah, its down to me and two other guys.
Joey: And I know both of them, theyre really good. One of them is the guy from those allergy commercials whos always getting chased by those big flowers
Joey: Theres just so much pressure. I mean no offense, but what you guys do is very different. I dont know if youd understand.
[Scene: Bloomingdales, Rachels new job.]
Rachel: (on the phone) Monica, Im quitting! I just helped an 81 year old woman put on a thong and she didnt even buy it! (Pause) Im telling you Im quitting! Thats it! Im talking to my boss right now! (Pause) Yes I am! (Pause) Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Okay bye, call me when you get this message. (Hangs up.)
Joey: I want this part so much! Yknow? If I dont get this part Im never gonna eat Macaroni and Cheese again!No, I didnt say that! Thats a lie.
Chandler: Oh come on guys, its not like I moved to Europe! I just moved across the hall! And we would have you over all the time if it werent for (struggles to get this out) Monicas allergies. (The duck quacks.) Youre right, I could never lie to you. She hates you. (The phone rings.) Should I get that? (Laughs, then answers the phone.) Hello? (Listens) Uh no, Joeys not here right now. Can I take a message? (Listens) Yeah, okay so the audition has been moved from 5:00 to 2:30? (Listens) Okay great. (Listens.) Bye. (Hangs up the phone and goes to write the message on the Magna-Doodle on the door but Monica walks in and forces him to jump out of the way.)
Joey: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) What are you talking about? The auditions not til 5:00! (Chandler suddenly remembers and looks at the unfinished message then tries to sneak over and finish it as Joey listens.) Well, nobody told me! (Listens) Whod you talk to? (Listens and turns around to see Chandler trying to finish the message.) Nevermind! (Hangs up.)
Chandler: Which I bought for ya. Taught ya how to use it. You thought it was a copier. Look, if there was anything I could do, I would do it. Okay? But everybodys allowed one mistake, right?
[Joey just laughs as a third set of flashbacks featuring Chandlers mistakes starts. The first flashback is from The One With The Prom Video. It's Chandler telling Phoebe how much he hates the bracelet Joey bought him. They're both at Central Perk.]
Joey: What?!! Thats even worse!!
Joey: I dont know! But its the same!
[Cut back to Joey and Rachels apartment.]
[Chandler proceeds to point out Joeys errors in this forth set of flashbacks. The first flashback is from The One With The Cat. Chandler has just returned home to see that their apartment has been cleaned out and finds Joey trapped in the entertainment center.]
Rachel: Already? Thats pretty bad what you did.
Rachel: Im sure he will forgive you. Look, we have all been there! Yknow, you fight, you make up, its just the way it works.
Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, its not that common! It doesnt happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!!
Chandler: Joey? Got you a Joey Special, two pizzas! Joe? (The phone rings and he answers it) (On phone) Hello? (Takes the phone away from his mouth when he realizes what he just did and yells.) Damnit! (Back on phone.) Hello? (Listens.) No, Joeys not here right now, but I can take a message I think. (Listens) Hes still got a chance for the part?! Oh, thats great news! (Listens) Well no obviously not for the actor who was mauled by his dog. (Listens) Oh well, thats great. I will give Joey the message. Thank you! (Hangs up and goes to write the message on the Magna-Doodle.) Yes! (Reading what hes writing) Okay, Mac audition at 2:00. Allergy actor attacked. (Pause) By dog not flowers.
Joey: What?! Its 6 oclock!
Chandler: Du-du-I wrote it, I wrote it on the board! I wrote it on the board, then I went all over New York City looking for ya! I went to Rosss! I went to the coffeehouse! I went to any place that they made sandwiches!
Chandler: Well thats good. Because you didnt! And Im incredibly happy for ya!!
Joey: (shocked) Thats mean! You really had me going there!
Joey: Yeah, youre right. Okay look, listen, lets talk about what a huge star Im gonna be!
[What follows is the final set of flashbacks that feature a whole lot of lovin between Chandler and Joey. Theres no words, just hugs and even the kiss from The One With The Monkey. All of this is set to the song, Youve Really Got a Hold on Me!]
[Cut back to the present, they are still in each others embrace.]
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey and Phoebe are reading a scene from Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.]
