words in movies
[Scene: The Wedding Chapel, continued from last season. Chandler and Monica are about to get married.]
(Suddenly the doors burst open, and ROSS AND RACHEL COME OUT ARM-IN-ARM!!!!! And Rachel's carrying a bouquet!!! THEY GOT MARRIED!!!!)
(They storm out into the street.)
(She goes one way; he goes the other. The camera pans back to Chandler and Monica, and needless to say, they're standing there dumbstruck.)
Phoebe: Okay! Okay! Okay! (They run into the chapel.)
(Phoebe and Joey run back out and head towards the street.)
Attendant: (scolding them) N-No running in the chapel!
Phoebe: Well, maybe you wouldnt have had you (turns to the attendant) run in the chapel!
Phoebe: Whats the big deal, yknow? Its not like its a real marriage.
{Transcibers note: In case you havent heard, Courteney Cox got married to David Arquette during hiatus and changed her name to Courteney Cox Arquette. But David was a busy boy during the off season for not only did he marry but everyone else as well. For theyre all listed as Jennifer Aniston Arquette, Lisa Kudrow Arquette, in an interesting twist Matt LeBlanc Arquette, Matthew Perry Arquette, David Schwimmer Arquette, and even the creators of the show are now David Crane Arquette and Marta Kauffman Arquette. I just wonder what the new sleeping arrangements are }
Rachel: Ohhh! (Looks in the mirror and sees that she still has her mustache and groans.)
Ross: (getting up) Tell me about it. (He sits up on the edge of the bed and has "Just Married" written on his back.)
[Scene: The breakfast buffet, Phoebe is already sitting at the table as Joey enters.]
Joey: I dont want to drive all the way back by myself, I get so lonely. (Gets an idea.) Ohooh! How about you come with me?
Joey: Where is the waitress?! Im starving!
Joey: Oh, heres where I win all my money back! (Gets up and heads for the buffet table with Chandler in tow.)
Joey: Girls say it to me all the time! And believe me, if shes anything like me, shes just gonna be relieved.
[Pan to Monica and Phoebe having the same conversation.]
The Girls: Hey!
Rachel: (To Ross) I dont know. (To the gang.) What do you mean last night? Nothing, nothing uh, happened last night.
Chandler: Well, I think, I think, Ross already has one. Now, this ones free, right? Because you paid for the first two, so the third ones free.
Ross: Laugh it up, but the jokes on you. Because we dont need to get divorced, okay? We were just gonna get an annulment.
Joey: An annulment? Ross! I dont think surgerys the answer here.
Phoebe: Youre thing. Youre thing. Yknow? Youre the guy who gets divorced.
[Scene: The casino floor, Chandler and Monica are walking through it.]
Chandler: So where are we on the whole going back to the place where they have all the marriages thing? I love you.
Monica: Thats a good question. Look umm, last night we let the dice decide. Maybe we should leave it up to fate again. I love you!
Chandler: Yes, we dont get married unless theres a sign! Okay, so say uh, say you roll another eight (motions to the craps table) then theres a definite sign that we should get married.
Monica: Okay. (They approach the craps table.)
(Monica rolls the dice.)
Chandler: Thats right! It was the wrong kind of eight, no wedding! Damnit!
Chandler: Yeah. (They go pack.) Were doing the right thing, right?
Monica: Ohh, of course we are! (They walk up to the elevators.) We left it up to fate. (Pushes the elevator button.) If we were supposed to get married there would be a clear-cut sign. (The elevator door opens to a priest reading from a bible with Chandler and Monica standing side-by-side holding each others hands.)
Phoebe: Well, you promised me a fun road trip! Weve been on the road six hours and youve been asleep for five and a half! We are switching at the next rest stop and you are going to drive all the way back! That will be your punishment, you greedy sleeper!
Phoebe: Yeah! And until then you are going to sing to me because the radios broken and you are selfish but have a nice voice.
[Time lapse, Phoebe is still asleep only Joey is now passed out next to her and the cars still moving. She wakes up, sees Joey, and screams.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is on the couch as Ross enters.]
Ross: Okay, look, how is this gonna affect you? Really? I mean you fill some form out once and a while and instead of checking the box that says Ms you check the box that says Mrs.! Its right next to it!
Rachel: Ohh, okay, Im sorry. Youre right. Yknow what? We absolutely can stay married, because I was under the impression that the boxes were far away from each other. All right, look, just please, take a moment here and think about what youre asking of me.
{Note: Does anyone else want to smack Ross right about now? Raise your hands. Okay, put them down before you stink out the person next to you.}
[Scene: The hallway, Chandler is helping Monica to the door.]
Monica: That kid really kicked me hard on the plane.