Joey: Come on C.H.E.E.S.E., Im not leaving without you! Try routing your backup source through your primary CPU.
(Suddenly Ross jumps up from behind the counter armed with a plastic gun. By the way, hes overacting too.)
Joey: Yknow what? I think thats enough for today. Thanks for your help! (He grabs their scripts and heads for his room.)
Phoebe: (To Ross) Hes holding us back.
Rachel: Oh but look! Thats gonna leave a stain!
[Scene: Monica and Rachels, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Phoebe are sharing a bowl of popcorn, while Monica carefully reads the instruction manual for her television set.]
Joey: Yeah! I stayed at Kates, but ah, nothing happened. Hey, Pheebs, where were ya?
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, everyone is there and they are finishing watching the first episode of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. Joey is of course Mac.]
Estelle: Joey! Its Estelle! Great news, I was able to get you and one guest tickets to your premiere.
Ross: Id bet Id still be doing my kara-tay. (Thats karate, hes just saying it that way.) Towards the end of our marriage I was doing a lot of kara-tay as a way of releasing the tension from yknow, not doing anything else physical.
[Scene: Rachels office, Tag and her are planning how to get the review back.]
The Porsche Owner: But its my car!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is there and is getting ready to direct a bunch of strippers, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe on what to do in the upcoming orgy of lesbian lust. Yes, its a dream sequence, this isnt cable.]
Rachel: Shes doing it Look, shes breast-feeding look!
Joey: Oh thats terrible. Im-Im really sorry.
(He hear a duck start quacking, and see it waddle into the living room from the bathroom. Joey wants to know whats with the duck.)
Parker: Look! Its the bunny hop!
Rachel: Ross, would you just stop it! Its getting really old.
Ursula: No, I umm, I read about her in Moms suicide note.
Rachel: What? Its true, my right leg is two inches shorter.
Chandler: Maybe its the sound of Ross climbing into my brain and stealing my thoughts.
[Cut to Rachels bedroom, Phoebe and her are entering. And its obvious that shes not packed.]
Chandler: What?! Im Chandler! (She nods towards the doorway, Chandler turns and looks) Oh, thats Richard!
Rachel: No! No, of course not. No. Thats why I brought it up. (Pause) They didnt have any sodas?
Ross: Oh no. Dad! Dad! What (He goes to open one of her boxes and it rips apart.) Oh God everythings ruined! Dad, shes gonna be crushed!
Monica: Yeah-yeah, yknow what? Yeah, thats it-thats it, everything will be mine! Nothing will be yours! Thats-thats what I said! Oh come on, Chandler! Im talking about the barca lounger! It just, it doesnt match! Where is it gonna go?!
Ross: I am so over Janine. I mean, yeah, at first I thought she was hot, but now shes like OLD NEWS!
Monica: Me going out with Richards son.
Rachel: Im sorry, as I was saying the store number is wrong, and Im sorry but thats... (notices a fire that Rosss candle has started) Oh my God!!
Joey: Because its all tainted with your betrayal. From now on this apartment is empty for me! And Im not happy about you either. (The bread maker dings) Oh, and just so you know, I made that bread for you. (Joey walks into his bedroom and slams the door.)
Ross: Joey, its worth finding out. I mean, if you really like her.
Rachel: Okay! (She picks up the phone, Joeys phone number, and starts to dial.) Here we go! Okay! (On phone.) Hi, Joey! Its Rachel! Umm, I am free tomorrow night. Yeah, sure, sure I can bring some sandwiches.
Ross: Ohh, God, nobody likes him, and hes so cheap, hed never fly to London in a million years. Yeah, invite him? Hey, did I do these neat enough? (Hands her some envelopes.)
Rachel: Its not a miracle Joey! Im sure theres some explanation.
Monica: Really! That long?! (Chandler slowly turns and looks at her.) (To Chandler) Look all you want, its happening!
Rachel: Thats-thats great! See? I already feel like I know you a little better! Thank you. Okay, come on. Now we can go eat. Lets go. (Gets up to leave, but Paul doesnt move.)
Tim: I was gonna have Thanksgiving at my girlfriends.
Ross: Hes right, even if its to say something complementary. (He stops and thinks about what he just said.)
Rachel: Look Monica, getting cold feet is very common. Yknow, its-its just because of all the anticipation and you just have to remember that you love Chandler. And also, I ran out on a wedding. You dont get to keep the gifts.
Joey: All right, heres a list of things for you to do today. Man, this going to be so great! Thank you so much! All right, I got to go to work Im delivering twins today, but only one of them is mine! (Exits.)
Joey: Oh wow thats a great idea! And I still have his credit card.
Chandler: I know. See, yes. Thats Yasmine Bleeth, shes a completely different kind of chick. I love you both. But in very different ways.
Phoebe: Oh, Im sorry. Is that annoying? And speaking about being selfish in bed, hows Whitney?
Joanna: Thats fine, actually Im on the hiring committee, so therell be at least one friendly face.
Phoebe: (to Arthur, hes the guy calling 9-1-1) Dumbass!
Joey: Uh listen, heres your Soapie. I accepted it for ya. (Hands it to her.)
Joey: (not quite sure of how to answer that) Well uh, look Ross I uh, I think Carols great and Im sure youre a very attractive man, but I .
Ross: Well, they painted over the word Sapien for one thing, then they rearranged the figures, lets just leave it at that.
Assistant: You got sprayed with two two' s and...
Eric: Okay, I just slapped my future sister-in-laws ass.
Joey: Well, that-that-thats it? Youre gonna, youre gonna put it on your self or anything?
Phoebe: Umm, the street. Come on, lets go to the street. Ooh, listen, dont go onto the balcony until after I get back. (Leaves)
Phoebe: Potato, Potaato. (Shes pronounces potato with the both the short and long As.)
Phoebe-Estelle: It’s a little coincidental, but believable. (Joey nods in agreement). Listen, I’m sure you’re wondering why I didn’t get you an audition for that TV movie.
Monica: Okay. (They kiss.) Okay, I cant wait! This is going to be the best Valentines Day ever! (Chandler giggles and exits.) I cant believe it! Make the presents! Make the presents!
Rachel: Well, you ripped the paper out of the court reporters machine!!
Phoebe: Oh, hey, hey Nick the boxer lets see what you got. All right ya, put em up. Come on. (they start shadow boxing)
Leader: Whos next? (goes over and stands behind Ross, whos feverishly writing on his form, and clears her throat to get his attention.)
Mona's Date: Oh umm, I-I dont know if I want to wear a womans shirt.
Ross: I was having a little chat with ah, Bonnie, and ah, guess what, she-she happened to bring up y'know, who was behind the um, whole head shaving idea, and now, who was it? Oh, thats right, thats right, it was you!
Monica: Yeah. But a part of me also cant wait til its over. Chandler and I have this pact not to have sex again until the wedding.
Paul: And anyhow, Im sorry I was so harsh before, but you have to understand that I (pause) still look at Lizzie like shes a twelve-year-old girl.
[Cut to Chandler entering his and Monicas apartment alight with a thousand candles in The One With The Proposal.]
Jim: Im sorry. Im staring. Its just that you have the most beautiful eyes.
Rachel: Huh. Well, y'know thats actually a really good idea, because that way theyll be closer to the mugs. Y'know what, you should have the other waitresses do that too.
Rachel: Well, heres another question for ya. Uhh, do you know what that silver knob on the toilet does?
Chandler: I dont know if Ive told you this, but hes kinda tried to get in contact with me a lot over the last few years
Guy: (To Phoebe) Oh, excuse me! I think you dropped s (looks at Phoebe.) Wow!
Ross: No, because she hasnt come home yet. And she hasnt been home all night! Shes obviously staying with that other guy, and Im the stupid moron who spent the whole night outside her apartment!
Joey: Oh-ooh-ooh! Yknow whats a good visual aide?
[And with that we start off on a series of clips from the entire history of Ross and Rachel, from Rosss point of view. The first clip is from The Pilot.]
Will: Oh right. All right, its no fat, its no sugar, its no dairy its no good. Throw it out.
Phoebe: Its fine. I mean, this is something that youve been thinking about since you were what, 14? (Shes referring to the Halloween picture.)
[Scene: Casting Director #2s office, Joey is on his second audition. This one is for Purina One Dog Chow, an actual item. Please note the gratuitous product placement.]