Chandler: Well, I told you not to walk. Here. (Picks her up.) There. Okay. (He opens the door, carries her across the threshold, stops, backs out, and lets go of Monica who is only holding on by his neck.)
[Scene: Phoebes cab, shes driving, Joeys in the back seat, and the hitchhiker is riding up front with Phoebe.]
Phoebe: (To Joey) How could you pick up a hitchhiker?! He could be a rape(She holds her hand in front of the hitchhikers face), a rapist or a killer or something!
Phoebe: Yknow what? Im not talking to you! You go back to sleep! (To the hitchhiker) And you, are you a rapist?!
Hitchhiker: Yeah, yknow the license plate game?
Phoebe: I love the license plate game!
Phoebe: No-No! You need your sleep. Night-night! Shh! (She closes the partition.)
Ross: Listen, I know you wanted to talk to me, but I have an idea that may make you want to stay married. (Rachel shakes her head.) We register, and you get to keep all the presents!
Rachel: (thinks about it for a second) No! Ross, come on! No! Listen, look I thought a lot about how to tell you this and the bottom line, Ross, is we can not stay married.
Rachel: Oh Ross, come on! This is not, this is not a marriage!! This is the worlds worst hangover! Ross, listen, if you do not get this annulment, I will!
[Scene: Phoebes cab, its the same arrangement as before.]
Hitchhiker: Wait! Wait! There is the train station!
Phoebe: And I have your name and the fact that youre a drifter, so the balls pretty much in your court.
Joey: That is incredible! You are the master!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are there and Rachel is arranging a bouquet of flowers, pricks her finger on a thorn, throws the bouquet over her head, and those you who are quicker than some already know that Monica is the one who catches it.]
Rachel: Huh, thats funny. You look like youre gonna be the
Chandler: All right, should we just, should we just get married? Yknow? I mean should we just do it? All the signs are telling us to do it.
Monica: Im sick of the signs! Its too fast, Im happy the way things are!
Monica: All right then, then nothing changes! Everything is great! Everything stays the same! And you go unpack because its been three days and its driving me insane!
Monica: Then youd be going back and forth all the time, I mean it doesnt make any sense.
(And the crowd goes wild! Well, at least the live studio audience.)
Chandler: The door hasnt been locked in five years, but okay! (Runs out.) Ready?!
Chandler: Okay, a little problem. The key broke in the lock and I cant get in!
Chandler: Are you hugging the door right now.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are on the couch as Ross enters.]
Rachel: Hey, so did everything go all right with the annulment?
Ross: I didnt get the annulment.
[Scene: The hallway, Joey is coming up the stairs and sees Chandler trying to open the lock.]
Chandler: The keys stuck in the lock.
Joey: I can fix it. Hold on. (He goes and gets a screwdriver from his apartment) Look out. Look out. (Pries at the door a little bit.)
Chandler: (trying the handle) It still doesnt work.
(Joey goes back into the apartment, runs back into the hallway, throws his shoulder against the door, and knocks it down off its hinges.)
Chandler: Nice job Joe! Youre quite the craftsmen.
(Joey pats him on the stomach and heads to bed.)
Chandler: Oh, uh, I... don't... care. (Joey's date shows up) Ok, now, remember, no trading. You get the pretty one, I get the mess.
Chandler: All right Rock, Paper, Scissors who has to tell the whore to leave! (Joey smirks.) What?
JOEY: [in the voice] Hard to say.
Joey: Thank you. (stands up and kisses her lips.) Waiter! �lright, this is gonna be fast, so try to keep up: Risotto with the shaped truffles and the roasted rip steak with the golden Chanterelles and a Bordelaise sauce and that any that stuff I just said means snails. (Hope, *I* kept up.)
Chandler: Are you sure? Did you see the stain?
Monica: Hey. Oh good-good youre here! All right, I figured it out. Im gonna take two tables of eight, Im gonna add your parents, and Im gonna turn them into three tables of six. Okay? And I called the caterer; I added two extra meals, we are good to go!
Rachel: Oh, with the mother, just... just constantly tell her how amazing her son is. Take it from me, moms love me. Ross's mom one time actually said I'm like the daughter that she never had.
Phoebe: (to the nurse) Excuse me? Could you help me with something? The patient Im looking for has a broken leg and is in a wheelchair. And umm, hes like early to mid-thirties, very attractive.
David: Well, just for a couple of days, uhm... I'm here to explain to the people who gave us our grant, why it's a positive thing that we spent all their money and uhm... accomplished uhm... nothing.
Burt: Theyre gonna fire you! You cant date a student! Its against the rules.
Chandler: Shes okay with Rachel and the baby?
Rachel: Oh you missed it. She was laughing. Oh it was amazing. It was amazing. It was the most beautiful, beautiful sound that...
Rachel: All right, you're the boss. I guess I gotta do what you tell me.
Gary: Take a seat. You okay? You feeling all right? (Closes the door and takes off his coat.)
Ross: (to the panel) Look, Im sorry, but you guys are wrong. I just dont want to be divorced three times.
Chandler: Thats the way I did it til I was 19.
Chandler: Okay, you give the worst massages in the world.
(Theres a knock on the door.)
(They walk onto the dance floor and Chandler slips and almost falls.)
Joey: Why-why would she go in the bedroom?
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, Ross and Mona are sitting on the couch.]
Phoebe: Well, it's a problem for me, which means it's a problem for you 'cause I'm a cop. (Shows the badge.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is in the kitchen chopping vegetables. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting in the living room.]
Ross: Your joke? Well, I think the Hef would disagree, which is why he sent me a check for one hundred ah-dollars.
Ross: Hey! So uh, was he excited about the tickets?
Joey: Does a good teacher say, "Put down the beer pinhead!?"
[Scene: Shop, Phoebe and Rachel are talking in front of the dressing room]
Monica: (Scoots towards the side of the bed.) Could you not look?
David: Bye Phoebe. (He gets in and the cab drives off. Joey walks up and witnesses that event.)
CHANDLER: If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm gonna need a thing, you know, a hook, like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be Crazy Man with a Snake, y=know. Crazy Snake Man. And I'll get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk past my place, they will run. "Run away from Crazy Snake Man," they'll shout!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey and Chandler are still deciding what to do about the hooker.]
[The dog barks, runs out of Phoebe's room and jumps onto the couch]
Joey: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh . That-that-thats really just to show where the baby would go. Yknow why dont I hold on to him so that theres no confusion? (Takes him back, sets him on the chair, and apologizes to him.)
Ross: Uh Dad, Emmas in the nursery. Ill take you now. If you want, but (To Rachel) I really want to talk to you.
Rachel: Barry, I'm sorry... I am so sorry... I know you probably think that this is all about what I said the other day about you making love with your socks on, but it isn't... it isn't, it's about me, and I ju- (She stops talking and dials the phone.) Hi, machine cut me off again... anyway...look, look, I know that some girl is going to be incredibly lucky to become Mrs. Barry Finkel, but it isn't me, it's not me. And not that I have any idea who me is right now, but you just have to give me a chance too... (The maching cuts her off again and she redials.)
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, Ross is opening the door to Mona. Rachel is there as well.]
Rachel: Go-go-go-go, come on! (Ross goes over to the counte) (to Chandler) So uh, what did you find out?
Ross: No! I talked to Joey on the set, he hasnt heard from him. I-I-I talked to Chandlers parents again!
(In the rooms next door, Joey, Rachel, Ross and Charlie stop kissing and try to understand what the yelling was about. After a while they continue kissing. We're back in Chandler and Monica's room. Monica has some of her own hair stuffed in her mouth by Chandler.)
Monica: Why in the world would you take this tape and and why would you watch it?
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe are standing around the table drinking champagne as Ross enters.]
(Chandler opens the door and Monica sneaks up on it. They go inside.)
Monica: Hey, Rach. How was it with your friends? (She and Phoebe scream.) Okay! How would you like some Tiki Death Punch? (She pours the contents of the blender into some glasses.)
Mike: Keep in mind, he's never used this product before, you're gonna see how easy this is to do. (to Kevin) Go ahead. ('Kevin' starts using the product, it is a spout that you jab into a paper milk carton so that you don't have to rip it open.) This works with any milk carton.
Phoebe: (entering, quietly) Wow, you told your dad the truth.
Rachel: Oh thank you so much. (Picks up the guy's spirit level) Oh oh wait! You forgot your erm...Your game. (hands it to him)
Phoebe: It's not Santa's plan. No, it's... (Laughs the real "plan-laugh.")
(Theres a knock on the door and a handsome man enters.)
Zack: No it's just tiring having to figure out the age at which all my grandparents died. I'll see you tomorrow.
Joey: Well, I had the audition but Gunther said I had to stay here and be in charge so he could go get his hair dyed. So, I went anyway, and then he fired me.
Joey: You're a lucky man. You know what I miss the most about her? That cute nibbly noise when she eats. Like a happy little squirrel, or a weasel.
RICHARD: Ooh, then I guess the panty raid last night was totally uncalled for. Ok, I am going to take a shower and today I will be singing Jim Crochee's Leroy Brown.
Sandy: Well, I guess we know who's gonna be the Grumpus... (Ross goes to the kitchen)
Phoebe: Yeah, we all know! We talk about it all the time!
(Decided that they are less than human as well, Chandler picks up a golf club and Monica a frying pan, to join in on the fun of beating their good friend to within an inch of his life!)
Phoebe: Good thats a good one. Okay, Monica, anything? Yknow? Does Rachel move the phone pen?