Phoebe: Me too. Although this city is my home, so. So thats dumb what I said, dont tell him I said that. Umm, you make something up. (Mischa does so and Sergei kisses her hand.) Nice, (to Mischa) thank you. This is me. Here.
Ross: Hmm-Hmm-Hmm. (Putting his hand up to block his mouth.) Okay. I, uh, am from Long Island. I-I came to the city for college. Um, I, um, have a 5 year old son and in my spare time I like to read spy novels. But, but, lets talk more about you. Hmm.
Chandler: All right look, if you absolutely have to tell her, at least wait until the timings right. And thats what deathbeds are for.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Rachel are still discussing Bobby and Dinas situation.]
Fran: Look, youre cold, I have to pee, and... (indicating the sign) ..theres a cup of coffee on the window. How bad could it be?
Chandler: Yeah, not bad right? You know what, Monicas gonna be working late, so I'm gonna make this place spotless. You know what else I'm gonna do, know what else I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go downstairs, I'm gonna get her some flowers. Now who wouldn't wanna live with me?
Ross: BecDid you not hear me?! Shes an assistant professor in the Linguistics department, okay? Theyre wild! Why do you want to come anyway?
Rachel: Come on Phoebe, look at that! They are not breaking up, look at them. Okay thats, you know what that is? That is a, that is a second date, thats what that is! Look at that, she just put her hand on his thigh...
Ross: (going up to Rachels closed door) Chandler? (He opens the door and looks inside and doesnt see him.) Chandler? (He checks the bathroom and still doesnt find him. He then finds a note on the counter. He picks it up and reads it.)
Rachel: Ill tell ya who should be embarrassed! Its you guys! Come on! This is ridiculous! Thank you very much, but I do not need you to get me a date!
Doug: No, its a wedding ring. You gotta get rid of it. Were gonna go to the East River right now and throw it in there!
Ross: I dont know. I mean I-I guess I could. Its just that we didnt really end things such good terms. And if I go over there Id be ignoring the one thing she asked me to do when we broke up, jump up my own ass and die. (Walks away.)
Phoebe: Whats the big deal? I did it at Monica and Chandlers!
Ross: Yeah, guess so. Whew! Check these out! (Hes looking at the stirrups on the other bed in the room and Rachel groans. Ross then hops into the bed and puts his legs into the stirrups.) Never done this before.
Ross: Yeah, see, I dont think its gonna that difficult considering this one wont be taking place in the basement of a Pizza Hut.
Phoebe: No-no! Thats okay, well just start over. Okay? Hi! Im Phoebe.
Monica: Nothing. Just something I want to get Phoebes opinion on for Valentines Day.
Rachel: I dont know Tag! How can your genitals make phone calls? Okay? Its not a perfect world! Just go please.
Frank: Y'know, I just was finally happy y'know. For the first time in my life! After my Dad left me, and then, and then getting arrested for stealing those birds, and then, and then the whole punctured lung thing! I can, its still really hard to take deep breaths in cold weather, but with Alice all that stuff kinda went away. And now its, and now its gone and I dont know why!
(Monica closes the door and slowly walks into Rachels old and now empty room.)
Ross: Seven years. I mean weve been together seven years, shes the only woman whos ever loved me, and the only woman Ive-Ive ever....
Chandler: (watches Joey for a moment) Okay! (Joey quickly moves the hockey stick so that hes scratching his back with it.) Listen, Im gonna be moving out so you will be in charge of paying the rent.
Ross: Why no, its the opposite of weird. Its-its uh, regular. Its-its uh, its mundane. Its actually uh, a little dull.
Joey: Okay. Okay. Umm Ooh! Oh-oh, I got something. Its this story I came up with, very romantic. I swear any woman that hears it; theyre like putty.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is hosting an impromptu roundtable discussion with Stephanie, Karin, and Meg about Rosss three divorces.]
Rachel: Mom thats okay that you didnt get you a gift!
(Rachel opens the trash chute, winces at the smell, and throws the garbage bag in. She then tries to throw the pizza box in, but since its so big she jams it into the opening and it prevents the door from closing. She then turns around too see Mr. Treeger watching her.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachels, Monica is reading a book as Rachel returns.]
Ross: Oh, thats not true! Ive got her lots of stuff she never took back.
Chandler: Yeah, shes dying Of a cough apparently.