The Chorus Line: Hallelujah!
Frank: Yeah, and they-and they say that our-that our only chance to have a baby is that if they take my sperm, her egg and put it together in a dish and then put it into another girl. So we were wondering if you could be the girl that we could put it into.
[Cut back to Monica and Chandlers room, they are making out again as theres another knock on the door.]
(Ross and Susan both angrily leave the hopsital room.)
Monica: Is this the video of the baby being born? Sweetie, this is Phoebes. Why were you even watching it?
Chandler: (comes out of the bathroom) Where's Monica?
Emeril: (on TV.) Now maybe you just like wanna but the whole duck in there! Who cares, y'know? Now I got the legs
Chandler: (angry) Put Joey on the phone.
Rachel: Well, lets see. Uh, they gave me cute doctor today and in the middle of the exam I put my pinky in his chin dimple.
Ross: (entering) Well hey! Whats going on? Ooh, cool boat(Sees why the boats there)Oh, no. (Averts his eyes by looking around the room) (To Rachel) Hey, did you, did you tell them?
Ross: no, no, no there's nothing wrong with you I mean you don't strike me as the type of person that wants to get married anyway.
Phoebe: Good. (After he leaves, she puts on Joey's gladiator helmet and checks herself out in the mirror) I should really start wearing hats!
Joey: Uh yeah, right here. (He punches his fist through the wall next to the door.)
Steve: Howard's the handy man!
MRS GREEN: If you didn't pour the coffee, no one would have anything to drink.
PHOEBE: Yeah, I talked to my grandma about the Old Yeller incident, and she told me that my mom used to not show us the ends of sad movies to shield us from the pain and sadness. You know, before she killed herself.
Richard: The picture of my wife! In your pack!
Monica: Because they dont know were dating. (Again, trying to quickly change subjects.) Do you think we should eat in the kitchen? (Goes to the sink and the stove to cook.)
Dr. Green: I think I may be able to book The Plaza on short notice.
(Shes interrupted by a loud crash and the sound of braking dishes. Followed quickly by another crash. Everyone turns and looks at the back room, as Gunther emerges.)
Rachel: Yeah, my mom got my dads season tickets in the divorce, so she just gave them to me.
Phoebe: Because my psychic is dead! She mustve read the cards wrong!
Monica: And y'know what, I just realised, in the last year Ive only gone out with two guys, Richard and Julio. You gotta help me out here, you gotta set me up, you gotta get me back in the game.
Phoebe: Yeah I bet! Look out! (Phoebe punches Theodore right in the stomach)
(Chandler and Ross enter with the new pictures.)
[Scene: The park, Rachel's running by herself and panting. After a little while she decides to run like Phoebe.]
Rachel: Thank you. (She sets it on the floor and is about to stomp on it with her shoe when the rest of the gang jumps up and yells simultaneously.) What? (They all yell again.) You dont want to see this do you?
Phoebe: Okay, I didnt understand that, but yknow, maybe thats cause you were speaking the secret language of love!
Chandler: That is so weird, because every time I go to the dentist, I look down the hygienists blouse.
Stripper: All right, whenever youre ready. (She goes into the bedroom.)
Rachel: Oh Ah! (Sees a big stuffed gorilla) Oh my gosh theres something every mother needs, a giant stuffed gorilla that takes up the entire apartment! What are people think (Reads the card) Oh you guys I love it.
Danny: Come on, you got the shopping bags and the Sack's catalog.
Chandler: Oh no-no-no. This is amazing. (He goes over and presses a button on a remote control that opens the entertainment center doors revealing the TV.)
Ross: Ok! (he takes the camera and walks backwards to take a shot) See? Scared of swings, I bet you feel pretty silly (a swinging boy knocks him down) Ow!
Rachel: You can keep those pants by the way.
Joey: (entering the hall) Oh man! Aren't you guys done yet?!
Ursula: Yeah, no were not thirty. Were 31. Okay. (She closes the door.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is recovering from the shock.]
CHAN: [through gritted teeth] Alright. [clears his throat] "It was summer, and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely gray couch. 'Oh, look,' cried Ned, and then the kingdom was his forever. The end."
Chandler: Oh... I don't know, I really don't think you're right for the part.
RACHEL: Do you guys ever get the feeling that um, Chandler and those guys just don't get that we don't make as much money as they do?
Monica: Okay, all right, I think youre great, I think youre sweet, and youre smart, and I love you. But you will always be the guy who peed on me.
Monica: That doesn't matter! We have waited so long for this. I don't care if it's two babies. I don't care if it's three babies! I don't care if the entire cast of "Eight is Enough" comes out of there! We are taking them home, because they are our children!
(Joey goes to get coffee and Rachel exits as the camera pans to Phoebe and Ross on the couch.)